Smack in the face

i knew the betas sucked. i convinced myself that i was at the low end of normal but i knew. it was ectopic. ruptured day after thanksgiving. took four hours of pain quickly intensifying to get me to announce (in choked tears) that something was "wrong" and that we needed to see a doctor immediately. went to local (small town) ER. they were confused, couldn't give me pain meds. sent me to "big city" ER. they didn't get the memo from local ER so there was some confusion at first but soon i got pain meds, lovely, then an u/s which confirmed no sac, nothing in uterus. lots of free-flowing blood though. my favorite doc was on call, told me i had ectopic. apparently beta was around 450 or so. that monday it'd been 131. if my dang doctor had just ran one more frigging beta she would have seen the problem. anyways, i went in for emergency laproscopic surgery. they saved my tube. stayed overnight at hospital. dh took amazing care of me for the past week. i'm back at work today, still quite sore. refused to have the rest of the stitches out after first one hurt like a bi*ch.

but i'm not depressed and hiding this time. dh's count is nearly normal now. the motility is grade 4. i just know that we'll get pregnant again. he has to have ACL surgery soon so we only have a couple of months to try. we'll do it on our own this month and once i get af, i'll call my new doctor, the one from the hospital (same department, just a different doc) and i'll start a clomid/iui cycle again. We'll go for IUI #4. i feel good about it. even if it doesn't work, we'll keep trying.

now SIL and BIL are trying. in a sick way i still dont want to be 2nd to them. my little/only brother had a kid before me and if SIL (younger) has one too i'll be pissed. i'm terrible. but i'm not depressed anymore.