Things I Love... *updated

*Updated* My husband, family, friends, duh (they're people, not things though; I decided that I should put them on this list)
All things "Tw.ilight" except being called a Tw.i-har.d. *(Update for Lindsey and anyone else who was wondering - I won't see "Ec.lipse" till late Friday night for 2 reasons: 1) scheduling conflicts, and 2) I saw both "Twil.ight" and "Ne.w Moo.n" on opening night and had to sit through 2 hours each of screaming teenagers and missed most of the dialogue. Not again!!! I figure 10 pm on a Friday, 2 days after the premiere, should lower the chances of screaming teeny-boppers so that I can actually enjoy the movie with DH (a reluctant date) and my giant tub of completely unhealthy popcorn).
*Updated* Movie Popcorn, yum.
All things "Har.ry Pot.t.er" except when DH teases me b/c ONE TIME I had a dream I kissed Daniel Radcliffe.
Arrested Development - get that movie on its way!
Golf.
My new irons.
My new driver.
My new bag.
My AWESOME HA.WKEYE SHOES.
Pino Grigio wine - chilled.
Chopped.
Top Chef.
The words "Amuse Bouche".
The Real World circa Season 1 to about 2003.
Road Rules before it got stupid.
MTV when it showed videos.
Sporty polos.
Bermuda shorts.
Cats - especially kittens.
Tosh.0. Love him! Love his show!
Musicals.
Broadway.
Glee.
Lea Michelle.
Kristin Chenowith.
IDINA MENZEL.
Wicked.
Les Miz.
Funny Girl.
Funny Lady.
Candy - way too much.
Diet pop.
Kohls bucks.
My new HTC Hero phone.
Mom's spaghetti, potato salad, rhubarb cake, blackberry cobbler, ranch dressing.
Grandma's pear jam.
Cupcakes.
"The Notebook".
"Titanic".
"Tommy Boy".
"Dumb and Dumber".
Seattle Mariners (when they aren't awful - mostly the 1995, 1996, 2001 teams).
Seattle Seahawks (up to the point that they lost to the Steelers in the 2005 Super Bowl and then got rotten).
Seattle SuperSonics (1990's - Rain Man, The Glove...wow).
College Softball.
Olympic Softball.
SYTYCD - new love!
My wedding.
My honeymoon - Jamaica (Couple's Resort in Ocho Rios, now named Tower Isle).
My cockatiel Teo - he's 15 years old.
My kitties Milo and Jack (ages 3 and 5, respectively).
My new landscaping thanks to MIL; the lilies are blooming, as is my Angel/Memory Garden plants/flowers.
The town I live in (small town hicksville compared to Seattle!).
Driving 78 mph whyile blasting my CDs and singing loudly on the highway during my 90 minute commute (total/both ways) every day.
Thunderstorms.
A cold Bud Select while on hole #5 at Meschers.
My hair after it's been done at the salon - it stays nice for at least 1 more day!
Full body massages - when I don't feel fat, pasty, and gassy (hasn't happened but I've been nervous).
A picture of me from college when I was pitching in Florida - I was RIPPED!
My tattoo - yes I have one; it's a rose with Del.ta P.hi Sig.ma in greek letters underneath; lower right pelvis under belly button.
My birthmark (took me decades to get over it, it's under my left butt cheek - kids teased me endlessly).
Traveling.
Currently, my job.
New technology I understand.
Ooh...Netf.lix - we stream it to our flat screen via the W.ii. Love it.
Sleeping in.
Breakfast Pizza.

Okay that's enough.

I needed to be positive for you guys and you also got to know me a little better, I suppose.

Thanks for all the support - I still need it so much!!!

*Wince*

I was at the Dollar Tree during the lunch hour to buy a bunch of ovulation and pregnancy tests. I then threw a bunch of other crap on top to a) hide what i had in my basket, and b) enjoy a session of retail therapy.

I went to check out and the 60 year old employee saw what was at the bottom of my basket and told me to "just relax.....go home and open a bottle of wine and turn on some music and have some fun...", that she and her husband had problems and that's what she did...they didn't need these pee tests back then.

I wasn't even mad. I was more embarassed for her b/c she shouldn't say that stuff to anyone, and then embarassed for myself because if I wasn't an infertile, i'd probably laugh at someone buying that stuff at the Dollar Tree.

So even though what she said was technically offensive to an IF-er, I just laughed and told her to have a nice day. Why be a bitch, you know? I'll save that for comments from family or friends - like when my sister told me, after my third miscarriage, that "God will give you a baby when he thinks you're ready". 

Why I oughta.....

Perspective Change Please

You know how in the movies, when there’s a flashback or flash-forward though events in someone’s life? We observe the heroine meet Mister Right and they get married. Then they buy and fix up their dream home. Finally we see them having kids, going to soccer games, carpooling…all the boring, normal stuff. Or think about movies you’ve watched when the main character ascends the corporate ladder. Remember how we sat through The Lion King and hummed along as Simba transformed from a cub to an adolescent/adult lion during the “Hakuna Matata” song?
It’s so easy for the audience to go along with the life-changing events or trials and tribulations of a person (or animal’s) journey. The problem with the point of view from the seat in the audience is that we don’t feel what the characters are going through because we get to be a fly on the wall.
I wish I was a fly on the wall in my life. I want the last three years of my life to be one of those sequences with no dialogue, just sweeping, melodic music and a disconnection from the sadness and despair that is infertility and (recurrent) pregnancy loss. I wish I wasn’t taking three Benadryls every night just to be able to fall and stay asleep.
I wish a lot of things.
But if wishes were fishes, we’d have a huge fish fry. You like what I did there? Yeah, not so funny, but I don’t know what else to say on the subject.

Updates...

AF started Saturday/Sunday, around midnight. Painful, ruined some clothes at a family gathering yesterday...yay. Glad I've learned over the years how to get those stains out quickly and easily.

So AF #1 has started. AF #2 should begin sometime around July 18th-20th. IUI #8 should be the week after the 4th of July. At least I'll get to imbibe a little, unless they say don't drink with all the injectables. No biggie, b/c no out-of-town family visits are in order and we just get to relax that weekend with a family reunion and golf outing on my side.

Other updates...golfing is going well. I have a tournament this afternoon, league on Wednesday and the women's city championship (2-day) this weekend.

...9 days till E.clip.se is released in theaters!!!! Not sure if I want to watch all 3 at the theater next Tuesday night and stay for the premiere at midnight b/c I won't get home till like 3:30 am, maybe asleep by 4...i can barely stay awake past 11 on weeknights. I have a hair appt at 7:30 next Wednesday (the first night I can see the movie after work)...and that's been pushed back a month already. So do I wait till Thursday night? Yeah...probably. I have to be a responsible adult I suppose. Not looking forward to all the screaming teenagers so I figure Thursday is a better night to go b/c the weekend will be insane!!!

...SIL is not pregnant. yet. i feel like time is running out on that one though, they have to get lucky sometime. they always get what they want.

...DH is looking for a new job, desperately. It's impossible to find a job for someone with an MBA and 4 years out of college with a job at one location that he only took for the benefits. Sucks. He's so underpaid.

We want to do IVF and his car is about to die. We need him to make a lot more money and he's trying. If he doesn't pass the Series 63 test next month, he's fired anyways. We can't afford that....

So there we go. I'm sorry if I haven't been commenting, I guess all the pregnancies are still hard for me to take but I'm sure that once some more time passes and we start doing treatments again, I'll get more hopeful.

Genetic Testing Results

"No Chromosomal Abnormalities."

Me: 46 XX
DH: 46 XY

It's an answer, but still leaves unanswered questions: why all the miscarriages? do we really have that bad of luck?

Well that's done.

Also - could I be doing ANYTHING worse during the 2 weeks post-ovulation? Drinking, exercising, not taking prenatals/baby aspirin, enjoying junk food and lots of coffee.... like our sad attempt to get pregnant right after a d&c would have worked anyways.

At least, according to the Mayo Clinic, we should be able to have a biological child together.

I'm Still Here

I've been golfing a lot. I had a tournament yesterday (got 2nd overall) and have one next Monday...then the 26th and 27th of June is like the Women's City Tournament. Individual play. DH is my caddie on day 2. I hope to be in the top 10. That'd be nice.

DH and I were golfing on Saturday, just the 2 of us. We got in a stupid fight and I started crying, pretty hard. Choked on my iced tea. I guess that holding back all the pain and tears from all of this can hit at crazy times I guess. I've also been really b*tchy lately. That's not like me. I don't know if suddenly, 4 1/2 weeks post-d&c, hormones are screwing with me. But I'm pretty out of it these days.

I am a nut so I'm planning on seeing if our +OPK trysts worked by testing this upcoming weekend. Yeah, well I need something to look forward too. AF or a BFP are both fine with me. AF means we can move on.

I got the results from my chromosomal tests today - NORMAL. DH's are due in a couple days. At least its not me. I'd feel awful if DH had something wrong, but I'd like to know if that's the reason for RPL. If his test is normal, we'll go ahead with 1-2 more (DH wants 3 more) Injectable IUI cycles. Can you imagine? 10 IUIs?

We found some mini/micro-IVF in Madison. I'm following one blogger (makingmemom.blogspot.com) using this method; unfortunately, for some crazy reason it's not working for her (yet, b/c I think it will). The price is right...any thoughts on this?

3 of my co-workers are expecting. Due in September, October and November. I was the fourth one who was pregnant and would have been due in December. I have to see their growing bellies every day. Only 35 people in the office. The three of them work several feet from my desk. Some days, I'm fine. Others, it's tough. I just hope I don't start having crying jags. I would have been 12 weeks this Thursday.

Is it just me, or are most of the bloggers I'm following pregnant now? It's not fair, it seems, that I've been pregnant before them and they had to read about my pregnancies. Sad though, how the tide turned after my most recent loss. BFPs everywhere. 

With my luck, we'd get pregnant during our "break" and lose that one too. This sucks.

I'm Pathetic

Yesterday...6pm. Feeling cranky, wondering if it's legit or hormone-based. Felt boobs. They were sensitive. I've felt crampy lately.  Remembered I had 3 Dollar Tree Ovulation tests in my car along with 4 Dollar Tree HPTs. Decided to take an internet cheapie OPK. It was blazingly positive. 2 thoughts ran through my mind: (1) how am I ovulating 3 weeks after the d&c? I thought it'd be 2 weeks and I'm supposed to get AF this Friday b/c it'll have been 4 weeks since the surgery.... (2) holy shit what if I'm pregnant again ALREADY?

So I got an EPT out...kept it in the package. Doubted that I'm pregnant even though we BD'd (finally) 2 weeks after surgery. Ran down to car to get boxes of tests, DH stared at me, asked what I was doing. I said, "nothing" and ran back upstairs. Desperately tried to pee again. Got enough for an HPT and an OPK.

Guess which was positive?




....the OPK. Scared ya didn't I?


I squinted at the negative HPT (which had a fricking evap line) and told myself I was a sad, sad loser and shouldn't even be pregnant yet b/c my body needs to reset.



Then I said that I didn't care and decided to try to get pregnant again. Already. Even though our chromosome tests are on their way to the M.ay.o Clinic.



Needless to say, I'm trying to have an "oops" baby. I'm sick. I'm trying to punish myself. Why can't I just enjoy the 2 months off?


Because it's been my life to TTC for the past 33 months straight. I've been pregnant 4 times. Something's gotta stick one of these days.

Sigh. At least (TMI) our sex life is back on track. For now.

WTF Appt

Here's the plan:

Must wait till AF #2 post-D&C to start trying again. AF #1 isnt due till next week or so. Perhaps next Friday, perhaps the week after. I took an OPK on Saturday (15 or so days post-d&c) to see if I was ovulating or something to be able to better track AF's arrival (she comes 14 days after ovulation, typically no matter what). The opk was negative so I'll take one more probably tonight and if nothing then I'll just wait and see I guess.

So AF #2 should be mid-July. Fine enough.

In the meantime, I will live life and golf A LOT. I got new irons yesterday (Taylormade Burner Plus) and a new driver (Nike SQ Dymo Str8-fit Driver), a new Nike 4-wood and a new bag (also Nike) in Iowa Hawkeye colors.

Big purchase but 1/2 the price of DH's clubs he bought last year. I'm golfing 2-3 days a week now for the next several weeks with some big tournaments so I'll just enjoy that and not worry about meds, beta hells, 2wws, etc.

We are doing the karotyping/chromosomal analysis too. We'll get our blood draws done this week and get the results back hopefully before AF #2 arrives so we can finalize our decision to do 2 more injectable IUI cycles. If they don't work we'll go to IVF.

Dr. B understood our frustration with the "local" (1.5 hrs away) clinic and recommended Madison. I have been in contact with the Reproductive Center in Minneapolis but Madison is closer (2 hrs at most) and will allow all monitoring here, so we might go that route.

Dr. B said that barring any abnormal results of the testing, he believes we should be successful with an IUI. DH's parts work, I can clearly get pregnant, but Dr. B thinks we're just having awful luck.

I'll keep you all posted but I think it'll take me awhile to get back to daily posting. Lots of BFPs out there and I'm so happy for everyone who's found success after so much struggling.

I guess I'm just sad that I'm not on that journey with them right now and I kind of need to take a deep breath after miscarriage #4. It hit pretty hard. I'll try to do 1-2 posts a week. I will try to comment on other blogs, but the pregnant ones might take some time for me. I'm so sorry but again, I'm so happy for all of you.

Hi

I'm still here. Just trying to get through life. Our WTF appt is on June 1st. DH is adamant that we should do 2-3 more IUIs b/c 20% of them have worked. I'm ready for IVF but the closest clinic sucks (forced 1 embryo transfer; forced monitoring appts, all of them, at the clinic 1 1/2 hrs away).

I have to wait for AF #2 post d&c to start injectables again. We've decided to do a chromosomal analysis on the two of us to find out what the hell is going on and if they can find something. If there is something there, then IVF it is.

Anyone heard anything about Madison, WI IVF clinics? Chicago? Is Minneapolis the way to go?

2 month break. Yeah, we'll play it cool the first month, but we're going for broke on month #2 on our own.

Suppose I'll spend the next 6 weeks golfing, drinking, living.

D&C was worth it - painful recovery but one thousand times better having the D.emer.ol with it. Much less traumatic. DH was awesome - we're both sick of this shit though.

FOUR MISCARRIAGES.

Why???????!!!!!!!

Over

No more development. Had d&c. At home recovering with Demerol. I'm okay...

Its No Surprise

Ultrasound #2 today, well #3 if you count the disaster at the IVF clinic.

Still no fetal pole. 6w3d based on the IUI.

There should have been a fetal pole by now.

Scheduled another u/s for this Friday.

While the sac has grown as it should, the yolk sac is beginning to look abnormal and blood has gathered near the gestational sac.

If no progress (meaning a fetal pole and heartbeat) is made by this Friday, I'll miscarry. I'm not sure if I want a D&C or Cytotec again. Either way, I'm gettin some bangin' pain meds.

I'm going to go look up IVF clinics now b/c I hated the one we went to. Single embryo transfers only, must monitor there including blood tests, etc. Jerks.

6w4d/6w2d - 108th Post

I'm still here! Sorry if you were worried or concerned.

Saturday was DH's MBA graduation. It was hard to sit through all the undergrads and the speeches, but it was so worth cheering on DH when he got his degree (though it was empty b/c they sent him his degree via mail 5 months ago since he graduated in December).

DH, his parents and my parents went to Cedar Rapids to eat at Texas Roadhouse. I may have made a mistake in saying we'd go during the 6 week mark. I.Was.Sick. Nothing sounded good, the second I got too full, I needed to puke. Ridiculous. I could hardly enjoy our expensive dinner - I should have waited till the second trimester! Oh well I'm sure we'll go back then as well. :) I'm not complaining, I'm happy to have symptoms that don't include debilitating lower back pain. But the nausea - whew! It's out of control! I am holding back on the throwing up part but car rides are so difficult now. I'm thrilled to be back in the saddle. It's been over a year since I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant but it feels like yesterday.

Any how, I somehow made it home Saturday night without throwing up.

Yesterday, we went to my aunt's house for my dad's side of the family's Mother's Day get together. We go there every year for breakfast and my aunt and uncle make food for everyone - waffles, omelets, you name it. I was able to pick at some food to get some down but normally I would have dominated the buffet. Oh well. Next year I'll be feeding Junior during that breakfast and I'll be lucky to eat at all! :)

Then we went to the mall so DH could get his mom a card. Yes - he waits till the day of EVERYTHING to buy cards. After that we went home, I cleaned up the kitchen and living room b/c they were really messy and DH mowed the lawn.
We went to his parents' house around 4 after watching Inglour.ious B.asterds. Pretty graphic but funny nonetheless. I ate a tiny bit of chicken, mashed potatoes and corn with some strawberries and a mini-carrot thrown in. I gave up all drinks with Asp.aratame so all they had besides gross country water was Strawberry pop. It was like syrup! Dang. Oh well, it's all for the baby!

So tomorrow is ultrasound #2. If I'm able to not throw up before then, it'll be quite the feat!  Last spring the first time I threw up was at 7w5d, but the baby was at 7w2d. So I figure I have at least a week right? Yeah I don't think so.

Oh, best part of yesterday? DH got me a mother's day card. I didn't want him to but he did and it was cheesy and he got me scratch lotto tickets. I didn't win anything but it was still sweet. And I got a foot rub. So, not a bad Mother's Day. Hopefully, it's my last one without a baby of my own!!!

6w1d/5w6d

So I figure this kid's measuring 5w6d. But based on LMP I'm 6w1d. I figure Fridays are good middle days so today, to compromise, I'm six weeks. :)

I'm way more relaxed now knowing that this isn't ectopic AGAIN. I couldn't have handled that. I just need to get through the next four days and then we should be able to see our little one again.

I am completly convinced it's a boy. I am probably wrong and I don't care what's between its legs, but in case I'm right, I'm throwing it out there.

I feel sick after eating more than a child's size meal, which my last 2 meals have been (not counting breakfast - oatmeal was a disaster that exploded in the microwave). Can't wait till I start puking. That was the best part of last spring's pregnancy. It felt so real then.

Thanks for all of your support - there are so many blogs I want to continue commenting on, but I'm so afraid of offending someone because I KNOW what it feels like - I still count myself as an infertile. I haven't even gotten to double digits in weeks yet so please don't think I'm off in la la pregnant land. I've been here 3 other times and had it ripped away from me. I'm still scared every time I look at the toilet paper/my undies. When I hear other pregnancy announcements, it still stings. Is that crazy? I guess I'll always be snarky about fertiles.

So if I'm not commmenting on your blog, it's not because I don't care - I'm following all of you every single day. I think about you all and hope tremendously for the best for all of you and it means so much that I'm in your prayers.

Ultrasound #1 - 6w0d

I can't believe I made it this far.

There is one, beautiful gestational sac in the uterus. One beautiful yolk sac right inside it. Because the IUI was on CD16 and not CD14, I'm more like 5w5d than 6w0d but that's fine and the u/s tech said that the gestational sac and yolk sac are looking perfect and she thinks that if I came in tomorrow we'd see a heartbeat.

We are going back next Tuesday at 4pm for a follow-up ultrasound (Ultrasound #2). Based on LMP I will be 6w5d but the baby should measure more like 6w3d, which is where it should be. The sac was about 5mm and to see a heartbeat it should be over 20mm.

The doctor said that all subsequent ultrasounds will be fine, every other week, but for insurance purposes, I'll have to call in with "spotting" or something in order to get in, and he'll approve all of them.

What if I really am spotting though? How will he know the difference? I'll just tell the kid to not cause any trouble so I can have my fake-emergency ultrasounds every 2 weeks till the first trimester is over. :) After the heartbeat u/s next tuesday, I'll be in for the 8 1/2 week one an the 10 1/2 week u/s. I'm sure he'll have me come in at the 12 week one for protocol, so I just need to sneak in 2 more for peace of mind.

I am still in shock that as of today, everything is normal.

What's next? An actual baby?

5w6d - 25.5 hours to go

So I woke up at midnight because my cockatiel (had him for 15 years, long story) was freaking out in his cage. I got up, took him out and went to the bathroom. Then I got this bad cramp, like AF cramps. I've been having them but this one lasted about 5 minutes, at least. I got worried. I went back to the bathroom (I put the bird back to bed at this point) and figured (sorry TMI) that I just had to go #2. No dice. The cramping went away after about 10 minutes and I had no spotting or anything. But it reaffirmed to me that I can't get too attached to this thing yet b/c if I lose this one, I'll really lose it.

Everything is either going to continue on track tomorrow or this thing will derail. I'm not ready for bad news. My in-laws and mom keep telling me that everything will be fine and that the u/s will go well and that I should be positive. They have no idea what we're going through. How can I possibly expect that all will be fine after three losses? I don't trust my own body anymore. I wipe and inspect toilet paper like a CSI. I look for every possible change in symptoms or lack thereof. They are hopeful, I am realistic.

I think I'm too attached this time though. Not necessarily to the baby even, but to my child. The one I should have had by now, the lifetime I should spend with my baby. It's the "life" we grieve when we lose a baby, the dream of what could have, should have been. I'm not ready to give up on that dream yet.

TV report:

(SPOILER ALERT)


*Glee was awesome last night - much better episode than last week.  I'm bummed about Jesse James (Jonathan Groff) breaking up with Rachel though. I hope he comes back - I love his voice and he's such a cutie even though he's g.ay. "Physical" was way too funny! Did Molly Shannon's guest appearance seem like a flash in the pan? They could have done so much more with her...

*American Idol. Hmmm. Looks like Crystal is not so modest anymore, constantly arguing with the judges now that they don't "love" her performances anymore. Lee will hopefully win - then things will work out best for both him and Crystal. I can't stand Casey or Mike and Aaron's cannon fodder. I wonder what next week's theme will be? Could it get much worse?

5w4d

Still here. All is good.

Just watching Tough Love Couples. Christina is crazy!

I'm scared about Thursday. What if the u/s is bad? Then this dream is over. I'm starting to think that I won't be able to handle it well.

I'll keep enjoying being pregnant for now.

62 hours until the ultrasound. Sigh.

5w3d

So I didn't even think, till five minutes ago, of entering my first and last betas to see the entire line of progression. This appears to be along the lines of "normal".


If I'm still pregnant tomorrow, I will have beaten Pregnancy #3 (ectopic) and I've already beaten pregnancy #1 (4w5d).  That 9w0d challenge is presenting itself. Game on.

Still feeling okay. I've had on and off cramping (lasting maybe a minute at the most) since the beginning and I had that with all three pregnancies/losses and I guess I'm supposed to cramp a little so that's fine. No spotting. Nausea if I'm sitting for a long time and I'm hungry. My boobs still hurt - I need to get better dress bras. The old, saggy sports bras aren't going to work at the office.

Still can't wait till Thursday at 9:00 am. Our lives are going to change, hopefully in a good way and not the bad, depressing, surgical way that we're fearing.

5w2d - Circling Pattern

You know how when a plane needs to land but has to circle around the airport while waiting for clearance? Yeah, that's how I feel these days.

Will there be a sac? Will something be in it? What if this is ectopic again? What if it's heterotopic?

What if it's normal?

What is normal?

So I sit here, waiting, trying to keep myself busy. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, like it always does.

Still taking Dollar Tree hpts b/c I'm a nutcase.

Trolling the internet to read other blogs, pregnancy sites, etc. Just trying to enjoy this while it lasts.

5w0d - Still Okay

Well, no betas left to do, I just keep peeing on dollar tree tests to see if the lines are getting darker. They are...
Boobs still hurt.
Lower back is still killing me - I swear something in my back is out of place (but I hate chiropractors and I'm deathly afraid that an adjustment will have a negative impact on the pregnancy). So I just deal with it.
I refuse to take Tylenol or any other medications. I took amoxicillin and Tylenol during my 2nd pregnancy and I will always wonder if that contributed to the loss even a little bit.

So I keep using the heating pad. It works.

DH and I have calmed down a lot since we got the good beta news yesterday. Now we're pretty much holding our breaths until next Thursday morning's ultrasound. Around 6 1/2 days left. Sigh.

Once we see a heartbeat here's what happens:

I will try to schedule ultrasounds for every 2 weeks (if not weekly!) because of our history and since it's our money we should be able to have them often till the 2nd trimester, when it should be monthly. But I'm the crazy RPL/Pregnant lady so this should not be a surprise to anyone.

We have not been to the Texas Roadhouse restaurant in Cedar Rapids since right before we got married. That was around October 2007. We promised each other after last spring's loss we would not eat there, separately even, until we got pregnant again and heard a heartbeat. So if everything is good next Thursday, we're going to Texas Roadhouse with his parents and maybe his sister and her husband (still not pregnant; am I terrible for smiling at that?).

DH will be allowed to attempt the 1 pound burger challenge at the restaurant in our neighborhood.

DH will be allowed to eat a Hardee's Monster.Burger.

Are you getting the theme of these events? In order to keep DH from eating and looking like SHAMU, I had to promise him these eating rewards when we got pregnant and reached different milestones.

These are the big three that he wants. So he's got a lot riding on the ultrasound. Lol.

I don't know what we'll do for 12 weeks, but at 9 weeks I want to do something for sure. It'll be Memorial Day weekend so I'm sure we'll think of something we've been holding back on .

IVF appointment - sucked.

Basically they seemed annoyed that I showed up pregnant. Like I timed it that way or something. So we talked to the nurse - an IVF nurse who speaks IF. Yeah, it's like doing IM-speak with a teenager. I was in my element. I rattled off everything and she was taken aback at how knowledgeable I am about all of this.

Same reaction from the Financial lady. We qualify for Iowarranty, the shared risk program. The RPL isn't in the exclusions so we're good to go there. Just about $20,000 for everything. So that sucks. Stupid insurance.

I then had an ultrasound. Apparently, my tubes look all wonky and there was a lot of "cellular" fluid behind my uterus and between the ovaries. They suspect a hydrosalpinx (fluid in the left tube) and that's why the doctor said that if I do have an ectopic, he wants the tube(s) removed b/c they'll just cause problems for IVF. They might have a higher chance at twisting during stims, causing problems for the ovaries, etc. That's why. Hydrosalpinxes (sp?) aren't allowed for the IVF program admission. That's what I was told.

Other than that, they couldn't do blood draws or the "mock transfer", or have DH give a sample to be frozen. They said to keep them posted and let them know what we want to do.

Right now? I don't want to do IVF b/c I'm pregnant. But if this one bombs, we're going there. The doc said more IUIs would increase our risk of an ectopic based on what he saw in the ultrasound.

So that's that. I'll keep you all posted. Hopefully things keep trucking right along. Thanks for all your support and comments - I don't have people to really vent to or share this experience with and you ladies are it for me and I love that. Because you get me, you get this, and you don't judge. So thank you.

Beta #4 update

I FINALLY got the call this morning about the results of Beta #4. It went up to 354 mIU in 48 hours. That's a 160% increase and doubling time of about 35 hours. The doctor's office thinks that this is normal and that I don't need anymore betas. I was basking in the glow of such wonderful results that I didn't argue. I figure that if I have more betas, I'll just obsess.

So I will need to wait 8 1/2 more days until the 6 week ultrasound to see if the little bugger is in there. The only thing we can think of to have caused such a slow in the betas is a possible lost twin. I have had no pain except low back but that's around my tailbone and not muscular. It feels like a disc slipped or something but a heating pad and stretching has helped. Otherwise my boobs still hurt, I feel nauseous a lot, and I'm tired all the time.

I will hold out that one small bit of doubt that I'm actually going to have a baby. I had one good beta jump last fall before the ectopic blew. But those numbers were around 131 on 19dpiui. My numbers are double that today and it's 19dpiui. So I'll take it.

I'm still pregnant and I'll enjoy it till it ends.

*Last year when we lost the baby at 9 weeks, I gave all the ultrasound pictures, baby books, baby socks, cards, etc to my DH. Anything related to babies, he shoved in the back of his closet, not to be seen till I was ready. Sunday night, before the bad beta on Monday, I went into his closet and found all that stuff and got it out. I looked at it all. I then set up the books and baby socks and Willow Tree box on my dresser. I got out the bella band and the doppler. It's all out. If we lose this one, we know that we'll do IVF. So for now, I plan on keeping it all out. But regardless of what happens, this pregnancy, more than the ectopic, has helped me heal so much from what happened last March.

*Also, today is 4w6d. My first loss ended at 4w5d. I beat that, so yay me! The next one, ectopic, ended at 5w3d. I just have to get past this Sunday and then the only loss I have to beat is 9w0d. After that, I'll set a new personal record and hopefully actually have this kid!

Thank you all for your support and well wishes. I'll post later on the IVF appointment/disaster and tell you what happened there.