Its Been 5 Years. Wow.

If anyone's still out there, or catches this, I'm still here.


For what it's worth, I'm now 36 years old. I'm still a mom. Things, lets just say, have changed a bit.


2014 - Spent the year figuring out what to do about my imploded marriage, tried to save it near the end of the year after I kept being told how much he loved me and would never hurt me or the kids again.


2015 - Two days into the new year, I met his new mistress he'd been sleeping with for the past year as he set us up on some kind of sick playdate with our kids. Her 3 year old daughter gave them up and he walked out that night for good. I filed for divorce four days later. In those 4 days: my husband left us, I changed the locks, started a brand new job, got an attorney and quickly went after divorce and custody of the kids. It was hell, basically. I spent the year in a nasty divorce battle with a man who was never committed to recovery and started his new "family" unit with his mistress immediately. He never put our kids first and hasn't since. I was awarded primary custody but we share legal custody. He doesn't get additional visitation until he completes a therapy program (as of 2018 he's made no effort or progress; he recently married his mistress). I went through my own therapy and made a new friend whose wife left him in a similar fashion and we helped each other survive the year from hell. He and I became more than best friends and we ended up falling in love. But we dated away from our kids as we always put them first. To put it simply: he's incredible.


2016 - Divorces were finalized for both of us, our kids were introduced and we ended up moving in together in his small town just south of where I had lived. Everyone was happy. He had two daughters who were close in age to mine. His youngest was a month older than Grace and his oldest was a year older than Claire.


2017 - We relocated later in the year, I got a new job, we bought a house and we got engaged. All in all, it was a good year. (Save for high-conflict ex-spouses constantly creating as many issues as possible, but we were stronger than it all)


2018 - We got married in June (it was beautiful) and we decided we wanted to try for a baby. We figured it was a long shot with my history alone and my age. He, on the other hand, is super fertile from what we could tell, so we planned to try for a year and then hang it up. I'd gotten an IUD in 2015 (which I HATED by the way) so that came out in July, I got a prescription for Femara (Letrozole), took some Melatonin for improved egg quality, used OPK's to see what was up with me, tried and what do you know - I got pregnant. Still am, and due around the end of April 2019. What? I know. Crazy.


Like I said. Things have changed. :)


Claire is now 7 and in First Grade. She's whip smart and so much like me. Grace is 5 and is in Pre-K; she's the pistol I predicted she'd be from the day she was born. I got to keep the cats, yes they're still alive. We have a dog now too, a rescue pup. I also have two wonderful step-daughters, ages 5 and almost 8. All the girls are thrilled about the new baby and we find out what it is in a couple of weeks. So far, its looked healthy and I feel plenty of movement (I bought a new Doppler, of course).


I do miss blogging, and the community. Its been a long 5 years and seems so much longer. Thank you to everyone who supported me through my journey; I've never forgotten you and think of you often.

Happy Thanksgiving!

All is fine. I go back to work in a week and a half.  Maternity leave has flown by!

The husband and I still go to therapy. We are just surviving parenthood. He still sleeps downstairs. He's more like a roommate.

Grace is adorable. She is also attached to my boobs. She's bigger than Claire was and eats nonstop. I may have to supplement to keep up with her.

She's here!

Grace Irene was born Friday October 25, 2013 at 7:26 am weighing 8lbs 3 oz and was 20 inches long. Arrival via scheduled repeat C-section even though I had hoped for a vbac.

A screamer from the start, it appears we have a spitfire on our hands. Her position was such that a C-section was inevitable, face out, no engagement.

She's all about breastfeeding and really latches well at this point. But its marathon nursing till my milk comes in. I'm the human pacifier. Oh well. It's the first 24 hours.

Claire and Grace met. Claire was out of sorts but was sweet. More to follow... So tired.

39 weeks 4 days

Sorry to keep anyone hanging. I can't tell you how much your well wishes and prayers have meant to me...

The husband is still in the house but lives downstairs on the couch and out of the downstairs bathroom. He and I are in therapy twice a week and he goes to 2 SAA meetings a week. He has a sponsor and has no access to his cell phone or the laptop while at home. The cell phone bill came in and I scoured it and he's been on his best behavior since I discovered what he was doing.

We are working on him and I'm working on getting through how I feel about everything. I'm due in 3 days (10/23) with a C-section scheduled in 5 (10/25) if no naturally occurring VBAC. I am willing to let him be at the hospital during the birth and it'll be a game-time decision as to whether he witnesses the birth.

We are acting as parents and roommates but not really functioning as a married couple. I'm beyond hurt and just need more time. I've been more focused on Claire and preparing for the baby's arrival. I'm so thrilled that I finally get to meet her this week!

As for the pregnancy, all is "boring" and I can't complain. Swollen ankles, stretched out belly, sore hips and back, etc. She moves so much and it does hurt but I am pretty used to it.

Claire turned 2 yesterday. No party but she got to see all of her local family and go several fun places. She's amazing!

She knows her ABC's, counts to 20, knows shapes and colors and has a huge vocabulary. She is loving and hilarious. The potty training is progressing and we'll see if it sticks when the baby comes. She still gets a binky at bedtime and I'm hoping to wean her from that also after her sister arrives.

I'll be sure to post birth and baby info when it happens. ;)

Rock Bottom

Thank you to anyone who commented and is sending supportive thoughts my way. I really have no one but my parents to talk to right now and I do feel blessed to have any support.

We went to counseling on Tuesday evening. The counselor diagnosed DH as a sex addict. I've told him for years I suspected he had a problem but until he started admitting things in that painful hour session, I had no idea how bad off/sick he is.

I had to get him to take steps to rid the house of his porn collection, I canceled Cinemax and HBO. I took the laptop. I asked for his phone.

Wait, you ask, wtf is he doing in your house still? Why are you doing all the work and not him?

1. I'm pregnant and need help with the house.
2. We need another counseling session to work out living arrangements.
3. My kids.

See, right now, if he doesn't hit rock bottom, he won't fully commit to recovery like he says he has. Also, I refuse to allow him to continue the behavior in this house with my daughter here.

He didn't do any work because he has to be told to do everything. He has never been proactive. Also he's a sick bastard.

The future is bleak for him and my kids if he doesn't get help immediately. So my relationship with him right now is, in effect, over for now. But I'm focusing on getting help for him, for my kids' sake. If he steps out of line or slips, he's out of the house or I'll leave with Claire. That's the plan for now. I'm also separating our finances since I don't trust him and if we do split I have to be smart.

How am I? One half a wreck and he other half a momma bear protecting my cubs. The pregnancy is now wearing on me; swollen ankles, hard to walk as my hips are on fire, can't sleep, and the braxton hicks are constant it seems.

Did I mention that I got myself tested for STDs? That was both painful and humiliating but the responsible thing to to.

He says he never slept with anyone, just had a phone affair with sexting and constant texts and photos exchanged. Duh I saw that in the records.

I feel he's lying to keep me here because if he slept with anyone he knows I'll divorce him for sure.

He went to a sex addicts anonymous meeting last night and plans on going two days a week in addition to intensive therapy and marriage counseling. I guess we'll see.

This is not how I wanted to spend the last six or so weeks of pregnancy. The nursery isn't even done. Goddammit.

I'm so angry for me and my baby girls. We don't deserve any of this.

Thanks again for the support. Each comment felt like a hug, honestly.