Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Advice Needed

I have three step-sisters. Our parents got married when I was 12 and R was 11 and K&K (twin girls) were 10. My biological brother was also 10 when the parents got married.

Five of us growing up, all within 3 years of age. Essentially, we grew up together. When I was 14, I changed my last name to my step-dad's last name which is also the same last name of my step-sisters.

In college, R came to the same school I was at and was quite obnoxious and mean to not only me but DH and my BFF. We didn't talk for some time. I even skipped her college graduation.

When DH and I got engaged in 2006, we set our wedding date the first week of January 2007. Then, I asked my three step-sisters, DH's sister and my BFF to be my bridesmaids. DH had his cousin, his two half-brothers, his best friend and my brother as groomsmen.

My three step-sisters and I got so much closer that year and ever since. I haven't referred to them as step-sisters in years, I call them my sisters. I've said it in front of them and to others for years. I thought we were very close.

When one of the twins moved to Florida in July (to be with her boyfriend and find a job there), sister R decided to throw K a going away party. They planned a "sisters' day" for the morning leading up to the surprise party which included lunch and mani/pedis. Guess who wasn't invited? Me.

I was beyond hurt and called sister R to let her know how upset I was and she said I could come if I wanted to and she felt bad, etc. I cried through the whole call, not realizing how sad it had actually made me.

I didn't go b/c I was in charge of a lot of the set up and food for the party and being the day before the party I couldn't just delegate it to someone else.

My stepdad (he's been my dad though since I was 11 years old) pushed us all so hard to be one big family unit since day one. He didn't tolerate those three leaving me out when we were kids, etc. He can't help us anymore. I've been pushed out for a long time now and sister R and other sister K (the one who didn't move away) have made it so clear that I'm just the STEP-sister for a long time.

Well, sister K just decided to move back to Iowa in January because Florida didn't work out.

Here is what sister R posted on her Facebook today:

"so excited my sister has decided to move back home...the 3 amigas are back"


I want to respond to this so badly. Every immature, dramatic fiber of my being that I keep under control because I'm an adult, wants to post something as a comment on FB. I never post anything but nice, happy things and keep my FB pretty private. But I'm sick of this. I treat them all as equal sisters. But sister K who didn't move away has been quite harsh with me the past year or so, saying things like "God will give you a baby when He thinks you're ready for one" the day after I had my third miscarriage, or calling me a cat lady repeatedly. Sister R asked me to be in her wedding but it feels more and more like it was because I had her in our wedding. I get left out of her planning now but last year at this time she NEEDED my help.

What would you do? I'm so upset and further hurt by all of this and I really feel like I have two options:

1) ignore it and stew about it in silence.
2) post something and see how it all shakes out. things could get worse but who cares? I don't care about being in sister R's wedding anymore.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Anyone? I'm so angry and I just want to go home and slam some Pino Grigio and see what happens. I don't have any friends to ask because....well you know why.


Thank you so much....



Scottie Mom said...

Unfortunately, the best thing is probably to ignore things. They are probably too immature &/or wrapped up in themselves to take your "criticism" of their actions well. It has taken me a long time to learn this lesson. As Oprah says (at least it sounds like she would say this) "you cannot change people, you can only change your reaction to people".

I am sorry that this is happening to advice can take away your hurt.

wifey said...

I've never been in quite the same situation, but if it were me, I think I might just send messages to all of them and explain how I felt. That sort of thing has never actually helped me get along with another person, but it always at least just makes things a bit better. If that makes sense. I hope that whatever you do, it's the right thing for you.

Emily said...

Wow, what an awful situation.

I have to agree with Scottie Mom. Even though I'm sure you want to post a comment in return, the best thing to do is to completely ignore it. It's difficult to do, especially when all you want to do it give them a piece of your mind, but it's probably for the best.

Lindsay said...

Definitely ignore it. It not going to make you feel better, and won't be worth the drama it causes.

Mindy said...

I think being open and honest with them is the best policy. It takes alot of resistance to not be passive-aggressive about it, but the best way to do it would be to talk with them in private. It may not help things, but letting it brew inside of you for so long is not going to help you or them either. These less stress and crap you can get off your shoulders before IVF, the better. Talk to them, then put the ball in their court to make the change. If they chose not to, it will be their loss, not yours. Good luck!

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