Welcome back?

so. it's been at least 8 months. you won't be able to guess why...yeah. we lost everything.
long story short - started spotting at 7 1/2 weeks, got u/s, everything was fine but there was blood near the sac. Bedrest for 4 days. spotting exactly a week after it started, then bleeding. went in for another u/s. baby normal, heartbeat good, blood problem gone. thought everything would be fine. then the next morning - bam! heavy bleeding, worst cramping i've ever experienced, lost the baby in the ER. saw it, was quite traumatic. had u/s to show clear uterus, horrible experience. then the next day, had the same thing happen all over again due to incomplete abortion. went to ER in my town and got medication to make everything flush out properly.

i've been in some kind of depressive social coma since then. the only reason i'm back is b/c i'm pregnant again. dh went on clomid and his count and motility basically tripled. we did three iuis and this third one worked i guess. low betas to start with: 13dpiui: 10; 15 dpiui: 33; 17 dpiui: 56; 19dpiui: 131.

B/c i got Beta #4's results this morning and they were good, i decided to post this. not sure if i'll keep things up. i'm sure nobody is following this blog.

if you are actually following this and you know me - please don't tell anyone. you can talk to me directly but please keep this a secret.

odds are nobody is following this. most people ask to be kept in prayers, etc. screw that. a lot has changed for me this year and i decided that the whole god thing is b.s.

if it's going to happen, it will. if there are problems, make it happen. if it can't happen, then it won't.

so...first u/s is next monday the 30th. i'm getting the flu and the h1n1 shot tomorrow per doctor's orders. we'll see how this progresses.

but i think i'm healing a little. even if this one bombs, dh's count is so good i feel confident we can do this on our own.

ironically, our initial ivf appt is next monday at the same time as the u/s. i will most likely cancel the ivf appt tomorrow.