I Can't Control Everything

Three Months Old

2012-01-23T19:53:00.000-06:00

My baby is three months old. She started sleeping through the night on Christmas Even and then she got her 2 month shots and that screwed her up for a week or so. Otherwise she's a dream. I'm so lucky I can't begin to describe it. She is a perfect breastfeeder. I broke down a month or so ago and got the Medela Pump n Go. I had to. The other pump wasn't good, lets just say that. It was worth the expense, Medela really is the best.

I'll post some pictures for you soon. Thank you all for your support and interest in my life - we hope to have babies again someday but we are still infertile and know it. I haven't accepted that Claire is our only child forever but I keep that possiblity in the back of my mind. Also, I have terrible infertile guilt. All the time. About everything. Having a baby, spending every second with her that I can and never ever being upset about how difficult it is to go without sleep. I'm happy every minute I'm with her but feel terrible that my sister had a miscarriage (looks like it was a blighted ovum) and my sister-in-law and her husband have been trying for 2 years and can't get pregnant. At the same time I'm here for them as a survivor and have been able to provide some support.

I only can hope we somehow get pregnant naturally someday, by some miracle. My bad eggs, his minimal sperm. I guess we'll see. If Claire was the lone surviving embryo, maybe we can pull off another miracle?

Its New Years Eve...Shhh

2011-12-31T23:48:00.001-06:00

We're going to bed. Claire fell asleep.
It's 10 pm. Best. New Years ever.

Happy New Years...

Oh wait. She's up.

It's nearly midnight now. She's puked, pooped, fed, and repeated several times. I think she wants to wait till the new year to go to sleep.

Still the best new years ever. I hope everyone who is still waiting gets their wish in 2012. I really do.

Over and out, still trying to get our overtired little girl to bed.

Quick Christmas Post

2011-12-25T06:12:00.000-06:00

I'm posting from my phone, had to get this down "on paper". Claire has slept 7 straight hours without eating or anything. How have I used this time? Pumping (oh the engorgement), washing and sterilizing and waiting for her to wake up. I've been up the last 2 hours doing that. She's really stirring now, just had to post this milestone.

2 month appt stats:

12 lbs 7oz (75th percentile)
40.4 cm head circumfrence (75th percentile)
24 inches long (90th percentile)

Completely healthy little girl. She coos a lot and smiles all the time. She eats 3-4 oz of pumped milk at daycare and nurses from me when at home. I love Breastfeeding and I'm so lucky its easy for us.

Back to bed now. It's 615 and I've been up 3 hours, pumped twice and fed a sleepy little girl. Yawn...best Christmas morning ever.

Claire's Birth Story

2011-11-18T11:34:00.000-06:00

Since Claire will be a month old this Saturday, I should really get this birth story out before I forget it. Luckily for me she's napping in her swing (first time ever!) and its bought me a ton of time today. However, I had better make this quick:

We went in for the biophysical profile ultrasound on Tuesday, October 18th to measure her fluid levels and see how she was doing. The tech immediately said, "Well, the baby's breech." to which I responded, "Shut up!!!" Thus the C-section was scheduled for the next day at 1:30 pm. I went to the lab right away to do a hemoglobin check (yay blood draw) and give a pee sample.

I slept pretty well that night and we had taken the opportunity to prepare our things and ourselves for the next day which we knew would change our lives forever.

Wednesday morning I was up around 8 a.m. and took my time getting ready. We then took pictures in the nursery to commerate the end of the pregnancy and the importance of the big day.

Upon arriving at the hospital at 11:30 a.m. I realized I had to pee really badly (hmm, 41+ weeks pregnant, ya think I had to pee a lot?) so DH checked me in. After filling out the paperwork I was given the option to either walk or take a wheelchair up to the room. With huge feet/cankles, a sore back, massive belly and overall just being exhausted, I took the chair.

We got to the room and were impressed with the big bathroom and the nice TV. When we'd taken the tour during the summer, the TVs in the rooms were really old, so the flat-screen was exciting. Apparently it didn't take much to make us happy at that point. I got undressed and put on the hospital gown in the bathroom, gave my pee sample. My nurse, Carol, was really nice and answered all of my questions because as usual, I needed to know everything that was going on. I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink since Midnight so I was parched! DH didn't eat breakfast or anything so I made a stink about him grabbing a snack before the surgery since we both knew he wouldn't have a chance to eat for some time afterwards. Carol went and got him a diet coke, some oreos and graham crackers. He took the opportunity to eat it slowly in front of me. Torture!

I got into the bed and then I got my blood drawn after having my I.V. put in. Yes I was a little bit of a baby about the I.V. and asked for Lidocaine with it. I made it through IVF and multiple daily shots for months but wasn't jumping in with the I.V. DH wasn't surprised and held my other hand while it was put in. It really wasn't that bad but I think it was because of the Lidocaine.

Then the anesthesiologist came in and went over the spinal epidural procedure, asked questions and had me sign some papers. My doctor came in and was wearing his alligator cowboy boots under his scrubs. Crazy guy, love him. He was pumped for the procedure and definitely kept me relaxed. We were ahead of schedule but then, around 1:00 p.m. we were told that the pediatrician that was supposed to be in the O.R. during my C-Section, had to take a kid to X-ray so we were then suddenly behind schedule. But things got back on track and around 1:30 I was being walked into the operating room. DH got to wear scrubs:

I got into the O.R. while DH waited in the waiting room with my parents. My mom had shown up during my prep in the room to say hi and good luck. As I walked through the doors to the operating room, there were so many people and I couldn't help but say, "Is this all for me?" The nurses were very kind and my nurse, Carol, was there to help me through the spinal. I sat on the table and bent forward as much as I could. When the anesthetic went in I could feel it and I just said, "Ow ow ow ow..." till it was done. When he put in the actual spinal I kept saying ow even though it didn't hurt, I could feel it and a little pressure. It got me through and overall it wasn't terrible. The feeling of my legs getting warm and numb was pretty cool too. I was laid back on the bed and then they put in the catheter. I was more worried about the catheter than the spinal. I must be crazy, right?

Once the room was all set up they had DH come in. Things went really quickly from there. I remember the docs talking about the person who'd set a bunch of exotic animals free and they'd had to be killed. I asked them to stop talking about that (I'm an animal lover and besides, it was quite the buzzkill at the time). Then I was asked if I wanted to hear any specific music. Had I known that was an option we would have brought in a playlist on our mp3 player. So we listened to whatever was playing on the radio.

Next thing I know they're telling me that Dr. B had made the incision. I asked them not to tell me anymore details, just when she was out and if she was okay. I said to Dr. B how amazing it was to be at this point after all we'd been through. He agreed that we were due our happy ending.

Dh held my hand and I could see the reflection of the procedure in the lights above so I asked to have the blue sheet pulled back a little to block the view. I was pretty grossed out by it all. DH, however, decided to watch the entire operation! I was told I'd feel a lot of pressure and boy did I! It was hard to breathe between the pulling/pushing and the spinal.

Finally I heard them say she was out and yes, she was a girl! I began completely bawling and waited to hear her cry. But she never really did. Then I started freaking out and sobbing to DH, "Why isn't she crying!?!? What is wrong?!!" He said she was fine, her eyes were open and she was waving her arms all around. He told me to look to my right and I did. They had her on the warmer and were checking her out. I could only see her little hands and her head but it was all I needed . Then I heard a little cry. She was just a quiet baby, that was all. I later asked for her APGAR scores: 8 and then 9. Excellent, right?

They brought her over to me and I couldn't believe this was MY baby. My little girl that had been inside me, moving and punching me. Poor thing was breech too so her head was a bit lopsided but that's all straightened out now.

Then they took her to the nursery to be cleaned up more and have tests done. DH went with her and then I just laid there on the table getting stiched up. The anesthesiologist gave me something to "relax" so I just stared at the ceiling grinning like a big idiot. I was a mom.

And the song playing when Claire was born?

"The Lazy Song" by Bruno Mars. Gotta love it.

Nothing was scary or complicated. I consider myself extremely blessed overall.

Day 23

2011-11-11T13:33:00.000-06:00

First, some quick pics from Claire's arrival:

41w2d - We're Going To the Hospital!

Last moments before the C-Section.

Here she comes!!! (I was quite emotional at this point)

She's here!!!

Here we are on day 2 - I'm wearing my "gownie" and
a little makeup, I usually looked terrible!

We're in our third week now. Claire did great at her 3-week appointment. Up to 9 lbs 8 oz and measuring 21 3/4 inches long. She'd lost 10% of her weight in the hospital so we had to supplement with formula for 24 hours but in a re-weigh the day after we were discharged, she'd gained enough to quit the formula. I've been breastfeeding her since day one and I love it! I have to start pumping a lot now so there's a reserve for when I go back to work. We need to get her used to the bottle. It'll also allow DH to take some nighttime feeding shifts so I can sleep. I average maybe 5 hours of sleep every 24 hours, if I'm lucky.

I love every second of my diaper-filled, spit-up on, unkempt, exhausted, hungry life.

I need to write a post on how I feel guilty every time I am tired or my nipples hurt, or when Claire goes through 5 diapers in an hour or if I don't feel thrilled every second of every day since it took everything we had to get her.

We are so lucky and I hate that I have to go back to work soon! I love being a mommy.

Day 2

2011-10-20T21:06:00.000-05:00

Still trying to upload pics. Claire is doing amazingly well. All she wants is my boob now, regardless of the fact that I only have colostrum at this point. I adore her to pieces!
In devastating news, my (step) sister lost her baby at 9 weeks today.

I'll hug my baby a little tighter tonite, knowing how truly blessed I am.

I'm A Mommy!

2011-10-20T06:11:00.000-05:00

Claire Elise O. was born at 1:53 pm on 10/19/2011. 8 lbs 5 oz and 20 inches long. Lots of brown hair and amazingly breastfeeds like a champ. C-section went fine, birth story and pics to come. Just wanted to post a quick update.

41 weeks - Eviction Notice

2011-10-18T17:27:00.000-05:00

I went for my biophysical profile today and after being told for 5 weeks that she was head down, I found out she is most definitely BREECH!

Also her fluid level is getting low, so my scheduled c-section is tomorrow at 1:30 pm. No wonder I haven't gone into labor!

How do you sleep the night before your life changes forever?

40 weeks 5 days

2011-10-14T14:05:00.000-05:00

Still no baby, but I had a non-stress test this morning. I'd been having dizzy spells and my BP at the pharmacy last night was 144/69 so I got worried. I called, they had me come in, and I got to 'relax' in a recliner while strapped in with monitors. Our kiddo aced it!! My BP was back down to 118/? but normal. So unless I spontaneously go into labor in the next three days, I get an ultrasound next Tuesday. DH predicts she's 10 pounds already. I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Can I be blamed for wanting her to come out? I just want to hold my baby. She is so squirmy in my belly, I wonder if she will be like that once she's born?

Overdue

2011-10-12T22:03:00.000-05:00

No dilation at Mondays appointment. I was told she was engaged though. As I type this she's rolling around like crazy! Feels like she's trying to claw her way out too.

I have a biophysical profile with my 41-week appointment next Tuesday which is an ultrasound, so at least I'll get to see my baby for the first time since 20 weeks.

Being overdue is torture, but I'm thankful I get to have a full-term baby. I know there are many who haven't.

Also I'm positive she's dropped. Her butt used to be right under my ribs, now its just above or at my belly button. Now she can come out! Argh.

40 Weeks

2011-10-10T10:30:00.000-05:00

Based on my retrieval date, I am 40 weeks pregnant today. The baby has always measured ahead on ultrasounds, but the tape measure puts her right on track every time. Now I'm freaking out bc I'm afraid her placenta will stop working. My 40 week appt ia this afternoon so we will discuss our options. She hasn't dropped, my cervix is hard, closed and posterior. I guess this means c-section? I'm waffling as to whether I want to go into labor naturally I'd get her out here while I know she's okay. I can't control everything, but I sure can try! Question: when should I get a non-stress test? HMOs suck.

Pregnancy Announcements Still Hurt

2011-09-26T12:32:00.002-05:00

My step-sister, the bridezilla, remember her? She's making the calls to announce she's approximately 5 weeks pregnant. They weren't even really trying. She got off birth control in April. I'm having a hard time being super-excited for her. What is wrong with me? My miracle baby is squirming inside me right now. I'm going to be a mom in the next two weeks. But I'm jealous of my step-sister getting knocked up without trying? Then she dares announce it this early? That makes me even more upset. Infertility has really messed with my psyche. ALSO BLOGGER SUCKS. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO POST FROM MY PHONE AND IT WON'T WORK. SO IF YOU'RE NOT HEARING FROM ME, BLAME BLOGGER'S MOBILE SUCKINESS.

37 weeks

2011-09-21T16:07:00.000-05:00

Still pregnant. Everything I said is do anything for is happening, swollen ankles, heartburn, insomnia...when people ask how I'm feeling I can't complain. Truly. Got checked yesterday, not dialated, locked up tight. I'm so ready to meet our daughter! I was weaned off the heparin at 31 weeks so its been awesome to feel like a "normal" pregnant woman. Well, off to pee. Again.

Second Trimester in Pictures; I'm Back After A Break

2011-07-19T13:50:00.001-05:00

1. Still pregnant.
2. I'm now in the third trimester
3. Glucose test tomorrow
4. I needed to take a break from blogging for a while.

Belly Pics:

20w5d

21w5d

22w5d

23w5d

24w5d

25w6d

26w6d

27w6d

Picture of Father's Day/V-Day Cake:

Col.dsto.ne Cream.ery Cookies 'n Cream cake. Our first and it was delicious!

The nursery is not done yet, we need to wash the bedding, put the trim back up on the window, buy a new window shade and hang up that and the valance, put up the decals and then get the light dimmer installed. Other than the floor trim and dimmer, the rest will get done in the next week!

The armoire/wardrobe to the right of the door;
the room does not have a built-in closet.

We got a new La-Z-boy recliner for the nursery
instead of a glider. I have the pink knitted blanket
over the armrest that my grandmother made for me.
We should get a new lamp; the desk lamp works
for now. We also will buy a clock/cd player/radio.

The lighting is terrible, sorry. Changing table to the left, dresser to the right.
A friend gave me a gift last Friday of three books for the baby, her first!
I have them displayed on the dresser. The wall behind the dresser, chair and
changing table is gray. The rest of the walls are pink.

Here is the crib; nothing like some we saw, but
it is brand new with the nursery furniture set and
is convertable. Notice the pink? A color I swore
we'd never use. Sigh. I insisted on the pink/gray
walls too!

Crib picture to show the bumper; its very cute.
Also there will be a decal saying of "Dream until
Your Dreams Come True" above the crib on
the wall. Fitting, no?

Here is her wardrobe with some of her clothing
collection that I keep on adding to with the
help of my mother. The size dividers have been
ordered and should arrive tomorrow.

All in all, I think that so far I've had a pretty normal pregnancy aside from the twice-daily injections and vitamin supplements. I had to move the heparin injections down to my thighs which has been quite painful and is resulting in a lot of bruising.

I scheduled my maternity photos for August 25th after work.

Finally, could I be more blessed to be having three baby showers? My mom and step-sisters are throwing one at Mom's house on August 20th for my side of the family and some friends. DH's sister, SIL, soon-to-be SIL, and his mom are throwing one for his sides of the family and some friends on July 30th at my MIL's house and my co-workers are having one for me on September 14th at work over the lunch hour. Its like having three Christmases and I'm sure I'll cry at each and every one.

The baby was a violent kicker, mover and shaker up until the past week when its more regular with sleep time and then play time. Sometimes when she's been quite for too long I jiggle my belly a little or rub it and she'll wake up and give me a "pity" tap or kick. I just like to know everything's alright.

We're in the middle of a massive heat wave here in Iowa so I've been staying indoors, hydrated and relaxed. My feet hurt constantly, mostly the ankles and outside ridges so DH has been generously rubbing them. He also sent me 50 roses yesterday in a large bouquet. They were on sale for $6/dozen so I bugged him for a week to send me a dozen roses. I like how he went "above and beyond". I spent my lunch hour making them into arrangements with the vases I had in my office. You like?

I've not had any further ultrasounds but I'll be trying to talk them into at least one more before the baby's due/born in October.

I've gained maybe 9 pounds. I'm sure I'll put on a lot more in the next 2 1/2 months. At least 20 lbs which is nuts. I don't eat a ton because I get full really fast but I think I'm eating pretty healthy, considering I'm still feeling picky and icky about certain foods that were ruined for me thanks to morning sickness.

We got a dishwasher which I love and have been needing for years. It makes ours a happier home. It also ate up a lot of our money. Things are very tight, but we'll be okay.

All in all, I'm happy every time this little girl moves even in the slightest and while I can't wait to meet her, I'm enjoying every ounce of this pregnancy. I actually fell asleep counting her kicks last night.

Thank you all for being patient and supportive while I have been absent. I will continue to keep you posted. No pun intended. :)

20 + 21 Week Updates

2011-06-04T10:25:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to lament over how long its been since I posted. I will explain that work has stopped allowing us to go on the 'net for anything remotely personal outside of lunch hours or before/after work. I've typically blogged during work hours so that sucked. Also I was in trial during my 20th week so that was shot and this week was crazy at work.

I'm sorry.

So here goes:

Week 20, cliff's notes:
Things I remember were wearing my business suits (not maternity) and having to wear them unzipped/buttoned and tucked in strangely while my long tops covered up the mess. It also wasn't comfortable while sitting down. Lots of kicking all week and I saw my stomach move when kicked/punched. One night I went to sleep at 6:30 pm and woke up at 6 the next morning. That was during the week. Food was consistently a problem for me because I find most food gross and I'm forcing myself to eat as healthy as possible.

We had our 20-week anatomy scan. We found out what we are having. Here's how it all went down (I guess it's not cliff's notes now):

I took a green piece of paper and folded it into a little card and it had a pink & blue question mark on the front. Inside it asked the u/s tech to write down the gender of the baby. We brought it to the scan and I was so nervous and excited...we had our favorite u/s tech, Ann, who's been doing 99% of my ultrasounds since January 2009. Everything looked fantastic. Normal. Boring. Perfect. That sucker was moving so much too. Yawned at one point. Everyone went, "Awwww". Its head was on my right side with feet down on my left near my cervix. It explained the kicking (and punching) locations. Still measuring ahead, now by five days. So crazy. We asked Ann to get a picture of the "money shot" and write down the gender only if it was pretty obvious what the baby was. She said that ultrasounds can be wrong but after 20 years she was quite sure what we were having. She checked twice and took the picture while we just looked away from the screen, smiling at each other.

Anyone still wondering what it is? We left the appointment 100% sure it was a boy for so many reasons. But the envelope was still in our hands, sealed.

DH and I drove to the spot where he proposed, also near our first kiss location (stupid city expansion turned a cul-de-sac into a main road) and we went to a pavillion and sat down on a picnic bench. After much anticipation, excitement and smiles, we took out the make-shift mystery card and each grabbed a side of the card. Counted to three and opened it.....

GIRL!!!!!!

I was shocked! I couldn't believe it!!! We went to our favorite mexican restaurant and I sat there, dumbfounded for the entire meal. Pretty much repeating, "I can't believe it. A girl. Wow."

So that's what we're cooking!

We had our gender reveal bbq on Sunday 5/29. We ordered a cake that was marble but with white and strawberry instead of the typical white and chocolate. The had a question mark and Baby O________ underneath with blue and pink balloons decorated on it.

After eating we had our moms cut a piece while I held the plate so they could scoot it on to it so everyone could see the color of the cake's inside. They all screamed because they too thought it was a boy. Everyone was very happy for us though and very excited for a girl.

Week 20 Belly Pic:

Won't post because blogger is a piece of shit. I will keep trying.

And here's this week's update because tomorrow I'll be 22 weeks, so just in the nick of time:

How Far Along? 21 weeks 6 days

Maternity Clothes? As much as possible. I bought a maternity bathing suit this week. Niiiice. No skirt though, I just couldn't do it. I got the shorts and a top and I love it! The top expands a lot so it should last all summer.

Weight Gain? I was up 2+ pounds at my 20 week appointment and its holding steady. I might even be up 3 lbs total now.

Stretch Marks? Not yet. I make DH check too because I can't see under my belly anymore.

Belly Button In or Out? Very quickly flattening. Prediction still stands that it'll be an outie by the start of the 3rd Trimester.

Sleep? I've noticed my hips have begun to hurt at night. That's new in the last week or so. DH and I switched sides of the bed so I could be closer to the bathroom so that's helped. Otherwise sleep has been the same. I will add that I vivid dreams and even more embarassing, I have some pretty erotic dreams. Apparently I want to have sex with B.ruce Wil.lis? That was out of left field.

Best Moment of the Week? Every moment was the best, seriously. I just love this little girl with all my heart and I can't wait to meet her. We did buy the nursery set though, complete with crib, dresser and changing table. I wish I could talk to non-pregnant Christa and give her a hug, tell her that one day she would be feeling her little girl kick her and buying that longed-for nursery set.

Movement? Plenty, and this week, kicking on my right side began. It could be punching, I don't know. Also there isn't really a pattern yet as to when she begins to move during the day but when she does I love it. Even at 4 in the morning. I smile and put my hand on my belly to feel her.

Food Cravings? Banana splits, watermelon, sweet corn on the cob, icees. I ate whopper jrs with cheese for about a week or so. I think I'm done now.

Gender? Girl. I'm still in awe. DH is eagerly anticpating the arrival of his "baby girl" as he keeps calling her. Oh and he wants a super pink nursery. I've talked him out of it and we are now looking at a purple theme.

What I Miss? Well when I was buying beer for our vacation this weekend, I was looking at all the fruity mixer options at the liquor store and thinking how good they'd be. But only for a split-second. Then I put my hand on my belly and smiled because of all the wonderful reasons I hardly drank any alcohol over the past 3+ years. Her. I stopped drinking for her. All those things I can't/won't do anymore are reminders of how I got to this wonderful place.

Symptoms: Heartburn, excessive peeing, picky eating, sensitive to smells (ugh, fish yesterday at the grocery store. Why have salmon samples!?!)

What I'm looking forward to? Are you kidding!?! That nursery is getting set up soon, my step-sister (bridezilla, can you believe it?) told me yesterday that she and the other sisters are throwing me a baby shower. What? For me? Okay I'm choking up now.

Weekly Wisdom: Dressers for nurseries/kids come with safety features. If you try to buy just a dresser separately, they typically have removable drawers. Those are not safe for babies and little kids. I'm glad I did so much research instead of jumping the gun and buying everything separate without reading into it a little more. We saved a lot by buying the entire nursery set together.

Milestones: I'm in the middle of my fifth month, and we're only 2 weeks away from V-Day!!!! It will also double as Father's Day too. We're getting another cake and celebrating. I might even have some s-e-x then.

Emotions: I feel overly emotional and have snappy mood swings. DH gets the brunt of it. Other than feeling like everyone else around me is a bunch of idiots/morons (thanks hormones), I'm elated most of the time just knowing I'm having a little girl in a few months.

Week 21 belly pic:

Also won't post because blogger is a piece of shit. I'm glad I at least was able to draft this. If it doesn't post I'm gonna freak.

19w3d

2011-05-18T15:05:00.000-05:00

Life is rolling along. Slowly in my opinion but I've always felt that way when I'm looking forward to something. This weekend we'll be updating our landscaping and possibly fishing or golfing (I'll just ride along and perhaps chip and putt; I need to get outside), next weekend is Memorial Day weekend and our "gend.er party", so I have a lot to look forward to. Did I mention that my 20-week anatomy scan is next Monday? It's pretty much Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one on an excitement scale. Except this'll be the best xmas/bday I've ever had! I haven't been this excited since the lead-up to our wedding day!

I'll fill you in on the requisite pregnancy stats (if you are up for reading them) as I still need to document what's going on so one day I can fill in my pregnancy book. I figure I'll do that when I start nesting or something.

How Far Along? 19 weeks 3 days

Maternity Clothes? Pants and 100% maternity underwear. Also I'm still wearing that nursing bra. DH calls it my "easy access" bra. He thought it was some kind of sexy lingere till I explained how it works.

Weight Gain? I think I'm officially up 1.5 lbs but we'll see if it sticks around till Monday's appointment.

Stretch Marks? Not that I can see yet.

Belly Button In or Out? It keeps getting more shallow.

Sleep? In about 1 1/2 hour increments between pees. And I keep rolling onto my back in my sleep. That makes me have to pee more so I wish it would stop. I even have a pillow against my back but it doesn't seem to matter. ***I had a dream that the baby somehow transferred to DH and he went into labor and I was hysterical that I didn't feel a connection to the baby since he was going to give birth to it and I was really upset. I told DH about the dream and all he could say was: "Well that's kind of how I feel but without the crying and screaming." Gotta love a perspective wake-up call, right? He said he'll feel more connected when he can feel the baby kick or see it move, etc. I'm sure the ultrasound on Monday will help though.

Best Moment of the Week? Feeling baby's kicks from the outside. I'm trying to get DH to feel it but the baby quits when I put his hand where the action was happening. I'm sure he'll feel it soon enough.

Movement? Tons. Right now in fact. Sometimes it really tickles too so then I giggle. This morning on the way to work the baby got really active so I started talking to it, saying good morning, etc. I wonder if DH thinks I'm loony.

Food Cravings? Yeah but they change and most meals are forced down. I ate sweet corn for dinner two nights in a row last week. I'm so tired of being picky but if thats what it takes to have a baby then so be it, bring it on.

Gender? I'm getting girl vibes still, but really I don't care either way. I just can't wait to find out!

What I Miss? Eating normally.

Symptoms: Same as every week except I am enjoying the continued lack of vomiting. Gagging, however, likes to sneak up on me when I'm over hungry or when trying not to choke on (TMI) sinus drainage.

What I'm looking forward to? Finding out our baby's gender next Monday and starting to work on the nursery.

Weekly Wisdom: People will constantly ask you, "How are you feeling?" when you're pregnant. Its as if they don't have any other questions...I've never really asked pregnant women that question other than maybe once. I just say "good" or "great" depending on the moment. If I say anything like, "happy" or "grateful" it just opens a line of questioning that I don't have the time or patience for, plus I am keeping some things private still.

Milestones: I'm officially weaned off the Prednisone; I'm not sure what that means in terms of changes in symptoms but if Dr. S feels its best to not be on it at this point then I trust him fully.

Emotions: I feel like doing more things for DH and for the past 4 1/2 months he's been taking care of me almost exclusively so its a change. Other than my mood swings, I am still, on a daily basis, grateful for every additional day I get to be a mother.

Belly Pics for 19w2d:

WFT Blogger?

2011-05-13T12:08:00.002-05:00

I published a post yesterday and now its gone. I can't get updated stuff on anyone else's blog. What's happening!?!?!?!

18w4d

2011-05-12T14:23:00.000-05:00

Here's how my last 20 minutes have gone: poke, poke, poke......KICK!.....poke............KICK KICK!..........poke, and so on.

I'm not a big soccer fan so I'm hoping we have a punter on the way. :) I keep smiling when he/she does it and I even blurt things out like, "Okay I do know you're there!" and "Why hello! Can I help you?" I eat constantly so he/she isn't hungry. I'm figuring complete boredom; what else is he/she going to do in there? Play jump rope with the umbilical cord?

So as you can see, we have plenty of movement/kicking and what I call poking. Pokes are light and the kicks make me jump and catch my breath because they startle me so much. DH finds it hilarious and boring all at the same time because he can't feel/see them yet. Oh he will.

Here are my updates for the week with some pictures to boot:

How Far Along? 18 weeks, 4 days

Maternity Clothes? Pants and some tops yet. I'm excited for this nice weather because I have some maternity capris I want to wear in public since I feel well enough to be somewhat social these days. I also got a new maternity shirt. You like?

Weight Gain? I was 196-ish the day of my transfer. Once pregnant I quickly dropped to 180 (morning sickness: the best diet ever....heavy sarcasm there). The past 4 months I've even dropped into the 170s. I cannot seem to get over the 180/181 lbs mark. I have a feeling I'm going to get scolded at my 20-week appt for not gaining any weight.

Stretch Marks? I think I'm starting to get some on my sides, or the old ones are getting darker? Stomach is fine yet.

Belly Button In or Out? Still in but quickly changing, I predict an outie by the end of the 2nd trimester.

Sleep? I caught some kind of cold (don't even get me started) so due to a sore throat Sunday night I didn't sleep and felt terrible so I took Monday off as a sick day. But I feel much better now and am only stuffed up. Other than Sunday night's suckfest, I continue to sleep in 2-hour intervals. That is because I pee 2-4 times each night. At least I'm not peeing in the bed anymore (accident free since 9 weeks!)...

Best Moment of the Week? Mother's Day.

Movement? Frequent, especially if I sit leaning forward. I think Junior hates it when I do that. Or loves it because he/she gets super-active. I'll get some kicking action about 2-3 times per day and I look forward to it so much.

Food Cravings? I feel like I'm regressing back to the super-picky stages from the first trimester. But I am eating a lot of fresh fruit and some cheeses so that's got to be good. I was eating frozen french pizzas for about a week but those are now done for good. I bought some sweet corn yesterday so I'll be eating that this weekend for sure.

Gender? Starting to lean to the girl side for some reason. We find out in 12 days!

What I Miss? Eating like a normal person.

Symptoms: Heartburn, tired, nausea (still), mood swings, frequent urination

What I'm looking forward to? Swimming. I can't stop thinking about getting in a pool and relaxing.

Weekly Wisdom: Don't think that morning sickness is gone forever once you feel better. It can come back when you least expect it.

Milestones: I'm being weaned off Prednisone this week so that's pretty cool!

Emotions: Specifically I nearly cry sometimes when I feel the baby being active. Or when something sad is on TV or in the paper. Otherwise I'm just so happy to still be pregnant.

Here are some pictures:

18w3d

18w4d

Jack, Milo and Bella enjoying the nice weather last weekend:

My first purchase for the baby:

I can't believe I bought this! Also I got it on Ama.zon for less than three bucks so thats a steal...

17w3d

2011-05-04T09:19:00.001-05:00

I've realized that since I'm not writing in my pregnancy journal (a gift from pregnancy #2) that these weekly blog posts are my journal and I can always fill in the spaces in the book. This works out just lovely, doesn't it?

How Far Along? 17 weeks, 3 days

Maternity Clothes? As much as possible. I only have 3 pairs of maternity underwear and I simply must buy more because my normal ones are binding and make me have to pee more than I already do.

Weight Gain? I think I gained a pound! I'm trying so hard to eat more but my food preferences change daily. Except for Mexican food. Can't stop craving that. No more OJ at this point. I'm really into my milk; so much so that I drink it out of the jug because I can't wait for a cup. DH has no idea. We're married....he'll get over it.

Stretch Marks? Nothing significant yet. Tattoo is holding up nicely.

Sleep? DH is snoring more and more so that's not helping. I need new earplugs. I wake up every 2 hours to pee. No complaints here on that note.

Best Moment of the Week? Confirming that this kid is indeed trying to communicate with me. We have kicking! Well, mostly taps and the occasional hard knock but it's amazing!

Movement? Yep, and the whole "fluttering" thing needs better explanation. It feels like there is literally a butterfly in my uterus and it doesn't feel soft or anything, more like its crawling around trying to get out. Not as glamorous as I'd imagined it'd be but incredible nonetheless. The kicks , while rare, tickle and make me jump and giggle. I then have a massive smile on my face. People around me think I'm insane. Oh well.

Food Cravings? Mexican food (chicken chimichangas at local restaurants, Taco Supreme at T.aco Be.ll). Slushies. Grilled cheeseburgers. Homemade potato salad. Pickles (sparingly). Virgin Bloody Mary's (mostly for the pickle that comes in it). Steak on the grill. Corn on the cob. Watermelon. Ice cream. Hate all things fast-food. Other than Tac.o Bel.l or Taco J.ohns.

Gender? Still thinking boy. DH and I are each picking out nursery themes/bedding sets online and he told me he's got some "cute ideas" for a girl's nursery and is glad we're waiting to buy them till we find out because he doesn't want to get too attached to a theme and then get bummed out. What? From the guy who's always wanted a boy?

What I Miss? A sex life. I want nothing to do with that stuff so its kind of driving a wedge between DH and me, emotionally. But we're still going quite strong. Other than that, nothing.
Symptoms: A nice bloody nose at work this morning; I'm chalking it up to the Heparin and dry air. Still feel sick when around food or smells I hate. Same stuff as last week.

What I'm looking forward to? A bigger belly, feeling consistent kicks, finding out what's cookin' in there!

Weekly Wisdom: Your husband may become just as emotional as you are. DH has teared up many times when talking about the baby, seeing babies or little toddlers, watching "Comi.ng Home" on Lifetime, etc. Even that recent Pampers commercial made him choke up!

Milestones: Feeling baby movement! Also, I stopped doing the doppler check every 2 days about a week or so ago. I'm up to every 5 days. The movement/kicking has been so reassuring but I love that whoosh-whoosh sound so much.

Emotions: Oh so many.

This week's belly pic, taken yesterday at 17w2d:

When seeing pictures like this I think I look so "huge" and I still can't fathom how much bigger I'm going to get!

Also, I'm going to start being weaned off the daily 10mg of Prednisone now so by the end of next week I'll be done with that. My next problem is continuing to find room on my belly for the Heparin shots. They're becoming more and more painful and the bruising is getting worse, making less room. How do I do these with an even bigger belly? I think I need smaller needles.

16w4d Update + Blog Awards

2011-04-28T11:24:00.000-05:00

Has it really been 8 days since my last post? Crazy since I write posts in my head all the time, daily in fact, but I just don't have the time or access to actually write them. I wish I could dictate them.

Quick note: my step-sister's wedding was last weekend. Basically the train-wreck we all expected it would be. Best part was looking pregnant in my dress and getting to talk to family and friends about it. Worst part was that bridezilla forced us to be outside in 45 degree windy and wet weather for 2 hours to take tons of outdoor pictures as a bridal party. With no coats for our strapless knee-length dresses and heels. Bitch.

How Far Along? 16 weeks, 4 days. I'm officially 4 months down but quite a few to go.

Maternity Clothes? Maternity pants and a couple of maternity tops because they're so cute and springy. Oh and I love my maternity underwear. Must.buy.more. Got a nursing bra because there are no pregnancy bras. It's okay. The "around" is better than what I've got but I really should go get fitted for a proper bra or two.

Weight Gain? None. Dammit. Dropped 2 pounds so far this week. Trying to gain at least a pound in the next week and keep it on. I can put on weight like gangbusters when I'm not pregnant. This is nuts.

Stretch Marks? Nope. Not yet. Also following the small rose tattoo on my right lower front belly to see how that changes with the pregnancy. I'm expecting it to look hilarious by 9 months.

Sleep? Best night so far was last night. 8 hours and only 2-3 pee breaks, down from 5-6. Help please though: I now roll on my back in my sleep and if I have to pee I wake up in excruciating pain on my right side from my hip to my ribs and can't catch my breath. Once I pee it goes away after I lay back down and try to breathe slowly. I can't figure out what it is?

Best Moment of the Week? Not having to suck in my gut after a big luncheon at work yesterday. I actually quit worring about it because when I do, it doesn't make much of a visual difference and actually hurts my little "abs".

Movement? I swore I felt lots of "popcorn" on Monday night on and off for 30 minutes while laying on my side and watching TV. But I could be wrong. It was unlike anything I've ever felt before though.

Food Cravings? Still loving Mexican food. Also anything grilled. I've had about 4 steaks and 2 burgers in the last week. I really want beef. Hate fish. Hate fast food now. Yuck.

Gender? I feel its a boy, if there is such a thing as mother's intuition. Still planning on finding out next month. I suggested that DH and I find out together and then have our parents and siblings over for a party over Memorial Day Weekend to let them know the gender. DH is calling it a se.x part.y because he thinks its funny. That has to be his secret name for it though.

What I Miss? Not a damn thing. :)

Symptoms: Tired all the time so I go to bed by 9. It's glorious because I easily fall asleep. If you read my blog over the last year I was taking 2 benad.ryl each night just to sleep. Otherwise, heartburn, burps, constant peeing, minor mood swings now, more energy by far and a better appetite. I just can't seem to eat a lot of what I put on my plate. But the variety is enormous now compared to the first 14 weeks.

What I'm looking forward to? The anatomy ultrasound on 5/23/11 and starting the process of decorating the nursery and even registering for baby stuff! Also the kicking. I so want to feel the kicking.

Weekly Wisdom: Alluding to the best moment of the week - don't suck in your gut at this point of the pregnancy (or any for that matter). It doesn't feel good, so enjoy these months to not care!

Milestones: We went to my 16 week appointment on Tuesday and boy was it boring. Doppler check (nurse found the hb immediately, 150+ bpm), blood pressure check (normal), pee check (possible trace of protein but I passed with a recommendation to drink a little more water), and then the doc checked my uterus (ouch because my belly is so bruised from 2x/daily heparin shots!). He said it'll be over my belly button by my 20 week appointment. He also cleared me for golf, swimming and sex. He then reminded DH and I that if I don't feel comfortable doing any of it then I shouldn't. So no golf or sex for me. But I shall swim and love it if and when I have the opportunity!

Emotions: Daily happiness. What can I say? I'm thankful for every additional day I have to be a mother.

_________________________________________________________________________

Onto my next topic - I've been awarded!

Thanks goes to Laura from The Adventures of an Infertile Myrtle and Kaitake! I also received the Stylish Blogger Award but as I already have it from last year I won't re-pass it on. However I am completely honored for any and all awards so thanks again!

RULES:
Winners grab the image and put it in your blog. (check!)
Link back to the person who gave you it. (check!)
Tell 10 things about yourself (check! scroll down)
Award 15 recently discovered bloggers. (check! I came up with 10)
Contact the bloggers you have awarded to let them know they have won. (doing it now!)

Here are my 10 things:

1. I say I'm 5'10" but I'm always measured at 5'9"-ish. I was listed as 5'11" in high school basketball.
2. I do wear size 10 1/2 or 11 shoes in womens' sizes. Giant man-feet I tell ya.
3. I obsessively wash or sanitize my hands. That includes not touching the gas pump thingy because its gross.
4. I would rather stalk people on fac.ebook than actually post things about my life or myself.
5. I am very bossy and think people should do things my way. It's a personality flaw that I'm working on.
6. I've traveled almost 1/2 of the U.S. and quite a bit of Canada.
7. For the past 2 years I've been growing out my hair again but will likely get sick of it and chop it off to donate it to Locks of Lov.e like I did after our wedding.
8. I don't often pamper myself with salon-type things and I really wish I would or had the money to do so.
9. As a kid I didn't have tons of friends and preferred to read books all the time. I loved escaping.
10. I am a child of a twice-divorced mother and granddaughter to a thrice-divorced (and now deceased) grandmother. I'm ending the pattern of divorce. :)
Here are my awards:
Viva la Vida!
Eggs in a Basketcase
Baby Talk
Life and Love with the Bradleys
Adam and Julia
The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow (I Hope)
Park Slope Purgatory
Calmly Chaotic
hope4joy
I Want To Be A Daddy

And this week's belly pic:

15w3d And Growing (All Pregnancy Post)

2011-04-20T09:07:00.001-05:00

How Far Along? 15 weeks 3 days (holy crap I'm almost 4 months pregnant!)

Maternity Clothes? Tops are normal though I have some super cute maternity tops now thanks to my first Wa.lmart order. All pants must be maternity. I wore my "fat pants" jeans on Sunday to lunch with my step-sisters and I looked super-gangster due to them falling down and forming a flat ass on the backside of my legs. Just terrible. At least maternity pants have elastic. I can't wear a belt, it hurts and seems pointless. On Monday, DH's aunt brought by three huge tubs of maternity clothes for me to take and I got to pick out what I wanted. Some were super-outdated but others were quite workable. Once they're washed I can wear them and I'm so excited! Also my Wal.mart order is arriving today (the last one I ordered XLs and apparently my weight loss put me in the L category now) and that makes me even MORE excited!

Weight Gain? I think I've officially stopped the weight loss and put on one pound! Let's see if it sticks around for awhile.

Stretch Marks? I think I'm getting some on my boobs. Belly is same but getting harder, don't know how to explain it. I'm typically mushy in the "abs" area and it's no longer a bowl full of jelly.

Sleep? 2-3 hours at a time. I have to pee a lot. I try to sleep on my left side (better blood flow to the baby) but I'm a right-side sleeper by habit. Even worse, I suddenly like to sleep on my back and wake up with a stomach ache because I have to pee or something. I'm sure the back sleeping will need to stop soon.

Best Moment of the Week? Every moment is great, here are a couple neat ones: I can officially see the "back" of my belly button. First time in my life. Huh. I think I'll be getting an outie soon....Listening on the doppler and hearing the baby move away and come back; I don't even have to push down with the wand anymore, I just put it on my pelvic region (getting closer to the belly though) and there it is. A nice loud heartbeat in the 150s.
Movement? It feels like there is something possibly scratching at me in there. I don't know how else to explain it. Its rare but sometimes I think I feel something. I'm sure I'll know for sure when it gets stronger. Tipped uterus so it could take longer, I have no clue.

Food Cravings? Mostly Mexican food; last night I quickly pounded a Little Thickb.urger from H.ardees, which I normally hate. I really seem to want grilled food. Must.drink.orange.juice., every single morning I have a big cup of orange juice but it must also have ice and a straw. I drink everything I can with a straw. I have no idea why. Perhaps because I want everything ice cold and I don't like the ice hitting my face? Oranges are a favorite snack (Vitamin C imbalance? Sheesh). Ice cream and strawberries but that's fading.

Gender? No clue. BUT....I was so adamant that I didn't want to find out the sex at our 20 week ultrasound but now I think I want to. I have my own rationalizations that have nothing to do with other people's opinions about our decision. DH wants to know and I think it might be fun to have something done where the tech takes the picture of the "money shot" and puts it in an envelope for us with a little piece of paper that says "boy" or "girl" and seals it. Then we can take it to our favorite bakery and have a small cake made with the inside frosting be the gender-color (and we get the envelope back too) so that when we have our cake we find out. It can still then be an intimate and memorable experience for us. Though we'd have to wait a day for the cake. :) The appointment is on a Monday afternoon so we'd probably drop off the order the next morning and pick it up after work or something. I just don't know if I'd want to have a party and find out in front of a lot of people. This way once we know we can do something fun to announce to the family since our pregnancy announcement this time was pretty quiet.

What I Miss? I'm afraid to say I miss anything because non-pregnant Christa would slap me so hard for not being thankful for everything I'm experiencing, good and bad. I suppose I do miss golfing (I'm not risking it) and having a normal appetite.

Symptoms: Sore boobs, dry skin, zits, fast growing hair (everywhere; I'm actually growing a beard of peach fuzz which is beyond strange), queasiness if I don't keep eating, gas, burping, mood swings, repulsed and scared by all things of the sexual nature (I've been a nun for nearly 4 months people), emotional....

What I'm looking forward to? Everything. Right now my belly is growing, I've officially popped (though it's small) and I still can't wait for that nice round belly which seems to be coming in a little more each day.

Weekly Wisdom: DH's aunt said that after giving birth I'll physically look and feel 3 months pregnant for about 3 more months (better be sans puking) so I'll want to wear the maternity pants for awhile post-partum. That's all I've got for "wisdom" this week.

Milestones: Every single day of this pregnancy has been a major milestone. According to books and websites my kid probably has some of that dark brown hair from its dad's side if that's how the genetics panned out.

Emotions: Thankful, grateful, elated. All I care about is this baby, this pregnancy and I think I've earned the right to have blinders on right now. Also I feel like such an imposter, most days. I still have such a difficult time talking to people about the pregnancy as if it's a normal one. People ask if we were trying (who asks that?) or tell me stories of how they know someone who tried to make a boy or girl when TTC and asks if we did that, etc. I so badly want to shout from the rooftops that this is a precious IVF baby and I've fought for this pregnancy for years and of course we were trying...but I work and live in a religious community where IVF is not discussed unless its in a judgy way because of Octom.om or whatever beliefs the person has. When people say, oh you can use that for your next one, I want to say that this might be our only one because we don't have the money to do IVF again any time soon. But its none of their business and I take the comment and shove it down into that little box where all the unintentionally hurtful comments went during the last 3+ years. Then I remember that I'm pregnant, in my second trimester, and smile.

First official belly pictures taken yesterday at 15w2d:

Finally, here is a picture of our three cats who love having their "bunk bed" back in the bathroom after 4 months:

14w3d

2011-04-13T08:52:00.001-05:00

I wish I could better convey my continued shock and awe that I am still pregnant. Imagine raised eyebrows, a half smile and jaw dropped. Every.single.day. I wake up (well, during one of my several nighttime pee awakenings) and smile at how amazing it is to be in this place. A place I've longed for and dreamed about. A place snatched away from me too soon four other times. I have no complaints. I am simply thankful for all of this.

Updates (mostly pregnancy stuff so scroll down if you don't want to read about that):

*Mother sent me an email apologizing and hoping that our relationship wasn't over. She took this whole thing a bit far, in my opinion. I emailed her back saying I'm over the whole thing, our relationship is fine and I that I loved her. I haven't heard back yet but the ball is in her court. Gotta love my crazy mom.

*After receiving PETA's response last week, I emailed back requesting they make a donation to RESOLVE in honor of NIAW. I haven't heard back and doubt that I will. I'm sure they're figuring we should be happy they took down the NIAW references on their website. Whatever. I still agree with their work, just not that ridiculous contest.

*Morning sickness started to wane a bit after the 13 week point. I hadn't thrown up since 9 1/2 weeks, however this Monday proved that the baby is in fact, in charge. I lost all the dinner I'd forced down and ended up going home early from work yesterday because I just couldn't function. I feel better today so I suppose the roller coaster of pregnancy continues. I don't complain when I puke, and afterwards I use the doppler to bring a big smile back when I hear that fast-paced heartbeat.

*I only wear maternity work pants now and have ordered some maternity clothes from Wal.mart. None of my spring/summer clothes fit me even though I've lost so much weight. I don't go into public on weekends because of my lack of clothes so I'm hoping my order arrives by Friday. My pre-existing pooch is steadily been pushed outwards, making me look flabby still. I'm hoping for something a bit rounder in the next couple of weeks. I've wanted a belly for so long, I can barely contain my excitement when I think about how soon it is that I'll have an official bump!

___________________________________________________________________________
Finally, I wanted to note this for those of you interested in television getting IF stuff right. After recently catching up on all the past seasons of Gre.y's Anat.omy, I decided to watch Private Practice. Guilty pleasure, I know. So I watched the third disc of Season 1 last night, thanks to Netf.lix. Here is the rundown of what happened in an IF case which made me yell at the screen:

-35-ish aged couple comes in after TTC for 2 months and they want testing done.
-Same-day (regardless of where she is in her cycle) the RE and Addison (Board-certified neonatal surgeon, ob/gyn) do an LH and FSH draw on the wife and a semen analysis on the husband.
-Results are in within a couple of hours; couple stayed at the clinic to wait I guess. Wife's numbers are good and she's about to ovulate, also she has some fibroids (no u/s was mentioned earlier) that are not a problem now but could be later on. They should hurry to concieve as she's "old".
-Husband has no viable sperm in his sample. He is told he is sterile. Husband decides wife should immediately pick a donor for an IUI, same-day. He wants her to have kids, doesn't want to adopt.
-Wife can't pick a donor. The next day, husband brings in his arsehole brother to be the father/uncle. Couple decides to do IUI, that day, with brother's sperm. Just before RE pushes in the swimmers, couple says "No!" and decides not to go that route because the brother is an arsehole/jerk.
-Addison (neonatal surgeon, ob/gyn) and Naomi (RE) try to figure out how to get this couple pregnant. Decide to recommend TESE. This is day 2 of diagnosis by the way. Couple is happy, decides to go this route.
-Wife in one bed, husband in another. They do the TESE as he's awake, showing the procedure on a screen. Wife in next bed is ready to have her egg (though Addison says eggs) removed in case they are able to find any swimmers. SAME DAY PEOPLE. The couple must have fantastic insurance. Also there was no embryologist in the room, anesthesiologist, etc. Addison and Naomi do the TESE and find just one swimmer.
-ICSI is performed (are you kidding me?!) immediately and mitosis is quickly shown on the screen.
-TRANSFER IS DONE IMMEDIATELY. Patient sent home, who asks if it's too soon to feel pregnant.

Gag me. Please. I screamed at the screen out loud and silently. I was so mad that people were given the impression that this is all actually possible on a whim! Argh.

Oh and I watched more "Pregnant in Heels" last night. The only IF stuff was Rosie telling her husband that the clinic called and that he had to give his sample, that day. She apologized for forgetting to pick up the p.orn. DH saw that and laughed. Then Rosie said she should have made her husband a video. Then DH looked at me like, "why didn't you make me videos?". Sigh. Otherwise the pregnant ladies were awful. Again. Well, the one who wanted a gay assistant to help her with her busy life of planning her own parties in days was terrible. But the other one who didn't want to have sex with her husband and him saying she should "force herself to have sex with him" was so interesting since DH bugs me all the time and I am so not interested. Rosie did a good job showing the husband why his wife didn't want to be intimate. Oh and the sex couple? They met in Gemology School. They make jewelry. Huh.

Emailed PETA, Got A Response - Do We Win?

2011-04-08T14:28:00.001-05:00

I sent this email yesterday to PETA; I wanted to do something other than sign the petition and bitch on my blog:

From: coberbro@gmail.com
Sent: Thursday, April 07, 2011 12:08 PM
To: Ingrid Newkirk
Subject: NIAW "honor" is offensive

Ms. Newkirk:

As an infertile, I'm appalled at PETA's insensitivity of the vasectomy contest currently offered in "honor" of National Infertility Awareness Week.

Would you offer a free mastectomy in honor of Breast Cancer?
Would you offer free beer in honor of Mothers Against Drunk Driving?

Would you offer a free skin bleaching in honor of Black History Month?

Please end this offensive campaign. It is tarnishing PETA's reputation and hurting millions of people in the process.

Thank you.

Christa O.
Iowa

Here is the response I received moments ago:

From: Zoe Rappoport

Date: Fri, Apr 8, 2011 at 1:21 PM
Subject: Re: NIAW "honor" is offensive
To: "coberbro@gmail.com"

Dear Christa,

Thank you for contacting PETA about your objections to our contest offering a free vasectomy; please allow me to respond for Ingrid. We are sorry to have offended you, and we have removed the phrase “in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week” from our website. We understand that this was not a wise choice of words.

Our goal was to focus attention on the tragic suffering and death of homeless dogs and cats. Since the best way to prevent animal companions from having unwanted litters is to spay and neuter them, a kind PETA member offered to cover the cost of a vasectomy for one compassionate man who wants to get himself “snipped” just like his furry friend.

To learn more about our efforts to address the animal overpopulation crisis, please visit http://www.PETA.org/issues/companion-animals/spay-neuter.aspx. Thank you again for contacting us and for the opportunity to share our thoughts.

Sincerely,
Zoe Rappoport
Correspondent
PETA Foundation

So they took down the NIAW stuff. Do we get an apology? A donation to RESOLVE? I guess we'll see. At least they took it down.

Thoughts?

Weighing in on PETA; Bravo's "Pregnant In Heels"; Mother Update

2011-04-07T09:25:00.000-05:00

Two posts in one week. Do I get a gold star on my chart? This shall be less pregnancy, more IF-related today. I actually wrote this post in my head this morning. Sigh. Now I have to actually type it. When will we have the technology to write things with our minds?

PETA:
To preface, I'm a huge animal lover. I can't even watch a movie or show where an animal is hurt or tortured, real or fake. I have been a big supporter of PETA since I heard of the organization when I was a kid. If you haven't heard about the hot issue right now, just go to PETA's website. You'll be appalled if you're an infertile (whether you have a baby in your arms, are pregnant or are still battling). I have put up a link on the right side of my blog if you'd like to sign the petition. Feel free to read the comments people have left on that site regarding PETA's massively offensive campaign. It's funny too because PETA has no problem attacking anyone for being offensive but when they're in the crosshairs of infertiles, nothing hits the newswaves and no changes are made to what they've done. I'm sure if they offended breast cancer victims/survivors it'd be front page news. But nooooo. Infertiles don't qualify for equal treatment and clearly are being ignored. Hopefully if we keep screaming, something will be done.

Bravo's "Pregnant In Heels":
This show is about a woman named Rosie Pope who is a self-proclaimed "Maternity Concierge" to wealthy New York women. She has a fashion line of maternity clothing, bags, etc. and does house calls to cater to whatever her clients want. Google her - but if you can afford her clothes and services I don't know what you're doing in the blogosphere for infertiles because you much have better things to do with your time. ;)

I watched this show because right now I'm addicted to all shows about pregnancy. I have avoided them like the plague for 3 years and I feel like I'm catching up. I HATED this show for the first 20 minutes or so. But like the trainwreck I saw it for, I continued to torture myself and watch .

Then it happened. I saw Rosie use a Follistim pen and she began talking about her infertility, heart-shaped uterus and IVF. My jaw dropped, then I called DH in the room to tell him. He didn't care but I felt like I had to tell someone because when infertility/IVF is on TV I get really excited. DH and I have been semi-open about our struggles with certain people (a huge step for us) - we have to be careful because of the huge Catholic population here and some/most that we know or are related to oppose in-vitro because of their religion and we don't want to deal with their opinions or possible negative treatment of our child.

But to get back on track, I think I'll continue to watch this show. I found out the results of her IVF cycle. I won't share it here but if you want to know (for whatever reason) let me know or check it out online.

Mother:
...is psychotic and blamed me and my step-sister for her big announcement at the shower. No apology received for it at all. She got really mean, verbally attacked me for all kinds of issues unrelated to the one topic I went there to discuss, and blew up at me while throwing her predictable tantrum as she stomped out of the room. As we went to leave, DH and I quietly chuckled to ourselves (we're used to my mom's "crazy"), and my dad gave me a hug before going to deal with her aftermath. So I guess now we're not on speaking terms but I'm really glad I told her how I felt. It's been about 10 years since I did that and now that I'm not a teenager under her roof that she can push around, she didn't like it and responded exactly how I figured she would. We shall see how this plays out. Gotta love momma drama. If you've ever watched "Samantha Who?" from ABC then you'll remember her mother. That's my mom, in a nutshell, but crazier.

A Work Announcement, A Shower, My Mother and 13+ Weeks

2011-04-05T08:51:00.000-05:00

First off, some good stuff. I've never completed one of these things but they seem to give a good run-down of how things are progressing. If you want to know about this pregnancy, read on. If not and you want to read about how my weekend went and how my mother is on my shit list, scroll down*.

How far along: 13 weeks, 2 days
Total weight gain/loss: -10 lbs since BFP

Maternity clothes: Completely maternity on bottom, mixing it up on the top. I bought some sweet work maternity pants at Younkers last Friday and they are like sweats! I might wear them forever.
Sleep: Can't get enough of it, especially since I wake up every 2 hours to pee. I can't stay awake past 9:30 pm.

Best moment of the week: Listening to our baby's heartbeat on the Doppler (I do this every other evening). Seeing the smile on DH's face makes my heart melt every time. Oh and having my last PIO shot on Sunday night!

Food cravings/aversions: Mexican food is my favorite; I'm hating chicken (unless its in a taco, quesadilla or chimichunga) and a whole bunch of other foods. I swore I wouldn't drink pop and haven't since Christmas Day but last week I discovered that if I sip on some caffeine-free diet Dr. Pepper or Pepsi, it makes my nausea all but disappear. The main reason for anti-pop attitude is the Phenylalanine in it. Guess what? There was Phenylalanine in the Zofran my doctor gave me! Um, I'll enjoy the pop, thankyouverymuch. It doesn't make me super constipated (TMI). So I'm rationing the pop to when I absolutely feel awful.

Belly button in or out: In, but get this - I've had a "deep" belly button my whole life. Now I can see the end of it and so can DH. The whole shape of it has changed. With all the weight loss, I can't tell if it's the baby belly or not. Even at my skinniest my belly button was a "cavern", according to DH.
Stretch marks: Just the beauties I've had for years.
What I miss: Absolutely nothing; I'm beyond grateful and humbled that I'm actually in my 13th week.

What I am looking forward to: Currently I'm excited for the 20-week ultrasound appointment just to see how huge the baby will be. Also I can't wait till my pudgy burgeoning baby belly becomes more rounded in the next few weeks.
Weekly wisdom: I was told by a co-worker that I am being selfish for not wanting to find out the baby's gender because it makes gift-buying very difficult for friends and family. Nice.....

*Let's go down the list of how my weekend went:

Friday - I announced the pregnancy at work. At my law firm, the tradition is that the person making an announcement goes to a local favorite shop called Donut Boy and buys 2-3 dozen donuts, puts them in the break room and sends out an email announcing their news. Typically there are two types of announcements: babies and engagements. Friday was also April Fool's Day. I would NEVER joke about a pregnancy announcement, so that wasn't the catalyst. My belly and obvious morning sickness was getting a lot of attention last week so I figured Friday was the day to spill the beans. Everyone was very congratulatory and most of the women said they "just knew".

I felt like such an impostor, like I didn't deserve to be getting all that attention. I really didn't want it anyways, its not my style. After all these years watching other women have pregnancies and announcements and listening to all the women gab about it, I couldn't believe it was happening to me. I still can't. Overall its very strange.

Saturday - My sister's bridal shower. I was not in charge (I usually am 100% in charge), so it was pretty much a disaster. She seemed to have a fun time though, so whatever.

Here's the stunner for the day though. In addition to the groom's family and the bride's friends, the matriarchs of my side of the family showed up, consisting of two aunts and Grandma. My mother asked me if she could tell our side of the family about the baby. I said no because it was my sister's special day and if the family asked me I would tell them privately. I swear to g.od five seconds later she asks me to come over to where they were sitting for "just a second". I had been checking in guests, making name tags and pretty much trying to keep the bride out of the room so it could finish being set up (disaster, I tell you). I go over, thinking that they need a drink or something, and this is what comes out of my mother's mouth: "Attention everyone! I have an announcement to make! She's going to be so mad at me, but Christa's pregnant!!!!!!". To the whole room. All I could do was, through teary eyes, put a finger to my lips and say "Shh, it's Rachel's day so please don't say anything, but thanks for the congrats."

And I walked away. My family was half-excited, half-horrified at what my mother had done. I don't even need to explain to any of you why I'm so upset. I'm sure you can figure it out.

Tonight I will be meeting with my mother, my dad and my husband to basically lambast my mother for what she did and let her know that her behavior (not just on Saturday, she's been just awful for months) and constant comments to me that seem to dismiss our infertility struggle to get to this point are unacceptable and it all needs to stop. She will likely respond like a "Real Housewife of Whatever County" and flip the table while running to her room to throw a tantrum, slamming the door on her way. That is how she behaves when confronted, which is why it's been 10 years since I've done it.

Wish me luck.

Sunday - I sat on my butt all day watching TV and relaxing after having slept in till 11 a.m. and I even answered our front door in my robe and sweats with ratty hair at 2:30 pm. It was a perfect day.

12w4d

2011-03-31T19:42:00.000-05:00

I found the baby's heartbeat tonight! Love that doppler, totally worth the purchase. Heartbeat in the high 150s...amazing.

Psssst....

2011-03-28T08:08:00.001-05:00

hey. its me.

we made it. still pregnant and it's March 28th.

friday's appointment was fantastic; doppler didn't work so we got to see the baby dance on an ultrasound..

i didn't have a pio shot last night either, since we're alternating shot days this week.

wow.

i am grateful to have been given another day to be a mother.

11 1/2 Weeks.....Just Bobbing Along

2011-03-23T08:50:00.000-05:00

No, I didn't go to the doctor this week...yet. My "12 Week" appointment is this Friday afternoon, but they're basing that schedule off of my ultrasounds which have put me 2-3 days ahead repeatedly. I'm still "turning over" the weeks on Sundays. It's just easier till I have some more reassurance that all is going to be fine, i.e. 2nd Trimester.

The appointment this Friday will include a doppler check and a pelvic exam/pap smear. *Chuckle*.....nope. I'll be refusing the pelvic exam. The dildo-cam is all that's allowed 'round those parts for now. I just had my pap smear in November 2010 so I won't need that till either later in the pregnancy (not getting cocky, just planning ahead as needed) or after giving birth (is that actually going to happen?). The pelvic is really just to do the pap so as it is unnecessary - this has been confirmed by an OB nurse too so I'm not just being rebellious - I would feel more comfortable having the doppler check.

Since I have a tipped uterus, they likely won't find the heartbeat with the doppler yet, so I was promised that if that doesn't happen I will get a quick ultrasound. Neener neener HMO.

I still feel sick but it's more tolerable these days. I continue to want to feel sick as a reassurance that all is okay, at least until I can find the heartbeat with my doppler at home (I may have tried, it didn't work, don't judge me). Food in general is extremely difficult to eat as most food grosses me out. I'm now on an old person's diet of jello, yogurt and fruit. Nom nom nom. I'm sure I'll find all of that gross before the end of the week. Just for the record. My belly, while only in the 11th week, is getting a bit pokey. In that I mean the part under my belly button is starting to be protruding a bit more. I'd push on it to see what I felt but it's totally bruised and tender from the Heparin injections. I also feel what I'd call "growth" in my pelvic area. It's difficult to describe but it's not cramps, just different.

Home life is good. Our bathroom remodel is done and I'm enjoying it immensely, especially the shower. Bella was front-declawed and spayed a week and a half ago and seems to have healed completely. Her suture removal is this Saturday and I'm not looking forward to it. As cute as pink stitches are, why couldn't they have been dissolvable?

Dr. S said I should taper off of the PIO so I re-explained the plan to DH last night to finish out this week with daily shots and then go every other day for a week and then we're done. He got so pissy and said we weren't doing PIO for 13 weeks. I explained that we'd already discussed this and he was fine with it last week or so, and that it's not up to him. He's being quite an ass these days - mostly because of basketball on TV, and all of his fun plans to golf and watch baseball this summer. Things are tense most of the time as I don't feel well and he feels inconvenienced by me. I just don't get it. We would have given anything to be in this situation (pregnant) and I feel like he's taking it for granted. Sorry I don't plan on having sex during pregnancy, dear. Sorry I don't plan on golfing anytime soon, dear. Sorry I don't feel like traveling 7 hours to visit your brothers in Indiana and then turn around 36 hours later to sit in the car for another 7 hours, dear. Didn't mean to ruin your life.

Welcome to my marriage. Ugh. Some days are better than others though. I just have nobody IRL to vent to. Probably shouldn't anyways, marriage is supposed to be private I guess.....as I blog this for the world.

I just want to get past this next weekend. Past the days that were the pinnacle of suffering in my life. For some reason, I believe that if I can make it past that infamous (to me) date, everything will be okay.

10w5d-ish - I Went To The OB Yesterday

2011-03-18T08:34:00.003-05:00

...because I couldn't wait for next week's regularly scheduled appointment. It'd been 2 weeks since our last ultrasound and I couldn't take it anymore. Besides, Dr. B told me it was fine to come in every couple of weeks but I'd have to tell the nurse I was bleeding. Which I haven't so far, so knock on some wood for me. I sure am.

All was going according to plan when I made that call on Wednesday until I found out Dr. B isn't in all week. Only Dr. M could see me on Thursday. Dr. M - I fired her in November 2009 and switched to Dr. B. Awkward.

So DH and I went to the 1:30 pm u/s appt yesterday and I was a little nervous, he wasn't. As soon as that dildo-cam slid in I saw how big the sac was and how HUGE the baby had gotten! Holy crap! I immediately looked for that little flutter for a heartbeat. Ann, the other u/s who we normally have, was also in the room and though she was on the phone she saw the heartbeat just when I did and she put her thumbs up and smiled at me. I asked DH if he saw it, the heartbeat. He was sitting kind of behind me and I never looked at him (I didn't want to miss a thing on the screen) and said no but he doesn't know what to look for. Silly man.

The tech was great, showing us the little hands and feet and how long the umbilical cord was. We explained to her we've never made it this far so it's all new to us. After awhile of measurements, I asked if we should be able to see the baby move now. Ann said that it'd been moving before, maybe the tech should stop moving the "wand". So she put it in 3-D (or is it 4-D? I dunno) and that kid....our kid....went fricking nuts. Clearly he/she knew it was St. Patrick's day because that little jig we saw was incredible! What a spaz. Definitely my kid, that's for sure.

We got a CD again with 26 pictures this time (last time it was only 7). I'll post them at the end of all of this if you want to see.

Then we had to wait over an hour to see Dr. M and when we did it was a three and a half minute meeting. She said everything looked great, asked about the bleeding (Dr. B is the only one in on the whole bleeding thing) and I said it was the day before only and nothing since. I am the worst liar but I'm hoping she gave us a pass. Again: STUPID HMO.

And that was that. After work when DH was in the shower, as we prefer to shower at night, I snuck out my doppler and gave it a try. I know, late 10 weeks is too early. But what the heck, right? I knew everything was fine today so it didn't scare me when I couldn't find the heartbeat yet. Tilted uterus + 10+ weeks = no doppler for awhile. I did find my own hearbeat when I put the wand on my chest and it was still calming to hear that whooshing sound, even though it was just me. I'll try again after next Friday's appointment (my official 12 week appt when I won't even be 12 weeks yet. It was their idea, not mine).

Measurements:
GA: 10w6d (based on egg retrieval I was 10w3d but with consistent measurements of at least 1 day ahead, my due date has been changed to 10/9/11 and I was considered 10w4d at the time of the u/s).
CRL: 3.93 cm (1.54 inches)
Heartbeat: 167 bpm
Two arms, two hands, two legs, two feet, one head. I'll never take that for granted.

I'll post a few of the 26 pictures now.....man I hope this lasts:

9w4d - First "Routine" OB Appointment (with a nurse)

2011-03-10T15:47:00.000-06:00

Still here, still pregnant. Still laying low and quietly keeping my fingers crossed.

I had my 9 week History & Bloodwork appointment this afternoon. The nurse called me back into a little room that literally said "Patient History" outside the door. She asked me about my medical history, pregnancies, losses, medications, etc. Pretty boring for most but I was thrilled to have actually made it to my first normal appointment this pregnancy. Of course I plan to call next Monday and tell them I'm "spotting and cramping" again so I can have my 10 week ultrasound......stupid HMO.

If it weren't for the peaking morning sickness this week I'd probably have demanded an ultrasound today. Seriously.

This pregnancy has officially beat my other pregnancies. Is it the heparin/prednisone combination? Was it the Darwin-esque manner in which I was impregnated? Who knows, right? I sure don't. But I do think the meds are helping; whether it's medically or mentally, I feel more confident because of the meds. I think that the confidence relaxes me too, which I know is good.

I realized today that food has been a major obstacle for me since about week 5 of this pregnancy because of the severe nausea and it reminds me of when DH and I were losing weight for our wedding and everything about my life was about food. Strange now that I'm desperate to eat something and gain some weight (I can't seem to gain an ounce, just losing a little at a time).

I put in my last refill for PIO yesterday (along with my 3rd Heparin refill) and I'm pretty pumped to be done with those within a month's time. DH wants to quit the first day of the 12th week, but I'd rather finish out the bottle, putting me closer to 13 weeks. Does anyone have any recommendations as to what they would do? I'm a habitual aborter who is terrified of stopping PIO shots but knows that it needs to and can happen in the 12th week.

In pet news, Bella (now 7 months old) is getting spayed and front-declawed tomorrow. I take her to a vet in the "city" that uses a laser for the surgery. It cauterizes the nerves; extremely humane compared to how normal declawing is done. They do a wonderful job with animal surgeries and our "boys" recovered seamlessly after their surgeries.

Speaking of the boys, they are marking so much now that we've decided to retrain them. They'll be kept in our big laundry room for about 5 days with all their normal amenities of food, litter and a couple of cat trees with beds and we'll clean the house up one more time to hopefully get rid of the pee scents they've left behind. Grrr. Next step, unfortunately, is medication. We've tried everything else.

And finally, in wedding news:

Bridezilla's wedding shower has been planned, booked and budgeted. Each of us five bridesmaids will contribute $160 to the cause to cover the shower at the mexican restaurant and the party bus with the amenities. Plus t-shirts. All fine by me. I will not be attending anything after the shower, i.e. the "undercover party" which I understand is dildos, and then the 40 minute party bus trip to Wisconsin where the girls will bar-hop.

I WILL be paying my portion 100% because its more important to me to contribute and not cause drama than to argue that I don't have to pay towards the bachelorette because I'm not going. Fair enough.

Guess what? One of the other bridesmaids announced she is pregnant and won't go to the bachelorette because she can't drink and it won't be fun. Thus, she's refusing to pay her portion. Drama, drama, drama. She is the groom's sister so we don't know what to do with her. I have decided to call her early next week and share that I too am not going, I'm pregnant but I'm paying so that my relationship with the bride is not tainted for the rest of my life as she is family. I will suggest that this bridesmaid (a notorious flake) antes up. I'm sure she won't but at least I will have tried. Once I have the ultrasound next Tuesday and if all is well I'll tell the bride and the rest of the bridesmaids so they're aware but I'll remind them that financially, I'm all in.

Stupid wedding. I can't wait for you to see how ugly this dress is. I tried it on last weekend and was horrified at how massive I look. No the front is cute with my suddenly bloated belly. But the back? Tank.Ass.

I'll keep ya'll posted. Pun intended.

Ultrasound #3 - You're Not Going To Believe This

2011-03-02T13:36:00.000-06:00

It's still alive. Now we had a different ultrasound tech today so she measured it 3 days ahead instead of 1, but we're not sticking to it too much because, according to my doctor, each tech uses a different spot to do CRL measurements so it could differ between them.

Stats:
CRL 2.10 cm (0.82 in)
Heartrate: 158 bpm
Measuring: 8w5d
No blood near sac, ovaries still enlarged but not an issue.

Pictures:

I guess I'll be able to breathe for another couple of weeks. Once (if) I can get to the point when I can listen on the doppler I bought 2 years ago I'm sure I'll relax a little. But I'm going to continue to need some reassurance ultrasounds through 12 weeks.

Inhale..................exhale..................for awhile.

By the way, we're about to reach that fourth milestone (beating the past 4 pregnancies). I don't know how to be pregnant past 9 weeks. I'll just live each day being thankful, grateful, and in awe.

PS: I wore my transfer socks to this ultrasound. And the last one too. I find them comforting, and lucky!

8w2d

2011-03-01T08:48:00.000-06:00

I'm still here, and until proven otherwise I'm still pregnant. Note to self: if I take a Zofran at 6:30 am, drink ice cold water, then eat a bowl of cereal at 7:15 am before leaving and finally chew mint gum in the car ride to work, I will feel pretty decent and only slightly nauseous for the next hour or so.

Perhaps I'll try that again tomorrow to see if there's a pattern. However as I've felt pretty okay the past hour and a half, it worries me as the extreme nausea has been comforting to me as an affirmation of this pregnancy.

I will be calling Dr. B's office for an ultrasound tomorrow morning to check on things. I'm thinking of calling today to give them a day to squeeze me in as a courtesy (as I have to "lie" and say I'm spotting and cramping though none of that has happened thus far). Sigh.

I'm scared to go because of the possibility that something's wrong. I have had all kinds of miscarriages. Chemical. Sudden (with an SCH). Ectopic. Blighted Ovum. I haven't had a missed miscarriage yet. I'd like to avoid that but I really don't have any of control over the situation.

I have had many positive comments from ladies I follow and some that I don't (ICLW is pretty neat, I will admit), and the support has been so wonderful. I really am just trying to make it day by day.

I pulled out the ultrasound pictures from Pregnancy #2 on Sunday and examined the 7w3d and 8w3d (last u/s of the baby alive) pictures to see how big the baby was so I'm prepared for this week's look. For tomorrow's ultrasound, based on previous measurements, the baby should be 8w3d. Gotta love the irony I guess. What I have realized is that the 8w3d ultrasound was done the day before the sudden loss. Thus, on Friday March 27th, 2009 I technically lost the baby at 8w4d based on its measurements even though the doctors put me at 9 weeks. This Thursday is projected to be 8w4d. Sunday is 9 weeks. All I can think about is making it to next Monday, March 7th. That would mean that this pregnancy beat all my other pregnancies.

After that, my goal is to make it to 12 weeks - the projected date?

Sunday, March 27th.

Why do we connect dates so much when we're trying to conceive and then miscarrying, and then pregnant again? I know I'm not the only one who's been through this. But honestly - that date, March 27th. It was the absolute worst day of my entire life. Nothing has come close. And I hope more than anything that this year on that date, I reach 12 weeks of pregnancy.

7w?d, 4d? I Dunno.

2011-02-24T13:54:00.001-06:00

1. Thank you to all the ICLW visitors. I have been pushing myself to do this and I can't for the life of me figure out why blogging is suddenly the most scary thing in the world to me.

2. I'm scared to blog. I'm scared to comment and check other blogs. I've passed 3 out of 4 milestones (passed 3 out of 4 previous pregnancies) and the closer I get to #4 milestone (or if you'll remember, pregnancy #2) all I can do is remember when the "bad" stuff started and how it all went downhill from there. I was eating peaches 'n cream instant oatmeal this morning and I remembered I was eating that the morning I lost #2 at 9 weeks. I mostly remembered throwing it up in the ER. Tomorrow, based on the fetal pole measurement last Friday, I will be 7w5d. That was when the spotting started for pregnancy #2. Listen, I'm not trying to "hijack" this pregnancy. I don't want to doom it. I would like a goddam kid out of this for once. I am sick all the time and the Zofran has me so dang constipated that my insides are playing out every fight scene from every action movie I've ever seen. (I'm not complaining, please believe me.)

I have been quietly checking on everybody during this time and seeing some successes and I'm so thrilled for those ladies but there are also some heartbreaking losses and I'm so incredibly sad and angry about all of it. I'm honestly half-expecting myself to be back where I started instead of this pregnancy succeeding. Why shouldn't I feel this way? I don't know anything else but failure. Sure its not my fault, but still.

I don't get weekly ultrasounds because I have an HMO, which runs the entire medical practice I go to, who is a big dick and won't cover "unnecessary" things like a weekly u/s for a "habitual aborter". My local ob/gyn told me to call his OB nurses and tell them I'm spotting/cramping (none of which has or should be happening soon) and they'll get me in for an u/s and that way the insurance will pay for it. I told him I'll likely do that every other week. Um, I want it every week please. But I guess I have to be reasonable.

As for the prenatal care, that's the HMO again. Sure they cover it, but I have a huge deductible and the insurance calendar year is school-year based because DH works for a University. Thus, the deductible starts over in June. The medical provider wants payment for all doctors fees, exams, etc prior to the baby's birth. Thus they want me to start a payment plan for all this crap. Like I told 'em: I want to get out of the first trimester first please. And screw your payment plan which is as big as my student loan payment; I'll pay the invoice in full each month. Dicks.

Overall I refuse to get ahead of myself. Sure I g.oogle stuff every day like "embryo size 7w3d" or "belly pics 16 weeks" so I can get an idea of how big I might be for my step-sister's wedding if this baby sticks around that long.

I'm just too scared. Thankful but scared.

3. I'm dreading my step-sister's wedding. I'm sure she only asked me to be a bridesmaid because she was one for our wedding. She's forcing us to wear these ugly dresses and horrible matching shoes - because her wedding wouldn't be "perfect" if all the bridesmaids weren't wearing 2+ inch heels with a narrow front and open toes with teal nail polish on our toes (also required) and huge fake flowers in our hair. She's a freakin' bridezilla, I tell ya. I'm hoping she kicks me out of the wedding because our close friend is getting married on 4/2/11 and my step-sister just decided last weekend she wants her shower and bachelorette party to be on 4/2/11. Guess who's bachelorette party I'm skipping? Yeah I don't wanna go anyways. The bridesmaids are bitches. I hate the maid-of-honor, and I don't even like any of my step-sisters anymore. Stupid 4/23/11 wedding on Easter weekend. I don't wanna go. Did I mention I had to force her to write down her shower and bachelorette guest list last Saturday so we could then actually book a place for her shower and know how big of a bus to rent for the party? Yes she is demanding a bus. With coolers of beer in it. Demanding.

4. My belly is really bloated and buttoning/zipping my pants at work has become "optional". I'm glad I have an office with a door. I think the bloating is due to the following: heparin shot bruising = pain, constipation, gas, baby (?), laziness of sucking in my gut. It's all theory.

That is all.

For now.

I'll keep updating.

I promise.

ICLW February 2011 - Consider This Cherry Popped

2011-02-21T14:14:00.000-06:00

First ICLW for me - I'm proud that I'm doing this, especially in the wake of some kind of sudden blogging depression/fear that I'm experiencing. So here is my story:

My husband and I got married on November 9th, 2007 and we started trying for a baby that night. Fast-foward five months to Pregnancy #1 in March 2008, lasting 12 hours and ending in a chemical pregnancy. We continued trying for another year using OPKs, timed intercourse and Pre-seed. That resulted in Pregnancy #2 in March 2009 but ended at 9 weeks in a sudden and traumatic miscarriage after many ultrasounds of a healthy pregnancy with a strong heartbeat each time and a healed sub-chorionic hemaetoma.

We began fertility treatment later that summer of 2009. Our doctor told us the day of our first IUI (w/ Clomid) that my husband's count (2 million motile post-wash) was too low and that we'd need IVF/ICSI, we were devastated. We'd known his count was low but not that low. That IUI failed. My husband did not want to do IVF so we continued with IUIs and he saw a Fertility Urologist who put him on 50 mg Clomid every other day. His count increased after three months and we concieved on our 3rd IUI but that ended up being ectopic and rupturing the day after Thanksgiving which resulted in emergency surgery for me but they saved my right tube. I switched doctors within the OB/GYN practice at that point as I wanted to get more aggressive with treatment. IUI #7 with injectables was another "winner" in April 2010 but after not seeing a fetal pole by 7 weeks it was deemed a blighted ovum. That was another surgery I had to endure.

We decided at that point that maybe IVF was the way to go. We had one bad visit with a local clinic and hated it so we kept doing IUIs while we were in limbo. I came across a Newsweek article about a clinic in St. Louis, Missouri called The Fertility Partnership where the cost was nearly 50% of most clinics and the doctor cared about the patients and their well-being, not becoming rich off the process. We decided to stop by the clinic on our way from Iowa to Arkansas for a cousin's wedding and we loved the look and the people. I had a phone consult with the doctor the day after my birthday and we scheduled a trip to the clinic for mid-October 2010. After a wonderful meeting with the doctor and his staff, we knew we were in. We did many more blood tests and I had a Laparascopic/Hysteroscopy with Tubal Dye Study and was diagnosed with Endometriosis Stage I-II but clear tubes.

We traveled back and forth from Iowa to St. Louis this January and completed our first IVF cycle (all out of pocket) and received many new diagnoses from the treatment. I apparently make terrible eggs (weak "shell") and possibly have a clotting disorder in addition to Natural Killer-type cells. Finally my AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone) level is below a 2.0 and that shows Ovarian Dysfunction.

IVF #1 included 20 follicles, ICSI and Assisted Hatching, 4 embryos that made it to the 3 day transfer, 2 transferred embryos, no frozen embryos. Today, I am 7 weeks pregnant with a singleton whose heartbeat was confirmed on an ultrasound last Friday at 6 weeks 5 days. We are extremely hesitant to get too excited and are taking this day by day, but obviously we are beyond thankful to be expecting and hope so much that we have a take-home baby in October 2011.

Thanks for stopping by!

Call Me Dr. Frankenstein...

2011-02-18T13:07:00.000-06:00

...because, IT'S ALIVE!!!!!

Measuring a day ahead at 6w5d, 7.1 mm, heart rate of 131 bpm.

I cried. DH said that there's no crying in baseball.

We were then hugged, congratulated, and then ushered to the patient accounts office where they nearly stopped my heart with the total cost of prenatal care (which must be set up an a payment plan, apparently).

I told them to shove it till we make it out of the first trimester. For once.

Can you believe it? I barely could.

I get another u/s in a couple of weeks - though the doc said I'll have to say I'm spotting and worried so that insurance covers it.

Still very sick, got a Zofran Rx. If this gets worse I'm in for a doozy.

Thanks for the well wishes and while we're still holding our breaths, we got to exhale a little today.

6w2d

2011-02-16T15:21:00.001-06:00

Sorry that its been a few days. I'm just so nervous to do daily posts because they'll all say the same thing:

I'm happy and thankful each and every moment that I'm pregnant.
I'm sick as a dog (morning sickness), throw up/dry heave all day.
I'm terrified that I'm not getting a take-home baby.

I hate to be redundant so I'll sum it up in those three items.

Next ultrasound is this Friday at 10:30 am - with my local doctor. We should hear/see a heartbeat because I'll be 6w4d with an embryo that might still be measuring a day ahead. We'll see I guess.

Funny: when I called the local office to set up the u/s, I reached Old-Lady-Nurse in the Fertility Department who knows NOTHING about IVF or for that matter, most fertility treatment. All past conversations with her have been infuriating. She specifically asked when my transfer was. I told her it was on 1/20. I added that the retrieval was on 1/17 and that I had a Day-3 transfer. She said that on Friday I'll be barely 6 weeks. I tried to correct her. She said I was wrong. Way to use the transfer date as the "ovulation" date. Why are you in the OB/GYN's infertility department?

Anyways, here's a picture of last Saturday's ultrasound:

The fetal pole is at the top of the yolk sac, looks like a long, skinny "x".
Was measuring 3.1 mm.

We didn't see anything other than a yolk sac with the blighted ovum last May. So we're beating the last pregnancy, yay us I guess. I didn't realize till Saturday that this is only the second actual "baby" we've seen on an ultrasound in five pregnancies. I hope its still there in 2 days with a beating heart. I don't know what I'll do if this goes badly.....

I'll catch up on my commenting soon, I'm just really holding my breath till Friday.

All Has Been Revealed

2011-02-12T08:41:00.000-06:00

One gestational sac. One yolk sac. And one amazing fetal pole. Measuring one day ahead at 5w6d. Sooo close to seeing the heartbeat. So happy!

U/S #1 Tomorrow Morning....What Oh What Will We See?

2011-02-11T09:45:00.000-06:00

I'm so terrified that tomorrow won't go well. We're going all the way back down to St. Louis (staying 2 nights at DH's insistence) for this ultrasound after only two betas (I'm used to 4 betas) and I'm so scared that we'll get the rug pulled out from under us like last year (pregnancy #4).

I had a dream last night that we were doing the ultrasound with Dr. S and there were two gestational sacks, two yolk sacs and two fetal poles. I was so happy. Then I woke up. You know I've been checking TP every time I go to the bathroom? Every time I've been pregnant something has happened - so I keep an eye out for a repeat occurrence of something bad from previous pregnancies. I don't want to be caught off guard again. At least not for a fifth time.

So today, at 5w4d I will enjoy this pregnancy for everything that it is and just hope that tomorrow goes smoothly.

Did I mention that I've felt sick for the past week? Quite nauseous. I'm a Saltines girl and they've been my best friends for the past 7-8 days. I haven't thrown up yet because I'm still in the stage where I can hold it in. I remember in pregnancy #2 by the time I got to 7 1/2, 8 weeks I couldn't keep it in anymore and was throwing up a lot.

I'll be 6 weeks on Monday and I wonder how much longer I'll make it without full-on bonding with the porcelain queen? Car rides are the worst - we have a 40 minute commute each way for work so that's hard enough. Can you imagine a 5 hour car ride like that? I'll bring some bags with me I guess. And snacks. Lots of snacks. I know morning sickness is a good sign, but I had it last spring and still had a blighted ovum so I'm not going to get too hung up on the odds that getting sick means healthy baby. But it came on so quickly and has progressed so fast that I'm wondering if this "version" of m/s is a good sign. I guess we just won't know for awhile.

I thought I'd amuse you with some funny stuff, since its been a while. We could call it Friday FAILs but I can't promise consistency:

So being pregnant with a "human" baby and feeling sick

because of it makes me feel like what?

Should I not feel human right now?

Or "Drizzle". Terrible name for a baby. Sorry Finn.

I'll probably be saying this in a few weeks, especially if its twins.

It'll bug the hell out of my husband.

*Question: Is it bad that I got my husband's V-Day card

at the Dollar Tree? It's super-cute!

My cats do this kind of stuff too, but behind things like

my shoes, or the leg of a chair.

Mmmm. I bed my cats would love some Cat'sHit.

I'm not a dog person but even I feel bad for the guy.

Cats are bitches and they get sh*t done.

Thats why they get to sleep where they want to I guess.

Life Feels Like A Bunch Of Constant "Countdowns" These Days

2011-02-09T09:36:00.000-06:00

2 days. 21 hours. 58 minutes. That's how long (right now) I have to wait till our first ultrasound. I've passed Milestone #1 and on Saturday will have reached Milestone #2. Its all I can seem to think about. We're basically convinced we're having twins - way to put the big fat cart in front of the horse, right? See, we can't see us affording IVF again after even one baby, so I guess selfishly we're hoping for twins so we can complete our family. I can't possibly be the only infertile whose thought this way though, right?

I have to let you all know that I stumbled across this blog today: I Want To Be A Daddy, written by Alec. He recently started the blog and is taking us through their journey one step at a time and I find his writing so helpful as it gives the husband's perspective of an infertile life with losses and heartbreak. I highly recommend you take a look!

In other news, I received my prize from LisaB's giveaway she had on her blog The Pursuit of Pregnancy!

As soon as I saw the package in my mailbox I knew that was it so I tore it open and spent the rest of the night pouring over it - lots of info, for sure. I even showed DH some pictures and while he was pretty grossed out, this whole IF experience has made the female reproductive system much less of an "ick-factor" for him to look at. Thanks for the book, Lisa!

In work news, I've been working on trial prep for case and it's gotten pretty intense. Basically we hate the opposing attorney and she's making everything we do a hassle and a headache. I can't wait till the judge hears about it and throws the book at her. Small-town Iowa, you'd think that we wouldn't have to deal with the schenanigans of big-city lawyers, but apparently we do.

Overall I'm just trying to make it through each day, worried all the time that something bad will happen. Will we have a sudden miscarriage like pregnancy #2? A blighted ovum (or two?) like pregnancy #4? DH wants me to switch to suppositories because he hates giving me the shots (it takes me a 1/2 hour to get myself psyched up for the PIO every night, it's sad) and said he will be begging Dr. S to have me switch over to suppositories as soon as possible.

I don't feel comfortable quitting the shots that early though because I feel like its working and it cancels out a possible progesterone issue if I'm getting so much now. My levels haven't even been tested and I don't want to worry about anything happening if I go off them too soon. Dr. S will give us his advice and I trust him. But I'm scared not to do PIO till at least 8 weeks. Can anyone give me some advice?

Finally I want to send a shout out to all you supporters out there leaving me comments, thoughts and overall encouragement. It makes me feel really good to know there are people out there rooting for us. So thank you again! Soon I will be able to blog about things other than pregnancy, I'm just on edge because of four prior losses. I'm sure you can understand and sadly, some of you can relate.

Beta #2 *Updated with graph

2011-02-06T17:59:00.002-06:00

16dp3dt: 1226 mlU/ml!

Doubling time of 35.5 hours.

Dr. S said no more betas, next step: ultrasound #1!

Either I'm havin' twins or an overachieving singleton.

Ultrasound next Saturday, 2/12/11 in St. Louis at 7:30 am. Deep breaths, people.

4w4d/15dp3dt - What A Beta Day

2011-02-04T09:12:00.000-06:00

Whew! Yesterday was nutz! Work was crazy, I barely got to eat anything till dinner, and I was up before 5am.

Today is a different story. I finally know that I am pregnant, the number seems to rule out ectopic or a CP (so far), and I'm just so ready to move forward and make it past all my other pregnancy "dates".

If you are not an RPL victim like I am - and I say victim because I didn't do anything wrong - then you always keep track of when the pregnancies ended. Here are my dates/milestones for me to get past for this pregnancy:

4w5d - Pregnancy #1 which was a chemical, ended at midnight at four weeks five days.
5w4d - Pregnancy #3 which was ectopic, ended on this day due to rupture and I had emergency surgery.
7w0d - Pregnancy #4 which was a blighted ovum, ended with a D&C. Might've been 6w5d but what's the difference?
9w0d - Pregnancy #2 which was a sudden loss after seeing the heartbeat consisistently for 3 weeks. Awful.

Once I get to Sunday, I will have reached Milestone #1. It will likely be the easiest of the four. Making it past Milestone #4 doesn't guarantee us anything, but I will surely breathe quite the sigh of relief.

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Question: does anyone know what the hell happened to babymed.com's beta graph capabilities? I tried yesterday to make one on their site and it would not work at all! I just wanted to see the progression and whether yesterday's beta of 471 mlU/ml was near the twins range. Here's one I made myself based on last year's pregnancy's chart that I saved. Because I'm nuts:

I figure there's still a shot of having twins. At least I'm not below the "average" line. I feel good so far.

But only so far. :)

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Last but not least, I'm finally doing my first ICLW this month! I hope it goes well. I feel like such a an IF virgin when it comes to this stuff! 2010 was my first Creme, now I'm doing ICLW. What's next?

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I have just gotten back into Grey's Anatomy recently after quitting the show during the whole ferry disaster in season 3 or whatever. I want to rant a little here as an IF-er (SPOILER ALERT, LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE):
Calliope is pregnant, maybe 5-6 weeks along. She bugs an MFM/OB/GYN for an ultrasound, everything's fine but she's told it's too early to hear a heartbeat. Drama drama drama.....later this doctor tells her that you can't even hear/see a heartbeat till "at least 8 weeks".
WTF?!?!?! Lies. All lies I tell you. First the "hostile uterus" crap by Meredith and now incorrect info as to heartbeats and ultrasounds? There was a scene where Mark (baby daddy) went to McDreamy and dropped the pregnancy bomb and asked for advice. I loved this: Shepherd said that he and Meredith have been trying for months with no luck and Mark looks at a chick and she's knocked up. You should have seen Shepherd's face when he got the news. Nice to see a man's reaction for once to a preggo announcement.

Still though. 8 weeks!?

14dp3dt - Has Your IVF Doctor Called You Lately?

2011-02-03T12:54:00.000-06:00

I have so much to say that I can't even organize it into a coherent thought!

First of all, beta results.

471!!!!

The husband and I are thrilled with this result! Last year, with the doomed blighted ovum pregnancy, the level at 17dpo (today) was only 136 mIU/ml. I think we're doing much better than that, don't you? Beta #2 is this Saturday with u/s #1 tentatively scheduled for next Saturday, 2/12.

I have to say this and I hope that someone googles my blog or my clinic and sees this:

Fertility Partnership is the best IVF clinic EVER!!!!!!

My doctor called me last night because he'd read my post about the PIO info I'd been given by someone at the clinic. I don't know if you saw this, but he actually commented on that post:

"As Medical Director of Fertility Partnership I would like to say that PIO can not cause a false positive hcg. I would like to know what individual on our staff actually said that to you so that they may be reeducated.

The LH/HCG trigger can give false positives if testing is done very early. We draw the test on the day we do for number of reasons that I will share with you when you come in.

Having said that ......Congratulations.!!!"

February 1, 2011 8:51 PM

When I read that comment my heart dropped. I thought I'd gotten someone in trouble, that they were mad at me, that I'd upset someone, etc. I felt so incredibly bad. But then I remembered why I have this blog: to share, to vent, to document. I re-read my post and realized that I was simply venting and hadn't mentioned this person's name or anything. I am spoiled by my local clinic for early betas because I'm sure they give in due to being sick of hearing me call them all the time! I should have waited and been happy that I wasn't in beta hell all week. But I still felt bad. I didn't even know that my doctor was the one who had commented!

So when he called me last night, he wanted to straighten out the confusion about the PIO shots. He clarified that this was not true, just as he'd said in his post and we talked about why they do betas at 14dp3dt (to have a way to track results across the board, on the same day). He answered all my questions, we shared jokes and he said that he'd seen my pictures and that I was definitely pregnant. He was so congratulatory and helpful and all I almost cried because while I almost felt like I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar, I was so happy that he is such an honest and upfront man who would take time out of his evening just to call me about something like this.

I have had many doctors in my lifetime. None have EVER shown me the care and respect that Dr. Simckes has and I'm beyond grateful for that. His care has been above and beyond that of any physician (or even dentists) that I have come into contact with. If I wasn't "in the closet" about our infertility, I would come "out" online and in public today to proclaim how proud and honored I am to have him as my RE. I wish that I lived closer so he could be my all-time OB/GYN and deliver my baby/babies. I'll tell you what though, if I can get through the first trimester, even past viability: I'm having an official coming out on Facebook. I can't wait to tell others about all of this and to advise anyone who will listen that you don't need to spend $24,000 at the clinic closest to you for a 3 fresh + 3 frozen cycle plan that doesn't include monitoring or labs. You don't have to pay a fee for asking to do local monitoring since you only live an hour away from that expensive clinic. You shouldn't be told you will only be allowed to transfer one embryo, even if you fight for two.

We were involved in every single step of our treatment. I asked questions, I questioned answers, and everything that was happening to me was explained and I was comforted. I got hugs and high fives. I walked out of each appointment knowing that the FP staff cared about me and our future babies.

Our decision to drive back and forth to St. Louis from Northeastern Iowa for this IVF treatment was one of the best we've ever made and we are both elated that thanks to Dr. Simckes and his staff at Fertility Partnership, we are, according to him, "Royally pregnant!!!!"

By the way, he called me HIMSELF to deliver my beta results and discuss where we go from here. Are you kidding me?!?!? Sure, a call from one of their awesome nurses would have sufficed, but he called me himself. How cool is he!?

So congrats to me, congrats to my husband, and congrats to the Fertility Partnership for (so far) another success story!!!!

http://www.facebook.com/fertilitypartnership
www.fertilitypartnership.com/

13dp3dt/16dpo

2011-02-02T17:31:00.000-06:00

No, you're not crazy. The test line is stealing dye from the control line.

I can't believe beta #1 is tomorrow.

Finally.

I was home for an unintended snow day today because we were literally snowed in and couldn't use our vehicle. I guess I'm working on Saturday.

13 hours and 43 minutes.

Holy beta folks, I wonder what it's gonna be?!?!?!

12dp3dt/15dpo - Lets Talk About My Gay Cats

2011-02-01T09:50:00.001-06:00

HPT madness at the bottom if you're interested. Right now, I'd like to have a discussion about feline homosexuality.

I have three cats. Two are male. One is female (but still a kitten). Our two male cats are super-gay. If they would let me put collars on them, they would each have rainbow collars with tons of bells. I support my gay cats but I discourage them when their intimacy makes me uncomfortable. For example: Milo (gray cat) began a little foreplay with Jack (black and white cat) the other day which turned into a full on porno in about 5 minutes. It was pretty disturbing. Jack makes some interesting noises.

So I got out my phone camera and videotaped it. 'Cause I'm gross I guess. But I kept laughing.

Jack is like my best girlfriend. He loves my hair and wants to play with it all the time. He's hugely dramatic and picky and a bit dainty. He's a huge queen. I think he sometimes questions his sexuality because he will occasionally cuddle with little Bella. But Milo always brings him back and I find them making out somewhere.

Here are some pictures of my gay, gay cats.

I kept the pictures clean. But I've got a stash of gay cat porn if you're interested. I wonder if Bella will turn lez? At least I know she won't be getting bugged by the boys. Did I mention the lovely couple is neutered? I think the vet missed a nut or two.

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Thanks for all the support yesterday. I felt like I was crazy after that phone call but now I know that it's all bullshit. I'll definitely be bringing that to Dr. Simckes' attention next time I talk to him.

Below is a picture of last night's FRER addition. I'm only using them at night now. It's still a bit of crack to me I suppose. I also use ICs and $tree tests. The $tree tests are fun because they keep getting darker and darker. I think I've maxed out the FRERs and Answer tests. The dye is starting to make the test line darker now.

Symptoms: heartburn, cramping, motion sickness (if I'm hungry and in a car, I will feel sick), sore boobs, constant hunger, tired all.the.time. I just did a boob check. Yep. Still sore. I know its probably the PIO causing it but still, it is a welcome but painful symptom.

I'm impatiently counting the hours till Beta #1 - do you have any guesses as to what my 14dp3dt/17dpo beta will be with 2 transferred embryos and a super-early BFP with a digital at 6dp3dt? I have no clue. I'm shooting for 500+. The median beta at 17dpo on http://www.betabase.com/ is 580 for twins. Singleton beta for 17dpo is 285 but I'd be surprised if it was below 500. Honestly. The FRERs have been dark since 9dp3dt.

We'll see I suppose. In the meantime, I'll keep on keepin' on. And trying to survive the blizzard heading our way!

11dp3dt - Here's One For The IF Books

2011-01-31T11:09:00.001-06:00

Sigh.

First I have to gather myself after the conversation I had with the IVF clinic today. Wow.

I called to let them know what's been going on with the HPTs and all that and here's what I was told:

"It might be the PIO causing the positives though. You have been on PIO shots, right? Yeah they can cause false positives and that's why we prefer that patients don't test at home and instead wait for the beta. I mean, if they're positive then you're likely pregnant, but we don't want to risk it."

I asked for the beta to get moved up. That got shot down. What the hell?

I called my local doctor's office and asked to set up a beta for tomorrow and Thursday and I was told they won't do it without orders from the IVF clinic. I said I only had orders for this Thursday's beta and I was asked to fax that over.

Have any of you heard of this theory? Home pregnancy tests do not test for progesterone, only HCG. They are two completely different hormones! I'm not buying that crap but I guess I have no choice but to wait for Thursday's draw.

This sucks and kind of pisses me off. I've NEVER read anything, anywhere, about Progesterone In Oil supplementation causing false BFPs. Also, I was on progesterone suppositories after every IUI and I NEVER had a false positive.

This is unreal.

I won't post any pictures of HPTs today because I don't have my cell phone. Also, the test line is getting darker than the control line so what's the point? Also I've had AF-type cramping since Saturday, my nips hurt a lot and I pee all the time. I have heartburn once in a while and I'm starving all the time.

Could be PIO, fine. But don't tell me that it's causing my HPTs to be falsely positive. Puh-leeeze!

10dp3dt - Just More HPT Pics

2011-01-30T08:22:00.000-06:00

I'm probably going to beg for an added beta for this Tuesday (12dp3dt) to go with Thursday's beta.

Taken Saturday 1/29/11, 9dp3dt

Taken Sunday 1/30/11, 10dp3dt

You might not be able to see it, but the test lines are as dark as the control lines. I don't know why I continue to test...but I'm now out of FRERs and Answers and I have coupons, so I'll be going to the drug store later today. Before my nap. I'm exhausted.

Good lord am I eating for 3 now?

That would be pretty awesome.

8dp3dt - Blog Award #2!

2011-01-28T09:42:00.000-06:00

I would again like to thank Bridget at The Lost Stork for this award, and it is only my second one since my blogging adventure began waaay back in 2008. I'm honored.

This award acceptance is very similar to my first award but with a twist, read on:

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award. *Thanks again Bridget!!!
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers (this is the twist!).
4. Make sure you contact these bloggers to let them know about the award

Here are 7 more things about me:

1. I care about animals more than humans. I can't watch movies or TV where an animal is hurt or killed.
2. DH and I are college sweethearts. We met and fell in love when I was a sophomore and he was a freshman (December 2002).
3. People sometimes have a hard time believing I'm 28. I was asked what "grade" or "year" I was in school just last summer. Apparently I am aging well or I don't know how to carry myself as a grown woman.
4. I'm very bossy. I like things done my way on my terms. That makes it hard to get along with other people. Especially medical professionals. *snort*.
5. I didn't have many friends and was pretty much socially tortured in elementary school or junior high, except for a handful of wonderful girls who made it bearable. I'll always be grateful to them for accepting me for who I was back then. Its a long story.
6. I have many issues with FB and how much people share. Between my 25 year old brother and sister-in-law's mushy and inappropriate exchanges and my 14 year old cousin's oversharing, along with stupid pregnancy announcments and updates, I wish the whole thing could be shut down. But I like FB page stalking to see how people are doing without "friending" them. I'm terrible.
7. I've gone through this horrible IF journey so far with few family or friends to make me feel supported or that I'm not alone and I'm so happy now to be a part of such a special community where support is never too far away. Besides, I get more satisfaction in following other women's stories and letting them know I'm here for them too, because we're all together in this, one way or another.

And without further ado (where did that saying come from by the way?), I would like to introduce 15 blogs that I've recently found and really enjoy following (without repeating those who've already received this award):

1. Infertile Follies
2. Viva la Vida
3. Banking On It
4. The Mensing Baby Adventure
5. Zero to Baby
6. Fearlessly Infertile
7. Beckie's Infertility Journey
8. Park Slope Purgatory
9. Project Baby
10. hope4joy
11. Wishing for the Gift of Life
12. The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita
13. Baby Talk
14. Life and Love with the Bradleys
15. .:. Carpe Diem .:.

Thanks again!

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I'm not sure how many of you follow Jane at Infertile Follies or LisaB at The Pursuit of Pregnancy but they both had rough beta days yesterday. Please go show them some love because we've all had bad IF days and the support, at least to me, has helped a lot.

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Whatever's going on inside my ute has continued so far. Here's proof with this morning's test with yesterday's tests. Also the $tree tests have begun to show positives. Finally, stupid cheap asshats.

This mornings shot of test progressions. I clearly have a testing problem.

If they didn't keep changing color I might stop. I could stop if I wanted to.

You can't have an intervention if you can't find me. Neener.

My package of ICs came in the mail yesterday so I peed on lots of stuff last night,

the picture above being Exhibit A.

So when I test every 12 hours, its with three different tests now instead of just two.

I'm obsessed! Do you think there's rehab for this?

The PIO shots are getting better. The movement to the top of the Sharpie circles on my butt instead of the lower half is such a big improvement. So here's my tip ladies about to start PIOs: the higher up on the butt, the better. Apparently the fatty part of our asses doesn't like needles or oil.

Finally, I told DH I'd blog about this but I'd forgotten to do so till now. When I got my IV in and was waiting to go into the ER, he was standing next to my bed and holding my non-IV hand. He kept swinging it back and forth till it hit my boob. Then he did it again. I asked him if he was really trying to cop a feel before one of the biggest days of our lives, and he said, "um, yeah?". I wasn't surprised. At least it distracted me from all the blood on my IV hand and the nervousness of the occasion.

He's not handling the "pelvic rest" rule right now. I'm not feeling sexy or intimate at all these days and the more I turn down his advances, the more he keeps doing sweet things to take care of me and our house. I feel like the worst wife ever! I'm getting there. The heparin injections are taking their toll on my belly though. I'm running out of room for needle spots and I'm supposed to "pinch an inch" before injecting and all I'm pinching is bruises! Its all worth it now though. I'm freakin' pregnant.

For now, at least. I'll probably if I'll ask to push up my beta till next Monday (11dp3dt or 14dpo) for a Tuesday draw, followed by the already scheduled Thursday draw. I don't know if I can keep peeing on sticks and not know what my betas are!

7dp3dt - Want The BFP Scoop?

2011-01-27T09:57:00.002-06:00

It is my rule to take a picture with a positive digital, so I did last night. As part of that rule I post it on my blog. I can't tell what kind of face I'm making but I remember still being in a bit of shock.

I mean, come on, right? What the whaaaat?

6 days past a 3 day transfer and I'm getting positive digis?

Here's how this played out:

I started testing with FRERs at 4dp3dt. I wanted that trigger to be gone. GONE gone. Well that was at 9 days past the trigger and I saw such a faint line (see: turning 90 degrees at a time and tilting under bright lights) on that FRER on Monday that I figured it was still the trigger and hoped that by Tuesday (5dp3dt) the test would be completely negative. So I was using Dollar Tree tests and FRERs about every 12 hours since Monday night. And I want to say that Dollar Tree tests blow. I quit using those things. Sure I was seeing something, but if I'm getting positives on FRERs and Digitals, the dang cheapos should be pretty clearly postitive, right? Man!

Anyhow, Tuesday morning I tested in the AM (5dp3dt) with a Dollar Tree and it looked faint or negative so I quit caring and moved on with my day, totally bummed, convinced that this whole thing had failed.

THEN: I tested after work with a Dollar Tree test Tuesday night (5dp3dt). Now I would be posting pictures of all of these but my freakin' phone cam sucks so much that they're all blurry. Besides, I barely saw the second line that night myself. Also, and here's the kicker: I took a digital EPT that night and it said, "Not Pregnant". I was disappointed but not surprised. I mean, come on. BUT: that meant the trigger was definitely gone.

I was really confused because I was seeing a second line the evening of 5dp3dt. That's waaaay too soon, right? But I showed DH and he said he saw it, barely, and we both got a little excited. That was my major attitude adjustment that I'd mentioned in my Wednesday morning post.

I tested yesterday morning, the dawn of 6dp3dt. It was positive. There was no mistaken that light pink line. I woke DH up before his alarm and told him....I couldn't believe it! This was really happening! But I didn't want to blog about it because I was worried that I'd get a comment that it was too early and my happy bubble would burst. I just wanted to enjoy the day while I could, just in case it popped when I got home.

We went to the drug store last night to refill my Folgard 2.2 and I decided to pick up another box of FRERs (3 tests inside, not 2!) and a box of Answer tests, just for fun (2 in that box) and we went home, oblivious as to what was about to happen. I went upstairs and used a dollar tree test and an FRER. The DT was sucky. Waste of a dollar. The FRER? Best yet. That second line was much more pink than that morning's test.

Then I said, "Fuck it.", and went and grabbed the last digital I had of the two I'd been saving since the last pregnancy shit-storm from Spring 2010. It was a Clearblue Easy digital and those suckers are hard to get a BFP with, trust me.

I set it down with the hourglass flashing, taking pictures of the positive FRER (again, at 6dp3dt! What is going on?!?!?), when I saw it.

PREGNANT.

My hand flew to my mouth and I started crying. I couldn't believe it, but it had to be true. So I grabbed the FRER and the CBE and put them in my robe pocket and went downstairs where DH was doing some dishes (he has been so flippin' sweet these days I hope I reward him handsomely when I'm feeling less like a fat pincushion) and I stuck the FRER in his face, nicely, and asked if he saw "it". He said it was much darker and he could see it. Then I got out the CBE and showed him and he smiled and said something about it being great and I started crying again and asked for a hug. I didn't care if his hands were wet, we hugged and I cried and I told him that I was so happy. He laughed at me for crying but he knew I was emotional and hormonal. I also reminded him I felt so much pressure because all the money we spent was his retirement money, that this was our one shot for a long time. (By the way, for the rest of the night I clutched that CBE and kept checking it because I thought it would suddenly say NOT PREGNANT. Tell me nobody's thought this, please. I can't be that nuts.)

Then I went and took some more pictures and then, as you know, I blogged because I had to let you all know. But I want to say this: I have seen so many BFPs on blogs over the past 3 years that have been slaps in my face. It wasn't anything that the ladies said or did, but a reminder to me that I didn't have it. This is not an obligatory apology to anyone, but I have been on the other end of failure for so long that for one moment last night, it was amazing to be able to share some good news for once. Who knows how this will turn out?

It's my fifth pregnancy. I'm trying not to be superstitious or worrisome about it. I feel confident - for now - because of the following:

This is the earliest BFP I've ever gotten. By a long shot.

Dr. Simckes has me on Prednisone (to "fix" the probable NK cells that might have been killing other babies).

Dr. Simckes has me on Heparin (to "fix" the probable clotting disorder that I might have).

Dr. Simckes has me on PIO (to make sure that I get plenty of Progesterone in case I ever had an issue with that).

I'm on Folgard and Rx-strength prenatals.

I had fluid in my uterus 11 days before the transfer and he cleared it out.

I had a tiny dot of fluid again on retrieval day but they said the PIO would make it go away.

After being dumb and googling all the fluid info I could get, it was still gone by transfer day.

My lining was over 14 mm at ET and there was zero fluid.

Dr. Simckes would NEVER have proceeded if he thought the cycle would be threatened or a complete bust.

The embryo(s) are clearly in there now and putting off some serious HCG.

I don't feel like this will be a chemical because I've had one of those and it was the opposite of this.

I doubt this is ectopic.

Finally, we can only hope that we get a take-home baby (or two!) from this pregnancy because we now know how crappy my eggs are.

BUT.

I feel confident today, and I hope the betas are reflective of my confidence.

In a freakin' week! I mean why not 11dp3dt?! Daaang! 14dp3dt sucks. But at least I can start obsessing over them later and enjoy the pregnancy now, for what it is.

I tested again this morning and the FRER is ever so slightly darker than last nights, but in 12 hours, its hard for it to increase that much. But comparing yesterday morning's test to this mornings test for DH was such a difference. Night and day how much darker that line is this morning. Freakin' nutz people. Its 7dp3dt and I'm pregnant.

*I got another blog award - this time from the lovely Bridget and I'm so sorry I haven't gotten a chance to acknowledge it yet, but I will for sure post about it later today or tomorrow! Also Bridget, your socks went out in the mail yesterday so I hope you get them today or tomorrow - good luck with your retrieval!

**It's going to be tough keeping this from my Mom. She asks me every day how I'm doing, but when she knows I'm pregnant she gets all clingy and excited and talks about it all the dang time with assvice that I don't want. So I'm going to blissfully pretend we don't know anything yet and keep her at arms length till we get our beta result next Thursday. One more week of a secret. Sigh....

I Don't Know What To Title This Entry

2011-01-26T18:22:00.000-06:00

And I really don't know what to say about this either....I'll spill more tomorrow but:

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I'm going to go keep crying happy tears, staring at these tests, and celebrate with my husband.

We got some bebez up in here y'all. Pshhh.

6dp3dt

2011-01-26T08:46:00.000-06:00

Not much to talk about today. I can say I have had an attitude adjustment and am quite positive about this cycle.

Last night's PIO shot was so much better. DH moved up the circles on my butt (drawn by Nurse Jackie after the retrieval) so the injections wouldn't hurt so much. No tears, no screaming, nothing. Just total relaxation and I took it like a grown-up.

The heparin shots are causing quite a bit of bruising and I'm wondering if my belly looks worse now or when I was stimming? Also the red biohazard bin is getting full and I've been using a mason jar with a lid for my Heparin needles so we need to get those emptied out.

Last night DH and I went out to dinner at a local fancy restaurant. I guess the economy is hitting them hard because when we went there for our anniversary dinner in 2009 our meal cost nearly $100. Last night we paid $35.00 and that included a 22% tip! We got a full appetizer, two entrees (Prime Rib and garlic potatoes) and a dessert. I only took a picture of the cake because the presentation was so pretty. My camera phone blows by the way:

Anyways, all is well here and I'm excited to say that I am mailing some socks to Bridget today who is having her retrieval tomorrow. I'm sure they'll arrive before her transfer, but thanks for the socks shout out! Really, I just went on ebay and looked for "cute socks" under $2.00 and found tons from China and Hong Kong for less than a dollar a pair with free shipping, and I ordered them a couple of months before starting IVF because it sometimes takes 2-5 weeks for the socks to arrive from international shippers. Just a tip for the future if anyone wants to check those out.

5dp3dt...Some News! And Then Less News...

2011-01-25T10:49:00.000-06:00

I got my first blog award today!

It is such a much-needed pick-me-up during this 2ww. So thank you to Lisa from The Pursuit of Pregnancy for this award! Even better news, she and I are in the 2ww together and she got her BFP this week after her second IVF - I'm so happy for her!

I will proudly put this on the side bar of my blog...which is getting kind of kitchy so I really need to tidy it up.

The rules for accepting this award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award. (Thanks again Lisa!)

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 other bloggers.

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

7 Things About Myself

1. I love zombie movies, can't get enough of them. However, other scary movies freak me the heck out.
2. I have a girl crush on Kristen Bell. Love me some Veronica Mars.
3. I wanted to be a sports reporter for ESPN until I got a reality check at my small-town private college.
4. My ten-year high school reunion is this year, if I get invited. The five-year reunion invite must've gotten lost in the mail back in '06. Jerks. Go class of 2001!
5. When I was a kid I'd dress up my cats (Smokey and Cappie) in my underwear and old baby clothes. Discuss amongst yourselves.
6. I've never ridden a horse without a stupid helmet. Dang insurance rules.
7. My glory years of high school athletics are over, but I was All-State, All-Conference and All-Area in varsity softball back in the "day". I was pretty much a bench-warmer in basketball though. If there was an All-anything for keeping it clean and warm for the starters, I would have done well.

15 of my favorite blogs!
(In no particular order, and I won't repeat any of my favorites I saw on Lisa's list because while I want to award you too, I want some other ladies to be honored as well, so I didn't forget about you!)

1. from IF to when
2. One Pink Line Short Of Sheer Bliss
3. LTF525
4. Hoping for our own Peanut
5. Maybe If You Just Relax
6. No Swimmers In The Tubes, No Bun In The Oven
7. A peek into our journey
8. semi-fertile
9. Life and Love in the Petri Dish
10. Making Me Mom
11. Crossing My Fingers But Not My Legs
12. Molto Maria
13. Infertile Follies
14. still a guest room...
15. Teresa's Pieces

I'm not one for speeches, but thanks. After blogging since '08, I feel more and more these days like I truly belong and it's been a long time thanks to this infertility/RPL crap.

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DH and I went to the grocery store last night. I purchased two boxes of FRERs with 3 (not 2!) tests in each box. I then went to the Dollar Tree and found the HPTs there, stacked up on a shelf under the display where they are usually hanging. I then used my arm and wrapped it around the stack and swept all of them in my basket. I no longer care that people are staring, I want my dang cheapo tests. But they do stare, you know, Especially when you sweep a dozen into your basket.

Then we went home, where I went upstairs and proceeded to pee on stuff. Okay, into a cup. But still, my cats are doing it, why can't I? So I used the dollar tree test. Inconclusive. Might be a faint line (still from the trigger). So I decided that the Dollar Tree would be the "test" and the FRER would be the "control" because as we all know, the FRERs are far more reliable early in the game than the Dollar Tree tests due to the indentation lines on the crappos.

I saw a faaiiiiiiint second line on the FRER. I had to turn it 90 degrees at a time and put it under all my lights, but it was there. I didn't bother showing DH. No point. So I figure the trigger is out today and I should be seeing a second line by the end of the week or the weekend if this worked. But since I bought six FRERs, I get one for each day (or evening since my results in the a.m. are notoriously worse than the p.m. piss-fests).

So there you have it. The neurotic, obsessive behavior wouldn't stay hidden. Is anybody shocked? I'm still staying positive though!

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Last night was PIO shot #9. It was the first one that drove me to an involuntary, "MOTHER FUCKER!!!" scream and then impulsive sobbing. With hiccups. Because it felt like DH found a dagger, kept it in a roaring fire for a few hours, and then jabbed it in my ass. It hurt sooo bad.

*please don't be scared if you are going to be doing PIOs soon. My case may be unique.

DH felt incredibly bad and put the heating pad over the spot and then rubbed in a circle around it which helped a bit. I felt like I should've at least gotten a lollipop or a sticker or something. Instead I got to take my prenatals and other plethora of pills for the evening. Glutton for punishment I am.

Here is our PIO routine. Am I doing something wrong? Icing beforehand went out the window when that hurt like a mofo.

1. Turn on heating pad and cover potential injection site, keep that way for 2-3 minutes.
2. In the meantime, DH draws up PIO shot and then hands it to me to put under heating pad to warm up.
3. I lay on my side either on the couch or on our bed with pillows between my legs and begin to relax my whole body.
4. DH takes syringe from me and holds it in his hand to keep warm, makes sure it isn't too hot.
5. I begin to stall, whine and threaten to harm his precious Jaso.n Whit.ten (Dallas Cowboys) jersey if he hurts me.
6. DH bribes me to take the shot, says it'll be worth it.
7. I continue to whine and stick out my bottom lip, asking if he can promise it won't hurt. He can't.
8. I suck it up, count down from 10 while still relaxing my body as much as I can, especially my butt.
9. I tell DH to do it whenever he's ready.
10. He says, "Okay here we go, 3...2...1...and in".

He pulls back to check for blood (hasn't found any yet), pushes in the PIO slowly while counting down from 20, then once it's in he counts to 5 and then pulls it out. I always bleed and he's finally started using the gauze that came with the needles and alcohol wipes. I put the heating pad back on and hold it against my but, usually whining or crying like a little baby because I'm so sore from front to back from injections. After 5 minutes I feel better and get up and go to bed.

But I can't figure out why it hurts so dang much!

I guess my whining stems from the fact that I'm hesitant to behave since if this didn't work then I went through it all for nothing but if I do get knocked up then I'll take these with a smile. I know I can't have it both ways. I'm just a brat I suppose. A brat with a bruised front and backside with a short fuse when it comes to constant pain.

I want a bebe plz. I'll stay bruized for a bebe.

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Symptoms:

I threw up in my mouth yesterday. I also didn't like the smell of my bread from lunch.
The cramping has been pretty constant, I had a strong one on the way to work this morning.

I peed 3 times last night, about every 2 hours, but I was exhausted and slept much better. So who knows.

Progesterone symptoms are consistent too: sore titties.

Just keeping track, you never know, right?

4dp3dt

2011-01-24T11:14:00.000-06:00

I'm at work. Not really working which is so stupid of me. I should be throwing myself into work because I've basically been gone for two weeks. Instead? Googling crap like 4dp3dt....assisted hatching...I've been trolling blogs of those who've been successful, stuff like that.

I avoided doing this so far in this 2WW because I was at home on the couch and just watched TV so I didn't do this crap. Stupid internet. I'll quit when I'm done with this blog post.

Symptoms today: mild cramping and it resonates into my groin area. Cramps typically go there when they're more painful and AF-related. Not sure what the cause is but I just want to document it. I'm tired and took a nap yesterday for about an hour, but I did not sleep last night at all. I was worried about coming back to work and my right butt cheek is beyond sore from PIO injections. The left side hardly hurts but I'm scared to only do them over there. I use a heating pad on it before and afterwards and that helps, but the right side is a lost cause, I swear.

I bled while doing my Heparin injection this morning - first bleed from that. The whole belly is so bruised I probably injected it into an existing bruise. Oh well.

I haven't POAS'ed yet, which is suprising for me. I didn't have any that weren't digital and I'm not wasting those on a trigger, and DH won't buy them for me so I'll have to make him stop at the drug store after work so I can stock up. I used an internet OPK this morning but it looked like a negative OPK so I don't know what to make of that.

As for obsessing, I'm doing quite well. At obsessing, that is. At least I'm not peeing on sticks like the crazy infertile that I am. I'll start doing that tonight. He he he.

Other symptoms: nipples are sore but that's from the PIO. Oh and I was pretty bitchy yesterday. I chalk it up to DH and I being around eachother practically all day every day for weeks with rare breaks. I guess I hit my tolerance wall yesterday. We're over it now, though I think he enjoyed giving me my shot last night.

I'll keep you all posted. Promise. Thanks again for all the positive thoughts and vibes!

3dp3dt - Call From The Clinic

2011-01-23T10:03:00.001-06:00

My phone sucks. None of my emails, my post or my comments went through. Grr.

Heparin shots are no walk in the park. Twice a day is a bit of a bitch. However, I have found Progesterone shots turn me into a 5 year old. I actually told DH last night he could do the shot if he could catch me. And I kind of hid. Some have been okay, some have been quite painful. I'm getting used to it as is DH. But he is so sweet and keeps saying he's sorry it hurts and that it'll be worth it.

Bed rest was nice, DH took good care of me. I just spent time looking at the picture of our embryos and staying positive. Yesterday my mom came over while DH went ice fishing with his folks, and we cleaned out our fridge and freezer, something that really needed to be done. I sat in our office chair eventually because I got some pinchy pain in my lower left side. I wasn't lifting or doing any straining, but I haven't been on my feet much so if I even felt tired or sore I sat down. Then I rolled around the kitchen. It was kind of funny.

Today is my last day relaxing before going back to work. DH is positive this has worked and has agreed that I should test out the trigger if it makes me happy. Looks like I need to stock up on HPTs.

As for symptoms - my boobs hurt but it's from the progesterone. I pee constantly but I'm keeping hydrated with G2 Gatorade so I don't know if that's it. But I peed 3-4 times last night. Nuts! I have had some cramping a little over the past couple days but nothing painful.

I'm so nervous for the next week to pass because right now I'm PUPO. I don't want to be proven otherwise.

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I got a call from the clinic this morning. I missed it so I suppose the voicemail the embryologist left was sufficient because it wasn't good news. The other two embryos did continue to progress after the Day 3 transfer, but they did not reach the standard for freezing. However, because they did continue to progress and since they were lesser embryos than the ones transferred, the embryologist believes the two inside me should be fine. But sadly, we have no frozen embryos. No safety net.

At least we get our $500 freezing fee back. :(

Playing Catch-Up

2011-01-20T19:41:00.001-06:00

I have so much to write about but since I've spent the last 2 1/2 hours catching up on all the blogs I follow and commenting, I'll keep it condensed as possible.

Monday's retrieval was pretty smooth, in my opinion. I wore my retrieval socks. Could they be more perfect?:

I took those pictures in the hotel bathroom before we left for the retrieval. I couldn't help myself...

I also took a couple final belly pics because, again, I'm a masochist and a narcissist.

Ugh. So hot. Nastaaay.

I couldn't eat anything so we skipped that and I waddled to the car and we went to the clinic. They brought me back and after weighing me (+2 lbs), I got my id bracelet and then ran my right hand under warm/hot water for a few minutes to bring up the veins so they could put in my IV on my hand. Then I got to my bed, stripped down to my socks, put on a gown and then waited. Nurse Jackie came in and put in the IV (I'm a baby by the way and squeezed the crap out of DH's hand).

Then they walked me into the procedure room with a sheet behind me and by the time they had me get myself onto the bed/table thing, I'd forgotten about my IV altogether. They put my legs up on the stirrups which was surprisingly comfy and I just laid there, waiting to get started. The anesthesiologist put in the Versed right away and I felt sooooo relaxed. There was some conversation that I don't remember, I saw the syringe of Propo.fol being attached to my IV and I asked if that was the Propo.fol. She said yes, and I don't remember anything after that until I heard, "Christa, we're all done. You can wake up now." I was super groggy and saw DH walking towards me.

I know I asked how many eggs and he said 20, so I cried happy tears. He held my hand and sat next to me while I woke up some more. I just asked him about that so I could figure out how it went. He said I'd ask him the same question, cry with a weird face, and then fall back asleep. Seconds later I'd do it all again. He thought it was funny.

After about a 1/2 hour they took out my IV, I got dressed very slowly because my abdomen felt huge and I had some decent cramping, and then I was wheeled out to go back to the hotel.

When we got to the room, I laid down and bascially got right onto my blog to update you all. DH packed up the Traverse and set up the back seat for me to lay down on blankets to be comfy. It was so sweet and helped a lot! I'd taken a Vicodin when we got to the hotel and between that and the heating pad, I made it home pretty unscathed.

All in all, it went easier than all my other surgeries including D&Cs. Painful? Yes. Tolerable? Absolutely.

I had minimal spotting, barely anything to write home about. The abdominal pain continued through the next 2 days but the heating pad and Gatorade helped. The staff told me (yesterday) to drink G2 or Powerade Free instead of the full stuff because the low calorie kind also has lower carbs and helps with the bloating. I've been drinking the low calorie stuff since it came out so no worries there.

I spent Tuesday freaking out about the fert report...called and was told there was fertilization and the transfer was moved up to 7:30 am on Thursday. I slowly and carefully swept and mopped my floors because the cats have been peeing everywhere. I was pissed but the house needed a once-over cleaning so it felt good to get that done.

Wednesday I stayed home and felt a lot better. I did dishes, swept again and basically got our main floor cleaned up as best I could. It was so needed. I got the fert call from Dr. S around 9am and it helped having chores to do to cope with the news that my eggs suck balls.

Last night we left around 6:20 pm and the roads were unexpectedly poor. We didn't get photographed in Hannibal again but we did slide through the intersection AGAIN but during a yellow light only. No flash this time. And I had such a cool pose ready too! We got to the hotel around 12:40 am since our Garmin decided to have us "arrive" about a mile short of the destination and we had to call for directions.

We did my shots, I took my pills, and went to bed around 1:40. Got up at 6am and decided the hotel was unacceptable. We'd stayed for free since I'd built up so many Hilton points, but it wasn't worth a second night. So DH packed up the car after taking 20 minutes to clean it off due to the foot of snow on it, and we left for the clinic. It took 40 minutes to get there when it should take 20. We also sat at a stoplight for SEVEN MINUTES. It wouldn't turn green but all the other lights kept changing as normal. I was panicking and was totally pissed. This wasn't the first intersection in the St. Louis area that's been a pain in the butt and not changed when it should.

We got to the clinic at 7:25 am this morning and was told they were running a little behind. So I sat, with a full bladder, for about 30 extra minutes. I already pee when I laugh (see: Lizzing) sometimes so I was so nervous I'd pee everywhere at some point. They brought me back and I stripped down to my socks and bra, I kept my necklace and rings on it like I did at the ER (I didn't mention that but I got to keep my necklace and rings on).

Do you like my socks? I took a picture afterwards in the car:

Chicks!

Eggs on Monday...chicks today!!!

Love 'em. So much.

Once I was neked-ish and had my gown on, the embryologist came in and gave us the report. Out of the four embryos we had yesterday, all were still growing. He gave me a picture of the two we were transferring today:

He said he'd done assisted hatching on them because it wouldn't hurt anything. I asked why we couldn't transfer three. He said because I'm 30. I said I'm 28. He said that his supervisor would freak out if he put three back into a 28 year old who had 2 remaining embryos still dividing. Fair enough. He said he felt really good about these two and that they're right where they should be for day 3. One at 8 cells, one at 9 cells.

He answered my questions about the eggs retrieved, what happened to them, etc. I felt much better. I will be asking for copies of all that paperwork for my records.

Then the nurse came back and said they were ready. I wrapped a sheet around myself and walked to the procedure room with DH behind me. I got up on that bed/table thing again and they propped up my legs on the comfy stirrups.

Now here's where it differed so much from the retrieval - I had to pee like a mother and I had a lot of abdominal pressure yet, so when they started pushing down with the external ultrasound wand, it didn't hurt but it was very hard to relax. Dr. S put in the speculum, which wasn't super comfortable. Then he started cleaning out the "interior" with saline and iodine. I think it was iodine. I don't like when my cervix is touched so that sucked. They kept telling me to relax, I kept trying.

Finally, it was time. The embryologist drew up our embryos into a catheter and the main catheter was set in the uterus where Dr. S wanted it. The embryologist came in and confirmed who I was and then had our babies in his hands. They agreed that the spot in the uterus was good and then they babies were put in the catheter. I saw the flash on the screen as they were each placed in my uterus. I had a couple tears slide down my cheeks and I had such a big smile. I was squeezing DH's hand and arm the whole time and right when they went to put in the embryos, I relaxed so much. I stayed relaxed because I would do anything for my babies and I knew this was the one time I had to suck it up and focus.

I laid there for a few minutes and then they had me walk (I shuffled) back to the bed and then I laid down for about 30 minutes. One of the nurses came in and we talked about what I should do over the next couple days and weeks, and what I should expect. She said if I get cramping and spotting in about a week, that it's a really good sign. She said with all the hormones I'm on, especially the progesterone and heparin, I will likely spot and I should stay calm.

The beta is on 2/3/11. And get this: our first ultrasound is included in the package! I had no idea!

I'm thinking that if we can get one done locally to ensure it's not ectopic and then go down for the heartbeat ultrasound in STL after that, it might work out better.

Just passing thoughts so I get them out. I know its premature but I'm a planner. Have you noticed?
We left the clinic and attempted to get here to our new hotel but the Missouri Bridge was shut down just as we were crossing it. We sat in standstill traffic for over an hour, and we were only a mile from the hotel. I put up my feet, leaned back, and just relaxed. I also took a picture or two of the traffic. It was ridiculous:

This was as condensed as I could keep it. I also wanted to get everything out while it was fresh in my mind.

I'm going to relax now and watch some Netflix on the laptop. I slept from 11am till 3:45 pm today I was so tired! We go home tomorrow and I'll definitely be relaxing in the car and continuing bed rest at home till Saturday mid-day. I figure 48 hours of rest is appropriate. I was told 24 but I'm an overachiever.

My Life Is Weird....I'm PUPO

2011-01-20T09:27:00.000-06:00

Two embryos are chillin' like villans in my uterus this morning, 8B and 8B+ (thats how they grade them, cells, excellence) less than 20% fragmentation and A's are rarely handed out I'm told.

We have two more in a dish yet and if they make it to day 5 they'll freeze them.
Those ones are 5C+ and 6C+.

I was so touched by all of your well wishes, success stories and prayers. You kept me hopeful and I am eternally grateful!

I will do a full post about the ER and ET, then get pictures on here. Including one of our embryos. DH is convinced the 9B+ is a boy by the way. He says you can see the penis.

By the way, STL got slammed with snow last night, well today too. We're sitting in some nice gridlock right now. There are news cameras everywhere...this is a dusting to us iowans. :)

No News Was Not Good News

2011-01-19T09:17:00.000-06:00

I'm too upset to post all the pictures from last week, from the retrieval, I'm just kind of numb and attempting not to cry. I bugged the clinic yesterday for a fert report but nobody had any answers other than, "Yes, some did fertilize." I just got off the phone with Dr. S.

We wanted answers from this IVF. But we wanted to eat our cake too. 20 eggs should have solved all our problems. Oodles of embies, tons to freeze, etc. Our dreams came true on Monday - or so we thought.

Only 7 mature eggs could be ICSI'd, the rest of the eggs were degenerating upon retrieval. Cracked eggs, he called them. "Inherent", he said.

I make shitty eggs.

DH has shitty sperm.

Apparently, it's a miracle that we even have four embryos right now sitting in a dish, growing as of this morning's check.

Dr. S said he's open to transferring three if that's all that's left tomorrow since freezing and thawing will likely kill the remining embryo, if there is even three. He said he figured with 20 eggs, we'd have at least 8 embryos to work with for tomorrow.

I used up my resources, DH's retirement fund, work time, money, practically abandoned my cats (and bird) for weeks, jabbed myself incessently....for this?

I know it's not over till we get to tomorrow. And if we transfer (though there was a spot of fluid in the uterus during the retrieval so if that's still there, then the transfer is cancelled and we likely kill any remaining embryos if we freeze them), then great. We wait till the beta. If its negative, then we start doing more hail mary IUIs until 2012.

I peed on an expired FRER after the call to cheer myself up by seeing 2 lines. Did it make me smile? No. It made things worse because I don't expect to see one of those in 10 days.

Fuck my life.

200th Post - Divide That By Ten And You Get

2011-01-17T09:43:00.000-06:00

.....20 eggs!!!!!

I'm back at the hotel, trying to rest before we leave at noon to go back home. All went well, according to the nurses.

I'm sore, with cramps like a period, pain about 5/10 and drymouth that won't quit, but I'm not complaining.

I thought for sure we'd get 15 eggs but I told my mom on the phone Saturday night that I thought we'd get 20 based on my history of growing eggs quickly at the end of stimming during IUI cycles.

When DH told me 20 I cried - for the first time in months I cried. He thought I was sad or something because my crazy drugged up state made me apparently lose my facial control or something but I was so happy and I still am!!!! Also I aparrently kept asking him the same questions over and over and he thought it was funny.

I'll post a thorough detailed account of the experience but for those of you who are having ERs soon - totally worth it, nothing to get freaked out about, and I'm a big pussy who hates pain and I feel like I did just fine. So I'll sit here and rest and think about all the babies we're making today!!!

Finally, the fert report call will come tomorrow morning. Before we left I asked about DH's post-wash count and it wasn't available but the embryologist said DH and I could go and that he had enough to ICSI.

I'm so happy - thanks to all of you for the support and good wishes....clearly they worked!!!!

We Have Triggered, People

2011-01-15T20:25:00.000-06:00

At 8:00:03 PM this evening (Central Standard Time), I injected myself with Ovidrel. Thus, we are in the final stretch of the IVF cycle. Next stop? 8:00 am retrieval on Monday the 17th. Less than 36 hours remain until we make some bebez. I did my last Follistim and Repronex this evening too and boy am I glad to be done with those. I don't want to scare anyone who's about to start stimming, but I'm just exhausted and my belly is not thrilled with me. It's swollen/bloated, bruised and overall I feel a whole lot of pressure between my hoochie coo and my boobies.

But with 15+ follicles growing I'm not surprised. We are so excited and I don't know if Ovidrel (HCG) causes happiness but I feel so optimistic and happy today.

Also I don't think I'll have the discipline to not test out the trigger....and subsequently start testing for a bfp.

Besides, I want to see those two lines just so I remember what it looks like. This is all so exciting!!!!!
Oh, and we're discussing transferring three embryos if we can. Just for the update.

I'll post tomorrow if I get a chance - the first non-shot day since Christmas morning, so I'll be a happy camper - but if I don't I'll let you all know about how the retrieval goes on Monday when I get a chance.

Today:

We did a lot of shopping, went on the Budweiser tour and ate at the Old Spaghetti Factory. I will post pictures ASAP too, I'm just trying to post now and make as many comments on other blogs as I can.

Thanks for the support ladies and I'm thinking of all of you and hoping your weekend is going great!

From FUBAR To Textbook

2011-01-14T17:39:00.000-06:00

In STL. All is great!

It appears that Monday's fluid and low E2 problems have been straightened out!

Todays lining: 12.
Follicles: 15 or so with sizes between 10mm and 18mm.

Yesterday's Estradiol was 604.0 pg/ml with Progesterone at 0.6. They expect the Estradiol to be well over 1000 pg/ml by tomorrow morning but it is probably that high today. I have been getting my blood draws the day before so I'm always a little behind but really I'm on track.

So I'm triggering tomorrow night but we're waiting for the phone call from the clinic to tell me what time EXACTLY to do it.

We went over the procedure, what to expect, what to wear, when to stop eating, etc. We are so excited! Dr. S was really happy with my lining - he was singing while doing the ultrasound so that was funny.

We're just so happy for such a turnaround from Monday. I'm so bloated, but it's nothing I can't handle. I'm nervous for Monday's return home because a five hour car ride will be brutal but it'll be worth it to get into my own bed and have DH take care of me a little bit.

So we're going to enjoy some touristy things here in St. Louis and I'll be continuing my stimming with tomorrow being my last Lupron shot and my last Follistim and Repronex shots are tomorrow night too! I can't wait to have an injection-free Sunday!

Good luck to those having retrievals, getting transfers, injecting themselves or starting the stimming process this weekend. I wish for all of us to get through this well and get BFPs!!!!!

Stimming Day 8 + More Pics For You

2011-01-13T09:37:00.002-06:00

As of right now, I've been stimming for exactly 7 1/2 days. Once my needle session is done this evening, I will have stimmed for 8 days. Wow. It's been quite a ride so far. I was thinking yesterday, while reading some other ladies' blogs where they're just starting their cycles, how much I wish I could go back to that point but knowing what I know now. I never heard of fluid in the uterine cavity during IVF. I never thought of ordering more Follistim and Repronex in case my dosages were doubled. And strangely, this whole IVF excitement has reminded me of the build-up to my wedding day and the honeymoon. This is really weird, but I feel like we're doing that now, but in reverse. We're in the "honeymoon" of the IVF cycle and then the "wedding" is next week when we do the transfer. Is that strange? It's something we've looked forward to and planned for so long and it's finally here! But we spent our honeymoon in Jamaica and I wish that's where we were during all of this. The drive back and forth from home and St. Louis is starting to get to us a little.

But, if you think of this as an IVF Rollercoaster, then here's a good one for you: you know how when you go on an amusement park ride and they take your picture when you're going over the big drop and when you're done with the ride, you can buy that picture of you looking like a fool? Well we're getting that exact same picture. When going through Hannibal on Tuesday night, the roads had been pretty slick but we'd had a nice section for a mile or two so DH was going about 55 mph in a 55 mph zone. Suddenly the speed limit dropped down to 45 so he took his foot off the gas to slow down and by the time he'd done that it was then 35 mph with a yellow light up ahead. On normal roads you can press the brake and slow down. Well we hit a sheet of ice covering the roadway and had to just let it slide to avoid losing control.

Through a red light intersection.

With a police camera.

Smile!!!!

When it flashed (which blinded us by the way so how safe is that?!), DH was itching his nipple (he told me this afterward) and I was making a weird face (I'm sure) and my hands were up in the air like, "what were we supposed to do, yo????" The yellow light was like 2 seconds long and there was no way we could have stopped with that icy road. So we'll try to fight it when it shows up in the mail.

We get to a gas station up the road and go in and after going to the bathroom, I asked a worker there (and remember I was hopped up on fertility drugs and beyond tired) about "the flashy thing in Hannibal". She goes, "It's called a camera." in a really bitchy tone. Oh whatever. I laughed and asked if it worked. She said she didn't know (didn't seem to care either) so I quit worrying about it and DH and I laughed. I said we should frame it when we get it with a cool roller coaster frame.

Good times.

But let me back up a little. The evening started with us driving about 40 minutes and we stopped at a McDonalds so I could go do my 7:00 pm shoot-up and get some dinner (I know it's not super-healthy, don't judge....) and DH went and got gas and a giant diet Mountain Dew (I can't get him to stop drinking that crap so whatever).

Here is how it went at McDonalds which thankfully had a single bathroom for me to work with:

Step One - after walking into McDs with a big cooler,
go into the bathroom and take an obnoxious picture.

Step Two - wipe off entire counter space with alcohol wipes
because you know it can't be sanitary there, then take
another obnoxious picture of yourself while stalling
because you know your belly can't take much more of this shit.

Step Three - Get out your meds and begin getting the needles ready, mix
your meds and prepare for some pain and bleeding; then take another
picture of all your stuff on the McDonalds bathroom counter because
honestly, when will this really happen again? Also tell the knocker at the
door that the room is "Occupado!" and then giggle to yourself.

Step Four - Inject yourself with the contraband and then
remember that you wanted to show the internetz your med
cooler from the inside because you keep your stash cold
with two frozen water bottles in a ziplock bag and you
like to think of yourself as a little miss MacGuyver.

Step Five - Finally, take a picture of your swollen, bruised and
bleeding belly because you are both a masochist and a narcissist.

Are you thorougly grossed out yet? Sorry for the TMI.

For your viewing pleasure, monitoring appointment pictures:

Kitty socks!!!!

I feel like my ankles look swollen but they're not.

It was a weird angle with the cell phone camera.

DH said those were lucky socks so I should wear them to every appointment now. But I bought fun socks for each one including amazing socks for the retrieval and then another pair especially for the transfer! I dunno. I think I'll bring them with me now. You shouldn't be surprised that two former high school and college athletes are being superstitious...

Here's us waiting...DH looks tired.

It's a good picture though as we don't typically photograph well.

Okay I don't think I photograph well.

You know that book, "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie"?

How about this - If You Give An Infertile A Camera.....

...She Will Take Pictures Of Ultrasound Wands....or something like that.

I'm sure the publisher and editor of that book make some changes...

Also DH couldn't believe I took a picture of this. So I went even further:

My clothes. On the floor. With my undies tucked into the shorts inside my

jammie pants. I never let my panties out for people to see as they are my

discreet lady delicates. Well....they're Hanes comfort fit granny panties or whatever

that I boughtat Walmart like six years ago. But still. I like to keep the mystery alive....

So that's it for pictures. We had fun talking to a different nurse who went over everything with us as we go forward. She clarified for DH that he can "relieve himself" tonight and tomorrow and then he must abstain until the retrieval. We all had a laugh at the "relieve himself" comment. And then he said he's afraid he'll be falling asleep while relieving himself at Monday's retrieval because it'll likely be 4am. Then the nurse laughed and said she got a visual of a guy doing that while falling asleep - but that DH just needs to get "it" in the cup. She was funny.

Otherwise, I've been completely doubled on meds now as I used to be on 200 IU Follistim a day and now I'm at 400 IU a day and while I was on 75 IU Repronex per day, now I'm at 150. I should have enough Repronex to last me but I ordered an extra box just in case. I have to go have my blood drawn (Estradiol and Progesterone) at noon because I sat and waited so long this morning before work at the lab and they never called my name - so instead of the both of us being super-late for work, I decided to go back at lunch to get it done. Bummer but the results should be in by 4pm today. Hopefully.

Long post, sorry, but I wanted to get those pictures uploaded. Not just for you lovely and so supportive ladies, but for myself to look back at someday. I'm glad I have this blog to do that because I was always terrible with diaries and cameras. Oh, and for symptoms, my belly hurts, inside and out. I'm super-bloated and the Doxycycline is making me pretty nauseous when I don't eat food with it. So lesson learned. Otherwise, no real headaches or anything like that. I wish Follistim was a sleep-aid on a regular basis because that stuff has given me the best sleep for the past week!

In closing...DH, his parents and I are going to STL tomorrow morning for the final monitoring appointment and then we'll be spending some fun time doing the tourist stuff (beer tour, seeing the Arch, and shopping!) until Sunday. His parents are fun to travel with and they've been the only real IRL people being so supportive of us through all of this and they will help with the driving. So yay! We'll be down there from Friday to Monday and we're planning on being home around Monday evening. The retrieval will be around 4:30 am so I'll go back to the hotel afterwards and rest till about noon and barring any severe pain or whatever, we'll drive back that day. I should be fine - I have some Vicodin left over from my last laparoscopy. Strangely though, I didn't have any Valium prescribed for the ER. I'm told I'll be given Propofol and Versed. Well that knocked me out at all my other procedures so I should be asleep. Hopefully......

I Might Be On TV

2011-01-12T12:22:00.001-06:00

In 9 months or so... but first, an update:

Eggsellent appointment! Get it? Eggs... I'm terrible.

Rt ovary: 10, 10, 10, 11, 12, 12, 10, 11, 10
Lt ovary: 10, 11, 10, 10

Plus about five to six follicles under 10mm. Dr. S said we might get around 15 eggs! We'll see though. Even better news is, he was giving high fives for my 9.5 lining and NO fluid!

So as of now we're still on track for a Saturday trigger and Monday retrieval.

As for the TV thing, Dr. S said that he pushed doctors to test patients for AMH levels during the workups and he got some backlashfor it but I'm apparently a prime example of the AMH level being a predictor of the female's response to stimming, follicle production and growth in IVF. My 1.7 AMH predicted a slow response...which was correct. My Follistim is hoped to 200 IU in both morning and evening doses with the Repronex now doubled at 150 IU at night. That should do the job. I figure my Estradiol will be over 1,000 pg/ml tomorrow. So if I get pregnant after all the med increases, etc., Dr. S said he'd have me go on tv with him to show how AMH testing can predict IVF response.

What I'm wondering is, should I dress like professional poker players do, but instead of Full Tilt hats and shirts, I'll have a BlogHer shirt, some IF pins, RPL ribbons, Clearblue hpt logos, Google hat...you know, represent the infertiles?

I'll post more pics later with more info on how to shoot up fertility Meds in a McDonald's bathroom.

On the road again...

Stimming Continues....Just Treading Water ***E2 Update

2011-01-11T10:01:00.001-06:00

I've had the last 20+ hours to keep my attitude in check and push myself to be optimistic. It's not over yet.

I trolled all things Dr. Google and IVF boards regarding E2 levels after about 3 1/2 days of stimming and honestly, I think mine was pretty darn okay. I started at 5.0 pg/ml and in three 1/2 days it was 11x what I started with and the internetz say that it should be either 100+ pg/ml or 2x the day 3 level. Well I think I'm an overachiever then, so there.

After the lovely draining (where Dr. S "opened me up" with a metal speculum - fun - and then used a big syringe and a tube like a tomkat and went into the uterus and sucked out the fluid in there, then used water and flushed it out while guiding it all with Wandy. Let me tell you, I've been through much worse.) yesterday, I had some decent spotting that was all kinds of colors and did a doozy on my delicates. Dammit. So by today it's basically gone and I have to shove TP up there to find anything. So because I'm a rebel I'm afraid to scold my uterus to behave and produce a better lining because I'm sure it'll rebel too and then we're going to hell in a handbasket pretty damn fast.

I had my Estradiol drawn about an hour ago and figured out why Sunday's results weren't faxed - my lovely infertility department here put in the order with the fax number having eight digits. If you're paying attention, a fax number should only have SEVEN DIGITS. God-forbid the lab calls the IF department yesterday morning to clarify so the results sat. They're calling this morning to get the right fax number and will fax them before noon. Nuh uh, I don't buy it. I'll be calling Dr. B's office to get my results so I can call Nurse Jackie and she'll have them before the end of the day TODAY. I'm dealing with MORONS here people! (That last line was in the voice if Gilbert Gottfried, just for clarification).

So here are my goals for the next 24 hours:

1. Get my estradiol results and have them be over 100. I'm hoping more like 200 because it's been 48 hours since my last test and they should be steadily increasing with the Follistim bump-up.

2. Make it to St. Louis tonight without any incidents with the car vs. weather battle we're in for. We were planning on leaving super-early tomorrow morning for the 10am appointment but with this storm, we're thinking of driving there after work, getting in late but having plenty of sleep for the drive home tomorrow instead of being exhausted and likely cranky.

3. Have the ultrasound be a successful one with more than 12 follicles and a great lining with no fluid issues.

Three simple goals, right? Guess how much I can control? Not a damn thing. Well, unless I'm driving tonight then all I can do is my best. :)

Here are those pictures I promised:

Here are the socks I wore for my monitoring appt - they make a smily face when you put them together. I'm wearing a different pair for each appointment so I'll take pictures and post them. They're all brand-new socks I got on ebay (from China or something) for like a dollar each so I'm hoping they're somewhat of a good-luck charm! The socks for the retrival and transfer are adorable - I can't wait to show you!

Here's a picture I took while DH and I were waiting for the ultrasound:

And a picture of a wall hangy sign that we both loved because we're crazy cat people:

How about some freakin' awesome candles for a buck? Sold:

I found my dream baking dish for the lasagna

I love to make but mine always spills out and over the dish I have.

That will happen no more. Bam.

Also, we have black and white checkered flooring in the kitchen.

Um, how do I not buy this for ten dollars?

We bought two of these little thingies, one for us and one for DH's parents.

Each of my cats HAD to inspect this item. So I will show you pictures of them doing so:

Bella

Please ignore the bad nail polish - I'll take it off tonight, I promise.

I've apparently been too busy to spend 2 minutes scrubbing it off.

Jack

Milo - he kept nose-bumping it so by the time I took the picture he was
turning around for another go at it.

And this is a deviled egg platter (something I've wanted since college)

made of all recycled materials.

Five bucks. Also sold:

We bought this sign for DH's parents, to give to them someday.

They're so helpful and supportive so I know it sounds awful that

we didn't get one for my parents, but that's a long story.

And my mother drives me nuts.

How cute is the "tire swing"? It's on a piece of rope. Bella tried to chew on it.
You can see her front paws at the top of the picture.
It was a difficult photo shoot because they all wanted to be models.

These are melty wax thingies I put in my melter (I try not to
use candles because the cats like flames. Idiots)

The Pineapple Upside Down Biscuits one smells amazing!
I'm saving the Summer Rain for a day when I clean the house,
because it reminds me of a summer rain. No lie.

And finally, for your viewing pleasure, Bella and Milo playing a game called,

"I'm Not Touching You...Rawr!"

Hi.

I'm not touching you...

Rawr!!!

Thanks again for all your support too, it helped me to take some deep breaths, remember that its still early. And that while I'm trying to control everything, I cant.

************************************************************************

I called the local office to get my result and make sure it was faxed to FP in St. Louis today. Yes and yes. And so that I can sleep tonight, I asked what the Estradiol level was from this morning. The result?

204.0 pg/ml!!!!!

I wish there was a calculator for this like a beta calculator because I'm ecstatic! From 58.0 pg/ml to 204.0 pg/ml in 48 hours!?!? That has to be great, right? I figure I'll be stimming longer than 9 days but oh well. I called to get my Follistim refilled and I'm waiting to hear back from Schrafts/Walgreens because they have to call my insurance company for an override and, in even better news, they can't ship from NJ because of the "massive storm" heading their way so they'll try to ship from Texas so I get the meds before Thursday night. Why? Because I'll run out by Thursday morning. Gotta love cutting it close.

Okay...onto the ultrasound tomorrow morning. I'm crossing my fingers extra tight for no fluid and plenty of follicles!!!!!

Stupid phone

2011-01-10T11:45:00.000-06:00

It won't let me post my pictures from my phone. I'll do it later.

Also the shopping was great - I should post pictures of that stuff. I just told DH I want to do that when we get home.

I'm just so shocked and upset. And I gave myself 25 IU more Follistim in the bathroom in the medical building. Some lady came in. The whole thing was horribly awkward. Gotta love the cooler of fertility Meds.

What Else Should I Expect?

2011-01-10T11:37:00.000-06:00

Fuck fuck fuck.

Good news first: 10-12 measurable follicles. We are not cancelled. Yet.

Bad news:
The following things were said by the doctor...
"Fluid in the uterus...possible frozen cycle...might cancel you...need to drain it...you're behind...not what we were expecting to see at this point."
So I got drained and flushed out right then and there. It was basically 3 IUIs in 10 minutes. I squeezed DHs hand so hard. The fluid (gross by the way) explains why I've been suddenly spotting since starting stims. Fuck.

E2 level yesterday, 4 days into stims was 58.0 pg/ml. My local piece of shit lab never faxed it to STL of course, so I had to call my doctor's office back home to get the crappy result.

I have to up the Follistim to 150 IU in the a.m. and 150 IU in the pm with my 75 IU Repronex.

If my lining doesn't look awesome, Dr. S won't allow a fresh transfer. Fair enough. But I'm 28! I should be an all-star at this shit!

I took a couple pictures before the shit hit the fan:

Stimming Day 3-4, In STL For First Follie Check

2011-01-09T21:03:00.000-06:00

Started Repronex yesterday. I hate that bitch. Add in Lupron and Follistim (2x/day) and my "belly" is looking like a minefield. Oh well, I'm surviving.

Whatever it takes, whatever it takes.... ommmmmm.

So we're in our hotel room in STL watching television after a lackluster dinner and AWESOME shopping at TJ Maxx and Gordmann's! I got two huge framed photos for my office at work, only $18/each. That was my budget goal so I'm pretty darn thrilled.

I can tell the meds are working so I'm super-pumped for tomorrow's ultrasound and E2 results. I told DH today that my personal goals are to retrieve 20 follicles and have at least 10 to work with on transfer day with about 6 to freeze. That's all arbitrary because I know we can't control all that and every IVF-er would like those numbers.

I just want to be pregnant. I'll let you all know how tomorrow's appointment goes. Fingers crossed!

Stimming Day 2 - Still Truckin' Along

2011-01-07T09:08:00.000-06:00

So I've noticed a side effect of the Follistim.

I feel like I've been doing abdominal crunches. However, I have not done a crunch in a few years and I'm pretty sure my "abs" are hidden under some "padding". I am happy that I am feeling something while stimming so far. I'm sure I'm in for some more fun but at least I know the meds are properly being administered because my body is responding somehow...

DH and I have booked our hotel room for Sunday night and are excited for Monday's appointment - I got the addresses for TJ Maxx and Gordmann's (to plug into the Garmin) so we can shop when we get there. I haven't been to at TJ Maxx since I was a kid and I've always wanted to go to Gordmann's. Besides, we've been to Marshall's enough times that I figure he'll want to look for that elusive pair of sweats he's been searching for as if they're the freaking holy grail. He is picky about sweats, people. They must be comfortable. They must be long. And they must be inexpensive. Now I love a shopping challenge, but he's on his own for this one. It'll also keep him occupied while I'm looking at other stuff.

Who needs professional therapy? I have retail therapy - with a very small budget, mind you - and retail therapy is much more affordable.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, some random pictures that make me smile:

This was Bella last week.
I wanted to use my new crock pot but she had other ideas.

I think I want this ski mask.
At the same time, I think I'll freak a lot of people out while shoveling snow.
I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Bridesmaid dresses FAIL.

Speaking of bridesmaid dresses, my step-sister's wedding is Easter weekend this year. First of all, some of the Catholics in my family (and my in-laws) are appalled she would pick this weekend for her wedding and keep saying that "the church won't marry them, you know." Yeah. She and her fiance aren't Catholic, so that works out for them I guess. But that's the weekend DH's parents and sister/her husband, DH and I drive to Indiana to visit DH's brothers and kids. So that sucks and his parents aren't too happy about that. Sorry.

But I have to pay the remainder of the bill for my bridesmaids dress tomorrow. I don't like the dress. It's strapless, black, and knee-length. Oh well. I know some of my bridesmaids (consisting of my 3 step-sisters, DH's sister and my BFF) didn't like the dress I picked out for them so fair's fair. I just PRAY I'm 4+ months pregnant at that point and can wear that thing with a cute baby bump. Otherwise I'll just look fat - at least I ordered it one size bigger than I was in August. So here is a tribute to ugly bridesmaid dresses! I'll keep it short. But I like funny pictures, don't you?

Wouldn't you want your face blurred out?

I'll bet these looked dyno-mite! under the disco ball.

The tanorexia girl makes the dress look better - or is it just me?

Sorry but you can't "make it work" with that. Any of that. Day-um!
(Also, I can't tell if they're chicks or dudes. Can you?)

Enjoy your Friday ladies and I wanna make a special shout-out to those cycling right now - IVF rocks, right?!?!?

Fist pump if you're with me!

Stimming Day 1 - Done!

2011-01-06T08:14:00.000-06:00

I have so many thoughts so to organize them I'll be using bullet points today

*The Follistim Pen works. When I push it to inject it clicks back to zero and while doing that it spins back like when I "loaded" it. That caused some extra pushing this morning which in turn resulted in bleeding. Oh well, I'll figure it out. I've been through worse. The Lupron is so easy. I don't even feel itching anymore.

*Shawna asked why the Repronex with the Follistim - I will clarify because I forgot you all can't read my mind. When I first got my med orders, Dr. S had me on Follistim followed by Menopur. I already had almost a dozen dosages of Repronex in my fridge that I'd purchased on my old coverage in September so I asked if I was able to use that instead and he said that's fine. It acts as the same "agent" as Menopur. I'm just super-familiar with the Repronex; plus I need to use it now because it expires at the end of February.

*I still can't believe we're at this point now. Stimming! Not only did I think this day would never arrive, I figured something would prevent it from happening. Now we just need to make it through the next five days to find out what the next blood test and ultrasound brings. I hope soooo much that my results are good and that we can continue as planned.

*Shawna, you also gave great advice as to booking hotels at a low rate. We are actually staying within the Hilton hotel brands (Hampton Inns, Doubletree, Homewood Suites) because with tons of business and leisure trips I have a lot of rewards points built up and we are saving them up for a vacation or free hotel stays. I have been getting super-nice hotel rooms for well under $80. Our last room at the Hampton Inn was $59 and was huge! Also, I'm pretty picky about beds and amenities and I've found the Hilton has had the best all-around options for us. But I agree, Priceline is the best way to go for a good room for a low price and your help means so much to me so thank you!

*DH and I have been getting along really well so far. We bickered this morning because he snoozed an extra 10 minutes and that threw off my injection routine for 7:00 am because he was still in the bathroom getting ready. So I snarled at him a bit and he threw it right back at me. Sooo mature. By the time we'd gotten into town for work things had pretty much calmed down and it was like we hadn't even argued.

*I'll keep you all posted as to what symptoms I have, etc. I'm kind of looking forward to being tired, as crazy as that sounds. It'll be easier for me to fall asleep at night since I was up till 11:30 pm last night. I have got to go to bed sooner! Sheesh.

*And finally, thank you all so very much for not only support but any information you've been able to share with me. I don't like to feel like I'm leaning on anyone for anything because I'd rather be your cheerleader, but when I was spazzing it felt so wonderful to know that I could count on you ladies to help me with my fears and questions. Thank you thank you thank you.

Ahhh. Calm post today. We're very "zen" here in the land of the stimming. Onto one more shot tonight, 75 IU of Follistim; I'm sure it'll go even better. It has to because I don't have enough band-aids for this!

Call From IVF Clinic re: Lab Results

2011-01-05T13:28:00.000-06:00

Oh mah gawd. I guess I hadn't had a good freak-out in awhile....

Dr. S says my results are fine and we're good to start stims tomorrow.

Thank you so much for the support and information - especially you Lisa B! You helped me calm down big time.

Here we go folks. Operation IVF is still on!

T-minus 17 hours till Follistim!

Also, for those wondering, I'll be adding Repronex to the Follistim for additional FSH/LH push for follicle growth. Its like the Menopur with Gonal-F.

So...for your viewing pleasure, how my morning went, in pictures:

Ahhhhh. Calming down. Deep breaths. It's out of your control. Trust the doctor. :)

Question about E2 Level on Day 3 (well, really day 4 but whatever)!!!!!

2011-01-05T11:14:00.000-06:00

So I confirmed with the lab that my Day 3/Day 4 Estradiol (E2) level was 5.0 pg/ml. Not 50.

Shit. That's below the recommended 25-75 pg/ml range for that day.

My last E2 taken on Day 3 was in October and that was 21 pg/ml. I was on BCPs for 5 weeks and overlapped 20 units of Lupron. I think I was oversuppressed. Sonofabitch.

I've called the clinic and bugged them to have SOMEBODY tell me whether I'm able to continue but all I can do is leave messages because Dr. S is in surgery and Nurse Jackie isn't in today. I'm freaking the shit out that I've been oversuppressed. And I'm now near tears. Here is where you see my personality really shine, when I possibly have bad news and no one can confirm or deny it and I get a massive case of the wiggins.

Will someone please tell me something? Is this bad? Is this okay? Will they cancel my cycle?

Help?