AF Shout Out

She arrived with spiky thorns and gut punches last night. Happy dances ensued. Then, due to the typical pain and bloating, I popped some Aleve and went to bed. Thanks for the AF cheers ladies!

So while I am bent over at my desk today, trying to convince myself that I can make it through this Tuesday (CD2!!!) without taking the whole bottle of Aleve, I leave you with these images......

I wonder who thought of this? Someone like me who was waiting for AF to start IVF? Or someone with a pregnancy scare?



Also, has anyone seen these before?:

They're Luna Pads. They appear to be like cloth diapers. But instead, they're cloth pads.
I don't even like washing my ruined underwear after a period accident (sorry, TMI). Why would I want to put my used pads or pantiliners in the wash? On purpose?


Naaaasty.

Though if you think about it, women had to use cloth pads or whatever before disposable sanitary options were available. Maybe it's because I've never had to go without tampons or pads, but I can't fathom having to keep my period stuff in a drawer that I can't throw away.....

I hope it's not too gross, but I'd love to hear some opinions on this....ladies? Anyone? 





Come On AF So I Can Take Birth Control!

AF decided to send her companion, Spot, last night. Unfortunately, AF doesn't understand that we have an important itinerary set up and she needs to be here now so I can move on with my life!

Feelin' crampy, holding my breath till she arrives full force. I got a positive OPK on 10/31. AF should be here by now. I guarantee that in the next 12-24 hours, she'll be here.



I will welcome her with open arms. For the first and last time.



:)

Pssst....I Got A Package Today....

The Repronex is in my mini fridge (11 vials) and I didn't feel like getting it out, and I'd already put the Follistim and Ovidrel in the fridge too and forgot to get it out....but how friggin' cool is the Follistim Pen?!?

But you ladies who have been through this know what it all looks like.

And really, there are a TON of needles.  Just a TON.

I got my birth control pills tonight too. So surreal that I need to take them to get pregnant.

Only about four more days till IVF #1 (and hopefully the only one) begins.  Eeek!

Good Week So Far - Insurance News

Thanks for the lovely comments ladies! DH and I had a great anniversary and he even felt bad that he didn't get me a gift (I got him an enscribed desk accessory with his name, position and employer on it) that he sent me flowers yesterday at work....very sweet.

Also, after many years of disagreements over coffee (I love it, he hated it), DH suddenly wants to drink coffee. So we bought a beautiful coffee maker:

On the left, coffee. On the right, hot water so when he wants coffee, I can have decaf tea or hot chocolate....you know....when we're in the IVF cycle and when I'm pregnant! :)

Also, I got the news I was waiting for yesterday regarding my meds for the IVF cycle. Three were called into my local pharmacy by my doctor's office when I faxed over the orders from the IVF clinic - Prednisone, BCPs and Folgard. They will be covered by insurance and should be quite cheap. I'm just going to fill the BCPs and Folgard tomorrow. I'll save the Prednisone for January when I'm supposed to start taking it.

The big worry we had was for the injectables and Doxycycline. When I got the call from Schrafts in NJ, I waited for the other shoe to drop. The lady on the phone told me we have a limit of $5000 per policy period for infertility drugs. Great, so at that point I figured we were going to be having to pay that much or close to it for the year. I begged her to go down the list of what each Rx would cost us out of pocket. Here's what she told me:

Follistim (900 IU vials x2 plus Follistim Pen):     $30 co-pay
Ovidrel:                                                            $30 co-pay
Lupron (14-day kit x2):                                    $10 co-pay
Progesterone in Oil (not sure how many):          $30 co-pay
Doxycycline (#20 pills):                                    $3.26
Heparin (5,000 IU/day for 30 days):                $10 co-pay

Total for the order? $113.26

I nearly started crying. Happy crying. For once. I would never have expected all of this to go through, much less only having to pay such a small co-pay for each one. I consider myself lucky, believe me. Amazing to look at something like this from a different perspective - we're infertile but I'm happy that we have coverage for the meds that could get me pregnant.

I promise that if we can't or won't use leftover meds that they will be donated to someone who has no coverage at all, because that's what I thought we were going to need - free or donated meds. I really hope I can help someone else out because for once, we caught a big break.

Married 3 Years - TTC 3 Years.....Today

Ahhh. Our 3rd wedding anniversary. If my bridal self could see my current self, she'd be pretty bummed about the following:

I don't have a kid.
I have gained the weight I worked so hard to lose. Well, all but 15 lbs of it.
I'm most likely depressed and have less than a handful of actual friends because I pushed everyone else away.


However, here are the positives in my life:

Instead of one cat, we have 3!!!
We own our house (well, we pay a mortgage, but we no longer rent!)
We have an SUV.
We have a control on our finances.
We have smartphones.
We have a 46" LED flatscreen with a Wii.
We have a new-ish couch we bough last year - I call it the butt couch because it looks like it has butts all over it.
DH graduated with his MBA this spring.
DH got basically his dream job at his Alma Mater.
No one has stolen our credit.
We both make decent money.
Still married....duh.
And most of all, we survived our wedding and it was amazing!

So in all, the good list is better than the bad list. We have achieved so many great things that we thought would take years to complete. Sure, things are things, but for college sweathearts who were poor and idealistic, we would be pretty pumped at what we've accomplished by 2010.

5:40 pm - November 9th, 2007 in the Hummer Limo after our ceremony...awww

Yay us!

Insight Into A Couple Facing IVF

Since we got the ball rolling on our upcoming IVF in St. Louis, I've been a non-stop talking machine about all things related to IVF and what you ladies have been posting, commenting, experiencing. The only thing is, I blab to DH and nobody else. He is my best friend in the whole world and we're together every waking moment that we aren't at work. When we are working, we email.

On the way to work this morning, I kept talking about the projected dates, when we need to have the money for the IVF bills and meds, how many shots I'll be giving myself, on and on and on. I asked him why he was so quiet and he said he was sick of talking about IVF and he wanted to talk about something else.

Logically, as an obsessed infertile, I was hurt. This is my life. This is what it's come down to. Its a reflection of who I have become and who I have always been. When I take an interest in something, I research the heck out of it.  Items I want to buy, movies, books, actors, singers, sports, weddings, babies.... I demand to know every single thing I can learn about my obsession of the moment.

I've wanted a baby since the day I walked down that aisle. I've read books, blogs, journal articles, phamplets, news reports, anything I could get my hands on. I've watched documentaries, video blogs,  YouTube videos, movies and how-to videos. I consider myself an expert who is just shy of a licensed physician or Reproductive Endocrinologist.  I have never heard of a passive infertile. If you weren't a Type-A before trying to concieve, you will become one. I have been Type-A my whole life. If I couldn't control something, I quit or tried as hard as I could to get what I wanted.

This is the first time in my life that I find myself near the end of a journey that I just knew would result in what I wanted. If you asked me three years ago if I thought I'd need IVF to concieve and carry a baby to term, I'd say no way. Now? I can hardly breathe at the thought that this last chance, this $10,000 dollar hail mary, turning over all control to a doctor hundreds of miles away.....might not work. Or that it could work and we'll lose another baby.

I'm terrified that my mental and emotional state won't survive failure. This effort - this IVF cycle - is the pinnacle of our journey together, of every single day of our marriage, starting with our vows. We don't know what marriage is like without trying to have a baby. What it's like to not live through constant disappointment and terror. Through loss and frustration. Through one person being in another place emotionally than the other. My mind is 100% focused on IVF. Every waking, even every sleeping moment is full of thoughts of "what if"s.

When DH got out of the car this morning, he sensed that I was upset that he said he didn't want to talk about IVF anymore. Not the logistics, the money, the fears or the excitment. He'd said he was sick of it.

He asked me if I was mad at him. I said I wasn't, that I was disappointed and I wouldn't make a day of it. (I tend to hold grudges, sometimes all day. Usually forever with people who wrong me. It's a terrible aspect of my personality). We kissed goodbye and he walked into work.

About 15 minutes ago, he sent me an email asking if I was still mad at him. I said I was not mad, just frustrated. Here is how he responded:

"I know, I am frustrated too not at you or anything, I'm just frustrated at the entire situation and how everything is out of our control and also not a guarantee.  I am scared about what could happen and I am so excited to do this, but I just have my doubts and it is really stressing me out, which I am sure it is stressing you out as well."

See? Same thoughts as me. The difference? He keeps them to himself instead of constantly talking about it with me. We are so different yet so the same. He is able to sum up his feelings in three sentences. Is it because he's a man?

When we buy a lottery ticket, we spend our own money on that wish. We know the odds are next to zero that we will win any of that money back. But we still hope. This IVF is our lottery ticket. Instead of a dollar, it will cost $10,000. Probably more than that. What are the odds we'll get pregnant? Over 50%.

I just wish the real lottery had those odds.

I Got Our Protocol - Anyone Got Leftover Meds?

I have so much to share but I'll try to keep it to cliff's notes:

The IVF nurse told me that because my AMH is at 1.7, that indicates a "sluggish Ovarian Dysfunction" and so I've been put on a Long Lupron Protocol.

Med list:

2 Lupron 14-day kits

Repronex (I already have 10 vials of 75IU at home)

1 Follistim 900 unit

1 Follistim 600 unit

Doxyclicline 100mg 2x/day for 10 days

Prednisone 10mg/daily (begins right before ER)

Heparin 5,000 units every 12 hours starting day after ET

1 Ovidrel

PIO 1cc every 24 hrs


Does anyone have any non-expired leftover Follistim I could buy from you? I will pay for shipping too - I'm treading carefully due to the new insurance and I'm having my local doc call in the Follistim, Ovidrel, PIO and Lupron. I can get the Doxyclicline, Prednisone and Heparin locally under regular coverage and super cheap too. Doxyclicline is now in the $4/month generic listings for Target and Walmart, so not too shabby there.

I'm super afraid to go through ivfmeds.com for several reasons but it's there as an option. Once I get a copy of the meds I need my local doc to order from Schrafts/Walgreens, I'll get a call from that pharmacy with the total out of pocket I'll owe for the meds before they'd send me anything. Then I'll have a much better idea as to how much we'll actually need to spend on this. I should know by early next week what the amount will be.

Otherwise, I am to start BCPs around 11/16, and then we're going back down to STL around 12/6 for our full-day finalization of everything, talk to Dr. S some more and get injection lessons.

I begin Lupron, get this, on Christmas Day. What a super duper present!  We'll go back to STL right after New Years for my baseline monitoring, ultrasounds, and then a few days later I'll start stims!  Projected Egg Retrieval is January 17th, 2011.

I'm so excited!  At the same time I'm so incredibly terrified. DH is draining all of his 401k and pension money for this one shot at a baby (or babies, hopefully we get more than one, am I terrible for wanting multiples?).

Did you ladies order your meds right away or did you wait till you started BCPs, did you get anything separately?  I just don't know what this new insurance will cover and the policy specifically said it wouldn't cover IVF meds but IUI meds are covered and Follistim is used in IUIs, so I don't see that or Ovidrel being turned down...but you never know. At least Dr. B (my IUI doc) is happy to call in my meds so as to distract the insurance company from the fact we're doing IVF, hopefully they'll think we're just doing another IUI....thank goodness I pushed to pre-order Repronex in September. That cost $45 for 10 vials. Nuts, right? Now that our coverage has changed, I have no idea what anything will cost.

Whew! I need to remember I was going for Cliff's Notes, not a novel...

But we are so excited!

Also - I found out yesterday that one of my biggest idols, Idina Menzel, is currently on tour and she is stopping at Minneapolis on 11/19 and in STL on 1/23.

I want to go to one of those concerts, but if we do the ER around 1/20, I'll be on bed rest and back home by the time the Sunday 1/23 show rolls around...dangit!

I'll be looking into ticket prices and availability for the 11/19 show in Minneapolis. Woot!

Thank you so much ladies for all your support; I have a feeling I'll be leaning on you pretty soon for more since other than DH and our parents, I have NOBODY here to talk to about this....I'm just so excited and scared all at the same time!

Welcome to November

Happy November everybody!

Updates and other matters for a quick post:

*Thanks to my new followers and to those of you who comment and email me....life is till not all roses for me and I know you're all dealing with your IF journeys along with regular life, and I'm so sorry that I haven't been commenting regularly, I guess I have been just protecting myself from becoming an emotional mess. But I'm so happy for those who are on their way to beating IF and for those of you going through IVF in the next 90 days or more, let's keep our fingers crossed for an incredible 2011!

*I was wrong about last week's OPK. Last night's was the most positive I've seen in a long time. So, AF will show up on 11/14 and that's when I start BCPs!!! Woot!  I wanna baby! Also, when I discuss plans with DH regarding next year, etc, I always include, "...when the babies come...", as if I expect us to have multiples. I should stop doing that because I'm afraid I might be (and this sounds insane) disappointed if/when we are preganant from IVF and we find out we're "only" having one baby. What is wrong with me?

*If you are pregnant and don't want to read any bad news (not about me), see ya later! Otherwise, scroll down (I'm trying to be sensitive to anyone who wants some kind of spoiler alert, just like I appreciate):












Lily Allen (the British singer) has lost her baby at 6 months. You can read more here: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/39947994/ns/today-entertainment/

I remember reading about her first miscarriage around the time I had my first loss and I felt a small, and what you might think is strange, kinship with her. When she announced her pregnancy a few months ago I didn't find myself jealous like I usually do (I'm jealous of Mariah Carey people. Again, what is wrong with me?). But when I saw the news this morning about Lily Allen losing her baby in her sixth month of pregnancy, I teared up and I feel so absolutely terrible for her. "Regular" people go through this all the time, unfortunately, but for a celebrity, I can only imagine how difficult it is to deal with this tragedy without much privacy. I don't know what I'd do if everyone I worked with knew we've had four miscarriages and are starting IVF in a couple of weeks.

So, I just ask that you keep her in your thoughts as we all deal with our pain of IF and loss. It's not that I'm a fan of her music, I just connect with people who deal with similar things in their lives and now she's lost her precious baby, being so far along. I can only imagine what she's going through....

Moving On

My fake silver cap on my nub of a baby tooth is feeling pretty good. I get the crown put on December 1st, so I have to chew on the left side of my mouth till then. Fun. And right around my favorite holiday - halloween. No I don't love it for the dressing up and spooky spirit, just the candy. I have a pretty bad candy addiction and it's been a problem since my first taste of candy when I was a small child. I wonder if there's rehab for candy addicts. There should be a dentist on-site...don't you think?

I believe I got a positive OPK yesterday, putting AF's arrival exactly two weeks from yesterday or today. I don't know if Dr. S will want me to come down St. Louis on CD3 or early in my cycle for an antral follicle count or if he'll do it any time around the end or beginning of my cycle? I confirmed with the IVF nurse yesterday that I will start BCPs when I get AF so that's super exciting!

I have to stay positive that this IVF will work - I have been pregnant 4 times, my uterus is looking excellent and the mild endo shouldn't affect anything. It's a matter of staying pregnant that's scary. I hope the prednisone/heparin/baby aspririn/progesterone(PIO) will work! I sure won't be in the running for a bikini contest after months of injections though!

Finally, can anyone direct me to a website or pharmacy who has very low prices on IVF meds? I don't know what they'll want me on yet, but I'm hoping that we can get all our meds for less than $1000. Is this possible? I think I'll be on Lupron and since I already have all the Repronex I need, I was told I will also need Follistim. I don't know if I'll need Ovidrel, but it looks affordable.

And if anyone knows of anyone who has leftover but non-expired meds, please send them my way. Thanks!!!!

Just think - if this IVF happens in January 2011 and we get a kid out of it, I'll be a mom by this time next year!!!!

You've Gotta Be Kidding Me!

So yesterday, a chunk of one of my molars broke off. It happens to be one of my 2 baby teeth.

No, I'm not kidding, I have 2 baby teeth as the adult/permanent teeth never developed.

I had to have an emergency crown repair to the tooth last night after work; well, the silver cap is on, and my permanent crown will be put in place December 1st.

Due to my severe dental anxiety, I had a bit of a panic attack thanks to necessary shots in the ROOF OF MY MOUTH and upper back gum line. I took a Xanax (which I'd gotten for my HSG but didn't use b/c of it's postponement) right before the shots so it didn't kick in till about 10 minutes into the procedure. I cried, shook uncontrollably, and hyperventilated.

I'm 28 years old and not a drama-queen/hypochondriac.  I've just had a ton of (painful and extensive) dental work done in my life and I can't handle it as well as some people.

I listened to Pandora on my Droid phone and tried to calm down during the drilling and jabbing of things into my mouth. Concentrated on keeping my mouth open as wide as I could, etc. They kept wiping tears off my face, so that was nice. But the cost was $1,000.

Are you kidding me? Like we didn't have urgent need for any cash we have for my recent (financed) surgery or upcoming IVF?

I wanted to say my day sucked, that my life sucked.

But I know there are people out there with much worse lives or situations so I felt guilty even thinking that.

But my day was not at all enjoyable. I got home, took a demerol and went to bed.

I will at least say that I had a severe case of the Mondays.

10 Days Later

Has it only been ten days since my last post? Amazing.

I'll give you the rundown:

HSG was postponed b/c AF didn't show till 10/15 due to massively late ovulation.
Had consult on Saturday 10/16 - we love Dr. S! Can't wait to get started.
Dr. S wants following tests/labs/procedures done before we start:

DH: S/A and Hemoglobin A1C (to check for diabetes).
Christa: CD3 FSH and Estradiol; Hysteroscopy w/ HSG to see if tubes are open and if there's any scar tissue; find out Antral-Follicle Count from first IVF consult in April, AMH test.

Here's what we have accomplished since LAST SATURDAY:
DH: S/A done. Count has plummeted to total 16 million with 50% motility and a high pH. No morph count in yet. Hemoglobin A1C: 5.4, supposed to be between 4-6. Unfortunately his Glucose came back at 108. Cutoff is 99.

Christa: FSH 7.9, Estradiol 21. Both normal. AMH test sent to Mayo Clinic for results.
Hysteroscopy w/ Laparoscopy for Tubal Dye Study completed on Thursday 10/21/10. Still recovering.

Guess what they found when they were poking more holes in me? Fucking Endometriosis. Yep. Stage I-II. I've never had it before and Dr. B (who did this procedure too) looked for it last November during the Laparoscopic surgery to repair my ruptured tube from the ectopic pregnancy. He showed me pictures last November: no endo.

Suddenly, I have three spots of endo!?!?! What the hell!?

It shouldn't cause IVF to be cancelled, right? Dr. S will just have me on Lupron, right?

I'm kind of freaking out. But at the same time, my tubes are open and we've run all the tests we can run....We're doing ICSI but DH's count drop is not good, that's for sure.

Sorry I took so long to post, it's been a crazy week.

But we've put money down with the clinic and we're scheduled for a January retrieval date! Dr. S said this cycle is a "Testing Cycle" and that I'll start BCPs when I get AF next month, likely mid-November. We'll go back downt to STL to set up the calendar and for him to do an U/S and we'll be able to finalize everything.

That's where we're at.

Hey - anyone puke after Hysteroscopy and/or Lap? I started puking today!

Smiles and Grrrs

So - quick updates:

AF is not here yet.
She won't be till tomorrow or Friday b/c I didn't ovulate until CD18 or CD19 (wtf is up with that too?). Today is CD32. All BFNs but I swore the last 3 days I was knocked up. But it was wishful thinking.
Email from awesome nurse at IVF clinic included the following: an HSG before bleeding has ended can cause endo. Huh? Well I'll believe her. My doctorate in GoogleIVF isn't as prestigious as her nursing degree and years of experience in IVF. So the HSG for this Friday will likely be cancelled as of tomorrow and I'll try to get one in next week locally so as not to derail everything. She also said a retrieval will likely happen in JANUARY. Um, my psychotic need to schedule everything has an expectation of a retrieval in early December. Dangit. We'll straighten this all out on Saturday because the doc will either put me on about 20 days of BCPs or 40. 40???? That's a lot.

So help from you IVF ladies? If CD1 is this Friday, and I have the HSG next week, what do you think he'd do based on your experiences? Do you really think that it'll get dragged out for all of November and stims in late December?

As for my life outside TTC, I had 3 cat trees/condo/towers delivered and assembled as of last Saturday morning and they are too cute! Pictures are coming, I just need to take some of the last 2 we assembled.

And finally, I have added 3 new blogs for your reading (and drooling) pleasure:

http://epicute.icanhascheezburger.com/
http://bakeitinacake.com/
http://prettyprettyyumyum.wordpress.com/

For someone like me who has a sweet tooth that surprisingly hasn't caused diabetes or complete tooth rot yet, these sites made me smile this morning and I can't wait to see all the new delicious creations they show us!

Question

Is there something wrong with me in that because I wore a dress (and heels) to work today that it's not only a big deal for me but at the same time a huge hassle but I still feel like a grown-up and quite sexy?

This dress - with similar heels - and curly hair

We're going to "Wicked" tonight in Madison and since we live a 1/2 hr in the opposite direction and changing into a dress after 9 hours of work is a pain in the a**, I wore it today. With a little black mini-sweater b/c it's chilly in here and I hate my arms.

And to prove I'm not a proper grown-up, I'm wearing a black tennis skirt with shorts in them b/c I don't own a slip. And I would prefer shorts on because whenever I wear a dress (with the exception of my wedding dress, and even then I think this happened) people see my panties.

Luckily for me, I was walking with DH past VS (you know what this store is....do I need to say it?) after buying my dress and I walked in with him, to his surprise. I said he could pick out a pair of panties or a thong for me. He turned all red and the excitement must've gotten the better of him, he just told me to pick something out and he'd be cool with it.

Did you know that VS took out all XL sizes from their stores? Unreal. A very helpful and nice but overweight gal working there gave me the complaint line information and said that they might bring them back if more people complaint.

Turns out, I found a buried XL but 2 Ls fit me. So I feel pretty good about that.

In TTC (torture-tested christa) news, it's 8dpo. Nips are getting kinda sensitive. Slight nausea.

I think my diet (a crappy one) is to blame for most everything.

Finally, another question: is it bad that I can't sleep at night without 2 Benadryls? A Benadryl dosage is the exact same as an OTC sleeping pill dosage and each only has one ingredient, the same ingredient, Diphenhydramine. Sad and strange that if I needed benadryl for actual allergies, it'd completely knock me out because it's a sleeping pill.

Finally

Okay so last night I tested with yet another OPK. Positive.

Had some baby-makin' time with DH to hopefully save the $10k+ cost of IVF. Fingers crossed. We'll give 'er another go tonight and/or tomorrow.

Tested again this morning and the test line was darker than the control line. I guess I'm REALLY ovulating. The pinching pain on my right side made me curious about that yesterday.

I have prescriptions from both Dr. S in St. Louis and Dr. B here locally for pain and panic control for the HSG. Don't worry, I'll talk to the pharmacist when I pick them up as to interaction issues, what and how much I can/should take, etc.

As of today I have health coverage. After going without since 9/12, I was quite nervous. It still doesn't cover IVF. Dangit.

Last night DH and I ran errands after work. One stop was at a local drug store. He was looking in the clearance bin for deodorant (don't ask) when I walked up to him with a bottle of Malibu - Pineapple flavor, a bottle of Riesling, and a bottle of sleeping pills. He seemed concerned when he put the items together but I assured him that they're all separate and no I don't want to take them all together. Sheesh.

DH and I argued a lot last night, just pissy stuff. When we were going to bed it came to a head and we both vented a lot. He started crying when I said that all I want to do is be at home 24/7 in my sweats and just stay there all the time, not doing anything. He said he sees that in me and it scares him that he can't do anything about it. I said that I'm miserable and I want everyone around me to be miserable too. He can't drink and hasn't since July '09, save for a couple of beers every other week. He said he's sick of not having any friends. I said that all the friends he had ditched him when he stopped (binge) drinking with them on the weekends so they probably weren't that great of friends. I also acknowledged that I've pushed away all former friends who have babies because I can't emotionally handle being around them and he said that he wishes we could hang out with people more. I told him it's still self-preservation and he has his own softball team, golf league(s) and other activities that keep him social without me.

I know I probably have been a bit depressed for the past three years, but it's not debilitating and I'm surviving so I'm not planning on doing anything about it. Unless IVF #1 fails. Then I think I'll probably derail.

CD17 - No "O"?

Hi. I'm not so grumpy today.....

I've been dipping OPKs into pee-filled cups since CD14. Nada. No ovulation yet. I am currently freaking out for the following reasons:

1. the HSG is supposed to be done around CD5-CD9. At this point, I haven't ovulated. It is possible the HSG will be on CD2 or CD3. Oh crap. It'll be a seriously bloody, painful mess. I hope it isn't cancelled.
2. I get AF exactly 14 days after I ovulate. Well, sometimes 12 days. Still, at this point I'm not expecting AF till 10/13 at the earliest now, still making the HSG fall on CD3. WTF!
3. No I'm not pregnant. I checked. Dammit.
4. what if I missed it? Good thing we "did it" Saturday night (CD13), but still, that's not like me to ovulate exactly mid-cycle.

So that's it. Any thoughts on an HSG being a little earlier in the cycle? It shouldn't be too much of a problem, right?

I watched "Parenthood" last night on NBC. One couple was fighting about whether or not to try for baby #2 (according to them, #1 was so easy to concieve). All I did was heckle. DH didn't really appreciate me throwing popcorn at the screen either. Gotta love being a bitter infertile.

We are loving our '09 Chevy Traverse. Can't wait for upcoming road trips: 10/8/10 (Madison, WI for "Wicked"), 10/15/10 (St. Louis, MO for HSG and IVF consult). I'm sure we'll find somewhere else to go in that thing. Other than continual trips back down to St. Louis!

The only good thing about AF running a little late would be that the IVF cycle would be set up better so that the typical transfer days don't fall around Thanksgiving weekend, as they were shaping up to be. I would have to be on more meds to delay/prolong stuff. Perhaps the 2-3 day delay will save us some med money.

Finally, when we go down for the consult, we'll finalize everything and hopefully get started right away. I'll get my med list and go about quickly finding the best deals on the necessary meds. I have 10 vials of Repronex and 5 days of 5mg Femara/Letrozole pills. That should help. I use Shrafts/Walgreens typically but if any of you know a cheaper (proven) option or have leftover meds I could buy, it would mean the world to me! DH is draining his 401k and Pension to pay for IVF #1 and he said (though I might be able to change his mind) that if IVF #1 doesn't work and subsequent FETs or if we don't have frozen embryos, he doesn't want to finance further cycles. So since the meds might be mostly out of pocket this time, any money we can save would be amazing! Again, even with DH's new job, there is zero IVF coverage.

Oh, yeah. The retrograde ejaculation on the day of IUI #9. It was unexpected and I contacted DH's urologist who said that he wouldn't see this as anything other than a fluke and doesn't think it'll happen again but if it does that we should contact him. Dr. B (my doc) thought it was some kind of stage fright. Yeah right. It wasn't DH's first rodeo. He's all business with that stuff now.

One Month Later

You know I follow everyone every day. I write blog entries in my head on a daily basis. But for the last month I haven't entered them. Bad stuff happened, but not that bad.

-IUI was cancelled the day of because even though I got FOUR beautiful follicles and a perfect OPK, DH suddenly had retrograde ejaculation. The microscope ironically showed only four sperm. No not four million, four hundred thousand. Four. And they weren't even moving. Panic ensued.

-Tried on our own that month. Waste of time. BFN.

-Day of cancelled IUI (which we chose by the way, Dr. B suggested postponing till the next day but we figured we'd missed the optimal window and out of pocket didn't seem like the best plan) I called the St. Louis clinic and scheduled the phone consult for exactly the same day I wanted it 9/15.

-Phone consult was awesome. I like Dr. S very much. He said I should get another HSG (gasp!) b/c of the ectopic and subsequent emergency lap to remove it last November. I've been diagnosed with hydrosalpinx this year already and they can significantly lower the chance at successful IVF. He'd rather clear them with an HSG then remove them b/c I still can get pregnant on my own, just a slim chance of that happening.

-"Celebrated" my 28th birthday 9/16. Woot. Depressed, cried myself to sleep. You know why so I don't even have to explain it.

-Ordered 2 cat trees, got one free. I'm a cat lady. And will be one for halloween. Also thinking of using my Price Is Right nametag with cat lady costume to be a cat lady who is a contestant on the price is right. Funny, no?

-Somehow got dream-date of 10/15 for consult but it got bumped to 10/16 (saturday) so that the HSG could be on Friday 10/15. 6 hour drive to St. Louis is scheduled and hotel room is booked.

-DH realizes that we would be making dozens of trips to St. Louis and back in may 2005 Suzuki Forenza (see: clown car for tall people) and freaked out.......we are in the middle of purchasing a 2009 Chevy Traverse. We are now happy.

-Daily panic attacks about another HSG (torture I tell you!) and have convinced Dr. B to give me Lortab (his med choice, not mine) but I'll only get 2. So I begged Dr. S's nurse for meds too. I'm a bad bad girl. But I think it will work. I want to drug myself so that I'm out of it and can get through the procedure without screaming again. It freaks people out.

-DH said yesterday that I have zero pain tolerance compared to him so when I'm in extreme pain now it doesn't really make him nervous - that I'm probably blowing the HSG out of proportion. He also said the miscarriages and treatment are "consequences of our choice to try to have a baby." Result? A huge fight and tears in the car. He still doesn't think he said anything wrong. Am I being too sensitive?

-We are trying on our own this month - laugh. Will find out by 10/11 if it failed. Which it will.

I'm jealous of everyone who is having babies. I have no friends IRL.

I have to go now - I have a stupid golf tournament to play in.

Dammit.

CD9 - I'm A (cat) Mom Again

So I was driving to my in-laws' house on Friday around 8pm, it's a straight shot from our house about 6 miles down the road. I then saw what looked like a little black kitty in the middle of the highway and whipped the car around to see what it was.

Sure enough, this teeny tiny little black kitty with blue eyes looks up at me, a little fluffball in the road. I immediately thought she'd been hit by a car or was injured....cue watery eyes and panic. (if you haven't figured out by now, I'm a huge animal lover and advocate and living with/being married to hunters and farmers, that's a difficult lifestyle).

I scooped her up and drove the 1/2 mile to the vet's office where he and his new assistant vet were performing surgery on a little doggy but his assistant came out to help me make sure the kitty was okay. She said that the kitten was a girl, about 4-5 weeks old and seemed fine but to bring her in if I wanted to on Saturday; she said to get some milk replacement and the kitty should be okay. So I ran over to Theisen's (like a Farm and Fleet for you city-folk; and I am city-folk and I barely speak "farm" so I try to fit in here) which was closed at 8 but after pounding on the door they let me in with the kitty so I could buy some KMR (milk) and soft kitten food.

I took her home and she seemed to perk up a bit. We have a tiny (I MEAN TINY) bathroom downstairs so I set it up for her with water and food and I fed her using one of my thousands of sterile syringes (no needle of course) and she was pretty hungry. So friggin' cute too. I never hand-fed a kitten before. Just my cockatiel about 16 years ago.

By Saturday morning, I'd fed her every 4 hours and spent all my available time with her. It was hard too because DH's brothers and kids were in town and that's rare so I couldn't just not be there. But with all the TTC drama the past 3 years, I was desperate for something that would make me happy and there she was! DH and I discussed taking her to the Humane Society on Saturday, but by the time he saw her he was hooked too. We decided to take it day by day at that point. I continued to feed her and clean that bathroom constantly - she is quite messy. She's so small I had to use a cookie sheet/pan with edges for a litter box (I know, ew. But I'm the queen of sanitary so don't worry about me; I have stock in Clorox). She started using it right away and when she went #2 in it for the first time I clapped like a proud parent (that I wish I was for a human baby/child) and hollered to DH that "...she pooped in the potty!"

I feel like a little girl with a new doll, you know? I'm not playing house or anything, but it's been so wonderful to have something to look forward to other than the impending meetings with Wandy or this cycle's injection schedule that starts today.

We are taking her to the vet this afternoon for a full work-up. Our other 2 kitties (we have a huge house and this will for sure be our last pet, if we actually keep her for sure) were indifferent after a couple of days. Milo (our 3 year old "baby") started licking her last night, so that was unexpected. Jack, our 5 year old "gay queen" cat (who is a boy), was quite dramatic about her right away but as of yesterday was sleeping about 5 feet away from her, which is strange because when we brought Milo home, Jack screamed for 2 weeks and hid on top of our cabinets.

I've been all about TTC and POAS-ing and everything for so long that I needed this. I needed her. I needed something to keep me from going over the emotional edge.

It took till yesterday to even begin to start discussing a possible name. DH is a huge L.A. Dodgers fan and I thought of calling her Dodger but she's a girl. She did "dodge" a bullet by not being hit before I found her. I was holding her yesterday morning and cuddling and all of a sudden the name "Bella" came into my mind. Sure, I'm a Twilight fan. Whatever. But I'll probably never call my hypothetical daughter Bella because it's such a popular name. So, DH and I decided on Bella "Dodger" O.

For now.

But I'm in love.... :)

Pictures to come soon - my camera phone, while it is a Droid, sucks.

CD5 - Baseline u/s

Had an 11.3 follicle today. The u/s chick and nurse were sure this cycle would be cancelled but Dr. B said it's no big deal and we're going forward as planned. Cool.

I start Femara/Letrozole today for 5 days. On CD9 I start the Repronex again. On CD 11 I start OPKs and on CD13 I'll have an u/s to see how many follicle's I've got. If for some crazy reason I get an LH surge then, we'll do the IUI on Saturday. Otherwise I expect it to be the following Monday on CD 16 and I'm sure I'll have another u/s and by Tuesday we'll do the IUI.

DH's urology appt was yesterday. Testosterone at 598 (excellent number). Doc said we'll continue DH's Clomid for another 3 months but that he wants updates each month. Confirmed plan to do IUI this month and that next month is the last one we'll do before moving on to IVF.

We can afford one cycle in St. Louis at the Fertility Partnership b/ DH got a new job at his Alma Mater. A slight increase in pay but it'll mean we can pay for one fresh IVF cycle in St. Louis and hopefully we can get our meds paid for by insurance. We stopped by the clinic on the way down to Arkansas a couple of weeks ago and its beautiful and clean and I loved it. The second we find out this cycle didn't work (hopefully it does though), we'll call down to St. Louis for a phone consult and schedule the one-on-one so that after the next cycle, we can go down for our consult and get the ball rolling.

That's about it then. Any questions or anything, let me know. If you want to know anything else about me other than my lovely journey (torture) of trying to have a child, I'd be happy to answer any questions.

Eclipse post is 2 months late, will come soon.

IUI #8 Result - IUI #9 Plan

Not pregnant.

Not sure if I just experienced another chemical pregnancy - I'm not counting it if it was. DH saw the positive tests...AF arrived Sunday evening, exactly 14 days after ovulation.

New plan for IUI #9 (last or 2nd to last one before IVF must happen):

Baseline U/S on CD5 a.m.
5mg Letrozole/Femara CD5-CD9
1.5 vials Repronex/day CD9-CD12
Monitoring U/S CD12
NO TRIGGER - USE OPKs ONLY (this I pushed for and it was accepted; now I can't feel that the trigger was too early)
Upon receiving a positive OPK, IUI will occur the next day.

Felt really shitty all day (emotionally) until having the new plan put in place.

DH's appt with the urologist is this Wednesday. We'll find out now how long he can stay on the Clomid. His count is amazing but the doc said he'd take DH off the meds after 1 or 1 1/2 years. This week is the year mark.

We've decided to do a phone consult with the St. Louis clinic if this month doesn't work. It is a free 15 minute phone consultation. It would cost $125 to do a 60 minute in-person consult (all tests have been done so none are necessary). If we must do a visit again to the clinic (it was beautiful when we stopped by a couple of weeks ago) in person to be accepted into the program, then we will do it during IUI #10. That way, if IUI #10 doesn't work, we can go right into IVF #1 cycle.

That's the plan. I will resolve myself to wait to test at the end of this cycle. The good thing is, there won't be a trigger to test out. If I do test early though, I won't be posting them daily. I'm quite embarassed that that happened. At least DH saw the positives after 10dpiui though so I don't feel crazy.

12dpt/11dpiui - Still Faint

I'll attach a picture of this morning's test but it's not much different than yesterday's and if you don't see the second line, neither does DH but I can. Trust me. Maybe it's a late trigger remnant, maybe it's chemical, and maybe it's just too dang early to be testing.

I'm impatient. :)

Question: if you've had 4 miscarriages and after golfing at 7+ weeks pregnant and then bleeding the next day and subsequently losing that baby, would you golf at 12dpiui? Our couples golf league position night is tomorrow and I really want to golf but I'm afraid that it will do something bad to the possible pregnancy even though Dr. B said it wouldn't.

Dude - you can totally see the second but completely faint line, right?

If you can't see it then I won't hold it against you. If it gets darker and/or I get a positive digital, you'll definitely see that. But at least I'm not getting fooled by EPTs or Clearblue Easy sticks. Stupid blue lines...And I really shouldn't be testing this soon. I'll admit it.

My name is Christa and I'm addicted to POAS-ing.