Get With The Program

So in honor of the theme of this blog, I will share my frustration with my OPKs not giving me a positive result in a timely manner. I am now at CD 15 with extremely negative ovulation tests. Nice huh? My average positive OPK cycle day is technically 15. Since I've gotten several positives on CD 16 and/or CD 17, I will be patient. But if I don't see anything in the next two days...I'll have to go buy more since I only have three left. That's really all I can do. What will pouting do, right?

Thus, I'll continue my testing regime and see what happens. I typically get home around 6:15 pm, grab the mail and run upstairs to test, and that's pretty exciting. It would still be okay for a positive tonight, tomorrow or Thursday. But here's the deal: my appointment is this Thursday. At 3:45 pm. Did I not mention that before now? It has been a bigger deal than Christmas or New Years'! I actually cared more about it than the Outback Bowl (Hawkeye fan here, look out)! Yes I have counted down the days since I made the appointment on December 2nd. I had 36 days to get more and more excited and now it's down to 2 days! (I'm mentally jumping up and down now).

Want to know how pathetic I am? See, since there was zero indication of a possible opk and I felt nauseous yesterday, I actually went online and searched if its possible to have AF (a seven day af to boot) and still be pregnant. Yeah, I know the answer. I have read every book and website about TTC. I have opk'd, bbt'd, ate healthy, drank water and tea, used pre-seed, checked my cp and cm, taken hundreds of hpts and timed bd-ing like never before. I have also prayed and smited God at the same time. I am considered normal by all accounts. DH seems to have all of the appropriate "kibbles and bits", if you know what I mean.

All we need are some tests to at least confirm that we are normal, OR, that there is a problem that is fixable. Either way, some medical intervention would be just lovely. It would also save me from losing it.

Another wonderful personality trait that will most likely be shared on this blog is my competitive nature. It's not only bizarre but most likely unhealthy. Here's a good one - DH and I had been trying about four or five months. I'd had my chemical pregnancy by then. My mom told me my brother's girlfriend was pregnant. It was an oops. Yeah. We couldn't even have an oops. I had a bit of a breakdown in front of my mom and DH that day. It was embarrassing to say the least. Why that reaction? Because I was supposed to be first. I'm the oldest (of five). I went to college, graduated. I have a great job. I got married. I have a house. See? The checklist is complete. I did everything I was supposed to as prerequisite to having a child. Let's just say my brother was on the opposite end of that spectrum. I now have a cute little nephew, and its painful to hold him but great at the same time. I'm slowly getting over it.

However, DH's younger and only sister mentioned over Thanksgiving that she and her DH might start TTC-ing as of summer 2009. He wants to start ASAP but she's only 22 (will be 23 in May) and says she's too young. This would be another sibling near the middle of the spectrum, much closer to DH and I than my brother, but still, in my opinion, not as close as she should be. Why do I feel this way? I think it might be because I hold myself to a higher standard than others. I just feel that having your sh*t together helps when actively TTC-ing. So that's how I feel and maybe I need to change, I don't know. But this stuff is just SOME of the crap in my head on a daily basis.

On the diet front, I had a cupcake yesterday. I made a bunch for Christmas (yes, almost 2 weeks ago) and they're getting stale. I should toss them but the sugar-addict in me screamed "NO!!! It's only the first day! You ate well all day, treat yourself!!!" So I did. And it didn't taste that great. And I should just throw them out. Oh well. P.S. I haven't weighed myself b/c 2 months ago I got weighed for a work thing and the number wasn't pretty (af was in town so hopefully that had a lot to do with it) so I figure I'll weigh myself when I'm ready. Right now I'm scared sh*tless b/c when I went on the wedding diet exactly 2 years ago today (we set the date on this date too), I topped out at about 205. I'm 5'10" people. I lost 45 lbs for that wedding and I looked dang hot. But I'm pretty sure I'm up 15-20 lbs since the wedding day and if it's more, then I'll just cry, most likely. So...I'll tell you when I have a Garfield/scale moment. ;)