Wednesday, January 7, 2009

One Day Left

Seriously, on Doctor's Appointment Eve, I'm pretty pumped. Hope. That's what tomorrow is, all wrapped up with a bow. Hope.

Why do I need hope right now? Because it's CD 16 and last night's opk was negative. How late will I ovulate? How much later will af arrive? Ever since Thanksgiving my cycle is becoming less and less reliable. I went from a 28 day machine to kinda iffy with extra days or less days thrown in here and there. I guarantee that stress had something to do with it. We hosted two big dinners at our house over the holidays and had tons of stuff going on. So...that must be it.

I reviewed my post from yesterday and I see that I didn't really wrap up my thoughts completely about how irrational I am about everyone having babies. Overall in my screwed up head, everyone needs to stop getting pregnant until I do. That way I don't feel like a failure. Basically that's it. It's not really about attention or limelight. It's really more about my self-esteem and frustration with our severe lack of success in the TTC world over the last 15 months. That's all. Every day when I see more celebrities getting knocked up, I get pissed. Is that healthy? I think not.

For more on the TTC front with probably a little TMI, dh and I have switched up our bd-ing process. Instead of our every other day till a positive opk which then meant every day for three-four day schedule, we are now doing it two days, then resting one, then two days, then resting one. It's more for peace of mind as well as I need a break once in a while, physically and emotionally. Also, bd-ing didn't seem like as much of a chore from August through December. I tried really hard not to be so schedule-minded about it and get in the mood. But this month? Not so much. Maybe it's the excitement of tomorrow's appointment or the feeling of utter failure and lack of hope that this month will work that is doing it.

Last cycle, I was sure I was pregnant. Really. I fell for the early PMS as pregnancy symptoms. I didn't know that it was early PMS and that af would come two days early, etc. For the first time I told someone that I thought I was pregnant. The FIRST TIME. I didn't even tell DH that I had suspicions, mainly because he would have told me to wait and see. I told the most random of all people too; a rec volleyball teammate I've known a couple of years. I asked her when she stopped playing sports once she was pregnant; she asked if I was, I said I thought I was. Thankfully she's very discreet and though she emailed me about it (she works at the same company I do) the next week to follow up and I said it was a false alarm, she responded perfectly.

So...the rest of this entry was deleted somehow and it was really long and thought provoking. It will stay in my head I guess b/c it took about 15 minutes to type it. Dangit.

I basically talked about how DH is more supportive now but I'd like a friend to talk to about this other than my mother (I really need to stop talking to her about this stuff). Also I said that if the doctor I see tomorrow sucks, there are five other doctors there and I'll just fire her and move on if I'm not happy. I got her because she had the earliest available appointment when I called to make one on December 2nd, so...we'll see.

Tonight I'll go home, take an opk and pray that it turns positive to semi-positive to show there is some LH in my system this month, like there has been for the past 12+ months (that I know of). I'll also try to have good dreams about the appointment tomorrow. I wonder if she'll draw blood right away? I will have to get ready to be a pincushion. Did I mention I hate needles? Ha ha ha ha!!!! I'm nuts right?! Oh well, needles are necessary to give birth so, here we go!


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I Can't Control Everything | Desenvolvido por EMPORIUM DIGITAL