Monitoring Appt/Ultrasound #1 - updated again

3 follicles. Cd 12. Huh. I guess the meds worked. One on the left at 16mm. Two on left at 17mm and 21mm. Go me huh? I'll keep you posted as to when we'll trigger. I say trigger Sunday at cd14 and iui Monday.

Update: Dr. M who sucks wants me to trigger today. Hell no. It's cd 12! I'm fighting to trigger tomorrow pm and do the iui Sunday afternoon, cd14. I get ku when we iui on cd 15 or 16 but the follicles are ready... what can I do? Help?!

Update again - triggering tomorrow. Iui on Sunday. Frack. We have the biggest tournament of the year Sunday at 8 am. We have to be here by 1 pm. I think we can get 18 holes

Let The Shots Begin

I just got my marching orders from Dr. B's nurse (Nurse Mean-Old-Lady): 1.5 vials of Repronex per day till this Friday's ultrasound. Dumb. I wanted 2 vials per day. Last time it was only 1 vial and we barely got 2 follicles. Stupid doctors.

Also - there was a St. Louis IVF clinic featured in an MSNBC article a couple of weeks ago talking about how their prices are lower for the same treatment as other clinics. Included: IVF (retrieval, transfer), ICSI, Assisted Hatching, ALL Monitoring (labs might be covered by insurance), embryo freezing and 1 yr of storage. Not Included: medications, cost of driving down for a weekend, then a week, hotel stay, food...they typical stuff. Total Cost of IVF less meds and other incidentals: $8,000. Yeah. Figure $2k in meds, it's a $10k cycle.  They'll also let us do monitoring here locally except the final week meaning retrieval and transfer.

The micro-IVF in Madison does not cover ICSI, AH, embryo freezing and storage or monitoring...or meds....$5445, so then include monitoring and meds and the cost is still $8,000 - $9,000. The odds of having frozen embryos in micro-IVF are much lower than in a traditional IVF cycle.

I talked to DH about it this morning and he's on board. Hmmm. Well if these 2-3 injectable iui's tank, we'll know where we're going. I did some more research and micro-IVF has lower success rates for MFI and RPL patients.....super.

God (who I'm still questioning) I hope this works...


PS: FEMARA/LETROZOLE GIVES ME TERRIBLE HOT FLASHES. Holy crap. Otherwise, I'm fine.

CD 5 - Started Femara Today, Meds Arrived

Since DH has passed his test, I have found myself a bit happier, to say the least. He has a job, we still have coverage, etc.

Again, I ordered over $1,000 in fertility meds and we paid $45 for them on top of the $40 for the Novarel (hcg) trigger shot. At least we've got that coverage left since the IUI coverage got sucked up in March. I started the Femara (5mg/2 pills) this morning. Those little yellow pills are tiny! No side effects yet. Clomid gave me hot flashes right away so I'm cool with these meds so far.

I've been blog-stalking even more now...getting back into commenting and such. I still can't seem to find the time to sit down and type up my "Eclipse" entry. I also have several opinions about this season's So You Think You Can Dance - it's my first season and boy was it a good time to start watching the show! Top Chef sucks this year but I'm excited for Top Chef - Just Desserts to start.

DH and I have 2 big golf tournaments this weekend and his Aunt and Uncle's anniversary party at a local winery, so that should be fun. I hope all of you have a good weekend, that you enjoy yourselves and I want to thank the frequent and new commenters for the love; I've said it before but I'll say it again: you have no idea how much it means to me to know you are out there. I still feel so alone most of the time now that I've basically abandoned all my friends who are pregnant or trying to have babies or had babies. I have our parents, my siblings (one of which is going to start TTC next spring) and DH basically. You are wonderful ladies and I hope someday we are all free of this IF hell.

He Passed!!!

I just got the call from DH - he got a 76 percent on the test! Passing was 72% so he just made it but we don't care! He passed! Thanks everyone for the good wishes - now that we still have our IF coverage (medication coverage is insanely good), we'll be pushing forward with renewed confidence!

I ordered the Repronex this morning through Shrafts. 10 vials purchased with one vial of Novarel. Total cost? $45 for the Repronex, $40 for the Novarel. Total value of the overnight package full of fertility meds? Over $1,000. That's some pretty good coverage. We'll see how much the Letrozole/Femara costs, DH is picking it up at the pharmacy in about an hour.

Game on tomorrow with the Letrozole/Femara (which one should I call it?).

Baseline-CD3 - UPDATED & PRAYER REQUEST

Blogging from the doctors office. Annoyance level: HIGH. Dude almost hit me with his SUV on the way in...many preggos in the waiting room. Appointment was at 2 pm. It been 20 minutes of waiting so far. This sucks. At least two thing happened that don't necessarily suck: I figured out how to blog from my phone, and (tmi) I remembered to remove my tampon. Go me. Still waiting.

UPDATE: cycle is a go. Several follicles present, all under 10 mm. There was free fluid in the cup-de-sac again. No idea about that still. Start femara/letrozole this Friday. I'll be ordering the Repronex tomorrow and I start that next Tuesday. It sounds as if ill have the first u/s next Friday with the follow-up u/s on Monday August 2nd. If all is going to plan we'll trigger then and do the iui on August 3rd. So there's the plan.

Preggos still suck when u are an IF-er waiting for more treatment...no offense to anyone. This isn't an RE's office. Just an obgyn type place.

What has been getting me through this lately? Veronica mars on netflix.:)

Please send some prayers, good vibes our way on Thursday at 1 pm central time. Dh is taking his test at that time. Failure means he's fired and we stop IF treatments till who knows when...thanks...

IUI #8 cycle begins...

Yesterday I called the clinic to get the schedule set up for this next cycle since AF arrived full force and honestly without too much warning.

Nurse Nice-But-Flighty said that there's no plan on my chart from Dr. B other than we need to up my Repronex. I told her we'd discussed Letrozole (Femara) and Repronex for this cycle instead of Clomid b/c I'm done with that after 10 cycles. She said that Dr. B is out of the office till next week on vacation and is unreachable.

Nice.

So she ended up talking to the doctor I'd fired after not being cautious with my 2nd and 3rd pregnancy, resulting in an unexpected blown ectopic when she refused to do one more beta. Yay. Fired doctor said I was to go back on Clomid.

I threw a bit of a hissy fit. Sorry. I'm an IF-er who had her 3rd WTF appt in 2 years recently and had laid out a plan with her doctor. Why would I smile and say okay? So I told Nurse Nice-But-Flighty that I will NOT take any more Clomid and that I prefer to go along the lines of the plan laid out with Dr. B. She said that was fine and that I can do my baseline this Wednesday on CD3 (she tried to schedule me for CD2, yuck much?) and if it's all clear then she'll call the Letrozole/Femara into my local pharmacy and I can start those on Friday for five days. Dr. B returns next Tuesday and he'll address the rest of the issues, but in the meantime, Nurse Nice-But-Flighty will order 10 vials instead of 5 for this next cycle so I can take 2/day. Since I'm to start them next Tuesday, she'll confirm the dosage with Dr. B when he returns. I'll take 2/day I'm sure of it. It's the only way to increase the dosage anyways. I wonder if that means 2 injections per day? Oh well. The shots got me pregnant last time...I'm still thinking it was a rotten egg though that was the cause of the failure. That one we squeezed out at the last second with extra drugs...

I'll keep ya'll posted. I have no idea what cycle we're on because the four pregnancies kind of screwed up the cycle counting...but it's been at least 30 cycles by now I'm sure.

Hail Mary FAIL

AF just got here, and I actually did a fist-pump in the bathroom since I got so many BFNs this weekend that I just wanted her to get here so I could get started with IUI #8! Woot. At least I caught it before I had a clothing emergency like last month...

Aww it's alright. At least now I can go down to Arkansas in 2 weeks for my cousin's wedding and have a glimmer of hope that I'll be knocked up sooner than later. Maybe with TWINS!!!

First Baby Shower Invite; 10dpo; Poll

Remember way back in March when I told you all how I got that text message from our guy friend casually announcing his wife's pregnancy? Well she's 8 months now and the baby shower is on Saturday August 7th. I made DH read the date to me, I couldn't read it. Whew!!! We'll be in Arkansas that day!!! I'll probably send a gift...but thank goodness. This is actually my first baby shower invite since we started TTC-ing . Can you believe it? It took nearly 3 years to get one; other IF-ers have had to deal with much worse, so I am not complaining. I'm just hiding from the pregnant friend; haven't seen her since the first week of January (probably when she got her BFP).

Today I'm 10dpo. I tested. It was negative. :) I'll keep you all posted. Symptom check: slightly sensitive nips, white cm (sorry TMI), and a good mood. All indicative of past pregnancies. Could still be nothing though. I figure if there will be a positive, it'll start to show its face by Saturday or Sunday. Again, I'll let you know if there's any life-altering news.

There were a couple of celebrity pregnancy announcements yesterday (Craig Ferguson and Vince Vaughn). Mr. Vaughn got married in January. Screw him and his fertile marriage. Craig - I don't care so much, it was the bang/bang announcements that hit me harder. I'm still waiting for Khloe Kardashian-Odom, Eva Longoria-Parker....and more. People who got married around the time I did or after who have babies before us. Sorry but I instantly dislike them unless they struggled like I have.

So, I have added a poll on the side of my blog to see your responses to the following question:

How Do Celebrity Pregnancy Announcements Affect You?

I'm just curious to see your thoughts on this, and polls are fun.

My Eclipse post is coming though, I promise.

Glee Emmy Noms and Thanks for the Prayers

Congrats to Lea Michele, Matthew Morrison, Jane Lynch and surpise nominee Chris Colfer!!!! Though they'll never read this, I was so happy for all of them. I've been re-watching the season during my lunch hours on A.maz.on.com and they truly deserve these nominations. Jane Lynch was a lock for a nomination though...also nominated for Glee appearances were Kristin Chenoweth and Neil Patrick Harris - LOVE THEM!!!! I will be watching on August 29th to cheer them on. I'm also thinking of live-blogging the Emmys but we'll see about that.

Our IF-er friend Lindsay seems to be doing better and appreciates your continued support! I already feel better for her because she made it farther than I ever did - and that's awesome!!!!

Otherwise, I'll be spending the weekend with my 14 year old cousin as I take her to "Ec.lipse" (yes it'll be my 2nd time seeing it and I'll dedicate a later blog to it because I definitely have somethings to say) and to lunch on Saturday, and then I'll be dress shopping with my SIL (the fertile one married to my brother) for upcoming weddings we are attending.

Hopefully it's an uneventful weekend. In TTC news, I'm 4dpo. Yuck...6 more days till I can start testing like the nutty infertile that I am. This is my 9th cycle on Clomid. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be on it anymore. If this try didn't work, when we do the injectable IUI cycle next month, the doctor knows I never want Clomid again and I want Follistim or Repronex or whatever. I'm shooting for 3-4 follicles again and since I was a lazy responder to the first injectable/IUI cycle, he'd agreed to up my meds if we had to do another one. As LMFAO's song goes: "SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS...!!!!". Though I'm pretty sure they're yelling about the alcoholic shots, not the fertility drug shots. I wipe the stuff off with alcohol wipes though - close enough.

Thanks For The Props & A Prayer Request

Really quickly here - I need to say a couple things:

One, thank you ladies for not scolding me. I was ready for it and would have readily accepted it - I just really really hope that this (our 3rd, 4th, I lost count) hail mary cycle works. I'll keep you posted and I'm stocked up on HPTs. I will begin testing next Thursday or Friday (7/15 or 7/16) because I'm a nut and the DT tests are so cheap.

Two - while I'm not religious (RPL, IF, personal tragedy will have eroded my faith) and I don't believe things happen for a reason, I do keep people in my thoughts while they are going through tough times, etc. Whether you pray, think or feel for people, pick your pleasure because I need you to focus on fellow IF-er Lindsay. She is 9 weeks along in her first pregnancy and has begun spotting. U/s shows everything's okay, but she needs our support!

Let's keep her in our thoughts and hope her doctor(s) can either do something to help or that it's just a mini-speed bump in what should otherwise be an uneventful and wonderful pregnancy.

That is all.

No I Didn't Steal A Baby....

Thanks Lindsay for the comment! I was going to wait till someone commented because I'm stubborn and I figured no one read my post and didn't care about the fact that I did something bad. I see you care. I also love the M&M onesie you got!


Okay....deep breath....








I took Clomid and Repronex without doctor's orders this month.









There. I said it. 

Now I will explain it:


DH is on Clomid every other day. His prescriptions overlapped so he had 4 extra pills at 50mg each. I used to be on 50 mgs and got at least 2 follicles with it. I had one vial of Repronex left, so per the usual, I started the Clomid on CD5 and then on CD9 took the shot of Repronex.


I could get a cyst. I could get pregnant with twins. I could have an ectopic. The doctor could be pissed (but would I really tell him? Yes b/c I'm a terrible liar).


I don't care right now. We're terrified that we will probably have to do IVF and DH is in a crappy job situation right now where if he doesn't pass his exam in three weeks, he's fired. He's studying now but realistically, since he's failed THREE TIMES already, I can't have much hope that he'll pass. He's also desperately trying to find another job, but no one's hiring or he's under/over qualified.

If he gets fired, we lose our medical coverage, all that we've paid towards it will be gone and we'd have to move over to mine where the premium is insane as is the extremely high deductible. So while coverage may be there for IF, none of it counts toward the deductible and instead of iuis being covered 50/50, it'll be 100% out of pocket.

Thus, this is probably our last cycle with coverage. If it doesn't work and if AF shows up before his test on July 21st (which it would if this cycle doesn't work), then I'll explain to the nurses and doctor about our coverage situation and get our meds ordered fast under our current insurance so at least  that's covered since we have 90% coverage for the injectables.

So that's that. I got a positive OPK yesterday on CD16 (started getting dark on CD15 and was full-fledged positive yesterday, right on schedule), so we're giving it all we've got.

I know I broke the rules and self-medicated and I don't ever plan to do it again, but it was the only time to do it and it's under dire circumstances. I'll go crazy if we don't at least try b/c we may not have the money to keep going soon and it's almost 3 years of TTC! I'm a nutty infertile....the day has finally arrived.

So slap me with a wet noodle....but I did what I had to do.

Thoughts? More consequences you can think of ladies? Any encouragement?

I'm starting to comment on blogs again, slowly.....this cycle is giving me a little hope now....

Weekend Countdown

No exciting news here....only one hour and I'm outta here (work I mean)!

At 6, DH and I have couple's league for golf. I haven't been out since my disasterous tournament last weekend (just embarassing how I played; nightmare!). I'm looking forward to beating the other couple. I'm sick of losing b/c we have lower handicaps and have to give more strokes to the other couple. Wow that sounded dirty....but the wife of the other couple works at my dentist's office and last time I was there in April, I was 5+ weeks pregnant and had to tell them so they didn't take x-rays. She's seen me drinking beer/mixers over the past month in the clubhouse, so I'm sure she figured out I'm no longer expecting. I hope she doesn't say anything.

At 10, DH and I are going to see this little, unheard of movie called "E.cli.pse". Heard anything about this one? Might be good....it's not like I've had a countdown ticker on my blog for months on this one. I haven't finished the Br.ee Tann.er book yet, 1/2 way done, so I'll have to read it on the way home I guess and in between holes during league.

Tomorrow, DH and I are mowing our lawn (well, he's doing that), tidying up the house, then going to Bun.ker Hil.l golf course for 18 holes. Then we'll watch the city fireworks from our yard and drink some yummy beers (I may have wine, I haven't decided yet).

Sunday is the beginning of my family reunion so we'll go back to Bunk.er H.ill for an 18 hole best shot - we're on different teams this year. Probably b/c the last 2 family outings like this, we've been on the same team and beat everyone. Sunday night, we're going back to the movie theater to see another movie b/c it's Dollar Popcorn/Pop night! We're gluttons.........for punishment...I'm thinking Toy Story 3. I turned down The Last Airbender b/c of the terrible reviews.

Monday is the Family Reunion at a local park.

Whew! I'll be busy, but hopefully it'll be as fun as I think it will!


I should be 14 weeks today. I should have a little belly starting. I should be making announcements.

Instead, I should be ovulating in the next 72 hours. DH and I will be doing our best to get me knocked up again.

I've been dying to tell you guys that I did something bad and you're going to yell (in writing) at me - it's a secret....TTC related. It's much worse than ordering/buying tons of HPTs.....

It's a bit of a no-no in the IF world.

I'm scared to tell. Desperation makes IF-ers do some crazy things. I am that poster child I guess.

No I didn't steal a baby.

Things I Love... *updated

*Updated* My husband, family, friends, duh (they're people, not things though; I decided that I should put them on this list)
All things "Tw.ilight" except being called a Tw.i-har.d. *(Update for Lindsey and anyone else who was wondering - I won't see "Ec.lipse" till late Friday night for 2 reasons: 1) scheduling conflicts, and 2) I saw both "Twil.ight" and "Ne.w Moo.n" on opening night and had to sit through 2 hours each of screaming teenagers and missed most of the dialogue. Not again!!! I figure 10 pm on a Friday, 2 days after the premiere, should lower the chances of screaming teeny-boppers so that I can actually enjoy the movie with DH (a reluctant date) and my giant tub of completely unhealthy popcorn).
*Updated* Movie Popcorn, yum.
All things "Har.ry Pot.t.er" except when DH teases me b/c ONE TIME I had a dream I kissed Daniel Radcliffe.
Arrested Development - get that movie on its way!
Golf.
My new irons.
My new driver.
My new bag.
My AWESOME HA.WKEYE SHOES.
Pino Grigio wine - chilled.
Chopped.
Top Chef.
The words "Amuse Bouche".
The Real World circa Season 1 to about 2003.
Road Rules before it got stupid.
MTV when it showed videos.
Sporty polos.
Bermuda shorts.
Cats - especially kittens.
Tosh.0. Love him! Love his show!
Musicals.
Broadway.
Glee.
Lea Michelle.
Kristin Chenowith.
IDINA MENZEL.
Wicked.
Les Miz.
Funny Girl.
Funny Lady.
Candy - way too much.
Diet pop.
Kohls bucks.
My new HTC Hero phone.
Mom's spaghetti, potato salad, rhubarb cake, blackberry cobbler, ranch dressing.
Grandma's pear jam.
Cupcakes.
"The Notebook".
"Titanic".
"Tommy Boy".
"Dumb and Dumber".
Seattle Mariners (when they aren't awful - mostly the 1995, 1996, 2001 teams).
Seattle Seahawks (up to the point that they lost to the Steelers in the 2005 Super Bowl and then got rotten).
Seattle SuperSonics (1990's - Rain Man, The Glove...wow).
College Softball.
Olympic Softball.
SYTYCD - new love!
My wedding.
My honeymoon - Jamaica (Couple's Resort in Ocho Rios, now named Tower Isle).
My cockatiel Teo - he's 15 years old.
My kitties Milo and Jack (ages 3 and 5, respectively).
My new landscaping thanks to MIL; the lilies are blooming, as is my Angel/Memory Garden plants/flowers.
The town I live in (small town hicksville compared to Seattle!).
Driving 78 mph whyile blasting my CDs and singing loudly on the highway during my 90 minute commute (total/both ways) every day.
Thunderstorms.
A cold Bud Select while on hole #5 at Meschers.
My hair after it's been done at the salon - it stays nice for at least 1 more day!
Full body massages - when I don't feel fat, pasty, and gassy (hasn't happened but I've been nervous).
A picture of me from college when I was pitching in Florida - I was RIPPED!
My tattoo - yes I have one; it's a rose with Del.ta P.hi Sig.ma in greek letters underneath; lower right pelvis under belly button.
My birthmark (took me decades to get over it, it's under my left butt cheek - kids teased me endlessly).
Traveling.
Currently, my job.
New technology I understand.
Ooh...Netf.lix - we stream it to our flat screen via the W.ii. Love it.
Sleeping in.
Breakfast Pizza.

Okay that's enough.

I needed to be positive for you guys and you also got to know me a little better, I suppose.

Thanks for all the support - I still need it so much!!!

*Wince*

I was at the Dollar Tree during the lunch hour to buy a bunch of ovulation and pregnancy tests. I then threw a bunch of other crap on top to a) hide what i had in my basket, and b) enjoy a session of retail therapy.

I went to check out and the 60 year old employee saw what was at the bottom of my basket and told me to "just relax.....go home and open a bottle of wine and turn on some music and have some fun...", that she and her husband had problems and that's what she did...they didn't need these pee tests back then.

I wasn't even mad. I was more embarassed for her b/c she shouldn't say that stuff to anyone, and then embarassed for myself because if I wasn't an infertile, i'd probably laugh at someone buying that stuff at the Dollar Tree.

So even though what she said was technically offensive to an IF-er, I just laughed and told her to have a nice day. Why be a bitch, you know? I'll save that for comments from family or friends - like when my sister told me, after my third miscarriage, that "God will give you a baby when he thinks you're ready". 

Why I oughta.....

Perspective Change Please

You know how in the movies, when there’s a flashback or flash-forward though events in someone’s life? We observe the heroine meet Mister Right and they get married. Then they buy and fix up their dream home. Finally we see them having kids, going to soccer games, carpooling…all the boring, normal stuff. Or think about movies you’ve watched when the main character ascends the corporate ladder. Remember how we sat through The Lion King and hummed along as Simba transformed from a cub to an adolescent/adult lion during the “Hakuna Matata” song?
It’s so easy for the audience to go along with the life-changing events or trials and tribulations of a person (or animal’s) journey. The problem with the point of view from the seat in the audience is that we don’t feel what the characters are going through because we get to be a fly on the wall.
I wish I was a fly on the wall in my life. I want the last three years of my life to be one of those sequences with no dialogue, just sweeping, melodic music and a disconnection from the sadness and despair that is infertility and (recurrent) pregnancy loss. I wish I wasn’t taking three Benadryls every night just to be able to fall and stay asleep.
I wish a lot of things.
But if wishes were fishes, we’d have a huge fish fry. You like what I did there? Yeah, not so funny, but I don’t know what else to say on the subject.

Updates...

AF started Saturday/Sunday, around midnight. Painful, ruined some clothes at a family gathering yesterday...yay. Glad I've learned over the years how to get those stains out quickly and easily.

So AF #1 has started. AF #2 should begin sometime around July 18th-20th. IUI #8 should be the week after the 4th of July. At least I'll get to imbibe a little, unless they say don't drink with all the injectables. No biggie, b/c no out-of-town family visits are in order and we just get to relax that weekend with a family reunion and golf outing on my side.

Other updates...golfing is going well. I have a tournament this afternoon, league on Wednesday and the women's city championship (2-day) this weekend.

...9 days till E.clip.se is released in theaters!!!! Not sure if I want to watch all 3 at the theater next Tuesday night and stay for the premiere at midnight b/c I won't get home till like 3:30 am, maybe asleep by 4...i can barely stay awake past 11 on weeknights. I have a hair appt at 7:30 next Wednesday (the first night I can see the movie after work)...and that's been pushed back a month already. So do I wait till Thursday night? Yeah...probably. I have to be a responsible adult I suppose. Not looking forward to all the screaming teenagers so I figure Thursday is a better night to go b/c the weekend will be insane!!!

...SIL is not pregnant. yet. i feel like time is running out on that one though, they have to get lucky sometime. they always get what they want.

...DH is looking for a new job, desperately. It's impossible to find a job for someone with an MBA and 4 years out of college with a job at one location that he only took for the benefits. Sucks. He's so underpaid.

We want to do IVF and his car is about to die. We need him to make a lot more money and he's trying. If he doesn't pass the Series 63 test next month, he's fired anyways. We can't afford that....

So there we go. I'm sorry if I haven't been commenting, I guess all the pregnancies are still hard for me to take but I'm sure that once some more time passes and we start doing treatments again, I'll get more hopeful.

Genetic Testing Results

"No Chromosomal Abnormalities."

Me: 46 XX
DH: 46 XY

It's an answer, but still leaves unanswered questions: why all the miscarriages? do we really have that bad of luck?

Well that's done.

Also - could I be doing ANYTHING worse during the 2 weeks post-ovulation? Drinking, exercising, not taking prenatals/baby aspirin, enjoying junk food and lots of coffee.... like our sad attempt to get pregnant right after a d&c would have worked anyways.

At least, according to the Mayo Clinic, we should be able to have a biological child together.

I'm Still Here

I've been golfing a lot. I had a tournament yesterday (got 2nd overall) and have one next Monday...then the 26th and 27th of June is like the Women's City Tournament. Individual play. DH is my caddie on day 2. I hope to be in the top 10. That'd be nice.

DH and I were golfing on Saturday, just the 2 of us. We got in a stupid fight and I started crying, pretty hard. Choked on my iced tea. I guess that holding back all the pain and tears from all of this can hit at crazy times I guess. I've also been really b*tchy lately. That's not like me. I don't know if suddenly, 4 1/2 weeks post-d&c, hormones are screwing with me. But I'm pretty out of it these days.

I am a nut so I'm planning on seeing if our +OPK trysts worked by testing this upcoming weekend. Yeah, well I need something to look forward too. AF or a BFP are both fine with me. AF means we can move on.

I got the results from my chromosomal tests today - NORMAL. DH's are due in a couple days. At least its not me. I'd feel awful if DH had something wrong, but I'd like to know if that's the reason for RPL. If his test is normal, we'll go ahead with 1-2 more (DH wants 3 more) Injectable IUI cycles. Can you imagine? 10 IUIs?

We found some mini/micro-IVF in Madison. I'm following one blogger (makingmemom.blogspot.com) using this method; unfortunately, for some crazy reason it's not working for her (yet, b/c I think it will). The price is right...any thoughts on this?

3 of my co-workers are expecting. Due in September, October and November. I was the fourth one who was pregnant and would have been due in December. I have to see their growing bellies every day. Only 35 people in the office. The three of them work several feet from my desk. Some days, I'm fine. Others, it's tough. I just hope I don't start having crying jags. I would have been 12 weeks this Thursday.

Is it just me, or are most of the bloggers I'm following pregnant now? It's not fair, it seems, that I've been pregnant before them and they had to read about my pregnancies. Sad though, how the tide turned after my most recent loss. BFPs everywhere. 

With my luck, we'd get pregnant during our "break" and lose that one too. This sucks.

I'm Pathetic

Yesterday...6pm. Feeling cranky, wondering if it's legit or hormone-based. Felt boobs. They were sensitive. I've felt crampy lately.  Remembered I had 3 Dollar Tree Ovulation tests in my car along with 4 Dollar Tree HPTs. Decided to take an internet cheapie OPK. It was blazingly positive. 2 thoughts ran through my mind: (1) how am I ovulating 3 weeks after the d&c? I thought it'd be 2 weeks and I'm supposed to get AF this Friday b/c it'll have been 4 weeks since the surgery.... (2) holy shit what if I'm pregnant again ALREADY?

So I got an EPT out...kept it in the package. Doubted that I'm pregnant even though we BD'd (finally) 2 weeks after surgery. Ran down to car to get boxes of tests, DH stared at me, asked what I was doing. I said, "nothing" and ran back upstairs. Desperately tried to pee again. Got enough for an HPT and an OPK.

Guess which was positive?




....the OPK. Scared ya didn't I?


I squinted at the negative HPT (which had a fricking evap line) and told myself I was a sad, sad loser and shouldn't even be pregnant yet b/c my body needs to reset.



Then I said that I didn't care and decided to try to get pregnant again. Already. Even though our chromosome tests are on their way to the M.ay.o Clinic.



Needless to say, I'm trying to have an "oops" baby. I'm sick. I'm trying to punish myself. Why can't I just enjoy the 2 months off?


Because it's been my life to TTC for the past 33 months straight. I've been pregnant 4 times. Something's gotta stick one of these days.

Sigh. At least (TMI) our sex life is back on track. For now.

WTF Appt

Here's the plan:

Must wait till AF #2 post-D&C to start trying again. AF #1 isnt due till next week or so. Perhaps next Friday, perhaps the week after. I took an OPK on Saturday (15 or so days post-d&c) to see if I was ovulating or something to be able to better track AF's arrival (she comes 14 days after ovulation, typically no matter what). The opk was negative so I'll take one more probably tonight and if nothing then I'll just wait and see I guess.

So AF #2 should be mid-July. Fine enough.

In the meantime, I will live life and golf A LOT. I got new irons yesterday (Taylormade Burner Plus) and a new driver (Nike SQ Dymo Str8-fit Driver), a new Nike 4-wood and a new bag (also Nike) in Iowa Hawkeye colors.

Big purchase but 1/2 the price of DH's clubs he bought last year. I'm golfing 2-3 days a week now for the next several weeks with some big tournaments so I'll just enjoy that and not worry about meds, beta hells, 2wws, etc.

We are doing the karotyping/chromosomal analysis too. We'll get our blood draws done this week and get the results back hopefully before AF #2 arrives so we can finalize our decision to do 2 more injectable IUI cycles. If they don't work we'll go to IVF.

Dr. B understood our frustration with the "local" (1.5 hrs away) clinic and recommended Madison. I have been in contact with the Reproductive Center in Minneapolis but Madison is closer (2 hrs at most) and will allow all monitoring here, so we might go that route.

Dr. B said that barring any abnormal results of the testing, he believes we should be successful with an IUI. DH's parts work, I can clearly get pregnant, but Dr. B thinks we're just having awful luck.

I'll keep you all posted but I think it'll take me awhile to get back to daily posting. Lots of BFPs out there and I'm so happy for everyone who's found success after so much struggling.

I guess I'm just sad that I'm not on that journey with them right now and I kind of need to take a deep breath after miscarriage #4. It hit pretty hard. I'll try to do 1-2 posts a week. I will try to comment on other blogs, but the pregnant ones might take some time for me. I'm so sorry but again, I'm so happy for all of you.