Friday, September 6, 2013

Rock Bottom

Thank you to anyone who commented and is sending supportive thoughts my way. I really have no one but my parents to talk to right now and I do feel blessed to have any support.

We went to counseling on Tuesday evening. The counselor diagnosed DH as a sex addict. I've told him for years I suspected he had a problem but until he started admitting things in that painful hour session, I had no idea how bad off/sick he is.

I had to get him to take steps to rid the house of his porn collection, I canceled Cinemax and HBO. I took the laptop. I asked for his phone.

Wait, you ask, wtf is he doing in your house still? Why are you doing all the work and not him?

1. I'm pregnant and need help with the house.
2. We need another counseling session to work out living arrangements.
3. My kids.

See, right now, if he doesn't hit rock bottom, he won't fully commit to recovery like he says he has. Also, I refuse to allow him to continue the behavior in this house with my daughter here.

He didn't do any work because he has to be told to do everything. He has never been proactive. Also he's a sick bastard.

The future is bleak for him and my kids if he doesn't get help immediately. So my relationship with him right now is, in effect, over for now. But I'm focusing on getting help for him, for my kids' sake. If he steps out of line or slips, he's out of the house or I'll leave with Claire. That's the plan for now. I'm also separating our finances since I don't trust him and if we do split I have to be smart.

How am I? One half a wreck and he other half a momma bear protecting my cubs. The pregnancy is now wearing on me; swollen ankles, hard to walk as my hips are on fire, can't sleep, and the braxton hicks are constant it seems.

Did I mention that I got myself tested for STDs? That was both painful and humiliating but the responsible thing to to.

He says he never slept with anyone, just had a phone affair with sexting and constant texts and photos exchanged. Duh I saw that in the records.

I feel he's lying to keep me here because if he slept with anyone he knows I'll divorce him for sure.

He went to a sex addicts anonymous meeting last night and plans on going two days a week in addition to intensive therapy and marriage counseling. I guess we'll see.

This is not how I wanted to spend the last six or so weeks of pregnancy. The nursery isn't even done. Goddammit.

I'm so angry for me and my baby girls. We don't deserve any of this.

Thanks again for the support. Each comment felt like a hug, honestly.


Sarah said...

xoxoxox We are here for you to listen and offer a (virtual) shoulder to lean on! Still can't believe it. You do not deserve any of this crap. What a good Momma you are protecting your cubs. They are all that matter xo

Amanda said...

Talk about bearing the weight of the world on your shoulders. Please make sure you are taking care of yourself, too. How totally, effing unreal.

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

Oh girl. First and foremost take care of you. Now is the time to be completely selfish. Taking care of you and that precious little bundle who will arrive soon is #1. Hang in and let us know how we can help.

I'm so so so sorry that you have to go through this. Constant hugs and prayers your way.

Anonymous said...

Hello I just stumbled upon your blog and say I am so sorry and I can relate. Found out my husband cheated when our twin girls were 10 moths old. After 13 yrs together married for 6.. 10 iui's and 3 ivfs. It was like a kick in the face. I chose to stay for the babies sake. We did go to counseling. Trust will never be 100% and I still check his phone and emails as well. Your not alone keep your head up and good luck.

Flmgodog said...

I don't even know what to say. I have been trying to come up with something encouraging or understanding since I read your last post but crap...
Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and lots of people wishing you only the best. Good for you for protecting yourself and doing what you need to do to keep yourself and the girls safe.

Still A Guest Room said...

There's nothing good to say, but I am thinking of you and sending love to you and your two sweet little ones.

Trish said...

Hi, I've been following your story awhile but I don't know if I have ever commented. Sorry. Although what I am truly sorry about is what you are going through. Unreal! Sending lots of positive thoughts your way. Stay strong, you deserve better than this but I understand you are doing it for your babies. Take care.

Anonymous said...

I've followed your story for a long time but have never commented. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm sending you a lot of hugs and am praying for you and the girls.

mom7 said...

Christa: Thinking of you and know you are in my thoughts. You will get through this, for yourself and for the kids. So sorry you are having to deal with so much stress at this time. Stay strong. We are here for you.

Hillary said...

I have been following your blog for a while now and just never left a comment before (I'm super sorry about that :/). I'm just sickened at hearing what all you're dealing with. Although I don't know you personally, you strike me as a very strong individual. I know that that strength is what will pull you and your daughters through this shit storm your POS husband has brought to your front door. Many prayers for guidance, answers, peace, and perseverance.


Kasey said...

Just a lurker here, wanting to let you know I'm thinking about you and hoping that you are finding some peace as your due date approaches. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you!!! xo

Amanda said...

Thinking of you. I hope you, Claire, and your little one are doing ok.

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

Christa, there isn't an email link on your profile but I wanted you to know that I've been thinking of you and your little family this month. hope you are hanging in there. Warm thoughts continue to come your way.

J Thompson

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you, hope all is okay

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