5w6d - 25.5 hours to go

So I woke up at midnight because my cockatiel (had him for 15 years, long story) was freaking out in his cage. I got up, took him out and went to the bathroom. Then I got this bad cramp, like AF cramps. I've been having them but this one lasted about 5 minutes, at least. I got worried. I went back to the bathroom (I put the bird back to bed at this point) and figured (sorry TMI) that I just had to go #2. No dice. The cramping went away after about 10 minutes and I had no spotting or anything. But it reaffirmed to me that I can't get too attached to this thing yet b/c if I lose this one, I'll really lose it.

Everything is either going to continue on track tomorrow or this thing will derail. I'm not ready for bad news. My in-laws and mom keep telling me that everything will be fine and that the u/s will go well and that I should be positive. They have no idea what we're going through. How can I possibly expect that all will be fine after three losses? I don't trust my own body anymore. I wipe and inspect toilet paper like a CSI. I look for every possible change in symptoms or lack thereof. They are hopeful, I am realistic.

I think I'm too attached this time though. Not necessarily to the baby even, but to my child. The one I should have had by now, the lifetime I should spend with my baby. It's the "life" we grieve when we lose a baby, the dream of what could have, should have been. I'm not ready to give up on that dream yet.

TV report:

(SPOILER ALERT)


*Glee was awesome last night - much better episode than last week.  I'm bummed about Jesse James (Jonathan Groff) breaking up with Rachel though. I hope he comes back - I love his voice and he's such a cutie even though he's g.ay. "Physical" was way too funny! Did Molly Shannon's guest appearance seem like a flash in the pan? They could have done so much more with her...

*American Idol. Hmmm. Looks like Crystal is not so modest anymore, constantly arguing with the judges now that they don't "love" her performances anymore. Lee will hopefully win - then things will work out best for both him and Crystal. I can't stand Casey or Mike and Aaron's cannon fodder. I wonder what next week's theme will be? Could it get much worse?