5 Weeks!!!

I can't believe it! It's five weeks already! Yeah right, every day has taken forever to be over with. I just want to have the u/s and see the baby!

Boobs hurt and I feel sick when I get even a little hungry. I pee all the time which is also probably because I drink crazy amounts of liquids due to this cold I'm still fighting. I went to the doctor yesterday for what I figured was a sinus infection. Lo and behold, it is just that. I got ammoxicillin for the next 10 days. Dh was worried so he made me call my ob to make sure it was okay to take it. She said yes it was fine. Lol. Also I get crampy once in a while, for about a minute; they're mild to moderate and feel different than AF cramps. I asked the ob nurse about that too and she said since this is my first child that my uterus hasn't been stretched like this before so of course it'll get crampy. The different feeling is it expanding, not being pushed in like during AF.

I still need to tell how we announced it to our parents, but we're telling his immediate family tonight and mine next Saturday, so I'll post everything soon enough. But in case anyone was actually following this blog, I wanted to make sure they knew that I'm still pregnant!!!

Oh Yeah

Progesterone at 24.5. Got the call yesterday morning that I won't need progesterone supplements/suppositories. The U/s is scheduled, and I told the nurse I don't want to set up all the prenatal stuff till I see the baby on screen. They understand...

I'm cautiously optimistic!

Still Pregnant

I have held my breath since Friday, hoping that this preganancy didn't circle the drain like the last (and only) one did. Nothing yet! Some crampy/pulling feeling randomly but thats it. My boobs hurt on and off and my back has started hurting. Also I can't seem to sleep past 3am. lol. This is nuts! Speaking of nuts, I went to the dollar tree last night and bought 9 pregnancy tests. I thought I had ten...lol.
I took one as soon as I got home. Yep, a nice medium-dark line pretty quickly. I have 2 $6.00 digitals left and I want to save them for either making the announcement or if I have a scare.

DH is getting more and more excited. Every morning when I wake up, I look right at him, smile, and say, "Still pregnant!". He just smiles and closes his eyes. Today he's emailed me and said he's surprised at how excited he is and how this will be a long nine months. He has no idea. It's 14 days till our first ultrasound and that feels like a million years away! It's like my birthday every day, like Christmas, like our wedding day...I love being pregnant! Bring on the morning sickness and the cankles! I want it all!

I've wanted this for so long, longer than the 16 months it took to get pregnant. I saw a beautiful sunrise this morning on the way to work, prettier than any I can remember seeing in my 26 years. All I could do was thank God. Usually, when I lose hope, He seems to pick me back up. He also helps me to appreciate what I have and to learn tough lessons when I need them.

Maybe that was the reason for last year's chemical pregnancy. I got the BFP on Tuesday (4w 4d) and started spotting at midnight and officially miscarried on Wednesday (4w 5d).

Today is 4w 4d. I have to make it past tomorrow. That will be HUGE!!!!! The first milestone was the BFP on our own. The second was making it past the first night. The third will be making it past 4w 5d. ;) I think (and pray) we can do it.

Due date 10/30/09. Let's do it, shall we pumpkin?

Shock Of A Lifetime

I. Am. Pregnant.

BFP on Friday. Went to ob/gyn immediately for a pee test there and a progesterone blood test. Pee test waaaay positive but no progesterone results in till Monday.

WTF????

How did this happen? I've also got a nasty head cold and a probable sinus infection. No meds for me...

I will tell the story later on how I told DH and our parents...but this is nuts and I thank God every time I wipe and see nothing on the tp (TMI, sorry but I've lost one in the middle of the night and I don't want it to happen again). Ultrasound is on 3/10!

Who Isn't Pregnant?

Seriously, I'd like to know. Just found out that a friend of ours is "oops" pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. Another friend got "oops" pregnant last fall. Unreal. Oh and DH's cousin's wife was quickly knocked up over Christmas...they made the announcement 6 weeks along. A bit soon but whatever.

I know it's not a contest. But I'm the most competetive person ever. EVER. I will beat anyone at being competitive. It's not the most attractive personality trait. But can't you understand that spent most of 2008 planning on being pregnant, filling our nursery, picking out daycare, telling the family, taking birthing suite tours...

This has been so hard. Now the local hospital (where I'd have our baby) is pushing their baby commercials in overtime. I see them on tv and hear them on the radio constantly. 3x a day I swear! I'm getting near tears anymore when thinking about this because I'm so scared we'll never be able to have children. It is a basic human function, something we're genetically programmed for and we have been simply unable to do that job! It's an emplty feeling, one that is resonated in my mom's face each time I tell her AF came, or that the outlook of us conceiving naturally are very slim.

It's started going deeper too. I subconciously must be pushing DH away because I'm not really interested in being intimate as often as I used to. It's unfair to him and to me, I used to enjoy it, often. But now that I know that bd-ing is only for pleasure and won't work for making babies, it's so difficult to do it. I'm sure I'll need time (and maybe therapy, who knows???) but I feel like I'm failing as a wife and a best friend because it's as if everything changed when we got the MFI diagnosis.

Some days are better than others. Today, I am counting down the handful of days till AF arrives so I can call and get my Clomid perscription. DH is faithfully taking his fertility blend from GNC and we figure by this time next week, I'll be taking the meds. Oh, DH failed his important work exam three times. That means he can't take it for 6 months but his workload will be less though is pay won't change. I think he'll improve (and his count too) since the stress of studying for three months straight is done now.

I'll keep working on my issues. Hopefully once the next cycle starts, I can start getting excited again. Until then, I'll keep living...and crossing days off my calendar.

Moving Forward

I thought the template for this blog was a bit dark, with the black background, etc. So I changed it today to this new peaceful, beachy template. It gives me hope, and I feel better about most things these days.

I kind of had a brain fart on the opks over the weekend. Yes, we're taking one more natural/at-home shot at this before Clomid/IUI#1 next cycle. The opks I got online, like all the others, are smaller, skinnier, etc. So I misread a negative for a positive. Good thing I took one each day b/c Saturday's got really, really dark in the afternoon. So we tried on Sunday too. Unfortunately there was only one Preseed applicator left and we used it on Friday. I figure it'll help DH's already struggling little guys...it worked for the one time I got pregnant...so maybe our 2 big efforts over the weekend worked. I doubt it, but I'll probably get all excited once my cycle heads past the 28 day mark like it has for the past few months. 28-days till November. Then it was 32 days. Then 26 days in December. Then 32 days again in January. What the deuce, right?

I just keep ovulating later and my LP is so screwy now. Glad I'm going on the Clomid. Hopefully if the red headed sl*t comes around, she's here around the 20th or 21st instead of the 22nd or 23rd. Only because the IUI would fall on a Monday or Tuesday and I don't have those days off. I hate the thought of using a sick day on it and I'd rather go home and relax all day to allow the swimmers to do their jobs.

I am taking a work test on March 11th though so I could use the day to study at home, etc. Whew! I'm quite the planner huh? This kid will have to get used to it, even though he/she hasn't exactly followed our "plan" for the past 16 months.

So I came up with a great idea for telling DH that I'm knocked up. See, he's not drinking anymore. Yeah. No booze. You don't understand how big of a sacrifice this is for him. He had a sip of his dad's beer last Saturday and looked like a 16 year old when I looked at him. It was funny.

But my idea is as follows, though not in concrete yet: I get him a six pack of his favorite beer and wrap it. Then I include the BFP test and present it to him accordingly. The BFP can't be faint either. It's gotta be pretty obvious. Then I can have a fresh digital one waiting for him to make me prove it. Since I lost our only pregnancy a day and a half after that BFP, he may make me continue to pee on sticks till the ultrasound. I don't mind. I'll enjoy every single positive test I take and cherish it. I'd kiss each one but we all know that there will be pee on it so...if I do I'll keep it to myself. :)

Ironically though, it'll be a year to the day on March 19th when I miscarried. This year I will hopefully get my BFP within a week of that anniversary. My next AF would be due around March 20th -23rd. So I shuld know by then. What a great way to get through such a difficult time.

I Took A Self-Imposed Time-Out

I see, based on all the comments left for me, that I have a huge following (that's a little sarcasm there)...so I figure I'll update you "all" on what's been going on.

I've been moping and feeling sorry for myself lately, mainly because of the frustration of this whole testing process, and also irritated that we have to take this cycle off basically to gear up for next month's start of treatment.

Overall? DH's counts are too low to get me pregnant. Not only are they low but also confused and lazy, and misshapen. For the most part. However they're not too low that the doc doesn't feel confident about Clomid/IUI for 3 cycles.

Thus we're counting the days till AF comes (expected 2/20/09) so that I can get the Clomid and get started...I had my ultrasound (normal and awesome) last Wednesday and my HSG on Friday.

I'm not in the mood to post about it today, but the HSG was the WORST PAIN I'VE EVER FELT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. 'Nuff said there. My right (or left I don't remember I was dizzy with pain) tube was probably blocked so the doc had to push more contrast through. Now that they both look clear and my uterus is 100% normal (I asked if it was mis-shapen or tilted or anything), the doc is ready for us to begin treatment.

DH and I agreed, with the doc, that we would try 3 months of Clomid/IUI and if they didn't work, we'd find out if Dh has a varicocele. If he does he'll get it fixed. DH is also on GNC's Fertility Blend vitamin supplements so hopefully they help. He started them 2 weeks ago and they take about 3 months to take effect so it may not be seen till the IUI #3...even then, third time's a charm, right?

We told our parents about all of this on Friday and Saturday. My mom knew everything, but my dad didn't know much. I kept it low-key with my folks. With DH's parents, they had no idea we were having problems. His mom, bless her heart, gave some advice but didn't understand how much we've been through with testing and how much I know about TTC and infertility.

Then they said it took them 2 years to get pregnant with Dh's younger sister, and they went for a workup at the doctor to find out what was going on; antibiotics administered and boom. Pregnant.

I explained it's not like that, and it was hard to tell them that their son has a low sperm count. His dad said he thinks his count might have been low too, but he can't remember. It's easier if Dh can blame this on genetics.

In the meantime I'm apparently helping my brother's fiancee plan their wedding in 2 months. They had an "oops" baby, my first nephew, back in December. She got pregnant 2 weeks after I had my miscarriage. I harbor a bit of resentment for my brother in general so I'm working to get through this...wish me luck.