Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Who Isn't Pregnant?

Seriously, I'd like to know. Just found out that a friend of ours is "oops" pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. Another friend got "oops" pregnant last fall. Unreal. Oh and DH's cousin's wife was quickly knocked up over Christmas...they made the announcement 6 weeks along. A bit soon but whatever.

I know it's not a contest. But I'm the most competetive person ever. EVER. I will beat anyone at being competitive. It's not the most attractive personality trait. But can't you understand that spent most of 2008 planning on being pregnant, filling our nursery, picking out daycare, telling the family, taking birthing suite tours...

This has been so hard. Now the local hospital (where I'd have our baby) is pushing their baby commercials in overtime. I see them on tv and hear them on the radio constantly. 3x a day I swear! I'm getting near tears anymore when thinking about this because I'm so scared we'll never be able to have children. It is a basic human function, something we're genetically programmed for and we have been simply unable to do that job! It's an emplty feeling, one that is resonated in my mom's face each time I tell her AF came, or that the outlook of us conceiving naturally are very slim.

It's started going deeper too. I subconciously must be pushing DH away because I'm not really interested in being intimate as often as I used to. It's unfair to him and to me, I used to enjoy it, often. But now that I know that bd-ing is only for pleasure and won't work for making babies, it's so difficult to do it. I'm sure I'll need time (and maybe therapy, who knows???) but I feel like I'm failing as a wife and a best friend because it's as if everything changed when we got the MFI diagnosis.

Some days are better than others. Today, I am counting down the handful of days till AF arrives so I can call and get my Clomid perscription. DH is faithfully taking his fertility blend from GNC and we figure by this time next week, I'll be taking the meds. Oh, DH failed his important work exam three times. That means he can't take it for 6 months but his workload will be less though is pay won't change. I think he'll improve (and his count too) since the stress of studying for three months straight is done now.

I'll keep working on my issues. Hopefully once the next cycle starts, I can start getting excited again. Until then, I'll keep living...and crossing days off my calendar.


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