20 + 21 Week Updates

I'm not going to lament over how long its been since I posted. I will explain that work has stopped allowing us to go on the 'net for anything remotely personal outside of lunch hours or before/after work. I've typically blogged during work hours so that sucked. Also I was in trial during my 20th week so that was shot and this week was crazy at work.

I'm sorry.

So here goes:

Week 20, cliff's notes:
Things I remember were wearing my business suits (not maternity) and having to wear them unzipped/buttoned and tucked in strangely while my long tops covered up the mess. It also wasn't comfortable while sitting down. Lots of kicking all week and I saw my stomach move when kicked/punched. One night I went to sleep at 6:30 pm and woke up at 6 the next morning. That was during the week. Food was consistently a problem for me because I find most food gross and I'm forcing myself to eat as healthy as possible.

We had our 20-week anatomy scan. We found out what we are having. Here's how it all went down (I guess it's not cliff's notes now):

I took a green piece of paper and folded it into a little card and it had a pink & blue question mark on the front. Inside it asked the u/s tech to write down the gender of the baby. We brought it to the scan and I was so nervous and excited...we had our favorite u/s tech, Ann, who's been doing 99% of my ultrasounds since January 2009. Everything looked fantastic. Normal. Boring. Perfect. That sucker was moving so much too. Yawned at one point. Everyone went, "Awwww".  Its head was on my right side with feet down on my left near my cervix. It explained the kicking (and punching) locations. Still measuring ahead, now by five days. So crazy. We asked Ann to get a picture of the "money shot" and write down the gender only if it was pretty obvious what the baby was. She said that ultrasounds can be wrong but after 20 years she was quite sure what we were having. She checked twice and took the picture while we just looked away from the screen, smiling at each other.

Anyone still wondering what it is? We left the appointment 100% sure it was a boy for so many reasons. But the envelope was still in our hands, sealed.

DH and I drove to the spot where he proposed, also near our first kiss location (stupid city expansion turned a cul-de-sac into a main road) and we went to a pavillion and sat down on a picnic bench. After much anticipation, excitement and smiles, we took out the make-shift mystery card and each grabbed a side of the card. Counted to three and opened it.....

















GIRL!!!!!!





I was shocked! I couldn't believe it!!! We went to our favorite mexican restaurant and I sat there, dumbfounded for the entire meal. Pretty much repeating, "I can't believe it. A girl. Wow."



So that's what we're cooking!

We had our gender reveal bbq on Sunday 5/29. We ordered a cake that was marble but with white and strawberry instead of the typical white and chocolate. The had a question mark and Baby O________ underneath with blue and pink balloons decorated on it.

After eating we had our moms cut a piece while I held the plate so they could scoot it on to it so everyone could see the color of the cake's inside. They all screamed because they too thought it was a boy. Everyone was very happy for us though and very excited for a girl.

Week 20 Belly Pic:

Won't post because blogger is a piece of shit. I will keep trying.



And here's this week's update because tomorrow I'll be 22 weeks, so just in the nick of time:

How Far Along? 21 weeks 6 days



Maternity Clothes? As much as possible. I bought a maternity bathing suit this week. Niiiice. No skirt though, I just couldn't do it. I got the shorts and a top and I love it! The top expands a lot so it should last all summer.


Weight Gain?  I was up 2+ pounds at my 20 week appointment and its holding steady. I might even be up 3 lbs total now.


Stretch Marks? Not yet. I make DH check too because I can't see under my belly anymore.


Belly Button In or Out? Very quickly flattening. Prediction still stands that it'll be an outie by the start of the 3rd Trimester.


Sleep?  I've noticed my hips have begun to hurt at night. That's new in the last week or so. DH and I switched sides of the bed so I could be closer to the bathroom so that's helped. Otherwise sleep has been the same. I will add that I vivid dreams and even more embarassing, I have some pretty erotic dreams. Apparently I want to have sex with B.ruce Wil.lis? That was out of left field.



Best Moment of the Week?  Every moment was the best, seriously. I just love this little girl with all my heart and I can't wait to meet her. We did buy the nursery set though, complete with crib, dresser and changing table. I wish I could talk to non-pregnant Christa and give her a hug, tell her that one day she would be feeling her little girl kick her and buying that longed-for nursery set.



Movement?  Plenty, and this week, kicking on my right side began. It could be punching, I don't know. Also there isn't really a pattern yet as to when she begins to move during the day but when she does I love it. Even at 4 in the morning. I smile and put my hand on my belly to feel her.


Food Cravings? Banana splits, watermelon, sweet corn on the cob, icees. I ate whopper jrs with cheese for about a week or so. I think I'm done now.


Gender? Girl. I'm still in awe. DH is eagerly anticpating the arrival of his "baby girl" as he keeps calling her. Oh and he wants a super pink nursery. I've talked him out of it and we are now looking at a purple theme.

What I Miss?  Well when I was buying beer for our vacation this weekend, I was looking at all the fruity mixer options at the liquor store and thinking how good they'd be. But only for a split-second. Then I put my hand on my belly and smiled because of all the wonderful reasons I hardly drank any alcohol over the past 3+ years. Her. I stopped drinking for her. All those things I can't/won't do anymore are reminders of how I got to this wonderful place.


Symptoms: Heartburn, excessive peeing, picky eating, sensitive to smells (ugh, fish yesterday at the grocery store. Why have salmon samples!?!)

What I'm looking forward to?  Are you kidding!?!  That nursery is getting set up soon, my step-sister (bridezilla, can you believe it?) told me yesterday that she and the other sisters are throwing me a baby shower. What? For me? Okay I'm choking up now.


Weekly Wisdom:  Dressers for nurseries/kids come with safety features. If you try to buy just a dresser separately, they typically have removable drawers. Those are not safe for babies and little kids. I'm glad I did so much research instead of jumping the gun and buying everything separate without reading into it a little more. We saved a lot by buying the entire nursery set together.


Milestones: I'm in the middle of my fifth month, and we're only 2 weeks away from V-Day!!!! It will also double as Father's Day too. We're getting another cake and celebrating. I might even have some s-e-x then.


Emotions:  I feel overly emotional and have snappy mood swings. DH gets the brunt of it. Other than feeling like everyone else around me is a bunch of idiots/morons (thanks hormones), I'm elated most of the time just knowing I'm having a little girl in a few months.



Week 21 belly pic:

Also won't post because blogger is a piece of shit. I'm glad I at least was able to draft this. If it doesn't post I'm gonna freak.

19w3d

Life is rolling along. Slowly in my opinion but I've always felt that way when I'm looking forward to something. This weekend we'll be updating our landscaping and possibly fishing or golfing (I'll just ride along and perhaps chip and putt; I need to get outside), next weekend is Memorial Day weekend and our "gend.er party", so I have a lot to look forward to. Did I mention that my 20-week anatomy scan is next Monday? It's pretty much Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one on an excitement scale. Except this'll be the best xmas/bday I've ever had! I haven't been this excited since the lead-up to our wedding day!

I'll fill you in on the requisite pregnancy stats (if you are up for reading them) as I still need to document what's going on so one day I can fill in my pregnancy book. I figure I'll do that when I start nesting or something.

How Far Along? 19 weeks 3 days

Maternity Clothes? Pants and 100% maternity underwear. Also I'm still wearing that nursing bra. DH calls it my "easy access" bra. He thought it was some kind of sexy lingere till I explained how it works.

Weight Gain? I think I'm officially up 1.5 lbs but we'll see if it sticks around till Monday's appointment.

Stretch Marks? Not that I can see yet.

Belly Button In or Out? It keeps getting more shallow.


Sleep? In about 1 1/2 hour increments between pees. And I keep rolling onto my back in my sleep. That makes me have to pee more so I wish it would stop. I even have a pillow against my back but it doesn't seem to matter. ***I had a dream that the baby somehow transferred to DH and he went into labor and I was hysterical that I didn't feel a connection to the baby since he was going to give birth to it and I was really upset. I told DH about the dream and all he could say was: "Well that's kind of how I feel but without the crying and screaming."  Gotta love a perspective wake-up call, right?  He said he'll feel more connected when he can feel the baby kick or see it move, etc. I'm sure the ultrasound on Monday will help though.

Best Moment of the Week? Feeling baby's kicks from the outside. I'm trying to get DH to feel it but the baby quits when I put his hand where the action was happening. I'm sure he'll feel it soon enough.

Movement?  Tons. Right now in fact. Sometimes it really tickles too so then I giggle. This morning on the way to work the baby got really active so I started talking to it, saying good morning, etc. I wonder if DH thinks I'm loony.

Food Cravings? Yeah but they change and most meals are forced down. I ate sweet corn for dinner two nights in a row last week. I'm so tired of being picky but if thats what it takes to have a baby then so be it, bring it on.

Gender? I'm getting girl vibes still, but really I don't care either way. I just can't wait to find out!


What I Miss? Eating normally.

Symptoms: Same as every week except I am enjoying the continued lack of vomiting. Gagging, however, likes to sneak up on me when I'm over hungry or when trying not to choke on (TMI) sinus drainage.


What I'm looking forward to? Finding out our baby's gender next Monday and starting to work on the nursery.


Weekly Wisdom:  People will constantly ask you, "How are you feeling?" when you're pregnant. Its as if they don't have any other questions...I've never really asked pregnant women that question other than maybe once. I just say "good" or "great" depending on the moment. If I say anything like, "happy" or "grateful" it just opens a line of questioning that I don't have the time or patience for, plus I am keeping some things private still.

Milestones: I'm officially weaned off the Prednisone; I'm not sure what that means in terms of changes in symptoms but if Dr. S feels its best to not be on it at this point then I trust him fully.

Emotions: I feel like doing more things for DH and for the past 4 1/2 months he's been taking care of me almost exclusively so its a change. Other than my mood swings, I am still, on a daily basis, grateful for every additional day I get to be a mother.

Belly Pics for 19w2d:

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

WFT Blogger?

I published a post yesterday and now its gone. I can't get updated stuff on anyone else's blog. What's happening!?!?!?!

18w4d

Here's how my last 20 minutes have gone:   poke, poke, poke......KICK!.....poke............KICK KICK!..........poke, and so on.

I'm not a big soccer fan so I'm hoping we have a punter on the way. :) I keep smiling when he/she does it and I even blurt things out like, "Okay I do know you're there!" and "Why hello! Can I help you?"  I eat constantly so he/she isn't hungry. I'm figuring complete boredom; what else is he/she going to do in there? Play jump rope with the umbilical cord?

So as you can see, we have plenty of movement/kicking and what I call poking. Pokes are light and the kicks make me jump and catch my breath because they startle me so much. DH finds it hilarious and boring all at the same time because he can't feel/see them yet. Oh he will.

Here are my updates for the week with some pictures to boot:

How Far Along? 18 weeks, 4 days

Maternity Clothes? Pants and some tops yet. I'm excited for this nice weather because I have some maternity capris I want to wear in public since I feel well enough to be somewhat social these days. I also got a new maternity shirt. You like?

Weight Gain? I was 196-ish the day of my transfer. Once pregnant I quickly dropped to 180 (morning sickness: the best diet ever....heavy sarcasm there). The past 4 months I've even dropped into the 170s. I cannot seem to get over the 180/181 lbs mark. I have a feeling I'm going to get scolded at my 20-week appt for not gaining any weight.

Stretch Marks? I think I'm starting to get some on my sides, or the old ones are getting darker? Stomach is fine yet.

Belly Button In or Out?  Still in but quickly changing, I predict an outie by the end of the 2nd trimester.

 Sleep? I caught some kind of cold (don't even get me started) so due to a sore throat Sunday night I didn't sleep and felt terrible so I took Monday off as a sick day. But I feel much better now and am only stuffed up. Other than Sunday night's suckfest, I continue to sleep in 2-hour intervals. That is because I pee 2-4 times each night. At least I'm not peeing in the bed anymore (accident free since 9 weeks!)...

Best Moment of the Week? Mother's Day.

Movement? Frequent, especially if I sit leaning forward. I think Junior hates it when I do that. Or loves it because he/she gets super-active. I'll get some kicking action about 2-3 times per day and I look forward to it so much.

Food Cravings? I feel like I'm regressing back to the super-picky stages from the first trimester. But I am eating a lot of fresh fruit and some cheeses so that's got to be good. I was eating frozen french pizzas for about a week but those are now done for good. I bought some sweet corn yesterday so I'll be eating that this weekend for sure.

Gender? Starting to lean to the girl side for some reason. We find out in 12 days!

What I Miss? Eating like a normal person.
 
Symptoms: Heartburn, tired, nausea (still), mood swings, frequent urination

What I'm looking forward to? Swimming. I can't stop thinking about getting in a pool and relaxing.


Weekly Wisdom: Don't think that morning sickness is gone forever once you feel better. It can come back when you least expect it.


Milestones: I'm being weaned off Prednisone this week so that's pretty cool!

Emotions: Specifically I nearly cry sometimes when I feel the baby being active. Or when something sad is on TV or in the paper. Otherwise I'm just so happy to still be pregnant.


Here are some pictures:

18w3d

18w4d

Jack, Milo and Bella enjoying the nice weather last weekend:

My first purchase for the baby:

I can't believe I bought this!  Also I got it on Ama.zon for less than three bucks so thats a steal...

17w3d

I've realized that since I'm not writing in my pregnancy journal (a gift from pregnancy #2) that these weekly blog posts are my journal and I can always fill in the spaces in the book. This works out just lovely, doesn't it?

How Far Along? 17 weeks, 3 days

Maternity Clothes? As much as possible. I only have 3 pairs of maternity underwear and I simply must buy more because my normal ones are binding and make me have to pee more than I already do.


Weight Gain? I think I gained a pound! I'm trying so hard to eat more but my food preferences change daily. Except for Mexican food. Can't stop craving that. No more OJ at this point. I'm really into my milk; so much so that I drink it out of the jug because I can't wait for a cup. DH has no idea. We're married....he'll get over it.


Stretch Marks? Nothing significant yet. Tattoo is holding up nicely.


Sleep? DH is snoring more and more so that's not helping. I need new earplugs. I wake up every 2 hours to pee. No complaints here on that note.


Best Moment of the Week? Confirming that this kid is indeed trying to communicate with me. We have kicking! Well, mostly taps and the occasional hard knock but it's amazing!


Movement? Yep, and the whole "fluttering" thing needs better explanation. It feels like there is literally a butterfly in my uterus and it doesn't feel soft or anything, more like its crawling around trying to get out. Not as glamorous as I'd imagined it'd be but incredible nonetheless. The kicks , while rare, tickle and make me jump and giggle. I then have a massive smile on my face. People around me think I'm insane. Oh well.


Food Cravings? Mexican food (chicken chimichangas at local restaurants, Taco Supreme at T.aco Be.ll). Slushies. Grilled cheeseburgers. Homemade potato salad. Pickles (sparingly). Virgin Bloody Mary's (mostly for the pickle that comes in it). Steak on the grill. Corn on the cob. Watermelon. Ice cream. Hate all things fast-food. Other than Tac.o Bel.l or Taco J.ohns.


Gender? Still thinking boy. DH and I are each picking out nursery themes/bedding sets online and he told me he's got some "cute ideas" for a girl's nursery and is glad we're waiting to buy them till we find out because he doesn't want to get too attached to a theme and then get bummed out. What? From the guy who's always wanted a boy?


What I Miss? A sex life. I want nothing to do with that stuff so its kind of driving a wedge between DH and me, emotionally. But we're still going quite strong. Other than that, nothing.
Symptoms: A nice bloody nose at work this morning; I'm chalking it up to the Heparin and dry air. Still feel sick when around food or smells I hate. Same stuff as last week.


What I'm looking forward to? A bigger belly, feeling consistent kicks, finding out what's cookin' in there!


Weekly Wisdom: Your husband may become just as emotional as you are. DH has teared up many times when talking about the baby, seeing babies or little toddlers, watching "Comi.ng Home" on Lifetime, etc. Even that recent Pampers commercial made him choke up!


Milestones: Feeling baby movement! Also, I stopped doing the doppler check every 2 days about a week or so ago. I'm up to every 5 days. The movement/kicking has been so reassuring but I love that whoosh-whoosh sound so much.


Emotions: Oh so many.


This week's belly pic, taken yesterday at 17w2d:



When seeing pictures like this I think I look so "huge" and I still can't fathom how much bigger I'm going to get!


Also, I'm going to start being weaned off the daily 10mg of Prednisone now so by the end of next week I'll be done with that. My next problem is continuing to find room on my belly for the Heparin shots. They're becoming more and more painful and the bruising is getting worse, making less room. How do I do these with an even bigger belly? I think I need smaller needles.

16w4d Update + Blog Awards

Has it really been 8 days since my last post? Crazy since I write posts in my head all the time, daily in fact, but I just don't have the time or access to actually write them. I wish I could dictate them.

Quick note: my step-sister's wedding was last weekend. Basically the train-wreck we all expected it would be. Best part was looking pregnant in my dress and getting to talk to family and friends about it. Worst part was that bridezilla forced us to be outside in 45 degree windy and wet weather for 2 hours to take tons of outdoor pictures as a bridal party. With no coats for our strapless knee-length dresses and heels. Bitch.

How Far Along? 16 weeks, 4 days. I'm officially 4 months down but quite a few to go.


Maternity Clothes? Maternity pants and a couple of maternity tops because they're so cute and springy. Oh and I love my maternity underwear. Must.buy.more. Got a nursing bra because there are no pregnancy bras. It's okay. The "around" is better than what I've got but I really should go get fitted for a proper bra or two.

Weight Gain? None. Dammit. Dropped 2 pounds so far this week. Trying to gain at least a pound in the next week and keep it on. I can put on weight like gangbusters when I'm not pregnant. This is nuts.

Stretch Marks? Nope. Not yet. Also following the small rose tattoo on my right lower front belly to see how that changes with the pregnancy. I'm expecting it to look hilarious by 9 months.

Sleep? Best night so far was last night. 8 hours and only 2-3 pee breaks, down from 5-6. Help please though: I now roll on my back in my sleep and if I have to pee I wake up in excruciating pain on my right side from my hip to my ribs and can't catch my breath. Once I pee it goes away after I lay back down and try to breathe slowly. I can't figure out what it is?

Best Moment of the Week? Not having to suck in my gut after a big luncheon at work yesterday. I actually quit worring about it because when I do, it doesn't make much of a visual difference and actually hurts my little "abs".

Movement? I swore I felt lots of "popcorn" on Monday night on and off for 30 minutes while laying on my side and watching TV. But I could be wrong. It was unlike anything I've ever felt before though.

Food Cravings? Still loving Mexican food. Also anything grilled. I've had about 4 steaks and 2 burgers in the last week. I really want beef. Hate fish. Hate fast food now. Yuck.

Gender? I feel its a boy, if there is such a thing as mother's intuition. Still planning on finding out next month. I suggested that DH and I find out together and then have our parents and siblings over for a party over Memorial Day Weekend to let them know the gender. DH is calling it a se.x part.y because he thinks its funny. That has to be his secret name for it though.

What I Miss? Not a damn thing. :)

Symptoms: Tired all the time so I go to bed by 9. It's glorious because I easily fall asleep. If you read my blog over the last year I was taking 2 benad.ryl each night just to sleep. Otherwise, heartburn, burps, constant peeing, minor mood swings now, more energy by far and a better appetite. I just can't seem to eat a lot of what I put on my plate. But the variety is enormous now compared to the first 14 weeks.

What I'm looking forward to? The anatomy ultrasound on 5/23/11 and starting the process of decorating the nursery and even registering for baby stuff! Also the kicking. I so want to feel the kicking.

Weekly Wisdom: Alluding to the best moment of the week - don't suck in your gut at this point of the pregnancy (or any for that matter). It doesn't feel good, so enjoy these months to not care!

Milestones: We went to my 16 week appointment on Tuesday and boy was it boring. Doppler check (nurse found the hb immediately, 150+ bpm), blood pressure check (normal), pee check (possible trace of protein but I passed with a recommendation to drink a little more water), and then the doc checked my uterus (ouch because my belly is so bruised from 2x/daily heparin shots!). He said it'll be over my belly button by my 20 week appointment. He also cleared me for golf, swimming and sex. He then reminded DH and I that if I don't feel comfortable doing any of it then I shouldn't. So no golf or sex for me. But I shall swim and love it if and when I have the opportunity!

Emotions: Daily happiness. What can I say? I'm thankful for every additional day I have to be a mother.

_________________________________________________________________________

Onto my next topic - I've been awarded!

Thanks goes to Laura from The Adventures of an Infertile Myrtle and Kaitake! I also received the Stylish Blogger Award but as I already have it from last year I won't re-pass it on. However I am completely honored for any and all awards so thanks again!

RULES:
Winners grab the image and put it in your blog. (check!)
Link back to the person who gave you it. (check!)
Tell 10 things about yourself (check! scroll down)
Award 15 recently discovered bloggers. (check! I came up with 10)
Contact the bloggers you have awarded to let them know they have won. (doing it now!)

Here are my 10 things:

1. I say I'm 5'10" but I'm always measured at 5'9"-ish. I was listed as 5'11" in high school basketball.
2. I do wear size 10 1/2 or 11 shoes in womens' sizes. Giant man-feet I tell ya.
3. I obsessively wash or sanitize my hands. That includes not touching the gas pump thingy because its gross.
4. I would rather stalk people on fac.ebook than actually post things about my life or myself.
5. I am very bossy and think people should do things my way. It's a personality flaw that I'm working on.
6. I've traveled almost 1/2 of the U.S. and quite a bit of Canada.
7. For the past 2 years I've been growing out my hair again but will likely get sick of it and chop it off to donate it to Locks of Lov.e like I did after our wedding.
8. I don't often pamper myself with salon-type things and I really wish I would or had the money to do so.
9. As a kid I didn't have tons of friends and preferred to read books all the time. I loved escaping.
10. I am a child of a twice-divorced mother and granddaughter to a thrice-divorced (and now deceased) grandmother. I'm ending the pattern of divorce. :)
Here are my awards:
Viva la Vida!
Eggs in a Basketcase
Baby Talk
Life and Love with the Bradleys
Adam and Julia
The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow (I Hope)
Park Slope Purgatory
Calmly Chaotic
hope4joy
I Want To Be A Daddy



And this week's belly pic:

15w3d And Growing (All Pregnancy Post)

How Far Along? 15 weeks 3 days (holy crap I'm almost 4 months pregnant!)

Maternity Clothes? Tops are normal though I have some super cute maternity tops now thanks to my first Wa.lmart order. All pants must be maternity. I wore my "fat pants" jeans on Sunday to lunch with my step-sisters and I looked super-gangster due to them falling down and forming a flat ass on the backside of my legs. Just terrible. At least maternity pants have elastic. I can't wear a belt, it hurts and seems pointless. On Monday, DH's aunt brought by three huge tubs of maternity clothes for me to take and I got to pick out what I wanted. Some were super-outdated but others were quite workable. Once they're washed I can wear them and I'm so excited! Also my Wal.mart order is arriving today (the last one I ordered XLs and apparently my weight loss put me in the L category now) and that makes me even MORE excited!

Weight Gain? I think I've officially stopped the weight loss and put on one pound! Let's see if it sticks around for awhile.

Stretch Marks? I think I'm getting some on my boobs. Belly is same but getting harder, don't know how to explain it. I'm typically mushy in the "abs" area and it's no longer a bowl full of jelly.

Sleep? 2-3 hours at a time. I have to pee a lot. I try to sleep on my left side (better blood flow to the baby) but I'm a right-side sleeper by habit. Even worse, I suddenly like to sleep on my back and wake up with a stomach ache because I have to pee or something. I'm sure the back sleeping will need to stop soon.

Best Moment of the Week? Every moment is great, here are a couple neat ones: I can officially see the "back" of my belly button. First time in my life. Huh. I think I'll be getting an outie soon....Listening on the doppler and hearing the baby move away and come back; I don't even have to push down with the wand anymore, I just put it on my pelvic region (getting closer to the belly though) and there it is. A nice loud heartbeat in the 150s.
Movement? It feels like there is something possibly scratching at me in there. I don't know how else to explain it. Its rare but sometimes I think I feel something. I'm sure I'll know for sure when it gets stronger. Tipped uterus so it could take longer, I have no clue.


Food Cravings? Mostly Mexican food; last night I quickly pounded a Little Thickb.urger from H.ardees, which I normally hate. I really seem to want grilled food. Must.drink.orange.juice., every single morning I have a big cup of orange juice but it must also have ice and a straw. I drink everything I can with a straw. I have no idea why. Perhaps because I want everything ice cold and I don't like the ice hitting my face? Oranges are a favorite snack (Vitamin C imbalance? Sheesh). Ice cream and strawberries but that's fading.

Gender? No clue. BUT....I was so adamant that I didn't want to find out the sex at our 20 week ultrasound but now I think I want to. I have my own rationalizations that have nothing to do with other people's opinions about our decision. DH wants to know and I think it might be fun to have something done where the tech takes the picture of the "money shot" and puts it in an envelope for us with a little piece of paper that says "boy" or "girl" and seals it. Then we can take it to our favorite bakery and have a small cake made with the inside frosting be the gender-color (and we get the envelope back too) so that when we have our cake we find out. It can still then be an intimate and memorable experience for us. Though we'd have to wait a day for the cake. :) The appointment is on a Monday afternoon so we'd probably drop off the order the next morning and pick it up after work or something. I just don't know if I'd want to have a party and find out in front of a lot of people. This way once we know we can do something fun to announce to the family since our pregnancy announcement this time was pretty quiet.

What I Miss? I'm afraid to say I miss anything because non-pregnant Christa would slap me so hard for not being thankful for everything I'm experiencing, good and bad. I suppose I do miss golfing (I'm not risking it) and having a normal appetite.

Symptoms: Sore boobs, dry skin, zits, fast growing hair (everywhere; I'm actually growing a beard of peach fuzz which is beyond strange), queasiness if I don't keep eating, gas, burping, mood swings, repulsed and scared by all things of the sexual nature (I've been a nun for nearly 4 months people), emotional....


What I'm looking forward to? Everything. Right now my belly is growing, I've officially popped (though it's small) and I still can't wait for that nice round belly which seems to be coming in a little more each day.


Weekly Wisdom:  DH's aunt said that after giving birth I'll physically look and feel 3 months pregnant for about 3 more months (better be sans puking) so I'll want to wear the maternity pants for awhile post-partum. That's all I've got for "wisdom" this week.

Milestones: Every single day of this pregnancy has been a major milestone. According to books and websites my kid probably has some of that dark brown hair from its dad's side if that's how the genetics panned out.

Emotions: Thankful, grateful, elated. All I care about is this baby, this pregnancy and I think I've earned the right to have blinders on right now. Also I feel like such an imposter, most days. I still have such a difficult time talking to people about the pregnancy as if it's a normal one. People ask if we were trying (who asks that?) or tell me stories of how they know someone who tried to make a boy or girl when TTC and asks if we did that, etc. I so badly want to shout from the rooftops that this is a precious IVF baby and I've fought for this pregnancy for years and of course we were trying...but I work and live in a religious community where IVF is not discussed unless its in a judgy way because of Octom.om or whatever beliefs the person has. When people say, oh you can use that for your next one, I want to say that this might be our only one because we don't have the money to do IVF again any time soon. But its none of their business and I take the comment and shove it down into that little box where all the unintentionally hurtful comments went during the last 3+ years. Then I remember that I'm pregnant, in my second trimester, and smile.

First official belly pictures taken yesterday at 15w2d:

Finally, here is a picture of our three cats who love having their "bunk bed" back in the bathroom after 4 months:

14w3d

I wish I could better convey my continued shock and awe that I am still pregnant. Imagine raised eyebrows, a half smile and jaw dropped. Every.single.day. I wake up (well, during one of my several nighttime pee awakenings) and smile at how amazing it is to be in this place. A place I've longed for and dreamed about. A place snatched away from me too soon four other times. I have no complaints. I am simply thankful for all of this.

Updates (mostly pregnancy stuff  so scroll down if you don't want to read about that):

*Mother sent me an email apologizing and hoping that our relationship wasn't over. She took this whole thing a bit far, in my opinion. I emailed her back saying I'm over the whole thing, our relationship is fine and I that I loved her. I haven't heard back yet but the ball is in her court. Gotta love my crazy mom.

*After receiving PETA's response last week, I emailed back requesting they make a donation to RESOLVE in honor of NIAW. I haven't heard back and doubt that I will. I'm sure they're figuring we should be happy they took down the NIAW references on their website. Whatever. I still agree with their work, just not that ridiculous contest.

*Morning sickness started to wane a bit after the 13 week point. I hadn't thrown up since 9 1/2 weeks, however this Monday proved that the baby is in fact, in charge. I lost all the dinner I'd forced down and ended up going home early from work yesterday because I just couldn't function. I feel better today so I suppose the roller coaster of pregnancy continues. I don't complain when I puke, and afterwards I use the doppler to bring a big smile back when I hear that fast-paced heartbeat.

*I only wear maternity work pants now and have ordered some maternity clothes from Wal.mart. None of my spring/summer clothes fit me even though I've lost so much weight. I don't go into public on weekends because of my lack of clothes so I'm hoping my order arrives by Friday. My pre-existing pooch is steadily been pushed outwards, making me look flabby still. I'm hoping for something a bit rounder in the next couple of weeks. I've wanted a belly for so long, I can barely contain my excitement when I think about how soon it is that I'll have an official bump!

___________________________________________________________________________
Finally, I wanted to note this for those of you interested in television getting IF stuff right. After recently catching up on all the past seasons of Gre.y's Anat.omy, I decided to watch Private Practice. Guilty pleasure, I know. So I watched the third disc of Season 1 last night, thanks to Netf.lix. Here is the rundown of what happened in an IF case which made me yell at the screen:

-35-ish aged couple comes in after TTC for 2 months and they want testing done.
-Same-day (regardless of where she is in her cycle) the RE and Addison (Board-certified neonatal surgeon, ob/gyn) do an LH and FSH draw on the wife and a semen analysis on the husband.
-Results are in within a couple of hours; couple stayed at the clinic to wait I guess. Wife's numbers are good and she's about to ovulate, also she has some fibroids (no u/s was mentioned earlier) that are not a problem now but could be later on. They should hurry to concieve as she's "old".
-Husband has no viable sperm in his sample. He is told he is sterile. Husband decides wife should immediately pick a donor for an IUI, same-day. He wants her to have kids, doesn't want to adopt.
-Wife can't pick a donor. The next day, husband brings in his arsehole brother to be the father/uncle. Couple decides to do IUI, that day, with brother's sperm. Just before RE pushes in the swimmers, couple says "No!" and decides not to go that route because the brother is an arsehole/jerk.
-Addison (neonatal surgeon, ob/gyn) and Naomi (RE) try to figure out how to get this couple pregnant. Decide to recommend TESE. This is day 2 of diagnosis by the way. Couple is happy, decides to go this route.
-Wife in one bed, husband in another. They do the TESE as he's awake, showing the procedure on a screen. Wife in next bed is ready to have her egg (though Addison says eggs) removed in case they are able to find any swimmers. SAME DAY PEOPLE. The couple must have fantastic insurance. Also there was no embryologist in the room, anesthesiologist, etc. Addison and Naomi do the TESE and find just one swimmer.
-ICSI is performed (are you kidding me?!) immediately and mitosis is quickly shown on the screen.
-TRANSFER IS DONE IMMEDIATELY. Patient sent home, who asks if it's too soon to feel pregnant.

Gag me. Please. I screamed at the screen out loud and silently. I was so mad that people were given the impression that this is all actually possible on a whim! Argh.

Oh and I watched more "Pregnant in Heels" last night. The only IF stuff was Rosie telling her husband that the clinic called and that he had to give his sample, that day. She apologized for forgetting to pick up the p.orn. DH saw that and laughed. Then Rosie said she should have made her husband a video. Then DH looked at me like, "why didn't you make me videos?". Sigh. Otherwise the pregnant ladies were awful. Again. Well, the one who wanted a gay assistant to help her with her busy life of planning her own parties in days was terrible. But the other one who didn't want to have sex with her husband and him saying she should "force herself to have sex with him" was so interesting since DH bugs me all the time and I am so not interested. Rosie did a good job showing the husband why his wife didn't want to be intimate. Oh and the sex couple? They met in Gemology School. They make jewelry. Huh.

Emailed PETA, Got A Response - Do We Win?

I sent this email yesterday to PETA; I wanted to do something other than sign the petition and bitch on my blog:

From: coberbro@gmail.com
Sent: Thursday, April 07, 2011 12:08 PM
To: Ingrid Newkirk
Subject: NIAW "honor" is offensive


Ms. Newkirk:


As an infertile, I'm appalled at PETA's insensitivity of the vasectomy contest currently offered in "honor" of National Infertility Awareness Week.


Would you offer a free mastectomy in honor of Breast Cancer?
Would you offer free beer in honor of Mothers Against Drunk Driving?

Would you offer a free skin bleaching in honor of Black History Month?


Please end this offensive campaign. It is tarnishing PETA's reputation and hurting millions of people in the process.


Thank you.

Christa O.
Iowa

Here is the response I received moments ago:


From: Zoe Rappoport

Date: Fri, Apr 8, 2011 at 1:21 PM
Subject: Re: NIAW "honor" is offensive
To: "coberbro@gmail.com"

Dear Christa,

Thank you for contacting PETA about your objections to our contest offering a free vasectomy; please allow me to respond for Ingrid. We are sorry to have offended you, and we have removed the phrase “in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week” from our website. We understand that this was not a wise choice of words.


Our goal was to focus attention on the tragic suffering and death of homeless dogs and cats. Since the best way to prevent animal companions from having unwanted litters is to spay and neuter them, a kind PETA member offered to cover the cost of a vasectomy for one compassionate man who wants to get himself “snipped” just like his furry friend.

To learn more about our efforts to address the animal overpopulation crisis, please visit http://www.PETA.org/issues/companion-animals/spay-neuter.aspx. Thank you again for contacting us and for the opportunity to share our thoughts.


Sincerely,
Zoe Rappoport
Correspondent
PETA Foundation


So they took down the NIAW stuff. Do we get an apology? A donation to RESOLVE? I guess we'll see. At least they took it down.

Thoughts?

Weighing in on PETA; Bravo's "Pregnant In Heels"; Mother Update

Two posts in one week. Do I get a gold star on my chart? This shall be less pregnancy, more IF-related today. I actually wrote this post in my head this morning. Sigh. Now I have to actually type it. When will we have the technology to write things with our minds?


PETA:
To preface, I'm a huge animal lover. I can't even watch a movie or show where an animal is hurt or tortured, real or fake. I have been a big supporter of PETA since I heard of the organization when I was a kid. If you haven't heard about the hot issue right now, just go to PETA's website. You'll be appalled if you're an infertile (whether you have a baby in your arms, are pregnant or are still battling). I have put up a link on the right side of my blog if you'd like to sign the petition. Feel free to read the comments people have left on that site regarding PETA's massively offensive campaign. It's funny too because PETA has no problem attacking anyone for being offensive but when they're in the crosshairs of infertiles, nothing hits the newswaves and no changes are made to what they've done. I'm sure if they offended breast cancer victims/survivors it'd be front page news. But nooooo. Infertiles don't qualify for equal treatment and clearly are being ignored. Hopefully if we keep screaming, something will be done.

Bravo's "Pregnant In Heels":
This show is about a woman named Rosie Pope who is a self-proclaimed "Maternity Concierge" to wealthy New York women. She has a fashion line of maternity clothing, bags, etc. and does house calls to cater to whatever her clients want. Google her - but if you can afford her clothes and services I don't know what you're doing in the blogosphere for infertiles because you much have better things to do with your time. ;)

I watched this show because right now I'm addicted to all shows about pregnancy. I have avoided them like the plague for 3 years and I feel like I'm catching up. I HATED this show for the first 20 minutes or so. But like the trainwreck I saw it for, I continued to torture myself and watch .

Then it happened. I saw Rosie use a Follistim pen and she began talking about her infertility, heart-shaped uterus and IVF. My jaw dropped, then I called DH in the room to tell him. He didn't care but I felt like I had to tell someone because when infertility/IVF is on TV I get really excited. DH and I have been semi-open about our struggles with certain people (a huge step for us) - we have to be careful because of the huge Catholic population here and some/most that we know or are related to oppose in-vitro because of their religion and we don't want to deal with their opinions or possible negative treatment of our child.

But to get back on track, I think I'll continue to watch this show. I found out the results of her IVF cycle. I won't share it here but if you want to know (for whatever reason) let me know or check it out online.

Mother:
...is psychotic and blamed me and my step-sister for her big announcement at the shower. No apology received for it at all. She got really mean, verbally attacked me for all kinds of issues unrelated to the one topic I went there to discuss, and blew up at me while throwing her predictable tantrum as she stomped out of the room. As we went to leave, DH and I quietly chuckled to ourselves (we're used to my mom's "crazy"), and my dad gave me a hug before going to deal with her aftermath. So I guess now we're not on speaking terms but I'm really glad I told her how I felt. It's been about 10 years since I did that and now that I'm not a teenager under her roof that she can push around, she didn't like it and responded exactly how I figured she would. We shall see how this plays out. Gotta love momma drama. If you've ever watched "Samantha Who?" from ABC then you'll remember her mother. That's my mom, in a nutshell, but crazier.

A Work Announcement, A Shower, My Mother and 13+ Weeks

First off, some good stuff. I've never completed one of these things but they seem to give a good run-down of how things are progressing. If you want to know about this pregnancy, read on. If not and you want to read about how my weekend went and how my mother is on my shit list, scroll down*.


How far along: 13 weeks, 2 days
Total weight gain/loss: -10 lbs since BFP

Maternity clothes: Completely maternity on bottom, mixing it up on the top. I bought some sweet work maternity pants at Younkers last Friday and they are like sweats! I might wear them forever.
Sleep: Can't get enough of it, especially since I wake up every 2 hours to pee. I can't stay awake past 9:30 pm.

Best moment of the week: Listening to our baby's heartbeat on the Doppler (I do this every other evening). Seeing the smile on DH's face makes my heart melt every time. Oh and having my last PIO shot on Sunday night!

Food cravings/aversions: Mexican food is my favorite; I'm hating chicken (unless its in a taco, quesadilla or chimichunga) and a whole bunch of other foods. I swore I wouldn't drink pop and haven't since Christmas Day but last week I discovered that if I sip on some caffeine-free diet Dr. Pepper or Pepsi, it makes my nausea all but disappear. The main reason for anti-pop attitude is the Phenylalanine in it. Guess what? There was Phenylalanine in the Zofran my doctor gave me! Um, I'll enjoy the pop, thankyouverymuch. It doesn't make me super constipated (TMI). So I'm rationing the pop to when I absolutely feel awful.

Belly button in or out: In, but get this - I've had a "deep" belly button my whole life. Now I can see the end of it and so can DH. The whole shape of it has changed. With all the weight loss, I can't tell if it's the baby belly or not. Even at my skinniest my belly button was a "cavern", according to DH.
Stretch marks: Just the beauties I've had for years.
What I miss: Absolutely nothing; I'm beyond grateful and humbled that I'm actually in my 13th week.

What I am looking forward to: Currently I'm excited for the 20-week ultrasound appointment just to see how huge the baby will be. Also I can't wait till my pudgy burgeoning baby belly becomes more rounded in the next few weeks.
Weekly wisdom: I was told by a co-worker that I am being selfish for not wanting to find out the baby's gender because it makes gift-buying very difficult for friends and family. Nice.....
 
 
*Let's go down the list of how my weekend went:
 
 
Friday - I announced the pregnancy at work. At my law firm, the tradition is that the person making an announcement goes to a local favorite shop called Donut Boy and buys 2-3 dozen donuts, puts them in the break room and sends out an email announcing their news. Typically there are two types of announcements: babies and engagements. Friday was also April Fool's Day. I would NEVER joke about a pregnancy announcement, so that wasn't the catalyst.  My belly and obvious morning sickness was getting a lot of attention last week so I figured Friday was the day to spill the beans. Everyone was very congratulatory and most of the women said they "just knew".
 
I felt like such an impostor, like I didn't deserve to be getting all that attention. I really didn't want it anyways, its not my style. After all these years watching other women have pregnancies and announcements and listening to all the women gab about it, I couldn't believe it was happening to me. I still can't. Overall its very strange.
 
Saturday - My sister's bridal shower. I was not in charge (I usually am 100% in charge), so it was pretty much a disaster. She seemed to have a fun time though, so whatever.
 
Here's the stunner for the day though. In addition to the groom's family and the bride's friends, the matriarchs of my side of the family showed up, consisting of two aunts and Grandma. My mother asked me if she could tell our side of the family about the baby. I said no because it was my sister's special day and if the family asked me I would tell them privately.  I swear to g.od five seconds later she asks me to come over to where they were sitting for "just a second". I had been checking in guests, making name tags and pretty much trying to keep the bride out of the room so it could finish being set up (disaster, I tell you). I go over, thinking that they need a drink or something, and this is what comes out of my mother's mouth: "Attention everyone! I have an announcement to make! She's going to be so mad at me, but Christa's pregnant!!!!!!". To the whole room. All I could do was, through teary eyes, put a finger to my lips and say "Shh, it's Rachel's day so please don't say anything, but thanks for the congrats."
 
And I walked away.  My family was half-excited, half-horrified at what my mother had done. I don't even need to explain to any of you why I'm so upset. I'm sure you can figure it out.
 
Tonight I will be meeting with my mother, my dad and my husband to basically lambast my mother for what she did and let her know that her behavior (not just on Saturday, she's been just awful for months) and constant comments to me that seem to dismiss our infertility struggle to get to this point are unacceptable and it all needs to stop. She will likely respond like a "Real Housewife of Whatever County" and flip the table while running to her room to throw a tantrum, slamming the door on her way. That is how she behaves when confronted, which is why it's been 10 years since I've done it.
 
Wish me luck.  
 
 
Sunday - I sat on my butt all day watching TV and relaxing after having slept in till 11 a.m. and I even answered our front door in my robe and sweats with ratty hair at 2:30 pm. It was a perfect day.

12w4d

I found the baby's heartbeat tonight! Love that doppler, totally worth the purchase. Heartbeat in the high 150s...amazing.

Psssst....

hey. its me.


we made it. still pregnant and it's March 28th.


friday's appointment was fantastic; doppler didn't work so we got to see the baby dance on an ultrasound..


i didn't have a pio shot last night either, since we're alternating shot days this week.


wow.


i am grateful to have been given another day to be a mother.

11 1/2 Weeks.....Just Bobbing Along

No, I didn't go to the doctor this week...yet. My "12 Week" appointment is this Friday afternoon, but they're basing that schedule off of my ultrasounds which have put me 2-3 days ahead repeatedly. I'm still "turning over" the weeks on Sundays. It's just easier till I have some more reassurance that all is going to be fine, i.e. 2nd Trimester.

The appointment this Friday will include a doppler check and a pelvic exam/pap smear. *Chuckle*.....nope. I'll be refusing the pelvic exam. The dildo-cam is all that's allowed 'round those parts for now. I just had my pap smear in November 2010 so I won't need that till either later in the pregnancy (not getting cocky, just planning ahead as needed) or after giving birth (is that actually going to happen?). The pelvic is really just to do the pap so as it is unnecessary - this has been confirmed by an OB nurse too so I'm not just being rebellious - I would feel more comfortable having the doppler check.

Since I have a tipped uterus, they likely won't find the heartbeat with the doppler yet, so I was promised that if that doesn't happen I will get a quick ultrasound. Neener neener HMO.

I still feel sick but it's more tolerable these days. I continue to want to feel sick as a reassurance that all is okay, at least until I can find the heartbeat with my doppler at home (I may have tried, it didn't work, don't judge me). Food in general is extremely difficult to eat as most food grosses me out. I'm now on an old person's diet of jello, yogurt and fruit. Nom nom nom. I'm sure I'll find all of that gross before the end of the week. Just for the record. My belly, while only in the 11th week, is getting a bit pokey. In that I mean the part under my belly button is starting to be protruding a bit more. I'd push on it to see what I felt but it's totally bruised and tender from the Heparin injections. I also feel what I'd call "growth" in my pelvic area. It's difficult to describe but it's not cramps, just different.

Home life is good. Our bathroom remodel is done and I'm enjoying it immensely, especially the shower. Bella was front-declawed and spayed a week and a half ago and seems to have healed completely. Her suture removal is this Saturday and I'm not looking forward to it. As cute as pink stitches are, why couldn't they have been dissolvable?

Dr. S said I should taper off of the PIO so I re-explained the plan to DH last night to finish out this week with daily shots and then go every other day for a week and then we're done. He got so pissy and said we weren't doing PIO for 13 weeks. I explained that we'd already discussed this and he was fine with it last week or so, and that it's not up to him. He's being quite an ass these days - mostly because of basketball on TV, and all of his fun plans to golf and watch baseball this summer. Things are tense most of the time as I don't feel well and he feels inconvenienced by me. I just don't get it. We would have given anything to be in this situation (pregnant) and I feel like he's taking it for granted. Sorry I don't plan on having sex during pregnancy, dear. Sorry I don't plan on golfing anytime soon, dear. Sorry I don't feel like traveling 7 hours to visit your brothers in Indiana and then turn around 36 hours later to sit in the car for another 7 hours, dear. Didn't mean to ruin your life.

Welcome to my marriage. Ugh. Some days are better than others though. I just have nobody IRL to vent to. Probably shouldn't anyways, marriage is supposed to be private I guess.....as I blog this for the world.

I just want to get past this next weekend. Past the days that were the pinnacle of suffering in my life. For some reason, I believe that if I can make it past that infamous (to me) date, everything will be okay.

10w5d-ish - I Went To The OB Yesterday

...because I couldn't wait for next week's regularly scheduled appointment. It'd been 2 weeks since our last ultrasound and I couldn't take it anymore. Besides, Dr. B told me it was fine to come in every couple of weeks but I'd have to tell the nurse I was bleeding. Which I haven't so far, so knock on some wood for me. I sure am.

All was going according to plan when I made that call on Wednesday until I found out Dr. B isn't in all week. Only Dr. M could see me on Thursday. Dr. M - I fired her in November 2009 and switched to Dr. B. Awkward.

So DH and I went to the 1:30 pm u/s appt yesterday and I was a little nervous, he wasn't. As soon as that dildo-cam slid in I saw how big the sac was and how HUGE the baby had gotten! Holy crap! I immediately looked for that little flutter for a heartbeat. Ann, the other u/s who we normally have, was also in the room and though she was on the phone she saw the heartbeat just when I did and she put her thumbs up and smiled at me. I asked DH if he saw it, the heartbeat. He was sitting kind of behind me and I never looked at him (I didn't want to miss a thing on the screen) and said no but he doesn't know what to look for. Silly man.

The tech was great, showing us the little hands and feet and how long the umbilical cord was. We explained to her we've never made it this far so it's all new to us. After awhile of measurements, I asked if we should be able to see the baby move now. Ann said that it'd been moving before, maybe the tech should stop moving the "wand". So she put it in 3-D (or is it 4-D? I dunno) and that kid....our kid....went fricking nuts. Clearly he/she knew it was St. Patrick's day because that little jig we saw was incredible! What a spaz. Definitely my kid, that's for sure.

We got a CD again with 26 pictures this time (last time it was only 7). I'll post them at the end of all of this if you want to see.

Then we had to wait over an hour to see Dr. M and when we did it was a three and a half minute meeting. She said everything looked great, asked about the bleeding (Dr. B is the only one in on the whole bleeding thing) and I said it was the day before only and nothing since. I am the worst liar but I'm hoping she gave us a pass. Again: STUPID HMO.

And that was that. After work when DH was in the shower, as we prefer to shower at night, I snuck out my doppler and gave it a try. I know, late 10 weeks is too early. But what the heck, right? I knew everything was fine today so it didn't scare me when I couldn't find the heartbeat yet. Tilted uterus + 10+ weeks = no doppler for awhile. I did find my own hearbeat  when I put the wand on my chest and it was still calming to hear that whooshing sound, even though it was just me. I'll try again after next Friday's appointment (my official 12 week appt when I won't even be 12 weeks yet. It was their idea, not mine).

Measurements:
GA: 10w6d (based on egg retrieval I was 10w3d but with consistent measurements of at least 1 day ahead, my due date has been changed to 10/9/11 and I was considered 10w4d at the time of the u/s).
CRL: 3.93 cm (1.54 inches)
Heartbeat: 167 bpm
Two arms, two hands, two legs, two feet, one head. I'll never take that for granted.


I'll post a few of the 26 pictures now.....man I hope this lasts:




 

9w4d - First "Routine" OB Appointment (with a nurse)

Still here, still pregnant. Still laying low and quietly keeping my fingers crossed.

I had my 9 week History & Bloodwork appointment this afternoon. The nurse called me back into a little room that literally said "Patient History" outside the door. She asked me about my medical history, pregnancies, losses, medications, etc. Pretty boring for most but I was thrilled to have actually made it to my first normal appointment this pregnancy. Of course I plan to call next Monday and tell them I'm "spotting and cramping" again so I can have my 10 week ultrasound......stupid HMO.

If it weren't for the peaking morning sickness this week I'd probably have demanded an ultrasound today. Seriously.

This pregnancy has officially beat my other pregnancies. Is it the heparin/prednisone combination? Was it the Darwin-esque manner in which I was impregnated? Who knows, right? I sure don't. But I do think the meds are helping; whether it's medically or mentally, I feel more confident because of the meds. I think that the confidence relaxes me too, which I know is good.

I realized today that food has been a major obstacle for me since about week 5 of this pregnancy because of the severe nausea and it reminds me of when DH and I were losing weight for our wedding and everything about my life was about food. Strange now that I'm desperate to eat something and gain some weight (I can't seem to gain an ounce, just losing a little at a time).

I put in my last refill for PIO yesterday (along with my 3rd Heparin refill) and I'm pretty pumped to be done with those within a month's time. DH wants to quit the first day of the 12th week, but I'd rather finish out the bottle, putting me closer to 13 weeks. Does anyone have any recommendations as to what they would do? I'm a habitual aborter who is terrified of stopping PIO shots but knows that it needs to and can happen in the 12th week.



In pet news, Bella (now 7 months old) is getting spayed and front-declawed tomorrow. I take her to a vet in the "city" that uses a laser for the surgery. It cauterizes the nerves; extremely humane compared to how normal declawing is done. They do a wonderful job with animal surgeries and our "boys" recovered seamlessly after their surgeries.

Speaking of the boys, they are marking so much now that we've decided to retrain them. They'll be kept in our big laundry room for about 5 days with all their normal amenities of food, litter and a couple of cat trees with beds and we'll clean the house up one more time to hopefully get rid of the pee scents they've left behind. Grrr. Next step, unfortunately, is medication. We've tried everything else.

And finally, in wedding news:

Bridezilla's wedding shower has been planned, booked and budgeted. Each of us five bridesmaids will contribute $160 to the cause to cover the shower at the mexican restaurant and the party bus with the amenities. Plus t-shirts. All fine by me. I will not be attending anything after the shower, i.e. the "undercover party" which I understand is dildos, and then the 40 minute party bus trip to Wisconsin where the girls will bar-hop.

I WILL be paying my portion 100% because its more important to me to contribute and not cause drama than to argue that I don't have to pay towards the bachelorette because I'm not going. Fair enough.

Guess what? One of the other bridesmaids announced she is pregnant and won't go to the bachelorette because she can't drink and it won't be fun. Thus, she's refusing to pay her portion. Drama, drama, drama. She is the groom's sister so we don't know what to do with her. I have decided to call her early next week and share that I too am not going, I'm pregnant but I'm paying so that my relationship with the bride is not tainted for the rest of my life as she is family. I will suggest that this bridesmaid (a notorious flake) antes up. I'm sure she won't but at least I will have tried. Once I have the ultrasound next Tuesday and if all is well I'll tell the bride and the rest of the bridesmaids so they're aware but I'll remind them that financially, I'm all in.

Stupid wedding. I can't wait for you to see how ugly this dress is. I tried it on last weekend and was horrified at how massive I look. No the front is cute with my suddenly bloated belly. But the back? Tank.Ass.

I'll keep ya'll posted. Pun intended.

Ultrasound #3 - You're Not Going To Believe This

It's still alive. Now we had a different ultrasound tech today so she measured it 3 days ahead instead of 1, but we're not sticking to it too much because, according to my doctor, each tech uses a different spot to do CRL measurements so it could differ between them.

Stats:
CRL 2.10 cm (0.82 in)
Heartrate: 158 bpm
Measuring: 8w5d
No blood near sac, ovaries still enlarged but not an issue.

Pictures:

I guess I'll be able to breathe for another couple of weeks. Once (if) I can get to the point when I can listen on the doppler I bought 2 years ago I'm sure I'll relax a little. But I'm going to continue to need some reassurance ultrasounds through 12 weeks.

Inhale..................exhale..................for awhile.

By the way, we're about to reach that fourth milestone (beating the past 4 pregnancies). I don't know how to be pregnant past 9 weeks. I'll just live each day being thankful, grateful, and in awe.



PS: I wore my transfer socks to this ultrasound. And the last one too. I find them comforting, and lucky!

8w2d

I'm still here, and until proven otherwise I'm still pregnant. Note to self: if I take a Zofran at 6:30 am, drink ice cold water, then eat a bowl of cereal at 7:15 am before leaving and finally chew mint gum in the car ride to work, I will feel pretty decent and only slightly nauseous for the next hour or so.

Perhaps I'll try that again tomorrow to see if there's a pattern. However as I've felt pretty okay the past hour and a half, it worries me as the extreme nausea has been comforting to me as an affirmation of this pregnancy.

I will be calling Dr. B's office for an ultrasound tomorrow morning to check on things. I'm thinking of calling today to give them a day to squeeze me in as a courtesy (as I have to "lie" and say I'm spotting and cramping though none of that has happened thus far). Sigh.

I'm scared to go because of the possibility that something's wrong. I have had all kinds of miscarriages. Chemical. Sudden (with an SCH). Ectopic. Blighted Ovum. I haven't had a missed miscarriage yet. I'd like to avoid that but I really don't have any of control over the situation.

I have had many positive comments from ladies I follow and some that I don't (ICLW is pretty neat, I will admit), and the support has been so wonderful. I really am just trying to make it day by day.

I pulled out the ultrasound pictures from Pregnancy #2 on Sunday and examined the 7w3d and 8w3d (last u/s of the baby alive) pictures to see how big the baby was so I'm prepared for this week's look. For tomorrow's ultrasound, based on previous measurements, the baby should be 8w3d. Gotta love the irony I guess. What I have realized is that the 8w3d ultrasound was done the day before the sudden loss. Thus, on Friday March 27th, 2009 I technically lost the baby at 8w4d based on its measurements even though the doctors put me at 9 weeks. This Thursday is projected to be 8w4d.  Sunday is 9 weeks. All I can think about is making it to next Monday, March 7th. That would mean that this pregnancy beat all my other pregnancies.

After that, my goal is to make it to 12 weeks - the projected date?

Sunday, March 27th.

Why do we connect dates so much when we're trying to conceive and then miscarrying, and then pregnant again? I know I'm not the only one who's been through this. But honestly - that date, March 27th. It was the absolute worst day of my entire life. Nothing has come close. And I hope more than anything that this year on that date, I reach 12 weeks of pregnancy.

7w?d, 4d? I Dunno.

1. Thank you to all the ICLW visitors. I have been pushing myself to do this and I can't for the life of me figure out why blogging is suddenly the most scary thing in the world to me.

2. I'm scared to blog. I'm scared to comment and check other blogs. I've passed 3 out of 4 milestones (passed 3 out of 4 previous pregnancies) and the closer I get to #4 milestone (or if you'll remember, pregnancy #2) all I can do is remember when the "bad" stuff started and how it all went downhill from there. I was eating peaches 'n cream instant oatmeal this morning and I remembered I was eating that the morning I lost #2 at 9 weeks. I mostly remembered throwing it up in the ER. Tomorrow, based on the fetal pole measurement last Friday, I will be 7w5d. That was when the spotting started for pregnancy #2. Listen, I'm not trying to "hijack" this pregnancy. I don't want to doom it. I would like a goddam kid out of this for once. I am sick all the time and the Zofran has me so dang constipated that my insides are playing out every fight scene from every action movie I've ever seen. (I'm not complaining, please believe me.)

I have been quietly checking on everybody during this time and seeing some successes and I'm so thrilled for those ladies but there are also some heartbreaking losses and I'm so incredibly sad and angry about all of it. I'm honestly half-expecting myself to be back where I started instead of this pregnancy succeeding. Why shouldn't I feel this way? I don't know anything else but failure. Sure its not my fault, but still.

I don't get weekly ultrasounds because I have an HMO, which runs the entire medical practice I go to, who is a big dick and won't cover "unnecessary" things like a weekly u/s for a "habitual aborter". My local ob/gyn told me to call his OB nurses and tell them I'm spotting/cramping (none of which has or should be happening soon) and they'll get me in for an u/s and that way the insurance will pay for it. I told him I'll likely do that every other week. Um, I want it every week please. But I guess I have to be reasonable.

As for the prenatal care, that's the HMO again. Sure they cover it, but I have a huge deductible and the insurance calendar year is school-year based because DH works for a University. Thus, the deductible starts over in June. The medical provider wants payment for all doctors fees, exams, etc prior to the baby's birth. Thus they want me to start a payment plan for all this crap. Like I told 'em: I want to get out of the first trimester first please. And screw your payment plan which is as big as my student loan payment; I'll pay the invoice in full each month. Dicks.

Overall I refuse to get ahead of myself. Sure I g.oogle stuff every day like "embryo size 7w3d" or "belly pics 16 weeks" so I can get an idea of how big I might be for my step-sister's wedding if this baby sticks around that long.

I'm just too scared. Thankful but scared.


3. I'm dreading my step-sister's wedding. I'm sure she only asked me to be a bridesmaid because she was one for our wedding. She's forcing us to wear these ugly dresses and horrible matching shoes - because her wedding wouldn't be "perfect" if all the bridesmaids weren't wearing 2+ inch heels with a narrow front and open toes with teal nail polish on our toes (also required) and huge fake flowers in our hair. She's a freakin' bridezilla, I tell ya. I'm hoping she kicks me out of the wedding because our close friend is getting married on 4/2/11 and my step-sister just decided last weekend she wants her shower and bachelorette party to be on 4/2/11. Guess who's bachelorette party I'm skipping? Yeah I don't wanna go anyways. The bridesmaids are bitches. I hate the maid-of-honor, and I don't even like any of my step-sisters anymore. Stupid 4/23/11 wedding on Easter weekend. I don't wanna go. Did I mention I had to force her to write down her shower and bachelorette guest list last Saturday so we could then actually book a place for her shower and know how big of a bus to rent for the party? Yes she is demanding a bus. With coolers of beer in it. Demanding.

4. My belly is really bloated and buttoning/zipping my pants at work has become "optional". I'm glad I have an office with a door. I think the bloating is due to the following: heparin shot bruising = pain, constipation, gas, baby (?), laziness of sucking in my gut. It's all theory.


That is all.

For now.

I'll keep updating.

I promise.