Its FINALLY December - Will I Be PUPO in 7 Weeks?

That's right people. Six and a half weeks until the anticipated 3dt (w/ ICSI/AH) on January 20th, 2011. Now I know 100% that these dates may change, either forward or backward. But the RE's office set 1/17/11 as the ER date and the earliest transfer date would be 1/20/11. That's exactly 7 weeks from today.

In-freaking-sane.

Then, in about 8 weeks, give or take, I'll be POAS-ing (probably...no way can I wait for a $10,000 beta result over the phone) and finding out if it actually worked!

In great news, Jessica over at The Night Is Always Darkest Just Before The Dawn is pregnant!!! She got her BFP a few days ago will be getting her beta results tomorrow! Please send congrats and good wishes her way...hopefully she's got one or two sticky embies in there!

She is a patient at the same clinic as me and since it's the first year they've been open and treating patients, we're kind of the freshman class. It's a little nerve-wracking, but at the same time, their success rates (which won't be published for 2 years per federal mandates) so far are incredible! 100% success in October!

So...I have tons of stuff to look foward to - including the last 4 weeks on BCPs, which starts tonight...Lupron injections which start on Christmas Day....and next Monday's appt in STL with Dr. S and Nurse Jackie (yes that is her name and she is my new favorite nurse ever; and that show is freaking awesome too). Last night I had a dream/nightmare that we went to the appointment and they didn't have me on the schedule, then I got moved around for the day and I forgot my Follistim Pen and meds for the injection lessons. Good thing I woke up and remembered that I am an over-planner who would never let that happen.

Current side-effects of medication regimen: zits, zits and more zits; increased appetite (I ate a whole Jimmy John's sandwich last night very quickly. That's never happened before); iffy libido (sorry if TMI).

Sure, maybe it's just me and not the BCPs. But I'm just noting it for now.

7 weeks! PUPO! Woot woot!

And, without further ado (and no long backstory, you're welcome) below is a picture of us taken last Friday when DH's side had family portraits done. I hate how I look b/c somebody said something dumb and I started to laugh (ahem, double chin). So I will post it here and not on a Christmas card. Oh well. Maybe next year we'll have a card to send out with pics of our baby/babies.

Phew! Now If I Can Get Through Christmas!

First of all: THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!!

All of your quick and helpful advice was so meaningful and completely helpful!  I chose to not react to anything my sisters are doing and saying and simply avoided them as best I could. I didn't even see sister R and sister K (the one not in Florida) was at my parents' Thanksgiving but only for a little while. Nothing was said because DH talked to her the whole time. He's such an amazing husband and best friend, I tell ya!

I made it through the anniversary of our third loss which landed on Saturday the 27th. It was strange because last year, my in-laws were in town (as they are every Thanksgiving) and DH and I missed Thanksgiving dinner (held on Friday last year instead of Thursday) because the ectopic ruptured and I was rushed to not one, but two emergency rooms. Then I was admitted for emergency surgery.

This year, I got to hang out with all of them and see the kids open their Christmas gifts (we celebrate xmas with them because they don't come back to IA in December) this year and enjoy not only a big traditional dinner, but we got to go bowling with them too, all things we missed last year because we were in the hospital.

Nobody said anything to me or DH about last year. Nobody asked how IF was, how our IVF was coming along, nothing. They all know about IVF because MIL tells them bits and pieces. But nobody asks us. I was whining to DH about it Thursday night and he said something that made sense:

Years ago, if people we knew were going through IF/RPL/IVF, etc., we wouldn't have known what to say except that we were really sorry and we hoped everything worked out for them. We would have felt it inappropriate to ask them questions or to prompt them for stories about their treatments. We wouldn't have wanted to make them uncomfortable or sad.

Duh!  But here's the thing - I feel like if we bring any of it up, we're just making everyone ELSE uncomfortable.

So we (I, really) sat in silence, trying to enjoy the holiday and eat as much food as possible. I survived!

Also, BCPs are giving me pizza face. As a teenager, I had zits quite a bit, but not full-blown acne. I consider myself extremely fortunate that the occasional breakout of pimples was the worst of it. As I got into college and adulthood, my face, for the most part, has been blemish-free. Oh when PMS hits, I'll get a "period zit".

But now? The breakouts are back and seem very reminiscent of my teen years. Blech. Oh well. Anything to have a baby. Maybe, if and when I get pregnant again, I'll get to enjoy pregnancy zits too!

One can only hope.

Advice Needed

I have three step-sisters. Our parents got married when I was 12 and R was 11 and K&K (twin girls) were 10. My biological brother was also 10 when the parents got married.

Five of us growing up, all within 3 years of age. Essentially, we grew up together. When I was 14, I changed my last name to my step-dad's last name which is also the same last name of my step-sisters.

In college, R came to the same school I was at and was quite obnoxious and mean to not only me but DH and my BFF. We didn't talk for some time. I even skipped her college graduation.

When DH and I got engaged in 2006, we set our wedding date the first week of January 2007. Then, I asked my three step-sisters, DH's sister and my BFF to be my bridesmaids. DH had his cousin, his two half-brothers, his best friend and my brother as groomsmen.

My three step-sisters and I got so much closer that year and ever since. I haven't referred to them as step-sisters in years, I call them my sisters. I've said it in front of them and to others for years. I thought we were very close.


When one of the twins moved to Florida in July (to be with her boyfriend and find a job there), sister R decided to throw K a going away party. They planned a "sisters' day" for the morning leading up to the surprise party which included lunch and mani/pedis. Guess who wasn't invited? Me.

I was beyond hurt and called sister R to let her know how upset I was and she said I could come if I wanted to and she felt bad, etc. I cried through the whole call, not realizing how sad it had actually made me.

I didn't go b/c I was in charge of a lot of the set up and food for the party and being the day before the party I couldn't just delegate it to someone else.

My stepdad (he's been my dad though since I was 11 years old) pushed us all so hard to be one big family unit since day one. He didn't tolerate those three leaving me out when we were kids, etc. He can't help us anymore. I've been pushed out for a long time now and sister R and other sister K (the one who didn't move away) have made it so clear that I'm just the STEP-sister for a long time.

Well, sister K just decided to move back to Iowa in January because Florida didn't work out.

Here is what sister R posted on her Facebook today:

"so excited my sister has decided to move back home...the 3 amigas are back"

Ladies:

I want to respond to this so badly. Every immature, dramatic fiber of my being that I keep under control because I'm an adult, wants to post something as a comment on FB. I never post anything but nice, happy things and keep my FB pretty private. But I'm sick of this. I treat them all as equal sisters. But sister K who didn't move away has been quite harsh with me the past year or so, saying things like "God will give you a baby when He thinks you're ready for one" the day after I had my third miscarriage, or calling me a cat lady repeatedly. Sister R asked me to be in her wedding but it feels more and more like it was because I had her in our wedding. I get left out of her planning now but last year at this time she NEEDED my help.

What would you do? I'm so upset and further hurt by all of this and I really feel like I have two options:

1) ignore it and stew about it in silence.
2) post something and see how it all shakes out. things could get worse but who cares? I don't care about being in sister R's wedding anymore.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Anyone? I'm so angry and I just want to go home and slam some Pino Grigio and see what happens. I don't have any friends to ask because....well you know why.

Advice?

Thank you so much....




 

Hellooooooo

I'll make it short and sweet for ya'll this Monday of Thanksgiving week:

- the Idina Menzel concert was incredible; worth every penny, mile of driving from eastern Iowa to the Twin Cities and back; loss of sleep, etc. I'd love to see her in concert again but it probably won't happen any time soon.

- still on birth control. Just got a big zit so far but it was probably due to my diet or AF. Also I find myself feeling mean. Is this normal?

- back at work today. Not wanting to be here. I have a big event I've been working on for a local holiday festival that is this evening in my building (I was on today's event committee). Until today, I was excited. Now? I just want to go home, get in my sweats, curl up with my kitties and DVR and ignore everyone and everything.

- my IVF clinic had 100% success rate for October. That's correct. Every single patient got a BFP. We can't know if any of those positives turned negative for federal law reasons, but still. Implantation for each one? Amazing!

- Dr. S has decided that since I'll be on birth control for 41 days (the maximum), he'll be doubling my Follistim when I start stims on January 6th. 2x/day. Lovely.

- and finally, while this might sound ridiculous and whiny, I will say this much: I have no IRL friends to help me deal with this IF crap, my probable depression and my only outlet is this blog. I have found myself leaning on every single person who's supported me, left amazingly comforting comments and kept up with my goings-on even though they probably have better things to do. That said, for the first time in a long time, I had 2 posts with zero comments. I found that ironic since I've been leaving comments on tons of blogs lately. However, I have been following the pregnant bloggers who were once in the trenches with me, it just hurts too much to comment. Is that nuts?

All I'm saying is, I'm sorry if I've offended anyone to cause this sudden blackout of commentary. I'm also sorry that I can sometimes be really negative or obsessive. I just don't know how else to be anymore.

I did realize this weekend though that this year, DH and I have traveled extensively (though 2 trips were 100% infertility-related) and when we started TTC, I hated scheduling anything travel-wise because I just knew I'd be pregnant and couldn't go.

Ha.

So I'm living my life. With DH. Who, now that I'm on BCPs, seems to annoy the hell out of me even though he's not doing anything wrong.

Peace out.

BCPs Day 2

Everything is fine so far. I haven't noticed any side effects from the birth control pills. AF is kicking my butt though, the cramps have been quite harsh. It has forced me to go to bed earlier though because I am just tired from dealing with AF pain all day.

I've always (since 12 years old) had painful periods, long periods (7 days), heavy, clotty periods (sorry, way TMI). How has a doctor not thought to check for endo before?

Could the ruptured ectopic pregnancy from last November have caused this endo and I actually didn't have it before? They looked for endo when they removed the ectopic and said there was none.

I dunno. Those are the main questions I've been asking myself lately.

Otherwise, did anyone watch the first season of Top Chef Just Desserts? (spoiler alert)

The finale last night was okay I guess. I thought it'd be a little more exciting with maybe a quickfire for an advantage in the final elimination challenge. It sucks because we can't eat what they're making and I LOOOOVE desserts. They were quite fancy last night, no? I'm cool with Yigit winning too, Morgan was a huge jerk and Danielle seemed a bit loopy but talented. Out of the last three, Yigit was the best choice for the judges for sure.


Speaking of TV, anyone out there a massive Glee fan?  I thought Tuesday's episode was excellent (except for the Chicago number). I'm loving Darren Criss (Blaine) but if he and Curt only push everyone away, I'm gonna get annoyed. Gwenyth definitely deserves an Emmy; I kept telling DH that I've never seen her branch out and go for humor with reckless abandon. I just wish Shelby could come back.....Idina Menzel deserves an Emmy for sure for last year and it sucks she didn't even get nominated!

Now that I'm done talking about that....did I forget to mention that I got 2 tickets to the Idina Menzel concert in Minneapolis? I'm so frigging excited! It's tomorrow and we're staying overnight in a swanky Doubletree Hotel nearby. I can't wait! We were going to go on January 23rd but we thought that with all the traveling from Iowa to St. Louis over those three weeks that to go back for a Sunday afternoon concert might be a pain in the butt. And I found 2 tickets (with decent seats) on Ebay and an amazing lady sold them to me (she profited, and good for her) and kept in touch so that I'll let her know how it goes. I'm going to try to meet Idina and get an autograph after the concert too. I've never done this before but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and by George I've needed to live my life and continue cheering myself up lately and how can this NOT be a great chance to have a happy, memorable moment? Yay Idina!!!!

I love Idina! She's amazing!

Anyhow, that's it for today.....and I'm just going to leave you with a shout out to all the ladies who got BFN's this week that it sucks and is not fair and you should all have gotten BFPs and I'm here for you if you want to chat. Otherwise, (((blog hugs!))).

Pets Post

*Please excuse the centered text and small font - the normal size kept getting cut off on the sides!


I have access to tons of pictures of my pets right now
(I only use my phone camera because my digital is awful!),
so I feel it is time for a non-IF
(I took my first BCP this morning!)
post to talk about my other "babies".

 

 

First is our newest and youngest cat, Bella Dodger O.

 



                              

This was the first week we had her; she was about 5 weeks old and beyond adorable

Look at how small she was!!!

This was a couple of weeks ago - she's so big now, about 4 months old!

Bella has been amazing and such a comfort to me during the past few months.
She cuddles with me all night, every night, right under my chin.
She "massages" my neck, well,
 really its my throat and purrs and drools all over my shirt all night long.
I wouldn't have it any other way.

When I brought her home, the only cat (of our 2 cats)
who would even hang out with her was Milo.
He is 3 years old and is the most cuddly pet I've ever had.
We found him about a week after we got back
from our Honeymoon in 2007.
It was Thanksgiving weekend and we were at
DH's parent's house about 10 miles from where we live now.
We were in the garage and heard a strange sound outside.
They opened the door and there was this little grey kitty.
I immediately picked him up (did I care if it had diseases or fleas? Nope.)
and held him while he purred like a diesel engine.
DH's dad wouldn't let the kitty in the house so
they made a make-shift hut for him on the porch outside
and his mom let me give him some food.
I stayed up all night, worried about him and in the morning
we took him back to our apartment in the "city" and I decided we HAD to keep him.
DH wasn't thrilled and worried about how Jack would react,
but Jack needed a companion when we were at work all day.
I took him to the vet that Monday who gave him a clean bill of health
and estimated his age to be about 5 months.
He sure was skinny but that didn't last long.

Milo loves to hide!

Recently he started peeing all over my stuff, sometimes on the carpet, etc.
We took him to the vet who said he didn't show
any signs of an infection but put him on meds anyway.
He stopped peeing for awhile
(he's not spraying, just marking my stuff, typically my clothes)
but he's picked it up again. Grrrr!

 





Milo also didn't like that Bella got Kitten Milk and he didn't,
so he'd demand that I share some with him -
he got to lick the lid of her container.
Now, he gets to have a bite of her kitten soft food,
or else he'll eat her entire dish.
He's the dominant eater in the house.

Finally, we get to Jack Daniels O.

He is five years old and we adopted him from a pet store in October, 2005.

We wanted to get a kitten so badly

(because I have a cockatiel and wanted to train the cat from day 1 not to eat him)

and none of the humane societies had any kittens

so we went to a pet store (which is now closed).

I've always felt bad that we didn't rescue Jack but at

the same time, we don't know what we'd do without him.

He's big, he's loud, and he's really super duper gay.

Yes, our cat is out and he is proud of it.

He's the diva of our cats (even though there's a girl now,

Jack's still the queen-bitch) and lets us know it at all times.

However, here's the strange thing about Jack: he plays fetch.

Like a dog, we will throw his ball,

he will pick it up with his mouth, and bring it back to us.

Over and over.

He did this as a kitten and had a couple of favorite balls.

Then, and I think it was when he got neutered, he stopped.

We haven't been able to get him to do it since then.

But about 3 weeks ago,

he found a favorite ball again and brought it to us.

We weren't sure if that's what he was

 doing but when we threw it, he brought it back.

That ball, a bunch of yarn that looked like a

nerf koozie ball, got destroyed in about 4 days.

So last weekend DH bought a bunch of yarn

and made more balls for Jack (all kinds of colors).

Sure enough, Jack loves the pink and purple balls. Quite the lady.

As you can see, Jack didn't approve of Bella sleeping by him.

His attitude has since changed....

I'd like to enter into evidence a picture from this past Sunday

when Jack and Bella cuddled for hours.

 Jack initiated the cuddle-fest.

I knew he'd love her - she's a Tuxedo cat, just like him!

He's super grumpy with anyone who

is not me or DH, but he is my baby.

He has always been a fan of my hair

(what gay cat isn't?)

and used to sleep in my hair at night

but ever since Bella started sleeping with me,

Jack sleeps between DH's legs at night.

And last, but not least, is Teo.

He is a 16 year old cockatiel who my mom got in the mid-90's

 but as she has different phases, Teo passed.

She named him and I have no idea where she got the name,

but when he sqwaks, it sounds like TEE-OH!

So I guess that works.

Cockatiels typically attach themselves to one person

and since I came home alone after school every day,

guess who he got attached to?

Mom and I hand-fed him and that's

what usually causes the strong attachment.

HE even used to sleep with me at night.

He'd poop in the garbage can next to the bed.

Very smart bird.

He goes everywhere with me -

his choice, trust me the screaming gets quite loud!.

I got him a giant cage in 2009 and he's been happier than ever!

Isn't he beautiful? He takes excellent care of himself!

I wish he could get modeling jobs...

Teo usually sits on my knee or chest when we watch TV.

He puffs up and goes to sleep - it's really cute!

Also, Teo loves to sing. His favorites are the

Oscar Mayer Wiener song

and yelling "Here Kitty Kitty Kitty"!

There were a lot of years that I just stayed home

and read books and didn't have a lot of friends.

He was my little buddy. Still is! 

I love to spoil him with fruits and veggies,

pastas and especially his favorite, popcorn.

Jack was the only cat to not try to bat Teo around.

He did at first but we'd spray Jack with the spray bottle so that stopped.

Once in awhile, for fun, he'll stalk Teo but he never touches him.

Teo doesn't have his wings clipped for the

purpose of allowing him to fly to safety when necessary.

Milo has always chased and batted Teo around but Teo's pretty quick,

as am I and Milo gets sprayed or a swat on the butt. He doesn't care.

I think he laughs about it, acutally.

Bella is a little butthead and chases him all the time.

She's never tried to bite or claw him, but she LOVES the chase.

Teo is so quick, and again, as am I,

and Bella gets sprayed and we yell "NO!" to get her to stop.

I guess Jack's the good one. :)

Finally, I want you to see how spoiled our cats are.

Behold my 28th birthday presents.

That I bought.

For our cats:

Cat Tree #1 - they LOVED it!!!!

Then we set up Cat Tree #2 (middle) and Cat Tree #3 (far left).

We had one already that we'd build in 2008,

so they have FOUR cat trees in their own cat room!

Who does this for their cats? Nutjob infertile cat ladies do.



They play on these things constantly.
During the day they sleep in front of the
window and look at the bird feeder we put outside
"their" window.

Bella showing her dominance.

In addition to the cats having their own room and windows,

in the bathroom upstairs we have a metal shelving unit

behind the toilet that faces the window.

Do you think we have anything decorative or purpose-based
on those shelves like towels or toiletries?
 Nope!
Jack and Milo knocked them all down to
look out the window the first day it was set up.
So what is it now?
A kitty bunk bed.
With three bunks.
Lined with long-folded towels for them to lay on and look out the window.

What are they going to do when we have kids?





AF Shout Out

She arrived with spiky thorns and gut punches last night. Happy dances ensued. Then, due to the typical pain and bloating, I popped some Aleve and went to bed. Thanks for the AF cheers ladies!

So while I am bent over at my desk today, trying to convince myself that I can make it through this Tuesday (CD2!!!) without taking the whole bottle of Aleve, I leave you with these images......

I wonder who thought of this? Someone like me who was waiting for AF to start IVF? Or someone with a pregnancy scare?



Also, has anyone seen these before?:

They're Luna Pads. They appear to be like cloth diapers. But instead, they're cloth pads.
I don't even like washing my ruined underwear after a period accident (sorry, TMI). Why would I want to put my used pads or pantiliners in the wash? On purpose?


Naaaasty.

Though if you think about it, women had to use cloth pads or whatever before disposable sanitary options were available. Maybe it's because I've never had to go without tampons or pads, but I can't fathom having to keep my period stuff in a drawer that I can't throw away.....

I hope it's not too gross, but I'd love to hear some opinions on this....ladies? Anyone? 





Come On AF So I Can Take Birth Control!

AF decided to send her companion, Spot, last night. Unfortunately, AF doesn't understand that we have an important itinerary set up and she needs to be here now so I can move on with my life!

Feelin' crampy, holding my breath till she arrives full force. I got a positive OPK on 10/31. AF should be here by now. I guarantee that in the next 12-24 hours, she'll be here.



I will welcome her with open arms. For the first and last time.



:)

Pssst....I Got A Package Today....

The Repronex is in my mini fridge (11 vials) and I didn't feel like getting it out, and I'd already put the Follistim and Ovidrel in the fridge too and forgot to get it out....but how friggin' cool is the Follistim Pen?!?

But you ladies who have been through this know what it all looks like.

And really, there are a TON of needles.  Just a TON.

I got my birth control pills tonight too. So surreal that I need to take them to get pregnant.

Only about four more days till IVF #1 (and hopefully the only one) begins.  Eeek!

Good Week So Far - Insurance News

Thanks for the lovely comments ladies! DH and I had a great anniversary and he even felt bad that he didn't get me a gift (I got him an enscribed desk accessory with his name, position and employer on it) that he sent me flowers yesterday at work....very sweet.

Also, after many years of disagreements over coffee (I love it, he hated it), DH suddenly wants to drink coffee. So we bought a beautiful coffee maker:

On the left, coffee. On the right, hot water so when he wants coffee, I can have decaf tea or hot chocolate....you know....when we're in the IVF cycle and when I'm pregnant! :)

Also, I got the news I was waiting for yesterday regarding my meds for the IVF cycle. Three were called into my local pharmacy by my doctor's office when I faxed over the orders from the IVF clinic - Prednisone, BCPs and Folgard. They will be covered by insurance and should be quite cheap. I'm just going to fill the BCPs and Folgard tomorrow. I'll save the Prednisone for January when I'm supposed to start taking it.

The big worry we had was for the injectables and Doxycycline. When I got the call from Schrafts in NJ, I waited for the other shoe to drop. The lady on the phone told me we have a limit of $5000 per policy period for infertility drugs. Great, so at that point I figured we were going to be having to pay that much or close to it for the year. I begged her to go down the list of what each Rx would cost us out of pocket. Here's what she told me:

Follistim (900 IU vials x2 plus Follistim Pen):     $30 co-pay
Ovidrel:                                                            $30 co-pay
Lupron (14-day kit x2):                                    $10 co-pay
Progesterone in Oil (not sure how many):          $30 co-pay
Doxycycline (#20 pills):                                    $3.26
Heparin (5,000 IU/day for 30 days):                $10 co-pay

Total for the order? $113.26

I nearly started crying. Happy crying. For once. I would never have expected all of this to go through, much less only having to pay such a small co-pay for each one. I consider myself lucky, believe me. Amazing to look at something like this from a different perspective - we're infertile but I'm happy that we have coverage for the meds that could get me pregnant.

I promise that if we can't or won't use leftover meds that they will be donated to someone who has no coverage at all, because that's what I thought we were going to need - free or donated meds. I really hope I can help someone else out because for once, we caught a big break.

Married 3 Years - TTC 3 Years.....Today

Ahhh. Our 3rd wedding anniversary. If my bridal self could see my current self, she'd be pretty bummed about the following:

I don't have a kid.
I have gained the weight I worked so hard to lose. Well, all but 15 lbs of it.
I'm most likely depressed and have less than a handful of actual friends because I pushed everyone else away.


However, here are the positives in my life:

Instead of one cat, we have 3!!!
We own our house (well, we pay a mortgage, but we no longer rent!)
We have an SUV.
We have a control on our finances.
We have smartphones.
We have a 46" LED flatscreen with a Wii.
We have a new-ish couch we bough last year - I call it the butt couch because it looks like it has butts all over it.
DH graduated with his MBA this spring.
DH got basically his dream job at his Alma Mater.
No one has stolen our credit.
We both make decent money.
Still married....duh.
And most of all, we survived our wedding and it was amazing!

So in all, the good list is better than the bad list. We have achieved so many great things that we thought would take years to complete. Sure, things are things, but for college sweathearts who were poor and idealistic, we would be pretty pumped at what we've accomplished by 2010.

5:40 pm - November 9th, 2007 in the Hummer Limo after our ceremony...awww

Yay us!

Insight Into A Couple Facing IVF

Since we got the ball rolling on our upcoming IVF in St. Louis, I've been a non-stop talking machine about all things related to IVF and what you ladies have been posting, commenting, experiencing. The only thing is, I blab to DH and nobody else. He is my best friend in the whole world and we're together every waking moment that we aren't at work. When we are working, we email.

On the way to work this morning, I kept talking about the projected dates, when we need to have the money for the IVF bills and meds, how many shots I'll be giving myself, on and on and on. I asked him why he was so quiet and he said he was sick of talking about IVF and he wanted to talk about something else.

Logically, as an obsessed infertile, I was hurt. This is my life. This is what it's come down to. Its a reflection of who I have become and who I have always been. When I take an interest in something, I research the heck out of it.  Items I want to buy, movies, books, actors, singers, sports, weddings, babies.... I demand to know every single thing I can learn about my obsession of the moment.

I've wanted a baby since the day I walked down that aisle. I've read books, blogs, journal articles, phamplets, news reports, anything I could get my hands on. I've watched documentaries, video blogs,  YouTube videos, movies and how-to videos. I consider myself an expert who is just shy of a licensed physician or Reproductive Endocrinologist.  I have never heard of a passive infertile. If you weren't a Type-A before trying to concieve, you will become one. I have been Type-A my whole life. If I couldn't control something, I quit or tried as hard as I could to get what I wanted.

This is the first time in my life that I find myself near the end of a journey that I just knew would result in what I wanted. If you asked me three years ago if I thought I'd need IVF to concieve and carry a baby to term, I'd say no way. Now? I can hardly breathe at the thought that this last chance, this $10,000 dollar hail mary, turning over all control to a doctor hundreds of miles away.....might not work. Or that it could work and we'll lose another baby.

I'm terrified that my mental and emotional state won't survive failure. This effort - this IVF cycle - is the pinnacle of our journey together, of every single day of our marriage, starting with our vows. We don't know what marriage is like without trying to have a baby. What it's like to not live through constant disappointment and terror. Through loss and frustration. Through one person being in another place emotionally than the other. My mind is 100% focused on IVF. Every waking, even every sleeping moment is full of thoughts of "what if"s.

When DH got out of the car this morning, he sensed that I was upset that he said he didn't want to talk about IVF anymore. Not the logistics, the money, the fears or the excitment. He'd said he was sick of it.

He asked me if I was mad at him. I said I wasn't, that I was disappointed and I wouldn't make a day of it. (I tend to hold grudges, sometimes all day. Usually forever with people who wrong me. It's a terrible aspect of my personality). We kissed goodbye and he walked into work.

About 15 minutes ago, he sent me an email asking if I was still mad at him. I said I was not mad, just frustrated. Here is how he responded:

"I know, I am frustrated too not at you or anything, I'm just frustrated at the entire situation and how everything is out of our control and also not a guarantee.  I am scared about what could happen and I am so excited to do this, but I just have my doubts and it is really stressing me out, which I am sure it is stressing you out as well."

See? Same thoughts as me. The difference? He keeps them to himself instead of constantly talking about it with me. We are so different yet so the same. He is able to sum up his feelings in three sentences. Is it because he's a man?

When we buy a lottery ticket, we spend our own money on that wish. We know the odds are next to zero that we will win any of that money back. But we still hope. This IVF is our lottery ticket. Instead of a dollar, it will cost $10,000. Probably more than that. What are the odds we'll get pregnant? Over 50%.

I just wish the real lottery had those odds.

I Got Our Protocol - Anyone Got Leftover Meds?

I have so much to share but I'll try to keep it to cliff's notes:

The IVF nurse told me that because my AMH is at 1.7, that indicates a "sluggish Ovarian Dysfunction" and so I've been put on a Long Lupron Protocol.

Med list:

2 Lupron 14-day kits

Repronex (I already have 10 vials of 75IU at home)

1 Follistim 900 unit

1 Follistim 600 unit

Doxyclicline 100mg 2x/day for 10 days

Prednisone 10mg/daily (begins right before ER)

Heparin 5,000 units every 12 hours starting day after ET

1 Ovidrel

PIO 1cc every 24 hrs


Does anyone have any non-expired leftover Follistim I could buy from you? I will pay for shipping too - I'm treading carefully due to the new insurance and I'm having my local doc call in the Follistim, Ovidrel, PIO and Lupron. I can get the Doxyclicline, Prednisone and Heparin locally under regular coverage and super cheap too. Doxyclicline is now in the $4/month generic listings for Target and Walmart, so not too shabby there.

I'm super afraid to go through ivfmeds.com for several reasons but it's there as an option. Once I get a copy of the meds I need my local doc to order from Schrafts/Walgreens, I'll get a call from that pharmacy with the total out of pocket I'll owe for the meds before they'd send me anything. Then I'll have a much better idea as to how much we'll actually need to spend on this. I should know by early next week what the amount will be.

Otherwise, I am to start BCPs around 11/16, and then we're going back down to STL around 12/6 for our full-day finalization of everything, talk to Dr. S some more and get injection lessons.

I begin Lupron, get this, on Christmas Day. What a super duper present!  We'll go back to STL right after New Years for my baseline monitoring, ultrasounds, and then a few days later I'll start stims!  Projected Egg Retrieval is January 17th, 2011.

I'm so excited!  At the same time I'm so incredibly terrified. DH is draining all of his 401k and pension money for this one shot at a baby (or babies, hopefully we get more than one, am I terrible for wanting multiples?).

Did you ladies order your meds right away or did you wait till you started BCPs, did you get anything separately?  I just don't know what this new insurance will cover and the policy specifically said it wouldn't cover IVF meds but IUI meds are covered and Follistim is used in IUIs, so I don't see that or Ovidrel being turned down...but you never know. At least Dr. B (my IUI doc) is happy to call in my meds so as to distract the insurance company from the fact we're doing IVF, hopefully they'll think we're just doing another IUI....thank goodness I pushed to pre-order Repronex in September. That cost $45 for 10 vials. Nuts, right? Now that our coverage has changed, I have no idea what anything will cost.

Whew! I need to remember I was going for Cliff's Notes, not a novel...

But we are so excited!

Also - I found out yesterday that one of my biggest idols, Idina Menzel, is currently on tour and she is stopping at Minneapolis on 11/19 and in STL on 1/23.

I want to go to one of those concerts, but if we do the ER around 1/20, I'll be on bed rest and back home by the time the Sunday 1/23 show rolls around...dangit!

I'll be looking into ticket prices and availability for the 11/19 show in Minneapolis. Woot!

Thank you so much ladies for all your support; I have a feeling I'll be leaning on you pretty soon for more since other than DH and our parents, I have NOBODY here to talk to about this....I'm just so excited and scared all at the same time!

Welcome to November

Happy November everybody!

Updates and other matters for a quick post:

*Thanks to my new followers and to those of you who comment and email me....life is till not all roses for me and I know you're all dealing with your IF journeys along with regular life, and I'm so sorry that I haven't been commenting regularly, I guess I have been just protecting myself from becoming an emotional mess. But I'm so happy for those who are on their way to beating IF and for those of you going through IVF in the next 90 days or more, let's keep our fingers crossed for an incredible 2011!

*I was wrong about last week's OPK. Last night's was the most positive I've seen in a long time. So, AF will show up on 11/14 and that's when I start BCPs!!! Woot!  I wanna baby! Also, when I discuss plans with DH regarding next year, etc, I always include, "...when the babies come...", as if I expect us to have multiples. I should stop doing that because I'm afraid I might be (and this sounds insane) disappointed if/when we are preganant from IVF and we find out we're "only" having one baby. What is wrong with me?

*If you are pregnant and don't want to read any bad news (not about me), see ya later! Otherwise, scroll down (I'm trying to be sensitive to anyone who wants some kind of spoiler alert, just like I appreciate):












Lily Allen (the British singer) has lost her baby at 6 months. You can read more here: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/39947994/ns/today-entertainment/

I remember reading about her first miscarriage around the time I had my first loss and I felt a small, and what you might think is strange, kinship with her. When she announced her pregnancy a few months ago I didn't find myself jealous like I usually do (I'm jealous of Mariah Carey people. Again, what is wrong with me?). But when I saw the news this morning about Lily Allen losing her baby in her sixth month of pregnancy, I teared up and I feel so absolutely terrible for her. "Regular" people go through this all the time, unfortunately, but for a celebrity, I can only imagine how difficult it is to deal with this tragedy without much privacy. I don't know what I'd do if everyone I worked with knew we've had four miscarriages and are starting IVF in a couple of weeks.

So, I just ask that you keep her in your thoughts as we all deal with our pain of IF and loss. It's not that I'm a fan of her music, I just connect with people who deal with similar things in their lives and now she's lost her precious baby, being so far along. I can only imagine what she's going through....

Moving On

My fake silver cap on my nub of a baby tooth is feeling pretty good. I get the crown put on December 1st, so I have to chew on the left side of my mouth till then. Fun. And right around my favorite holiday - halloween. No I don't love it for the dressing up and spooky spirit, just the candy. I have a pretty bad candy addiction and it's been a problem since my first taste of candy when I was a small child. I wonder if there's rehab for candy addicts. There should be a dentist on-site...don't you think?

I believe I got a positive OPK yesterday, putting AF's arrival exactly two weeks from yesterday or today. I don't know if Dr. S will want me to come down St. Louis on CD3 or early in my cycle for an antral follicle count or if he'll do it any time around the end or beginning of my cycle? I confirmed with the IVF nurse yesterday that I will start BCPs when I get AF so that's super exciting!

I have to stay positive that this IVF will work - I have been pregnant 4 times, my uterus is looking excellent and the mild endo shouldn't affect anything. It's a matter of staying pregnant that's scary. I hope the prednisone/heparin/baby aspririn/progesterone(PIO) will work! I sure won't be in the running for a bikini contest after months of injections though!

Finally, can anyone direct me to a website or pharmacy who has very low prices on IVF meds? I don't know what they'll want me on yet, but I'm hoping that we can get all our meds for less than $1000. Is this possible? I think I'll be on Lupron and since I already have all the Repronex I need, I was told I will also need Follistim. I don't know if I'll need Ovidrel, but it looks affordable.

And if anyone knows of anyone who has leftover but non-expired meds, please send them my way. Thanks!!!!

Just think - if this IVF happens in January 2011 and we get a kid out of it, I'll be a mom by this time next year!!!!

You've Gotta Be Kidding Me!

So yesterday, a chunk of one of my molars broke off. It happens to be one of my 2 baby teeth.

No, I'm not kidding, I have 2 baby teeth as the adult/permanent teeth never developed.

I had to have an emergency crown repair to the tooth last night after work; well, the silver cap is on, and my permanent crown will be put in place December 1st.

Due to my severe dental anxiety, I had a bit of a panic attack thanks to necessary shots in the ROOF OF MY MOUTH and upper back gum line. I took a Xanax (which I'd gotten for my HSG but didn't use b/c of it's postponement) right before the shots so it didn't kick in till about 10 minutes into the procedure. I cried, shook uncontrollably, and hyperventilated.

I'm 28 years old and not a drama-queen/hypochondriac.  I've just had a ton of (painful and extensive) dental work done in my life and I can't handle it as well as some people.

I listened to Pandora on my Droid phone and tried to calm down during the drilling and jabbing of things into my mouth. Concentrated on keeping my mouth open as wide as I could, etc. They kept wiping tears off my face, so that was nice. But the cost was $1,000.

Are you kidding me? Like we didn't have urgent need for any cash we have for my recent (financed) surgery or upcoming IVF?

I wanted to say my day sucked, that my life sucked.

But I know there are people out there with much worse lives or situations so I felt guilty even thinking that.

But my day was not at all enjoyable. I got home, took a demerol and went to bed.

I will at least say that I had a severe case of the Mondays.

10 Days Later

Has it only been ten days since my last post? Amazing.

I'll give you the rundown:

HSG was postponed b/c AF didn't show till 10/15 due to massively late ovulation.
Had consult on Saturday 10/16 - we love Dr. S! Can't wait to get started.
Dr. S wants following tests/labs/procedures done before we start:

DH: S/A and Hemoglobin A1C (to check for diabetes).
Christa: CD3 FSH and Estradiol; Hysteroscopy w/ HSG to see if tubes are open and if there's any scar tissue; find out Antral-Follicle Count from first IVF consult in April, AMH test.

Here's what we have accomplished since LAST SATURDAY:
DH: S/A done. Count has plummeted to total 16 million with 50% motility and a high pH. No morph count in yet. Hemoglobin A1C: 5.4, supposed to be between 4-6. Unfortunately his Glucose came back at 108. Cutoff is 99.

Christa: FSH 7.9, Estradiol 21. Both normal. AMH test sent to Mayo Clinic for results.
Hysteroscopy w/ Laparoscopy for Tubal Dye Study completed on Thursday 10/21/10. Still recovering.

Guess what they found when they were poking more holes in me? Fucking Endometriosis. Yep. Stage I-II. I've never had it before and Dr. B (who did this procedure too) looked for it last November during the Laparoscopic surgery to repair my ruptured tube from the ectopic pregnancy. He showed me pictures last November: no endo.

Suddenly, I have three spots of endo!?!?! What the hell!?

It shouldn't cause IVF to be cancelled, right? Dr. S will just have me on Lupron, right?

I'm kind of freaking out. But at the same time, my tubes are open and we've run all the tests we can run....We're doing ICSI but DH's count drop is not good, that's for sure.

Sorry I took so long to post, it's been a crazy week.

But we've put money down with the clinic and we're scheduled for a January retrieval date! Dr. S said this cycle is a "Testing Cycle" and that I'll start BCPs when I get AF next month, likely mid-November. We'll go back downt to STL to set up the calendar and for him to do an U/S and we'll be able to finalize everything.

That's where we're at.

Hey - anyone puke after Hysteroscopy and/or Lap? I started puking today!

Smiles and Grrrs

So - quick updates:

AF is not here yet.
She won't be till tomorrow or Friday b/c I didn't ovulate until CD18 or CD19 (wtf is up with that too?). Today is CD32. All BFNs but I swore the last 3 days I was knocked up. But it was wishful thinking.
Email from awesome nurse at IVF clinic included the following: an HSG before bleeding has ended can cause endo. Huh? Well I'll believe her. My doctorate in GoogleIVF isn't as prestigious as her nursing degree and years of experience in IVF. So the HSG for this Friday will likely be cancelled as of tomorrow and I'll try to get one in next week locally so as not to derail everything. She also said a retrieval will likely happen in JANUARY. Um, my psychotic need to schedule everything has an expectation of a retrieval in early December. Dangit. We'll straighten this all out on Saturday because the doc will either put me on about 20 days of BCPs or 40. 40???? That's a lot.

So help from you IVF ladies? If CD1 is this Friday, and I have the HSG next week, what do you think he'd do based on your experiences? Do you really think that it'll get dragged out for all of November and stims in late December?

As for my life outside TTC, I had 3 cat trees/condo/towers delivered and assembled as of last Saturday morning and they are too cute! Pictures are coming, I just need to take some of the last 2 we assembled.

And finally, I have added 3 new blogs for your reading (and drooling) pleasure:

http://epicute.icanhascheezburger.com/
http://bakeitinacake.com/
http://prettyprettyyumyum.wordpress.com/

For someone like me who has a sweet tooth that surprisingly hasn't caused diabetes or complete tooth rot yet, these sites made me smile this morning and I can't wait to see all the new delicious creations they show us!

Question

Is there something wrong with me in that because I wore a dress (and heels) to work today that it's not only a big deal for me but at the same time a huge hassle but I still feel like a grown-up and quite sexy?

This dress - with similar heels - and curly hair

We're going to "Wicked" tonight in Madison and since we live a 1/2 hr in the opposite direction and changing into a dress after 9 hours of work is a pain in the a**, I wore it today. With a little black mini-sweater b/c it's chilly in here and I hate my arms.

And to prove I'm not a proper grown-up, I'm wearing a black tennis skirt with shorts in them b/c I don't own a slip. And I would prefer shorts on because whenever I wear a dress (with the exception of my wedding dress, and even then I think this happened) people see my panties.

Luckily for me, I was walking with DH past VS (you know what this store is....do I need to say it?) after buying my dress and I walked in with him, to his surprise. I said he could pick out a pair of panties or a thong for me. He turned all red and the excitement must've gotten the better of him, he just told me to pick something out and he'd be cool with it.

Did you know that VS took out all XL sizes from their stores? Unreal. A very helpful and nice but overweight gal working there gave me the complaint line information and said that they might bring them back if more people complaint.

Turns out, I found a buried XL but 2 Ls fit me. So I feel pretty good about that.

In TTC (torture-tested christa) news, it's 8dpo. Nips are getting kinda sensitive. Slight nausea.

I think my diet (a crappy one) is to blame for most everything.

Finally, another question: is it bad that I can't sleep at night without 2 Benadryls? A Benadryl dosage is the exact same as an OTC sleeping pill dosage and each only has one ingredient, the same ingredient, Diphenhydramine. Sad and strange that if I needed benadryl for actual allergies, it'd completely knock me out because it's a sleeping pill.

Finally

Okay so last night I tested with yet another OPK. Positive.

Had some baby-makin' time with DH to hopefully save the $10k+ cost of IVF. Fingers crossed. We'll give 'er another go tonight and/or tomorrow.

Tested again this morning and the test line was darker than the control line. I guess I'm REALLY ovulating. The pinching pain on my right side made me curious about that yesterday.

I have prescriptions from both Dr. S in St. Louis and Dr. B here locally for pain and panic control for the HSG. Don't worry, I'll talk to the pharmacist when I pick them up as to interaction issues, what and how much I can/should take, etc.

As of today I have health coverage. After going without since 9/12, I was quite nervous. It still doesn't cover IVF. Dangit.

Last night DH and I ran errands after work. One stop was at a local drug store. He was looking in the clearance bin for deodorant (don't ask) when I walked up to him with a bottle of Malibu - Pineapple flavor, a bottle of Riesling, and a bottle of sleeping pills. He seemed concerned when he put the items together but I assured him that they're all separate and no I don't want to take them all together. Sheesh.

DH and I argued a lot last night, just pissy stuff. When we were going to bed it came to a head and we both vented a lot. He started crying when I said that all I want to do is be at home 24/7 in my sweats and just stay there all the time, not doing anything. He said he sees that in me and it scares him that he can't do anything about it. I said that I'm miserable and I want everyone around me to be miserable too. He can't drink and hasn't since July '09, save for a couple of beers every other week. He said he's sick of not having any friends. I said that all the friends he had ditched him when he stopped (binge) drinking with them on the weekends so they probably weren't that great of friends. I also acknowledged that I've pushed away all former friends who have babies because I can't emotionally handle being around them and he said that he wishes we could hang out with people more. I told him it's still self-preservation and he has his own softball team, golf league(s) and other activities that keep him social without me.

I know I probably have been a bit depressed for the past three years, but it's not debilitating and I'm surviving so I'm not planning on doing anything about it. Unless IVF #1 fails. Then I think I'll probably derail.

CD17 - No "O"?

Hi. I'm not so grumpy today.....

I've been dipping OPKs into pee-filled cups since CD14. Nada. No ovulation yet. I am currently freaking out for the following reasons:

1. the HSG is supposed to be done around CD5-CD9. At this point, I haven't ovulated. It is possible the HSG will be on CD2 or CD3. Oh crap. It'll be a seriously bloody, painful mess. I hope it isn't cancelled.
2. I get AF exactly 14 days after I ovulate. Well, sometimes 12 days. Still, at this point I'm not expecting AF till 10/13 at the earliest now, still making the HSG fall on CD3. WTF!
3. No I'm not pregnant. I checked. Dammit.
4. what if I missed it? Good thing we "did it" Saturday night (CD13), but still, that's not like me to ovulate exactly mid-cycle.

So that's it. Any thoughts on an HSG being a little earlier in the cycle? It shouldn't be too much of a problem, right?

I watched "Parenthood" last night on NBC. One couple was fighting about whether or not to try for baby #2 (according to them, #1 was so easy to concieve). All I did was heckle. DH didn't really appreciate me throwing popcorn at the screen either. Gotta love being a bitter infertile.

We are loving our '09 Chevy Traverse. Can't wait for upcoming road trips: 10/8/10 (Madison, WI for "Wicked"), 10/15/10 (St. Louis, MO for HSG and IVF consult). I'm sure we'll find somewhere else to go in that thing. Other than continual trips back down to St. Louis!

The only good thing about AF running a little late would be that the IVF cycle would be set up better so that the typical transfer days don't fall around Thanksgiving weekend, as they were shaping up to be. I would have to be on more meds to delay/prolong stuff. Perhaps the 2-3 day delay will save us some med money.

Finally, when we go down for the consult, we'll finalize everything and hopefully get started right away. I'll get my med list and go about quickly finding the best deals on the necessary meds. I have 10 vials of Repronex and 5 days of 5mg Femara/Letrozole pills. That should help. I use Shrafts/Walgreens typically but if any of you know a cheaper (proven) option or have leftover meds I could buy, it would mean the world to me! DH is draining his 401k and Pension to pay for IVF #1 and he said (though I might be able to change his mind) that if IVF #1 doesn't work and subsequent FETs or if we don't have frozen embryos, he doesn't want to finance further cycles. So since the meds might be mostly out of pocket this time, any money we can save would be amazing! Again, even with DH's new job, there is zero IVF coverage.

Oh, yeah. The retrograde ejaculation on the day of IUI #9. It was unexpected and I contacted DH's urologist who said that he wouldn't see this as anything other than a fluke and doesn't think it'll happen again but if it does that we should contact him. Dr. B (my doc) thought it was some kind of stage fright. Yeah right. It wasn't DH's first rodeo. He's all business with that stuff now.

One Month Later

You know I follow everyone every day. I write blog entries in my head on a daily basis. But for the last month I haven't entered them. Bad stuff happened, but not that bad.

-IUI was cancelled the day of because even though I got FOUR beautiful follicles and a perfect OPK, DH suddenly had retrograde ejaculation. The microscope ironically showed only four sperm. No not four million, four hundred thousand. Four. And they weren't even moving. Panic ensued.

-Tried on our own that month. Waste of time. BFN.

-Day of cancelled IUI (which we chose by the way, Dr. B suggested postponing till the next day but we figured we'd missed the optimal window and out of pocket didn't seem like the best plan) I called the St. Louis clinic and scheduled the phone consult for exactly the same day I wanted it 9/15.

-Phone consult was awesome. I like Dr. S very much. He said I should get another HSG (gasp!) b/c of the ectopic and subsequent emergency lap to remove it last November. I've been diagnosed with hydrosalpinx this year already and they can significantly lower the chance at successful IVF. He'd rather clear them with an HSG then remove them b/c I still can get pregnant on my own, just a slim chance of that happening.

-"Celebrated" my 28th birthday 9/16. Woot. Depressed, cried myself to sleep. You know why so I don't even have to explain it.

-Ordered 2 cat trees, got one free. I'm a cat lady. And will be one for halloween. Also thinking of using my Price Is Right nametag with cat lady costume to be a cat lady who is a contestant on the price is right. Funny, no?

-Somehow got dream-date of 10/15 for consult but it got bumped to 10/16 (saturday) so that the HSG could be on Friday 10/15. 6 hour drive to St. Louis is scheduled and hotel room is booked.

-DH realizes that we would be making dozens of trips to St. Louis and back in may 2005 Suzuki Forenza (see: clown car for tall people) and freaked out.......we are in the middle of purchasing a 2009 Chevy Traverse. We are now happy.

-Daily panic attacks about another HSG (torture I tell you!) and have convinced Dr. B to give me Lortab (his med choice, not mine) but I'll only get 2. So I begged Dr. S's nurse for meds too. I'm a bad bad girl. But I think it will work. I want to drug myself so that I'm out of it and can get through the procedure without screaming again. It freaks people out.

-DH said yesterday that I have zero pain tolerance compared to him so when I'm in extreme pain now it doesn't really make him nervous - that I'm probably blowing the HSG out of proportion. He also said the miscarriages and treatment are "consequences of our choice to try to have a baby." Result? A huge fight and tears in the car. He still doesn't think he said anything wrong. Am I being too sensitive?

-We are trying on our own this month - laugh. Will find out by 10/11 if it failed. Which it will.

I'm jealous of everyone who is having babies. I have no friends IRL.

I have to go now - I have a stupid golf tournament to play in.

Dammit.