Hi

I'm still here. Just trying to get through life. Our WTF appt is on June 1st. DH is adamant that we should do 2-3 more IUIs b/c 20% of them have worked. I'm ready for IVF but the closest clinic sucks (forced 1 embryo transfer; forced monitoring appts, all of them, at the clinic 1 1/2 hrs away).

I have to wait for AF #2 post d&c to start injectables again. We've decided to do a chromosomal analysis on the two of us to find out what the hell is going on and if they can find something. If there is something there, then IVF it is.

Anyone heard anything about Madison, WI IVF clinics? Chicago? Is Minneapolis the way to go?

2 month break. Yeah, we'll play it cool the first month, but we're going for broke on month #2 on our own.

Suppose I'll spend the next 6 weeks golfing, drinking, living.

D&C was worth it - painful recovery but one thousand times better having the D.emer.ol with it. Much less traumatic. DH was awesome - we're both sick of this shit though.

FOUR MISCARRIAGES.

Why???????!!!!!!!

Over

No more development. Had d&c. At home recovering with Demerol. I'm okay...

Its No Surprise

Ultrasound #2 today, well #3 if you count the disaster at the IVF clinic.

Still no fetal pole. 6w3d based on the IUI.

There should have been a fetal pole by now.

Scheduled another u/s for this Friday.

While the sac has grown as it should, the yolk sac is beginning to look abnormal and blood has gathered near the gestational sac.

If no progress (meaning a fetal pole and heartbeat) is made by this Friday, I'll miscarry. I'm not sure if I want a D&C or Cytotec again. Either way, I'm gettin some bangin' pain meds.

I'm going to go look up IVF clinics now b/c I hated the one we went to. Single embryo transfers only, must monitor there including blood tests, etc. Jerks.

6w4d/6w2d - 108th Post

I'm still here! Sorry if you were worried or concerned.

Saturday was DH's MBA graduation. It was hard to sit through all the undergrads and the speeches, but it was so worth cheering on DH when he got his degree (though it was empty b/c they sent him his degree via mail 5 months ago since he graduated in December).

DH, his parents and my parents went to Cedar Rapids to eat at Texas Roadhouse. I may have made a mistake in saying we'd go during the 6 week mark. I.Was.Sick. Nothing sounded good, the second I got too full, I needed to puke. Ridiculous. I could hardly enjoy our expensive dinner - I should have waited till the second trimester! Oh well I'm sure we'll go back then as well. :) I'm not complaining, I'm happy to have symptoms that don't include debilitating lower back pain. But the nausea - whew! It's out of control! I am holding back on the throwing up part but car rides are so difficult now. I'm thrilled to be back in the saddle. It's been over a year since I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant but it feels like yesterday.

Any how, I somehow made it home Saturday night without throwing up.

Yesterday, we went to my aunt's house for my dad's side of the family's Mother's Day get together. We go there every year for breakfast and my aunt and uncle make food for everyone - waffles, omelets, you name it. I was able to pick at some food to get some down but normally I would have dominated the buffet. Oh well. Next year I'll be feeding Junior during that breakfast and I'll be lucky to eat at all! :)

Then we went to the mall so DH could get his mom a card. Yes - he waits till the day of EVERYTHING to buy cards. After that we went home, I cleaned up the kitchen and living room b/c they were really messy and DH mowed the lawn.
We went to his parents' house around 4 after watching Inglour.ious B.asterds. Pretty graphic but funny nonetheless. I ate a tiny bit of chicken, mashed potatoes and corn with some strawberries and a mini-carrot thrown in. I gave up all drinks with Asp.aratame so all they had besides gross country water was Strawberry pop. It was like syrup! Dang. Oh well, it's all for the baby!

So tomorrow is ultrasound #2. If I'm able to not throw up before then, it'll be quite the feat!  Last spring the first time I threw up was at 7w5d, but the baby was at 7w2d. So I figure I have at least a week right? Yeah I don't think so.

Oh, best part of yesterday? DH got me a mother's day card. I didn't want him to but he did and it was cheesy and he got me scratch lotto tickets. I didn't win anything but it was still sweet. And I got a foot rub. So, not a bad Mother's Day. Hopefully, it's my last one without a baby of my own!!!

6w1d/5w6d

So I figure this kid's measuring 5w6d. But based on LMP I'm 6w1d. I figure Fridays are good middle days so today, to compromise, I'm six weeks. :)

I'm way more relaxed now knowing that this isn't ectopic AGAIN. I couldn't have handled that. I just need to get through the next four days and then we should be able to see our little one again.

I am completly convinced it's a boy. I am probably wrong and I don't care what's between its legs, but in case I'm right, I'm throwing it out there.

I feel sick after eating more than a child's size meal, which my last 2 meals have been (not counting breakfast - oatmeal was a disaster that exploded in the microwave). Can't wait till I start puking. That was the best part of last spring's pregnancy. It felt so real then.

Thanks for all of your support - there are so many blogs I want to continue commenting on, but I'm so afraid of offending someone because I KNOW what it feels like - I still count myself as an infertile. I haven't even gotten to double digits in weeks yet so please don't think I'm off in la la pregnant land. I've been here 3 other times and had it ripped away from me. I'm still scared every time I look at the toilet paper/my undies. When I hear other pregnancy announcements, it still stings. Is that crazy? I guess I'll always be snarky about fertiles.

So if I'm not commmenting on your blog, it's not because I don't care - I'm following all of you every single day. I think about you all and hope tremendously for the best for all of you and it means so much that I'm in your prayers.

Ultrasound #1 - 6w0d

I can't believe I made it this far.

There is one, beautiful gestational sac in the uterus. One beautiful yolk sac right inside it. Because the IUI was on CD16 and not CD14, I'm more like 5w5d than 6w0d but that's fine and the u/s tech said that the gestational sac and yolk sac are looking perfect and she thinks that if I came in tomorrow we'd see a heartbeat.

We are going back next Tuesday at 4pm for a follow-up ultrasound (Ultrasound #2). Based on LMP I will be 6w5d but the baby should measure more like 6w3d, which is where it should be. The sac was about 5mm and to see a heartbeat it should be over 20mm.

The doctor said that all subsequent ultrasounds will be fine, every other week, but for insurance purposes, I'll have to call in with "spotting" or something in order to get in, and he'll approve all of them.

What if I really am spotting though? How will he know the difference? I'll just tell the kid to not cause any trouble so I can have my fake-emergency ultrasounds every 2 weeks till the first trimester is over. :) After the heartbeat u/s next tuesday, I'll be in for the 8 1/2 week one an the 10 1/2 week u/s. I'm sure he'll have me come in at the 12 week one for protocol, so I just need to sneak in 2 more for peace of mind.

I am still in shock that as of today, everything is normal.

What's next? An actual baby?

5w6d - 25.5 hours to go

So I woke up at midnight because my cockatiel (had him for 15 years, long story) was freaking out in his cage. I got up, took him out and went to the bathroom. Then I got this bad cramp, like AF cramps. I've been having them but this one lasted about 5 minutes, at least. I got worried. I went back to the bathroom (I put the bird back to bed at this point) and figured (sorry TMI) that I just had to go #2. No dice. The cramping went away after about 10 minutes and I had no spotting or anything. But it reaffirmed to me that I can't get too attached to this thing yet b/c if I lose this one, I'll really lose it.

Everything is either going to continue on track tomorrow or this thing will derail. I'm not ready for bad news. My in-laws and mom keep telling me that everything will be fine and that the u/s will go well and that I should be positive. They have no idea what we're going through. How can I possibly expect that all will be fine after three losses? I don't trust my own body anymore. I wipe and inspect toilet paper like a CSI. I look for every possible change in symptoms or lack thereof. They are hopeful, I am realistic.

I think I'm too attached this time though. Not necessarily to the baby even, but to my child. The one I should have had by now, the lifetime I should spend with my baby. It's the "life" we grieve when we lose a baby, the dream of what could have, should have been. I'm not ready to give up on that dream yet.

TV report:

(SPOILER ALERT)


*Glee was awesome last night - much better episode than last week.  I'm bummed about Jesse James (Jonathan Groff) breaking up with Rachel though. I hope he comes back - I love his voice and he's such a cutie even though he's g.ay. "Physical" was way too funny! Did Molly Shannon's guest appearance seem like a flash in the pan? They could have done so much more with her...

*American Idol. Hmmm. Looks like Crystal is not so modest anymore, constantly arguing with the judges now that they don't "love" her performances anymore. Lee will hopefully win - then things will work out best for both him and Crystal. I can't stand Casey or Mike and Aaron's cannon fodder. I wonder what next week's theme will be? Could it get much worse?

5w4d

Still here. All is good.

Just watching Tough Love Couples. Christina is crazy!

I'm scared about Thursday. What if the u/s is bad? Then this dream is over. I'm starting to think that I won't be able to handle it well.

I'll keep enjoying being pregnant for now.

62 hours until the ultrasound. Sigh.

5w3d

So I didn't even think, till five minutes ago, of entering my first and last betas to see the entire line of progression. This appears to be along the lines of "normal".


If I'm still pregnant tomorrow, I will have beaten Pregnancy #3 (ectopic) and I've already beaten pregnancy #1 (4w5d).  That 9w0d challenge is presenting itself. Game on.

Still feeling okay. I've had on and off cramping (lasting maybe a minute at the most) since the beginning and I had that with all three pregnancies/losses and I guess I'm supposed to cramp a little so that's fine. No spotting. Nausea if I'm sitting for a long time and I'm hungry. My boobs still hurt - I need to get better dress bras. The old, saggy sports bras aren't going to work at the office.

Still can't wait till Thursday at 9:00 am. Our lives are going to change, hopefully in a good way and not the bad, depressing, surgical way that we're fearing.

5w2d - Circling Pattern

You know how when a plane needs to land but has to circle around the airport while waiting for clearance? Yeah, that's how I feel these days.

Will there be a sac? Will something be in it? What if this is ectopic again? What if it's heterotopic?

What if it's normal?

What is normal?

So I sit here, waiting, trying to keep myself busy. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, like it always does.

Still taking Dollar Tree hpts b/c I'm a nutcase.

Trolling the internet to read other blogs, pregnancy sites, etc. Just trying to enjoy this while it lasts.