10dpiui/11dpt

Okay. So I made it as far as today. For me that's pretty darn good. Got up at 9 (was wonderful to sleep in but I had some super-scary dreams. However in one part of the dream I was reading my blog but it was a post a week away. I must have time-traveled or my blog did. In the dream it said I was pregnant with 2 babies. The "future" post was over a week in the future. So when I woke up I knew I had to test. Even though it's early).

I had 2 CBE's come in the mail from Ebay a couple of days ago so I figured I'd test today and then tomorrow morning. If anything got worse, then it was the trigger. If it got better, then it would be legit.

For the first time, I have some pics for you:

(Ignore the date/time stamp. I'm trying to figure out how to change that. Pics taken around 9:30 am. lol....)



Let me explain. The CBE has a faint bfp. Even DH sees it. On camera it's pretty darn hard to see. But we see it so I suppose that's all that matters. The only other time I got any kind of bfp on a CBE on 10dpiui/11dpt was last November when I had the ectopic. And that beta was a 10 on 13dpiui. Anyways, I then took one of my 3 remaining digitals. If it was "Not Pregnant", then any "Pregnant" results in the coming days would not be trigger-related. I will take one tomorrow if the CBE is positive again.

NO DOLLAR TREE TESTS! Grrr. Once I get a good beta, THEN I'll get some DT tests and start watching them get darker. Until then, screw them and their imprint lines. Giving false hope...

I have some FRERs coming in the mail soon...hmmm let me check on that now...hold on.
Okay it was in NJ on Thursday. So I'd think it'd be here by today or Monday. Anyways, I'll probably be an obsessive POAS-er now and when DH and I go into town today to get NEW MOON!!!!! Whoohooooooo....at Walmart, I'll hop over to the HPTs and get some secretly. Lol. Just to mix it up. Then I'll probably take a test that has the non plus-sign just to be sure this isn't a joke.

Here's where my now semi-optimistic attitude has come from: I get REALLY PMS-y by about 5-6dpiui. It continuously gets worse till AF shows. I've been in a super fantastic mood since getting back from the RESOLVE conference. This was my first week back at work. I was exhausted all week but I didn't snap at dh like I normally do. I know I'm a terrible wife. But I think that b/c of my happiness over the past week or so, things have been great! Also, DH has said since Tuesday that he is sure it worked b/c I've been in such a good mood. Yeah he tracks my bitch.iness. Lol....

So.....I'll let you all know what transpires.

But as of today, I'm happy.

New Job update

First day went great, so did today. I love the ladies I work with and everyone is so nice. I have my own office. With a door. That I can shut. There are windows everywhere. I have worked in a frigging BASEMENT in a CUBICLE for 4 years. This is quite the step up. I'm the only person in both my family and my husband's family who has an office with a door. Neener. At least I've got something going for me.

Today is my 1/2 birthday. Go me. I had taco bell for lunch. Woo.

TTC update: today is 6dpiui/7dptrigger. No I haven't tested yet. Not even after the trigger shot to get a fake bfp to make myself feel good. I will be good. I'm trying really hard. I have about 4 hpts coming from ebay though. lol. The trigger should be out by Sunday so I'll probably start testing by then. Obviously, I will announce anything that is significant. Or even not significant.

And I don't want to use Dollar Tree tests unless I get a positive on a legit test. Those things suck balls. Stupid imprint line.

Resolve conference was AWESOME!

It was totally worth going. DH and I feel so much closer; there was one session where they talked about how one person in the marriage is about a year ahead of the other regarding infertility and awareness of it, treatment goals, etc, and only when you catch up to the other one is when it is easier to move forward as a couple. I know it sounds DUH but it's true and hearing that helped so much because we are FINALLY caught up after 2 1/2 years and it feels so good.

We saw an actual RE. Yes, not our OB/GYN who is covered by insurance, but an actual RE. We had 15 minutes with him. Typical time for an appointment anyway, right? So we got a private room with him, gave him the quick overview of our history, and he agreed that what we've done and what we plan to do (one more IUI but with injectables and if unsuccessful go to IVF) is exactly what we should do. I raised concerns about my current and past treatment, he seemed to think that we've done fine and oh my god it helped so much. Also, DH is only at the urologist appts (duh they're for him) and the IUIs. He's not there for the follie checks, trigger shots, questions I ask the doc, etc. So this weekend was such an eye opener to him. The IVF overview was amazing too. Remedial for me, but there were people who have been through it on the panel, telling their stories, an IVF nurse, a slideshow...all things DH hasn't been exposed to. He doesn't stalk the internet for info like me, surprise.

He even wore a sperm pin. Yes. A gold sperm pin with a green eye. Where else can you embrace your infertility? At a RESOLVE conference. It's like being a lesbian at a gay pride parade or something. Or in a room of fans of your favorite team. You all feel the same things, experince similar/same things, and it's such a breath of fresh air.

No we didn't win any of the prizes, but we got a weekend away and learned so much about ourselves and how to cope and also succeed with our infertility. SO worth it and if you are ever considering going, I strongly recommend doing it.

TTC note: started progesterone supps last night. Still no fun. DH is beyond optimistic that this cycle worked. I believe 100% that it didn't. Right side tube is f-ed up, one follicle on the right side...hmmmmm. We'll see.

RESOLVE conference

Well we will leave in about an hour to drive from iowa to minneapolis. 4 1/2 hours in the car. Not looking forward to that part of the trip but i'm hoping so much that we win something tomorrow, especially the ivf cycle. man. well there should be free wi-fi at the hotel so i'll plan on posting something but if i don't then you'll hear from me soon and i'll tell you ALL about it.

wish us luck.

btw this 2ww sucks already. 2dpiui. i just know it didn't work.

1dpiui

So DH has agreed to injectables. Without a long conversation. Crazy stuff. Obviously we hope/need this cycle to work but if it doesn't we have a plan. Injectables. Finally.

Doc says that if we breach 4 follicles he may cancel the trigger and iui for fear of OHSS and rupturing my ovary. Um, that sucks. I want 10 follicles! lol... they also said that some people may only get 1 follicle but i said that clomid did that already and i want to boost our odds and injectables are our best bet and bang for our buck (likely $1,000).

Fingers and toes crossed that we win the IVF cycle at the RESOLVE conference this weekend. Or even the meds. Sheesh.

IUI #6

30-35 million post-wash. Still 1 follicle. Hope this works. I'm pushing dh for injectable cycle next month.

One. Just one.

Yeah. That's all. One damn follicle. Right ovary. 2 follicles at 9 and 11mm on left side.

I freaked. S/w Dr. B. He agrees to do injectables next cycle. DH wants to increase clomid once more.

Follicle Check today

So - any one in a betting mood? My Clo.mid was doubled these past 2 cycles from 50mg to 100mg. I had the same response last month as I did to the 50mg: 2 follicles.

We want at least double that!!! Both were on the right side last month with the probably screwed up tube so this month...inhale, exhale, we are really really really hoping for more than 2 follicles and that at least one if not a majority are on the left side.

I will still be TELLING, not ASKING for an injectable cycle next month if this doesn't work. We have to be more aggressive. Also, if this month is a bust, I'm calling the IVF clinic to get us in.

My cousin's wedding is in August. We will HAVE to start IVF by then. I don't want to be doing injections or traveling during a cycle or in the 2ww. I also don't want to be needing to do betas or ultrasounds while I'm in, of all places, freaking Arkansas. No offense to ANYONE from Arkansas. But that's pretty far away for an IFer to be needing her daily fix of the following: betas, poas-ing, progesterone suppositories, ultrasounds or immediate access to her doctor.

So. Either I will be sailing through pregnancy during this wedding trip or we will take a break that month. I will not be psyched about option #2.

I know. It's five months away. Things can change. But I'm a planner! And with that deadline fast approaching, we need to do something.

Pregnancy Announcement - not mine...

A married couple that we are friends with have been trying for a few months to get pregnant. We got a text yesterday saying this: "Just letting everyone know we are expecting (name witheld) is 3 months along."  Oh. Thanks. Since you have known about our IF for TWO FREAKING YEARS but you sent me and DH a mass text. You couldn't have called or texted me directly or emailed me. I've been avoiding these people for almost a year b/c they were going to start trying and I didn't want them to tell us in person when they were expecting.  Well they went to the other end of the spectrum. Thanks. So much.

There is one other person who I'm competing with to get pregnant. SIL. The one who still goes on drinking and smoking binges with her husband and gets arrested for public intox. August is a bit of a deadline b/c DH might be taken off Clo.mid by then and my cousin is getting married that month and as she is a couple years older than me, she WANTS A BABY. So we have about 5-6 months to get KU.

If SIL gets pregnant before me I. WILL. LOSE. IT.

DH is actually willing to let me talk Dr. B into letting me do an injectable cycle next month for our out of pocket IUI #7 if necessary. He is also wrapping his head around IVF. Finally.

We will be broke but we will have a baby/babies.

I also don't drink anymore. Ever. Maybe a beer or two a MONTH but never. I'm afraid if I start I'll never stop. The same goes with crying. I don't cry anymore. Every day I get a lump in my throat several times but I push it down b/c if I cry, then I won't stop. I have to keep it together and believe that sometime this year, we will be pregnant and stay pregnant.

I wish we had IVF coverage AND counseling coverage.

Something Positive

I got the job!  Same salary as my last job AND I'd get overtime if I work over 40 hours!!!!! I start on March 15th so yay me!! At least something is going right.

As far as IVF coverage, I doubt there is any; it's a high-deductible program so even if they did, we'd be paying a lot out of pocket. I'll ask more on Monday when I talk to the lady that offered me the job. She called this afternoon and said they loved me! I also think this job will be so much better than that craptastic one I had before I got laid off.

I talked to Julie from the RESOLVE conference tonight and she gave me tons more info. We are going and I"m booking the hotel tomorrow. I'm so excited! There's a bunch of breakout sessions and one is "Guy 101". Well it's at the same time as the IVF info session so DH is demanding to go to the IVF one instead of the Guy talk thing so he can learn about IVF from someone other than me. It sounds so great and I figure DH and I will bond over this experience. I'll share everything I can with you, my legion of followers. lol....

IUI is next week. Last one covered by insurance (at 50%, jerks). We don't pray often but it's gotten to that point.

March 13th

So DH and I are strongly considering going to the RESOLVE Family Building Conference next weekend in Minneapolis, MN.

We could win a free IVF cycle. I called the lady on the website to find out how many couples/people usually go to these things. Maybe our odds will be better. I also had a daydream that we went but as usual, we didn't win what we wanted. But the couple who won could never have children and were there for the adoption sessions and info and they would give the IVF cycle to us. Okay for this to happen, the wife would have no reproductive organs and no chance of a surrogate to carry a donor baby; her husband has zero sperm, you get the picture? Yeah. I'm pretty pathetic. Like an IF-er would ever not take a free IVF cycle? Lol...

So I'll let you know if we go; but DH wants to go so it's hard to turn him down if he's interested in learning more. And a weekend away in a hotel? Yeah...he likes that idea.

*Side note, I had my second interview yesterday and they will call me next Monday to let me know about the job either way. I bet I get it. I feel really confident.
DH was one of 2 people up for a job recently and didn't get it. So we never know what will happen but when he got the call telling him they went with the other guy, he was pretty devestated. It reminded me of the monthly devestation I've dealt with for the past 2+ years. Maybe that's why he decided to go the RESOLVE conference.

Maybe a Job?

So the interview went great and the lady said she wants me to come in later this week for a second interview to meet with the head litigation paralegal and one of the firm's partners. I'm not sure if I mentioned before but this job is for a litigation paralegal at a law firm in the "city". I live in a "town" about 20 minutes away.

I'm sure they'll offer it to me. IVF coverage sounds totally doubtful. They have a required HSA (healthcare spending account) where you basically pay thousands in a deductible then anything over that is covered. I'm sure I'll stick with DH's coverage. Same doctors are covered but the law firm's sounds pretty bad.

I'll let you all know if I get the job. Clomid is doing fine. For the SIXTH cycle using it. The hot flashes at night are the worst. No real mood swings.

AF is almost gone. I wish we could do IVF now. I'm sick of all the IUIs. Clearly they're not going to work and there's something wrong with me....

Moving Along

It's CD4. I took my Clomid yesterday. I will take it tonight. And tomorrow. And Tuesday and Wednesday. So...that's about it. No job yet. I have an interview tomorrow afternoon. I have a hair appt in the morning to look awesome. And I need my hair done.

I wish we could just move onto IVF in April or May.

In Other News

Since IF shouldn't be the driving force of my daily existence, I thought I'd share a little more about me, other than the fact that I can't get/stay pregnant.

I come from a blended family of seven. I have three stepsisters and a biological brother. Of my three stepsisters, two are fraternal twins. Just thought I'd throw that out there. So I'm 27, my next sibling, "R", is my 25 year old stepsister, then my brother "G" who is 24, then my twin stepsisters, we'll call them "Kathy" and "Krissy", who are also 24. So we're all pretty darn close in age.

My brother is married to "K" with an "oops" son (my only nephew), and three stepkids. My sister R is getting married next April to her longterm boyfriend, now fiance, so it's been fun to help her plan that. My sister Kathy (we don't call her that but it's the only option to keeping her identity anonymous, as best I can) is about finished with her EMT training. Krissy is police officer whose jerk of a boyfriend sometimes visits her but overall cheats on her and treats her like crap, as well as the rest of the family. We all hate him and hope they never get married.

My mom married my step-dad in 1995 and our family was officially blended. He's my dad though. My "father" is not a part of my life. He is, however, a big part of G's life so I have to deal with that. The good thing is, my father lives in Washington state and I live in Iowa. So I don't have to see him.

Well, the mail is here so I'll go check that out and I need to keep cleaning. I also should go get some groceries so peace out. It was nice not whining about not getting pregnant for five minutes.

And to the lovely ladies who have been supporting me, I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me. I have NOBODY here I can talk to about any of this and DH is just, well, it's beating a dead horse talking to him. So if I could give you a hug I would - I really mean it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish the best for you and anyone reading this - the more babies the better!

Negative - Damn

So all evidence points to another big fat failure. The tests are blindingly negative today. AF will start on Thursday. One more cycle is covered by insurance. Only at 50% though so it's basically another hundred dollars or maybe even two hundred  for more out of pocket so we can't complain.

What to do if it doesn't work though? Frick. IUIs seem to be a waste of time. But without a job or coverage for IVF, it's not sensible to just jump right in. We really need something to go our way. For once.

Nothing Yet

Got up at a decent time, got dressed after taking Dollar Tree hpt again. There wasn't just an imprint line, something screwed up the test, it was all squiggly. So instead of taking another one, I went to the local drug store and got manilla envelopes for mailing job applications and 2 boxes of hpts. One was the cbe-like tests from the store. The others? FRERs. Yeah. So $20 later, I'm home tearing open those suckers like it's Christmas. Negative. I think. The CBE wanna be was inconclusive and the FRER wasn't obvious but I thought I saw something.

It's 12dpiui. I have 2 more days. But as we all know, there should be something there by 13dpiui. That's tomorrow. I have 2 more store-bought tests and about 4 Dollar Tree tests.

Damn. It better work next month. 3/27 will be a very tough day for me (one year since losing our baby at 9 weeks) and I don't know how I'll make it through this year if I don't get pregnant and stay pregnant.

In Limbo

Not much to update. Took the dollar tree hpt this morning, still looked faint but could also be that dang imprint line. I think I'll break down and go buy a test tomorrow at the local drug store. I figure the digital might work by the afternoon (b/c tomorrow's 12dpiui and last year I got a BFP on digital at 12dpo).

We'll see I guess. Trigger should be out by now. Oh, I've been taking OPKs since yesterday and they got darker. I thought that's what happened last month too but BFN so we'll see. If something changes either way I'll post...

Testing Out Trigger...

Dollar Tree HPTs suck and are awesome. They suck b/c they have an imprint line so a faint positive and an imprint shadow look like the same thing. I have 3 digitals left. I will do one tomorrow if the dollar tree test looks darker than it does today. But, the digital 12dpt was negative last month so if the dollar tree test is decent, then I'll waste a digital tomorrow.

Way to rationalize your poas obsession Christa. Wow.

I cheated and took one on Thursday instead of waiting for Friday. Good thing though b/c it was a faint/dark positive so I can work off of that one. I have also discovered that an HPT taken at 12:30pm has the best result and that first morning pee sucks for me.

So, I will do my best to avoid pharmacies and drug stores over the next 24 hours b/c I really really really want to go buy some FRERs and CBEs. I trust them over Dollar Tree tests when it comes to early (obsessive) testing.

Tomorrow is 11dpiui. I figure the real results will start showing by then or Monday at the latest. I had a dream the other night that AF started. Damn...I'll keep all you blog stalkers posted.

*Also - I watched "All About Steve" last night with DH. Funniest/most creative term for coke? "Booger Sugar".

Pregnant women are smug :)

I couldn't help it - no offense to anyone but this how I feel about those who get pregnant without dealing with IF. Not about all of those women, just those who act like this...

Holding Back The Urge

I'm waiting till Friday to test. I just have to keep telling myself that. One year, about to the day that I found out I was pregnant (2/20/09)...I must test on Friday. That way if the trigger is out, then Saturday (2/20/10) might be positive. If the trigger is not out till 12dpt (next monday the 22nd) then I must test it out...I figure that if I get a positive on a digital by next Monday, then I'm golden. DH is buying my 10 Dollar Tree hpts today or tomorrow. I wanted to buy them yesterday when I was in town but I resisted. Otherwise I would have used them by now. Silly, obsessed, poas-addict. Sigh.

Well, back to cleaning the house. Counting down the days....I am testing Friday a.m.....but knowing me I'll probably test in the a.m. and p.m. So maybe he should get me 20 tests....lol. OK not very funny.

Worst case scenario? I use them up by next Tuesday. But I have digitals left. A positive on 14dpt/13dpiui is legit. 50+ hcg at that point.

Countdown:
Wed 2/17/10 - 8dpt/7dpiui
Thu  2/18/10 - 9dpt/8dpiui
Fri   2/19/10 - 10dpt/9dpiui
Sat 2/20/10 - 11dpt/10dpiui
Sun 2/21/10 - 12dpt/11dpiui (trigger should be out by today)
Mon 2/22/10 - 13dpt/12dpiui (result should be final by this point, positive or negative)
Tue 2/23/10 - 14dpt/13dpiui (beta?)
Wed 2/24/10 - 15dpt/14dpiui (beta?)
Thu 2/25/10 - AF due/Beta?

Please let this cycle work.

Follow Up With Urologist

Here were the stats on the s/a (which doesn't include morphology so why do we bother but whatever):

100 million overall count
35% motility (down from 51% in November 09)
35 million total motile

The doc said that DH can stay on the Clomid but only for about a year to 18 months. That puts our deadline starting around August to February 2011. The doc said that if we want to use our last covered IUI then that's fine but he's done all he can with DH and recommended IVF. He left the room to make a copy and that's when DH was all, "Well I guess we might do that in the next 8-10 months but you'll have to have a job. Besides we really can't afford it." To which I replied/freaked out by saying, "Um, no. We've been trying too long and clearly there is something wrong with me and if this IUI or March's IUI results in resounding failure, and as long as I have a job at that time, I'm making us another IVF consult appt. Except this time we won't cancel it (due to ectopic)." 

So: personal timeline - Feb IUI (in the works); March IUI (#6 and last one covered). We talked about it afterwards and agreed that the first two IUIs were a waste with 2 million post wash and one had a cyst, not a follicle. So we'll probably do 2 more IUIs out of pocket. By May, if there no success, we'll do an IVF consult.

I'm at peace with that plan. However, 3/27 is coming up. It's the anniversary of my miscarriage from last year (9 weeks) and our only non-chemical/non-ectopic pregnancy and since I made it through the last year by promising myself I'd be pregnant by that date, I'm feeling a bit of pressure.

Oh, and I had a job interview today. We'll see if I get the job. I'll find out in about 2 weeks, maybe a month. At least I had an interview. Only took 6 weeks to get one.

PUPO

I am Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise as of today. I have ovulated and the eggs only last 18-24 hours and since I had my shot on Tuesday, time is up. I start my progesterone supps tomorrow morning (yay) and wait until next Friday to start testing out the trigger. I swear I will wait this time b/c I wasted HPTs from 7dpiui-10dpiui and the trigger wasn't out till 11dpiui. So next friday is 10dpt, 9dpiui. I will use dollar tree hpts b/c I didn't buy any internet cheapies or discount CBEs or FRERs on Ebay this time. Unemployed/laid off, can't afford it.

I purposely didn't buy any tests yesterday when I was at the Dollar Tree so that I wouldn't be tempted next week. I will go into town next Thursday and buy 10. Yes 10. I'm a nut.

BTW I was up with DH last night lamenting our pathetic excuse for a sex life b/c we've had to "schedule" bd-ing for over 2 years now so it's pretty hard to be "spontaneous" when we know we have to "do it". He said that he hopes that this cycle is a resounding success or a monumental failure so that we can have a chance to go back to the way things used to be. Silly boy. He has no idea that things will never go back to how they were in college or before we started TTC-ing/got married. But I do agree that it would be nice to only BD when we were "in the mood" instead of "following the schedule".

It's hard to feel sexy when you enter the room with a tube of Preseed and a pillow. LOL.....

Sidenote

I've mentioned SIL before, how she and her husband are now TTC, and how I feel about all of that.

Guess what? They got locked up this past weekend for public intox!  Her husband already had an OWI a few years ago too. They are not ready for a baby.

She still smokes and drinks (heavily, obviously) and says she'll quit when she gets pregnant. Basically they think what's happened to us won't happen to them. Jerks.

Well I think she has PCOS and that her husband has a low sperm count. Good luck a**holes!

Normal Sperm Count!!!

35 million post-wash. That was the answer from the doc about an hour ago. Are you kidding me!!!!????

IUI #1: 2 million post-wash, BFN
IUI #2: 2 million post-wash, BFN
IUI #3: 8 million post-wash, BFP (ectopic)
IUI #4: 15 million post-wash, BFN
IUI #5: 35 million post wash, ????

Nuts! Just absolute pandemonium in the exam room for us today (well, not really pandemonium, more high-fives and smiles really)...my doc's office wants 20+ million post-wash to consider it "normal". I believe this would be a situation where DH would be an overachevier.

Who knows folks? This might be the one? Dr. E (a sub b/c Dr. B was delivering babies) was very nice and quite positive so we felt really good when it was all done. I did tell DH though - "this room smells like sex" and laughed when I was getting dressed. He laughed. It didn't smell like anything but alcohol wipes but I thought it was funny.

2 follicles. 35 million sperm. Game on infertility.

Ultrasound results

2 follicles (I know - only 2???) on the right ovary. One is 28.3mm and the other is 17mm. I got triggered around 10:30am. The IUI (#5) is tomorrow around 3pm. I wish my doc did the IUIs 36 hrs after trigger but oh well. I do what my coverage allows. But the giant follicle indicates I may ovulate tomorrow anyhow...I took an OPK this morning and it was not positive so who knows? But I haven't had a follie this big in FOREVER!

Dr. B isn't available for the IUI tomorrow so I'll probably get another doc. I doubt and hope it's not Dr. M (the one I "fired" after the ectopic last November). Awkward!

Great Expectations

Random thoughts -

I want to apply to the Sheriff's Dept or State Patrol if I don't get pregnant by March. That way I can do the 12 week academy and take a TTC break. DH's sperm will suck for about 3 months after our March cycle. Logic problem? TTC break will allow SIL to get pregnant before us. Full on panic will ensue.

There better be at least 2 follicles at my Tuesday u/s. The doubled Clo.mid resulted in worse mood swings and plenty of night sweats/hot flashes. Also we MUST GET PREGNANT by March so that it's before the 3/27 deadline of our 9 week loss of last year which I promised myself I would be pregnant or have a baby on that date; and our insurance only covers 2 more IUIs at 50%. After that it'll cost a pretty penny to have more. These were lifetime coverages.

I must find a job that has IF coverage b/c our current coverage, as I said before, is running out.

Panic is already setting in on the job front - not one interview in 30+ days of unemployment. Severance ran out on Friday. Unemployment "benefits" are 50% of what I was making. Damn economy.

I'll give the update on Tuesday once I get the follicle results.

Status

Almost done with the Clo.mid. The mood swings and hot flashes are here and making themselves known. Unavoidable.

IUI is next week!!!! I'm starting to get hopeful again. I was so down in the dumps when AF showed. Now that things are changing (increased meds) it makes me want to think positively...so I'm trying.

DH is fine still - I'm sure it sounds awful but I'm tired of being nursemaid. Hopefully he can kind of BD next week. TMI but it's been awhile!!!

Set Them Straight

Called Drs office this morning to reschedule my u/s b/c they're all idiots.
Conversation:

Me: I was just calling to find out why my u/s is on CD14 instead of CD13 per the usual appt day.
Nurse: It is on CD14.
Me: No...let's count off the days. Thursday January the 28th was CD1. Then we go Friday is CD2, Saturday is CD3, Sunday is CD4-
Nurse: -oh I see what happened, January 31st was overlooked. Gee it's so close to the 1st...
(at this point I was wondering how in the world anyone in this department is legally allowed to treat anyone, medically....or drive, walk, breathe, etc. Can no one read a calendar!?!?)
Me: Yeah, this isn't the first time it's happened.
Nurse: Okay so we'll set you up for Tuesday February 9th. 10:30 am okay?
Me: Yes thank you very much.

I'm surrounded by morons. I swear. If I wasn't paying attention to my cycles, days, etc, I can only imagine how much time and money I would have wasted in letting my dr's office screw things up. And should I wager that I'd still have to pay all the bills? Yes...I would. Jerks.

More Clomid - More Babies?

Dr. B finally doubled my dosage of Clomid. I typically get 1-2 follicles. I am praying for 4+ follicles at my next u/s appt. Am I nuts?

I took my first 2 pills last night. I am counting the days till I get to meet up with the di.ldo cam. I'll take multiples at this point - I am about to lose it.

Oh, did I mention that when I got pregnant last year in February, the date of conception was February 9th? Well for this cycle, the u/s will need to be on 2/9/10. The IUI would be on 2/10/10.

Way to mirror the most wonderful/tragic event in my life. The due date would be 11/4/10. Last year's due date was 11/2/09.

What if it works again? Do you think I'll be freaking out much by the nine week mark? Sigh...

Cycle # ? / IUI #5

I got my appts set up for my u/s and the IUI. Of course they screwed up and set up the u/s for CD 14. It needs to be on CD 13. So I'll go fix that on Monday. Idiots.

The good news is that the Doc finally upped my Clomid to 100mgs!!! We better have several follies in 2 weeks's time.

Game back on.

DH is doing fine. Whiny but fine.

Big Fat Failure

IUI #4 will go down in our history as a massive failure. How the heck does it take 12 frigging days to get the trigger out of my system!

I'm in DH's hospital room right now as he's sleeping after his ACL surgery. The anesthesia made him sick so they gave him anti-nausea meds that have made him super-drowsy.

AF arrived in full force while I was waiting for recovery to FINALLY CALL ME AFTER TWO HOURS...jerks. I started freaking b/c he was supposed to be out of recovery and 2 hours later they finally call to tell me they were keeping him longer b/c he was puking.

So cramping is major bad - took four Aleve. Suck it "directions on the bottle". I take four. It better work. I am in so much pain that I want to crawl into bed and sleep through CD1-CD3 b/c of the cramps. But I cant. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night. DH's been sleeping for basically the last seven hours and I'm about to pass out.

I called Dr. B's office to let them know I need my clomid refilled for this next cycle (who knows what cycle we're on - it's nearing thirty though) and I officially asked to increase it from 50mg b/c we need as many follicles as we can get for these last two IUIs that are covered under insurance.

I'm waiting for a call back from the nurse who said she'd talk to Dr. B about it. I'll take anything - even injectables! Give me a baby!!!

I Think I'm Out

Dollar tree was negative this morning. The EPT seemed to have a faint positive but i'll test again this afternoon because i'm crazy....then I'll test again tomorrow. If it's negative tomorrow then I'll know I'm out. Oh well - like I'd ever get lucky enough to actually get pregnant when I really need to.

Is It the Trigger???

11 days past trigger, 10dpiui. Faintest BFP but it's there on internet cheapie and a dollar tree test. I've tested every day since 7 days past trigger and they're all positive, just getting a little fainter each day (FRER positive yesterday mid-day). I'm nuts. Maybe it's real. Maybe it's still the trigger. If I get a BFN tomorrow then I'll know for sure. But if not then I'll start actually getting excited. Then I will wonder if its twins. Lol.  

I'd post pictures but if anyone reads this they've seen what I'm seeing. If I get a BFP on a digital - I will post it.

I Am Pathetic

I lied about testing out the trigger starting this upcoming Friday. I started on Sunday. 5dpt. What the hell is wrong with me? I used a dollar tree test on Sunday, then yesterday (I took Monday off somehow) an internet cheapie. Still positive. Hmm. Okay so I took one today. It's identical to yesterday's positive. Today is 8dpt, 7dpiui.

I'm sick - because it's not lighter, I somehow have convinced myself that it'll stay positive past the 10dpt mark, then keep right on trucking to a positive digital test. Just like the ectopic in November but this time not ectopic.

I really really really want Dr. B to get me an u/s right away so that we can see a gestational sac in the uterus.

See what I'm doing to myself? There should be a special medication for TTC-ers in the 2ww.

Also - watched "Julie & Julia" last night with DH. It was great. I felt bad for "Julie" because "Julia" didn't like her blog; didn't think she was a serious cook or something. Well I googled the crap out of both of them and turns out "Julie" got a book deal (duh) and then she had an affair with someone at the publishing company and then wrote a book about that. I am no longer a "Julie" fan but I still am a big "Julia" fan.

If you're confused, please comment - it'd be nice to hear from someone.    Anyone.......

Not Much to Say...

I'm freaking out about being laid off. I hear about upcoming openings at great companies but they won't be posted for a couple of weeks. I don't have much time left in the severance pay. I can't afford to only have unemployment unless we get our W2s in soon so we can get our refund. MIL told me the other day that we shouldn't get pregnant while I'm laid off. LOL. If she only knew. It'd be stupid to take a break now. I've thought of going the route of law enforcement - 3 months of the academy. Then what? Get pregnant and have kids? That's not going to work into anyone's schedule. I can't start a new career now - it's too late. Dammit.

I POAS this afternoon b/c I was bored and wanted to see a BFP, no matter how fake it was due to the trigger shot. I'm 5dpt and 4dpiui. Not a strong positive but not a light one either. Kind of in between. I'll take another one next Thursday (9dpt and 8dpiui) to start testing it out. Last time I did that it never turned negative but it was ectopic so we'll see.

IUI #4 is Done

Was not as painful as the last few. My new doc, Dr. B, did the procedure. Count was the best yet! 15 million post wash!!! To think we started with barely 2 million with IUI #1 and #2. Unbeliveable. Dr. B thinks that the "shadow follicle" or whatever it was yesterday may actually be a real one. He said a different patient had the same thing and that's all it was, no other follicles for her and she got pregnant so maybe the 23mm (yeah not 22mm, 23mm) is our winner? He didn't see any polyps and thinks that whatever was on the u/s was a shadow. Good lord, enough shadows?

Well, I'll start the obsessive testing next Friday to test out the shot. Okay, maybe next Thursday. I have nothing better to do right?

In job news, I have a contact from Chicago who is going look for openings for me in the business. He may know some people who would hire me to work from home. That would be the BEST!

Now, I'm going to watch American Idol. Judge me all you want.

Moving Forward

I had my ultrasound yesterday to find out the sitch with the follies. I've got two on the left and one on the right. Only one on the left is 17+mm and one on the right is at like a 9mm or so. The other on the left was 22mm with a daughter cyst which altogether they're calling a shadow follicle or something. Altogether I was informed that the 22mm one is not real...or whatever. The nurse seems to think she knows what she's talking about but I asked questions that were secret tests (because I know everything of course) and she basically failed. But the 17mm follicle on the left seems to be the golden egg so I was triggered at 10:30 am yesterday. The IUI is today at 3pm. We reviewed DH's s/a from November 2009 and it showed over 60 million total motal count at 30 million +. Thus we are EXPECTING (cautiously optimistic) that his post-wash count today will be higher than ever for our IUIs. Not hard to beat 2 million (IUI #1 - cyst, no real follicle, idiots), 2 million (IUI #2, one follicle), 8-12 million (IUI #3 which resulted in an ectopic, two follicles). We have one good egg for IUI #4, pre-surgery and shit hitting the fan. No pressure right? Yeah....a lot of pressure. I've amassed a lot of pee tests. Let's do this thing. Activate the insemination!!!! Mwahahahahah.....

Lazy Saturday

So I'm getting kind of amped for the IUI next week. But I'm not looking forward to the 10 or so days afterward where I'll be searching for a job, cleaning the house (including any and all closet spaces, etc) every day. At least it'll keep me busy. But it still is hard to wait.

One of the biggest companies in town will be posting 25-35 job openings in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully they're something I will like. Maybe they'll have even better IF coverage? IVF? lol...at least what we have now covers 90% of IUIs (up to 6 lifetime) and 100% diagnostics. Hard to complain.

I'm sure I'll be posting more since I'm at home for awhile. We'll see how long that lasts. I just want to be pregnant and stay pregnant. Broken record. I know...

Great Year So Far....NOT

I am blogging from home because I got laid off yesterday. Yep. Big shock to me. I got a month's severance so that's 3 more paychecks, and then unemployment. super duper.

We're going ahead with IUI #4 next week, but DH's knee surgery at the end of the month and the lack of my job may make him fight about doing IUI #5 (if necessary) in February. I figure we do all three months b/c we have to take a break from April till about June...

Hopefully it works. Do people hire pregnant women?

I'm thinking about going back to school to get my master's or to be a teacher. I have no idea what to do.....

Nut 'N Honey

When I think up titles for blog posts, I try to go for the first thing that comes to mind. Lo and behold, "Nut 'n Honey" popped up. Mainly because when DH asked what I was doing last week when I would be spending my time examining pee sticks, that was my response. Also, I liked the cereal. I wonder if they still make it? Hmmm...


Yeah all those HPTs were negative. I don't know what I saw earlier in the week but it was b.s.

I ordered a bunch of pee sticks on Eb.ay in Nov/Dec b/c I find that for $5 or less I can get multi-packs of FRERs, Answers, CBEs, etc. Well in November I amassed about a 1/2 dozen digitals. Thus, I'm sticking to them and Dollar Tree tests for the next few months. That should be fine.

AF showed up on New Year's Eve. I had two daquiris at dinner that night. Yum. Then I didn't drink all weekend. I find that I don't really like it anymore. The hangover/my behavior never seems to come out better than when I don't drink. Also, DH doesn't drink anymore (Urologist's orders) so what's the point huh? We sat on our new couches all weekend and watched TV and played Wii. It was nice.

I called Dr. B's office yesterday to set up my ultrasound and IUI for the January cycle (cycle ?, IUI #4). The nurse seemed confused but eventually figured it out. It's hard to discuss things like "ultrasound", "trigger", and "insemination" which is what she calls an IUI, at my desk with four co-workers 12 feet away. So we got it all set up. I've been on 50mg of Clo.mid again, this time from day 3-7 instead of 4-8 or however it was we did it in November. That worked but ended in an ectopic so we're trying (obviously) to avoid that. The u/s and possible trigger would be next Tuesday 1/12 (CD 13) at 9:30 am. The u/s lady will remember me and ask if I "emptied my bladder" like she always does. And I will respond, "twice emptied, I know the drill," like I always do. Ahh, routine. Also, the IUI will be the late afternoon the day after the Nov.arel instead of 24 hours later. That way the swimmers have a better chance of hitting the egg(s) than when they have to sit around for 12 hours waiting for one or more to release.

I was THISCLOSE to taking double pills (DH is also on Clo.mid) to increase my dosage to get more follicles but instead of being scared of getting in trouble, well maybe a little, I was scared of getting a cyst like back in July (didn't overdose, first clomid cycle screwed me up). So I didn't. But I'll be pushing Dr. B for a few things when I see him at the IUI:


1. Betas + Progesterone every time. Monitor P4 during pregnancy b/c it may have been the reason for miscarriage #2 at 9 weeks. Dr. M refused to cooperate with that request other than to give me suppositories AFTER the loss for future IUIs.

2. Increase meds to give us a better chance at success after DH has surgery on 1/28. We really only have Jan, Feb and Mar to try until his count most likely plummets in April. Yay.
Okay right now I can only think of 2 things but there are more. Believe me. I'm going to assert myself with this guy and b/c I trust him and he listens to me I think things will work out...

Did I Mention 2010 Will Be The Year?

So I've been obsessively testing since 9 dpo. Yes I'm nuts. DH and I thought we saw a faint BFP on Monday night on a Clear Blue Easy non-digital and an E.P.T. but I think they were bleed lines b/c nothing else has come close to a BFP since then. I've used a FRER, internet cheapies, Dollar Tree tests and more CBE and EPTs. No dice.

That's fine - AF is supposed to show by New Year's Eve or New Year's Day (preferably) so this should be a fun weekend. If AF shows on 1/1/10, then the cycle days would literally be the same as the calendar days, easier to keep track I suppose. Also, January is our only chance to get the coveted 10/10/10 due date!!!! lol...doesn't mean it'll happen but it'd be so cool. Finally, once DH has his surgery we may be kind of screwed with any IUIs for awhile. If January's doesn't work then we'll definitely do one in Febuary, but we will probably do a s/a in March before doing another one. We'll do clomid in March for sure, but definitely a se.men analysis before an IUI in March just so we aren't wasting one of the 6 that are covered. We've used three so Jan-Mar woudl be our last chances to have the 50% coverage by insurance. Yeah, only 50% is covered. But DH believes that it'll happen this year for sure w/out IVF so I told him that if i'm not pregnant by the end of the year that we're going to start IVF. I'm not waiting anymore. Also, about 74 days after his surgery - or April-ish - his count will likely plummet and won't recover for another 74 days. So we basically lose at least 2 cycles this year if not 3. Yay, right? So we only have 9 months in 2010 to get knocked up and stay that way. No pressure, right?

One Month after BFP - 2 1/2 Weeks Post EP Surgery

Beta on 12/10/09: 3
We got the green light - it's bunny time!

I got a positive OPK last night. FINALLY. And this afternoon. Yes. I took one at work. It's currently in my sweater pocket. B/c it looks like an HPT, I have to hide it so nobody finds it/sees it and thinks i'm pregnant. Or if someone figures out what it is I will be quite red-faced.
This afternoon I have been feeling quite a bit of pressure/pain in my right ovary area and then under my belly button (that spot probably b/c of the buttoned pants I'm wearing toady; I've been unbuttoning my pants since the surgery), and my lower back.
Thus, I think I'm ovulating today/tonight/tomorrow. Dh and I have been bd-ing every other day since last wednesday just in case. Since it appears I am actually popping out an egg in the next several hours, we're going to "hit it" hard tonight and tomorrow for sure.
Maybe it'll work. Maybe I'll have another ectopic. Maybe we'll actually get a live baby in nine months. No clue. But I'm excited for the possibility. At least we didn't have to wait 3 months like the other/fired doc was going to make us wait and at least dh has a healthy/normal (kind of) count for us to try with unlike what happened in March. We tried for three months after March, oh yes we did. But with very little swimmers that actually knew where they were going, it clearly didn't work. Let's see, the first IUI 3 months after dh started taking Clomid, we got pregnant. Duh. Obviously it worked and his swimmers got a clue. So, since we've got some good ones till about 74 days after dh's ACL surgery 1/28/10, we have got to go at this hard until the count drops off. THEN we'll have to wait 74 more days after that till they go back to normal-ish...for him. You know what I mean.

But I feel confident that we WILL get pregnant and STAY pregnant in 2010. Dammit. Or else. You hear me future baby/babies?!?!? You will sit and you will stay in the right place until it's time to come out. Grrr.

I'm happy. I am in total love with my husband. We are okay. We got a new TV and a Wii for Christmas. Instead of an exchange we decided to get those things. The Wii's not yet set up, we're pretty 'tarded when it comes to that kind of stuff and we want to wait for our NEW COUCH to arrive! We got a sectional that I call "the butt couch" b/c it has little cushions all over it so i think it looks like it's got butts on it. Dh doesn't agree but we both like that it's beyond comfortable (our current couches are hand-me-downs from my parents and I think the couches are 15 years old), and has massagers on both sides of the sectional! We got two couches that are three-seaters and then the middle triangle thingy. I never wanted a sectional but I ended up falling in love with this one. Each side has a little cooler in it too under the middle seat so how neat is that! The couch is to be delivered on New Year's Eve (not entirely convenient but we'll work with it) and they'll take our crappy couches and horrible recliner. We're counting the days.

We'll find out by New Year's Eve or New Year's Day if I'm knocked up. If it didn't work, then I get to start Clomid by day 3 (if I can't reach the doctor, I'll just take Eric's and then replace his with the Rx that I get - this really works out, being on the same fertility meds) and then we'll do IUI #4 by the 15th or 16th. I'll find out if I'm knocked by Dh's ACL surgery (probably do beta the morning of the surgery) so, that's all good stuff! I'm super excited for the next six weeks. I really really really hope it works before April (when DH's sperm go to sh*t). As long as it works before April, we'll have our baby in 2010. Hopefully.

Dr. Google Is Not Helping

So I have googled the crap out of a question I have. Not much on answers. I just want to know when I will ovulate now. We are not waiting a cycle to try b/c DH has ACL surgery at the end of January so we don't want to waste a possible cycle. It's been over 2 weeks since the surgery and my count has been under 100 since then as well so my body should be getting ready to ovulate.
*TMI Alert*
I've had a TON of ewcm lately. Like gobs. Not typical for me. So I've been using my leftover opks to figure out what's going on and we've been bd-ing every other day since last Wednesday. I should ovulate this week based on what's going on "down there" as it comes about 3-4 days after the ewcm for some strange reason. The opks aren't getting darker yet but i figure they will in the next couple of days. I only have one left though so I have to decide whether to use it tonight or wait until Tuesday. I have a bunch (30) coming from Ebay but the seller shipped on 12/6/09 and I still don't have them so if I use the last one I have then I'll have to go buy some at the store and they're a bit costly...but if it helps us conceive this month then they'd be worth it right? A long-time TTC-er will spend money on some pretty crazy stuff so nothing I buy that's related will surprise DH.

Luckily my cycle should play out for January (if this December trainwreck doesn't end in a BFP) works out for the IUI to be mid-month so that maybe I can get a beta before or during DH's surgery.

Also, his urologist and I exchanged emails last week and he said that the surgery shouldn't impact DH's sperm until about 74-90 days after surgery. So we'll keep doing the IUIs until then which works out fine. But how, logistically, will DH and I "do it" at home if he's laid up (lol, no pun intended) with a bum knee? Yes, all mental images aside folks, I will have to do all the work. I'd rather do that then "take a break". Besides, if our efforts fail, then we'll be "taking a break/doing it on our own" for three months after the bad sperm kick in until they come back after another sperm cycle. Bummer huh? So we've got December, January, February, March and April (maybe) to get pregnant. No pressure right?

Smack in the face

i knew the betas sucked. i convinced myself that i was at the low end of normal but i knew. it was ectopic. ruptured day after thanksgiving. took four hours of pain quickly intensifying to get me to announce (in choked tears) that something was "wrong" and that we needed to see a doctor immediately. went to local (small town) ER. they were confused, couldn't give me pain meds. sent me to "big city" ER. they didn't get the memo from local ER so there was some confusion at first but soon i got pain meds, lovely, then an u/s which confirmed no sac, nothing in uterus. lots of free-flowing blood though. my favorite doc was on call, told me i had ectopic. apparently beta was around 450 or so. that monday it'd been 131. if my dang doctor had just ran one more frigging beta she would have seen the problem. anyways, i went in for emergency laproscopic surgery. they saved my tube. stayed overnight at hospital. dh took amazing care of me for the past week. i'm back at work today, still quite sore. refused to have the rest of the stitches out after first one hurt like a bi*ch.

but i'm not depressed and hiding this time. dh's count is nearly normal now. the motility is grade 4. i just know that we'll get pregnant again. he has to have ACL surgery soon so we only have a couple of months to try. we'll do it on our own this month and once i get af, i'll call my new doctor, the one from the hospital (same department, just a different doc) and i'll start a clomid/iui cycle again. We'll go for IUI #4. i feel good about it. even if it doesn't work, we'll keep trying.

now SIL and BIL are trying. in a sick way i still dont want to be 2nd to them. my little/only brother had a kid before me and if SIL (younger) has one too i'll be pissed. i'm terrible. but i'm not depressed anymore.

Welcome back?

so. it's been at least 8 months. you won't be able to guess why...yeah. we lost everything.
long story short - started spotting at 7 1/2 weeks, got u/s, everything was fine but there was blood near the sac. Bedrest for 4 days. spotting exactly a week after it started, then bleeding. went in for another u/s. baby normal, heartbeat good, blood problem gone. thought everything would be fine. then the next morning - bam! heavy bleeding, worst cramping i've ever experienced, lost the baby in the ER. saw it, was quite traumatic. had u/s to show clear uterus, horrible experience. then the next day, had the same thing happen all over again due to incomplete abortion. went to ER in my town and got medication to make everything flush out properly.

i've been in some kind of depressive social coma since then. the only reason i'm back is b/c i'm pregnant again. dh went on clomid and his count and motility basically tripled. we did three iuis and this third one worked i guess. low betas to start with: 13dpiui: 10; 15 dpiui: 33; 17 dpiui: 56; 19dpiui: 131.

B/c i got Beta #4's results this morning and they were good, i decided to post this. not sure if i'll keep things up. i'm sure nobody is following this blog.

if you are actually following this and you know me - please don't tell anyone. you can talk to me directly but please keep this a secret.

odds are nobody is following this. most people ask to be kept in prayers, etc. screw that. a lot has changed for me this year and i decided that the whole god thing is b.s.

if it's going to happen, it will. if there are problems, make it happen. if it can't happen, then it won't.

so...first u/s is next monday the 30th. i'm getting the flu and the h1n1 shot tomorrow per doctor's orders. we'll see how this progresses.

but i think i'm healing a little. even if this one bombs, dh's count is so good i feel confident we can do this on our own.

ironically, our initial ivf appt is next monday at the same time as the u/s. i will most likely cancel the ivf appt tomorrow.

7w5d

Still pregnant, for all you followers out there. I see nobody is following this blog so that was sarcasm...

I haven't thrown up yet and that's concerning me. Why? B/c I suffered from horrific PMS since Iwent through puberty and I always figured that any pregnancy hormones would hit me hard. Well, I just get nauseous if I'm hungry and usually from 10am - 3pm. So...I don't get it. I'll probably call the doctor's office on Friday (my day off) and tell them I'm nervous about it. Maybe I'll get another u/s if I really push.

Other than that, I went golfing with DH yesterday b/c it was 65 degrees. I carried my bag since there were no golf carts allowed and I hate pull carts. We only went five holes since it started getting chilly, I was starving and I'm out of shape. I thought I was going to puke. Maybe we'll go Sunday. Who knows? Dh has been great though. He's cleaning a lot and being attentive. He gets excited a lot about the baby but we're still on edge till the second trimester.

Oh, I ordered a doppler ($100 bucks!) from Amazon.com so I can sooth my psychotic internal ramblings since I'm terrified of having a missed miscarriage. My symptoms are so minor (sore bbs and mild nausea) that I'm scared that something is going or has gone wrong. Hopefully the doppler or doctor's office can make me feel better.

7 Weeks

Wow, it's just unbelievable that we're at seven weeks. I still have it in the back of my mind that the baby is measuring 6w4d but I don't care. The doctor told me to stay with the calendar I started with so whatever. Seven weeks!

The nausea has come and gone. I can't get too hungry; though my appetite has been huge, holy cow. I feel like a cow. Lol. My cold seems to have gone away (knock on wood) but my sinuses feel slightly swollen, you know what I mean? Not much of a runny nose but I feel kinda stuffy.

My back has had some aching, it comes and goes, and the cramping is very minor and is sporadic. Maybe the puking won't happen to me, I'd like it to just so I know how strong the hormones are, but if I can get by without it and have a strong, healthy baby, that's fine by me!

I just keep praying all goes well and I'm looking forward to some pleasant weather so I can go walking. I'll start next week at the gym (I have a membership I bought two months ago that I haven't used yet, the timing hasn't been there) twice a week. That should help. And I can walk at home, around the block and such. Spring starts next Friday! I can't believe it'll be late fall by the time we have this baby! I still call it our little sea monkey (that's what it looked like in the ultrasound pictures) but I figure by the end of next week I'll be calling it our little gummy bear. ;)

Heartbeat!!!!

I'm at home; took the day off today to enjoy the ultrasound. I'll post more later, but it went fine. Baby is actually measuring at six weeks one day but the doc told me to consider myself six weeks four days. We'll see down the road if we need to change the due date, but the most it'd be off by is three days and she said its no biggie.

I started crying when I saw the baby and its heartbeat. We even got to listen to it, which his nuts! Dh says it was 128 bpm but I thought she said 113 bpm. Either way, our little one is measuring great and the doc is happy with what she saw.

Next appointment is a basic prenatal appt with a nurse on 3/31 and then with the doc for my first pelvic, heart monitoring, etc on 4/13!

Yay!!!

5 weeks 4 days

Still pregnant! I need to stop peeing on the dollar tree tests, but I really enjoy watching the progression of the darkening lines!

Symptoms:
Sore boobs, especially the nipples.
Lower back pain kicked in today.
Queasiness started last Friday.
Tired ALL.THE.TIME.
I enjoy ice cream and dill pickle potato chips (isn't it too early for cravings?)
Gassy
Did I say tired a lot? 'Cause I am.
Constant runny nose.

I think I've been an obviously happier person though, overall. DH says things like, we're having a baby, I'm going to be a dad. I can't believe it...things like that. The timing of this is really good too. We're better prepared than we were last year. We have two good jobs, a house and a stable financial situation. Our marriage is solid as a rock, and our extended families are doing well.

I do still check the tp every single time I wipe, just in case. I think anybody would do that though, especially someone who's had a miscarriage.

Next Tuesday is the first u/s and appointment with my ob. I'm so excited! I can't wait to see our baby. It's unreal yet; every day I get a little more used to being pregnant. Yet, the puking hasn't begun yet so I may start to get a little annoyed with that symptom. Anytime I'm bothered, I'll remind myself of how badly we wanted this and that any m/s is a sign of a strong pregnancy.

Hopefully DH helps me clean the toilets more often though. Random note: I have sworn off pop (anything but diet 7-up/diet sprite/diet sierra mist) since my BFP. I'm scared the sweeteners and lack of health benefits will be bad for me or the baby. The only time I drink the diet sierra mist is when I can't stand water anymore or if we're eating out and it's all they have other than water.

DH has been wonderful though, and I'm a little surprised. He has been drinking a lot the past two saturdays but that's because 1) he's been celebrating and 2) his brothers came into town unexpectedly and drinking is what they do. I'm sure he'll back off of it this weekend until St. Patty's weekend. After that he'll have no real reason to have anything to drink till we visit his brothers again in late April. I guess I'm mostly tired of being the designated driver.

Only 2 days left and we'll be at 6 weeks! I need to find more synonyms for excited!

5 Weeks!!!

I can't believe it! It's five weeks already! Yeah right, every day has taken forever to be over with. I just want to have the u/s and see the baby!

Boobs hurt and I feel sick when I get even a little hungry. I pee all the time which is also probably because I drink crazy amounts of liquids due to this cold I'm still fighting. I went to the doctor yesterday for what I figured was a sinus infection. Lo and behold, it is just that. I got ammoxicillin for the next 10 days. Dh was worried so he made me call my ob to make sure it was okay to take it. She said yes it was fine. Lol. Also I get crampy once in a while, for about a minute; they're mild to moderate and feel different than AF cramps. I asked the ob nurse about that too and she said since this is my first child that my uterus hasn't been stretched like this before so of course it'll get crampy. The different feeling is it expanding, not being pushed in like during AF.

I still need to tell how we announced it to our parents, but we're telling his immediate family tonight and mine next Saturday, so I'll post everything soon enough. But in case anyone was actually following this blog, I wanted to make sure they knew that I'm still pregnant!!!

Oh Yeah

Progesterone at 24.5. Got the call yesterday morning that I won't need progesterone supplements/suppositories. The U/s is scheduled, and I told the nurse I don't want to set up all the prenatal stuff till I see the baby on screen. They understand...

I'm cautiously optimistic!

Still Pregnant

I have held my breath since Friday, hoping that this preganancy didn't circle the drain like the last (and only) one did. Nothing yet! Some crampy/pulling feeling randomly but thats it. My boobs hurt on and off and my back has started hurting. Also I can't seem to sleep past 3am. lol. This is nuts! Speaking of nuts, I went to the dollar tree last night and bought 9 pregnancy tests. I thought I had ten...lol.
I took one as soon as I got home. Yep, a nice medium-dark line pretty quickly. I have 2 $6.00 digitals left and I want to save them for either making the announcement or if I have a scare.

DH is getting more and more excited. Every morning when I wake up, I look right at him, smile, and say, "Still pregnant!". He just smiles and closes his eyes. Today he's emailed me and said he's surprised at how excited he is and how this will be a long nine months. He has no idea. It's 14 days till our first ultrasound and that feels like a million years away! It's like my birthday every day, like Christmas, like our wedding day...I love being pregnant! Bring on the morning sickness and the cankles! I want it all!

I've wanted this for so long, longer than the 16 months it took to get pregnant. I saw a beautiful sunrise this morning on the way to work, prettier than any I can remember seeing in my 26 years. All I could do was thank God. Usually, when I lose hope, He seems to pick me back up. He also helps me to appreciate what I have and to learn tough lessons when I need them.

Maybe that was the reason for last year's chemical pregnancy. I got the BFP on Tuesday (4w 4d) and started spotting at midnight and officially miscarried on Wednesday (4w 5d).

Today is 4w 4d. I have to make it past tomorrow. That will be HUGE!!!!! The first milestone was the BFP on our own. The second was making it past the first night. The third will be making it past 4w 5d. ;) I think (and pray) we can do it.

Due date 10/30/09. Let's do it, shall we pumpkin?

Shock Of A Lifetime

I. Am. Pregnant.

BFP on Friday. Went to ob/gyn immediately for a pee test there and a progesterone blood test. Pee test waaaay positive but no progesterone results in till Monday.

WTF????

How did this happen? I've also got a nasty head cold and a probable sinus infection. No meds for me...

I will tell the story later on how I told DH and our parents...but this is nuts and I thank God every time I wipe and see nothing on the tp (TMI, sorry but I've lost one in the middle of the night and I don't want it to happen again). Ultrasound is on 3/10!

Who Isn't Pregnant?

Seriously, I'd like to know. Just found out that a friend of ours is "oops" pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. Another friend got "oops" pregnant last fall. Unreal. Oh and DH's cousin's wife was quickly knocked up over Christmas...they made the announcement 6 weeks along. A bit soon but whatever.

I know it's not a contest. But I'm the most competetive person ever. EVER. I will beat anyone at being competitive. It's not the most attractive personality trait. But can't you understand that spent most of 2008 planning on being pregnant, filling our nursery, picking out daycare, telling the family, taking birthing suite tours...

This has been so hard. Now the local hospital (where I'd have our baby) is pushing their baby commercials in overtime. I see them on tv and hear them on the radio constantly. 3x a day I swear! I'm getting near tears anymore when thinking about this because I'm so scared we'll never be able to have children. It is a basic human function, something we're genetically programmed for and we have been simply unable to do that job! It's an emplty feeling, one that is resonated in my mom's face each time I tell her AF came, or that the outlook of us conceiving naturally are very slim.

It's started going deeper too. I subconciously must be pushing DH away because I'm not really interested in being intimate as often as I used to. It's unfair to him and to me, I used to enjoy it, often. But now that I know that bd-ing is only for pleasure and won't work for making babies, it's so difficult to do it. I'm sure I'll need time (and maybe therapy, who knows???) but I feel like I'm failing as a wife and a best friend because it's as if everything changed when we got the MFI diagnosis.

Some days are better than others. Today, I am counting down the handful of days till AF arrives so I can call and get my Clomid perscription. DH is faithfully taking his fertility blend from GNC and we figure by this time next week, I'll be taking the meds. Oh, DH failed his important work exam three times. That means he can't take it for 6 months but his workload will be less though is pay won't change. I think he'll improve (and his count too) since the stress of studying for three months straight is done now.

I'll keep working on my issues. Hopefully once the next cycle starts, I can start getting excited again. Until then, I'll keep living...and crossing days off my calendar.

Moving Forward

I thought the template for this blog was a bit dark, with the black background, etc. So I changed it today to this new peaceful, beachy template. It gives me hope, and I feel better about most things these days.

I kind of had a brain fart on the opks over the weekend. Yes, we're taking one more natural/at-home shot at this before Clomid/IUI#1 next cycle. The opks I got online, like all the others, are smaller, skinnier, etc. So I misread a negative for a positive. Good thing I took one each day b/c Saturday's got really, really dark in the afternoon. So we tried on Sunday too. Unfortunately there was only one Preseed applicator left and we used it on Friday. I figure it'll help DH's already struggling little guys...it worked for the one time I got pregnant...so maybe our 2 big efforts over the weekend worked. I doubt it, but I'll probably get all excited once my cycle heads past the 28 day mark like it has for the past few months. 28-days till November. Then it was 32 days. Then 26 days in December. Then 32 days again in January. What the deuce, right?

I just keep ovulating later and my LP is so screwy now. Glad I'm going on the Clomid. Hopefully if the red headed sl*t comes around, she's here around the 20th or 21st instead of the 22nd or 23rd. Only because the IUI would fall on a Monday or Tuesday and I don't have those days off. I hate the thought of using a sick day on it and I'd rather go home and relax all day to allow the swimmers to do their jobs.

I am taking a work test on March 11th though so I could use the day to study at home, etc. Whew! I'm quite the planner huh? This kid will have to get used to it, even though he/she hasn't exactly followed our "plan" for the past 16 months.

So I came up with a great idea for telling DH that I'm knocked up. See, he's not drinking anymore. Yeah. No booze. You don't understand how big of a sacrifice this is for him. He had a sip of his dad's beer last Saturday and looked like a 16 year old when I looked at him. It was funny.

But my idea is as follows, though not in concrete yet: I get him a six pack of his favorite beer and wrap it. Then I include the BFP test and present it to him accordingly. The BFP can't be faint either. It's gotta be pretty obvious. Then I can have a fresh digital one waiting for him to make me prove it. Since I lost our only pregnancy a day and a half after that BFP, he may make me continue to pee on sticks till the ultrasound. I don't mind. I'll enjoy every single positive test I take and cherish it. I'd kiss each one but we all know that there will be pee on it so...if I do I'll keep it to myself. :)

Ironically though, it'll be a year to the day on March 19th when I miscarried. This year I will hopefully get my BFP within a week of that anniversary. My next AF would be due around March 20th -23rd. So I shuld know by then. What a great way to get through such a difficult time.

I Took A Self-Imposed Time-Out

I see, based on all the comments left for me, that I have a huge following (that's a little sarcasm there)...so I figure I'll update you "all" on what's been going on.

I've been moping and feeling sorry for myself lately, mainly because of the frustration of this whole testing process, and also irritated that we have to take this cycle off basically to gear up for next month's start of treatment.

Overall? DH's counts are too low to get me pregnant. Not only are they low but also confused and lazy, and misshapen. For the most part. However they're not too low that the doc doesn't feel confident about Clomid/IUI for 3 cycles.

Thus we're counting the days till AF comes (expected 2/20/09) so that I can get the Clomid and get started...I had my ultrasound (normal and awesome) last Wednesday and my HSG on Friday.

I'm not in the mood to post about it today, but the HSG was the WORST PAIN I'VE EVER FELT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. 'Nuff said there. My right (or left I don't remember I was dizzy with pain) tube was probably blocked so the doc had to push more contrast through. Now that they both look clear and my uterus is 100% normal (I asked if it was mis-shapen or tilted or anything), the doc is ready for us to begin treatment.

DH and I agreed, with the doc, that we would try 3 months of Clomid/IUI and if they didn't work, we'd find out if Dh has a varicocele. If he does he'll get it fixed. DH is also on GNC's Fertility Blend vitamin supplements so hopefully they help. He started them 2 weeks ago and they take about 3 months to take effect so it may not be seen till the IUI #3...even then, third time's a charm, right?

We told our parents about all of this on Friday and Saturday. My mom knew everything, but my dad didn't know much. I kept it low-key with my folks. With DH's parents, they had no idea we were having problems. His mom, bless her heart, gave some advice but didn't understand how much we've been through with testing and how much I know about TTC and infertility.

Then they said it took them 2 years to get pregnant with Dh's younger sister, and they went for a workup at the doctor to find out what was going on; antibiotics administered and boom. Pregnant.

I explained it's not like that, and it was hard to tell them that their son has a low sperm count. His dad said he thinks his count might have been low too, but he can't remember. It's easier if Dh can blame this on genetics.

In the meantime I'm apparently helping my brother's fiancee plan their wedding in 2 months. They had an "oops" baby, my first nephew, back in December. She got pregnant 2 weeks after I had my miscarriage. I harbor a bit of resentment for my brother in general so I'm working to get through this...wish me luck.

I Hear The JAWS Theme In The Background

I'm getting minor cramps, started about 11:15 am this morning. I know AF is coming. My bbs have stopped being sore, classic sign. And that's fine. I might have started getting excited and hoped one of DH's funny-shapen, slow moving and rare spermies found my egg and we got lucky. But now I'm in a bit of limbo. At least I can call the doctor's office and schedule the dang HSG now. The thing I'm worried about is that when I was trying to schedule the ultrasound, next Thursday and Friday were booked. How will they get me in for the HSG in time? It has to be done over CD 7-10...that'd be next Tues - Fri. Geesh. Also it would be totally awesome if they had me start Clomid too so we could do an IUI this month. That would be sweet! But I'm sure they'll say no...

However, if AF doesn't come by tonight I'm taking a test tomorrow morning. I'm a bit of a masochist I think. But if I got pregnant this next cycle the baby would basically be due 10/28/09 which is kind of close to Halloween. That is okay, I'll take a baby any day. Halloween would be tough on the kid, I'd think. Christmas would be way harder though...

I told DH about the varicocele surgery. He didn't seem to excited and said I'd owe him. For what? I'm being poked, prodded, scanned, etc. I've worried, stressed, cried (countless times) planned on being a mother for almost a year and a half now. He's sat back and said to relax. Hmmm. Not to be horrible but it's technically an issue directly related to HIM! How do I owe him?!?!?! Sorry. He can be so insensitive sometimes and says things that really irritate me. I feel badly for him and I know it's a huge hit to his ego and manhood. But how do I "repay" someone for having their problem fixed? And I thought finances were the biggest problem in marriages.

Anxiously Anticipating AF

So strange! I know, right? For the past 15 months, I've dreaded her return. It meant we failed yet another cycle. But this time, her arrival means we can start more testing and move on towards better chances of success! However, since I think I o'ed on 1/9/09 and we timed bd-ing around there, it's our last chance to do it naturally, since the doc figures IUI is our best shot.

Probably a bit TMI but I'm just not feeling her yet. My nips are kind of sore and my attitude has been less than pleasant (or patient) the past few days. So I say she'll be about 2 days late. With the early arrival of AF last month by 2 days but a late ov, who knows when she'll show? The latest I'd guess is 32 day cycle. I technically o'ed three days late based on last cycle, and since my LP is typically 12-14 days, she could come tomorrow, Thursday or Friday. But I'm wearing my trusty pantiliner and have my Super tampax in my pocket (it does look weird but I never seem to be prepared on the spot at work). I keep rushing to the bathroom to check every time I feel something. How many times have I done that since I was about 12? Sometimes though, you know. The last time it was in public, I was in a golf tournament on hole #1 when I sat down and I just knew. I kinda ruined my khaki shorts and walked funny the rest of the tournament. I also only had a mini-type “light” tampon that’s meant for a tween or something. It was horrible.

But I regress…DH is less in the dumps over this dx because I called the doc’s office yesterday to get some clarity as to what his results really mean. He basically has 2 strikes out of 3. His count is low (18.5 mil; 20 mil is normal, my doc wants to see at least 50 mil); and his morphology is bad (7%; my doc wants to see 13%+…whatever that means on the count, I know what morphology is). His motility is 50% though and that’s on the line. Doc wants 50%+ and DH has 50%. We’ll take it.

The nurse I spoke with speculates that DH has a varicocele. I googled that and found it is repairable. Apparently no urologists in our area do that kind of specialized surgery (it involves a 2 inch incision and pulling the testes out of the sack to repair and then putting it back…sounds painful and includes anesthesia).

Thus we’ll have to go to UI to have a male fertility specialist examine him and diagnose him with this condition. If it is a varicocele, then once it’s repaired his count should increase and maybe the morphology will be better too. The nurse did say that they’ll be putting me on Clomid. She also said that if I have PCOS I’ll be put on Metformin and something else. I told her that I don’t have extra hairs growing or random periods. She said that I could still have it if there’s a “pearl necklace” or visible cysts growing on my ovaries. They’ll also clear things out with the HSG. I just hope I’m okay. The tests seemed to show that…
I’ll try to keep posting. I like to run from things that suck. That means that putting them in writing makes them exist.

Cancel The Baby Parade

1. My tests normal but my glucose was 103, should be 99 or below. I was put on a low-carb, low-sugar diet and I have also been ordered to get an ultrasound and HSG before moving forward.

2. Male Factor Infertility is our culprit. DH's count was pretty low and the suckers don't move very well. So this sucks.

Doctor says IUI with Clomid is our action plan. I'm still in shock. I secretely hope that a miracle swimmer caught up with a late ovulation last weekend and I got pregnant. Will find out next week of AF doesn't show. But I'm more looking forward to her arriving so we can get the HSG scheduled and get this fricking show on the road.

DH is devestated, as am I. We just don't know what to say. His dad and half-brothers are baby-making machines. We can only speculate that DH's smoking for many years and beer drinking would be a factor. He quit a year ago with me so we can't for sure say that's the problem. This sucks though. I wish the doc would order another S/A so we can see the difference. Maybe she figures its pointless b/c how this one turned out.

I'm just so upset. We've got volleyball league so I'll go enjoy my plain grilled chicken, salad and diet coke...and maybe go home for a mixer and get trashed. This blows. It could be worse, I'm well aware there are couples out there who have it way worse and we are blessed to have options. But odds haven't really been in our favor on much...ever. So we're not so confident the Clomid/IUI will work. I guess we just need to sleep on this news. For a weekend.

And What Time Was The Collection?

This morning was the appointment for my dear husband's S/A. We had to drop off the "sample" at the hospital in our town as it was much closer than driving into the city where we work, and then he could do his thing at home.

First I was up before six to shovel our driveway and sidewalk as another snowstorm dropped about five inches of white rain (snow, get it?) all over the place. So we then had to time DH's sample especially since it couldn't be dropped off until 7am. Somehow it worked and we went to the lab. The technician asked what time it was collected. DH turned beet red and cracked a nervous smile while I was the grown-up who said "6:57 am and it's written on the cup too." He giggled all the way to the car, which I must admit was cute, in an adult-acting-like-a-teenager sort of way. It was a morning experience that I really don't want to have again. We were both late to work too because of the late lab opening and the horrible road conditions. Oh well, we figured this would happen. Since we have to stay later, it'll be another Subway night because I am sooo not cooking (we need groceries) and DH needs to study for a really important licensing exam tomorrow.

We should have those results by tomorrow and my blood test results should be in today and absolutely no later than tomorrow, so we should know by the end of the week what the final plan is. Clomid is my best guess. I just pray DH's swimmers are strong. Then the problem is not his, you know? I'd feel so bad for him if he was a factor.

Oblivious To The Snow

We're in Iowa. Yesterday was a blizzard. I was not really paying attention because all I could do is think about how thrilled I am that we're getting help and I will most likely be starting Clomid in the next week or so! How exciting is that!?!?!

DH is scheduled to provide his "sample" for his s/a tomorrow. He's already whining because we had to abstain from sex or any other fun for three whole days leading up to the analysis. I kind of feel bad for him because he's used to every other day since we're TTC-ing and he's a bit stressed with work, his MBA and a licensing exam this Thursday, so all I could do was give him a hug. He'll get over it.

A couple of things I forgot to mention in yesterday's novel of a post:

1. I took an OPK around 2pm last Thursday before the appointment. It turned a darker shade and was a typical day-before-a-positve-opk result. Which means I could have ovulated over the weekend. We "did it" Friday and Saturday, just in case. I hate to waste a month, honestly. :) But my blood test results will truly show if I did "O" or not.

2. The doc gave me a bright orange folder all about infertility with several awesome things inside: the prices for all treatment (90/10 and some 50% coverage so we're looking good financially; its affordable!), three magazines called "Conceive" (are you kidding me? A magazine for TTC-ers? Yeah, and it's amazing. If I'd known about it I would have gotten a subscription. There's another one called "Conceived" once you get pregnant. I'm getting that!!!), and all the info I need on Clomid, etc. What a great doctor!

So I'm just trying to get through this week and I should get AF next Tuesday if not by next Friday, if I actually have a 14 day LP, which I doubt after last month's debacle, but who knows, right? I just don't want a 4 1/2 week cycle. I don't have time for that!

I honestly just want to get pregnant on the first cycle so I can announce it to family and friends at Easter, which would be right around the 12 week mark. It's cuter to announce around a holiday, but I'll take anything at this point. Also we see DH's brothers and their kids and my bff (his brother's gf, long story) at Easter and I want to tell them in person.

The adventure is about to really begin now.

Update

Quickly, so you don't have to read on just yet: the appointment was perfect, everything I'd hoped for and they WILL do something.

Okay. If you're not satisfied with the Cliff's Notes version, here goes:

I got there 20 minutes early, checked in. The nervous chatter didn't impress the receptionist. I must remember to not act like a dork at the doctor's office. Or anywhere else. I guess it freaks people out.

Focus...okay so I waited for 20 minutes past my appointment time, which was really pissing me off by that point, but finally they called my name. A nurse (seriously, shorter than the doctor) led me to an exam room and started asking the basics. I pulled out my blood tests for work from 2007 and 2008, then gave her my thorough listing of medical information that is highly pertininent for infertility investigation. She asked what line of work I'm in. I told her insurance. She suggested I switch careers b/c I'd be really good there. I explained that when I get interested in something, I learn everything about it short of getting a degree.

Then the doctor came in and we got to work. She asked me the questions in very simple terms. Such as, "How long after you have a positive ovulation test do you get you period?" I said, "My luteal phase? As you can see in my chart, the average is 15.5 days." She was impressed and it sped things up nicely.

Her speculation? That I am in fact not ovulating and if I am it's all over the place. She suggested Clomid. What? Yeah. Freakin' Clomid. You should have seen my big smile. I told her that I don't think I'm PCOS based on the lack of symptoms, but she said that she wanted to do some tests. So this morning, CD 21, I had SIX VIALS OF BLOOD DRAWN at 7 o'clock in the morning.

First of all, not a big needle fan. Yes, I'm well aware that I need to get used to it but six vials on day one? Not too excited about that. I made it through though. I didn't cry and I didn't faint. That's good for me. The nurse had a crummy bedside manner though. That's for sure.

The doc also wants a semen analysis from DH. I can't even begin to explain the confusion over that one. No, we both understand what it is and how it should be done. But with our 30 minute commute to the medical center and the fact that he has to come up with a sample before 7:00 am on a weekday with zero lubrication, even saliva, he'll have a tough go of it. Oh, and no sex for 3 days prior.

I should have slept wonderfully last night since he wasn't bothering me to BD when I wasn't in the mood, but my brain was not planning on shutting off anytime soon so I maybe got 3 hours of sleep last night. That sucked.

Anyways....the doctor was great. Totally positive and even said, "We can do this, we'll get you pregnant." She's testing me for an insulin deficiency in case they have to put me on Metformin and she's also testing progesterone, prolactin, FSH levels, and some other stuff. Those are the ones I remember her mentioning.

I also asked if they do beta testing and was told that if I get a positive pregnancy test, then yes they will. So yay!!! We're on our way! I should get my results tomorrow or Wednesday, and DH's s/a results should be in no later than Friday.

Thus, we will have a complete plan by the end of this week. The doc figured that we'd start the Clomid next cycle and go for 3 cycles. I just need to get my period. For the first time in 15 months, I've looked forward to getting AF. That witch will actually be my friend. One time, only one time. :)

So the doc also said that 80% of couples on Clomid like us will have success in the first 3 months. Hell yeah!!! I got pregnant once, for 4w5d. If that can happen, imagine if we jumpstart my egg-makers!?! I just hope the tests reveal that Clomid is the answer.

Don't get me started on the multiples conversation DH and I had. He was saying he doesn't want twins, necessarily because they're expensive and time-consuming and he won't have a chance to be one-on-one with his first child. I guess that's important to him. He just came off as really arrogant and thankless for any child/children we get. He later explained that if we had more than one (please not three...too many!), he would obviously be thrilled and love them. Anyone facing down first time fatherhood with impending multiples will obviously panic. I would too, don't get me wrong. So 1% chance of triplets or more and 4-10% chance of twins. The doc said in 22 years, Clomid has produced triplets only twice for her patients. Those are pretty good odds, so...away we go!!!

I'll post the blood test results once they're in. Now I can go back to getting excited about being a mom, because I really feel like it'll happen now.

What Is This?

So I went to the bathroom at lunch because, well it had been six hours and a girl's gotta pee, okay? Well lo and behold, hello CM...where have you been? You're a few days late to boot.

It's not EWCM, but it is promising. I'll take the opk in about an hour and a half, just enough time for a solid reading before the appointment. Only two hours and thirty five minutes. Clock. Must. Move. Faster.

Remember that last day of school before summer vacation? Remember 1:10 pm and you were watching the clock? Yep. Just like that. Butterflies and smiles.

D-Day and Still Not O-Day

Only seven hours and 25 minutes until my appointment. I am freakin excited! Can excitement prevent ovulation? I even brought my last test with me to take it before the appointment today. Huge negative one last night. This is unreal. The latest I've gotten a positive result was CD17. Today is CD17. If I don't ovulate, we'll have wasted a whole month. Not like it matters, see without any CM (yeah, none yet and it would be normally drying up by now) or anything, my libido is shot. I basically asked DH to "make a donation" last night b/c I wasn't in the mood but we needed to BD. He got pretty offended and asked why I didn't want to just "hop on" and get it done. I just said forget it and we went to sleep. It's not fair to either of us to force it, right? And if I'm not even close to ovulating, and we'd done it the night before, it should be fine to skip a night.

7 hrs 23 min. Tick tock, right? I googled questions as to why I'd stop ovulating this month...I'm well aware that it is normal for women to have an anovulatory cycle once in a while. But if I didn't have that over the past year, then that's a b.s. theory. Also stress was mentioned. Well I was stressed during AF, but not after. I've been super excited, and that shouldn't transfer to stress, right? If so, that's also b.s.

Not sure what to think but I am speculating that after doing all the tests, the doc might just put me on Clomid. Neat! DH and I watched a show about a couple having sextuplets (Not Jon and Kate + 8, seen it, done with it). He was like, "No way, I could never handle that!". I said there is a slim chance but still a chance that if I go on meds that it could happen. He simply gave me a look. We've had discussions about what would happen with a multiple birth, how we would feel, etc. He prefers one child at a time he says. I have fraternal twin step-sisters and I can see how having twins would have complications, etc. But I want to be a mother, and he wants to be a father, and I'm sure that everything would work out for the best.

So I'm going to try to get through work which has been dang hard all week b/c I've been so pumped for TODAY!!!! Better than Christmas!!!! Whoo hoo!!!

I'll keep you posted. Pun totally intended. ;)

One Day Left

Seriously, on Doctor's Appointment Eve, I'm pretty pumped. Hope. That's what tomorrow is, all wrapped up with a bow. Hope.



Why do I need hope right now? Because it's CD 16 and last night's opk was negative. How late will I ovulate? How much later will af arrive? Ever since Thanksgiving my cycle is becoming less and less reliable. I went from a 28 day machine to kinda iffy with extra days or less days thrown in here and there. I guarantee that stress had something to do with it. We hosted two big dinners at our house over the holidays and had tons of stuff going on. So...that must be it.



I reviewed my post from yesterday and I see that I didn't really wrap up my thoughts completely about how irrational I am about everyone having babies. Overall in my screwed up head, everyone needs to stop getting pregnant until I do. That way I don't feel like a failure. Basically that's it. It's not really about attention or limelight. It's really more about my self-esteem and frustration with our severe lack of success in the TTC world over the last 15 months. That's all. Every day when I see more celebrities getting knocked up, I get pissed. Is that healthy? I think not.



For more on the TTC front with probably a little TMI, dh and I have switched up our bd-ing process. Instead of our every other day till a positive opk which then meant every day for three-four day schedule, we are now doing it two days, then resting one, then two days, then resting one. It's more for peace of mind as well as I need a break once in a while, physically and emotionally. Also, bd-ing didn't seem like as much of a chore from August through December. I tried really hard not to be so schedule-minded about it and get in the mood. But this month? Not so much. Maybe it's the excitement of tomorrow's appointment or the feeling of utter failure and lack of hope that this month will work that is doing it.



Last cycle, I was sure I was pregnant. Really. I fell for the early PMS as pregnancy symptoms. I didn't know that it was early PMS and that af would come two days early, etc. For the first time I told someone that I thought I was pregnant. The FIRST TIME. I didn't even tell DH that I had suspicions, mainly because he would have told me to wait and see. I told the most random of all people too; a rec volleyball teammate I've known a couple of years. I asked her when she stopped playing sports once she was pregnant; she asked if I was, I said I thought I was. Thankfully she's very discreet and though she emailed me about it (she works at the same company I do) the next week to follow up and I said it was a false alarm, she responded perfectly.

So...the rest of this entry was deleted somehow and it was really long and thought provoking. It will stay in my head I guess b/c it took about 15 minutes to type it. Dangit.

I basically talked about how DH is more supportive now but I'd like a friend to talk to about this other than my mother (I really need to stop talking to her about this stuff). Also I said that if the doctor I see tomorrow sucks, there are five other doctors there and I'll just fire her and move on if I'm not happy. I got her because she had the earliest available appointment when I called to make one on December 2nd, so...we'll see.

Tonight I'll go home, take an opk and pray that it turns positive to semi-positive to show there is some LH in my system this month, like there has been for the past 12+ months (that I know of). I'll also try to have good dreams about the appointment tomorrow. I wonder if she'll draw blood right away? I will have to get ready to be a pincushion. Did I mention I hate needles? Ha ha ha ha!!!! I'm nuts right?! Oh well, needles are necessary to give birth so, here we go!

Get With The Program

So in honor of the theme of this blog, I will share my frustration with my OPKs not giving me a positive result in a timely manner. I am now at CD 15 with extremely negative ovulation tests. Nice huh? My average positive OPK cycle day is technically 15. Since I've gotten several positives on CD 16 and/or CD 17, I will be patient. But if I don't see anything in the next two days...I'll have to go buy more since I only have three left. That's really all I can do. What will pouting do, right?

Thus, I'll continue my testing regime and see what happens. I typically get home around 6:15 pm, grab the mail and run upstairs to test, and that's pretty exciting. It would still be okay for a positive tonight, tomorrow or Thursday. But here's the deal: my appointment is this Thursday. At 3:45 pm. Did I not mention that before now? It has been a bigger deal than Christmas or New Years'! I actually cared more about it than the Outback Bowl (Hawkeye fan here, look out)! Yes I have counted down the days since I made the appointment on December 2nd. I had 36 days to get more and more excited and now it's down to 2 days! (I'm mentally jumping up and down now).

Want to know how pathetic I am? See, since there was zero indication of a possible opk and I felt nauseous yesterday, I actually went online and searched if its possible to have AF (a seven day af to boot) and still be pregnant. Yeah, I know the answer. I have read every book and website about TTC. I have opk'd, bbt'd, ate healthy, drank water and tea, used pre-seed, checked my cp and cm, taken hundreds of hpts and timed bd-ing like never before. I have also prayed and smited God at the same time. I am considered normal by all accounts. DH seems to have all of the appropriate "kibbles and bits", if you know what I mean.

All we need are some tests to at least confirm that we are normal, OR, that there is a problem that is fixable. Either way, some medical intervention would be just lovely. It would also save me from losing it.

Another wonderful personality trait that will most likely be shared on this blog is my competitive nature. It's not only bizarre but most likely unhealthy. Here's a good one - DH and I had been trying about four or five months. I'd had my chemical pregnancy by then. My mom told me my brother's girlfriend was pregnant. It was an oops. Yeah. We couldn't even have an oops. I had a bit of a breakdown in front of my mom and DH that day. It was embarrassing to say the least. Why that reaction? Because I was supposed to be first. I'm the oldest (of five). I went to college, graduated. I have a great job. I got married. I have a house. See? The checklist is complete. I did everything I was supposed to as prerequisite to having a child. Let's just say my brother was on the opposite end of that spectrum. I now have a cute little nephew, and its painful to hold him but great at the same time. I'm slowly getting over it.

However, DH's younger and only sister mentioned over Thanksgiving that she and her DH might start TTC-ing as of summer 2009. He wants to start ASAP but she's only 22 (will be 23 in May) and says she's too young. This would be another sibling near the middle of the spectrum, much closer to DH and I than my brother, but still, in my opinion, not as close as she should be. Why do I feel this way? I think it might be because I hold myself to a higher standard than others. I just feel that having your sh*t together helps when actively TTC-ing. So that's how I feel and maybe I need to change, I don't know. But this stuff is just SOME of the crap in my head on a daily basis.

On the diet front, I had a cupcake yesterday. I made a bunch for Christmas (yes, almost 2 weeks ago) and they're getting stale. I should toss them but the sugar-addict in me screamed "NO!!! It's only the first day! You ate well all day, treat yourself!!!" So I did. And it didn't taste that great. And I should just throw them out. Oh well. P.S. I haven't weighed myself b/c 2 months ago I got weighed for a work thing and the number wasn't pretty (af was in town so hopefully that had a lot to do with it) so I figure I'll weigh myself when I'm ready. Right now I'm scared sh*tless b/c when I went on the wedding diet exactly 2 years ago today (we set the date on this date too), I topped out at about 205. I'm 5'10" people. I lost 45 lbs for that wedding and I looked dang hot. But I'm pretty sure I'm up 15-20 lbs since the wedding day and if it's more, then I'll just cry, most likely. So...I'll tell you when I have a Garfield/scale moment. ;)

New Year Clean Slate

Wow, that first post was theraputic. If you're in my shoes and need to get some stuff off your chest, write it down, it sure feels good. Also, I'm sure DH appreciated me not bombarding him with my frustrations with all things TTC. Though I did have a few to many drinks on Saturday night at bowling league and decided to blab all the way home how I'll never get pregnant and we should just go back to Jamaica (went there on our honeymoon), blah blah whine whine. ;)

So. Onto the new year. Resolutions?

1. Lose between 15-20 lbs. Maintain that.
2. Stop eating so much junk food! That means the chips have to go. :)
3. Cut out between 30-50% of pop drinking. I only drink diet, but since it's a majority of my liquid intake each day, that needs to stop.
4. Exercise more. Bowling league and volleyball league will not do it. And do crunches for goodness sake!
5. Keep working on not blowing up at DH when he doesn't think before he speaks/acts/breathes. I have habit of turning all Phoenix from X-Men when he so much as tugs on one of my nerves, especially when I'm PMS-ing/thinking I have pregnancy hormones but I'm always wrong.

I think five resolutions is enough. And the first four are basically the same, in a broad sense.

Oh well. So on the TTC front, only 3 days till my doctor's appt!!!! I can't explain how excited I am. I want to hug the doctor and tell her how much I've been waiting for the day to come where she can tell me what's wrong with us and what we can do to fix it. I'm a dreamer though so don't be surprised that I'd have that fantasy. Like I'd hug a doctor prematurely. Not only would it jinx the hoped-for outcome of the appointment in the first place, but I'd probably get sent to the psych ward. Sorry, getting off track. I took a couple of ovulation test strips (internet cheapies, you know, the green ones) on Saturday (CD 12 and CD 13). Saturday's barely registered as a negative and Sundays was a miniscule step up where I didn't have to squint to see the faint line.

So I'm thinking I'll be ovulating late. Great. So AF arrives two days early last cycle after being four days late the month before, and now it's back to the late crap.

I typically have had a strict 28 day cycle with a 12-14 day luteal phase. Since November, things have been off by 2-4 days. Though I am aware this is "normal" I just don't like it. I like to know when AF is coming so I'm prepared. I don't like to be surprised by the witch and she sure did a doozy on me last month. Even though the ovulation tests are negative, DH is insistent that we keep up our "efforts" a lot. I definitely need a night off though and negative tests make me feel okay about doing that. ;)