Thursday, February 24, 2011

7w?d, 4d? I Dunno.

1. Thank you to all the ICLW visitors. I have been pushing myself to do this and I can't for the life of me figure out why blogging is suddenly the most scary thing in the world to me.

2. I'm scared to blog. I'm scared to comment and check other blogs. I've passed 3 out of 4 milestones (passed 3 out of 4 previous pregnancies) and the closer I get to #4 milestone (or if you'll remember, pregnancy #2) all I can do is remember when the "bad" stuff started and how it all went downhill from there. I was eating peaches 'n cream instant oatmeal this morning and I remembered I was eating that the morning I lost #2 at 9 weeks. I mostly remembered throwing it up in the ER. Tomorrow, based on the fetal pole measurement last Friday, I will be 7w5d. That was when the spotting started for pregnancy #2. Listen, I'm not trying to "hijack" this pregnancy. I don't want to doom it. I would like a goddam kid out of this for once. I am sick all the time and the Zofran has me so dang constipated that my insides are playing out every fight scene from every action movie I've ever seen. (I'm not complaining, please believe me.)

I have been quietly checking on everybody during this time and seeing some successes and I'm so thrilled for those ladies but there are also some heartbreaking losses and I'm so incredibly sad and angry about all of it. I'm honestly half-expecting myself to be back where I started instead of this pregnancy succeeding. Why shouldn't I feel this way? I don't know anything else but failure. Sure its not my fault, but still.

I don't get weekly ultrasounds because I have an HMO, which runs the entire medical practice I go to, who is a big dick and won't cover "unnecessary" things like a weekly u/s for a "habitual aborter". My local ob/gyn told me to call his OB nurses and tell them I'm spotting/cramping (none of which has or should be happening soon) and they'll get me in for an u/s and that way the insurance will pay for it. I told him I'll likely do that every other week. Um, I want it every week please. But I guess I have to be reasonable.

As for the prenatal care, that's the HMO again. Sure they cover it, but I have a huge deductible and the insurance calendar year is school-year based because DH works for a University. Thus, the deductible starts over in June. The medical provider wants payment for all doctors fees, exams, etc prior to the baby's birth. Thus they want me to start a payment plan for all this crap. Like I told 'em: I want to get out of the first trimester first please. And screw your payment plan which is as big as my student loan payment; I'll pay the invoice in full each month. Dicks.

Overall I refuse to get ahead of myself. Sure I g.oogle stuff every day like "embryo size 7w3d" or "belly pics 16 weeks" so I can get an idea of how big I might be for my step-sister's wedding if this baby sticks around that long.

I'm just too scared. Thankful but scared.

3. I'm dreading my step-sister's wedding. I'm sure she only asked me to be a bridesmaid because she was one for our wedding. She's forcing us to wear these ugly dresses and horrible matching shoes - because her wedding wouldn't be "perfect" if all the bridesmaids weren't wearing 2+ inch heels with a narrow front and open toes with teal nail polish on our toes (also required) and huge fake flowers in our hair. She's a freakin' bridezilla, I tell ya. I'm hoping she kicks me out of the wedding because our close friend is getting married on 4/2/11 and my step-sister just decided last weekend she wants her shower and bachelorette party to be on 4/2/11. Guess who's bachelorette party I'm skipping? Yeah I don't wanna go anyways. The bridesmaids are bitches. I hate the maid-of-honor, and I don't even like any of my step-sisters anymore. Stupid 4/23/11 wedding on Easter weekend. I don't wanna go. Did I mention I had to force her to write down her shower and bachelorette guest list last Saturday so we could then actually book a place for her shower and know how big of a bus to rent for the party? Yes she is demanding a bus. With coolers of beer in it. Demanding.

4. My belly is really bloated and buttoning/zipping my pants at work has become "optional". I'm glad I have an office with a door. I think the bloating is due to the following: heparin shot bruising = pain, constipation, gas, baby (?), laziness of sucking in my gut. It's all theory.

That is all.

For now.

I'll keep updating.

I promise.


Bridget said...

I feel your pain girl. I keep wondering if something bad is going to happen. Oh how I wish we could have just had naïve pregnancies. (my sister taught me that term and I like it)

LisaB said...

I am praying for you! I know it must be scary! Do whatever you need to do to make it through! I'll be keeping you close in my thoughts. Hugs!

Sarah said...

I am cracking up at the bridezilla pictures! LOVE it!

Sorry for the stupid HMO stress, but honestly it sounds even more to me like it is your jack ass doctor. I would switch if possible (but understand if it isn't because not everyone takes HMO) still, I worked at an Ultrasound clinic for a year and we ALWAYS could get ultrasounds approved for people who had a history of miscarriage. He is just being lazy and doesn't want to get the pre-approval.

Tia said...


Thanks for stopping by my blog! I'm sorry you've been so sick, but I hope it's a good sign and this pregnancy is a nice healthy one. I'm praying for you.

In response to your question, I'm in Burlington so I was receiving all of my care up to this point at UIHC. I liked the RE side of things, until they started pushing IVF and not giving me any other options. It's frickin' expensive there! My insurance doesn't cover it, so we would have had one shot with a single embryo transfer...didn't like those odds given my history of losses. Also, I wasn't too thrilled with the OB care there (felt like I was just another name on the list at each appointment) and only saw my nurse once out of four appointments! In the end, they tried everything possible, but I kind of feel like something was missed and could have been done before things got to point they did.

Now, I'm going to a RE in Illinois. I had a good first impression after he sat down and went over my history, performed another ultrasound, and explained things very well. Plus, they believe that IVF should be a last resort and that we could try another combination of medications with timed intercourse (completely covered by my insurance!). If I get pregnant again, I'll probably look into seeing an OB in Illinois as well. I'll be considered high risk so unfortunately, I can't go to the local OBs that I work with. The hospital in Illinois is about the same distance as UIHC, so no reason to not give it a chance.

Still A Guest Room said...

I'm sure you're nervous as you approach this last milestone, but I am thinking positive thoughts for you!

Jen said...

I'm so glad you checked in today. I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are holding up. It's wonderful that you've made it past three of your milestones. I tagged you the other day for one of those silly 20 questions things. I thought it might give you something fun and mindless to post about to take your mind off things. But feel no pressure at all.

Maria Joy said...

I would want an ultrasound every week too! I think you are keeping it together perfectly. I also understand about the blogging. I actually stopped talking about any treatments we're doing, because I thought maybe that was jinxing them. Just found out my IUI failed today...I'm done with those for good now, but just had to do "one" more.

I do want to start talking with you about the clinic you used in St. Louis. Mostly, about their costs and the timeline from consult to ER? Do they do phone consults?

MyTwoLines said...

That Bridezilla picture has scarred me for life. Seriously.

Keep on putting one foot in front of the's all you can do. Hoping for nothing but the best and some fearless joy for you!!

Kaitake said...

I love the term naive pregnancy that Bridget mentioned above :) wouldn't THAT be nice! Well done for getting past the first 3 of your milestones, an amazing achievement! I will keep you in my thoughts, hoping you make it all the way to holding your healthy baby in your arms :)

Sushigirl said...

I don't want to come across as too much of a smug Brit, but I'm amazed you don't get prenatal care covered by the state, or that it at least should be tightly regulated so your company HAS to pay for your scans.

Loved your bridezilla pics - I aimgine hen parties when your pg must be a bit pants anyhow.

PFM said...

Your pictures are too funny! congratulations to you. I understand your trepidation. I wish you the best.

Jessica said...

Sweetie I am sooo happy for you. I'll be praying things continue to go well. Keep me posted. (To answer your question from my blog: I graduated with Dr. S at 8 weeks but i'm about to shoot him an email and tell him the news!)

AP said...

Hello and Happy ICLW! I love finding stories like yours. I've never made it to the first one (actually being pregnant), but I can imagine how scary it is to have those milestones to get by. Thinking of you as you make your way to the 4th one!

Misty said...

Hi from ICLW. It's very hard to stay positive when you've suffered losses. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Good luck and I hope this is it for you.

Kat said...

Belated ICLW visit (I'm running late this week) First, thanks for visiting my blog. Second, I'm thinking of you and your pregnancy and hoping for the best. I know it's difficult with so much history, but every pregnancy is different. Third, I'm really sorry your step-sis is such a pain in the *ss. Perhaps you could just be really rubbish at being a bridesmaid and she might dump you before the wedding!

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