Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Life Feels Like A Bunch Of Constant "Countdowns" These Days

2 days. 21 hours. 58 minutes. That's how long (right now) I have to wait till our first ultrasound. I've passed Milestone #1 and on Saturday will have reached Milestone #2. Its all I can seem to think about. We're basically convinced we're having twins - way to put the big fat cart in front of the horse, right? See, we can't see us affording IVF again after even one baby, so I guess selfishly we're hoping for twins so we can complete our family. I can't possibly be the only infertile whose thought this way though, right?

I have to let you all know that I stumbled across this blog today: I Want To Be A Daddy, written by Alec. He recently started the blog and is taking us through their journey one step at a time and I find his writing so helpful as it gives the husband's perspective of an infertile life with losses and heartbreak. I highly recommend you take a look!


In other news, I received my prize from LisaB's giveaway she had on her blog The Pursuit of Pregnancy!


As soon as I saw the package in my mailbox I knew that was it so I tore it open and spent the rest of the night pouring over it - lots of info, for sure. I even showed DH some pictures and while he was pretty grossed out, this whole IF experience has made the female reproductive system much less of an "ick-factor" for him to look at. Thanks for the book, Lisa!

In work news, I've been working on trial prep for case and it's gotten pretty intense. Basically we hate the opposing attorney and she's making everything we do a hassle and a headache. I can't wait till the judge hears about it and throws the book at her. Small-town Iowa, you'd think that we wouldn't have to deal with the schenanigans of big-city lawyers, but apparently we do.

Overall I'm just trying to make it through each day, worried all the time that something bad will happen. Will we have a sudden miscarriage like pregnancy #2? A blighted ovum (or two?) like pregnancy #4? DH wants me to switch to suppositories because he hates giving me the shots (it takes me a 1/2 hour to get myself psyched up for the PIO every night, it's sad) and said he will be begging Dr. S to have me switch over to suppositories as soon as possible.

I don't feel comfortable quitting the shots that early though because I feel like its working and it cancels out a possible progesterone issue if I'm getting so much now. My levels haven't even been tested and I don't want to worry about anything happening if I go off them too soon. Dr. S will give us his advice and I trust him. But I'm scared not to do PIO till at least 8 weeks. Can anyone give me some advice?

Finally I want to send a shout out to all you supporters out there leaving me comments, thoughts and overall encouragement. It makes me feel really good to know there are people out there rooting for us. So thank you again! Soon I will be able to blog about things other than pregnancy, I'm just on edge because of four prior losses. I'm sure you can understand and sadly, some of you can relate.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Beta #2 *Updated with graph

16dp3dt: 1226 mlU/ml!

Doubling time of 35.5 hours.

Dr. S said no more betas, next step: ultrasound #1!


















Either I'm havin' twins or an overachieving singleton.

Ultrasound next Saturday, 2/12/11 in St. Louis at 7:30 am. Deep breaths, people.

Friday, February 4, 2011

4w4d/15dp3dt - What A Beta Day

Whew! Yesterday was nutz! Work was crazy, I barely got to eat anything till dinner, and I was up before 5am.

Today is a different story. I finally know that I am pregnant, the number seems to rule out ectopic or a CP (so far), and I'm just so ready to move forward and make it past all my other pregnancy "dates".

If you are not an RPL victim like I am - and I say victim because I didn't do anything wrong - then you always keep track of when the pregnancies ended. Here are my dates/milestones for me to get past for this pregnancy:

4w5d - Pregnancy #1 which was a chemical, ended at midnight at four weeks five days.
5w4d - Pregnancy #3 which was ectopic, ended on this day due to rupture and I had emergency surgery.
7w0d - Pregnancy #4 which was a blighted ovum, ended with a D&C. Might've been 6w5d but what's the difference?
9w0d - Pregnancy #2 which was a sudden loss after seeing the heartbeat consisistently for 3 weeks. Awful.

Once I get to Sunday, I will have reached Milestone #1. It will likely be the easiest of the four. Making it past Milestone #4 doesn't guarantee us anything, but I will surely breathe quite the sigh of relief.

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Question: does anyone know what the hell happened to babymed.com's beta graph capabilities? I tried yesterday to make one on their site and it would not work at all!  I just wanted to see the progression and whether yesterday's beta of 471 mlU/ml was near the twins range. Here's one I made myself based on last year's pregnancy's chart that I saved. Because I'm nuts:

I figure there's still a shot of having twins. At least I'm not below the "average" line. I feel good so far.

But only so far. :)


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Last but not least, I'm finally doing my first ICLW this month! I hope it goes well. I feel like such a an IF virgin when it comes to this stuff! 2010 was my first Creme, now I'm doing ICLW. What's next?

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I have just gotten back into Grey's Anatomy recently after quitting the show during the whole ferry disaster in season 3 or whatever. I want to rant a little here as an IF-er (SPOILER ALERT, LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE):
Calliope is pregnant, maybe 5-6 weeks along. She bugs an MFM/OB/GYN for an ultrasound, everything's fine but she's told it's too early to hear a heartbeat. Drama drama drama.....later this doctor tells her that you can't even hear/see a heartbeat till "at least 8 weeks".
WTF?!?!?! Lies. All lies I tell you. First the "hostile uterus" crap by Meredith and now incorrect info as to heartbeats and ultrasounds? There was a scene where Mark (baby daddy) went to McDreamy and dropped the pregnancy bomb and asked for advice. I loved this: Shepherd said that he and Meredith have been trying for months with no luck and Mark looks at a chick and she's knocked up. You should have seen Shepherd's face when he got the news. Nice to see a man's reaction for once to a preggo announcement.

Still though. 8 weeks!?

Thursday, February 3, 2011

14dp3dt - Has Your IVF Doctor Called You Lately?

I have so much to say that I can't even organize it into a coherent thought!

First of all, beta results.



471!!!!


The husband and I are thrilled with this result! Last year, with the doomed blighted ovum pregnancy, the level at 17dpo (today) was only 136 mIU/ml. I think we're doing much better than that, don't you? Beta #2 is this Saturday with u/s #1 tentatively scheduled for next Saturday, 2/12.

I have to say this and I hope that someone googles my blog or my clinic and sees this:

Fertility Partnership is the best IVF clinic EVER!!!!!!

My doctor called me last night because he'd read my post about the PIO info I'd been given by someone at the clinic. I don't know if you saw this, but he actually commented on that post:

"As Medical Director of Fertility Partnership I would like to say that PIO can not cause a false positive hcg. I would like to know what individual on our staff actually said that to you so that they may be reeducated.

The LH/HCG trigger can give false positives if testing is done very early. We draw the test on the day we do for number of reasons that I will share with you when you come in.

Having said that ......Congratulations.!!!"

February 1, 2011 8:51 PM

When I read that comment my heart dropped. I thought I'd gotten someone in trouble, that they were mad at me, that I'd upset someone, etc. I felt so incredibly bad. But then I remembered why I have this blog: to share, to vent, to document. I re-read my post and realized that I was simply venting and hadn't mentioned this person's name or anything. I am spoiled by my local clinic for early betas because I'm sure they give in due to being sick of hearing me call them all the time! I should have waited and been happy that I wasn't in beta hell all week. But I still felt bad. I didn't even know that my doctor was the one who had commented!

So when he called me last night, he wanted to straighten out the confusion about the PIO shots. He clarified that this was not true, just as he'd said in his post and we talked about why they do betas at 14dp3dt (to have a way to track results across the board, on the same day). He answered all my questions, we shared jokes and he said that he'd seen my pictures and that I was definitely pregnant. He was so congratulatory and helpful and all I almost cried because while I almost felt like I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar, I was so happy that he is such an honest and upfront man who would take time out of his evening just to call me about something like this.

I have had many doctors in my lifetime. None have EVER shown me the care and respect that Dr. Simckes has and I'm beyond grateful for that. His care has been above and beyond that of any physician (or even dentists) that I have come into contact with. If I wasn't "in the closet" about our infertility, I would come "out" online and in public today to proclaim how proud and honored I am to have him as my RE. I wish that I lived closer so he could be my all-time OB/GYN and deliver my baby/babies. I'll tell you what though, if I can get through the first trimester, even past viability: I'm having an official coming out on Facebook. I can't wait to tell others about all of this and to advise anyone who will listen that you don't need to spend $24,000 at the clinic closest to you for a 3 fresh + 3 frozen cycle plan that doesn't include monitoring or labs. You don't have to pay a fee for asking to do local monitoring since you only live an hour away from that expensive clinic. You shouldn't be told you will only be allowed to transfer one embryo, even if you fight for two.

We were involved in every single step of our treatment. I asked questions, I questioned answers, and everything that was happening to me was explained and I was comforted. I got hugs and high fives. I walked out of each appointment knowing that the FP staff cared about me and our future babies.

Our decision to drive back and forth to St. Louis from Northeastern Iowa for this IVF treatment was one of the best we've ever made and we are both elated that thanks to Dr. Simckes and his staff at Fertility Partnership, we are, according to him, "Royally pregnant!!!!"

By the way, he called me HIMSELF to deliver my beta results and discuss where we go from here. Are you kidding me?!?!? Sure, a call from one of their awesome nurses would have sufficed, but he called me himself. How cool is he!?

So congrats to me, congrats to my husband, and congrats to the Fertility Partnership for (so far) another success story!!!!

http://www.facebook.com/fertilitypartnership
www.fertilitypartnership.com/

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

13dp3dt/16dpo


No, you're not crazy. The test line is stealing dye from the control line.

I can't believe beta #1 is tomorrow.

Finally.


I was home for an unintended snow day today because we were literally snowed in and couldn't use our vehicle. I guess I'm working on Saturday.

13 hours and 43 minutes.

Holy beta folks, I wonder what it's gonna be?!?!?!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

12dp3dt/15dpo - Lets Talk About My Gay Cats


HPT madness at the bottom if you're interested. Right now, I'd like to have a discussion about feline homosexuality.

I have three cats. Two are male. One is female (but still a kitten). Our two male cats are super-gay. If they would let me put collars on them, they would each have rainbow collars with tons of bells. I support my gay cats but I discourage them when their intimacy makes me uncomfortable. For example: Milo (gray cat) began a little foreplay with Jack (black and white cat) the other day which turned into a full on porno in about 5 minutes. It was pretty disturbing. Jack makes some interesting noises.

So I got out my phone camera and videotaped it. 'Cause I'm gross I guess. But I kept laughing.

Jack is like my best girlfriend. He loves my hair and wants to play with it all the time. He's hugely dramatic and picky and a bit dainty. He's a huge queen. I think he sometimes questions his sexuality because he will occasionally cuddle with little Bella. But Milo always brings him back and I find them making out somewhere.

Here are some pictures of my gay, gay cats.





I kept the pictures clean. But I've got a stash of gay cat porn if you're interested. I wonder if Bella will turn lez? At least I know she won't be getting bugged by the boys. Did I mention the lovely couple is neutered? I think the vet missed a nut or two.


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Thanks for all the support yesterday. I felt like I was crazy after that phone call but now I know that it's all bullshit. I'll definitely be bringing that to Dr. Simckes' attention next time I talk to him.

Below is a picture of last night's FRER addition. I'm only using them at night now. It's still a bit of crack to me I suppose. I also use ICs and $tree tests. The $tree tests are fun because they keep getting darker and darker. I think I've maxed out the FRERs and Answer tests. The dye is starting to make the test line darker now.

Symptoms: heartburn, cramping, motion sickness (if I'm hungry and in a car, I will feel sick), sore boobs, constant hunger, tired all.the.time. I just did a boob check. Yep. Still sore. I know its probably the PIO causing it but still, it is a welcome but painful symptom.

I'm impatiently counting the hours till Beta #1 - do you have any guesses as to what my 14dp3dt/17dpo beta will be with 2 transferred embryos and a super-early BFP with a digital at 6dp3dt? I have no clue. I'm shooting for 500+. The median beta at 17dpo on http://www.betabase.com/ is 580 for twins. Singleton beta for 17dpo is 285 but I'd be surprised if it was below 500. Honestly. The FRERs have been dark since 9dp3dt.

We'll see I suppose.  In the meantime, I'll keep on keepin' on. And trying to survive the blizzard heading our way!







Monday, January 31, 2011

11dp3dt - Here's One For The IF Books

Sigh.

First I have to gather myself after the conversation I had with the IVF clinic today. Wow.


I called to let them know what's been going on with the HPTs and all that and here's what I was told:

"It might be the PIO causing the positives though. You have been on PIO shots, right? Yeah they can cause false positives and that's why we prefer that patients don't test at home and instead wait for the beta. I mean, if they're positive then you're likely pregnant, but we don't want to risk it."

I asked for the beta to get moved up. That got shot down. What the hell?

I called my local doctor's office and asked to set up a beta for tomorrow and Thursday and I was told they won't do it without orders from the IVF clinic. I said I only had orders for this Thursday's beta and I was asked to fax that over.

Have any of you heard of this theory? Home pregnancy tests do not test for progesterone, only HCG. They are two completely different hormones! I'm not buying that crap but I guess I have no choice but to wait for Thursday's draw.

This sucks and kind of pisses me off. I've NEVER read anything, anywhere, about Progesterone In Oil supplementation causing false BFPs. Also, I was on progesterone suppositories after every IUI and I NEVER had a false positive.

This is unreal.

I won't post any pictures of HPTs today because I don't have my cell phone. Also, the test line is getting darker than the control line so what's the point? Also I've had AF-type cramping since Saturday, my nips hurt a lot and I pee all the time. I have heartburn once in a while and I'm starving all the time.

Could be PIO, fine. But don't tell me that it's causing my HPTs to be falsely positive. Puh-leeeze!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

10dp3dt - Just More HPT Pics

I'm probably going to beg for an added beta for this Tuesday (12dp3dt) to go with Thursday's beta.

Taken Saturday 1/29/11, 9dp3dt

Taken Sunday 1/30/11, 10dp3dt

You might not be able to see it, but the test lines are as dark as the control lines. I don't know why I continue to test...but I'm now out of FRERs and Answers and I have coupons, so I'll be going to the drug store later today. Before my nap. I'm exhausted.

Good lord am I eating for 3 now?


That would be pretty awesome.

Friday, January 28, 2011

8dp3dt - Blog Award #2!

I would again like to thank Bridget at The Lost Stork for this award, and it is only my second one since my blogging adventure began waaay back in 2008. I'm honored. 




This award acceptance is very similar to my first award but with a twist, read on:

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.  *Thanks again Bridget!!!
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers (this is the twist!).
4. Make sure you contact these bloggers to let them know about the award


Here are 7 more things about me:

1. I care about animals more than humans. I can't watch movies or TV where an animal is hurt or killed.
2. DH and I are college sweethearts. We met and fell in love when I was a sophomore and he was a freshman (December 2002).
3. People sometimes have a hard time believing I'm 28. I was asked what "grade" or "year" I was in school just last summer. Apparently I am aging well or I don't know how to carry myself as a grown woman.
4. I'm very bossy. I like things done my way on my terms. That makes it hard to get along with other people. Especially medical professionals. *snort*.
5. I didn't have many friends and was pretty much socially tortured in elementary school or junior high, except for a handful of wonderful girls who made it bearable. I'll always be grateful to them for accepting me for who I was back then. Its a long story.
6. I have many issues with FB and how much people share. Between my 25 year old brother and sister-in-law's mushy and inappropriate exchanges and my 14 year old cousin's oversharing, along with stupid pregnancy announcments and updates, I wish the whole thing could be shut down. But I like FB page stalking to see how people are doing without "friending" them. I'm terrible.
7.  I've gone through this horrible IF journey so far with few family or friends to make me feel supported or that I'm not alone and I'm so happy now to be a part of such a special community where support is never too far away. Besides, I get more satisfaction in following other women's stories and letting them know I'm here for them too, because we're all together in this, one way or another.

And without further ado (where did that saying come from by the way?), I would like to introduce 15 blogs that I've recently found and really enjoy following (without repeating those who've already received this award):

1. Infertile Follies
2. Viva la Vida
3. Banking On It
4. The Mensing Baby Adventure
5. Zero to Baby
6. Fearlessly Infertile
7. Beckie's Infertility Journey
8. Park Slope Purgatory
9. Project Baby
10. hope4joy
11. Wishing for the Gift of Life
12. The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita
13. Baby Talk
14. Life and Love with the Bradleys
15. .:. Carpe Diem .:.

Thanks again!

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I'm not sure how many of you follow Jane at Infertile Follies or LisaB at The Pursuit of Pregnancy but they both had rough beta days yesterday. Please go show them some love because we've all had bad IF days and the support, at least to me, has helped a lot.

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Whatever's going on inside my ute has continued so far. Here's proof with this morning's test with yesterday's tests. Also the $tree tests have begun to show positives. Finally, stupid cheap asshats.

This mornings shot of test progressions. I clearly have a testing problem.
If they didn't keep changing color I might stop. I could stop if I wanted to.
You can't have an intervention if you can't find me. Neener.

My package of ICs came in the mail yesterday so I peed on lots of stuff last night,
the picture above being Exhibit A.
So when I test every 12 hours, its with three different tests now instead of just two.
I'm obsessed! Do you think there's rehab for this? 

 
The PIO shots are getting better. The movement to the top of the Sharpie circles on my butt instead of the lower half is such a big improvement. So here's my tip ladies about to start PIOs: the higher up on the butt, the better. Apparently the fatty part of our asses doesn't like needles or oil.

Finally, I told DH I'd blog about this but I'd forgotten to do so till now. When I got my IV in and was waiting to go into the ER, he was standing next to my bed and holding my non-IV hand. He kept swinging it back and forth till it hit my boob. Then he did it again. I asked him if he was really trying to cop a feel before one of the biggest days of our lives, and he said, "um, yeah?".   I wasn't surprised. At least it distracted me from all the blood on my IV hand and the nervousness of the occasion.

He's not handling the "pelvic rest" rule right now. I'm not feeling sexy or intimate at all these days and the more I turn down his advances, the more he keeps doing sweet things to take care of me and our house. I feel like the worst wife ever! I'm getting there. The heparin injections are taking their toll on my belly though. I'm running out of room for needle spots and I'm supposed to "pinch an inch" before injecting and all I'm pinching is bruises! Its all worth it now though. I'm freakin' pregnant.

For now, at least. I'll probably if I'll ask to push up my beta till next Monday (11dp3dt or 14dpo) for a Tuesday draw, followed by the already scheduled Thursday draw. I don't know if I can keep peeing on sticks and not know what my betas are!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

7dp3dt - Want The BFP Scoop?

It is my rule to take a picture with a positive digital, so I did last night. As part of that rule I post it on my blog. I can't tell what kind of face I'm making but I remember still being in a bit of shock. 



I mean, come on, right? What the whaaaat?

6 days past a 3 day transfer and I'm getting positive digis?

Here's how this played out:

I started testing with FRERs at 4dp3dt. I wanted that trigger to be gone. GONE gone. Well that was at 9 days past the trigger and I saw such a faint line (see: turning 90 degrees at a time and tilting under bright lights) on that FRER on Monday that I figured it was still the trigger and hoped that by Tuesday (5dp3dt) the test would be completely negative. So I was using Dollar Tree tests and FRERs about every 12 hours since Monday night. And I want to say that Dollar Tree tests blow. I quit using those things. Sure I was seeing something, but if I'm getting positives on FRERs and Digitals, the dang cheapos should be pretty clearly postitive, right? Man!

Anyhow, Tuesday morning I tested in the AM (5dp3dt) with a Dollar Tree and it looked faint or negative so I quit caring and moved on with my day, totally bummed, convinced that this whole thing had failed.

THEN: I tested after work with a Dollar Tree test Tuesday night (5dp3dt). Now I would be posting pictures of all of these but my freakin' phone cam sucks so much that they're all blurry. Besides, I barely saw the second line that night myself. Also, and here's the kicker: I took a digital EPT that night and it said, "Not Pregnant". I was disappointed but not surprised. I mean, come on. BUT: that meant the trigger was definitely gone.

I was really confused because I was seeing a second line the evening of 5dp3dt. That's waaaay too soon, right? But I showed DH and he said he saw it, barely, and we both got a little excited. That was my major attitude adjustment that I'd mentioned in my Wednesday morning post.

I tested yesterday morning, the dawn of 6dp3dt. It was positive. There was no mistaken that light pink line. I woke DH up before his alarm and told him....I couldn't believe it! This was really happening! But I didn't want to blog about it because I was worried that I'd get a comment that it was too early and my happy bubble would burst. I just wanted to enjoy the day while I could, just in case it popped when I got home.

We went to the drug store last night to refill my Folgard 2.2 and I decided to pick up another box of FRERs (3 tests inside, not 2!) and a box of Answer tests, just for fun (2 in that box) and we went home, oblivious as to what was about to happen. I went upstairs and used a dollar tree test and an FRER. The DT was sucky. Waste of a dollar. The FRER? Best yet. That second line was much more pink than that morning's test.

Then I said, "Fuck it.", and went and grabbed the last digital I had of the two I'd been saving since the last pregnancy shit-storm from Spring 2010. It was a Clearblue Easy digital and those suckers are hard to get a BFP with, trust me.

I set it down with the hourglass flashing, taking pictures of the positive FRER (again, at 6dp3dt! What is going on?!?!?), when I saw it.


PREGNANT.


My hand flew to my mouth and I started crying. I couldn't believe it, but it had to be true. So I grabbed the FRER and the CBE and put them in my robe pocket and went downstairs where DH was doing some dishes (he has been so flippin' sweet these days I hope I reward him handsomely when I'm feeling less like a fat pincushion) and I stuck the FRER in his face, nicely, and asked if he saw "it". He said it was much darker and he could see it. Then I got out the CBE and showed him and he smiled and said something about it being great and I started crying again and asked for a hug. I didn't care if his hands were wet, we hugged and I cried and I told him that I was so happy. He laughed at me for crying but he knew I was emotional and hormonal. I also reminded him I felt so much pressure because all the money we spent was his retirement money, that this was our one shot for a long time. (By the way, for the rest of the night I clutched that CBE and kept checking it because I thought it would suddenly say NOT PREGNANT. Tell me nobody's thought this, please. I can't be that nuts.)

Then I went and took some more pictures and then, as you know, I blogged because I had to let you all know. But I want to say this: I have seen so many BFPs on blogs over the past 3 years that have been slaps in my face. It wasn't anything that the ladies said or did, but a reminder to me that I didn't have it. This is not an obligatory apology to anyone, but I have been on the other end of failure for so long that for one moment last night, it was amazing to be able to share some good news for once. Who knows how this will turn out?

It's my fifth pregnancy. I'm trying not to be superstitious or worrisome about it. I feel confident - for now - because of the following:

This is the earliest BFP I've ever gotten. By a long shot.
Dr. Simckes has me on Prednisone (to "fix" the probable NK cells that might have been killing other babies).
Dr. Simckes has me on Heparin (to "fix" the probable clotting disorder that I might have).
Dr. Simckes has me on PIO (to make sure that I get plenty of Progesterone in case I ever had an issue with that).
I'm on Folgard and Rx-strength prenatals.
I had fluid in my uterus 11 days before the transfer and he cleared it out.
I had a tiny dot of fluid again on retrieval day but they said the PIO would make it go away.
After being dumb and googling all the fluid info I could get, it was still gone by transfer day.
My lining was over 14 mm at ET and there was zero fluid.
Dr. Simckes would NEVER have proceeded if he thought the cycle would be threatened or a complete bust.
The embryo(s) are clearly in there now and putting off some serious HCG.
I don't feel like this will be a chemical because I've had one of those and it was the opposite of this.
I doubt this is ectopic.
Finally, we can only hope that we get a take-home baby (or two!) from this pregnancy because we now know how crappy my eggs are.
BUT.
I feel confident today, and I hope the betas are reflective of my confidence.

In a freakin' week! I mean why not 11dp3dt?! Daaang! 14dp3dt sucks. But at least I can start obsessing over them later and enjoy the pregnancy now, for what it is.

I tested again this morning and the FRER is ever so slightly darker than last nights, but in 12 hours, its hard for it to increase that much. But comparing yesterday morning's test to this mornings test for DH was such a difference. Night and day how much darker that line is this morning. Freakin' nutz people. Its 7dp3dt and I'm pregnant.

*I got another blog award - this time from the lovely Bridget and I'm so sorry I haven't gotten a chance to acknowledge it yet, but I will for sure post about it later today or tomorrow! Also Bridget, your socks went out in the mail yesterday so I hope you get them today or tomorrow - good luck with your retrieval! 

**It's going to be tough keeping this from my Mom. She asks me every day how I'm doing, but when she knows I'm pregnant she gets all clingy and excited and talks about it all the dang time with assvice that I don't want. So I'm going to blissfully pretend we don't know anything yet and keep her at arms length till we get our beta result next Thursday. One more week of a secret. Sigh....

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I Don't Know What To Title This Entry

And I really don't know what to say about this either....I'll spill more tomorrow but:

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I'm going to go keep crying happy tears, staring at these tests, and celebrate with my husband.

We got some bebez up in here y'all. Pshhh.

6dp3dt


Not much to talk about today. I can say I have had an attitude adjustment and am quite positive about this cycle.

Last night's PIO shot was so much better. DH moved up the circles on my butt (drawn by Nurse Jackie after the retrieval) so the injections wouldn't hurt so much. No tears, no screaming, nothing. Just total relaxation and I took it like a grown-up.

The heparin shots are causing quite a bit of bruising and I'm wondering if my belly looks worse now or when I was stimming? Also the red biohazard bin is getting full and I've been using a mason jar with a lid for my Heparin needles so we need to get those emptied out.

Last night DH and I went out to dinner at a local fancy restaurant. I guess the economy is hitting them hard because when we went there for our anniversary dinner in 2009 our meal cost nearly $100. Last night we paid $35.00 and that included a 22% tip! We got a full appetizer, two entrees (Prime Rib and garlic potatoes) and a dessert. I only took a picture of the cake because the presentation was so pretty. My camera phone blows by the way:



Anyways, all is well here and I'm excited to say that I am mailing some socks to Bridget today who is having her retrieval tomorrow. I'm sure they'll arrive before her transfer, but thanks for the socks shout out! Really, I just went on ebay and looked for "cute socks" under $2.00 and found tons from China and Hong Kong for less than a dollar a pair with free shipping, and I ordered them a couple of months before starting IVF because it sometimes takes 2-5 weeks for the socks to arrive from international shippers. Just a tip for the future if anyone wants to check those out.









Tuesday, January 25, 2011

5dp3dt...Some News! And Then Less News...

I got my first blog award today!



It is such a much-needed pick-me-up during this 2ww. So thank you to Lisa from The Pursuit of Pregnancy for this award! Even better news, she and I are in the 2ww together and she got her BFP this week after her second IVF - I'm so happy for her!


I will proudly put this on the side bar of my blog...which is getting kind of kitchy so I really need to tidy it up.


The rules for accepting this award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award. (Thanks again Lisa!)

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 other bloggers.

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.



7 Things About Myself

1. I love zombie movies, can't get enough of them. However, other scary movies freak me the heck out.
2. I have a girl crush on Kristen Bell. Love me some Veronica Mars.
3. I wanted to be a sports reporter for ESPN until I got a reality check at my small-town private college.
4. My ten-year high school reunion is this year, if I get invited. The five-year reunion invite must've gotten lost in the mail back in '06. Jerks. Go class of 2001!
5. When I was a kid I'd dress up my cats (Smokey and Cappie) in my underwear and old baby clothes. Discuss amongst yourselves.
6. I've never ridden a horse without a stupid helmet. Dang insurance rules.
7. My glory years of high school athletics are over, but I was All-State, All-Conference and All-Area in varsity softball back in the "day". I was pretty much a bench-warmer in basketball though. If there was an All-anything for keeping it clean and warm for the starters, I would have done well.

15 of my favorite blogs!
(In no particular order, and I won't repeat any of my favorites I saw on Lisa's list because while I want to award you too, I want some other ladies to be honored as well, so I didn't forget about you!)

1. from IF to when
2. One Pink Line Short Of Sheer Bliss
3. LTF525
4. Hoping for our own Peanut
5. Maybe If You Just Relax
6. No Swimmers In The Tubes, No Bun In The Oven
7. A peek into our journey
8. semi-fertile
9. Life and Love in the Petri Dish
10. Making Me Mom
11. Crossing My Fingers But Not My Legs
12. Molto Maria
13. Infertile Follies
14. still a guest room...
15. Teresa's Pieces

I'm not one for speeches, but thanks. After blogging since '08, I feel more and more these days like I truly belong and it's been a long time thanks to this infertility/RPL crap.

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DH and I went to the grocery store last night. I purchased two boxes of FRERs with 3 (not 2!) tests in each box. I then went to the Dollar Tree and found the HPTs there, stacked up on a shelf under the display where they are usually hanging. I then used my arm and wrapped it around the stack and swept all of them in my basket. I no longer care that people are staring, I want my dang cheapo tests. But they do stare, you know, Especially when you sweep a dozen into your basket.

Then we went home, where I went upstairs and proceeded to pee on stuff. Okay, into a cup. But still, my cats are doing it, why can't I? So I used the dollar tree test. Inconclusive. Might be a faint line (still from the trigger). So I decided that the Dollar Tree would be the "test" and the FRER would be the "control" because as we all know, the FRERs are far more reliable early in the game than the Dollar Tree tests due to the indentation lines on the crappos.

I saw a faaiiiiiiint second line on the FRER. I had to turn it 90 degrees at a time and put it under all my lights, but it was there. I didn't bother showing DH. No point. So I figure the trigger is out today and I should be seeing a second line by the end of the week or the weekend if this worked. But since I bought six FRERs, I get one for each day (or evening since my results in the a.m. are notoriously worse than the p.m. piss-fests).

So there you have it. The neurotic, obsessive behavior wouldn't stay hidden. Is anybody shocked? I'm still staying positive though!

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Last night was PIO shot #9. It was the first one that drove me to an involuntary, "MOTHER FUCKER!!!" scream and then impulsive sobbing. With hiccups. Because it felt like DH found a dagger, kept it in a roaring fire for a few hours, and then jabbed it in my ass. It hurt sooo bad.

*please don't be scared if you are going to be doing PIOs soon. My case may be unique.

DH felt incredibly bad and put the heating pad over the spot and then rubbed in a circle around it which helped a bit. I felt like I should've at least gotten a lollipop or a sticker or something. Instead I got to take my prenatals and other plethora of pills for the evening. Glutton for punishment I am.

Here is our PIO routine. Am I doing something wrong? Icing beforehand went out the window when that hurt like a mofo.

1. Turn on heating pad and cover potential injection site, keep that way for 2-3 minutes.
2. In the meantime, DH draws up PIO shot and then hands it to me to put under heating pad to warm up.
3. I lay on my side either on the couch or on our bed with pillows between my legs and begin to relax my whole body.
4. DH takes syringe from me and holds it in his hand to keep warm, makes sure it isn't too hot.
5. I begin to stall, whine and threaten to harm his precious Jaso.n Whit.ten (Dallas Cowboys) jersey if he hurts me.
6. DH bribes me to take the shot, says it'll be worth it.
7. I continue to whine and stick out my bottom lip, asking if he can promise it won't hurt. He can't.
8. I suck it up, count down from 10 while still relaxing my body as much as I can, especially my butt.
9. I tell DH to do it whenever he's ready.
10. He says, "Okay here we go, 3...2...1...and in".

He pulls back to check for blood (hasn't found any yet), pushes in the PIO slowly while counting down from 20, then once it's in he counts to 5 and then pulls it out. I always bleed and he's finally started using the gauze that came with the needles and alcohol wipes. I put the heating pad back on and hold it against my but, usually whining or crying like a little baby because I'm so sore from front to back from injections. After 5 minutes I feel better and get up and go to bed.

But I can't figure out why it hurts so dang much!

I guess my whining stems from the fact that I'm hesitant to behave since if this didn't work then I went through it all for nothing but if I do get knocked up then I'll take these with a smile. I know I can't have it both ways. I'm just a brat I suppose. A brat with a bruised front and backside with a short fuse when it comes to constant pain.

I want a bebe plz. I'll stay bruized for a bebe.

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Symptoms:

I threw up in my mouth yesterday. I also didn't like the smell of my bread from lunch.
The cramping has been pretty constant, I had a strong one on the way to work this morning.

I peed 3 times last night, about every 2 hours, but I was exhausted and slept much better. So who knows.

Progesterone symptoms are consistent too: sore titties.

Just keeping track, you never know, right?

Monday, January 24, 2011

4dp3dt

I'm at work. Not really working which is so stupid of me. I should be throwing myself into work because I've basically been gone for two weeks. Instead? Googling crap like 4dp3dt....assisted hatching...I've been trolling blogs of those who've been successful, stuff like that.

I avoided doing this so far in this 2WW because I was at home on the couch and just watched TV so I didn't do this crap. Stupid internet. I'll quit when I'm done with this blog post.

Symptoms today: mild cramping and it resonates into my groin area. Cramps typically go there when they're more painful and AF-related. Not sure what the cause is but I just want to document it. I'm tired and took a nap yesterday for about an hour, but I did not sleep last night at all. I was worried about coming back to work and my right butt cheek is beyond sore from PIO injections. The left side hardly hurts but I'm scared to only do them over there. I use a heating pad on it before and afterwards and that helps, but the right side is a lost cause, I swear.

I bled while doing my Heparin injection this morning - first bleed from that. The whole belly is so bruised I probably injected it into an existing bruise. Oh well.

I haven't POAS'ed yet, which is suprising for me. I didn't have any that weren't digital and I'm not wasting those on a trigger, and DH won't buy them for me so I'll have to make him stop at the drug store after work so I can stock up. I used an internet OPK this morning but it looked like a negative OPK so I don't know what to make of that.

As for obsessing, I'm doing quite well. At obsessing, that is. At least I'm not peeing on sticks like the crazy infertile that I am. I'll start doing that tonight. He he he.

Other symptoms: nipples are sore but that's from the PIO. Oh and I was pretty bitchy yesterday. I chalk it up to DH and I being around eachother practically all day every day for weeks with rare breaks. I guess I hit my tolerance wall yesterday. We're over it now, though I think he enjoyed giving me my shot last night.

I'll keep you all posted. Promise. Thanks again for all the positive thoughts and vibes!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

3dp3dt - Call From The Clinic

My phone sucks. None of my emails, my post or my comments went through. Grr.


Heparin shots are no walk in the park. Twice a day is a bit of a bitch. However, I have found Progesterone shots turn me into a 5 year old. I actually told DH last night he could do the shot if he could catch me. And I kind of hid. Some have been okay, some have been quite painful. I'm getting used to it as is DH. But he is so sweet and keeps saying he's sorry it hurts and that it'll be worth it.

Bed rest was nice, DH took good care of me. I just spent time looking at the picture of our embryos and staying positive. Yesterday my mom came over while DH went ice fishing with his folks, and we cleaned out our fridge and freezer, something that really needed to be done. I sat in our office chair eventually because I got some pinchy pain in my lower left side. I wasn't lifting or doing any straining, but I haven't been on my feet much so if I even felt tired or sore I sat down. Then I rolled around the kitchen. It was kind of funny.

Today is my last day relaxing before going back to work. DH is positive this has worked and has agreed that I should test out the trigger if it makes me happy. Looks like I need to stock up on HPTs.

As for symptoms - my boobs hurt but it's from the progesterone. I pee constantly but I'm keeping hydrated with G2 Gatorade so I don't know if that's it. But I peed 3-4 times last night. Nuts! I have had some cramping a little over the past couple days but nothing painful.

I'm so nervous for the next week to pass because right now I'm PUPO. I don't want to be proven otherwise.

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I got a call from the clinic this morning. I missed it so I suppose the voicemail the embryologist left was sufficient because it wasn't good news. The other two embryos did continue to progress after the Day 3 transfer, but they did not reach the standard for freezing. However, because they did continue to progress and since they were lesser embryos than the ones transferred, the embryologist believes the two inside me should be fine. But sadly, we have no frozen embryos. No safety net.

At least we get our $500 freezing fee back. :(

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Playing Catch-Up

I have so much to write about but since I've spent the last 2 1/2 hours catching up on all the blogs I follow and commenting, I'll keep it condensed as possible.


Monday's retrieval was pretty smooth, in my opinion. I wore my retrieval socks. Could they be more perfect?:







I took those pictures in the hotel bathroom before we left for the retrieval. I couldn't help myself...

I also took a couple final belly pics because, again, I'm a masochist and a narcissist.


Ugh. So hot. Nastaaay.

I couldn't eat anything so we skipped that and I waddled to the car and we went to the clinic. They brought me back and after weighing me (+2 lbs), I got my id bracelet and then ran my right hand under warm/hot water for a few minutes to bring up the veins so they could put in my IV on my hand. Then I got to my bed, stripped down to my socks, put on a gown and then waited. Nurse Jackie came in and put in the IV (I'm a baby by the way and squeezed the crap out of DH's hand).

Then they walked me into the procedure room with a sheet behind me and by the time they had me get myself onto the bed/table thing, I'd forgotten about my IV altogether. They put my legs up on the stirrups which was surprisingly comfy and I just laid there, waiting to get started. The anesthesiologist put in the Versed right away and I felt sooooo relaxed. There was some conversation that I don't remember, I saw the syringe of Propo.fol being attached to my IV and I asked if that was the Propo.fol. She said yes, and I don't remember anything after that until I heard, "Christa, we're all done. You can wake up now." I was super groggy and saw DH walking towards me.

I know I asked how many eggs and he said 20, so I cried happy tears. He held my hand and sat next to me while I woke up some more. I just asked him about that so I could figure out how it went. He said I'd ask him the same question, cry with a weird face, and then fall back asleep. Seconds later I'd do it all again. He thought it was funny.

After about a 1/2 hour they took out my IV, I got dressed very slowly because my abdomen felt huge and I had some decent cramping, and then I was wheeled out to go back to the hotel.

When we got to the room, I laid down and bascially got right onto my blog to update you all. DH packed up the Traverse and set up the back seat for me to lay down on blankets to be comfy. It was so sweet and helped a lot! I'd taken a Vicodin when we got to the hotel and between that and the heating pad, I made it home pretty unscathed.

All in all, it went easier than all my other surgeries including D&Cs. Painful? Yes. Tolerable? Absolutely.

I had minimal spotting, barely anything to write home about. The abdominal pain continued through the next 2 days but the heating pad and Gatorade helped. The staff told me (yesterday) to drink G2 or Powerade Free instead of the full stuff because the low calorie kind also has lower carbs and helps with the bloating. I've been drinking the low calorie stuff since it came out so no worries there.

I spent Tuesday freaking out about the fert report...called and was told there was fertilization and the transfer was moved up to 7:30 am on Thursday. I slowly and carefully swept and mopped my floors because the cats have been peeing everywhere. I was pissed but the house needed a once-over cleaning so it felt good to get that done.

Wednesday I stayed home and felt a lot better. I did dishes, swept again and basically got our main floor cleaned up as best I could. It was so needed. I got the fert call from Dr. S around 9am and it helped having chores to do to cope with the news that my eggs suck balls.

Last night we left around 6:20 pm and the roads were unexpectedly poor. We didn't get photographed in Hannibal again but we did slide through the intersection AGAIN but during a yellow light only. No flash this time. And I had such a cool pose ready too!  We got to the hotel around 12:40 am since our Garmin decided to have us "arrive" about a mile short of the destination and we had to call for directions.

We did my shots, I took my pills, and went to bed around 1:40. Got up at 6am and decided the hotel was unacceptable. We'd stayed for free since I'd built up so many Hilton points, but it wasn't worth a second night. So DH packed up the car after taking 20 minutes to clean it off due to the foot of snow on it, and we left for the clinic. It took 40 minutes to get there when it should take 20. We also sat at a stoplight for SEVEN MINUTES. It wouldn't turn green but all the other lights kept changing as normal. I was panicking and was totally pissed. This wasn't the first intersection in the St. Louis area that's been a pain in the butt and not changed when it should.

We got to the clinic at 7:25 am this morning and was told they were running a little behind. So I sat, with a full bladder, for about 30 extra minutes. I already pee when I laugh (see: Lizzing) sometimes so I was so nervous I'd pee everywhere at some point. They brought me back and I stripped down to my socks and bra, I kept my necklace and rings on it like I did at the ER (I didn't mention that but I got to keep my necklace and rings on).

Do you like my socks? I took a picture afterwards in the car:

Chicks!

Eggs on Monday...chicks today!!!

Love 'em. So much.


Once I was neked-ish and had my gown on, the embryologist came in and gave us the report. Out of the four embryos we had yesterday, all were still growing. He gave me a picture of the two we were transferring today:




He said he'd done assisted hatching on them because it wouldn't hurt anything. I asked why we couldn't transfer three. He said because I'm 30. I said I'm 28. He said that his supervisor would freak out if he put three back into a 28 year old who had 2 remaining embryos still dividing. Fair enough. He said he felt really good about these two and that they're right where they should be for day 3. One at 8 cells, one at 9 cells.

He answered my questions about the eggs retrieved, what happened to them, etc. I felt much better. I will be asking for copies of all that paperwork for my records.

Then the nurse came back and said they were ready. I wrapped a sheet around myself and walked to the procedure room with DH behind me. I got up on that bed/table thing again and they propped up my legs on the comfy stirrups.

Now here's where it differed so much from the retrieval - I had to pee like a mother and I had a lot of abdominal pressure yet, so when they started pushing down with the external ultrasound wand, it didn't hurt but it was very hard to relax. Dr. S put in the speculum, which wasn't super comfortable. Then he started cleaning out the "interior" with saline and iodine. I think it was iodine. I don't like when my cervix is touched so that sucked. They kept telling me to relax, I kept trying.

Finally, it was time. The embryologist drew up our embryos into a catheter and the main catheter was set in the uterus where Dr. S wanted it. The embryologist came in and confirmed who I was and then had our babies in his hands. They agreed that the spot in the uterus was good and then they babies were put in the catheter. I saw the flash on the screen as they were each placed in my uterus. I had a couple tears slide down my cheeks and I had such a big smile. I was squeezing DH's hand and arm the whole time and right when they went to put in the embryos, I relaxed so much. I stayed relaxed because I would do anything for my babies and I knew this was the one time I had to suck it up and focus.

I laid there for a few minutes and then they had me walk (I shuffled) back to the bed and then I laid down for about 30 minutes. One of the nurses came in and we talked about what I should do over the next couple days and weeks, and what I should expect. She said if I get cramping and spotting in about a week, that it's a really good sign. She said with all the hormones I'm on, especially the progesterone and heparin, I will likely spot and I should stay calm.

The beta is on 2/3/11. And get this: our first ultrasound is included in the package! I had no idea!

I'm thinking that if we can get one done locally to ensure it's not ectopic and then go down for the heartbeat ultrasound in STL after that, it might work out better.

Just passing thoughts so I get them out. I know its premature but I'm a planner. Have you noticed?
We left the clinic and attempted to get here to our new hotel but the Missouri Bridge was shut down just as we were crossing it. We sat in standstill traffic for over an hour, and we were only a mile from the hotel. I put up my feet, leaned back, and just relaxed. I also took a picture or two of the traffic. It was ridiculous:






This was as condensed as I could keep it. I also wanted to get everything out while it was fresh in my mind.

I'm going to relax now and watch some Netflix on the laptop. I slept from 11am till 3:45 pm today I was so tired! We go home tomorrow and I'll definitely be relaxing in the car and continuing bed rest at home till Saturday mid-day. I figure 48 hours of rest is appropriate. I was told 24 but I'm an overachiever.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

No News Was Not Good News

I'm too upset to post all the pictures from last week, from the retrieval, I'm just kind of numb and attempting not to cry. I bugged the clinic yesterday for a fert report but nobody had any answers other than, "Yes, some did fertilize." I just got off the phone with Dr. S.

We wanted answers from this IVF. But we wanted to eat our cake too. 20 eggs should have solved all our problems. Oodles of embies, tons to freeze, etc. Our dreams came true on Monday - or so we thought.

Only 7 mature eggs could be ICSI'd, the rest of the eggs were degenerating upon retrieval. Cracked eggs, he called them. "Inherent", he said.

I make shitty eggs.

DH has shitty sperm.

Apparently, it's a miracle that we even have four embryos right now sitting in a dish, growing as of this morning's check.

Dr. S said he's open to transferring three if that's all that's left tomorrow since freezing and thawing will likely kill the remining embryo, if there is even three. He said he figured with 20 eggs, we'd have at least 8 embryos to work with for tomorrow.

I used up my resources, DH's retirement fund, work time, money, practically abandoned my cats (and bird) for weeks, jabbed myself incessently....for this?

I know it's not over till we get to tomorrow. And if we transfer (though there was a spot of fluid in the uterus during the retrieval so if that's still there, then the transfer is cancelled and we likely kill any remaining embryos if we freeze them), then great. We wait till the beta. If its negative, then we start doing more hail mary IUIs until 2012.

I peed on an expired FRER after the call to cheer myself up by seeing 2 lines. Did it make me smile? No. It made things worse because I don't expect to see one of those in 10 days.

Fuck my life.

Monday, January 17, 2011

200th Post - Divide That By Ten And You Get

.....20 eggs!!!!!

I'm back at the hotel, trying to rest before we leave at noon to go back home. All went well, according to the nurses.

I'm sore, with cramps like a period, pain about 5/10 and drymouth that won't quit, but I'm not complaining.


I thought for sure we'd get 15 eggs but I told my mom on the phone Saturday night that I thought we'd get 20 based on my history of growing eggs quickly at the end of stimming during IUI cycles.

When DH told me 20 I cried - for the first time in months I cried. He thought I was sad or something because my crazy drugged up state made me apparently lose my facial control or something but I was so happy and I still am!!!!  Also I aparrently kept asking him the same questions over and over and he thought it was funny.

I'll post a thorough detailed account of the experience but for those of you who are having ERs soon - totally worth it, nothing to get freaked out about, and I'm a big pussy who hates pain and I feel like I did just fine. So I'll sit here and rest and think about all the babies we're making today!!!

Finally, the fert report call will come tomorrow morning. Before we left I asked about DH's post-wash count and it wasn't available but the embryologist said DH and I could go and that he had enough to ICSI.

I'm so happy - thanks to all of you for the support and good wishes....clearly they worked!!!!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

We Have Triggered, People

At 8:00:03 PM this evening (Central Standard Time), I injected myself with Ovidrel. Thus, we are in the final stretch of the IVF cycle. Next stop? 8:00 am retrieval on Monday the 17th. Less than 36 hours remain until we make some bebez. I did my last Follistim and Repronex this evening too and boy am I glad to be done with those. I don't want to scare anyone who's about to start stimming, but I'm just exhausted and my belly is not thrilled with me. It's swollen/bloated, bruised and overall I feel a whole lot of pressure between my hoochie coo and my boobies.

But with 15+ follicles growing I'm not surprised. We are so excited and I don't know if Ovidrel (HCG) causes happiness but I feel so optimistic and happy today.

Also I don't think I'll have the discipline to not test out the trigger....and subsequently start testing for a bfp.

Besides, I want to see those two lines just so I remember what it looks like. This is all so exciting!!!!!
Oh, and we're discussing transferring three embryos if we can. Just for the update.

I'll post tomorrow if I get a chance - the first non-shot day since Christmas morning, so I'll be a happy camper - but if I don't I'll let you all know about how the retrieval goes on Monday when I get a chance.

Today:

We did a lot of shopping, went on the Budweiser tour and ate at the Old Spaghetti Factory. I will post pictures ASAP too, I'm just trying to post now and make as many comments on other blogs as I can.

Thanks for the support ladies and I'm thinking of all of you and hoping your weekend is going great!

Friday, January 14, 2011

From FUBAR To Textbook

In STL. All is great!

It appears that Monday's fluid and low E2 problems have been straightened out!

Todays lining: 12.
Follicles: 15 or so with sizes between 10mm and 18mm.

Yesterday's Estradiol was 604.0 pg/ml with Progesterone at 0.6. They expect the Estradiol to be well over 1000 pg/ml by tomorrow morning but it is probably that high today. I have been getting my blood draws the day before so I'm always a little behind but really I'm on track.

So I'm triggering tomorrow night but we're waiting for the phone call from the clinic to tell me what time EXACTLY to do it.

We went over the procedure, what to expect, what to wear, when to stop eating, etc. We are so excited! Dr. S was really happy with my lining - he was singing while doing the ultrasound so that was funny.

We're just so happy for such a turnaround from Monday. I'm so bloated, but it's nothing I can't handle. I'm nervous for Monday's return home because a five hour car ride will be brutal but it'll be worth it to get into my own bed and have DH take care of me a little bit.

So we're going to enjoy some touristy things here in St. Louis and I'll be continuing my stimming with tomorrow being my last Lupron shot and my last Follistim and Repronex shots are tomorrow night too! I can't wait to have an injection-free Sunday!

Good luck to those having retrievals, getting transfers, injecting themselves or starting the stimming process this weekend. I wish for all of us to get through this well and get BFPs!!!!!
 

I Can't Control Everything | Desenvolvido por EMPORIUM DIGITAL