I CAN control everything!

I am such a bitchy patient. That's why I just got back from Dr. B's office with TWO FOLLICLES!!!!! No more letting them decide what's up - I'm in the damn driver's seat now!

Ultrasound - substitute chick, hurt my vajayjay. She used the dildo cam as a weapon, I swear.

I saw the right ovary, a bunch of little follicles but none that stood out as reasonable.
Then I saw the left ovary (after she jabbed me a bunch of times) and BAM! Huge follie! I figured it was the same one as Monday that had gotten to about 30mm. Then I saw another one, a little smaller, but it looked big enough to count. It was the 10mm-er from Monday.

Lining up to 9.3 from 8 in 2 days. My lining is usually around 11 or 12 so 9.3 sounds better. It should be around an 11 by Friday.

Yeah Friday.

IUI #7 is back on!!! The big follie is 31mm and the next one is over 16mm!!!  Screw you Dr. B. You were wrong. Sure, the 8mm and 9mm follicles went away but I knew I could squeeze one more out.

And they're both on the left side where my tube should be pristine so I feel 100% better than I did on Monday. I have to take one more vial of Repronex tonight to boost that "little" one some more to push it over the 17mm minimum and then tomorrow we are triggering.

I then told Nurse Awesome But Kinda Flighty that I no longer want Clomid used in my cycles. I want Follistim or something else. She asked if I'm up for Letrozol and I said we could discuss in 2 weeks if necessary but at this point, no more Clomid. 8 cycles is enough.

So thank you ladies for your support. DH apologized when I explained his behavior was making everything worse and has been wonderful. PS, and possible TMI, we have to BD tonight, so yay for him I suppose.

My belly looks like I got hit with paintballs and that those bruises have faded - I got strange welts, then bruises from the little needles.

The Trigger is a huge needle that goes in my upper ass. That never leaves a scar or has welts. Hmmm.

Well I'm just so happy and so glad that I refused to trigger on CD12 and instead, it'll be CD15, like I thought.

Things that cheer me up: 84 days till Eclipse, and 6 days till GLEE returns!!!! Also - discount Easter candy.

ONE FOLLICLE. Just one. And 3 little ones

I haven't cried in a long time. I don't remember when - maybe it was when I was in the ER the day after Thanksgiving experiencing my ectopic pregnancy. I think that was the last time. I still haven't cried. I am doing everything I can to hold it together.

The doctor wanted to trigger today. I have a 26mm follicle on the left ovary and another small one, 10mm I think, on that one too. Then I have a 9mm and an 8mm on the right.

I told the doc that I would rather do it on our own if he was going to trigger me this early, on CD12. It's ridiculous! I'm a late ovulator! Why would he do it so soon!? He said that once a follicle gets over 20mm, the smaller ones become suppressed and the dominant one "wins". Well, I said we'd do it on our own tonight and then I'd like to keep doing the repronex for a couple more days and then another u/s on Wednesday. If it pops, then at least we got some swimmers in there and we'll BD more on Wednesday and Thursday. If not, and the big one is bigger with the smaller ones around 14mm, then he said we'd wait a couple more days and trigger Friday.

The doc doubts the smaller ones will catch up but I'd rather try this than always wonder. Most likely, no IUI this month. Fine with me.

Oh, and DH really is pissing me off. We had hotel sex on Saturday but not Friday so he whined all weekend. Then all day yesterday he kept bugging me for sex on Sunday night and demanding to have some tonight. I just want to smack him! So I texted him a bunch from the drs office to let him know what's going on and he's saying he wants to do it twice tonight.

He gets so juvenile and doesn't get that I'm near my breaking point with frustration and disappointment and he's bugging me about sex so that HE's happy. What an insensitive jerk. Typically, when the issue doesn't involve sex, he's wonderful. But with IF comes scheduled sex and he's clearly having issues with that. Even after TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

I have to pick up my meds after work b/c STUPID NURSE OLD LADY was an idiot and wouldn't give me the damn shot like the doctor told her to and she told me to go pick up my meds at the pharmacy. Well I had to go to work so now I'll get them at 5:30 when the place is closing down and then drive home to give myself a shot, nearly 10 hours later than if I'd just taken a shot this morning.

I hate all of this. I can't wait for IVF to work with people who can get me pregnant. The doc thinks I will be fine on stims but he didn't give me too much this cycle b/c he was afraid he'd over-stim me. Clearly, we have a problem and I obviously need more meds.

I am just so upset that I have nobody here to call and talk to or a friend to come over and hug me and let me just cry. I have a horny husband and my blog and even though you wonderful ladies follow me and leave such wonderful supporting comments, I still feel so damn alone. And everyone who was my friend is either pregnant or doesn't want to hear about our "problem". Especially my ex-bff who was my maid of honor and is now dating my brother-in-law. She basically ignored me all weekend and I needed her to talk with me like she did last year and if our "problem" came up in conversation she got really uncomfortable.

I. cant. wait. for. IVF.

I'm going home in a couple of hours and giving myself that shot and then i'll either break down and cry or go run. and I never run. only when I'm really upset.

CD11 - U/s tomorrow

So I got all the shots done. I got some welts around the injection sites and they are pretty sensitive, but all seems to have gone pretty well. We made it home from Indy in one piece.

DH at a "Big Ugly" 22-oz burger on Saturday afternoon at lunch with the whole family there. We all went out to eat and when he heard about the burger challenge, he had to do it. He finished it with no problem so he got his picture on the wall. Even though he's trying to lose weight, I supported his overeating for the experience with family, etc. But typically, I vote no to Hardees and other horrible places to eat. We got fat after we graduated college b/c we ate whatever we wanted all the time. We each lost about 40lbs before our wedding and we've been trying to keep it off ever since. DH nearly gained it all back but is only about 25 lbs from his pre-wedding weight. I am about 18 lbs from my pre-wedding weight but I'd be happy to lose 5-10 lbs at this point. I bought new running/walking shoes last week so that should push me to get outside now!

U/s is tomorrow - I'll let you all know how many follicles I have. We're hoping for at least 2-3 on the left ovary since the right tube is most likely screwed up from November's ectopic pregnancy. The doc won't trigger if there's more than four on one ovary. I took an LH/Ovulation test when we got home to see what that would look like. It looks like it might be positive in the next day or so. I assume I'll be triggered by Tuesday. Hopefully not tomorrow. I'd think an IUI on CD13 is a bit early.

I'm The Queen Of Shots!

Oh yeah. I stuck a needle in my stomach this morning. I was a little bit of a baby but it wasn't the shot part itself that was so scary - it was the mixing of the Sodium Chloride and the Repronex, then trying not to kill myself with an air bubble. The needle's pretty small so it wasn't that big of a deal. I put a bandaid on it though. Lol. No blood. lol. wuss.

I do have a red patch about the size of a quarter around the injection site. No other reactions so I figure it's normal. I just took the last of my Clo.mid. Next stop - injection #2 tomorrow. Now that I get what I'm doing, it shouldn't be that bad.

I'm in Indianapolis for the weekend - no I don't get to watch any of the final four games. Darn. Just visiting some in-laws (husband's family). It's pretty boring - they all know we're doing IF treatment and that neither of us can drink. Bummer is, they're all huge drinkers. I feel like such a prude when I turn them down. I did have 2 bud lites and a lemon drop shot in about 8 hours. I'm pretty sure it won't affect anything.

Okay, I'm tired. Till tomorrow - peace out.

CD7 - Closer to the shots

I can't believe I finally get to stick needles in myself in 2 DAYS!

I've wanted to move to this level of IF treatment last year. Geezus.

I don't care if it hurts. I've been through worse. I just want it to be April 20th b/c I will know by then if it worked or not.

20 days. What a long time. I hope I can fill up those days enough to keep busy.

Onto more fun stuff:

It is 75 degrees here in  western Iowa today. I went to the post office at lunch (walked). Lovely outside. Ahh. Missed that.

I'm feeling motivated to start getting up early to run if the weather's going to be like this. Maybe I'll actually lose those 10 pounds that keep hanging around. lol.

I am currently holding my breath for "Eclipse" to be released into theaters. If you didn't see it before, the countdown ticker is in the upper right portion of my blog. You may steal it if you want to. I encourage all to count down with me. I do not, however, encourage the onslaught of tween/teenage girls who go to opening night and scream their heads off the ENTIRE MOVIE, especially when a certain werewolf comes into frame. Good lord. DH hates going b/c of that but he likes the movies. Well, he tolerates them for me. *chuckle*
I hadn't even read Twilight but we went and saw it opening weekend in 2008. We had no idea why girls were screeching and laughing at strange parts. Then I read the book and kind of understood what was going on with these girls.

On the subject of movies - has anyone seen "Baby Mama"? It's a couple of years old but bear with me.
Has anyone seen "Couples Resort"?

Okay - spoiler alert for both - I just want to touch on my feelings about things in these films. I'm done after this so if you don't want to know stuff, see you next time.






So - "Baby Mama". Tina Fey, infertile, tries with a surrogate. (I saw this in the theater after our first miscarriage. I'm a masochist, or at least I was then).
At the end of the film, Ms. Infertile with the T-shaped uterus and improbable odds gets knocked up by accident and didn't even know it after having slept ONE TIME with her boyfriend.

Ladies - we would know, would we not? If you've been trying for so long, even if you took a break for a couple/few months, you'd recognize the signs at some point. We're trained to! That movie pissed me off.

Then - "Couples Resort". Watched it this weekend with DH. This couple who has been trying for TWELVE MONTHS is considering getting a divorce b/c of the IF stress or whatever. Come on. Cliche much? Try for several years then recheck your marriage status.  Anyhow, they talk their other friends to go to this resort for couples to fix their marriages. Fine. Some uncomfortable moments but we made it through. One scene, the infertile couple (finally) has some crazy, unprotected sex. Like IFers ever use protection, lol.

I held my breath, painfully, waiting for the ending where they find out they're pregnant and all they needed was to relax and go on a vacation and have wild sex to get knocked up.

And waited.

And fast forwarded through the credits to the end b/c nowadays they're adding little scenes to ends of films after the credits (X-Men much?).

The scene began post-credits and I was like, "Oh here we go - let's stereotype and then fix the infertiles!"

Yeah, just some guys peeing and chatting for 20 seconds.

I checked the alternate-ending, everything.

No "Pregnant" scene.

I went to bed happy. Leave it open-ended. Fine. Just don't try to "fix" infertiles with a vacation or "relaxed" sex. Damn hollywood.

Thoughts on this? Anyone?

Injectables for Dummies

So yesterday was my baseline. I had a 9mm-er on the right and a 10mm-er on the left. On CD5. WTF? I had one baseline last year in January. I have no clue how it went, I don't remember except that I got pregnant that cycle (I wonder if the HSG had anything to do with it?) so whatever.

Wand-time is gross when AF is in town so, TMI, I'm glad it was CD5 (almost over). The wand lady asked if I had a tampon in. I replied by asking if that's actually happened. She said yes and gave examples. I didn't need to hear those. Eww. Shudder.

After the probing I met with Nurse Old Lady Who Knows Nothing And Recently Got A Kate Gosselin Reverse Mullet Haircut. She had me sit in the non-stress testing room to watch a video on how to mix Repronex (Bravelle & Menopur) and inject yourself.

Class, does an infertile like to sit in a room where pregnant ladies sit (in luxurious leather recliners I might add)?

NO!!!! SHE DOES NOT!!!!

Good job class.

So I watched the video; Nurse OLWKNARGAKGRMH kept opening and closing the door. It was then even more difficult to concentrate. Besides I was going to be late getting back to work and when you're new at a job, absences look bad.

After the video, we went into an exam room (thank geezus but I don't want to see more pictures of frigging babies on the walls!) so she could literally show me the exact same thing I'd seen on the video. Seriously.
The equipment I'll be using is a little different than in the video but still. 40 minutes I can't get back that should be 10.

I was told to start Clomid yesterday and continue to Friday. Also on Friday I am to begin giving myself the injections. Yes, to myself. In the tummy (I'd like to say my lower abs but, chuckle, sadly that is not the case).

Well - schedule for injections:

Friday (early) a.m. - somehow remember to mix and then inject myself while DH is urging me to hurry up so we can leave for our 7 HOUR CAR RIDE to Indianapolis.
Saturday (not as early) a.m. - mix and inject myself in the HOTEL ROOM
Sunday a.m. (reasonably early) - same as Saturday and then drive home

Then I have an ultrasound on Monday afternoon.

Nurse Idiot thinks the IUI will be next Tuesday. Really? On CD13? Lady you're nuts. Not gonna happen. Wednesday at the soonest. More likely next Thursday.

Question for you lovely ladies (and if there are gentlemen you are to be commended for reading these blogs):

Have you ever taken Repronex, Menopur or Bravelle and did you consume alcohol at all? This trip to Indy is to visit in-laws and my best friend. Drinking is ALWAYS involved. If it will be bad for me in any way I won't drink but I'm afraid to call the drs office and get that stupid nurse.

Anyhoo, as all of this was going on yesterday all I could think about was posting the play-by-play here so someone could either confirm that this nurse is getting on your nerves too or if this is typical for first time injecters....

CD2 - Cycle who knows how many - Onto IUI #7

So AF arrived yesterday. Like I told the nurse it would. It was a pretty painful first day. But at least I was asleep by 10pm. That never happens.

Here's the plan so far according to Nurse Old Lady Who Knows Nothing About IF And Has No Memory Of Patient History:

Baseline u/s on CD 5 (next Monday)
Start Clomid after baseline u/s on CD 5
Start Repronex injections on CD10 - CD12
U/s on CD12
U/s on CD14
IUI #7 on CD15 (Thursday 4/8)

As far as Repronex goes, it's basically the same as Menopur. It's LH and FSH (Follistim) in a shot form and boosts the Clomid.

I guess it's a bit of a "training-wheels" cycle to see how I respond. After sleeping on it, I realized it's a bit of a combination of our plans moving forward so it's no big deal.

Maybe next month I'll get to do something other than clomid though.

Also, another blog I've been following posted last night how their first IVF cycle was a failure. That's two IVF failures I've seen in the past month in other blogs. It makes me so nervous b/c we most likely won't qualify for a package deal and will have to go cycle by cycle. If the first one fails I don't know if I can talk DH into another $12k cycle that soon.

PS: we have over 100k in student loans combined plus a house. Yeah. We are not rolling in the dough.

So.....tonight I drink. Tomorrow, I go for some shopping therapy. We'll see. But at least we're doing something totally different.

Finally - I don't think the repronex comes in pen forms like Follistim. I think I'll have to draw the stuff out of the vials and give myself the shots. In the arse. yeah. DH says he refuses to do it. Um....who else will help me b/c I can't reach my arse? Help on suggestions you wonderful ladies who have been commenting on my blog???  Or anyone passing through? Oh, to top it off, we will be out of town the weekend I start with the shots so one night we'll be alone. for the last 2 shots i'm thinking of asking my nurse sister. lol....

Sigh...the plan for IUI #7 a.k.a. "Last Ditch Effort"

So I called the doctor's office today to let them know AF is coming. The nurse asked, "Has it arrived?"
I said, "No but it will be here by the end of the day." She then asked, "Have you taken a pregnancy test?"


LADY - WHY DO YOU THINK I'M CALLING YOU???? IF I THOUGHT THERE WAS A CHANCE I WAS PREGNANT I'D BE BEGGING FOR A FRIGGING BETA!!!

So I told her the that yes I've taken several and they are all very much negative. I then asked when we should order the injectables so that if I need them this weekend they will be here in time. She didn't know what was going on (so typical) so she talked to the doc and then called me back.

Here's the plan - even though I tried to get them to be more aggressive:

CD1 - alert Dr. B's office.
CD3 (possibly CD4 or CD 5 b/c u/s days are falling on weekends) - Begin CLOMID 100mg
            - Baseline ultrasound and informational lesson on giving myself shots.
CD4 - Continue Clomid (yeah, like I want this crap some more)
CD5 - Continue Clomid (I love night sweats)
CD6 - Almost done with Clomid (hope I don't have more crazy mood swings)
CD7 - DONE with Clomid
CD8 - Begin REPRONEX injections
CD9 - Continue REPRONEX injections
CD10 - Complete REPRONEX injections
CD11 - Ultrasound
CD13 - Ultrasound/probable trigger
CD14 - Probable IUI #7

The doc is afraid to go nuts with the injectables on me b/c it would be better to get 2-4 follicles than to waste all this money and give me OHSS. So I have to respect and appreciate that. I guess the Repronex is a booster to the Clomid.

I'll keep you all posted.

But I'm calling the IVF clinic tomorrow to schedule an appt for May, hopefully one that is on the same day as DH's follow-up with his Urology/Fertility specialist. DH's doc and the IVF clinic are in the same complex/hospital.

Grrr. I'm going to get some wine now. And chocolate. And potato chips.

F.uck this sh.it.

Sorry for the cursing. I'm just really pissed and fell for fake symptoms. Something I rarely have done since our first year of trying.

I Just Woke Up...

Stupid Equate tests. Must've been faulty. All tests (FRERs, Dollar Trees) are negative. Stark frigging white negative. Today is 13dpiui/14dpt.

Onto injectables and all out of pocket to boot.

Screw the progesterone tonight. I quit if I'm not going to need it. AF should arrive on Thursday like clockwork.

I'm really fricking pissed. It's going to take at least a few days to get positive again.

Now, for the THIRD YEAR IN A ROW, I get to travel to Indy to visit DH's brothers (wives and kids too) for easter and no pregnancy or baby to show for it.

I'm near tears. I can't do this anymore. I just want to move onto IVF. I'm calling them at lunch on Thursday when AF shows. I'll try to get an appt for May.

I'm going to sulk now. If the last of my FRERs is negative tomorrow (14dpiui) I'll be buying a bottle of wine and enjoying it.

Saturday the 27th is our one year anniversary of our 9-week sudden loss. I swore to myself all last year that I'd be pregnant or have a baby by the time 3/27/10 came around. It was the only way to survive last year. I was so depressed.

Sob.

Now I have nothing.

I wish I could just go home and get drunk. But I get sadder when I drink so I have no clue what would make me happy.

This cycle's failure is so painful.

I like this dream...11dpiui/12dpt

Got up around 8:30 am....tried to use the CBE but turns out it's a digital one. My mistake. So I got out the Equate EPT. Took it. Faint line again. I've NEVER SEEN this past 10dpiui/11dpt when it's negative. So then I took the digital. Negative. That's fine, I have never gotten a positive on a digital before 12dpo and 13dpiui. So I'm not panicking.  But my nips are getting sensitive. OMG please let this be happening. Not a chemical, not an EP, but finally a success.

I'll probably be a nutcase and go to the local drug store for more tests this afternoon. My afternoon tests have always been darker. lol....I guess it might be worth dropping $20-$50 on hpts this month huh? lol....  They may be faint but I know it's early. If this continues and I get to a beta (I won't ask for one till I get a positive digital if it's before 14dpiui), then I might breathe a teensy bit.

Goals for pregnancy for fertiles: stock nursery, wear cute clothes, don't get too sick, give birth.
Goals for pregnancy for infertiles: get positive hpts. get positive betas that rise appropriately. make it to first ultrasound. confirm uterine pregnancy. make it to heartbeat ultrasound. make it past the latest you've ever gotten if you've had an early miscarriage. Make it past first trimester. make it to viability at 24 weeks. make it into third trimester. give birth to live baby.

Sad huh? But that's what happens when it doesn't "just happen".

Here are the pictures of this morning's tests:

If this is a dream, I don't want to wake up...

We went to Walmart. DH didn't even try to stop me from buying HPTs. I got a 3-pack of Equate EPTs. More blue-liners. But no cross on this one. Either there's a line or there isn't.

It's official for today at least. 10dpiui. Positive.
I will take a CBE and the Equate tomorrow. If they show a positive sign I'll take another digital. Please don't let this be the trigger. Please.

10dpiui/11dpt

Okay. So I made it as far as today. For me that's pretty darn good. Got up at 9 (was wonderful to sleep in but I had some super-scary dreams. However in one part of the dream I was reading my blog but it was a post a week away. I must have time-traveled or my blog did. In the dream it said I was pregnant with 2 babies. The "future" post was over a week in the future. So when I woke up I knew I had to test. Even though it's early).

I had 2 CBE's come in the mail from Ebay a couple of days ago so I figured I'd test today and then tomorrow morning. If anything got worse, then it was the trigger. If it got better, then it would be legit.

For the first time, I have some pics for you:

(Ignore the date/time stamp. I'm trying to figure out how to change that. Pics taken around 9:30 am. lol....)



Let me explain. The CBE has a faint bfp. Even DH sees it. On camera it's pretty darn hard to see. But we see it so I suppose that's all that matters. The only other time I got any kind of bfp on a CBE on 10dpiui/11dpt was last November when I had the ectopic. And that beta was a 10 on 13dpiui. Anyways, I then took one of my 3 remaining digitals. If it was "Not Pregnant", then any "Pregnant" results in the coming days would not be trigger-related. I will take one tomorrow if the CBE is positive again.

NO DOLLAR TREE TESTS! Grrr. Once I get a good beta, THEN I'll get some DT tests and start watching them get darker. Until then, screw them and their imprint lines. Giving false hope...

I have some FRERs coming in the mail soon...hmmm let me check on that now...hold on.
Okay it was in NJ on Thursday. So I'd think it'd be here by today or Monday. Anyways, I'll probably be an obsessive POAS-er now and when DH and I go into town today to get NEW MOON!!!!! Whoohooooooo....at Walmart, I'll hop over to the HPTs and get some secretly. Lol. Just to mix it up. Then I'll probably take a test that has the non plus-sign just to be sure this isn't a joke.

Here's where my now semi-optimistic attitude has come from: I get REALLY PMS-y by about 5-6dpiui. It continuously gets worse till AF shows. I've been in a super fantastic mood since getting back from the RESOLVE conference. This was my first week back at work. I was exhausted all week but I didn't snap at dh like I normally do. I know I'm a terrible wife. But I think that b/c of my happiness over the past week or so, things have been great! Also, DH has said since Tuesday that he is sure it worked b/c I've been in such a good mood. Yeah he tracks my bitch.iness. Lol....

So.....I'll let you all know what transpires.

But as of today, I'm happy.

New Job update

First day went great, so did today. I love the ladies I work with and everyone is so nice. I have my own office. With a door. That I can shut. There are windows everywhere. I have worked in a frigging BASEMENT in a CUBICLE for 4 years. This is quite the step up. I'm the only person in both my family and my husband's family who has an office with a door. Neener. At least I've got something going for me.

Today is my 1/2 birthday. Go me. I had taco bell for lunch. Woo.

TTC update: today is 6dpiui/7dptrigger. No I haven't tested yet. Not even after the trigger shot to get a fake bfp to make myself feel good. I will be good. I'm trying really hard. I have about 4 hpts coming from ebay though. lol. The trigger should be out by Sunday so I'll probably start testing by then. Obviously, I will announce anything that is significant. Or even not significant.

And I don't want to use Dollar Tree tests unless I get a positive on a legit test. Those things suck balls. Stupid imprint line.

Resolve conference was AWESOME!

It was totally worth going. DH and I feel so much closer; there was one session where they talked about how one person in the marriage is about a year ahead of the other regarding infertility and awareness of it, treatment goals, etc, and only when you catch up to the other one is when it is easier to move forward as a couple. I know it sounds DUH but it's true and hearing that helped so much because we are FINALLY caught up after 2 1/2 years and it feels so good.

We saw an actual RE. Yes, not our OB/GYN who is covered by insurance, but an actual RE. We had 15 minutes with him. Typical time for an appointment anyway, right? So we got a private room with him, gave him the quick overview of our history, and he agreed that what we've done and what we plan to do (one more IUI but with injectables and if unsuccessful go to IVF) is exactly what we should do. I raised concerns about my current and past treatment, he seemed to think that we've done fine and oh my god it helped so much. Also, DH is only at the urologist appts (duh they're for him) and the IUIs. He's not there for the follie checks, trigger shots, questions I ask the doc, etc. So this weekend was such an eye opener to him. The IVF overview was amazing too. Remedial for me, but there were people who have been through it on the panel, telling their stories, an IVF nurse, a slideshow...all things DH hasn't been exposed to. He doesn't stalk the internet for info like me, surprise.

He even wore a sperm pin. Yes. A gold sperm pin with a green eye. Where else can you embrace your infertility? At a RESOLVE conference. It's like being a lesbian at a gay pride parade or something. Or in a room of fans of your favorite team. You all feel the same things, experince similar/same things, and it's such a breath of fresh air.

No we didn't win any of the prizes, but we got a weekend away and learned so much about ourselves and how to cope and also succeed with our infertility. SO worth it and if you are ever considering going, I strongly recommend doing it.

TTC note: started progesterone supps last night. Still no fun. DH is beyond optimistic that this cycle worked. I believe 100% that it didn't. Right side tube is f-ed up, one follicle on the right side...hmmmmm. We'll see.

RESOLVE conference

Well we will leave in about an hour to drive from iowa to minneapolis. 4 1/2 hours in the car. Not looking forward to that part of the trip but i'm hoping so much that we win something tomorrow, especially the ivf cycle. man. well there should be free wi-fi at the hotel so i'll plan on posting something but if i don't then you'll hear from me soon and i'll tell you ALL about it.

wish us luck.

btw this 2ww sucks already. 2dpiui. i just know it didn't work.

1dpiui

So DH has agreed to injectables. Without a long conversation. Crazy stuff. Obviously we hope/need this cycle to work but if it doesn't we have a plan. Injectables. Finally.

Doc says that if we breach 4 follicles he may cancel the trigger and iui for fear of OHSS and rupturing my ovary. Um, that sucks. I want 10 follicles! lol... they also said that some people may only get 1 follicle but i said that clomid did that already and i want to boost our odds and injectables are our best bet and bang for our buck (likely $1,000).

Fingers and toes crossed that we win the IVF cycle at the RESOLVE conference this weekend. Or even the meds. Sheesh.

IUI #6

30-35 million post-wash. Still 1 follicle. Hope this works. I'm pushing dh for injectable cycle next month.

One. Just one.

Yeah. That's all. One damn follicle. Right ovary. 2 follicles at 9 and 11mm on left side.

I freaked. S/w Dr. B. He agrees to do injectables next cycle. DH wants to increase clomid once more.

Follicle Check today

So - any one in a betting mood? My Clo.mid was doubled these past 2 cycles from 50mg to 100mg. I had the same response last month as I did to the 50mg: 2 follicles.

We want at least double that!!! Both were on the right side last month with the probably screwed up tube so this month...inhale, exhale, we are really really really hoping for more than 2 follicles and that at least one if not a majority are on the left side.

I will still be TELLING, not ASKING for an injectable cycle next month if this doesn't work. We have to be more aggressive. Also, if this month is a bust, I'm calling the IVF clinic to get us in.

My cousin's wedding is in August. We will HAVE to start IVF by then. I don't want to be doing injections or traveling during a cycle or in the 2ww. I also don't want to be needing to do betas or ultrasounds while I'm in, of all places, freaking Arkansas. No offense to ANYONE from Arkansas. But that's pretty far away for an IFer to be needing her daily fix of the following: betas, poas-ing, progesterone suppositories, ultrasounds or immediate access to her doctor.

So. Either I will be sailing through pregnancy during this wedding trip or we will take a break that month. I will not be psyched about option #2.

I know. It's five months away. Things can change. But I'm a planner! And with that deadline fast approaching, we need to do something.

Pregnancy Announcement - not mine...

A married couple that we are friends with have been trying for a few months to get pregnant. We got a text yesterday saying this: "Just letting everyone know we are expecting (name witheld) is 3 months along."  Oh. Thanks. Since you have known about our IF for TWO FREAKING YEARS but you sent me and DH a mass text. You couldn't have called or texted me directly or emailed me. I've been avoiding these people for almost a year b/c they were going to start trying and I didn't want them to tell us in person when they were expecting.  Well they went to the other end of the spectrum. Thanks. So much.

There is one other person who I'm competing with to get pregnant. SIL. The one who still goes on drinking and smoking binges with her husband and gets arrested for public intox. August is a bit of a deadline b/c DH might be taken off Clo.mid by then and my cousin is getting married that month and as she is a couple years older than me, she WANTS A BABY. So we have about 5-6 months to get KU.

If SIL gets pregnant before me I. WILL. LOSE. IT.

DH is actually willing to let me talk Dr. B into letting me do an injectable cycle next month for our out of pocket IUI #7 if necessary. He is also wrapping his head around IVF. Finally.

We will be broke but we will have a baby/babies.

I also don't drink anymore. Ever. Maybe a beer or two a MONTH but never. I'm afraid if I start I'll never stop. The same goes with crying. I don't cry anymore. Every day I get a lump in my throat several times but I push it down b/c if I cry, then I won't stop. I have to keep it together and believe that sometime this year, we will be pregnant and stay pregnant.

I wish we had IVF coverage AND counseling coverage.

Something Positive

I got the job!  Same salary as my last job AND I'd get overtime if I work over 40 hours!!!!! I start on March 15th so yay me!! At least something is going right.

As far as IVF coverage, I doubt there is any; it's a high-deductible program so even if they did, we'd be paying a lot out of pocket. I'll ask more on Monday when I talk to the lady that offered me the job. She called this afternoon and said they loved me! I also think this job will be so much better than that craptastic one I had before I got laid off.

I talked to Julie from the RESOLVE conference tonight and she gave me tons more info. We are going and I"m booking the hotel tomorrow. I'm so excited! There's a bunch of breakout sessions and one is "Guy 101". Well it's at the same time as the IVF info session so DH is demanding to go to the IVF one instead of the Guy talk thing so he can learn about IVF from someone other than me. It sounds so great and I figure DH and I will bond over this experience. I'll share everything I can with you, my legion of followers. lol....

IUI is next week. Last one covered by insurance (at 50%, jerks). We don't pray often but it's gotten to that point.

March 13th

So DH and I are strongly considering going to the RESOLVE Family Building Conference next weekend in Minneapolis, MN.

We could win a free IVF cycle. I called the lady on the website to find out how many couples/people usually go to these things. Maybe our odds will be better. I also had a daydream that we went but as usual, we didn't win what we wanted. But the couple who won could never have children and were there for the adoption sessions and info and they would give the IVF cycle to us. Okay for this to happen, the wife would have no reproductive organs and no chance of a surrogate to carry a donor baby; her husband has zero sperm, you get the picture? Yeah. I'm pretty pathetic. Like an IF-er would ever not take a free IVF cycle? Lol...

So I'll let you know if we go; but DH wants to go so it's hard to turn him down if he's interested in learning more. And a weekend away in a hotel? Yeah...he likes that idea.

*Side note, I had my second interview yesterday and they will call me next Monday to let me know about the job either way. I bet I get it. I feel really confident.
DH was one of 2 people up for a job recently and didn't get it. So we never know what will happen but when he got the call telling him they went with the other guy, he was pretty devestated. It reminded me of the monthly devestation I've dealt with for the past 2+ years. Maybe that's why he decided to go the RESOLVE conference.

Maybe a Job?

So the interview went great and the lady said she wants me to come in later this week for a second interview to meet with the head litigation paralegal and one of the firm's partners. I'm not sure if I mentioned before but this job is for a litigation paralegal at a law firm in the "city". I live in a "town" about 20 minutes away.

I'm sure they'll offer it to me. IVF coverage sounds totally doubtful. They have a required HSA (healthcare spending account) where you basically pay thousands in a deductible then anything over that is covered. I'm sure I'll stick with DH's coverage. Same doctors are covered but the law firm's sounds pretty bad.

I'll let you all know if I get the job. Clomid is doing fine. For the SIXTH cycle using it. The hot flashes at night are the worst. No real mood swings.

AF is almost gone. I wish we could do IVF now. I'm sick of all the IUIs. Clearly they're not going to work and there's something wrong with me....

Moving Along

It's CD4. I took my Clomid yesterday. I will take it tonight. And tomorrow. And Tuesday and Wednesday. So...that's about it. No job yet. I have an interview tomorrow afternoon. I have a hair appt in the morning to look awesome. And I need my hair done.

I wish we could just move onto IVF in April or May.

In Other News

Since IF shouldn't be the driving force of my daily existence, I thought I'd share a little more about me, other than the fact that I can't get/stay pregnant.

I come from a blended family of seven. I have three stepsisters and a biological brother. Of my three stepsisters, two are fraternal twins. Just thought I'd throw that out there. So I'm 27, my next sibling, "R", is my 25 year old stepsister, then my brother "G" who is 24, then my twin stepsisters, we'll call them "Kathy" and "Krissy", who are also 24. So we're all pretty darn close in age.

My brother is married to "K" with an "oops" son (my only nephew), and three stepkids. My sister R is getting married next April to her longterm boyfriend, now fiance, so it's been fun to help her plan that. My sister Kathy (we don't call her that but it's the only option to keeping her identity anonymous, as best I can) is about finished with her EMT training. Krissy is police officer whose jerk of a boyfriend sometimes visits her but overall cheats on her and treats her like crap, as well as the rest of the family. We all hate him and hope they never get married.

My mom married my step-dad in 1995 and our family was officially blended. He's my dad though. My "father" is not a part of my life. He is, however, a big part of G's life so I have to deal with that. The good thing is, my father lives in Washington state and I live in Iowa. So I don't have to see him.

Well, the mail is here so I'll go check that out and I need to keep cleaning. I also should go get some groceries so peace out. It was nice not whining about not getting pregnant for five minutes.

And to the lovely ladies who have been supporting me, I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me. I have NOBODY here I can talk to about any of this and DH is just, well, it's beating a dead horse talking to him. So if I could give you a hug I would - I really mean it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish the best for you and anyone reading this - the more babies the better!

Negative - Damn

So all evidence points to another big fat failure. The tests are blindingly negative today. AF will start on Thursday. One more cycle is covered by insurance. Only at 50% though so it's basically another hundred dollars or maybe even two hundred  for more out of pocket so we can't complain.

What to do if it doesn't work though? Frick. IUIs seem to be a waste of time. But without a job or coverage for IVF, it's not sensible to just jump right in. We really need something to go our way. For once.

Nothing Yet

Got up at a decent time, got dressed after taking Dollar Tree hpt again. There wasn't just an imprint line, something screwed up the test, it was all squiggly. So instead of taking another one, I went to the local drug store and got manilla envelopes for mailing job applications and 2 boxes of hpts. One was the cbe-like tests from the store. The others? FRERs. Yeah. So $20 later, I'm home tearing open those suckers like it's Christmas. Negative. I think. The CBE wanna be was inconclusive and the FRER wasn't obvious but I thought I saw something.

It's 12dpiui. I have 2 more days. But as we all know, there should be something there by 13dpiui. That's tomorrow. I have 2 more store-bought tests and about 4 Dollar Tree tests.

Damn. It better work next month. 3/27 will be a very tough day for me (one year since losing our baby at 9 weeks) and I don't know how I'll make it through this year if I don't get pregnant and stay pregnant.

In Limbo

Not much to update. Took the dollar tree hpt this morning, still looked faint but could also be that dang imprint line. I think I'll break down and go buy a test tomorrow at the local drug store. I figure the digital might work by the afternoon (b/c tomorrow's 12dpiui and last year I got a BFP on digital at 12dpo).

We'll see I guess. Trigger should be out by now. Oh, I've been taking OPKs since yesterday and they got darker. I thought that's what happened last month too but BFN so we'll see. If something changes either way I'll post...

Testing Out Trigger...

Dollar Tree HPTs suck and are awesome. They suck b/c they have an imprint line so a faint positive and an imprint shadow look like the same thing. I have 3 digitals left. I will do one tomorrow if the dollar tree test looks darker than it does today. But, the digital 12dpt was negative last month so if the dollar tree test is decent, then I'll waste a digital tomorrow.

Way to rationalize your poas obsession Christa. Wow.

I cheated and took one on Thursday instead of waiting for Friday. Good thing though b/c it was a faint/dark positive so I can work off of that one. I have also discovered that an HPT taken at 12:30pm has the best result and that first morning pee sucks for me.

So, I will do my best to avoid pharmacies and drug stores over the next 24 hours b/c I really really really want to go buy some FRERs and CBEs. I trust them over Dollar Tree tests when it comes to early (obsessive) testing.

Tomorrow is 11dpiui. I figure the real results will start showing by then or Monday at the latest. I had a dream the other night that AF started. Damn...I'll keep all you blog stalkers posted.

*Also - I watched "All About Steve" last night with DH. Funniest/most creative term for coke? "Booger Sugar".

Pregnant women are smug :)

I couldn't help it - no offense to anyone but this how I feel about those who get pregnant without dealing with IF. Not about all of those women, just those who act like this...

Holding Back The Urge

I'm waiting till Friday to test. I just have to keep telling myself that. One year, about to the day that I found out I was pregnant (2/20/09)...I must test on Friday. That way if the trigger is out, then Saturday (2/20/10) might be positive. If the trigger is not out till 12dpt (next monday the 22nd) then I must test it out...I figure that if I get a positive on a digital by next Monday, then I'm golden. DH is buying my 10 Dollar Tree hpts today or tomorrow. I wanted to buy them yesterday when I was in town but I resisted. Otherwise I would have used them by now. Silly, obsessed, poas-addict. Sigh.

Well, back to cleaning the house. Counting down the days....I am testing Friday a.m.....but knowing me I'll probably test in the a.m. and p.m. So maybe he should get me 20 tests....lol. OK not very funny.

Worst case scenario? I use them up by next Tuesday. But I have digitals left. A positive on 14dpt/13dpiui is legit. 50+ hcg at that point.

Countdown:
Wed 2/17/10 - 8dpt/7dpiui
Thu  2/18/10 - 9dpt/8dpiui
Fri   2/19/10 - 10dpt/9dpiui
Sat 2/20/10 - 11dpt/10dpiui
Sun 2/21/10 - 12dpt/11dpiui (trigger should be out by today)
Mon 2/22/10 - 13dpt/12dpiui (result should be final by this point, positive or negative)
Tue 2/23/10 - 14dpt/13dpiui (beta?)
Wed 2/24/10 - 15dpt/14dpiui (beta?)
Thu 2/25/10 - AF due/Beta?

Please let this cycle work.

Follow Up With Urologist

Here were the stats on the s/a (which doesn't include morphology so why do we bother but whatever):

100 million overall count
35% motility (down from 51% in November 09)
35 million total motile

The doc said that DH can stay on the Clomid but only for about a year to 18 months. That puts our deadline starting around August to February 2011. The doc said that if we want to use our last covered IUI then that's fine but he's done all he can with DH and recommended IVF. He left the room to make a copy and that's when DH was all, "Well I guess we might do that in the next 8-10 months but you'll have to have a job. Besides we really can't afford it." To which I replied/freaked out by saying, "Um, no. We've been trying too long and clearly there is something wrong with me and if this IUI or March's IUI results in resounding failure, and as long as I have a job at that time, I'm making us another IVF consult appt. Except this time we won't cancel it (due to ectopic)." 

So: personal timeline - Feb IUI (in the works); March IUI (#6 and last one covered). We talked about it afterwards and agreed that the first two IUIs were a waste with 2 million post wash and one had a cyst, not a follicle. So we'll probably do 2 more IUIs out of pocket. By May, if there no success, we'll do an IVF consult.

I'm at peace with that plan. However, 3/27 is coming up. It's the anniversary of my miscarriage from last year (9 weeks) and our only non-chemical/non-ectopic pregnancy and since I made it through the last year by promising myself I'd be pregnant by that date, I'm feeling a bit of pressure.

Oh, and I had a job interview today. We'll see if I get the job. I'll find out in about 2 weeks, maybe a month. At least I had an interview. Only took 6 weeks to get one.

PUPO

I am Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise as of today. I have ovulated and the eggs only last 18-24 hours and since I had my shot on Tuesday, time is up. I start my progesterone supps tomorrow morning (yay) and wait until next Friday to start testing out the trigger. I swear I will wait this time b/c I wasted HPTs from 7dpiui-10dpiui and the trigger wasn't out till 11dpiui. So next friday is 10dpt, 9dpiui. I will use dollar tree hpts b/c I didn't buy any internet cheapies or discount CBEs or FRERs on Ebay this time. Unemployed/laid off, can't afford it.

I purposely didn't buy any tests yesterday when I was at the Dollar Tree so that I wouldn't be tempted next week. I will go into town next Thursday and buy 10. Yes 10. I'm a nut.

BTW I was up with DH last night lamenting our pathetic excuse for a sex life b/c we've had to "schedule" bd-ing for over 2 years now so it's pretty hard to be "spontaneous" when we know we have to "do it". He said that he hopes that this cycle is a resounding success or a monumental failure so that we can have a chance to go back to the way things used to be. Silly boy. He has no idea that things will never go back to how they were in college or before we started TTC-ing/got married. But I do agree that it would be nice to only BD when we were "in the mood" instead of "following the schedule".

It's hard to feel sexy when you enter the room with a tube of Preseed and a pillow. LOL.....

Sidenote

I've mentioned SIL before, how she and her husband are now TTC, and how I feel about all of that.

Guess what? They got locked up this past weekend for public intox!  Her husband already had an OWI a few years ago too. They are not ready for a baby.

She still smokes and drinks (heavily, obviously) and says she'll quit when she gets pregnant. Basically they think what's happened to us won't happen to them. Jerks.

Well I think she has PCOS and that her husband has a low sperm count. Good luck a**holes!

Normal Sperm Count!!!

35 million post-wash. That was the answer from the doc about an hour ago. Are you kidding me!!!!????

IUI #1: 2 million post-wash, BFN
IUI #2: 2 million post-wash, BFN
IUI #3: 8 million post-wash, BFP (ectopic)
IUI #4: 15 million post-wash, BFN
IUI #5: 35 million post wash, ????

Nuts! Just absolute pandemonium in the exam room for us today (well, not really pandemonium, more high-fives and smiles really)...my doc's office wants 20+ million post-wash to consider it "normal". I believe this would be a situation where DH would be an overachevier.

Who knows folks? This might be the one? Dr. E (a sub b/c Dr. B was delivering babies) was very nice and quite positive so we felt really good when it was all done. I did tell DH though - "this room smells like sex" and laughed when I was getting dressed. He laughed. It didn't smell like anything but alcohol wipes but I thought it was funny.

2 follicles. 35 million sperm. Game on infertility.

Ultrasound results

2 follicles (I know - only 2???) on the right ovary. One is 28.3mm and the other is 17mm. I got triggered around 10:30am. The IUI (#5) is tomorrow around 3pm. I wish my doc did the IUIs 36 hrs after trigger but oh well. I do what my coverage allows. But the giant follicle indicates I may ovulate tomorrow anyhow...I took an OPK this morning and it was not positive so who knows? But I haven't had a follie this big in FOREVER!

Dr. B isn't available for the IUI tomorrow so I'll probably get another doc. I doubt and hope it's not Dr. M (the one I "fired" after the ectopic last November). Awkward!

Great Expectations

Random thoughts -

I want to apply to the Sheriff's Dept or State Patrol if I don't get pregnant by March. That way I can do the 12 week academy and take a TTC break. DH's sperm will suck for about 3 months after our March cycle. Logic problem? TTC break will allow SIL to get pregnant before us. Full on panic will ensue.

There better be at least 2 follicles at my Tuesday u/s. The doubled Clo.mid resulted in worse mood swings and plenty of night sweats/hot flashes. Also we MUST GET PREGNANT by March so that it's before the 3/27 deadline of our 9 week loss of last year which I promised myself I would be pregnant or have a baby on that date; and our insurance only covers 2 more IUIs at 50%. After that it'll cost a pretty penny to have more. These were lifetime coverages.

I must find a job that has IF coverage b/c our current coverage, as I said before, is running out.

Panic is already setting in on the job front - not one interview in 30+ days of unemployment. Severance ran out on Friday. Unemployment "benefits" are 50% of what I was making. Damn economy.

I'll give the update on Tuesday once I get the follicle results.

Status

Almost done with the Clo.mid. The mood swings and hot flashes are here and making themselves known. Unavoidable.

IUI is next week!!!! I'm starting to get hopeful again. I was so down in the dumps when AF showed. Now that things are changing (increased meds) it makes me want to think positively...so I'm trying.

DH is fine still - I'm sure it sounds awful but I'm tired of being nursemaid. Hopefully he can kind of BD next week. TMI but it's been awhile!!!

Set Them Straight

Called Drs office this morning to reschedule my u/s b/c they're all idiots.
Conversation:

Me: I was just calling to find out why my u/s is on CD14 instead of CD13 per the usual appt day.
Nurse: It is on CD14.
Me: No...let's count off the days. Thursday January the 28th was CD1. Then we go Friday is CD2, Saturday is CD3, Sunday is CD4-
Nurse: -oh I see what happened, January 31st was overlooked. Gee it's so close to the 1st...
(at this point I was wondering how in the world anyone in this department is legally allowed to treat anyone, medically....or drive, walk, breathe, etc. Can no one read a calendar!?!?)
Me: Yeah, this isn't the first time it's happened.
Nurse: Okay so we'll set you up for Tuesday February 9th. 10:30 am okay?
Me: Yes thank you very much.

I'm surrounded by morons. I swear. If I wasn't paying attention to my cycles, days, etc, I can only imagine how much time and money I would have wasted in letting my dr's office screw things up. And should I wager that I'd still have to pay all the bills? Yes...I would. Jerks.

More Clomid - More Babies?

Dr. B finally doubled my dosage of Clomid. I typically get 1-2 follicles. I am praying for 4+ follicles at my next u/s appt. Am I nuts?

I took my first 2 pills last night. I am counting the days till I get to meet up with the di.ldo cam. I'll take multiples at this point - I am about to lose it.

Oh, did I mention that when I got pregnant last year in February, the date of conception was February 9th? Well for this cycle, the u/s will need to be on 2/9/10. The IUI would be on 2/10/10.

Way to mirror the most wonderful/tragic event in my life. The due date would be 11/4/10. Last year's due date was 11/2/09.

What if it works again? Do you think I'll be freaking out much by the nine week mark? Sigh...

Cycle # ? / IUI #5

I got my appts set up for my u/s and the IUI. Of course they screwed up and set up the u/s for CD 14. It needs to be on CD 13. So I'll go fix that on Monday. Idiots.

The good news is that the Doc finally upped my Clomid to 100mgs!!! We better have several follies in 2 weeks's time.

Game back on.

DH is doing fine. Whiny but fine.

Big Fat Failure

IUI #4 will go down in our history as a massive failure. How the heck does it take 12 frigging days to get the trigger out of my system!

I'm in DH's hospital room right now as he's sleeping after his ACL surgery. The anesthesia made him sick so they gave him anti-nausea meds that have made him super-drowsy.

AF arrived in full force while I was waiting for recovery to FINALLY CALL ME AFTER TWO HOURS...jerks. I started freaking b/c he was supposed to be out of recovery and 2 hours later they finally call to tell me they were keeping him longer b/c he was puking.

So cramping is major bad - took four Aleve. Suck it "directions on the bottle". I take four. It better work. I am in so much pain that I want to crawl into bed and sleep through CD1-CD3 b/c of the cramps. But I cant. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night. DH's been sleeping for basically the last seven hours and I'm about to pass out.

I called Dr. B's office to let them know I need my clomid refilled for this next cycle (who knows what cycle we're on - it's nearing thirty though) and I officially asked to increase it from 50mg b/c we need as many follicles as we can get for these last two IUIs that are covered under insurance.

I'm waiting for a call back from the nurse who said she'd talk to Dr. B about it. I'll take anything - even injectables! Give me a baby!!!

I Think I'm Out

Dollar tree was negative this morning. The EPT seemed to have a faint positive but i'll test again this afternoon because i'm crazy....then I'll test again tomorrow. If it's negative tomorrow then I'll know I'm out. Oh well - like I'd ever get lucky enough to actually get pregnant when I really need to.

Is It the Trigger???

11 days past trigger, 10dpiui. Faintest BFP but it's there on internet cheapie and a dollar tree test. I've tested every day since 7 days past trigger and they're all positive, just getting a little fainter each day (FRER positive yesterday mid-day). I'm nuts. Maybe it's real. Maybe it's still the trigger. If I get a BFN tomorrow then I'll know for sure. But if not then I'll start actually getting excited. Then I will wonder if its twins. Lol.  

I'd post pictures but if anyone reads this they've seen what I'm seeing. If I get a BFP on a digital - I will post it.

I Am Pathetic

I lied about testing out the trigger starting this upcoming Friday. I started on Sunday. 5dpt. What the hell is wrong with me? I used a dollar tree test on Sunday, then yesterday (I took Monday off somehow) an internet cheapie. Still positive. Hmm. Okay so I took one today. It's identical to yesterday's positive. Today is 8dpt, 7dpiui.

I'm sick - because it's not lighter, I somehow have convinced myself that it'll stay positive past the 10dpt mark, then keep right on trucking to a positive digital test. Just like the ectopic in November but this time not ectopic.

I really really really want Dr. B to get me an u/s right away so that we can see a gestational sac in the uterus.

See what I'm doing to myself? There should be a special medication for TTC-ers in the 2ww.

Also - watched "Julie & Julia" last night with DH. It was great. I felt bad for "Julie" because "Julia" didn't like her blog; didn't think she was a serious cook or something. Well I googled the crap out of both of them and turns out "Julie" got a book deal (duh) and then she had an affair with someone at the publishing company and then wrote a book about that. I am no longer a "Julie" fan but I still am a big "Julia" fan.

If you're confused, please comment - it'd be nice to hear from someone.    Anyone.......

Not Much to Say...

I'm freaking out about being laid off. I hear about upcoming openings at great companies but they won't be posted for a couple of weeks. I don't have much time left in the severance pay. I can't afford to only have unemployment unless we get our W2s in soon so we can get our refund. MIL told me the other day that we shouldn't get pregnant while I'm laid off. LOL. If she only knew. It'd be stupid to take a break now. I've thought of going the route of law enforcement - 3 months of the academy. Then what? Get pregnant and have kids? That's not going to work into anyone's schedule. I can't start a new career now - it's too late. Dammit.

I POAS this afternoon b/c I was bored and wanted to see a BFP, no matter how fake it was due to the trigger shot. I'm 5dpt and 4dpiui. Not a strong positive but not a light one either. Kind of in between. I'll take another one next Thursday (9dpt and 8dpiui) to start testing it out. Last time I did that it never turned negative but it was ectopic so we'll see.

IUI #4 is Done

Was not as painful as the last few. My new doc, Dr. B, did the procedure. Count was the best yet! 15 million post wash!!! To think we started with barely 2 million with IUI #1 and #2. Unbeliveable. Dr. B thinks that the "shadow follicle" or whatever it was yesterday may actually be a real one. He said a different patient had the same thing and that's all it was, no other follicles for her and she got pregnant so maybe the 23mm (yeah not 22mm, 23mm) is our winner? He didn't see any polyps and thinks that whatever was on the u/s was a shadow. Good lord, enough shadows?

Well, I'll start the obsessive testing next Friday to test out the shot. Okay, maybe next Thursday. I have nothing better to do right?

In job news, I have a contact from Chicago who is going look for openings for me in the business. He may know some people who would hire me to work from home. That would be the BEST!

Now, I'm going to watch American Idol. Judge me all you want.

Moving Forward

I had my ultrasound yesterday to find out the sitch with the follies. I've got two on the left and one on the right. Only one on the left is 17+mm and one on the right is at like a 9mm or so. The other on the left was 22mm with a daughter cyst which altogether they're calling a shadow follicle or something. Altogether I was informed that the 22mm one is not real...or whatever. The nurse seems to think she knows what she's talking about but I asked questions that were secret tests (because I know everything of course) and she basically failed. But the 17mm follicle on the left seems to be the golden egg so I was triggered at 10:30 am yesterday. The IUI is today at 3pm. We reviewed DH's s/a from November 2009 and it showed over 60 million total motal count at 30 million +. Thus we are EXPECTING (cautiously optimistic) that his post-wash count today will be higher than ever for our IUIs. Not hard to beat 2 million (IUI #1 - cyst, no real follicle, idiots), 2 million (IUI #2, one follicle), 8-12 million (IUI #3 which resulted in an ectopic, two follicles). We have one good egg for IUI #4, pre-surgery and shit hitting the fan. No pressure right? Yeah....a lot of pressure. I've amassed a lot of pee tests. Let's do this thing. Activate the insemination!!!! Mwahahahahah.....

Lazy Saturday

So I'm getting kind of amped for the IUI next week. But I'm not looking forward to the 10 or so days afterward where I'll be searching for a job, cleaning the house (including any and all closet spaces, etc) every day. At least it'll keep me busy. But it still is hard to wait.

One of the biggest companies in town will be posting 25-35 job openings in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully they're something I will like. Maybe they'll have even better IF coverage? IVF? lol...at least what we have now covers 90% of IUIs (up to 6 lifetime) and 100% diagnostics. Hard to complain.

I'm sure I'll be posting more since I'm at home for awhile. We'll see how long that lasts. I just want to be pregnant and stay pregnant. Broken record. I know...

Great Year So Far....NOT

I am blogging from home because I got laid off yesterday. Yep. Big shock to me. I got a month's severance so that's 3 more paychecks, and then unemployment. super duper.

We're going ahead with IUI #4 next week, but DH's knee surgery at the end of the month and the lack of my job may make him fight about doing IUI #5 (if necessary) in February. I figure we do all three months b/c we have to take a break from April till about June...

Hopefully it works. Do people hire pregnant women?

I'm thinking about going back to school to get my master's or to be a teacher. I have no idea what to do.....

Nut 'N Honey

When I think up titles for blog posts, I try to go for the first thing that comes to mind. Lo and behold, "Nut 'n Honey" popped up. Mainly because when DH asked what I was doing last week when I would be spending my time examining pee sticks, that was my response. Also, I liked the cereal. I wonder if they still make it? Hmmm...


Yeah all those HPTs were negative. I don't know what I saw earlier in the week but it was b.s.

I ordered a bunch of pee sticks on Eb.ay in Nov/Dec b/c I find that for $5 or less I can get multi-packs of FRERs, Answers, CBEs, etc. Well in November I amassed about a 1/2 dozen digitals. Thus, I'm sticking to them and Dollar Tree tests for the next few months. That should be fine.

AF showed up on New Year's Eve. I had two daquiris at dinner that night. Yum. Then I didn't drink all weekend. I find that I don't really like it anymore. The hangover/my behavior never seems to come out better than when I don't drink. Also, DH doesn't drink anymore (Urologist's orders) so what's the point huh? We sat on our new couches all weekend and watched TV and played Wii. It was nice.

I called Dr. B's office yesterday to set up my ultrasound and IUI for the January cycle (cycle ?, IUI #4). The nurse seemed confused but eventually figured it out. It's hard to discuss things like "ultrasound", "trigger", and "insemination" which is what she calls an IUI, at my desk with four co-workers 12 feet away. So we got it all set up. I've been on 50mg of Clo.mid again, this time from day 3-7 instead of 4-8 or however it was we did it in November. That worked but ended in an ectopic so we're trying (obviously) to avoid that. The u/s and possible trigger would be next Tuesday 1/12 (CD 13) at 9:30 am. The u/s lady will remember me and ask if I "emptied my bladder" like she always does. And I will respond, "twice emptied, I know the drill," like I always do. Ahh, routine. Also, the IUI will be the late afternoon the day after the Nov.arel instead of 24 hours later. That way the swimmers have a better chance of hitting the egg(s) than when they have to sit around for 12 hours waiting for one or more to release.

I was THISCLOSE to taking double pills (DH is also on Clo.mid) to increase my dosage to get more follicles but instead of being scared of getting in trouble, well maybe a little, I was scared of getting a cyst like back in July (didn't overdose, first clomid cycle screwed me up). So I didn't. But I'll be pushing Dr. B for a few things when I see him at the IUI:


1. Betas + Progesterone every time. Monitor P4 during pregnancy b/c it may have been the reason for miscarriage #2 at 9 weeks. Dr. M refused to cooperate with that request other than to give me suppositories AFTER the loss for future IUIs.

2. Increase meds to give us a better chance at success after DH has surgery on 1/28. We really only have Jan, Feb and Mar to try until his count most likely plummets in April. Yay.
Okay right now I can only think of 2 things but there are more. Believe me. I'm going to assert myself with this guy and b/c I trust him and he listens to me I think things will work out...

Did I Mention 2010 Will Be The Year?

So I've been obsessively testing since 9 dpo. Yes I'm nuts. DH and I thought we saw a faint BFP on Monday night on a Clear Blue Easy non-digital and an E.P.T. but I think they were bleed lines b/c nothing else has come close to a BFP since then. I've used a FRER, internet cheapies, Dollar Tree tests and more CBE and EPTs. No dice.

That's fine - AF is supposed to show by New Year's Eve or New Year's Day (preferably) so this should be a fun weekend. If AF shows on 1/1/10, then the cycle days would literally be the same as the calendar days, easier to keep track I suppose. Also, January is our only chance to get the coveted 10/10/10 due date!!!! lol...doesn't mean it'll happen but it'd be so cool. Finally, once DH has his surgery we may be kind of screwed with any IUIs for awhile. If January's doesn't work then we'll definitely do one in Febuary, but we will probably do a s/a in March before doing another one. We'll do clomid in March for sure, but definitely a se.men analysis before an IUI in March just so we aren't wasting one of the 6 that are covered. We've used three so Jan-Mar woudl be our last chances to have the 50% coverage by insurance. Yeah, only 50% is covered. But DH believes that it'll happen this year for sure w/out IVF so I told him that if i'm not pregnant by the end of the year that we're going to start IVF. I'm not waiting anymore. Also, about 74 days after his surgery - or April-ish - his count will likely plummet and won't recover for another 74 days. So we basically lose at least 2 cycles this year if not 3. Yay, right? So we only have 9 months in 2010 to get knocked up and stay that way. No pressure, right?

One Month after BFP - 2 1/2 Weeks Post EP Surgery

Beta on 12/10/09: 3
We got the green light - it's bunny time!

I got a positive OPK last night. FINALLY. And this afternoon. Yes. I took one at work. It's currently in my sweater pocket. B/c it looks like an HPT, I have to hide it so nobody finds it/sees it and thinks i'm pregnant. Or if someone figures out what it is I will be quite red-faced.
This afternoon I have been feeling quite a bit of pressure/pain in my right ovary area and then under my belly button (that spot probably b/c of the buttoned pants I'm wearing toady; I've been unbuttoning my pants since the surgery), and my lower back.
Thus, I think I'm ovulating today/tonight/tomorrow. Dh and I have been bd-ing every other day since last wednesday just in case. Since it appears I am actually popping out an egg in the next several hours, we're going to "hit it" hard tonight and tomorrow for sure.
Maybe it'll work. Maybe I'll have another ectopic. Maybe we'll actually get a live baby in nine months. No clue. But I'm excited for the possibility. At least we didn't have to wait 3 months like the other/fired doc was going to make us wait and at least dh has a healthy/normal (kind of) count for us to try with unlike what happened in March. We tried for three months after March, oh yes we did. But with very little swimmers that actually knew where they were going, it clearly didn't work. Let's see, the first IUI 3 months after dh started taking Clomid, we got pregnant. Duh. Obviously it worked and his swimmers got a clue. So, since we've got some good ones till about 74 days after dh's ACL surgery 1/28/10, we have got to go at this hard until the count drops off. THEN we'll have to wait 74 more days after that till they go back to normal-ish...for him. You know what I mean.

But I feel confident that we WILL get pregnant and STAY pregnant in 2010. Dammit. Or else. You hear me future baby/babies?!?!? You will sit and you will stay in the right place until it's time to come out. Grrr.

I'm happy. I am in total love with my husband. We are okay. We got a new TV and a Wii for Christmas. Instead of an exchange we decided to get those things. The Wii's not yet set up, we're pretty 'tarded when it comes to that kind of stuff and we want to wait for our NEW COUCH to arrive! We got a sectional that I call "the butt couch" b/c it has little cushions all over it so i think it looks like it's got butts on it. Dh doesn't agree but we both like that it's beyond comfortable (our current couches are hand-me-downs from my parents and I think the couches are 15 years old), and has massagers on both sides of the sectional! We got two couches that are three-seaters and then the middle triangle thingy. I never wanted a sectional but I ended up falling in love with this one. Each side has a little cooler in it too under the middle seat so how neat is that! The couch is to be delivered on New Year's Eve (not entirely convenient but we'll work with it) and they'll take our crappy couches and horrible recliner. We're counting the days.

We'll find out by New Year's Eve or New Year's Day if I'm knocked up. If it didn't work, then I get to start Clomid by day 3 (if I can't reach the doctor, I'll just take Eric's and then replace his with the Rx that I get - this really works out, being on the same fertility meds) and then we'll do IUI #4 by the 15th or 16th. I'll find out if I'm knocked by Dh's ACL surgery (probably do beta the morning of the surgery) so, that's all good stuff! I'm super excited for the next six weeks. I really really really hope it works before April (when DH's sperm go to sh*t). As long as it works before April, we'll have our baby in 2010. Hopefully.

Dr. Google Is Not Helping

So I have googled the crap out of a question I have. Not much on answers. I just want to know when I will ovulate now. We are not waiting a cycle to try b/c DH has ACL surgery at the end of January so we don't want to waste a possible cycle. It's been over 2 weeks since the surgery and my count has been under 100 since then as well so my body should be getting ready to ovulate.
*TMI Alert*
I've had a TON of ewcm lately. Like gobs. Not typical for me. So I've been using my leftover opks to figure out what's going on and we've been bd-ing every other day since last Wednesday. I should ovulate this week based on what's going on "down there" as it comes about 3-4 days after the ewcm for some strange reason. The opks aren't getting darker yet but i figure they will in the next couple of days. I only have one left though so I have to decide whether to use it tonight or wait until Tuesday. I have a bunch (30) coming from Ebay but the seller shipped on 12/6/09 and I still don't have them so if I use the last one I have then I'll have to go buy some at the store and they're a bit costly...but if it helps us conceive this month then they'd be worth it right? A long-time TTC-er will spend money on some pretty crazy stuff so nothing I buy that's related will surprise DH.

Luckily my cycle should play out for January (if this December trainwreck doesn't end in a BFP) works out for the IUI to be mid-month so that maybe I can get a beta before or during DH's surgery.

Also, his urologist and I exchanged emails last week and he said that the surgery shouldn't impact DH's sperm until about 74-90 days after surgery. So we'll keep doing the IUIs until then which works out fine. But how, logistically, will DH and I "do it" at home if he's laid up (lol, no pun intended) with a bum knee? Yes, all mental images aside folks, I will have to do all the work. I'd rather do that then "take a break". Besides, if our efforts fail, then we'll be "taking a break/doing it on our own" for three months after the bad sperm kick in until they come back after another sperm cycle. Bummer huh? So we've got December, January, February, March and April (maybe) to get pregnant. No pressure right?

Smack in the face

i knew the betas sucked. i convinced myself that i was at the low end of normal but i knew. it was ectopic. ruptured day after thanksgiving. took four hours of pain quickly intensifying to get me to announce (in choked tears) that something was "wrong" and that we needed to see a doctor immediately. went to local (small town) ER. they were confused, couldn't give me pain meds. sent me to "big city" ER. they didn't get the memo from local ER so there was some confusion at first but soon i got pain meds, lovely, then an u/s which confirmed no sac, nothing in uterus. lots of free-flowing blood though. my favorite doc was on call, told me i had ectopic. apparently beta was around 450 or so. that monday it'd been 131. if my dang doctor had just ran one more frigging beta she would have seen the problem. anyways, i went in for emergency laproscopic surgery. they saved my tube. stayed overnight at hospital. dh took amazing care of me for the past week. i'm back at work today, still quite sore. refused to have the rest of the stitches out after first one hurt like a bi*ch.

but i'm not depressed and hiding this time. dh's count is nearly normal now. the motility is grade 4. i just know that we'll get pregnant again. he has to have ACL surgery soon so we only have a couple of months to try. we'll do it on our own this month and once i get af, i'll call my new doctor, the one from the hospital (same department, just a different doc) and i'll start a clomid/iui cycle again. We'll go for IUI #4. i feel good about it. even if it doesn't work, we'll keep trying.

now SIL and BIL are trying. in a sick way i still dont want to be 2nd to them. my little/only brother had a kid before me and if SIL (younger) has one too i'll be pissed. i'm terrible. but i'm not depressed anymore.

Welcome back?

so. it's been at least 8 months. you won't be able to guess why...yeah. we lost everything.
long story short - started spotting at 7 1/2 weeks, got u/s, everything was fine but there was blood near the sac. Bedrest for 4 days. spotting exactly a week after it started, then bleeding. went in for another u/s. baby normal, heartbeat good, blood problem gone. thought everything would be fine. then the next morning - bam! heavy bleeding, worst cramping i've ever experienced, lost the baby in the ER. saw it, was quite traumatic. had u/s to show clear uterus, horrible experience. then the next day, had the same thing happen all over again due to incomplete abortion. went to ER in my town and got medication to make everything flush out properly.

i've been in some kind of depressive social coma since then. the only reason i'm back is b/c i'm pregnant again. dh went on clomid and his count and motility basically tripled. we did three iuis and this third one worked i guess. low betas to start with: 13dpiui: 10; 15 dpiui: 33; 17 dpiui: 56; 19dpiui: 131.

B/c i got Beta #4's results this morning and they were good, i decided to post this. not sure if i'll keep things up. i'm sure nobody is following this blog.

if you are actually following this and you know me - please don't tell anyone. you can talk to me directly but please keep this a secret.

odds are nobody is following this. most people ask to be kept in prayers, etc. screw that. a lot has changed for me this year and i decided that the whole god thing is b.s.

if it's going to happen, it will. if there are problems, make it happen. if it can't happen, then it won't.

so...first u/s is next monday the 30th. i'm getting the flu and the h1n1 shot tomorrow per doctor's orders. we'll see how this progresses.

but i think i'm healing a little. even if this one bombs, dh's count is so good i feel confident we can do this on our own.

ironically, our initial ivf appt is next monday at the same time as the u/s. i will most likely cancel the ivf appt tomorrow.

7w5d

Still pregnant, for all you followers out there. I see nobody is following this blog so that was sarcasm...

I haven't thrown up yet and that's concerning me. Why? B/c I suffered from horrific PMS since Iwent through puberty and I always figured that any pregnancy hormones would hit me hard. Well, I just get nauseous if I'm hungry and usually from 10am - 3pm. So...I don't get it. I'll probably call the doctor's office on Friday (my day off) and tell them I'm nervous about it. Maybe I'll get another u/s if I really push.

Other than that, I went golfing with DH yesterday b/c it was 65 degrees. I carried my bag since there were no golf carts allowed and I hate pull carts. We only went five holes since it started getting chilly, I was starving and I'm out of shape. I thought I was going to puke. Maybe we'll go Sunday. Who knows? Dh has been great though. He's cleaning a lot and being attentive. He gets excited a lot about the baby but we're still on edge till the second trimester.

Oh, I ordered a doppler ($100 bucks!) from Amazon.com so I can sooth my psychotic internal ramblings since I'm terrified of having a missed miscarriage. My symptoms are so minor (sore bbs and mild nausea) that I'm scared that something is going or has gone wrong. Hopefully the doppler or doctor's office can make me feel better.

7 Weeks

Wow, it's just unbelievable that we're at seven weeks. I still have it in the back of my mind that the baby is measuring 6w4d but I don't care. The doctor told me to stay with the calendar I started with so whatever. Seven weeks!

The nausea has come and gone. I can't get too hungry; though my appetite has been huge, holy cow. I feel like a cow. Lol. My cold seems to have gone away (knock on wood) but my sinuses feel slightly swollen, you know what I mean? Not much of a runny nose but I feel kinda stuffy.

My back has had some aching, it comes and goes, and the cramping is very minor and is sporadic. Maybe the puking won't happen to me, I'd like it to just so I know how strong the hormones are, but if I can get by without it and have a strong, healthy baby, that's fine by me!

I just keep praying all goes well and I'm looking forward to some pleasant weather so I can go walking. I'll start next week at the gym (I have a membership I bought two months ago that I haven't used yet, the timing hasn't been there) twice a week. That should help. And I can walk at home, around the block and such. Spring starts next Friday! I can't believe it'll be late fall by the time we have this baby! I still call it our little sea monkey (that's what it looked like in the ultrasound pictures) but I figure by the end of next week I'll be calling it our little gummy bear. ;)

Heartbeat!!!!

I'm at home; took the day off today to enjoy the ultrasound. I'll post more later, but it went fine. Baby is actually measuring at six weeks one day but the doc told me to consider myself six weeks four days. We'll see down the road if we need to change the due date, but the most it'd be off by is three days and she said its no biggie.

I started crying when I saw the baby and its heartbeat. We even got to listen to it, which his nuts! Dh says it was 128 bpm but I thought she said 113 bpm. Either way, our little one is measuring great and the doc is happy with what she saw.

Next appointment is a basic prenatal appt with a nurse on 3/31 and then with the doc for my first pelvic, heart monitoring, etc on 4/13!

Yay!!!

5 weeks 4 days

Still pregnant! I need to stop peeing on the dollar tree tests, but I really enjoy watching the progression of the darkening lines!

Symptoms:
Sore boobs, especially the nipples.
Lower back pain kicked in today.
Queasiness started last Friday.
Tired ALL.THE.TIME.
I enjoy ice cream and dill pickle potato chips (isn't it too early for cravings?)
Gassy
Did I say tired a lot? 'Cause I am.
Constant runny nose.

I think I've been an obviously happier person though, overall. DH says things like, we're having a baby, I'm going to be a dad. I can't believe it...things like that. The timing of this is really good too. We're better prepared than we were last year. We have two good jobs, a house and a stable financial situation. Our marriage is solid as a rock, and our extended families are doing well.

I do still check the tp every single time I wipe, just in case. I think anybody would do that though, especially someone who's had a miscarriage.

Next Tuesday is the first u/s and appointment with my ob. I'm so excited! I can't wait to see our baby. It's unreal yet; every day I get a little more used to being pregnant. Yet, the puking hasn't begun yet so I may start to get a little annoyed with that symptom. Anytime I'm bothered, I'll remind myself of how badly we wanted this and that any m/s is a sign of a strong pregnancy.

Hopefully DH helps me clean the toilets more often though. Random note: I have sworn off pop (anything but diet 7-up/diet sprite/diet sierra mist) since my BFP. I'm scared the sweeteners and lack of health benefits will be bad for me or the baby. The only time I drink the diet sierra mist is when I can't stand water anymore or if we're eating out and it's all they have other than water.

DH has been wonderful though, and I'm a little surprised. He has been drinking a lot the past two saturdays but that's because 1) he's been celebrating and 2) his brothers came into town unexpectedly and drinking is what they do. I'm sure he'll back off of it this weekend until St. Patty's weekend. After that he'll have no real reason to have anything to drink till we visit his brothers again in late April. I guess I'm mostly tired of being the designated driver.

Only 2 days left and we'll be at 6 weeks! I need to find more synonyms for excited!

5 Weeks!!!

I can't believe it! It's five weeks already! Yeah right, every day has taken forever to be over with. I just want to have the u/s and see the baby!

Boobs hurt and I feel sick when I get even a little hungry. I pee all the time which is also probably because I drink crazy amounts of liquids due to this cold I'm still fighting. I went to the doctor yesterday for what I figured was a sinus infection. Lo and behold, it is just that. I got ammoxicillin for the next 10 days. Dh was worried so he made me call my ob to make sure it was okay to take it. She said yes it was fine. Lol. Also I get crampy once in a while, for about a minute; they're mild to moderate and feel different than AF cramps. I asked the ob nurse about that too and she said since this is my first child that my uterus hasn't been stretched like this before so of course it'll get crampy. The different feeling is it expanding, not being pushed in like during AF.

I still need to tell how we announced it to our parents, but we're telling his immediate family tonight and mine next Saturday, so I'll post everything soon enough. But in case anyone was actually following this blog, I wanted to make sure they knew that I'm still pregnant!!!

Oh Yeah

Progesterone at 24.5. Got the call yesterday morning that I won't need progesterone supplements/suppositories. The U/s is scheduled, and I told the nurse I don't want to set up all the prenatal stuff till I see the baby on screen. They understand...

I'm cautiously optimistic!

Still Pregnant

I have held my breath since Friday, hoping that this preganancy didn't circle the drain like the last (and only) one did. Nothing yet! Some crampy/pulling feeling randomly but thats it. My boobs hurt on and off and my back has started hurting. Also I can't seem to sleep past 3am. lol. This is nuts! Speaking of nuts, I went to the dollar tree last night and bought 9 pregnancy tests. I thought I had ten...lol.
I took one as soon as I got home. Yep, a nice medium-dark line pretty quickly. I have 2 $6.00 digitals left and I want to save them for either making the announcement or if I have a scare.

DH is getting more and more excited. Every morning when I wake up, I look right at him, smile, and say, "Still pregnant!". He just smiles and closes his eyes. Today he's emailed me and said he's surprised at how excited he is and how this will be a long nine months. He has no idea. It's 14 days till our first ultrasound and that feels like a million years away! It's like my birthday every day, like Christmas, like our wedding day...I love being pregnant! Bring on the morning sickness and the cankles! I want it all!

I've wanted this for so long, longer than the 16 months it took to get pregnant. I saw a beautiful sunrise this morning on the way to work, prettier than any I can remember seeing in my 26 years. All I could do was thank God. Usually, when I lose hope, He seems to pick me back up. He also helps me to appreciate what I have and to learn tough lessons when I need them.

Maybe that was the reason for last year's chemical pregnancy. I got the BFP on Tuesday (4w 4d) and started spotting at midnight and officially miscarried on Wednesday (4w 5d).

Today is 4w 4d. I have to make it past tomorrow. That will be HUGE!!!!! The first milestone was the BFP on our own. The second was making it past the first night. The third will be making it past 4w 5d. ;) I think (and pray) we can do it.

Due date 10/30/09. Let's do it, shall we pumpkin?

Shock Of A Lifetime

I. Am. Pregnant.

BFP on Friday. Went to ob/gyn immediately for a pee test there and a progesterone blood test. Pee test waaaay positive but no progesterone results in till Monday.

WTF????

How did this happen? I've also got a nasty head cold and a probable sinus infection. No meds for me...

I will tell the story later on how I told DH and our parents...but this is nuts and I thank God every time I wipe and see nothing on the tp (TMI, sorry but I've lost one in the middle of the night and I don't want it to happen again). Ultrasound is on 3/10!

Who Isn't Pregnant?

Seriously, I'd like to know. Just found out that a friend of ours is "oops" pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. Another friend got "oops" pregnant last fall. Unreal. Oh and DH's cousin's wife was quickly knocked up over Christmas...they made the announcement 6 weeks along. A bit soon but whatever.

I know it's not a contest. But I'm the most competetive person ever. EVER. I will beat anyone at being competitive. It's not the most attractive personality trait. But can't you understand that spent most of 2008 planning on being pregnant, filling our nursery, picking out daycare, telling the family, taking birthing suite tours...

This has been so hard. Now the local hospital (where I'd have our baby) is pushing their baby commercials in overtime. I see them on tv and hear them on the radio constantly. 3x a day I swear! I'm getting near tears anymore when thinking about this because I'm so scared we'll never be able to have children. It is a basic human function, something we're genetically programmed for and we have been simply unable to do that job! It's an emplty feeling, one that is resonated in my mom's face each time I tell her AF came, or that the outlook of us conceiving naturally are very slim.

It's started going deeper too. I subconciously must be pushing DH away because I'm not really interested in being intimate as often as I used to. It's unfair to him and to me, I used to enjoy it, often. But now that I know that bd-ing is only for pleasure and won't work for making babies, it's so difficult to do it. I'm sure I'll need time (and maybe therapy, who knows???) but I feel like I'm failing as a wife and a best friend because it's as if everything changed when we got the MFI diagnosis.

Some days are better than others. Today, I am counting down the handful of days till AF arrives so I can call and get my Clomid perscription. DH is faithfully taking his fertility blend from GNC and we figure by this time next week, I'll be taking the meds. Oh, DH failed his important work exam three times. That means he can't take it for 6 months but his workload will be less though is pay won't change. I think he'll improve (and his count too) since the stress of studying for three months straight is done now.

I'll keep working on my issues. Hopefully once the next cycle starts, I can start getting excited again. Until then, I'll keep living...and crossing days off my calendar.

Moving Forward

I thought the template for this blog was a bit dark, with the black background, etc. So I changed it today to this new peaceful, beachy template. It gives me hope, and I feel better about most things these days.

I kind of had a brain fart on the opks over the weekend. Yes, we're taking one more natural/at-home shot at this before Clomid/IUI#1 next cycle. The opks I got online, like all the others, are smaller, skinnier, etc. So I misread a negative for a positive. Good thing I took one each day b/c Saturday's got really, really dark in the afternoon. So we tried on Sunday too. Unfortunately there was only one Preseed applicator left and we used it on Friday. I figure it'll help DH's already struggling little guys...it worked for the one time I got pregnant...so maybe our 2 big efforts over the weekend worked. I doubt it, but I'll probably get all excited once my cycle heads past the 28 day mark like it has for the past few months. 28-days till November. Then it was 32 days. Then 26 days in December. Then 32 days again in January. What the deuce, right?

I just keep ovulating later and my LP is so screwy now. Glad I'm going on the Clomid. Hopefully if the red headed sl*t comes around, she's here around the 20th or 21st instead of the 22nd or 23rd. Only because the IUI would fall on a Monday or Tuesday and I don't have those days off. I hate the thought of using a sick day on it and I'd rather go home and relax all day to allow the swimmers to do their jobs.

I am taking a work test on March 11th though so I could use the day to study at home, etc. Whew! I'm quite the planner huh? This kid will have to get used to it, even though he/she hasn't exactly followed our "plan" for the past 16 months.

So I came up with a great idea for telling DH that I'm knocked up. See, he's not drinking anymore. Yeah. No booze. You don't understand how big of a sacrifice this is for him. He had a sip of his dad's beer last Saturday and looked like a 16 year old when I looked at him. It was funny.

But my idea is as follows, though not in concrete yet: I get him a six pack of his favorite beer and wrap it. Then I include the BFP test and present it to him accordingly. The BFP can't be faint either. It's gotta be pretty obvious. Then I can have a fresh digital one waiting for him to make me prove it. Since I lost our only pregnancy a day and a half after that BFP, he may make me continue to pee on sticks till the ultrasound. I don't mind. I'll enjoy every single positive test I take and cherish it. I'd kiss each one but we all know that there will be pee on it so...if I do I'll keep it to myself. :)

Ironically though, it'll be a year to the day on March 19th when I miscarried. This year I will hopefully get my BFP within a week of that anniversary. My next AF would be due around March 20th -23rd. So I shuld know by then. What a great way to get through such a difficult time.

I Took A Self-Imposed Time-Out

I see, based on all the comments left for me, that I have a huge following (that's a little sarcasm there)...so I figure I'll update you "all" on what's been going on.

I've been moping and feeling sorry for myself lately, mainly because of the frustration of this whole testing process, and also irritated that we have to take this cycle off basically to gear up for next month's start of treatment.

Overall? DH's counts are too low to get me pregnant. Not only are they low but also confused and lazy, and misshapen. For the most part. However they're not too low that the doc doesn't feel confident about Clomid/IUI for 3 cycles.

Thus we're counting the days till AF comes (expected 2/20/09) so that I can get the Clomid and get started...I had my ultrasound (normal and awesome) last Wednesday and my HSG on Friday.

I'm not in the mood to post about it today, but the HSG was the WORST PAIN I'VE EVER FELT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. 'Nuff said there. My right (or left I don't remember I was dizzy with pain) tube was probably blocked so the doc had to push more contrast through. Now that they both look clear and my uterus is 100% normal (I asked if it was mis-shapen or tilted or anything), the doc is ready for us to begin treatment.

DH and I agreed, with the doc, that we would try 3 months of Clomid/IUI and if they didn't work, we'd find out if Dh has a varicocele. If he does he'll get it fixed. DH is also on GNC's Fertility Blend vitamin supplements so hopefully they help. He started them 2 weeks ago and they take about 3 months to take effect so it may not be seen till the IUI #3...even then, third time's a charm, right?

We told our parents about all of this on Friday and Saturday. My mom knew everything, but my dad didn't know much. I kept it low-key with my folks. With DH's parents, they had no idea we were having problems. His mom, bless her heart, gave some advice but didn't understand how much we've been through with testing and how much I know about TTC and infertility.

Then they said it took them 2 years to get pregnant with Dh's younger sister, and they went for a workup at the doctor to find out what was going on; antibiotics administered and boom. Pregnant.

I explained it's not like that, and it was hard to tell them that their son has a low sperm count. His dad said he thinks his count might have been low too, but he can't remember. It's easier if Dh can blame this on genetics.

In the meantime I'm apparently helping my brother's fiancee plan their wedding in 2 months. They had an "oops" baby, my first nephew, back in December. She got pregnant 2 weeks after I had my miscarriage. I harbor a bit of resentment for my brother in general so I'm working to get through this...wish me luck.