Married 3 Years - TTC 3 Years.....Today

Ahhh. Our 3rd wedding anniversary. If my bridal self could see my current self, she'd be pretty bummed about the following:

I don't have a kid.
I have gained the weight I worked so hard to lose. Well, all but 15 lbs of it.
I'm most likely depressed and have less than a handful of actual friends because I pushed everyone else away.


However, here are the positives in my life:

Instead of one cat, we have 3!!!
We own our house (well, we pay a mortgage, but we no longer rent!)
We have an SUV.
We have a control on our finances.
We have smartphones.
We have a 46" LED flatscreen with a Wii.
We have a new-ish couch we bough last year - I call it the butt couch because it looks like it has butts all over it.
DH graduated with his MBA this spring.
DH got basically his dream job at his Alma Mater.
No one has stolen our credit.
We both make decent money.
Still married....duh.
And most of all, we survived our wedding and it was amazing!

So in all, the good list is better than the bad list. We have achieved so many great things that we thought would take years to complete. Sure, things are things, but for college sweathearts who were poor and idealistic, we would be pretty pumped at what we've accomplished by 2010.

5:40 pm - November 9th, 2007 in the Hummer Limo after our ceremony...awww

Yay us!

Insight Into A Couple Facing IVF

Since we got the ball rolling on our upcoming IVF in St. Louis, I've been a non-stop talking machine about all things related to IVF and what you ladies have been posting, commenting, experiencing. The only thing is, I blab to DH and nobody else. He is my best friend in the whole world and we're together every waking moment that we aren't at work. When we are working, we email.

On the way to work this morning, I kept talking about the projected dates, when we need to have the money for the IVF bills and meds, how many shots I'll be giving myself, on and on and on. I asked him why he was so quiet and he said he was sick of talking about IVF and he wanted to talk about something else.

Logically, as an obsessed infertile, I was hurt. This is my life. This is what it's come down to. Its a reflection of who I have become and who I have always been. When I take an interest in something, I research the heck out of it.  Items I want to buy, movies, books, actors, singers, sports, weddings, babies.... I demand to know every single thing I can learn about my obsession of the moment.

I've wanted a baby since the day I walked down that aisle. I've read books, blogs, journal articles, phamplets, news reports, anything I could get my hands on. I've watched documentaries, video blogs,  YouTube videos, movies and how-to videos. I consider myself an expert who is just shy of a licensed physician or Reproductive Endocrinologist.  I have never heard of a passive infertile. If you weren't a Type-A before trying to concieve, you will become one. I have been Type-A my whole life. If I couldn't control something, I quit or tried as hard as I could to get what I wanted.

This is the first time in my life that I find myself near the end of a journey that I just knew would result in what I wanted. If you asked me three years ago if I thought I'd need IVF to concieve and carry a baby to term, I'd say no way. Now? I can hardly breathe at the thought that this last chance, this $10,000 dollar hail mary, turning over all control to a doctor hundreds of miles away.....might not work. Or that it could work and we'll lose another baby.

I'm terrified that my mental and emotional state won't survive failure. This effort - this IVF cycle - is the pinnacle of our journey together, of every single day of our marriage, starting with our vows. We don't know what marriage is like without trying to have a baby. What it's like to not live through constant disappointment and terror. Through loss and frustration. Through one person being in another place emotionally than the other. My mind is 100% focused on IVF. Every waking, even every sleeping moment is full of thoughts of "what if"s.

When DH got out of the car this morning, he sensed that I was upset that he said he didn't want to talk about IVF anymore. Not the logistics, the money, the fears or the excitment. He'd said he was sick of it.

He asked me if I was mad at him. I said I wasn't, that I was disappointed and I wouldn't make a day of it. (I tend to hold grudges, sometimes all day. Usually forever with people who wrong me. It's a terrible aspect of my personality). We kissed goodbye and he walked into work.

About 15 minutes ago, he sent me an email asking if I was still mad at him. I said I was not mad, just frustrated. Here is how he responded:

"I know, I am frustrated too not at you or anything, I'm just frustrated at the entire situation and how everything is out of our control and also not a guarantee.  I am scared about what could happen and I am so excited to do this, but I just have my doubts and it is really stressing me out, which I am sure it is stressing you out as well."

See? Same thoughts as me. The difference? He keeps them to himself instead of constantly talking about it with me. We are so different yet so the same. He is able to sum up his feelings in three sentences. Is it because he's a man?

When we buy a lottery ticket, we spend our own money on that wish. We know the odds are next to zero that we will win any of that money back. But we still hope. This IVF is our lottery ticket. Instead of a dollar, it will cost $10,000. Probably more than that. What are the odds we'll get pregnant? Over 50%.

I just wish the real lottery had those odds.

I Got Our Protocol - Anyone Got Leftover Meds?

I have so much to share but I'll try to keep it to cliff's notes:

The IVF nurse told me that because my AMH is at 1.7, that indicates a "sluggish Ovarian Dysfunction" and so I've been put on a Long Lupron Protocol.

Med list:

2 Lupron 14-day kits

Repronex (I already have 10 vials of 75IU at home)

1 Follistim 900 unit

1 Follistim 600 unit

Doxyclicline 100mg 2x/day for 10 days

Prednisone 10mg/daily (begins right before ER)

Heparin 5,000 units every 12 hours starting day after ET

1 Ovidrel

PIO 1cc every 24 hrs


Does anyone have any non-expired leftover Follistim I could buy from you? I will pay for shipping too - I'm treading carefully due to the new insurance and I'm having my local doc call in the Follistim, Ovidrel, PIO and Lupron. I can get the Doxyclicline, Prednisone and Heparin locally under regular coverage and super cheap too. Doxyclicline is now in the $4/month generic listings for Target and Walmart, so not too shabby there.

I'm super afraid to go through ivfmeds.com for several reasons but it's there as an option. Once I get a copy of the meds I need my local doc to order from Schrafts/Walgreens, I'll get a call from that pharmacy with the total out of pocket I'll owe for the meds before they'd send me anything. Then I'll have a much better idea as to how much we'll actually need to spend on this. I should know by early next week what the amount will be.

Otherwise, I am to start BCPs around 11/16, and then we're going back down to STL around 12/6 for our full-day finalization of everything, talk to Dr. S some more and get injection lessons.

I begin Lupron, get this, on Christmas Day. What a super duper present!  We'll go back to STL right after New Years for my baseline monitoring, ultrasounds, and then a few days later I'll start stims!  Projected Egg Retrieval is January 17th, 2011.

I'm so excited!  At the same time I'm so incredibly terrified. DH is draining all of his 401k and pension money for this one shot at a baby (or babies, hopefully we get more than one, am I terrible for wanting multiples?).

Did you ladies order your meds right away or did you wait till you started BCPs, did you get anything separately?  I just don't know what this new insurance will cover and the policy specifically said it wouldn't cover IVF meds but IUI meds are covered and Follistim is used in IUIs, so I don't see that or Ovidrel being turned down...but you never know. At least Dr. B (my IUI doc) is happy to call in my meds so as to distract the insurance company from the fact we're doing IVF, hopefully they'll think we're just doing another IUI....thank goodness I pushed to pre-order Repronex in September. That cost $45 for 10 vials. Nuts, right? Now that our coverage has changed, I have no idea what anything will cost.

Whew! I need to remember I was going for Cliff's Notes, not a novel...

But we are so excited!

Also - I found out yesterday that one of my biggest idols, Idina Menzel, is currently on tour and she is stopping at Minneapolis on 11/19 and in STL on 1/23.

I want to go to one of those concerts, but if we do the ER around 1/20, I'll be on bed rest and back home by the time the Sunday 1/23 show rolls around...dangit!

I'll be looking into ticket prices and availability for the 11/19 show in Minneapolis. Woot!

Thank you so much ladies for all your support; I have a feeling I'll be leaning on you pretty soon for more since other than DH and our parents, I have NOBODY here to talk to about this....I'm just so excited and scared all at the same time!

Welcome to November

Happy November everybody!

Updates and other matters for a quick post:

*Thanks to my new followers and to those of you who comment and email me....life is till not all roses for me and I know you're all dealing with your IF journeys along with regular life, and I'm so sorry that I haven't been commenting regularly, I guess I have been just protecting myself from becoming an emotional mess. But I'm so happy for those who are on their way to beating IF and for those of you going through IVF in the next 90 days or more, let's keep our fingers crossed for an incredible 2011!

*I was wrong about last week's OPK. Last night's was the most positive I've seen in a long time. So, AF will show up on 11/14 and that's when I start BCPs!!! Woot!  I wanna baby! Also, when I discuss plans with DH regarding next year, etc, I always include, "...when the babies come...", as if I expect us to have multiples. I should stop doing that because I'm afraid I might be (and this sounds insane) disappointed if/when we are preganant from IVF and we find out we're "only" having one baby. What is wrong with me?

*If you are pregnant and don't want to read any bad news (not about me), see ya later! Otherwise, scroll down (I'm trying to be sensitive to anyone who wants some kind of spoiler alert, just like I appreciate):












Lily Allen (the British singer) has lost her baby at 6 months. You can read more here: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/39947994/ns/today-entertainment/

I remember reading about her first miscarriage around the time I had my first loss and I felt a small, and what you might think is strange, kinship with her. When she announced her pregnancy a few months ago I didn't find myself jealous like I usually do (I'm jealous of Mariah Carey people. Again, what is wrong with me?). But when I saw the news this morning about Lily Allen losing her baby in her sixth month of pregnancy, I teared up and I feel so absolutely terrible for her. "Regular" people go through this all the time, unfortunately, but for a celebrity, I can only imagine how difficult it is to deal with this tragedy without much privacy. I don't know what I'd do if everyone I worked with knew we've had four miscarriages and are starting IVF in a couple of weeks.

So, I just ask that you keep her in your thoughts as we all deal with our pain of IF and loss. It's not that I'm a fan of her music, I just connect with people who deal with similar things in their lives and now she's lost her precious baby, being so far along. I can only imagine what she's going through....

Moving On

My fake silver cap on my nub of a baby tooth is feeling pretty good. I get the crown put on December 1st, so I have to chew on the left side of my mouth till then. Fun. And right around my favorite holiday - halloween. No I don't love it for the dressing up and spooky spirit, just the candy. I have a pretty bad candy addiction and it's been a problem since my first taste of candy when I was a small child. I wonder if there's rehab for candy addicts. There should be a dentist on-site...don't you think?

I believe I got a positive OPK yesterday, putting AF's arrival exactly two weeks from yesterday or today. I don't know if Dr. S will want me to come down St. Louis on CD3 or early in my cycle for an antral follicle count or if he'll do it any time around the end or beginning of my cycle? I confirmed with the IVF nurse yesterday that I will start BCPs when I get AF so that's super exciting!

I have to stay positive that this IVF will work - I have been pregnant 4 times, my uterus is looking excellent and the mild endo shouldn't affect anything. It's a matter of staying pregnant that's scary. I hope the prednisone/heparin/baby aspririn/progesterone(PIO) will work! I sure won't be in the running for a bikini contest after months of injections though!

Finally, can anyone direct me to a website or pharmacy who has very low prices on IVF meds? I don't know what they'll want me on yet, but I'm hoping that we can get all our meds for less than $1000. Is this possible? I think I'll be on Lupron and since I already have all the Repronex I need, I was told I will also need Follistim. I don't know if I'll need Ovidrel, but it looks affordable.

And if anyone knows of anyone who has leftover but non-expired meds, please send them my way. Thanks!!!!

Just think - if this IVF happens in January 2011 and we get a kid out of it, I'll be a mom by this time next year!!!!

You've Gotta Be Kidding Me!

So yesterday, a chunk of one of my molars broke off. It happens to be one of my 2 baby teeth.

No, I'm not kidding, I have 2 baby teeth as the adult/permanent teeth never developed.

I had to have an emergency crown repair to the tooth last night after work; well, the silver cap is on, and my permanent crown will be put in place December 1st.

Due to my severe dental anxiety, I had a bit of a panic attack thanks to necessary shots in the ROOF OF MY MOUTH and upper back gum line. I took a Xanax (which I'd gotten for my HSG but didn't use b/c of it's postponement) right before the shots so it didn't kick in till about 10 minutes into the procedure. I cried, shook uncontrollably, and hyperventilated.

I'm 28 years old and not a drama-queen/hypochondriac.  I've just had a ton of (painful and extensive) dental work done in my life and I can't handle it as well as some people.

I listened to Pandora on my Droid phone and tried to calm down during the drilling and jabbing of things into my mouth. Concentrated on keeping my mouth open as wide as I could, etc. They kept wiping tears off my face, so that was nice. But the cost was $1,000.

Are you kidding me? Like we didn't have urgent need for any cash we have for my recent (financed) surgery or upcoming IVF?

I wanted to say my day sucked, that my life sucked.

But I know there are people out there with much worse lives or situations so I felt guilty even thinking that.

But my day was not at all enjoyable. I got home, took a demerol and went to bed.

I will at least say that I had a severe case of the Mondays.

10 Days Later

Has it only been ten days since my last post? Amazing.

I'll give you the rundown:

HSG was postponed b/c AF didn't show till 10/15 due to massively late ovulation.
Had consult on Saturday 10/16 - we love Dr. S! Can't wait to get started.
Dr. S wants following tests/labs/procedures done before we start:

DH: S/A and Hemoglobin A1C (to check for diabetes).
Christa: CD3 FSH and Estradiol; Hysteroscopy w/ HSG to see if tubes are open and if there's any scar tissue; find out Antral-Follicle Count from first IVF consult in April, AMH test.

Here's what we have accomplished since LAST SATURDAY:
DH: S/A done. Count has plummeted to total 16 million with 50% motility and a high pH. No morph count in yet. Hemoglobin A1C: 5.4, supposed to be between 4-6. Unfortunately his Glucose came back at 108. Cutoff is 99.

Christa: FSH 7.9, Estradiol 21. Both normal. AMH test sent to Mayo Clinic for results.
Hysteroscopy w/ Laparoscopy for Tubal Dye Study completed on Thursday 10/21/10. Still recovering.

Guess what they found when they were poking more holes in me? Fucking Endometriosis. Yep. Stage I-II. I've never had it before and Dr. B (who did this procedure too) looked for it last November during the Laparoscopic surgery to repair my ruptured tube from the ectopic pregnancy. He showed me pictures last November: no endo.

Suddenly, I have three spots of endo!?!?! What the hell!?

It shouldn't cause IVF to be cancelled, right? Dr. S will just have me on Lupron, right?

I'm kind of freaking out. But at the same time, my tubes are open and we've run all the tests we can run....We're doing ICSI but DH's count drop is not good, that's for sure.

Sorry I took so long to post, it's been a crazy week.

But we've put money down with the clinic and we're scheduled for a January retrieval date! Dr. S said this cycle is a "Testing Cycle" and that I'll start BCPs when I get AF next month, likely mid-November. We'll go back downt to STL to set up the calendar and for him to do an U/S and we'll be able to finalize everything.

That's where we're at.

Hey - anyone puke after Hysteroscopy and/or Lap? I started puking today!

Smiles and Grrrs

So - quick updates:

AF is not here yet.
She won't be till tomorrow or Friday b/c I didn't ovulate until CD18 or CD19 (wtf is up with that too?). Today is CD32. All BFNs but I swore the last 3 days I was knocked up. But it was wishful thinking.
Email from awesome nurse at IVF clinic included the following: an HSG before bleeding has ended can cause endo. Huh? Well I'll believe her. My doctorate in GoogleIVF isn't as prestigious as her nursing degree and years of experience in IVF. So the HSG for this Friday will likely be cancelled as of tomorrow and I'll try to get one in next week locally so as not to derail everything. She also said a retrieval will likely happen in JANUARY. Um, my psychotic need to schedule everything has an expectation of a retrieval in early December. Dangit. We'll straighten this all out on Saturday because the doc will either put me on about 20 days of BCPs or 40. 40???? That's a lot.

So help from you IVF ladies? If CD1 is this Friday, and I have the HSG next week, what do you think he'd do based on your experiences? Do you really think that it'll get dragged out for all of November and stims in late December?

As for my life outside TTC, I had 3 cat trees/condo/towers delivered and assembled as of last Saturday morning and they are too cute! Pictures are coming, I just need to take some of the last 2 we assembled.

And finally, I have added 3 new blogs for your reading (and drooling) pleasure:

http://epicute.icanhascheezburger.com/
http://bakeitinacake.com/
http://prettyprettyyumyum.wordpress.com/

For someone like me who has a sweet tooth that surprisingly hasn't caused diabetes or complete tooth rot yet, these sites made me smile this morning and I can't wait to see all the new delicious creations they show us!

Question

Is there something wrong with me in that because I wore a dress (and heels) to work today that it's not only a big deal for me but at the same time a huge hassle but I still feel like a grown-up and quite sexy?

This dress - with similar heels - and curly hair

We're going to "Wicked" tonight in Madison and since we live a 1/2 hr in the opposite direction and changing into a dress after 9 hours of work is a pain in the a**, I wore it today. With a little black mini-sweater b/c it's chilly in here and I hate my arms.

And to prove I'm not a proper grown-up, I'm wearing a black tennis skirt with shorts in them b/c I don't own a slip. And I would prefer shorts on because whenever I wear a dress (with the exception of my wedding dress, and even then I think this happened) people see my panties.

Luckily for me, I was walking with DH past VS (you know what this store is....do I need to say it?) after buying my dress and I walked in with him, to his surprise. I said he could pick out a pair of panties or a thong for me. He turned all red and the excitement must've gotten the better of him, he just told me to pick something out and he'd be cool with it.

Did you know that VS took out all XL sizes from their stores? Unreal. A very helpful and nice but overweight gal working there gave me the complaint line information and said that they might bring them back if more people complaint.

Turns out, I found a buried XL but 2 Ls fit me. So I feel pretty good about that.

In TTC (torture-tested christa) news, it's 8dpo. Nips are getting kinda sensitive. Slight nausea.

I think my diet (a crappy one) is to blame for most everything.

Finally, another question: is it bad that I can't sleep at night without 2 Benadryls? A Benadryl dosage is the exact same as an OTC sleeping pill dosage and each only has one ingredient, the same ingredient, Diphenhydramine. Sad and strange that if I needed benadryl for actual allergies, it'd completely knock me out because it's a sleeping pill.

Finally

Okay so last night I tested with yet another OPK. Positive.

Had some baby-makin' time with DH to hopefully save the $10k+ cost of IVF. Fingers crossed. We'll give 'er another go tonight and/or tomorrow.

Tested again this morning and the test line was darker than the control line. I guess I'm REALLY ovulating. The pinching pain on my right side made me curious about that yesterday.

I have prescriptions from both Dr. S in St. Louis and Dr. B here locally for pain and panic control for the HSG. Don't worry, I'll talk to the pharmacist when I pick them up as to interaction issues, what and how much I can/should take, etc.

As of today I have health coverage. After going without since 9/12, I was quite nervous. It still doesn't cover IVF. Dangit.

Last night DH and I ran errands after work. One stop was at a local drug store. He was looking in the clearance bin for deodorant (don't ask) when I walked up to him with a bottle of Malibu - Pineapple flavor, a bottle of Riesling, and a bottle of sleeping pills. He seemed concerned when he put the items together but I assured him that they're all separate and no I don't want to take them all together. Sheesh.

DH and I argued a lot last night, just pissy stuff. When we were going to bed it came to a head and we both vented a lot. He started crying when I said that all I want to do is be at home 24/7 in my sweats and just stay there all the time, not doing anything. He said he sees that in me and it scares him that he can't do anything about it. I said that I'm miserable and I want everyone around me to be miserable too. He can't drink and hasn't since July '09, save for a couple of beers every other week. He said he's sick of not having any friends. I said that all the friends he had ditched him when he stopped (binge) drinking with them on the weekends so they probably weren't that great of friends. I also acknowledged that I've pushed away all former friends who have babies because I can't emotionally handle being around them and he said that he wishes we could hang out with people more. I told him it's still self-preservation and he has his own softball team, golf league(s) and other activities that keep him social without me.

I know I probably have been a bit depressed for the past three years, but it's not debilitating and I'm surviving so I'm not planning on doing anything about it. Unless IVF #1 fails. Then I think I'll probably derail.

CD17 - No "O"?

Hi. I'm not so grumpy today.....

I've been dipping OPKs into pee-filled cups since CD14. Nada. No ovulation yet. I am currently freaking out for the following reasons:

1. the HSG is supposed to be done around CD5-CD9. At this point, I haven't ovulated. It is possible the HSG will be on CD2 or CD3. Oh crap. It'll be a seriously bloody, painful mess. I hope it isn't cancelled.
2. I get AF exactly 14 days after I ovulate. Well, sometimes 12 days. Still, at this point I'm not expecting AF till 10/13 at the earliest now, still making the HSG fall on CD3. WTF!
3. No I'm not pregnant. I checked. Dammit.
4. what if I missed it? Good thing we "did it" Saturday night (CD13), but still, that's not like me to ovulate exactly mid-cycle.

So that's it. Any thoughts on an HSG being a little earlier in the cycle? It shouldn't be too much of a problem, right?

I watched "Parenthood" last night on NBC. One couple was fighting about whether or not to try for baby #2 (according to them, #1 was so easy to concieve). All I did was heckle. DH didn't really appreciate me throwing popcorn at the screen either. Gotta love being a bitter infertile.

We are loving our '09 Chevy Traverse. Can't wait for upcoming road trips: 10/8/10 (Madison, WI for "Wicked"), 10/15/10 (St. Louis, MO for HSG and IVF consult). I'm sure we'll find somewhere else to go in that thing. Other than continual trips back down to St. Louis!

The only good thing about AF running a little late would be that the IVF cycle would be set up better so that the typical transfer days don't fall around Thanksgiving weekend, as they were shaping up to be. I would have to be on more meds to delay/prolong stuff. Perhaps the 2-3 day delay will save us some med money.

Finally, when we go down for the consult, we'll finalize everything and hopefully get started right away. I'll get my med list and go about quickly finding the best deals on the necessary meds. I have 10 vials of Repronex and 5 days of 5mg Femara/Letrozole pills. That should help. I use Shrafts/Walgreens typically but if any of you know a cheaper (proven) option or have leftover meds I could buy, it would mean the world to me! DH is draining his 401k and Pension to pay for IVF #1 and he said (though I might be able to change his mind) that if IVF #1 doesn't work and subsequent FETs or if we don't have frozen embryos, he doesn't want to finance further cycles. So since the meds might be mostly out of pocket this time, any money we can save would be amazing! Again, even with DH's new job, there is zero IVF coverage.

Oh, yeah. The retrograde ejaculation on the day of IUI #9. It was unexpected and I contacted DH's urologist who said that he wouldn't see this as anything other than a fluke and doesn't think it'll happen again but if it does that we should contact him. Dr. B (my doc) thought it was some kind of stage fright. Yeah right. It wasn't DH's first rodeo. He's all business with that stuff now.

One Month Later

You know I follow everyone every day. I write blog entries in my head on a daily basis. But for the last month I haven't entered them. Bad stuff happened, but not that bad.

-IUI was cancelled the day of because even though I got FOUR beautiful follicles and a perfect OPK, DH suddenly had retrograde ejaculation. The microscope ironically showed only four sperm. No not four million, four hundred thousand. Four. And they weren't even moving. Panic ensued.

-Tried on our own that month. Waste of time. BFN.

-Day of cancelled IUI (which we chose by the way, Dr. B suggested postponing till the next day but we figured we'd missed the optimal window and out of pocket didn't seem like the best plan) I called the St. Louis clinic and scheduled the phone consult for exactly the same day I wanted it 9/15.

-Phone consult was awesome. I like Dr. S very much. He said I should get another HSG (gasp!) b/c of the ectopic and subsequent emergency lap to remove it last November. I've been diagnosed with hydrosalpinx this year already and they can significantly lower the chance at successful IVF. He'd rather clear them with an HSG then remove them b/c I still can get pregnant on my own, just a slim chance of that happening.

-"Celebrated" my 28th birthday 9/16. Woot. Depressed, cried myself to sleep. You know why so I don't even have to explain it.

-Ordered 2 cat trees, got one free. I'm a cat lady. And will be one for halloween. Also thinking of using my Price Is Right nametag with cat lady costume to be a cat lady who is a contestant on the price is right. Funny, no?

-Somehow got dream-date of 10/15 for consult but it got bumped to 10/16 (saturday) so that the HSG could be on Friday 10/15. 6 hour drive to St. Louis is scheduled and hotel room is booked.

-DH realizes that we would be making dozens of trips to St. Louis and back in may 2005 Suzuki Forenza (see: clown car for tall people) and freaked out.......we are in the middle of purchasing a 2009 Chevy Traverse. We are now happy.

-Daily panic attacks about another HSG (torture I tell you!) and have convinced Dr. B to give me Lortab (his med choice, not mine) but I'll only get 2. So I begged Dr. S's nurse for meds too. I'm a bad bad girl. But I think it will work. I want to drug myself so that I'm out of it and can get through the procedure without screaming again. It freaks people out.

-DH said yesterday that I have zero pain tolerance compared to him so when I'm in extreme pain now it doesn't really make him nervous - that I'm probably blowing the HSG out of proportion. He also said the miscarriages and treatment are "consequences of our choice to try to have a baby." Result? A huge fight and tears in the car. He still doesn't think he said anything wrong. Am I being too sensitive?

-We are trying on our own this month - laugh. Will find out by 10/11 if it failed. Which it will.

I'm jealous of everyone who is having babies. I have no friends IRL.

I have to go now - I have a stupid golf tournament to play in.

Dammit.

CD9 - I'm A (cat) Mom Again

So I was driving to my in-laws' house on Friday around 8pm, it's a straight shot from our house about 6 miles down the road. I then saw what looked like a little black kitty in the middle of the highway and whipped the car around to see what it was.

Sure enough, this teeny tiny little black kitty with blue eyes looks up at me, a little fluffball in the road. I immediately thought she'd been hit by a car or was injured....cue watery eyes and panic. (if you haven't figured out by now, I'm a huge animal lover and advocate and living with/being married to hunters and farmers, that's a difficult lifestyle).

I scooped her up and drove the 1/2 mile to the vet's office where he and his new assistant vet were performing surgery on a little doggy but his assistant came out to help me make sure the kitty was okay. She said that the kitten was a girl, about 4-5 weeks old and seemed fine but to bring her in if I wanted to on Saturday; she said to get some milk replacement and the kitty should be okay. So I ran over to Theisen's (like a Farm and Fleet for you city-folk; and I am city-folk and I barely speak "farm" so I try to fit in here) which was closed at 8 but after pounding on the door they let me in with the kitty so I could buy some KMR (milk) and soft kitten food.

I took her home and she seemed to perk up a bit. We have a tiny (I MEAN TINY) bathroom downstairs so I set it up for her with water and food and I fed her using one of my thousands of sterile syringes (no needle of course) and she was pretty hungry. So friggin' cute too. I never hand-fed a kitten before. Just my cockatiel about 16 years ago.

By Saturday morning, I'd fed her every 4 hours and spent all my available time with her. It was hard too because DH's brothers and kids were in town and that's rare so I couldn't just not be there. But with all the TTC drama the past 3 years, I was desperate for something that would make me happy and there she was! DH and I discussed taking her to the Humane Society on Saturday, but by the time he saw her he was hooked too. We decided to take it day by day at that point. I continued to feed her and clean that bathroom constantly - she is quite messy. She's so small I had to use a cookie sheet/pan with edges for a litter box (I know, ew. But I'm the queen of sanitary so don't worry about me; I have stock in Clorox). She started using it right away and when she went #2 in it for the first time I clapped like a proud parent (that I wish I was for a human baby/child) and hollered to DH that "...she pooped in the potty!"

I feel like a little girl with a new doll, you know? I'm not playing house or anything, but it's been so wonderful to have something to look forward to other than the impending meetings with Wandy or this cycle's injection schedule that starts today.

We are taking her to the vet this afternoon for a full work-up. Our other 2 kitties (we have a huge house and this will for sure be our last pet, if we actually keep her for sure) were indifferent after a couple of days. Milo (our 3 year old "baby") started licking her last night, so that was unexpected. Jack, our 5 year old "gay queen" cat (who is a boy), was quite dramatic about her right away but as of yesterday was sleeping about 5 feet away from her, which is strange because when we brought Milo home, Jack screamed for 2 weeks and hid on top of our cabinets.

I've been all about TTC and POAS-ing and everything for so long that I needed this. I needed her. I needed something to keep me from going over the emotional edge.

It took till yesterday to even begin to start discussing a possible name. DH is a huge L.A. Dodgers fan and I thought of calling her Dodger but she's a girl. She did "dodge" a bullet by not being hit before I found her. I was holding her yesterday morning and cuddling and all of a sudden the name "Bella" came into my mind. Sure, I'm a Twilight fan. Whatever. But I'll probably never call my hypothetical daughter Bella because it's such a popular name. So, DH and I decided on Bella "Dodger" O.

For now.

But I'm in love.... :)

Pictures to come soon - my camera phone, while it is a Droid, sucks.

CD5 - Baseline u/s

Had an 11.3 follicle today. The u/s chick and nurse were sure this cycle would be cancelled but Dr. B said it's no big deal and we're going forward as planned. Cool.

I start Femara/Letrozole today for 5 days. On CD9 I start the Repronex again. On CD 11 I start OPKs and on CD13 I'll have an u/s to see how many follicle's I've got. If for some crazy reason I get an LH surge then, we'll do the IUI on Saturday. Otherwise I expect it to be the following Monday on CD 16 and I'm sure I'll have another u/s and by Tuesday we'll do the IUI.

DH's urology appt was yesterday. Testosterone at 598 (excellent number). Doc said we'll continue DH's Clomid for another 3 months but that he wants updates each month. Confirmed plan to do IUI this month and that next month is the last one we'll do before moving on to IVF.

We can afford one cycle in St. Louis at the Fertility Partnership b/ DH got a new job at his Alma Mater. A slight increase in pay but it'll mean we can pay for one fresh IVF cycle in St. Louis and hopefully we can get our meds paid for by insurance. We stopped by the clinic on the way down to Arkansas a couple of weeks ago and its beautiful and clean and I loved it. The second we find out this cycle didn't work (hopefully it does though), we'll call down to St. Louis for a phone consult and schedule the one-on-one so that after the next cycle, we can go down for our consult and get the ball rolling.

That's about it then. Any questions or anything, let me know. If you want to know anything else about me other than my lovely journey (torture) of trying to have a child, I'd be happy to answer any questions.

Eclipse post is 2 months late, will come soon.

IUI #8 Result - IUI #9 Plan

Not pregnant.

Not sure if I just experienced another chemical pregnancy - I'm not counting it if it was. DH saw the positive tests...AF arrived Sunday evening, exactly 14 days after ovulation.

New plan for IUI #9 (last or 2nd to last one before IVF must happen):

Baseline U/S on CD5 a.m.
5mg Letrozole/Femara CD5-CD9
1.5 vials Repronex/day CD9-CD12
Monitoring U/S CD12
NO TRIGGER - USE OPKs ONLY (this I pushed for and it was accepted; now I can't feel that the trigger was too early)
Upon receiving a positive OPK, IUI will occur the next day.

Felt really shitty all day (emotionally) until having the new plan put in place.

DH's appt with the urologist is this Wednesday. We'll find out now how long he can stay on the Clomid. His count is amazing but the doc said he'd take DH off the meds after 1 or 1 1/2 years. This week is the year mark.

We've decided to do a phone consult with the St. Louis clinic if this month doesn't work. It is a free 15 minute phone consultation. It would cost $125 to do a 60 minute in-person consult (all tests have been done so none are necessary). If we must do a visit again to the clinic (it was beautiful when we stopped by a couple of weeks ago) in person to be accepted into the program, then we will do it during IUI #10. That way, if IUI #10 doesn't work, we can go right into IVF #1 cycle.

That's the plan. I will resolve myself to wait to test at the end of this cycle. The good thing is, there won't be a trigger to test out. If I do test early though, I won't be posting them daily. I'm quite embarassed that that happened. At least DH saw the positives after 10dpiui though so I don't feel crazy.

12dpt/11dpiui - Still Faint

I'll attach a picture of this morning's test but it's not much different than yesterday's and if you don't see the second line, neither does DH but I can. Trust me. Maybe it's a late trigger remnant, maybe it's chemical, and maybe it's just too dang early to be testing.

I'm impatient. :)

Question: if you've had 4 miscarriages and after golfing at 7+ weeks pregnant and then bleeding the next day and subsequently losing that baby, would you golf at 12dpiui? Our couples golf league position night is tomorrow and I really want to golf but I'm afraid that it will do something bad to the possible pregnancy even though Dr. B said it wouldn't.

Dude - you can totally see the second but completely faint line, right?

If you can't see it then I won't hold it against you. If it gets darker and/or I get a positive digital, you'll definitely see that. But at least I'm not getting fooled by EPTs or Clearblue Easy sticks. Stupid blue lines...And I really shouldn't be testing this soon. I'll admit it.

My name is Christa and I'm addicted to POAS-ing.

11dpt/10dpiui - photo interpretation?

Okay I'm an obsessed infertile. I have nothing else to do people.

I have included 2 pictures of HPTs that I took this morning. I clearly saw a second line on the FRER. I did see a faint pink line on the dollar tree test, but when photographed, it's really difficult to see, so if you don't see it, you are not crazy, but neither am I. I've been looking at HPTs for nearly 3 years now and I know when I see a line, so rest assured, your favorite nutcase has not yet gone over the edge:

Taken with semi-fmu (I peed 4 times last night, this was a 2 hr accumulated batch).

Same batch, not surprisingly difficult to see when not inches from your eyeball under a bright light....

So there you have it. I saw a clearly light but present positive line on the FRER today, 10 days past the IUI, 11 days past the trigger. Last cycle that worked, a mere four months ago, I got positives 12dpt/11dpiui and a positive digital at 13dpt/12dpiui. So...I figure the digital might not register till Friday. But I'm takin' one tomorrow just because I have 3 and once you get a "pregnant" on one, there's no use in taking any more...

I'm still holding my breath on this one. It could still be the trigger, but I doubt it. Fingers crossed folks.

10dpt/9dpiui

Back at work today - it's been awhile so I'm kinda busy but not insanely.

Tested this morning with Dollar Tree...quite faint. So I pulled out an "Answer" because I'm a nutcase. It was positive yet. Either the trigger's not out, or something's cookin' in there.

I now have to go buy some more b/c my stash is down to 2 Dollar Tree tests and 3 digitals. At least it wasn't negative yet. I reviewed my other testing experiences, both BFPs and BFNs and there is a remote possibility that the trigger is in my system till 12dpt. I doubt that though. I believe that happened when I used blue-line tests. It's FRER/Answer's only for me, with Dollar Tree tests sprinkled in for fun. :)

I'll keep ya'll posted. Symptoms for now? Mood swings. Sore bbs. But the progesterone has to be influencing some or all of this.

9dpt 8dpiui - testing out the trigger

So we're home...took today off bc we got back so late. Tested w/ dollar tree last nite...positive. I used another dollar tree test this afternoon, negative or barely positive so I used an "answer" hpt. Clearly positive. So the trigger is not out yet. Tomorrow is ten days since the trigger. Maybe I won't see a bfn at all again...twins would be awesome but we'll take what we can get!!!

6dpiui 7dpt...at the wedding

I'm blogging from my cousins wedding. Ate pineapple so it could help with implantation.

2dpiui/3dpt - Updates

I start progesterone tomorrow. Raise your hand if you love oily suppositories ruining your underwear and comfort level. My hand isn't in the air if you were wondering.

As we are traveling to Jonesboro, AR this Thursday for my cousin's wedding, DH and I (along with my sister and her fiance) rented an SUV for the trip. I got it yesterday and I am in love with the 2010 Chevy Traverse. I want one. Wah. It was cheaper to rent for a week than for 4 days, so I've been enjoying the luxury SUV for the past 20 hours. Mmmmm. Very nice.

I dropped over $170 at Kohls yesterday on clothes for DH (got him a nice pink and black tie to match my dress...mmwwaaaahahahaha...I finally got him in pink!)...and a couple cute things for myself. I can't go in there and not spend at least $100! Grrr.

I find myself being less and less productive at work. I probably won't get caught but I'm so wrapped up in TTC anymore it seems to be all I think about.

The IUI: we were initially told DH's post-wash count was 30 million, roughly. This is what he's had for the past 5 IUIs. Well, about 20 minutes after the IUI, the nurse had me come and look at the microscope again (it was a Sunday and they were able to let me see the swimmers before the IUI, which is a first). Apparently, after all the washing and spinning, some of them get quite tired or scared and the count seems lower. When they get to sit still and warm up, apparently the count is much higher. With the discovery, we got a new post-wash estimate of 60-80 million. Shut up. That's awesome right? That many swimmers + 3 follicles should = BFP right?

I'm a fan of another IF-er's blog and she and her husband, no lie, did an IUI with like 4 follicles and seriously 400 million or something and it didn't work. So I won't get my hopes up too much but this is the best looking cycle we've had yet.

Wish me luck - I'll need it. Hopefully a little luck from Sunday morning spilled over to the afternoon's IUI. I played in the club tournament (golf) that morning and got 2nd place in the Championship Flight. Basically I am now the 2nd best golfer of the women at our club. The woman who won it has been the champ for at least 15 years, so no shocker there. But the surprise? She only had me by 5 strokes. I screwed up on several holes (missed a 6 inch birdie putt, don't even get me started) so turns out I could have beat her. I've typically placed in the top 10 or 20, but not the top 2, ever. So I'm pretty dang proud of myself for that accomplishment. Question: do you think it'd be dumb to bring in my trophy to work? I want to look at it but I don't want to seem like a dork. How would you respond to a co-worker doing that? I have an office with a door...

IUI #8 is in the books

I won't bore you with the details of how much we had to run around this weekend for already set in place plans (cat to the vet/benefit golf tournament/sister's going away party/club tournament), plus the suddenly rushed in and completely unexpected trigger and subsequent IUI. Just know that I was stressed and extremely busy.

I had 3 follicles on Friday's u/s and with that day's Repronex, all should have been between 19mm and 26mm yesterday. 1 on the left, 2 on the right. I triggered at 9:30 am on Saturday and had the IUI around 2:15 pm on Sunday.

So now we wait. I start progesterone on Wednesday night and am on baby aspirin. We leave for Arkansas on Thursday morning for 4 days. So glad I get to deal with oily, embarassing progesterone suppositories while out of state. At least there's a hotel and I won't be getting drunk so that helps I suppose.

Monitoring Appt/Ultrasound #1 - updated again

3 follicles. Cd 12. Huh. I guess the meds worked. One on the left at 16mm. Two on left at 17mm and 21mm. Go me huh? I'll keep you posted as to when we'll trigger. I say trigger Sunday at cd14 and iui Monday.

Update: Dr. M who sucks wants me to trigger today. Hell no. It's cd 12! I'm fighting to trigger tomorrow pm and do the iui Sunday afternoon, cd14. I get ku when we iui on cd 15 or 16 but the follicles are ready... what can I do? Help?!

Update again - triggering tomorrow. Iui on Sunday. Frack. We have the biggest tournament of the year Sunday at 8 am. We have to be here by 1 pm. I think we can get 18 holes

Let The Shots Begin

I just got my marching orders from Dr. B's nurse (Nurse Mean-Old-Lady): 1.5 vials of Repronex per day till this Friday's ultrasound. Dumb. I wanted 2 vials per day. Last time it was only 1 vial and we barely got 2 follicles. Stupid doctors.

Also - there was a St. Louis IVF clinic featured in an MSNBC article a couple of weeks ago talking about how their prices are lower for the same treatment as other clinics. Included: IVF (retrieval, transfer), ICSI, Assisted Hatching, ALL Monitoring (labs might be covered by insurance), embryo freezing and 1 yr of storage. Not Included: medications, cost of driving down for a weekend, then a week, hotel stay, food...they typical stuff. Total Cost of IVF less meds and other incidentals: $8,000. Yeah. Figure $2k in meds, it's a $10k cycle.  They'll also let us do monitoring here locally except the final week meaning retrieval and transfer.

The micro-IVF in Madison does not cover ICSI, AH, embryo freezing and storage or monitoring...or meds....$5445, so then include monitoring and meds and the cost is still $8,000 - $9,000. The odds of having frozen embryos in micro-IVF are much lower than in a traditional IVF cycle.

I talked to DH about it this morning and he's on board. Hmmm. Well if these 2-3 injectable iui's tank, we'll know where we're going. I did some more research and micro-IVF has lower success rates for MFI and RPL patients.....super.

God (who I'm still questioning) I hope this works...


PS: FEMARA/LETROZOLE GIVES ME TERRIBLE HOT FLASHES. Holy crap. Otherwise, I'm fine.

CD 5 - Started Femara Today, Meds Arrived

Since DH has passed his test, I have found myself a bit happier, to say the least. He has a job, we still have coverage, etc.

Again, I ordered over $1,000 in fertility meds and we paid $45 for them on top of the $40 for the Novarel (hcg) trigger shot. At least we've got that coverage left since the IUI coverage got sucked up in March. I started the Femara (5mg/2 pills) this morning. Those little yellow pills are tiny! No side effects yet. Clomid gave me hot flashes right away so I'm cool with these meds so far.

I've been blog-stalking even more now...getting back into commenting and such. I still can't seem to find the time to sit down and type up my "Eclipse" entry. I also have several opinions about this season's So You Think You Can Dance - it's my first season and boy was it a good time to start watching the show! Top Chef sucks this year but I'm excited for Top Chef - Just Desserts to start.

DH and I have 2 big golf tournaments this weekend and his Aunt and Uncle's anniversary party at a local winery, so that should be fun. I hope all of you have a good weekend, that you enjoy yourselves and I want to thank the frequent and new commenters for the love; I've said it before but I'll say it again: you have no idea how much it means to me to know you are out there. I still feel so alone most of the time now that I've basically abandoned all my friends who are pregnant or trying to have babies or had babies. I have our parents, my siblings (one of which is going to start TTC next spring) and DH basically. You are wonderful ladies and I hope someday we are all free of this IF hell.

He Passed!!!

I just got the call from DH - he got a 76 percent on the test! Passing was 72% so he just made it but we don't care! He passed! Thanks everyone for the good wishes - now that we still have our IF coverage (medication coverage is insanely good), we'll be pushing forward with renewed confidence!

I ordered the Repronex this morning through Shrafts. 10 vials purchased with one vial of Novarel. Total cost? $45 for the Repronex, $40 for the Novarel. Total value of the overnight package full of fertility meds? Over $1,000. That's some pretty good coverage. We'll see how much the Letrozole/Femara costs, DH is picking it up at the pharmacy in about an hour.

Game on tomorrow with the Letrozole/Femara (which one should I call it?).

Baseline-CD3 - UPDATED & PRAYER REQUEST

Blogging from the doctors office. Annoyance level: HIGH. Dude almost hit me with his SUV on the way in...many preggos in the waiting room. Appointment was at 2 pm. It been 20 minutes of waiting so far. This sucks. At least two thing happened that don't necessarily suck: I figured out how to blog from my phone, and (tmi) I remembered to remove my tampon. Go me. Still waiting.

UPDATE: cycle is a go. Several follicles present, all under 10 mm. There was free fluid in the cup-de-sac again. No idea about that still. Start femara/letrozole this Friday. I'll be ordering the Repronex tomorrow and I start that next Tuesday. It sounds as if ill have the first u/s next Friday with the follow-up u/s on Monday August 2nd. If all is going to plan we'll trigger then and do the iui on August 3rd. So there's the plan.

Preggos still suck when u are an IF-er waiting for more treatment...no offense to anyone. This isn't an RE's office. Just an obgyn type place.

What has been getting me through this lately? Veronica mars on netflix.:)

Please send some prayers, good vibes our way on Thursday at 1 pm central time. Dh is taking his test at that time. Failure means he's fired and we stop IF treatments till who knows when...thanks...

IUI #8 cycle begins...

Yesterday I called the clinic to get the schedule set up for this next cycle since AF arrived full force and honestly without too much warning.

Nurse Nice-But-Flighty said that there's no plan on my chart from Dr. B other than we need to up my Repronex. I told her we'd discussed Letrozole (Femara) and Repronex for this cycle instead of Clomid b/c I'm done with that after 10 cycles. She said that Dr. B is out of the office till next week on vacation and is unreachable.

Nice.

So she ended up talking to the doctor I'd fired after not being cautious with my 2nd and 3rd pregnancy, resulting in an unexpected blown ectopic when she refused to do one more beta. Yay. Fired doctor said I was to go back on Clomid.

I threw a bit of a hissy fit. Sorry. I'm an IF-er who had her 3rd WTF appt in 2 years recently and had laid out a plan with her doctor. Why would I smile and say okay? So I told Nurse Nice-But-Flighty that I will NOT take any more Clomid and that I prefer to go along the lines of the plan laid out with Dr. B. She said that was fine and that I can do my baseline this Wednesday on CD3 (she tried to schedule me for CD2, yuck much?) and if it's all clear then she'll call the Letrozole/Femara into my local pharmacy and I can start those on Friday for five days. Dr. B returns next Tuesday and he'll address the rest of the issues, but in the meantime, Nurse Nice-But-Flighty will order 10 vials instead of 5 for this next cycle so I can take 2/day. Since I'm to start them next Tuesday, she'll confirm the dosage with Dr. B when he returns. I'll take 2/day I'm sure of it. It's the only way to increase the dosage anyways. I wonder if that means 2 injections per day? Oh well. The shots got me pregnant last time...I'm still thinking it was a rotten egg though that was the cause of the failure. That one we squeezed out at the last second with extra drugs...

I'll keep ya'll posted. I have no idea what cycle we're on because the four pregnancies kind of screwed up the cycle counting...but it's been at least 30 cycles by now I'm sure.

Hail Mary FAIL

AF just got here, and I actually did a fist-pump in the bathroom since I got so many BFNs this weekend that I just wanted her to get here so I could get started with IUI #8! Woot. At least I caught it before I had a clothing emergency like last month...

Aww it's alright. At least now I can go down to Arkansas in 2 weeks for my cousin's wedding and have a glimmer of hope that I'll be knocked up sooner than later. Maybe with TWINS!!!

First Baby Shower Invite; 10dpo; Poll

Remember way back in March when I told you all how I got that text message from our guy friend casually announcing his wife's pregnancy? Well she's 8 months now and the baby shower is on Saturday August 7th. I made DH read the date to me, I couldn't read it. Whew!!! We'll be in Arkansas that day!!! I'll probably send a gift...but thank goodness. This is actually my first baby shower invite since we started TTC-ing . Can you believe it? It took nearly 3 years to get one; other IF-ers have had to deal with much worse, so I am not complaining. I'm just hiding from the pregnant friend; haven't seen her since the first week of January (probably when she got her BFP).

Today I'm 10dpo. I tested. It was negative. :) I'll keep you all posted. Symptom check: slightly sensitive nips, white cm (sorry TMI), and a good mood. All indicative of past pregnancies. Could still be nothing though. I figure if there will be a positive, it'll start to show its face by Saturday or Sunday. Again, I'll let you know if there's any life-altering news.

There were a couple of celebrity pregnancy announcements yesterday (Craig Ferguson and Vince Vaughn). Mr. Vaughn got married in January. Screw him and his fertile marriage. Craig - I don't care so much, it was the bang/bang announcements that hit me harder. I'm still waiting for Khloe Kardashian-Odom, Eva Longoria-Parker....and more. People who got married around the time I did or after who have babies before us. Sorry but I instantly dislike them unless they struggled like I have.

So, I have added a poll on the side of my blog to see your responses to the following question:

How Do Celebrity Pregnancy Announcements Affect You?

I'm just curious to see your thoughts on this, and polls are fun.

My Eclipse post is coming though, I promise.

Glee Emmy Noms and Thanks for the Prayers

Congrats to Lea Michele, Matthew Morrison, Jane Lynch and surpise nominee Chris Colfer!!!! Though they'll never read this, I was so happy for all of them. I've been re-watching the season during my lunch hours on A.maz.on.com and they truly deserve these nominations. Jane Lynch was a lock for a nomination though...also nominated for Glee appearances were Kristin Chenoweth and Neil Patrick Harris - LOVE THEM!!!! I will be watching on August 29th to cheer them on. I'm also thinking of live-blogging the Emmys but we'll see about that.

Our IF-er friend Lindsay seems to be doing better and appreciates your continued support! I already feel better for her because she made it farther than I ever did - and that's awesome!!!!

Otherwise, I'll be spending the weekend with my 14 year old cousin as I take her to "Ec.lipse" (yes it'll be my 2nd time seeing it and I'll dedicate a later blog to it because I definitely have somethings to say) and to lunch on Saturday, and then I'll be dress shopping with my SIL (the fertile one married to my brother) for upcoming weddings we are attending.

Hopefully it's an uneventful weekend. In TTC news, I'm 4dpo. Yuck...6 more days till I can start testing like the nutty infertile that I am. This is my 9th cycle on Clomid. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be on it anymore. If this try didn't work, when we do the injectable IUI cycle next month, the doctor knows I never want Clomid again and I want Follistim or Repronex or whatever. I'm shooting for 3-4 follicles again and since I was a lazy responder to the first injectable/IUI cycle, he'd agreed to up my meds if we had to do another one. As LMFAO's song goes: "SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS...!!!!". Though I'm pretty sure they're yelling about the alcoholic shots, not the fertility drug shots. I wipe the stuff off with alcohol wipes though - close enough.

Thanks For The Props & A Prayer Request

Really quickly here - I need to say a couple things:

One, thank you ladies for not scolding me. I was ready for it and would have readily accepted it - I just really really hope that this (our 3rd, 4th, I lost count) hail mary cycle works. I'll keep you posted and I'm stocked up on HPTs. I will begin testing next Thursday or Friday (7/15 or 7/16) because I'm a nut and the DT tests are so cheap.

Two - while I'm not religious (RPL, IF, personal tragedy will have eroded my faith) and I don't believe things happen for a reason, I do keep people in my thoughts while they are going through tough times, etc. Whether you pray, think or feel for people, pick your pleasure because I need you to focus on fellow IF-er Lindsay. She is 9 weeks along in her first pregnancy and has begun spotting. U/s shows everything's okay, but she needs our support!

Let's keep her in our thoughts and hope her doctor(s) can either do something to help or that it's just a mini-speed bump in what should otherwise be an uneventful and wonderful pregnancy.

That is all.

No I Didn't Steal A Baby....

Thanks Lindsay for the comment! I was going to wait till someone commented because I'm stubborn and I figured no one read my post and didn't care about the fact that I did something bad. I see you care. I also love the M&M onesie you got!


Okay....deep breath....








I took Clomid and Repronex without doctor's orders this month.









There. I said it. 

Now I will explain it:


DH is on Clomid every other day. His prescriptions overlapped so he had 4 extra pills at 50mg each. I used to be on 50 mgs and got at least 2 follicles with it. I had one vial of Repronex left, so per the usual, I started the Clomid on CD5 and then on CD9 took the shot of Repronex.


I could get a cyst. I could get pregnant with twins. I could have an ectopic. The doctor could be pissed (but would I really tell him? Yes b/c I'm a terrible liar).


I don't care right now. We're terrified that we will probably have to do IVF and DH is in a crappy job situation right now where if he doesn't pass his exam in three weeks, he's fired. He's studying now but realistically, since he's failed THREE TIMES already, I can't have much hope that he'll pass. He's also desperately trying to find another job, but no one's hiring or he's under/over qualified.

If he gets fired, we lose our medical coverage, all that we've paid towards it will be gone and we'd have to move over to mine where the premium is insane as is the extremely high deductible. So while coverage may be there for IF, none of it counts toward the deductible and instead of iuis being covered 50/50, it'll be 100% out of pocket.

Thus, this is probably our last cycle with coverage. If it doesn't work and if AF shows up before his test on July 21st (which it would if this cycle doesn't work), then I'll explain to the nurses and doctor about our coverage situation and get our meds ordered fast under our current insurance so at least  that's covered since we have 90% coverage for the injectables.

So that's that. I got a positive OPK yesterday on CD16 (started getting dark on CD15 and was full-fledged positive yesterday, right on schedule), so we're giving it all we've got.

I know I broke the rules and self-medicated and I don't ever plan to do it again, but it was the only time to do it and it's under dire circumstances. I'll go crazy if we don't at least try b/c we may not have the money to keep going soon and it's almost 3 years of TTC! I'm a nutty infertile....the day has finally arrived.

So slap me with a wet noodle....but I did what I had to do.

Thoughts? More consequences you can think of ladies? Any encouragement?

I'm starting to comment on blogs again, slowly.....this cycle is giving me a little hope now....

Weekend Countdown

No exciting news here....only one hour and I'm outta here (work I mean)!

At 6, DH and I have couple's league for golf. I haven't been out since my disasterous tournament last weekend (just embarassing how I played; nightmare!). I'm looking forward to beating the other couple. I'm sick of losing b/c we have lower handicaps and have to give more strokes to the other couple. Wow that sounded dirty....but the wife of the other couple works at my dentist's office and last time I was there in April, I was 5+ weeks pregnant and had to tell them so they didn't take x-rays. She's seen me drinking beer/mixers over the past month in the clubhouse, so I'm sure she figured out I'm no longer expecting. I hope she doesn't say anything.

At 10, DH and I are going to see this little, unheard of movie called "E.cli.pse". Heard anything about this one? Might be good....it's not like I've had a countdown ticker on my blog for months on this one. I haven't finished the Br.ee Tann.er book yet, 1/2 way done, so I'll have to read it on the way home I guess and in between holes during league.

Tomorrow, DH and I are mowing our lawn (well, he's doing that), tidying up the house, then going to Bun.ker Hil.l golf course for 18 holes. Then we'll watch the city fireworks from our yard and drink some yummy beers (I may have wine, I haven't decided yet).

Sunday is the beginning of my family reunion so we'll go back to Bunk.er H.ill for an 18 hole best shot - we're on different teams this year. Probably b/c the last 2 family outings like this, we've been on the same team and beat everyone. Sunday night, we're going back to the movie theater to see another movie b/c it's Dollar Popcorn/Pop night! We're gluttons.........for punishment...I'm thinking Toy Story 3. I turned down The Last Airbender b/c of the terrible reviews.

Monday is the Family Reunion at a local park.

Whew! I'll be busy, but hopefully it'll be as fun as I think it will!


I should be 14 weeks today. I should have a little belly starting. I should be making announcements.

Instead, I should be ovulating in the next 72 hours. DH and I will be doing our best to get me knocked up again.

I've been dying to tell you guys that I did something bad and you're going to yell (in writing) at me - it's a secret....TTC related. It's much worse than ordering/buying tons of HPTs.....

It's a bit of a no-no in the IF world.

I'm scared to tell. Desperation makes IF-ers do some crazy things. I am that poster child I guess.

No I didn't steal a baby.

Things I Love... *updated

*Updated* My husband, family, friends, duh (they're people, not things though; I decided that I should put them on this list)
All things "Tw.ilight" except being called a Tw.i-har.d. *(Update for Lindsey and anyone else who was wondering - I won't see "Ec.lipse" till late Friday night for 2 reasons: 1) scheduling conflicts, and 2) I saw both "Twil.ight" and "Ne.w Moo.n" on opening night and had to sit through 2 hours each of screaming teenagers and missed most of the dialogue. Not again!!! I figure 10 pm on a Friday, 2 days after the premiere, should lower the chances of screaming teeny-boppers so that I can actually enjoy the movie with DH (a reluctant date) and my giant tub of completely unhealthy popcorn).
*Updated* Movie Popcorn, yum.
All things "Har.ry Pot.t.er" except when DH teases me b/c ONE TIME I had a dream I kissed Daniel Radcliffe.
Arrested Development - get that movie on its way!
Golf.
My new irons.
My new driver.
My new bag.
My AWESOME HA.WKEYE SHOES.
Pino Grigio wine - chilled.
Chopped.
Top Chef.
The words "Amuse Bouche".
The Real World circa Season 1 to about 2003.
Road Rules before it got stupid.
MTV when it showed videos.
Sporty polos.
Bermuda shorts.
Cats - especially kittens.
Tosh.0. Love him! Love his show!
Musicals.
Broadway.
Glee.
Lea Michelle.
Kristin Chenowith.
IDINA MENZEL.
Wicked.
Les Miz.
Funny Girl.
Funny Lady.
Candy - way too much.
Diet pop.
Kohls bucks.
My new HTC Hero phone.
Mom's spaghetti, potato salad, rhubarb cake, blackberry cobbler, ranch dressing.
Grandma's pear jam.
Cupcakes.
"The Notebook".
"Titanic".
"Tommy Boy".
"Dumb and Dumber".
Seattle Mariners (when they aren't awful - mostly the 1995, 1996, 2001 teams).
Seattle Seahawks (up to the point that they lost to the Steelers in the 2005 Super Bowl and then got rotten).
Seattle SuperSonics (1990's - Rain Man, The Glove...wow).
College Softball.
Olympic Softball.
SYTYCD - new love!
My wedding.
My honeymoon - Jamaica (Couple's Resort in Ocho Rios, now named Tower Isle).
My cockatiel Teo - he's 15 years old.
My kitties Milo and Jack (ages 3 and 5, respectively).
My new landscaping thanks to MIL; the lilies are blooming, as is my Angel/Memory Garden plants/flowers.
The town I live in (small town hicksville compared to Seattle!).
Driving 78 mph whyile blasting my CDs and singing loudly on the highway during my 90 minute commute (total/both ways) every day.
Thunderstorms.
A cold Bud Select while on hole #5 at Meschers.
My hair after it's been done at the salon - it stays nice for at least 1 more day!
Full body massages - when I don't feel fat, pasty, and gassy (hasn't happened but I've been nervous).
A picture of me from college when I was pitching in Florida - I was RIPPED!
My tattoo - yes I have one; it's a rose with Del.ta P.hi Sig.ma in greek letters underneath; lower right pelvis under belly button.
My birthmark (took me decades to get over it, it's under my left butt cheek - kids teased me endlessly).
Traveling.
Currently, my job.
New technology I understand.
Ooh...Netf.lix - we stream it to our flat screen via the W.ii. Love it.
Sleeping in.
Breakfast Pizza.

Okay that's enough.

I needed to be positive for you guys and you also got to know me a little better, I suppose.

Thanks for all the support - I still need it so much!!!

*Wince*

I was at the Dollar Tree during the lunch hour to buy a bunch of ovulation and pregnancy tests. I then threw a bunch of other crap on top to a) hide what i had in my basket, and b) enjoy a session of retail therapy.

I went to check out and the 60 year old employee saw what was at the bottom of my basket and told me to "just relax.....go home and open a bottle of wine and turn on some music and have some fun...", that she and her husband had problems and that's what she did...they didn't need these pee tests back then.

I wasn't even mad. I was more embarassed for her b/c she shouldn't say that stuff to anyone, and then embarassed for myself because if I wasn't an infertile, i'd probably laugh at someone buying that stuff at the Dollar Tree.

So even though what she said was technically offensive to an IF-er, I just laughed and told her to have a nice day. Why be a bitch, you know? I'll save that for comments from family or friends - like when my sister told me, after my third miscarriage, that "God will give you a baby when he thinks you're ready". 

Why I oughta.....

Perspective Change Please

You know how in the movies, when there’s a flashback or flash-forward though events in someone’s life? We observe the heroine meet Mister Right and they get married. Then they buy and fix up their dream home. Finally we see them having kids, going to soccer games, carpooling…all the boring, normal stuff. Or think about movies you’ve watched when the main character ascends the corporate ladder. Remember how we sat through The Lion King and hummed along as Simba transformed from a cub to an adolescent/adult lion during the “Hakuna Matata” song?
It’s so easy for the audience to go along with the life-changing events or trials and tribulations of a person (or animal’s) journey. The problem with the point of view from the seat in the audience is that we don’t feel what the characters are going through because we get to be a fly on the wall.
I wish I was a fly on the wall in my life. I want the last three years of my life to be one of those sequences with no dialogue, just sweeping, melodic music and a disconnection from the sadness and despair that is infertility and (recurrent) pregnancy loss. I wish I wasn’t taking three Benadryls every night just to be able to fall and stay asleep.
I wish a lot of things.
But if wishes were fishes, we’d have a huge fish fry. You like what I did there? Yeah, not so funny, but I don’t know what else to say on the subject.

Updates...

AF started Saturday/Sunday, around midnight. Painful, ruined some clothes at a family gathering yesterday...yay. Glad I've learned over the years how to get those stains out quickly and easily.

So AF #1 has started. AF #2 should begin sometime around July 18th-20th. IUI #8 should be the week after the 4th of July. At least I'll get to imbibe a little, unless they say don't drink with all the injectables. No biggie, b/c no out-of-town family visits are in order and we just get to relax that weekend with a family reunion and golf outing on my side.

Other updates...golfing is going well. I have a tournament this afternoon, league on Wednesday and the women's city championship (2-day) this weekend.

...9 days till E.clip.se is released in theaters!!!! Not sure if I want to watch all 3 at the theater next Tuesday night and stay for the premiere at midnight b/c I won't get home till like 3:30 am, maybe asleep by 4...i can barely stay awake past 11 on weeknights. I have a hair appt at 7:30 next Wednesday (the first night I can see the movie after work)...and that's been pushed back a month already. So do I wait till Thursday night? Yeah...probably. I have to be a responsible adult I suppose. Not looking forward to all the screaming teenagers so I figure Thursday is a better night to go b/c the weekend will be insane!!!

...SIL is not pregnant. yet. i feel like time is running out on that one though, they have to get lucky sometime. they always get what they want.

...DH is looking for a new job, desperately. It's impossible to find a job for someone with an MBA and 4 years out of college with a job at one location that he only took for the benefits. Sucks. He's so underpaid.

We want to do IVF and his car is about to die. We need him to make a lot more money and he's trying. If he doesn't pass the Series 63 test next month, he's fired anyways. We can't afford that....

So there we go. I'm sorry if I haven't been commenting, I guess all the pregnancies are still hard for me to take but I'm sure that once some more time passes and we start doing treatments again, I'll get more hopeful.

Genetic Testing Results

"No Chromosomal Abnormalities."

Me: 46 XX
DH: 46 XY

It's an answer, but still leaves unanswered questions: why all the miscarriages? do we really have that bad of luck?

Well that's done.

Also - could I be doing ANYTHING worse during the 2 weeks post-ovulation? Drinking, exercising, not taking prenatals/baby aspirin, enjoying junk food and lots of coffee.... like our sad attempt to get pregnant right after a d&c would have worked anyways.

At least, according to the Mayo Clinic, we should be able to have a biological child together.

I'm Still Here

I've been golfing a lot. I had a tournament yesterday (got 2nd overall) and have one next Monday...then the 26th and 27th of June is like the Women's City Tournament. Individual play. DH is my caddie on day 2. I hope to be in the top 10. That'd be nice.

DH and I were golfing on Saturday, just the 2 of us. We got in a stupid fight and I started crying, pretty hard. Choked on my iced tea. I guess that holding back all the pain and tears from all of this can hit at crazy times I guess. I've also been really b*tchy lately. That's not like me. I don't know if suddenly, 4 1/2 weeks post-d&c, hormones are screwing with me. But I'm pretty out of it these days.

I am a nut so I'm planning on seeing if our +OPK trysts worked by testing this upcoming weekend. Yeah, well I need something to look forward too. AF or a BFP are both fine with me. AF means we can move on.

I got the results from my chromosomal tests today - NORMAL. DH's are due in a couple days. At least its not me. I'd feel awful if DH had something wrong, but I'd like to know if that's the reason for RPL. If his test is normal, we'll go ahead with 1-2 more (DH wants 3 more) Injectable IUI cycles. Can you imagine? 10 IUIs?

We found some mini/micro-IVF in Madison. I'm following one blogger (makingmemom.blogspot.com) using this method; unfortunately, for some crazy reason it's not working for her (yet, b/c I think it will). The price is right...any thoughts on this?

3 of my co-workers are expecting. Due in September, October and November. I was the fourth one who was pregnant and would have been due in December. I have to see their growing bellies every day. Only 35 people in the office. The three of them work several feet from my desk. Some days, I'm fine. Others, it's tough. I just hope I don't start having crying jags. I would have been 12 weeks this Thursday.

Is it just me, or are most of the bloggers I'm following pregnant now? It's not fair, it seems, that I've been pregnant before them and they had to read about my pregnancies. Sad though, how the tide turned after my most recent loss. BFPs everywhere. 

With my luck, we'd get pregnant during our "break" and lose that one too. This sucks.

I'm Pathetic

Yesterday...6pm. Feeling cranky, wondering if it's legit or hormone-based. Felt boobs. They were sensitive. I've felt crampy lately.  Remembered I had 3 Dollar Tree Ovulation tests in my car along with 4 Dollar Tree HPTs. Decided to take an internet cheapie OPK. It was blazingly positive. 2 thoughts ran through my mind: (1) how am I ovulating 3 weeks after the d&c? I thought it'd be 2 weeks and I'm supposed to get AF this Friday b/c it'll have been 4 weeks since the surgery.... (2) holy shit what if I'm pregnant again ALREADY?

So I got an EPT out...kept it in the package. Doubted that I'm pregnant even though we BD'd (finally) 2 weeks after surgery. Ran down to car to get boxes of tests, DH stared at me, asked what I was doing. I said, "nothing" and ran back upstairs. Desperately tried to pee again. Got enough for an HPT and an OPK.

Guess which was positive?




....the OPK. Scared ya didn't I?


I squinted at the negative HPT (which had a fricking evap line) and told myself I was a sad, sad loser and shouldn't even be pregnant yet b/c my body needs to reset.



Then I said that I didn't care and decided to try to get pregnant again. Already. Even though our chromosome tests are on their way to the M.ay.o Clinic.



Needless to say, I'm trying to have an "oops" baby. I'm sick. I'm trying to punish myself. Why can't I just enjoy the 2 months off?


Because it's been my life to TTC for the past 33 months straight. I've been pregnant 4 times. Something's gotta stick one of these days.

Sigh. At least (TMI) our sex life is back on track. For now.

WTF Appt

Here's the plan:

Must wait till AF #2 post-D&C to start trying again. AF #1 isnt due till next week or so. Perhaps next Friday, perhaps the week after. I took an OPK on Saturday (15 or so days post-d&c) to see if I was ovulating or something to be able to better track AF's arrival (she comes 14 days after ovulation, typically no matter what). The opk was negative so I'll take one more probably tonight and if nothing then I'll just wait and see I guess.

So AF #2 should be mid-July. Fine enough.

In the meantime, I will live life and golf A LOT. I got new irons yesterday (Taylormade Burner Plus) and a new driver (Nike SQ Dymo Str8-fit Driver), a new Nike 4-wood and a new bag (also Nike) in Iowa Hawkeye colors.

Big purchase but 1/2 the price of DH's clubs he bought last year. I'm golfing 2-3 days a week now for the next several weeks with some big tournaments so I'll just enjoy that and not worry about meds, beta hells, 2wws, etc.

We are doing the karotyping/chromosomal analysis too. We'll get our blood draws done this week and get the results back hopefully before AF #2 arrives so we can finalize our decision to do 2 more injectable IUI cycles. If they don't work we'll go to IVF.

Dr. B understood our frustration with the "local" (1.5 hrs away) clinic and recommended Madison. I have been in contact with the Reproductive Center in Minneapolis but Madison is closer (2 hrs at most) and will allow all monitoring here, so we might go that route.

Dr. B said that barring any abnormal results of the testing, he believes we should be successful with an IUI. DH's parts work, I can clearly get pregnant, but Dr. B thinks we're just having awful luck.

I'll keep you all posted but I think it'll take me awhile to get back to daily posting. Lots of BFPs out there and I'm so happy for everyone who's found success after so much struggling.

I guess I'm just sad that I'm not on that journey with them right now and I kind of need to take a deep breath after miscarriage #4. It hit pretty hard. I'll try to do 1-2 posts a week. I will try to comment on other blogs, but the pregnant ones might take some time for me. I'm so sorry but again, I'm so happy for all of you.

Hi

I'm still here. Just trying to get through life. Our WTF appt is on June 1st. DH is adamant that we should do 2-3 more IUIs b/c 20% of them have worked. I'm ready for IVF but the closest clinic sucks (forced 1 embryo transfer; forced monitoring appts, all of them, at the clinic 1 1/2 hrs away).

I have to wait for AF #2 post d&c to start injectables again. We've decided to do a chromosomal analysis on the two of us to find out what the hell is going on and if they can find something. If there is something there, then IVF it is.

Anyone heard anything about Madison, WI IVF clinics? Chicago? Is Minneapolis the way to go?

2 month break. Yeah, we'll play it cool the first month, but we're going for broke on month #2 on our own.

Suppose I'll spend the next 6 weeks golfing, drinking, living.

D&C was worth it - painful recovery but one thousand times better having the D.emer.ol with it. Much less traumatic. DH was awesome - we're both sick of this shit though.

FOUR MISCARRIAGES.

Why???????!!!!!!!

Over

No more development. Had d&c. At home recovering with Demerol. I'm okay...

Its No Surprise

Ultrasound #2 today, well #3 if you count the disaster at the IVF clinic.

Still no fetal pole. 6w3d based on the IUI.

There should have been a fetal pole by now.

Scheduled another u/s for this Friday.

While the sac has grown as it should, the yolk sac is beginning to look abnormal and blood has gathered near the gestational sac.

If no progress (meaning a fetal pole and heartbeat) is made by this Friday, I'll miscarry. I'm not sure if I want a D&C or Cytotec again. Either way, I'm gettin some bangin' pain meds.

I'm going to go look up IVF clinics now b/c I hated the one we went to. Single embryo transfers only, must monitor there including blood tests, etc. Jerks.

6w4d/6w2d - 108th Post

I'm still here! Sorry if you were worried or concerned.

Saturday was DH's MBA graduation. It was hard to sit through all the undergrads and the speeches, but it was so worth cheering on DH when he got his degree (though it was empty b/c they sent him his degree via mail 5 months ago since he graduated in December).

DH, his parents and my parents went to Cedar Rapids to eat at Texas Roadhouse. I may have made a mistake in saying we'd go during the 6 week mark. I.Was.Sick. Nothing sounded good, the second I got too full, I needed to puke. Ridiculous. I could hardly enjoy our expensive dinner - I should have waited till the second trimester! Oh well I'm sure we'll go back then as well. :) I'm not complaining, I'm happy to have symptoms that don't include debilitating lower back pain. But the nausea - whew! It's out of control! I am holding back on the throwing up part but car rides are so difficult now. I'm thrilled to be back in the saddle. It's been over a year since I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant but it feels like yesterday.

Any how, I somehow made it home Saturday night without throwing up.

Yesterday, we went to my aunt's house for my dad's side of the family's Mother's Day get together. We go there every year for breakfast and my aunt and uncle make food for everyone - waffles, omelets, you name it. I was able to pick at some food to get some down but normally I would have dominated the buffet. Oh well. Next year I'll be feeding Junior during that breakfast and I'll be lucky to eat at all! :)

Then we went to the mall so DH could get his mom a card. Yes - he waits till the day of EVERYTHING to buy cards. After that we went home, I cleaned up the kitchen and living room b/c they were really messy and DH mowed the lawn.
We went to his parents' house around 4 after watching Inglour.ious B.asterds. Pretty graphic but funny nonetheless. I ate a tiny bit of chicken, mashed potatoes and corn with some strawberries and a mini-carrot thrown in. I gave up all drinks with Asp.aratame so all they had besides gross country water was Strawberry pop. It was like syrup! Dang. Oh well, it's all for the baby!

So tomorrow is ultrasound #2. If I'm able to not throw up before then, it'll be quite the feat!  Last spring the first time I threw up was at 7w5d, but the baby was at 7w2d. So I figure I have at least a week right? Yeah I don't think so.

Oh, best part of yesterday? DH got me a mother's day card. I didn't want him to but he did and it was cheesy and he got me scratch lotto tickets. I didn't win anything but it was still sweet. And I got a foot rub. So, not a bad Mother's Day. Hopefully, it's my last one without a baby of my own!!!

6w1d/5w6d

So I figure this kid's measuring 5w6d. But based on LMP I'm 6w1d. I figure Fridays are good middle days so today, to compromise, I'm six weeks. :)

I'm way more relaxed now knowing that this isn't ectopic AGAIN. I couldn't have handled that. I just need to get through the next four days and then we should be able to see our little one again.

I am completly convinced it's a boy. I am probably wrong and I don't care what's between its legs, but in case I'm right, I'm throwing it out there.

I feel sick after eating more than a child's size meal, which my last 2 meals have been (not counting breakfast - oatmeal was a disaster that exploded in the microwave). Can't wait till I start puking. That was the best part of last spring's pregnancy. It felt so real then.

Thanks for all of your support - there are so many blogs I want to continue commenting on, but I'm so afraid of offending someone because I KNOW what it feels like - I still count myself as an infertile. I haven't even gotten to double digits in weeks yet so please don't think I'm off in la la pregnant land. I've been here 3 other times and had it ripped away from me. I'm still scared every time I look at the toilet paper/my undies. When I hear other pregnancy announcements, it still stings. Is that crazy? I guess I'll always be snarky about fertiles.

So if I'm not commmenting on your blog, it's not because I don't care - I'm following all of you every single day. I think about you all and hope tremendously for the best for all of you and it means so much that I'm in your prayers.

Ultrasound #1 - 6w0d

I can't believe I made it this far.

There is one, beautiful gestational sac in the uterus. One beautiful yolk sac right inside it. Because the IUI was on CD16 and not CD14, I'm more like 5w5d than 6w0d but that's fine and the u/s tech said that the gestational sac and yolk sac are looking perfect and she thinks that if I came in tomorrow we'd see a heartbeat.

We are going back next Tuesday at 4pm for a follow-up ultrasound (Ultrasound #2). Based on LMP I will be 6w5d but the baby should measure more like 6w3d, which is where it should be. The sac was about 5mm and to see a heartbeat it should be over 20mm.

The doctor said that all subsequent ultrasounds will be fine, every other week, but for insurance purposes, I'll have to call in with "spotting" or something in order to get in, and he'll approve all of them.

What if I really am spotting though? How will he know the difference? I'll just tell the kid to not cause any trouble so I can have my fake-emergency ultrasounds every 2 weeks till the first trimester is over. :) After the heartbeat u/s next tuesday, I'll be in for the 8 1/2 week one an the 10 1/2 week u/s. I'm sure he'll have me come in at the 12 week one for protocol, so I just need to sneak in 2 more for peace of mind.

I am still in shock that as of today, everything is normal.

What's next? An actual baby?

5w6d - 25.5 hours to go

So I woke up at midnight because my cockatiel (had him for 15 years, long story) was freaking out in his cage. I got up, took him out and went to the bathroom. Then I got this bad cramp, like AF cramps. I've been having them but this one lasted about 5 minutes, at least. I got worried. I went back to the bathroom (I put the bird back to bed at this point) and figured (sorry TMI) that I just had to go #2. No dice. The cramping went away after about 10 minutes and I had no spotting or anything. But it reaffirmed to me that I can't get too attached to this thing yet b/c if I lose this one, I'll really lose it.

Everything is either going to continue on track tomorrow or this thing will derail. I'm not ready for bad news. My in-laws and mom keep telling me that everything will be fine and that the u/s will go well and that I should be positive. They have no idea what we're going through. How can I possibly expect that all will be fine after three losses? I don't trust my own body anymore. I wipe and inspect toilet paper like a CSI. I look for every possible change in symptoms or lack thereof. They are hopeful, I am realistic.

I think I'm too attached this time though. Not necessarily to the baby even, but to my child. The one I should have had by now, the lifetime I should spend with my baby. It's the "life" we grieve when we lose a baby, the dream of what could have, should have been. I'm not ready to give up on that dream yet.

TV report:

(SPOILER ALERT)


*Glee was awesome last night - much better episode than last week.  I'm bummed about Jesse James (Jonathan Groff) breaking up with Rachel though. I hope he comes back - I love his voice and he's such a cutie even though he's g.ay. "Physical" was way too funny! Did Molly Shannon's guest appearance seem like a flash in the pan? They could have done so much more with her...

*American Idol. Hmmm. Looks like Crystal is not so modest anymore, constantly arguing with the judges now that they don't "love" her performances anymore. Lee will hopefully win - then things will work out best for both him and Crystal. I can't stand Casey or Mike and Aaron's cannon fodder. I wonder what next week's theme will be? Could it get much worse?

5w4d

Still here. All is good.

Just watching Tough Love Couples. Christina is crazy!

I'm scared about Thursday. What if the u/s is bad? Then this dream is over. I'm starting to think that I won't be able to handle it well.

I'll keep enjoying being pregnant for now.

62 hours until the ultrasound. Sigh.

5w3d

So I didn't even think, till five minutes ago, of entering my first and last betas to see the entire line of progression. This appears to be along the lines of "normal".


If I'm still pregnant tomorrow, I will have beaten Pregnancy #3 (ectopic) and I've already beaten pregnancy #1 (4w5d).  That 9w0d challenge is presenting itself. Game on.

Still feeling okay. I've had on and off cramping (lasting maybe a minute at the most) since the beginning and I had that with all three pregnancies/losses and I guess I'm supposed to cramp a little so that's fine. No spotting. Nausea if I'm sitting for a long time and I'm hungry. My boobs still hurt - I need to get better dress bras. The old, saggy sports bras aren't going to work at the office.

Still can't wait till Thursday at 9:00 am. Our lives are going to change, hopefully in a good way and not the bad, depressing, surgical way that we're fearing.

5w2d - Circling Pattern

You know how when a plane needs to land but has to circle around the airport while waiting for clearance? Yeah, that's how I feel these days.

Will there be a sac? Will something be in it? What if this is ectopic again? What if it's heterotopic?

What if it's normal?

What is normal?

So I sit here, waiting, trying to keep myself busy. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, like it always does.

Still taking Dollar Tree hpts b/c I'm a nutcase.

Trolling the internet to read other blogs, pregnancy sites, etc. Just trying to enjoy this while it lasts.