IUI #8 cycle begins...

Yesterday I called the clinic to get the schedule set up for this next cycle since AF arrived full force and honestly without too much warning.

Nurse Nice-But-Flighty said that there's no plan on my chart from Dr. B other than we need to up my Repronex. I told her we'd discussed Letrozole (Femara) and Repronex for this cycle instead of Clomid b/c I'm done with that after 10 cycles. She said that Dr. B is out of the office till next week on vacation and is unreachable.

Nice.

So she ended up talking to the doctor I'd fired after not being cautious with my 2nd and 3rd pregnancy, resulting in an unexpected blown ectopic when she refused to do one more beta. Yay. Fired doctor said I was to go back on Clomid.

I threw a bit of a hissy fit. Sorry. I'm an IF-er who had her 3rd WTF appt in 2 years recently and had laid out a plan with her doctor. Why would I smile and say okay? So I told Nurse Nice-But-Flighty that I will NOT take any more Clomid and that I prefer to go along the lines of the plan laid out with Dr. B. She said that was fine and that I can do my baseline this Wednesday on CD3 (she tried to schedule me for CD2, yuck much?) and if it's all clear then she'll call the Letrozole/Femara into my local pharmacy and I can start those on Friday for five days. Dr. B returns next Tuesday and he'll address the rest of the issues, but in the meantime, Nurse Nice-But-Flighty will order 10 vials instead of 5 for this next cycle so I can take 2/day. Since I'm to start them next Tuesday, she'll confirm the dosage with Dr. B when he returns. I'll take 2/day I'm sure of it. It's the only way to increase the dosage anyways. I wonder if that means 2 injections per day? Oh well. The shots got me pregnant last time...I'm still thinking it was a rotten egg though that was the cause of the failure. That one we squeezed out at the last second with extra drugs...

I'll keep ya'll posted. I have no idea what cycle we're on because the four pregnancies kind of screwed up the cycle counting...but it's been at least 30 cycles by now I'm sure.

Hail Mary FAIL

AF just got here, and I actually did a fist-pump in the bathroom since I got so many BFNs this weekend that I just wanted her to get here so I could get started with IUI #8! Woot. At least I caught it before I had a clothing emergency like last month...

Aww it's alright. At least now I can go down to Arkansas in 2 weeks for my cousin's wedding and have a glimmer of hope that I'll be knocked up sooner than later. Maybe with TWINS!!!

First Baby Shower Invite; 10dpo; Poll

Remember way back in March when I told you all how I got that text message from our guy friend casually announcing his wife's pregnancy? Well she's 8 months now and the baby shower is on Saturday August 7th. I made DH read the date to me, I couldn't read it. Whew!!! We'll be in Arkansas that day!!! I'll probably send a gift...but thank goodness. This is actually my first baby shower invite since we started TTC-ing . Can you believe it? It took nearly 3 years to get one; other IF-ers have had to deal with much worse, so I am not complaining. I'm just hiding from the pregnant friend; haven't seen her since the first week of January (probably when she got her BFP).

Today I'm 10dpo. I tested. It was negative. :) I'll keep you all posted. Symptom check: slightly sensitive nips, white cm (sorry TMI), and a good mood. All indicative of past pregnancies. Could still be nothing though. I figure if there will be a positive, it'll start to show its face by Saturday or Sunday. Again, I'll let you know if there's any life-altering news.

There were a couple of celebrity pregnancy announcements yesterday (Craig Ferguson and Vince Vaughn). Mr. Vaughn got married in January. Screw him and his fertile marriage. Craig - I don't care so much, it was the bang/bang announcements that hit me harder. I'm still waiting for Khloe Kardashian-Odom, Eva Longoria-Parker....and more. People who got married around the time I did or after who have babies before us. Sorry but I instantly dislike them unless they struggled like I have.

So, I have added a poll on the side of my blog to see your responses to the following question:

How Do Celebrity Pregnancy Announcements Affect You?

I'm just curious to see your thoughts on this, and polls are fun.

My Eclipse post is coming though, I promise.

Glee Emmy Noms and Thanks for the Prayers

Congrats to Lea Michele, Matthew Morrison, Jane Lynch and surpise nominee Chris Colfer!!!! Though they'll never read this, I was so happy for all of them. I've been re-watching the season during my lunch hours on A.maz.on.com and they truly deserve these nominations. Jane Lynch was a lock for a nomination though...also nominated for Glee appearances were Kristin Chenoweth and Neil Patrick Harris - LOVE THEM!!!! I will be watching on August 29th to cheer them on. I'm also thinking of live-blogging the Emmys but we'll see about that.

Our IF-er friend Lindsay seems to be doing better and appreciates your continued support! I already feel better for her because she made it farther than I ever did - and that's awesome!!!!

Otherwise, I'll be spending the weekend with my 14 year old cousin as I take her to "Ec.lipse" (yes it'll be my 2nd time seeing it and I'll dedicate a later blog to it because I definitely have somethings to say) and to lunch on Saturday, and then I'll be dress shopping with my SIL (the fertile one married to my brother) for upcoming weddings we are attending.

Hopefully it's an uneventful weekend. In TTC news, I'm 4dpo. Yuck...6 more days till I can start testing like the nutty infertile that I am. This is my 9th cycle on Clomid. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be on it anymore. If this try didn't work, when we do the injectable IUI cycle next month, the doctor knows I never want Clomid again and I want Follistim or Repronex or whatever. I'm shooting for 3-4 follicles again and since I was a lazy responder to the first injectable/IUI cycle, he'd agreed to up my meds if we had to do another one. As LMFAO's song goes: "SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS...!!!!". Though I'm pretty sure they're yelling about the alcoholic shots, not the fertility drug shots. I wipe the stuff off with alcohol wipes though - close enough.

Thanks For The Props & A Prayer Request

Really quickly here - I need to say a couple things:

One, thank you ladies for not scolding me. I was ready for it and would have readily accepted it - I just really really hope that this (our 3rd, 4th, I lost count) hail mary cycle works. I'll keep you posted and I'm stocked up on HPTs. I will begin testing next Thursday or Friday (7/15 or 7/16) because I'm a nut and the DT tests are so cheap.

Two - while I'm not religious (RPL, IF, personal tragedy will have eroded my faith) and I don't believe things happen for a reason, I do keep people in my thoughts while they are going through tough times, etc. Whether you pray, think or feel for people, pick your pleasure because I need you to focus on fellow IF-er Lindsay. She is 9 weeks along in her first pregnancy and has begun spotting. U/s shows everything's okay, but she needs our support!

Let's keep her in our thoughts and hope her doctor(s) can either do something to help or that it's just a mini-speed bump in what should otherwise be an uneventful and wonderful pregnancy.

That is all.

No I Didn't Steal A Baby....

Thanks Lindsay for the comment! I was going to wait till someone commented because I'm stubborn and I figured no one read my post and didn't care about the fact that I did something bad. I see you care. I also love the M&M onesie you got!


Okay....deep breath....








I took Clomid and Repronex without doctor's orders this month.









There. I said it. 

Now I will explain it:


DH is on Clomid every other day. His prescriptions overlapped so he had 4 extra pills at 50mg each. I used to be on 50 mgs and got at least 2 follicles with it. I had one vial of Repronex left, so per the usual, I started the Clomid on CD5 and then on CD9 took the shot of Repronex.


I could get a cyst. I could get pregnant with twins. I could have an ectopic. The doctor could be pissed (but would I really tell him? Yes b/c I'm a terrible liar).


I don't care right now. We're terrified that we will probably have to do IVF and DH is in a crappy job situation right now where if he doesn't pass his exam in three weeks, he's fired. He's studying now but realistically, since he's failed THREE TIMES already, I can't have much hope that he'll pass. He's also desperately trying to find another job, but no one's hiring or he's under/over qualified.

If he gets fired, we lose our medical coverage, all that we've paid towards it will be gone and we'd have to move over to mine where the premium is insane as is the extremely high deductible. So while coverage may be there for IF, none of it counts toward the deductible and instead of iuis being covered 50/50, it'll be 100% out of pocket.

Thus, this is probably our last cycle with coverage. If it doesn't work and if AF shows up before his test on July 21st (which it would if this cycle doesn't work), then I'll explain to the nurses and doctor about our coverage situation and get our meds ordered fast under our current insurance so at least  that's covered since we have 90% coverage for the injectables.

So that's that. I got a positive OPK yesterday on CD16 (started getting dark on CD15 and was full-fledged positive yesterday, right on schedule), so we're giving it all we've got.

I know I broke the rules and self-medicated and I don't ever plan to do it again, but it was the only time to do it and it's under dire circumstances. I'll go crazy if we don't at least try b/c we may not have the money to keep going soon and it's almost 3 years of TTC! I'm a nutty infertile....the day has finally arrived.

So slap me with a wet noodle....but I did what I had to do.

Thoughts? More consequences you can think of ladies? Any encouragement?

I'm starting to comment on blogs again, slowly.....this cycle is giving me a little hope now....

Weekend Countdown

No exciting news here....only one hour and I'm outta here (work I mean)!

At 6, DH and I have couple's league for golf. I haven't been out since my disasterous tournament last weekend (just embarassing how I played; nightmare!). I'm looking forward to beating the other couple. I'm sick of losing b/c we have lower handicaps and have to give more strokes to the other couple. Wow that sounded dirty....but the wife of the other couple works at my dentist's office and last time I was there in April, I was 5+ weeks pregnant and had to tell them so they didn't take x-rays. She's seen me drinking beer/mixers over the past month in the clubhouse, so I'm sure she figured out I'm no longer expecting. I hope she doesn't say anything.

At 10, DH and I are going to see this little, unheard of movie called "E.cli.pse". Heard anything about this one? Might be good....it's not like I've had a countdown ticker on my blog for months on this one. I haven't finished the Br.ee Tann.er book yet, 1/2 way done, so I'll have to read it on the way home I guess and in between holes during league.

Tomorrow, DH and I are mowing our lawn (well, he's doing that), tidying up the house, then going to Bun.ker Hil.l golf course for 18 holes. Then we'll watch the city fireworks from our yard and drink some yummy beers (I may have wine, I haven't decided yet).

Sunday is the beginning of my family reunion so we'll go back to Bunk.er H.ill for an 18 hole best shot - we're on different teams this year. Probably b/c the last 2 family outings like this, we've been on the same team and beat everyone. Sunday night, we're going back to the movie theater to see another movie b/c it's Dollar Popcorn/Pop night! We're gluttons.........for punishment...I'm thinking Toy Story 3. I turned down The Last Airbender b/c of the terrible reviews.

Monday is the Family Reunion at a local park.

Whew! I'll be busy, but hopefully it'll be as fun as I think it will!


I should be 14 weeks today. I should have a little belly starting. I should be making announcements.

Instead, I should be ovulating in the next 72 hours. DH and I will be doing our best to get me knocked up again.

I've been dying to tell you guys that I did something bad and you're going to yell (in writing) at me - it's a secret....TTC related. It's much worse than ordering/buying tons of HPTs.....

It's a bit of a no-no in the IF world.

I'm scared to tell. Desperation makes IF-ers do some crazy things. I am that poster child I guess.

No I didn't steal a baby.

Things I Love... *updated

*Updated* My husband, family, friends, duh (they're people, not things though; I decided that I should put them on this list)
All things "Tw.ilight" except being called a Tw.i-har.d. *(Update for Lindsey and anyone else who was wondering - I won't see "Ec.lipse" till late Friday night for 2 reasons: 1) scheduling conflicts, and 2) I saw both "Twil.ight" and "Ne.w Moo.n" on opening night and had to sit through 2 hours each of screaming teenagers and missed most of the dialogue. Not again!!! I figure 10 pm on a Friday, 2 days after the premiere, should lower the chances of screaming teeny-boppers so that I can actually enjoy the movie with DH (a reluctant date) and my giant tub of completely unhealthy popcorn).
*Updated* Movie Popcorn, yum.
All things "Har.ry Pot.t.er" except when DH teases me b/c ONE TIME I had a dream I kissed Daniel Radcliffe.
Arrested Development - get that movie on its way!
Golf.
My new irons.
My new driver.
My new bag.
My AWESOME HA.WKEYE SHOES.
Pino Grigio wine - chilled.
Chopped.
Top Chef.
The words "Amuse Bouche".
The Real World circa Season 1 to about 2003.
Road Rules before it got stupid.
MTV when it showed videos.
Sporty polos.
Bermuda shorts.
Cats - especially kittens.
Tosh.0. Love him! Love his show!
Musicals.
Broadway.
Glee.
Lea Michelle.
Kristin Chenowith.
IDINA MENZEL.
Wicked.
Les Miz.
Funny Girl.
Funny Lady.
Candy - way too much.
Diet pop.
Kohls bucks.
My new HTC Hero phone.
Mom's spaghetti, potato salad, rhubarb cake, blackberry cobbler, ranch dressing.
Grandma's pear jam.
Cupcakes.
"The Notebook".
"Titanic".
"Tommy Boy".
"Dumb and Dumber".
Seattle Mariners (when they aren't awful - mostly the 1995, 1996, 2001 teams).
Seattle Seahawks (up to the point that they lost to the Steelers in the 2005 Super Bowl and then got rotten).
Seattle SuperSonics (1990's - Rain Man, The Glove...wow).
College Softball.
Olympic Softball.
SYTYCD - new love!
My wedding.
My honeymoon - Jamaica (Couple's Resort in Ocho Rios, now named Tower Isle).
My cockatiel Teo - he's 15 years old.
My kitties Milo and Jack (ages 3 and 5, respectively).
My new landscaping thanks to MIL; the lilies are blooming, as is my Angel/Memory Garden plants/flowers.
The town I live in (small town hicksville compared to Seattle!).
Driving 78 mph whyile blasting my CDs and singing loudly on the highway during my 90 minute commute (total/both ways) every day.
Thunderstorms.
A cold Bud Select while on hole #5 at Meschers.
My hair after it's been done at the salon - it stays nice for at least 1 more day!
Full body massages - when I don't feel fat, pasty, and gassy (hasn't happened but I've been nervous).
A picture of me from college when I was pitching in Florida - I was RIPPED!
My tattoo - yes I have one; it's a rose with Del.ta P.hi Sig.ma in greek letters underneath; lower right pelvis under belly button.
My birthmark (took me decades to get over it, it's under my left butt cheek - kids teased me endlessly).
Traveling.
Currently, my job.
New technology I understand.
Ooh...Netf.lix - we stream it to our flat screen via the W.ii. Love it.
Sleeping in.
Breakfast Pizza.

Okay that's enough.

I needed to be positive for you guys and you also got to know me a little better, I suppose.

Thanks for all the support - I still need it so much!!!

*Wince*

I was at the Dollar Tree during the lunch hour to buy a bunch of ovulation and pregnancy tests. I then threw a bunch of other crap on top to a) hide what i had in my basket, and b) enjoy a session of retail therapy.

I went to check out and the 60 year old employee saw what was at the bottom of my basket and told me to "just relax.....go home and open a bottle of wine and turn on some music and have some fun...", that she and her husband had problems and that's what she did...they didn't need these pee tests back then.

I wasn't even mad. I was more embarassed for her b/c she shouldn't say that stuff to anyone, and then embarassed for myself because if I wasn't an infertile, i'd probably laugh at someone buying that stuff at the Dollar Tree.

So even though what she said was technically offensive to an IF-er, I just laughed and told her to have a nice day. Why be a bitch, you know? I'll save that for comments from family or friends - like when my sister told me, after my third miscarriage, that "God will give you a baby when he thinks you're ready". 

Why I oughta.....

Perspective Change Please

You know how in the movies, when there’s a flashback or flash-forward though events in someone’s life? We observe the heroine meet Mister Right and they get married. Then they buy and fix up their dream home. Finally we see them having kids, going to soccer games, carpooling…all the boring, normal stuff. Or think about movies you’ve watched when the main character ascends the corporate ladder. Remember how we sat through The Lion King and hummed along as Simba transformed from a cub to an adolescent/adult lion during the “Hakuna Matata” song?
It’s so easy for the audience to go along with the life-changing events or trials and tribulations of a person (or animal’s) journey. The problem with the point of view from the seat in the audience is that we don’t feel what the characters are going through because we get to be a fly on the wall.
I wish I was a fly on the wall in my life. I want the last three years of my life to be one of those sequences with no dialogue, just sweeping, melodic music and a disconnection from the sadness and despair that is infertility and (recurrent) pregnancy loss. I wish I wasn’t taking three Benadryls every night just to be able to fall and stay asleep.
I wish a lot of things.
But if wishes were fishes, we’d have a huge fish fry. You like what I did there? Yeah, not so funny, but I don’t know what else to say on the subject.

Updates...

AF started Saturday/Sunday, around midnight. Painful, ruined some clothes at a family gathering yesterday...yay. Glad I've learned over the years how to get those stains out quickly and easily.

So AF #1 has started. AF #2 should begin sometime around July 18th-20th. IUI #8 should be the week after the 4th of July. At least I'll get to imbibe a little, unless they say don't drink with all the injectables. No biggie, b/c no out-of-town family visits are in order and we just get to relax that weekend with a family reunion and golf outing on my side.

Other updates...golfing is going well. I have a tournament this afternoon, league on Wednesday and the women's city championship (2-day) this weekend.

...9 days till E.clip.se is released in theaters!!!! Not sure if I want to watch all 3 at the theater next Tuesday night and stay for the premiere at midnight b/c I won't get home till like 3:30 am, maybe asleep by 4...i can barely stay awake past 11 on weeknights. I have a hair appt at 7:30 next Wednesday (the first night I can see the movie after work)...and that's been pushed back a month already. So do I wait till Thursday night? Yeah...probably. I have to be a responsible adult I suppose. Not looking forward to all the screaming teenagers so I figure Thursday is a better night to go b/c the weekend will be insane!!!

...SIL is not pregnant. yet. i feel like time is running out on that one though, they have to get lucky sometime. they always get what they want.

...DH is looking for a new job, desperately. It's impossible to find a job for someone with an MBA and 4 years out of college with a job at one location that he only took for the benefits. Sucks. He's so underpaid.

We want to do IVF and his car is about to die. We need him to make a lot more money and he's trying. If he doesn't pass the Series 63 test next month, he's fired anyways. We can't afford that....

So there we go. I'm sorry if I haven't been commenting, I guess all the pregnancies are still hard for me to take but I'm sure that once some more time passes and we start doing treatments again, I'll get more hopeful.

Genetic Testing Results

"No Chromosomal Abnormalities."

Me: 46 XX
DH: 46 XY

It's an answer, but still leaves unanswered questions: why all the miscarriages? do we really have that bad of luck?

Well that's done.

Also - could I be doing ANYTHING worse during the 2 weeks post-ovulation? Drinking, exercising, not taking prenatals/baby aspirin, enjoying junk food and lots of coffee.... like our sad attempt to get pregnant right after a d&c would have worked anyways.

At least, according to the Mayo Clinic, we should be able to have a biological child together.

I'm Still Here

I've been golfing a lot. I had a tournament yesterday (got 2nd overall) and have one next Monday...then the 26th and 27th of June is like the Women's City Tournament. Individual play. DH is my caddie on day 2. I hope to be in the top 10. That'd be nice.

DH and I were golfing on Saturday, just the 2 of us. We got in a stupid fight and I started crying, pretty hard. Choked on my iced tea. I guess that holding back all the pain and tears from all of this can hit at crazy times I guess. I've also been really b*tchy lately. That's not like me. I don't know if suddenly, 4 1/2 weeks post-d&c, hormones are screwing with me. But I'm pretty out of it these days.

I am a nut so I'm planning on seeing if our +OPK trysts worked by testing this upcoming weekend. Yeah, well I need something to look forward too. AF or a BFP are both fine with me. AF means we can move on.

I got the results from my chromosomal tests today - NORMAL. DH's are due in a couple days. At least its not me. I'd feel awful if DH had something wrong, but I'd like to know if that's the reason for RPL. If his test is normal, we'll go ahead with 1-2 more (DH wants 3 more) Injectable IUI cycles. Can you imagine? 10 IUIs?

We found some mini/micro-IVF in Madison. I'm following one blogger (makingmemom.blogspot.com) using this method; unfortunately, for some crazy reason it's not working for her (yet, b/c I think it will). The price is right...any thoughts on this?

3 of my co-workers are expecting. Due in September, October and November. I was the fourth one who was pregnant and would have been due in December. I have to see their growing bellies every day. Only 35 people in the office. The three of them work several feet from my desk. Some days, I'm fine. Others, it's tough. I just hope I don't start having crying jags. I would have been 12 weeks this Thursday.

Is it just me, or are most of the bloggers I'm following pregnant now? It's not fair, it seems, that I've been pregnant before them and they had to read about my pregnancies. Sad though, how the tide turned after my most recent loss. BFPs everywhere. 

With my luck, we'd get pregnant during our "break" and lose that one too. This sucks.

I'm Pathetic

Yesterday...6pm. Feeling cranky, wondering if it's legit or hormone-based. Felt boobs. They were sensitive. I've felt crampy lately.  Remembered I had 3 Dollar Tree Ovulation tests in my car along with 4 Dollar Tree HPTs. Decided to take an internet cheapie OPK. It was blazingly positive. 2 thoughts ran through my mind: (1) how am I ovulating 3 weeks after the d&c? I thought it'd be 2 weeks and I'm supposed to get AF this Friday b/c it'll have been 4 weeks since the surgery.... (2) holy shit what if I'm pregnant again ALREADY?

So I got an EPT out...kept it in the package. Doubted that I'm pregnant even though we BD'd (finally) 2 weeks after surgery. Ran down to car to get boxes of tests, DH stared at me, asked what I was doing. I said, "nothing" and ran back upstairs. Desperately tried to pee again. Got enough for an HPT and an OPK.

Guess which was positive?




....the OPK. Scared ya didn't I?


I squinted at the negative HPT (which had a fricking evap line) and told myself I was a sad, sad loser and shouldn't even be pregnant yet b/c my body needs to reset.



Then I said that I didn't care and decided to try to get pregnant again. Already. Even though our chromosome tests are on their way to the M.ay.o Clinic.



Needless to say, I'm trying to have an "oops" baby. I'm sick. I'm trying to punish myself. Why can't I just enjoy the 2 months off?


Because it's been my life to TTC for the past 33 months straight. I've been pregnant 4 times. Something's gotta stick one of these days.

Sigh. At least (TMI) our sex life is back on track. For now.

WTF Appt

Here's the plan:

Must wait till AF #2 post-D&C to start trying again. AF #1 isnt due till next week or so. Perhaps next Friday, perhaps the week after. I took an OPK on Saturday (15 or so days post-d&c) to see if I was ovulating or something to be able to better track AF's arrival (she comes 14 days after ovulation, typically no matter what). The opk was negative so I'll take one more probably tonight and if nothing then I'll just wait and see I guess.

So AF #2 should be mid-July. Fine enough.

In the meantime, I will live life and golf A LOT. I got new irons yesterday (Taylormade Burner Plus) and a new driver (Nike SQ Dymo Str8-fit Driver), a new Nike 4-wood and a new bag (also Nike) in Iowa Hawkeye colors.

Big purchase but 1/2 the price of DH's clubs he bought last year. I'm golfing 2-3 days a week now for the next several weeks with some big tournaments so I'll just enjoy that and not worry about meds, beta hells, 2wws, etc.

We are doing the karotyping/chromosomal analysis too. We'll get our blood draws done this week and get the results back hopefully before AF #2 arrives so we can finalize our decision to do 2 more injectable IUI cycles. If they don't work we'll go to IVF.

Dr. B understood our frustration with the "local" (1.5 hrs away) clinic and recommended Madison. I have been in contact with the Reproductive Center in Minneapolis but Madison is closer (2 hrs at most) and will allow all monitoring here, so we might go that route.

Dr. B said that barring any abnormal results of the testing, he believes we should be successful with an IUI. DH's parts work, I can clearly get pregnant, but Dr. B thinks we're just having awful luck.

I'll keep you all posted but I think it'll take me awhile to get back to daily posting. Lots of BFPs out there and I'm so happy for everyone who's found success after so much struggling.

I guess I'm just sad that I'm not on that journey with them right now and I kind of need to take a deep breath after miscarriage #4. It hit pretty hard. I'll try to do 1-2 posts a week. I will try to comment on other blogs, but the pregnant ones might take some time for me. I'm so sorry but again, I'm so happy for all of you.

Hi

I'm still here. Just trying to get through life. Our WTF appt is on June 1st. DH is adamant that we should do 2-3 more IUIs b/c 20% of them have worked. I'm ready for IVF but the closest clinic sucks (forced 1 embryo transfer; forced monitoring appts, all of them, at the clinic 1 1/2 hrs away).

I have to wait for AF #2 post d&c to start injectables again. We've decided to do a chromosomal analysis on the two of us to find out what the hell is going on and if they can find something. If there is something there, then IVF it is.

Anyone heard anything about Madison, WI IVF clinics? Chicago? Is Minneapolis the way to go?

2 month break. Yeah, we'll play it cool the first month, but we're going for broke on month #2 on our own.

Suppose I'll spend the next 6 weeks golfing, drinking, living.

D&C was worth it - painful recovery but one thousand times better having the D.emer.ol with it. Much less traumatic. DH was awesome - we're both sick of this shit though.

FOUR MISCARRIAGES.

Why???????!!!!!!!

Over

No more development. Had d&c. At home recovering with Demerol. I'm okay...

Its No Surprise

Ultrasound #2 today, well #3 if you count the disaster at the IVF clinic.

Still no fetal pole. 6w3d based on the IUI.

There should have been a fetal pole by now.

Scheduled another u/s for this Friday.

While the sac has grown as it should, the yolk sac is beginning to look abnormal and blood has gathered near the gestational sac.

If no progress (meaning a fetal pole and heartbeat) is made by this Friday, I'll miscarry. I'm not sure if I want a D&C or Cytotec again. Either way, I'm gettin some bangin' pain meds.

I'm going to go look up IVF clinics now b/c I hated the one we went to. Single embryo transfers only, must monitor there including blood tests, etc. Jerks.

6w4d/6w2d - 108th Post

I'm still here! Sorry if you were worried or concerned.

Saturday was DH's MBA graduation. It was hard to sit through all the undergrads and the speeches, but it was so worth cheering on DH when he got his degree (though it was empty b/c they sent him his degree via mail 5 months ago since he graduated in December).

DH, his parents and my parents went to Cedar Rapids to eat at Texas Roadhouse. I may have made a mistake in saying we'd go during the 6 week mark. I.Was.Sick. Nothing sounded good, the second I got too full, I needed to puke. Ridiculous. I could hardly enjoy our expensive dinner - I should have waited till the second trimester! Oh well I'm sure we'll go back then as well. :) I'm not complaining, I'm happy to have symptoms that don't include debilitating lower back pain. But the nausea - whew! It's out of control! I am holding back on the throwing up part but car rides are so difficult now. I'm thrilled to be back in the saddle. It's been over a year since I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant but it feels like yesterday.

Any how, I somehow made it home Saturday night without throwing up.

Yesterday, we went to my aunt's house for my dad's side of the family's Mother's Day get together. We go there every year for breakfast and my aunt and uncle make food for everyone - waffles, omelets, you name it. I was able to pick at some food to get some down but normally I would have dominated the buffet. Oh well. Next year I'll be feeding Junior during that breakfast and I'll be lucky to eat at all! :)

Then we went to the mall so DH could get his mom a card. Yes - he waits till the day of EVERYTHING to buy cards. After that we went home, I cleaned up the kitchen and living room b/c they were really messy and DH mowed the lawn.
We went to his parents' house around 4 after watching Inglour.ious B.asterds. Pretty graphic but funny nonetheless. I ate a tiny bit of chicken, mashed potatoes and corn with some strawberries and a mini-carrot thrown in. I gave up all drinks with Asp.aratame so all they had besides gross country water was Strawberry pop. It was like syrup! Dang. Oh well, it's all for the baby!

So tomorrow is ultrasound #2. If I'm able to not throw up before then, it'll be quite the feat!  Last spring the first time I threw up was at 7w5d, but the baby was at 7w2d. So I figure I have at least a week right? Yeah I don't think so.

Oh, best part of yesterday? DH got me a mother's day card. I didn't want him to but he did and it was cheesy and he got me scratch lotto tickets. I didn't win anything but it was still sweet. And I got a foot rub. So, not a bad Mother's Day. Hopefully, it's my last one without a baby of my own!!!

6w1d/5w6d

So I figure this kid's measuring 5w6d. But based on LMP I'm 6w1d. I figure Fridays are good middle days so today, to compromise, I'm six weeks. :)

I'm way more relaxed now knowing that this isn't ectopic AGAIN. I couldn't have handled that. I just need to get through the next four days and then we should be able to see our little one again.

I am completly convinced it's a boy. I am probably wrong and I don't care what's between its legs, but in case I'm right, I'm throwing it out there.

I feel sick after eating more than a child's size meal, which my last 2 meals have been (not counting breakfast - oatmeal was a disaster that exploded in the microwave). Can't wait till I start puking. That was the best part of last spring's pregnancy. It felt so real then.

Thanks for all of your support - there are so many blogs I want to continue commenting on, but I'm so afraid of offending someone because I KNOW what it feels like - I still count myself as an infertile. I haven't even gotten to double digits in weeks yet so please don't think I'm off in la la pregnant land. I've been here 3 other times and had it ripped away from me. I'm still scared every time I look at the toilet paper/my undies. When I hear other pregnancy announcements, it still stings. Is that crazy? I guess I'll always be snarky about fertiles.

So if I'm not commmenting on your blog, it's not because I don't care - I'm following all of you every single day. I think about you all and hope tremendously for the best for all of you and it means so much that I'm in your prayers.

Ultrasound #1 - 6w0d

I can't believe I made it this far.

There is one, beautiful gestational sac in the uterus. One beautiful yolk sac right inside it. Because the IUI was on CD16 and not CD14, I'm more like 5w5d than 6w0d but that's fine and the u/s tech said that the gestational sac and yolk sac are looking perfect and she thinks that if I came in tomorrow we'd see a heartbeat.

We are going back next Tuesday at 4pm for a follow-up ultrasound (Ultrasound #2). Based on LMP I will be 6w5d but the baby should measure more like 6w3d, which is where it should be. The sac was about 5mm and to see a heartbeat it should be over 20mm.

The doctor said that all subsequent ultrasounds will be fine, every other week, but for insurance purposes, I'll have to call in with "spotting" or something in order to get in, and he'll approve all of them.

What if I really am spotting though? How will he know the difference? I'll just tell the kid to not cause any trouble so I can have my fake-emergency ultrasounds every 2 weeks till the first trimester is over. :) After the heartbeat u/s next tuesday, I'll be in for the 8 1/2 week one an the 10 1/2 week u/s. I'm sure he'll have me come in at the 12 week one for protocol, so I just need to sneak in 2 more for peace of mind.

I am still in shock that as of today, everything is normal.

What's next? An actual baby?

5w6d - 25.5 hours to go

So I woke up at midnight because my cockatiel (had him for 15 years, long story) was freaking out in his cage. I got up, took him out and went to the bathroom. Then I got this bad cramp, like AF cramps. I've been having them but this one lasted about 5 minutes, at least. I got worried. I went back to the bathroom (I put the bird back to bed at this point) and figured (sorry TMI) that I just had to go #2. No dice. The cramping went away after about 10 minutes and I had no spotting or anything. But it reaffirmed to me that I can't get too attached to this thing yet b/c if I lose this one, I'll really lose it.

Everything is either going to continue on track tomorrow or this thing will derail. I'm not ready for bad news. My in-laws and mom keep telling me that everything will be fine and that the u/s will go well and that I should be positive. They have no idea what we're going through. How can I possibly expect that all will be fine after three losses? I don't trust my own body anymore. I wipe and inspect toilet paper like a CSI. I look for every possible change in symptoms or lack thereof. They are hopeful, I am realistic.

I think I'm too attached this time though. Not necessarily to the baby even, but to my child. The one I should have had by now, the lifetime I should spend with my baby. It's the "life" we grieve when we lose a baby, the dream of what could have, should have been. I'm not ready to give up on that dream yet.

TV report:

(SPOILER ALERT)


*Glee was awesome last night - much better episode than last week.  I'm bummed about Jesse James (Jonathan Groff) breaking up with Rachel though. I hope he comes back - I love his voice and he's such a cutie even though he's g.ay. "Physical" was way too funny! Did Molly Shannon's guest appearance seem like a flash in the pan? They could have done so much more with her...

*American Idol. Hmmm. Looks like Crystal is not so modest anymore, constantly arguing with the judges now that they don't "love" her performances anymore. Lee will hopefully win - then things will work out best for both him and Crystal. I can't stand Casey or Mike and Aaron's cannon fodder. I wonder what next week's theme will be? Could it get much worse?

5w4d

Still here. All is good.

Just watching Tough Love Couples. Christina is crazy!

I'm scared about Thursday. What if the u/s is bad? Then this dream is over. I'm starting to think that I won't be able to handle it well.

I'll keep enjoying being pregnant for now.

62 hours until the ultrasound. Sigh.

5w3d

So I didn't even think, till five minutes ago, of entering my first and last betas to see the entire line of progression. This appears to be along the lines of "normal".


If I'm still pregnant tomorrow, I will have beaten Pregnancy #3 (ectopic) and I've already beaten pregnancy #1 (4w5d).  That 9w0d challenge is presenting itself. Game on.

Still feeling okay. I've had on and off cramping (lasting maybe a minute at the most) since the beginning and I had that with all three pregnancies/losses and I guess I'm supposed to cramp a little so that's fine. No spotting. Nausea if I'm sitting for a long time and I'm hungry. My boobs still hurt - I need to get better dress bras. The old, saggy sports bras aren't going to work at the office.

Still can't wait till Thursday at 9:00 am. Our lives are going to change, hopefully in a good way and not the bad, depressing, surgical way that we're fearing.

5w2d - Circling Pattern

You know how when a plane needs to land but has to circle around the airport while waiting for clearance? Yeah, that's how I feel these days.

Will there be a sac? Will something be in it? What if this is ectopic again? What if it's heterotopic?

What if it's normal?

What is normal?

So I sit here, waiting, trying to keep myself busy. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, like it always does.

Still taking Dollar Tree hpts b/c I'm a nutcase.

Trolling the internet to read other blogs, pregnancy sites, etc. Just trying to enjoy this while it lasts.

5w0d - Still Okay

Well, no betas left to do, I just keep peeing on dollar tree tests to see if the lines are getting darker. They are...
Boobs still hurt.
Lower back is still killing me - I swear something in my back is out of place (but I hate chiropractors and I'm deathly afraid that an adjustment will have a negative impact on the pregnancy). So I just deal with it.
I refuse to take Tylenol or any other medications. I took amoxicillin and Tylenol during my 2nd pregnancy and I will always wonder if that contributed to the loss even a little bit.

So I keep using the heating pad. It works.

DH and I have calmed down a lot since we got the good beta news yesterday. Now we're pretty much holding our breaths until next Thursday morning's ultrasound. Around 6 1/2 days left. Sigh.

Once we see a heartbeat here's what happens:

I will try to schedule ultrasounds for every 2 weeks (if not weekly!) because of our history and since it's our money we should be able to have them often till the 2nd trimester, when it should be monthly. But I'm the crazy RPL/Pregnant lady so this should not be a surprise to anyone.

We have not been to the Texas Roadhouse restaurant in Cedar Rapids since right before we got married. That was around October 2007. We promised each other after last spring's loss we would not eat there, separately even, until we got pregnant again and heard a heartbeat. So if everything is good next Thursday, we're going to Texas Roadhouse with his parents and maybe his sister and her husband (still not pregnant; am I terrible for smiling at that?).

DH will be allowed to attempt the 1 pound burger challenge at the restaurant in our neighborhood.

DH will be allowed to eat a Hardee's Monster.Burger.

Are you getting the theme of these events? In order to keep DH from eating and looking like SHAMU, I had to promise him these eating rewards when we got pregnant and reached different milestones.

These are the big three that he wants. So he's got a lot riding on the ultrasound. Lol.

I don't know what we'll do for 12 weeks, but at 9 weeks I want to do something for sure. It'll be Memorial Day weekend so I'm sure we'll think of something we've been holding back on .

IVF appointment - sucked.

Basically they seemed annoyed that I showed up pregnant. Like I timed it that way or something. So we talked to the nurse - an IVF nurse who speaks IF. Yeah, it's like doing IM-speak with a teenager. I was in my element. I rattled off everything and she was taken aback at how knowledgeable I am about all of this.

Same reaction from the Financial lady. We qualify for Iowarranty, the shared risk program. The RPL isn't in the exclusions so we're good to go there. Just about $20,000 for everything. So that sucks. Stupid insurance.

I then had an ultrasound. Apparently, my tubes look all wonky and there was a lot of "cellular" fluid behind my uterus and between the ovaries. They suspect a hydrosalpinx (fluid in the left tube) and that's why the doctor said that if I do have an ectopic, he wants the tube(s) removed b/c they'll just cause problems for IVF. They might have a higher chance at twisting during stims, causing problems for the ovaries, etc. That's why. Hydrosalpinxes (sp?) aren't allowed for the IVF program admission. That's what I was told.

Other than that, they couldn't do blood draws or the "mock transfer", or have DH give a sample to be frozen. They said to keep them posted and let them know what we want to do.

Right now? I don't want to do IVF b/c I'm pregnant. But if this one bombs, we're going there. The doc said more IUIs would increase our risk of an ectopic based on what he saw in the ultrasound.

So that's that. I'll keep you all posted. Hopefully things keep trucking right along. Thanks for all your support and comments - I don't have people to really vent to or share this experience with and you ladies are it for me and I love that. Because you get me, you get this, and you don't judge. So thank you.

Beta #4 update

I FINALLY got the call this morning about the results of Beta #4. It went up to 354 mIU in 48 hours. That's a 160% increase and doubling time of about 35 hours. The doctor's office thinks that this is normal and that I don't need anymore betas. I was basking in the glow of such wonderful results that I didn't argue. I figure that if I have more betas, I'll just obsess.

So I will need to wait 8 1/2 more days until the 6 week ultrasound to see if the little bugger is in there. The only thing we can think of to have caused such a slow in the betas is a possible lost twin. I have had no pain except low back but that's around my tailbone and not muscular. It feels like a disc slipped or something but a heating pad and stretching has helped. Otherwise my boobs still hurt, I feel nauseous a lot, and I'm tired all the time.

I will hold out that one small bit of doubt that I'm actually going to have a baby. I had one good beta jump last fall before the ectopic blew. But those numbers were around 131 on 19dpiui. My numbers are double that today and it's 19dpiui. So I'll take it.

I'm still pregnant and I'll enjoy it till it ends.

*Last year when we lost the baby at 9 weeks, I gave all the ultrasound pictures, baby books, baby socks, cards, etc to my DH. Anything related to babies, he shoved in the back of his closet, not to be seen till I was ready. Sunday night, before the bad beta on Monday, I went into his closet and found all that stuff and got it out. I looked at it all. I then set up the books and baby socks and Willow Tree box on my dresser. I got out the bella band and the doppler. It's all out. If we lose this one, we know that we'll do IVF. So for now, I plan on keeping it all out. But regardless of what happens, this pregnancy, more than the ectopic, has helped me heal so much from what happened last March.

*Also, today is 4w6d. My first loss ended at 4w5d. I beat that, so yay me! The next one, ectopic, ended at 5w3d. I just have to get past this Sunday and then the only loss I have to beat is 9w0d. After that, I'll set a new personal record and hopefully actually have this kid!

Thank you all for your support and well wishes. I'll post later on the IVF appointment/disaster and tell you what happened there.

Beta #3

I'm pretty devastated. Not bleeding - yet. Didn't even double in 3 days.

IVF appointment was a trainwreck. I got an u/s and they had four people trying to figure out what all the free fluid/blood was in my "cul-de-sac". You might want to google that.

So....beta #4 on wednesday. The IVF doctor wants both my tubes removed surgically, once this pregnancy tanks, so that I'll be allowed into the IVF program; they looked really bad on the u/s.

I'm going to go sulk now. They think this is ectopic or chemical but it's "too soon to tell". Whatever.

I won't cry yet.

15dpiui/4w2d-ish

All is well here so far. As long as I don't see any red/pink stuff today then I will have officially missed AF by the end of the day today. :) Took my last HPT (for now) this morning, in the dark, and with the little bit of daylight peeking through the blinds, I saw the 2 lines pop up together as the pee crossed the testing window. That made me feel so much better. Though I was fully awake at 6:45 am. On a SATURDAY. So I stayed up, watched tv. DH went into work for some stupid training thing at 8 so I sat on the couch till about 10. Then I went upstairs and watched "New Moon" for the 10th time and fell asleep. It was wonderful.

We told my folks last night. I figured the longer I kept it from Mom, the more angry she'd be when she found out later on down the road. I told them the betas were good so far and the progesterone was excellent, but not to get too pumped b/c the last 3 pregnancies were failures. Mom was beyond excited. It was nice to tell someone. We're going to tell DH's folks tonight b/c they keep asking if the "procedure" worked from a couple of weeks ago. Figure, why not tell them? No point in keeping it a secret from the folks now. They've been though our last 2 pregnancies, why start keeping it a secret now?

So that's that. Beta #3 is on Monday morning. I will post as soon as I can with the results!

Beta #2 Results

Okay - its at 70 mlU. That's a doubling time of 32.31 hours. It's normal and rising well! I was hoping for more than 100 but to get nearly tripled levels is wonderful!  At this rate, it should be over 200 mlU by Monday for Beta #3 at 17dpiui.  As for the progesterone, I have to give you the background on that before I tell you the level:

Pregnancy #1 - never got P4 numbers, chemical pregnancy
Pregnancy #2 - 24.5 at 12dpo, never rechecked, gradual spotting until miscarriage
Pregnancy #3 - 10.1 at 13dpiui, ectopic, had been on progesterone suppositories 2x/day at 50mgs each since 3dpui

Pregancy #4 - 72.7at 14dpiui!!!!! I've been on suppositories since 3dpiui and the doc said not to continue with them!!!! I'm almost more excited about that than the beta number! I have theorized since last year that the reason for our 9 week loss was b/c the progesterone levels were too low. Well with these awesome numbers, I KNOW there is a better chance for this one.

DH and I are telling our parents tomorrow (possibly even tonight) because if something happens, they are always there for us while I'm in the hospital or whatever and they've been so supportive with everything...

We'll see what happens, but for right now, I'm pregnant and it doesn't look doomed at this moment. I just want some triple digit numbers!!! Well, based on the doubling time, I'll be over 100 mlU by tomorrow night!

Waiting for Results of Beta #2

WTF? The first results were in by 8:45 am on Tuesday for Beta #1. Still waiting for Beta #2 results! I called Dr. B's office at 9:20 am today b/c I was worried (and impatient). The nurse told me the results were listed as "pending" on the lab's website. She said she'll call me if she "thinks about checking the labs" in the next couple of hours and that if I don't hear from her at 1pm, to call her then.

2 and a half years. 3 losses. 7 IUIs. 8 cycles of Clomid. One laparoscopic surgery (emergency). Four trips to the ER for miscarriages. Thousands of dollars for IF treatment. Probably hundreds of dollars on HPTs. Countless tears, sleepless nights, fights with my husband, looks of pity from family and friends.

I wish the nurses felt what I've gone through so that they would make my Beta a priority. But whatever. I will call and bug her at 1 if I haven't heard yet.

Still freaking out. The tests are getting darker - surprisingly the crappy Russian cheapies are showing the biggest changes. The FRERs are slowly getting darker but are pretty dark as it is. The Dollar Tree HPTs didn't get too dark for me last spring till I was about 5 weeks so that's fine. They're showing a progression as well. But the Russian cheapies, when lined up, show the trigger leaving my system and the legit hormone increases starting on Monday (10dpiui) and Tuesday (11dpiui). It is quite positive today (14dpiui).

It's so hard to be "pregnant" when I haven't even missed my period yet. Based on my past history, I get AF exactly 15 days after an IUI, 16 days after a trigger. So probably 14 days past ovulation. At least all these drugs fixed my luteal phase. So logically, based on how late the IUI was, AF would be due tomorrow. But it won't come. I have banished her. :)

So if anyone wants to share anything to keep me entertained/occupied/from tearing my hear out and biting my newly painted nails??? That would be great!

Even just how your day is going - embarrassing RE stories - stuff like that! Please?

13dpiui/4w0d

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! You lovely ladies are so wonderful and your support has helped me so much! Nobody IRL knows but our doctor's office, us (of course), and possibly one friend b/c DH let it slip on Tuesday that this cycle might have worked. I don't have anyone else to blab to all day about it like I want to so the fact that I know you're all out there rooting for me/us is amazing. You all have seen how my RPL can be a problem so I know that if things start to go downhill, you will still be there. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Truly.

So, on with the fun stuff, I guess:

Yep - I put up the baby ticker. I had to. Here's why: I have wanted to do that so badly since last spring's loss and after the fall's ectopic that I swore that the second I got a BFP and reasonable beta, I would do it. If this goes down the crapper, then fine. But at least I got to have those days/weeks with the ticker and the happiness it has brought me.  I just hope that positive thinking will have a positive result!

Also, based on LMP, I am 4 weeks today. But, based on the IUI being 13 days ago, I'm probably more like 3w6d. But I don't care. The doctor will tell me to base it off my LMP and should things change, I will adjust the ticker (and my mindset) accordingly.

Symptoms:
Boobs are still sore - not just the nips but those are plenty sore as well. Not so much at night but it's been that way for each pregnancy. I think it's the laying down part that helps. I just did a touch test. Yep. Ouch.
Pulling/cramping feelings - because I got to feel them for about a month last spring for my 9 week pregnancy, I can really tell the difference between AF cramps and these cramps. Though they are a bit similar.
Nausea - I had milk with dinner last night. I kept sipping on it well into the evening. By 9pm I was trying not to puke.
Smell - just like the other pregnancies, my sense of smell has not diminished. My unfinished breakfast burrito from the gas station (I know, what was I thinking?) that is now in the trash is not making my tummy happy.

I am still POAS-ing like a mad woman, looking for any sign that they're getting lighter. Not yet but they're slowly getting darker. I have to keep reminding myself that it's ONLY 13dpiui. Beta #2 is tomorrow. I will know the results about 24 hours from now. I'm trying desperately to be productive but I'm pretty sure that I'll be distracted all.day.long.

I will keep you all posted will all good and bad news. I won't disappear this time like I did last year. I need this blog. It's like my best friend. And this way, the people in my life won't be annoyed with my constant obsessing! :) Besides, who else would get what I'm saying, how I'm feeling, what I'm going though. I'm surrounded by fertiles!

Beta #1 results

.....drumroll...........



25!!!


Betas for the ectopic:
13dpiui: 10
15dpiui: 33
17dpui: 56
19dpiui: 131

My levels are already double that of last year's 13dpiui and this beta is a day earlier!
I don't think it's multiples with only a 25 but I'll take it.

I am pregnant. Holy shit. It worked. I think the IVF appt next week may be a little awkward. lol. I want my ultrasound!!!

*I don't think we're anywhere near over the hump yet and we are taking this one day at a time. We aren't assuming anything and we will forever expect or not be surprised by the worst.

I already love this baby. I want this baby. I do not want anything bad to happen. I will be more assertive with the doctors and demand progesterone level checks weekly if necessary.

Heck - we were ready to spend upwards of $15k for a kid. Might as well spend some of it on excess ultrasounds and blood draws right?

Pregnancy #4 - How Long Will This Last?

I was awake at 4am. I stayed in bed till 5:30 because I peed at 3am. Sad, but the only reason I stayed in bed was because I wanted more concentrated pee. All I could think about was if this is ectopic again or if we're having twins, how to tell our families, etc.

So I peed on an "Answer" at 5:35 am and took a quick shower (progesterone is gross so I shower at night and in the morning. My skin is so dry!!). And when I got out, the test was positive and getting a bit darker. DH and I had discussed doing a digital today and I told him that if we do one, I want him to be there for it but I wasn't waiting till he woke up to do it.

Thus I woke him up at 5:50 am and asked if he still wanted to do that together or have me do it on my own. We agreed I'd leave the pee cup in the bathroom and bring in the active test. So I did. I set it on his night stand and turned on the light. I kept saying that it's early and it may still be negative...

"PREGNANT"

Yep! Finally! He was pretty happy - he got over being woken up. Neither of us slept well anyways so it didn't really matter. I doubt we'll sleep much at all till we get to see an ultrasound or something.

For now, according to FRER, EPT, The Dollar Tree and those crappy Russian cheapies: I'm Pregnant!

Okay I have to get ready for work but I just wanted to share this and some pictures:

Please excuse the scary no-makeup face and my undone hair. I had to do a digital bfp shot. I ALWAYS have.

Beta #1 is in about an hour - I'll post as soon as I get the results!

HPT Pics - BFP!!!

Here is the Dollar Tree test I took at lunch today:

But here's the beaut - above is this morning's test. Below is what I took at 5:45 pm this evening:

If you can't see how dark the second one is - then I just don't know what to say. It's amazing!!!

I'll be taking a digital tomorrow. If it isn't positive (its my last one dangit!) then I'll know the number is under 50 mlu and that it's still early. But if not, I'm thinking multiples! It's so soon!!!!

I.am.way.too.excited.

Holy Crap

I went to Taco Bell for lunch. Fresco tacos - highly recommended.

Went next door to dollar tree. Bought like, 8 tests. And a 6-pack of kiddie cups to pee in.

Drove back to office. Saw my mom (who works in the building across the street; another story, a hole 'nother time). Chatted. Hadn't peed since 6am, starting to feel the urge to piss pants.

Got into bathroom, peed in kiddie cup. Used dollar tree hpt. Prepared myself for squinting, seeing evap/indentation lines.

Instead, there are two very distinct pink lines. The one on the right is dark - control. The one on the left? Quite noticeable. The dollar tree test from Sunday was negative.

Oh my frigging geezus. I think I'm pregnant.


*UPDATE: I called Dr. B's office and got them to let me do a beta tomorrow. I know it's only 12dpiui, but then I'll get another one on Friday if tomorrow's is positive for pregnancy. And I guaranteed Nurse Sweet But Flighty (my favorite) that it WILL be positive!!!!!

Wha?

SHUT.THE.FRONT.DOOR. (as Stacy says on TLC's "What Not To Wear")

Um, the FRER was positive this morning. It has been 12 days since the trigger shot. Today is 11dpiui. Um, the trigger is ALWAYS gone by 12dpiui. Oh, and the FRERs don't typically get darker between 10dpiui/11dpt and 11dpiui/12dpt like the have in the past 2 days.  So....I am starting to think that I might not be a complete nutcase.

The digital was negative, but it's 11dpiui for friggins sake. But the FRER was a pronounced positive.

My boobs still hurt. Well, just the nips.

I woke DH up five minutes early and asked if he wanted the good news or the bad news. He wanted the bad news first - I told him that I think I need to buy more prenatals (I get the gummy ones, all the rest make me not want to take them. These are like candy, which I like very much). He then asked for the good news, and I showed him the test. After waking up some more and putting on his glasses, he said he could see the second line (which is rare when I typically shove negative tests in his face .

For some fertiles, this would be the jump up and down moment. For us, we discussed the possible beta schedule, what to do about golf league (I'm way too scared to do any physical activity in the 1st trimester), next Monday's IVF appt, etc. We don't get too excited in our house over a positive pregnancy test. Ha. We know better.

But - I know I thought last month worked but my ban on blue tests seems to have helped because all the FRERs are positive and getting darker. And, they aren't close to being expired. The 2 digitals from Ebay arrived last night. Also expired. Didn't work at all. I wasn't happy.  But the FRER was positive last night too so that made me just confused but hopeful.

So - am I? Am I not? We'll know more tomorrow at 12dpiui/13dpt. I am, however, starting to get a little excited. I was listening to Glee's "Like A Prayer" in the car and started tearing up at some of the lyrics. I'm a dork but I haven't cried in almost five months. I think the waterworks will really start if I get a positive digital and if we have an u/s next Monday if it's a legit baby...I will obviously keep you all posted.

Psst - estimated due date is December 31st, 2010 if this is real. If not, then my metabolism is the worst ever and I have no clue how I've lost a pound this week. I eat like a teenager.

Seriously? Seriously.

Okay now I don't remember my (sorry for TMI) nipples hurting this dang much since I was pregnant with the ectopic and real but doomed baby last year. I mean ouch.

Boobs just sittin in my bra, nips aching. I decided to do a touch test. Ouch! 

If this is progestrone-related, I'll be pissed. Not at all surprised in any way but pissed.

Lol, I keep hoping (like a nutcase infertile) that my trigger shot was out of my system yesterday and the now positive tests are real. It could be true. I sometimes have had negatives by 11dpt/10dpiui...uh.

I think I'll be pissing on a test when I get home in about 5 hours. This is driving me nuts!

Okay - rationalization here. Only b/c my tits hurt: if an FRER is positive tomorrow and if I don't have to squint at the test, I'm taking a digital. There. Bam. Decided. lol. And if it's positive tomorrow - I'm thinking of demanding a beta by Wednesday.

Also - next Monday at our IVF consulation, I'm getting an ultrasound. How. frigging. cool. if I get to have an early pregnancy 4w4d ultrasound to make sure it's not ectopic again! What if it's twins!?!?!?

Woah. Slow down crazy lady. Too much sugar for lunch. Amazing how depressed I am on CD1 but what a nutcase I am around CD26. lol.

But seriously. My tits hurt. And I've felt crampy for days. And I've not been pms-y.

10dpiui - Holding My Breath...

So I kept peeing on sticks over the weekend. Even 2 FRERs that expired last April. Of course they were both positive...lol. Now I'll never know if it was because of the trigger or the expiration!

But this morning's HPT (doesn't expire till July 2010) was faaaaiiiint positive. There was a clear second pink line though. I keep finding that my trigger isn't out till about 12 days after the shot. My metabolism sucks. At least I know now instead of getting all excited (again). If I still get a postitive tomorrow (12dphcg/11dpiui) then I will really get frigging excited. Like one of those little lap dogs that jumps on people who come though the door. Yep, that'll be me. Lucklily for me, I found a stash of HPTs in my medicine cabinet (it's pretty huge) that includes 6 Answer tests and 3 FRERs. I also have 2 digitals and then two more FRER digitals on the way from Ebay. At least I won't be spending tons of $ on the tests this month. I already bought them (and apparently forgot about 1/2 of them). lol.

As for symptoms? My bbs are getting quite sore. Every.single.month. I get a symptom though and I keep thinking it's from the (stupid) progesterone and then I can't remember how my bbs felt the month before. But I can definitely say the've been hurting since about yesterday.

Finally, for a "funny" story, on Saturday DH was outside weeding (not getting into that part) and I was on teh couch watching Bones on our laptop. All of a sudden I heard my cell phone ringing in the kitchen and it was DH's ringtone. So I ran to grab it thinking something terrible had happened to him outside (instead of just going outside)...oh wait, I had our/my cockatiel on my shoulder (that's another story some other time) so I couldn't go outside. Anyways, I was wearing my cute Sketchers slippers with zero traction and when my foot hit the hardwood floors from the carpeting I had been on, my feet flew out from under me and I slammed on the floor on my right side really hard. The bird started flying around the room screaming, I just laid there trying to figure out if I'd broken a hip or something and couldn't tell if I wanted to cry or not. I eventually got up and went outside after hobbling around, grabbing the bird and putting (shoving) him in his cage. I found DH and he said he accidentally called my phone, he'd meant to call his dad. I didn't think it was funny but he did and now I have a bruise on my hip/butt. It hurts but because the bruise isn't huge (see: In a League of Their Own; bruise scene) he just laughs at me. And I rarely fall. Hrumph.

That was the "highlight" of my weekend. I hope everyone out there had a good one! I'll post daily updates and if I get a BFP tomorrow or any day this week, I promise I'll only post pictures of FRER/Answer tests or Digitals. No more blue-line tests. The're bullcrap.

7dpiui

I'm obsessed with web trolling, looking for other people's symptoms, results, trying to find cycle buddies. I spent way too much time online this week.

Sigh.

I dripped my pee (from the dropper) onto a Dollar Tree test today. I haven't seen a positive one for a long time...I'm just waiting to see when the trigger is gone.

Yawn.

This 2ww is taking forever!!!!!

6dpiui

So. I changed my template again. I'll probably do that till I'm happy. I'm becoming pretty indecisive about it. But if you see that the template is different every time you see my blog, it's not a different blog, just me trying to figure out what I want to do with it (for free...).....

Sigh.

I got some HPTs in from Ebay last night. The cheapies. Yep. And this time, they are not Wondfos. They are from Russia (or somewhere around Russia b/c of the language printed on them). I took one last night. I was 5dpiui and 6dphcg. It was almost faint positive. Definitely not negative, but not the strong positive I was expecting And for a 20mlu minimum, that's surprising. So...since they only cost $3.00 for 10, I'll probably just test out the trigger with them and keep some for the actual "testing days", otherwise known as 12-14dpiui.

Other than my obsession with finding out if this cycle worked, I got to enjoy the return of GLEE on Tuesday night. I did squeal when Idina Menzel and Jonathan Groff appeared on screen. DH has no clue why but for anyone who knows who they are, it's obvious that GLEE is not holding back on talent this season. Oh, and American Idol has gotten strange. Ryan Seacrest is bizzare - and after his Brian Dunkleman comment, I swore that there will be a Secrest Checks Into Rehab announcement in the next six months and that I could no longer stand him. His behavior has been so manic this season that I've thrown in the towel. Here's how the season should end: Crystal shouldn't win but at least place in 2nd or 3rd. That way she will have more control over her career when she's signed (which WILL happen) and will be able to play her own music. Lee Dwyze should win and I wouldn't be surpised if Casey James is in the top three. I can't stand Screechy Strange Shioban and Mike Douchebag Lynche. They should go soon. Aaron Kelly is a sweet boy but should wait a couple of years and then go country. Tim Urban should get on TV. NOW. He's hot and can kinda sing but I think he's "commercial" and should get an acting career going. He won't win AI this year, I can guarantee that.

Back to the possible embryo or lack thereof that I'm thinking about 24/7, I am starting to think that the big follicle (likely over 31mm at time of ovulation) might have been too mature and not viable for fertilization. But.....the 16mm-er from the day before the trigger was ripe and with the additional time and Repronex, I'm positive it got over 18 or 19mm by the time ovulation occurred. It grew 6mm in 2 days, so that's where I'm getting the numbers. Now THAT follicle and resulting egg should have been perfect. I wonder if people get twins from 2 completely different sized eggs?

Finally, I also got in 3 boxes of Answer HPTs from Ebay. Each box has 2 tests in it. So I have 6 Answer tests for next week. I will likely begin taking them at 10 dpo unless the Russian cheapies are negative. I love to rationalize. I'll keep ya'll posted but I'm sure there won't be any news for about four to five days. Till then, I'll keep peeing in cups and jabbing sticks into them. Gross. Gotta love infertility.

Long Version of Our "Journey"

Because the right side of my blog has become quite full with this chronological "novel" of our Infertility, I decided to change what you see to the cliff's notes version and have this available for people who want the whole story....enjoy. Or, please don't enjoy. It sucks. Balls.

Our TTC (Torture) Journey


11/9/2007 - Get married, start trying for a baby!

3/18/2008 - Week late, BFP!!!

3/19/08 - Chemical Pregnancy

4/08 - 12/08: BFNs

1/8/09 - Meet with RE, start workups

1/15/09 - DH's S/A, not good. Low count, bad motility

1/23/09 - HSG, all clear!

2/20/09 - BFP!

3/10/09 - Saw heartbeat!

3/19/09 - Spotting, freaking out begins

3/26/09 - Bleeding, u/s shows normal pregnancy inside, baby is growing, normal hb, cervix closed.

3/27/09 - 9 weeks. Painful, severe, devastating miscarriage in ER.

3/28/09 - Admitted to ER again for incomplete, given Cytotec. 4/09 - BFN (supposed to take a break, yeah right)

5/09 - BFN (still supposed to be on break)

6/9/09 - IUI #1, 2 million post wash. BFN

7/9/09 - IUI cancelled due to cyst. IUI #1 was a cyst too, not an actual follicle containing an egg.

8/5/09 - Appt with urologist for DH. Dx with severe MFI. No varicocele. Blood draws ordered.

8/7/09 - IUI #2. Post-wash count is only 2 million. BFN. 8/19/09 - DH dx with low testosterone and Rx Clomid. Follow up in 3 months.

9/09 - BFN

10/09 - BFN

11/3/09 - IUI #3 (8-12 million post-wash, they couldn't decide). Motility was awesome!

11/16/09 - BFP!!!! Beta #1: 10

11/18/09 - Beta #2: 33

11/18/09 - Follow up with urologist: excellent s/a numbers, 60 million with 51% motility!

11/20/09 - Beta #3: 56 (getting quite worried now)

11/22/09 - Beta# 4: 131!!! (started relaxing but still concerned)

11/27/09 - Sudden severe pain, Dx with ruptured Ectopic in ER. Rushed into emergency surgery. Fired Dr. M. Hired Dr. B who did surgery and saved my right tube.

11/30/09 - IVF Prelim Appt; cancelled due to what we thought was a successful pregnancy prior to the EP disaster

12/3/09 - Follow up beta #1: 31

12/10/09 - Follow up beta #2: 3. Dr. B gave us green light to TTC and promised IUI #4 after first AF post-surgery.

12/31/09 - BFN

1/13/10 - IUI #4 (1-2 follicles, 15 million post-wash! 50mg Clomid)

1/24/10 - 12dpt/11dpiui, trigger out

1/28/10 - AF arrives - DH knee surgery - CD1

2/9/10 - 100 mg Clomid. Follicle check, ultrasound, trigger; 1 yr anniversary of baby #2 conception.

2/10/10 - IUI #5; 2 follicles rt ovary, 35 million post-wash!!!

2/15/10 - DH checkup w/ Urologist; Total count 100 million, total motile 35 million. No more clomid after Feb 2011.

2/25/10 - AF arrives, IUI #5 BFN.

3/9/10 - U/S follicle check

3/10/10 - IUI #6; 1 follicle right side 21mm; 30-35 million post wash.

3/25/10 - AF arrives, IUI #6 BIG FAT FAILURE.

3/29/10 - Baseline u/s; begin 100mg Clomid for 5 days

4/2/10 - Start Repronex injections for 3 days

4/5/10 - U/S follicle check; 2 follicles left ovary, 26mm and 10mm, 2 follicles rt ovary, 8mm and 9mm. IUI#7 in danger of cancellation. Repronex for 2 more days.

4/7/10 - U/s follicle check; 2 follicles left ovary, 31mm and 16mm! Repronex once more, then trigger on Thursday.

4/8/10 - Trigger shot

4/9/10 - IUI #7; 2 follicles (left ovary); 30 million post-wash with "great" motility.

4/26/10 - IVF PRELIM APPT - Not cancelling this time...

CD20/5dphcg/4dpiui...trying to pass the time

So. It's early in the two-week wait. I can no longer drink, consume caffiene, and all the pineapple is giving me canker sores. *chuckle* I also do not want to eat the core. Texturally, it's not appealing or easy for me to digest.

This morning, as I munch on my "Blueberry Muffin" flavored Pop Tarts, all I can think about is if this cycle worked. When I can test. When I would do betas. When we'd get an ultrasound. When we'd announce to our families. How we'd tell them (again). Then, if doubt creeps in my mind, I think about the IVF appointment and the fact that we're planning on doing the IVF in less than 3 months and so everything will be okay.

I have to make myself believe that this year (and now I'm thinking of years as in from March 27th to March 27th, instead of January 1st to December 31st, etc) will be it. I will be pregnant or have a baby by next year's anniversary. We are going to do it. We won't have any money but all we need is love, right? lol....

Started the progesterone supps last night. They suck balls. I feel like I'm in junior high b/c I have to wear a pad all the time. Well, mainly just at night. So then I just feel like a kid wearing nighttime pull-ups. TMI but I can feel them leaking so then I dream that I've started my period so I wake up, go check, and by then I'm awake at 2am. Then I realize I may as well put in another one for my 2x/day protocol. Then it starts all over again. Yeah, I do one around 9 or 10pm, then whenever I wake up to pee, between 2-5am.

No, it's not a 12 hour gap like I did when I was laid off and had the time to lay down for the damn things. Some ladies can pop one in and walk away while it all spills out into a pad. I cannot do that. They are not cheap and I'm terrified of the leakage being something I needed or the hypothetical baby needed.

Is anyone reading this any more of an expert than I'd like to be? Advice?

*Also - after working 11 hours yesterday, I went to get my hair did. The girl I usually go to at the salon was too booked up so I had another chick. She gave me Kelly Clarkson Hair. No lie. Dark with huge blond stripy chunks. I said I couldn't live with the hair like that. So, after she'd colored, washed, cut and dried it, she basically had to redo the color. I didn't get home till after 9pm. I.was.not.happy.  But she fixed it and I like it now. Though the "trim" was a bit too much and now I feel like I lost 2 inches. I'm desperately trying to grow it out - don't laugh - for Bella hair. Yep. I want it down to my chesticles and layered for loose curls. Probably no headband though. I am approaching 30. uh. 30.  Don't get me started on that one. It's not the age I'm afraid of, it's the no baby by then that terrifies me - that will mean 5 years. Okay - I'm done.  Till next time.....

IUI #7 Done - New Blog Layout/Template

Well. It's done. Dr. B wasn't available so Dr. E did the IUI, for the third time. I asked, first thing, what was the post-wash count? Now, this is our SEVENTH IUI. You'd think that the same staff we always have would remember or read the chart/file to remember that we started with crappy counts.

"It wasn't stellar. About 10 million per cc," says Dr. E.

Panic begins.

"Well, how many cc's?"

"Three."

"So the total count is at least 30 million?"

Here's where it got confusing. I got 30 out of this. They kept saying 10.

I said if the TOTAL COUNT was only 10 million, why should we waste our own money on an IUI if we're going to do IVF in three months anyway?

I quickly got them to clarify that it in fact WAS 30 million (they don't do a complete count) and it was on with the IUI. Speculum: painful. IUI: quick enough.

Wham bam thank you - you crazy infertile lady.

Dr. E: "Well, you'll want to take a pregnancy test in about 2 weeks."

Fricking Duh.

Me: "Oh yeah, I test out the trigger."

And no lie, this is what he said in response to that -

Dr. E: "Okay then you just tell me what you want to do, okay?"

Jerk. He said it all smart-assy. Nurse Nice But Flighty was there.

DH was sitting next to me while my hips were up for 20 minutes. He decided to look out the window.

DH: "Nurse Nice But Flighty is outside. Hmm"
Me: "Um, what time is it? How long have I been sitting here like this? Is she going to her car?"
DH: "It's five till 5pm. I'm not sure if she's going home but I wouldn't be surprised if she forgot about you......oh wait - she has a timer in her hand. Now she's hugging someone, weird, and I think she's coming back in."

Lo and behold, a few minutes later, and after I'd laid there for 30 minutes, she came in and said we could leave. Last month, Nurse Greasy Hair (there are 3 "infertility" nurses) was the IUI #6 nurse and when she put up my hips, she said we could leave when we wanted to, no timer for us.

Yeah. I can't wait to go to the IVF clinic. They have GOT to be better than this.

What a cluster. Oh well.


I worked today. Yes, Saturday. Six hours. Overtime paid at time and a half. I'll take it!

I start the progesterone tomorrow. Sigh. Here we go again!

Also -

In case any of you missed it - our IVF preliminary consultation is on Monday, April 26th. I can't believe I might have forgotten to shout it from the rooftops!

The soonest we can start cycling (best case scenario) is June/July.

That gives us this three cycles before IVF. This cycle is included. I figure the last cycle, I will be given BCPs, so we'll see.

Counting the days. 18 of them left.

We are PRAYING (and we're not religious, a catholic and a lutheran) that we qualify for the IOWarranty program (3 frozen, 3 fresh, most out of pocket is $17,500 if IVF #1 works)...money back. I think we won't b/c of 3 miscarriages.

Some programs say if you've had more than 2, or 2/more, they reject you.

I'm willing to guess that a large amount of IF-ers have RPL. Hmmm.

CD 15 - Trigger Today

83 days left till "Eclipse" is released in theaters. Im' about 25% through re-reading Breaking Dawn. Sigh.

I'm sure you all want to know but we bd'd last night (we have a secret code: sex = pancakes; long story but if we're in public and need to have a conversation, we say pancakes instead. It's easier to say, "we're having pancakes tonight, right?" than the other option when you're trying to figure out the IUI sex schedule in public). So there should be about 30 million swimmers in there, waiting, biding their time. You know girl sperm live longer than boy sperm? lol....

So my sister, the ER nurse, will give me the trigger shot at lunch today. I took the Repronex last night (again!) but the prescription included 2 dosages so I'm not sure if they want me to use it tonight too or what? I'll call and find out.

I'm positive that the 16mm-er on the left is over 18 by now at the growth rate from the past few days, so we're good to go on 2 follicles. I read that some REs don't like the follicle to be over 20mm and others dont care as long as it's under 40mm. Strange. I don't have an RE (coverage doesn't allow it) so my ob/gyn "fertility specialist" says that low to mid 30's will have to do on this but they prefer anything over 17mm to 30mm.

Follow-up note from the other day: We watched "Couples Retreat", not "Couples Resort". I am a HUGE stickler for getting things right and to screw up a movie title is completely the opposite of me. So, my apologies for any confusion. Someday I hope you are all impressed with my vast pop culture knowledge. I rock at Jeopardy too.

Watched American Idol last night - I've been watching this show since the Season 1 finale episode - SPOILER ALERT!!!!!



I can't believe they used the save on Big Mike. Though his vocals were "hot" on the Swan Song, my fear is that Crystal Bowersox may go home early if the voters pull a "Daughtry" in a couple of weeks or so.

Grrr. Oh well. I'm sure that Tim and Andrew or Andrew and Aaron will go home next week.

I guessed correctly on all counts last night: bottom three, safe, bottom two, eliminated, saved. All of it. DH is my witness. I'm sure he was annoyed b/c he was trying to watch the Dodgers game online. MLB.com blows. It freezes till about mid-season. Oh well.

I will keep you ladies posted - thanks for the support! It's like crack to me. I swear. :)

I CAN control everything!

I am such a bitchy patient. That's why I just got back from Dr. B's office with TWO FOLLICLES!!!!! No more letting them decide what's up - I'm in the damn driver's seat now!

Ultrasound - substitute chick, hurt my vajayjay. She used the dildo cam as a weapon, I swear.

I saw the right ovary, a bunch of little follicles but none that stood out as reasonable.
Then I saw the left ovary (after she jabbed me a bunch of times) and BAM! Huge follie! I figured it was the same one as Monday that had gotten to about 30mm. Then I saw another one, a little smaller, but it looked big enough to count. It was the 10mm-er from Monday.

Lining up to 9.3 from 8 in 2 days. My lining is usually around 11 or 12 so 9.3 sounds better. It should be around an 11 by Friday.

Yeah Friday.

IUI #7 is back on!!! The big follie is 31mm and the next one is over 16mm!!!  Screw you Dr. B. You were wrong. Sure, the 8mm and 9mm follicles went away but I knew I could squeeze one more out.

And they're both on the left side where my tube should be pristine so I feel 100% better than I did on Monday. I have to take one more vial of Repronex tonight to boost that "little" one some more to push it over the 17mm minimum and then tomorrow we are triggering.

I then told Nurse Awesome But Kinda Flighty that I no longer want Clomid used in my cycles. I want Follistim or something else. She asked if I'm up for Letrozol and I said we could discuss in 2 weeks if necessary but at this point, no more Clomid. 8 cycles is enough.

So thank you ladies for your support. DH apologized when I explained his behavior was making everything worse and has been wonderful. PS, and possible TMI, we have to BD tonight, so yay for him I suppose.

My belly looks like I got hit with paintballs and that those bruises have faded - I got strange welts, then bruises from the little needles.

The Trigger is a huge needle that goes in my upper ass. That never leaves a scar or has welts. Hmmm.

Well I'm just so happy and so glad that I refused to trigger on CD12 and instead, it'll be CD15, like I thought.

Things that cheer me up: 84 days till Eclipse, and 6 days till GLEE returns!!!! Also - discount Easter candy.

ONE FOLLICLE. Just one. And 3 little ones

I haven't cried in a long time. I don't remember when - maybe it was when I was in the ER the day after Thanksgiving experiencing my ectopic pregnancy. I think that was the last time. I still haven't cried. I am doing everything I can to hold it together.

The doctor wanted to trigger today. I have a 26mm follicle on the left ovary and another small one, 10mm I think, on that one too. Then I have a 9mm and an 8mm on the right.

I told the doc that I would rather do it on our own if he was going to trigger me this early, on CD12. It's ridiculous! I'm a late ovulator! Why would he do it so soon!? He said that once a follicle gets over 20mm, the smaller ones become suppressed and the dominant one "wins". Well, I said we'd do it on our own tonight and then I'd like to keep doing the repronex for a couple more days and then another u/s on Wednesday. If it pops, then at least we got some swimmers in there and we'll BD more on Wednesday and Thursday. If not, and the big one is bigger with the smaller ones around 14mm, then he said we'd wait a couple more days and trigger Friday.

The doc doubts the smaller ones will catch up but I'd rather try this than always wonder. Most likely, no IUI this month. Fine with me.

Oh, and DH really is pissing me off. We had hotel sex on Saturday but not Friday so he whined all weekend. Then all day yesterday he kept bugging me for sex on Sunday night and demanding to have some tonight. I just want to smack him! So I texted him a bunch from the drs office to let him know what's going on and he's saying he wants to do it twice tonight.

He gets so juvenile and doesn't get that I'm near my breaking point with frustration and disappointment and he's bugging me about sex so that HE's happy. What an insensitive jerk. Typically, when the issue doesn't involve sex, he's wonderful. But with IF comes scheduled sex and he's clearly having issues with that. Even after TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

I have to pick up my meds after work b/c STUPID NURSE OLD LADY was an idiot and wouldn't give me the damn shot like the doctor told her to and she told me to go pick up my meds at the pharmacy. Well I had to go to work so now I'll get them at 5:30 when the place is closing down and then drive home to give myself a shot, nearly 10 hours later than if I'd just taken a shot this morning.

I hate all of this. I can't wait for IVF to work with people who can get me pregnant. The doc thinks I will be fine on stims but he didn't give me too much this cycle b/c he was afraid he'd over-stim me. Clearly, we have a problem and I obviously need more meds.

I am just so upset that I have nobody here to call and talk to or a friend to come over and hug me and let me just cry. I have a horny husband and my blog and even though you wonderful ladies follow me and leave such wonderful supporting comments, I still feel so damn alone. And everyone who was my friend is either pregnant or doesn't want to hear about our "problem". Especially my ex-bff who was my maid of honor and is now dating my brother-in-law. She basically ignored me all weekend and I needed her to talk with me like she did last year and if our "problem" came up in conversation she got really uncomfortable.

I. cant. wait. for. IVF.

I'm going home in a couple of hours and giving myself that shot and then i'll either break down and cry or go run. and I never run. only when I'm really upset.

CD11 - U/s tomorrow

So I got all the shots done. I got some welts around the injection sites and they are pretty sensitive, but all seems to have gone pretty well. We made it home from Indy in one piece.

DH at a "Big Ugly" 22-oz burger on Saturday afternoon at lunch with the whole family there. We all went out to eat and when he heard about the burger challenge, he had to do it. He finished it with no problem so he got his picture on the wall. Even though he's trying to lose weight, I supported his overeating for the experience with family, etc. But typically, I vote no to Hardees and other horrible places to eat. We got fat after we graduated college b/c we ate whatever we wanted all the time. We each lost about 40lbs before our wedding and we've been trying to keep it off ever since. DH nearly gained it all back but is only about 25 lbs from his pre-wedding weight. I am about 18 lbs from my pre-wedding weight but I'd be happy to lose 5-10 lbs at this point. I bought new running/walking shoes last week so that should push me to get outside now!

U/s is tomorrow - I'll let you all know how many follicles I have. We're hoping for at least 2-3 on the left ovary since the right tube is most likely screwed up from November's ectopic pregnancy. The doc won't trigger if there's more than four on one ovary. I took an LH/Ovulation test when we got home to see what that would look like. It looks like it might be positive in the next day or so. I assume I'll be triggered by Tuesday. Hopefully not tomorrow. I'd think an IUI on CD13 is a bit early.

I'm The Queen Of Shots!

Oh yeah. I stuck a needle in my stomach this morning. I was a little bit of a baby but it wasn't the shot part itself that was so scary - it was the mixing of the Sodium Chloride and the Repronex, then trying not to kill myself with an air bubble. The needle's pretty small so it wasn't that big of a deal. I put a bandaid on it though. Lol. No blood. lol. wuss.

I do have a red patch about the size of a quarter around the injection site. No other reactions so I figure it's normal. I just took the last of my Clo.mid. Next stop - injection #2 tomorrow. Now that I get what I'm doing, it shouldn't be that bad.

I'm in Indianapolis for the weekend - no I don't get to watch any of the final four games. Darn. Just visiting some in-laws (husband's family). It's pretty boring - they all know we're doing IF treatment and that neither of us can drink. Bummer is, they're all huge drinkers. I feel like such a prude when I turn them down. I did have 2 bud lites and a lemon drop shot in about 8 hours. I'm pretty sure it won't affect anything.

Okay, I'm tired. Till tomorrow - peace out.