Thursday, March 31, 2011


I found the baby's heartbeat tonight! Love that doppler, totally worth the purchase. Heartbeat in the high 150s...amazing.

Monday, March 28, 2011


hey. its me.

we made it. still pregnant and it's March 28th.

friday's appointment was fantastic; doppler didn't work so we got to see the baby dance on an ultrasound..

i didn't have a pio shot last night either, since we're alternating shot days this week.


i am grateful to have been given another day to be a mother.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

11 1/2 Weeks.....Just Bobbing Along

No, I didn't go to the doctor this week...yet. My "12 Week" appointment is this Friday afternoon, but they're basing that schedule off of my ultrasounds which have put me 2-3 days ahead repeatedly. I'm still "turning over" the weeks on Sundays. It's just easier till I have some more reassurance that all is going to be fine, i.e. 2nd Trimester.

The appointment this Friday will include a doppler check and a pelvic exam/pap smear. *Chuckle*.....nope. I'll be refusing the pelvic exam. The dildo-cam is all that's allowed 'round those parts for now. I just had my pap smear in November 2010 so I won't need that till either later in the pregnancy (not getting cocky, just planning ahead as needed) or after giving birth (is that actually going to happen?). The pelvic is really just to do the pap so as it is unnecessary - this has been confirmed by an OB nurse too so I'm not just being rebellious - I would feel more comfortable having the doppler check.

Since I have a tipped uterus, they likely won't find the heartbeat with the doppler yet, so I was promised that if that doesn't happen I will get a quick ultrasound. Neener neener HMO.

I still feel sick but it's more tolerable these days. I continue to want to feel sick as a reassurance that all is okay, at least until I can find the heartbeat with my doppler at home (I may have tried, it didn't work, don't judge me). Food in general is extremely difficult to eat as most food grosses me out. I'm now on an old person's diet of jello, yogurt and fruit. Nom nom nom. I'm sure I'll find all of that gross before the end of the week. Just for the record. My belly, while only in the 11th week, is getting a bit pokey. In that I mean the part under my belly button is starting to be protruding a bit more. I'd push on it to see what I felt but it's totally bruised and tender from the Heparin injections. I also feel what I'd call "growth" in my pelvic area. It's difficult to describe but it's not cramps, just different.

Home life is good. Our bathroom remodel is done and I'm enjoying it immensely, especially the shower. Bella was front-declawed and spayed a week and a half ago and seems to have healed completely. Her suture removal is this Saturday and I'm not looking forward to it. As cute as pink stitches are, why couldn't they have been dissolvable?

Dr. S said I should taper off of the PIO so I re-explained the plan to DH last night to finish out this week with daily shots and then go every other day for a week and then we're done. He got so pissy and said we weren't doing PIO for 13 weeks. I explained that we'd already discussed this and he was fine with it last week or so, and that it's not up to him. He's being quite an ass these days - mostly because of basketball on TV, and all of his fun plans to golf and watch baseball this summer. Things are tense most of the time as I don't feel well and he feels inconvenienced by me. I just don't get it. We would have given anything to be in this situation (pregnant) and I feel like he's taking it for granted. Sorry I don't plan on having sex during pregnancy, dear. Sorry I don't plan on golfing anytime soon, dear. Sorry I don't feel like traveling 7 hours to visit your brothers in Indiana and then turn around 36 hours later to sit in the car for another 7 hours, dear. Didn't mean to ruin your life.

Welcome to my marriage. Ugh. Some days are better than others though. I just have nobody IRL to vent to. Probably shouldn't anyways, marriage is supposed to be private I I blog this for the world.

I just want to get past this next weekend. Past the days that were the pinnacle of suffering in my life. For some reason, I believe that if I can make it past that infamous (to me) date, everything will be okay.

Friday, March 18, 2011

10w5d-ish - I Went To The OB Yesterday

...because I couldn't wait for next week's regularly scheduled appointment. It'd been 2 weeks since our last ultrasound and I couldn't take it anymore. Besides, Dr. B told me it was fine to come in every couple of weeks but I'd have to tell the nurse I was bleeding. Which I haven't so far, so knock on some wood for me. I sure am.

All was going according to plan when I made that call on Wednesday until I found out Dr. B isn't in all week. Only Dr. M could see me on Thursday. Dr. M - I fired her in November 2009 and switched to Dr. B. Awkward.

So DH and I went to the 1:30 pm u/s appt yesterday and I was a little nervous, he wasn't. As soon as that dildo-cam slid in I saw how big the sac was and how HUGE the baby had gotten! Holy crap! I immediately looked for that little flutter for a heartbeat. Ann, the other u/s who we normally have, was also in the room and though she was on the phone she saw the heartbeat just when I did and she put her thumbs up and smiled at me. I asked DH if he saw it, the heartbeat. He was sitting kind of behind me and I never looked at him (I didn't want to miss a thing on the screen) and said no but he doesn't know what to look for. Silly man.

The tech was great, showing us the little hands and feet and how long the umbilical cord was. We explained to her we've never made it this far so it's all new to us. After awhile of measurements, I asked if we should be able to see the baby move now. Ann said that it'd been moving before, maybe the tech should stop moving the "wand". So she put it in 3-D (or is it 4-D? I dunno) and that kid....our kid....went fricking nuts. Clearly he/she knew it was St. Patrick's day because that little jig we saw was incredible! What a spaz. Definitely my kid, that's for sure.

We got a CD again with 26 pictures this time (last time it was only 7). I'll post them at the end of all of this if you want to see.

Then we had to wait over an hour to see Dr. M and when we did it was a three and a half minute meeting. She said everything looked great, asked about the bleeding (Dr. B is the only one in on the whole bleeding thing) and I said it was the day before only and nothing since. I am the worst liar but I'm hoping she gave us a pass. Again: STUPID HMO.

And that was that. After work when DH was in the shower, as we prefer to shower at night, I snuck out my doppler and gave it a try. I know, late 10 weeks is too early. But what the heck, right? I knew everything was fine today so it didn't scare me when I couldn't find the heartbeat yet. Tilted uterus + 10+ weeks = no doppler for awhile. I did find my own hearbeat  when I put the wand on my chest and it was still calming to hear that whooshing sound, even though it was just me. I'll try again after next Friday's appointment (my official 12 week appt when I won't even be 12 weeks yet. It was their idea, not mine).

GA: 10w6d (based on egg retrieval I was 10w3d but with consistent measurements of at least 1 day ahead, my due date has been changed to 10/9/11 and I was considered 10w4d at the time of the u/s).
CRL: 3.93 cm (1.54 inches)
Heartbeat: 167 bpm
Two arms, two hands, two legs, two feet, one head. I'll never take that for granted.

I'll post a few of the 26 pictures I hope this lasts:


Thursday, March 10, 2011

9w4d - First "Routine" OB Appointment (with a nurse)

Still here, still pregnant. Still laying low and quietly keeping my fingers crossed.

I had my 9 week History & Bloodwork appointment this afternoon. The nurse called me back into a little room that literally said "Patient History" outside the door. She asked me about my medical history, pregnancies, losses, medications, etc. Pretty boring for most but I was thrilled to have actually made it to my first normal appointment this pregnancy. Of course I plan to call next Monday and tell them I'm "spotting and cramping" again so I can have my 10 week ultrasound......stupid HMO.

If it weren't for the peaking morning sickness this week I'd probably have demanded an ultrasound today. Seriously.

This pregnancy has officially beat my other pregnancies. Is it the heparin/prednisone combination? Was it the Darwin-esque manner in which I was impregnated? Who knows, right? I sure don't. But I do think the meds are helping; whether it's medically or mentally, I feel more confident because of the meds. I think that the confidence relaxes me too, which I know is good.

I realized today that food has been a major obstacle for me since about week 5 of this pregnancy because of the severe nausea and it reminds me of when DH and I were losing weight for our wedding and everything about my life was about food. Strange now that I'm desperate to eat something and gain some weight (I can't seem to gain an ounce, just losing a little at a time).

I put in my last refill for PIO yesterday (along with my 3rd Heparin refill) and I'm pretty pumped to be done with those within a month's time. DH wants to quit the first day of the 12th week, but I'd rather finish out the bottle, putting me closer to 13 weeks. Does anyone have any recommendations as to what they would do? I'm a habitual aborter who is terrified of stopping PIO shots but knows that it needs to and can happen in the 12th week.

In pet news, Bella (now 7 months old) is getting spayed and front-declawed tomorrow. I take her to a vet in the "city" that uses a laser for the surgery. It cauterizes the nerves; extremely humane compared to how normal declawing is done. They do a wonderful job with animal surgeries and our "boys" recovered seamlessly after their surgeries.

Speaking of the boys, they are marking so much now that we've decided to retrain them. They'll be kept in our big laundry room for about 5 days with all their normal amenities of food, litter and a couple of cat trees with beds and we'll clean the house up one more time to hopefully get rid of the pee scents they've left behind. Grrr. Next step, unfortunately, is medication. We've tried everything else.

And finally, in wedding news:

Bridezilla's wedding shower has been planned, booked and budgeted. Each of us five bridesmaids will contribute $160 to the cause to cover the shower at the mexican restaurant and the party bus with the amenities. Plus t-shirts. All fine by me. I will not be attending anything after the shower, i.e. the "undercover party" which I understand is dildos, and then the 40 minute party bus trip to Wisconsin where the girls will bar-hop.

I WILL be paying my portion 100% because its more important to me to contribute and not cause drama than to argue that I don't have to pay towards the bachelorette because I'm not going. Fair enough.

Guess what? One of the other bridesmaids announced she is pregnant and won't go to the bachelorette because she can't drink and it won't be fun. Thus, she's refusing to pay her portion. Drama, drama, drama. She is the groom's sister so we don't know what to do with her. I have decided to call her early next week and share that I too am not going, I'm pregnant but I'm paying so that my relationship with the bride is not tainted for the rest of my life as she is family. I will suggest that this bridesmaid (a notorious flake) antes up. I'm sure she won't but at least I will have tried. Once I have the ultrasound next Tuesday and if all is well I'll tell the bride and the rest of the bridesmaids so they're aware but I'll remind them that financially, I'm all in.

Stupid wedding. I can't wait for you to see how ugly this dress is. I tried it on last weekend and was horrified at how massive I look. No the front is cute with my suddenly bloated belly. But the back? Tank.Ass.

I'll keep ya'll posted. Pun intended.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Ultrasound #3 - You're Not Going To Believe This

It's still alive. Now we had a different ultrasound tech today so she measured it 3 days ahead instead of 1, but we're not sticking to it too much because, according to my doctor, each tech uses a different spot to do CRL measurements so it could differ between them.

CRL 2.10 cm (0.82 in)
Heartrate: 158 bpm
Measuring: 8w5d
No blood near sac, ovaries still enlarged but not an issue.


I guess I'll be able to breathe for another couple of weeks. Once (if) I can get to the point when I can listen on the doppler I bought 2 years ago I'm sure I'll relax a little. But I'm going to continue to need some reassurance ultrasounds through 12 weeks.

Inhale..................exhale..................for awhile.

By the way, we're about to reach that fourth milestone (beating the past 4 pregnancies). I don't know how to be pregnant past 9 weeks. I'll just live each day being thankful, grateful, and in awe.

PS: I wore my transfer socks to this ultrasound. And the last one too. I find them comforting, and lucky!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


I'm still here, and until proven otherwise I'm still pregnant. Note to self: if I take a Zofran at 6:30 am, drink ice cold water, then eat a bowl of cereal at 7:15 am before leaving and finally chew mint gum in the car ride to work, I will feel pretty decent and only slightly nauseous for the next hour or so.

Perhaps I'll try that again tomorrow to see if there's a pattern. However as I've felt pretty okay the past hour and a half, it worries me as the extreme nausea has been comforting to me as an affirmation of this pregnancy.

I will be calling Dr. B's office for an ultrasound tomorrow morning to check on things. I'm thinking of calling today to give them a day to squeeze me in as a courtesy (as I have to "lie" and say I'm spotting and cramping though none of that has happened thus far). Sigh.

I'm scared to go because of the possibility that something's wrong. I have had all kinds of miscarriages. Chemical. Sudden (with an SCH). Ectopic. Blighted Ovum. I haven't had a missed miscarriage yet. I'd like to avoid that but I really don't have any of control over the situation.

I have had many positive comments from ladies I follow and some that I don't (ICLW is pretty neat, I will admit), and the support has been so wonderful. I really am just trying to make it day by day.

I pulled out the ultrasound pictures from Pregnancy #2 on Sunday and examined the 7w3d and 8w3d (last u/s of the baby alive) pictures to see how big the baby was so I'm prepared for this week's look. For tomorrow's ultrasound, based on previous measurements, the baby should be 8w3d. Gotta love the irony I guess. What I have realized is that the 8w3d ultrasound was done the day before the sudden loss. Thus, on Friday March 27th, 2009 I technically lost the baby at 8w4d based on its measurements even though the doctors put me at 9 weeks. This Thursday is projected to be 8w4d.  Sunday is 9 weeks. All I can think about is making it to next Monday, March 7th. That would mean that this pregnancy beat all my other pregnancies.

After that, my goal is to make it to 12 weeks - the projected date?

Sunday, March 27th.

Why do we connect dates so much when we're trying to conceive and then miscarrying, and then pregnant again? I know I'm not the only one who's been through this. But honestly - that date, March 27th. It was the absolute worst day of my entire life. Nothing has come close. And I hope more than anything that this year on that date, I reach 12 weeks of pregnancy.

I Can't Control Everything | Desenvolvido por EMPORIUM DIGITAL