I Hear The JAWS Theme In The Background

I'm getting minor cramps, started about 11:15 am this morning. I know AF is coming. My bbs have stopped being sore, classic sign. And that's fine. I might have started getting excited and hoped one of DH's funny-shapen, slow moving and rare spermies found my egg and we got lucky. But now I'm in a bit of limbo. At least I can call the doctor's office and schedule the dang HSG now. The thing I'm worried about is that when I was trying to schedule the ultrasound, next Thursday and Friday were booked. How will they get me in for the HSG in time? It has to be done over CD 7-10...that'd be next Tues - Fri. Geesh. Also it would be totally awesome if they had me start Clomid too so we could do an IUI this month. That would be sweet! But I'm sure they'll say no...

However, if AF doesn't come by tonight I'm taking a test tomorrow morning. I'm a bit of a masochist I think. But if I got pregnant this next cycle the baby would basically be due 10/28/09 which is kind of close to Halloween. That is okay, I'll take a baby any day. Halloween would be tough on the kid, I'd think. Christmas would be way harder though...

I told DH about the varicocele surgery. He didn't seem to excited and said I'd owe him. For what? I'm being poked, prodded, scanned, etc. I've worried, stressed, cried (countless times) planned on being a mother for almost a year and a half now. He's sat back and said to relax. Hmmm. Not to be horrible but it's technically an issue directly related to HIM! How do I owe him?!?!?! Sorry. He can be so insensitive sometimes and says things that really irritate me. I feel badly for him and I know it's a huge hit to his ego and manhood. But how do I "repay" someone for having their problem fixed? And I thought finances were the biggest problem in marriages.

Anxiously Anticipating AF

So strange! I know, right? For the past 15 months, I've dreaded her return. It meant we failed yet another cycle. But this time, her arrival means we can start more testing and move on towards better chances of success! However, since I think I o'ed on 1/9/09 and we timed bd-ing around there, it's our last chance to do it naturally, since the doc figures IUI is our best shot.

Probably a bit TMI but I'm just not feeling her yet. My nips are kind of sore and my attitude has been less than pleasant (or patient) the past few days. So I say she'll be about 2 days late. With the early arrival of AF last month by 2 days but a late ov, who knows when she'll show? The latest I'd guess is 32 day cycle. I technically o'ed three days late based on last cycle, and since my LP is typically 12-14 days, she could come tomorrow, Thursday or Friday. But I'm wearing my trusty pantiliner and have my Super tampax in my pocket (it does look weird but I never seem to be prepared on the spot at work). I keep rushing to the bathroom to check every time I feel something. How many times have I done that since I was about 12? Sometimes though, you know. The last time it was in public, I was in a golf tournament on hole #1 when I sat down and I just knew. I kinda ruined my khaki shorts and walked funny the rest of the tournament. I also only had a mini-type “light” tampon that’s meant for a tween or something. It was horrible.

But I regress…DH is less in the dumps over this dx because I called the doc’s office yesterday to get some clarity as to what his results really mean. He basically has 2 strikes out of 3. His count is low (18.5 mil; 20 mil is normal, my doc wants to see at least 50 mil); and his morphology is bad (7%; my doc wants to see 13%+…whatever that means on the count, I know what morphology is). His motility is 50% though and that’s on the line. Doc wants 50%+ and DH has 50%. We’ll take it.

The nurse I spoke with speculates that DH has a varicocele. I googled that and found it is repairable. Apparently no urologists in our area do that kind of specialized surgery (it involves a 2 inch incision and pulling the testes out of the sack to repair and then putting it back…sounds painful and includes anesthesia).

Thus we’ll have to go to UI to have a male fertility specialist examine him and diagnose him with this condition. If it is a varicocele, then once it’s repaired his count should increase and maybe the morphology will be better too. The nurse did say that they’ll be putting me on Clomid. She also said that if I have PCOS I’ll be put on Metformin and something else. I told her that I don’t have extra hairs growing or random periods. She said that I could still have it if there’s a “pearl necklace” or visible cysts growing on my ovaries. They’ll also clear things out with the HSG. I just hope I’m okay. The tests seemed to show that…
I’ll try to keep posting. I like to run from things that suck. That means that putting them in writing makes them exist.

Cancel The Baby Parade

1. My tests normal but my glucose was 103, should be 99 or below. I was put on a low-carb, low-sugar diet and I have also been ordered to get an ultrasound and HSG before moving forward.

2. Male Factor Infertility is our culprit. DH's count was pretty low and the suckers don't move very well. So this sucks.

Doctor says IUI with Clomid is our action plan. I'm still in shock. I secretely hope that a miracle swimmer caught up with a late ovulation last weekend and I got pregnant. Will find out next week of AF doesn't show. But I'm more looking forward to her arriving so we can get the HSG scheduled and get this fricking show on the road.

DH is devestated, as am I. We just don't know what to say. His dad and half-brothers are baby-making machines. We can only speculate that DH's smoking for many years and beer drinking would be a factor. He quit a year ago with me so we can't for sure say that's the problem. This sucks though. I wish the doc would order another S/A so we can see the difference. Maybe she figures its pointless b/c how this one turned out.

I'm just so upset. We've got volleyball league so I'll go enjoy my plain grilled chicken, salad and diet coke...and maybe go home for a mixer and get trashed. This blows. It could be worse, I'm well aware there are couples out there who have it way worse and we are blessed to have options. But odds haven't really been in our favor on much...ever. So we're not so confident the Clomid/IUI will work. I guess we just need to sleep on this news. For a weekend.

And What Time Was The Collection?

This morning was the appointment for my dear husband's S/A. We had to drop off the "sample" at the hospital in our town as it was much closer than driving into the city where we work, and then he could do his thing at home.

First I was up before six to shovel our driveway and sidewalk as another snowstorm dropped about five inches of white rain (snow, get it?) all over the place. So we then had to time DH's sample especially since it couldn't be dropped off until 7am. Somehow it worked and we went to the lab. The technician asked what time it was collected. DH turned beet red and cracked a nervous smile while I was the grown-up who said "6:57 am and it's written on the cup too." He giggled all the way to the car, which I must admit was cute, in an adult-acting-like-a-teenager sort of way. It was a morning experience that I really don't want to have again. We were both late to work too because of the late lab opening and the horrible road conditions. Oh well, we figured this would happen. Since we have to stay later, it'll be another Subway night because I am sooo not cooking (we need groceries) and DH needs to study for a really important licensing exam tomorrow.

We should have those results by tomorrow and my blood test results should be in today and absolutely no later than tomorrow, so we should know by the end of the week what the final plan is. Clomid is my best guess. I just pray DH's swimmers are strong. Then the problem is not his, you know? I'd feel so bad for him if he was a factor.

Oblivious To The Snow

We're in Iowa. Yesterday was a blizzard. I was not really paying attention because all I could do is think about how thrilled I am that we're getting help and I will most likely be starting Clomid in the next week or so! How exciting is that!?!?!

DH is scheduled to provide his "sample" for his s/a tomorrow. He's already whining because we had to abstain from sex or any other fun for three whole days leading up to the analysis. I kind of feel bad for him because he's used to every other day since we're TTC-ing and he's a bit stressed with work, his MBA and a licensing exam this Thursday, so all I could do was give him a hug. He'll get over it.

A couple of things I forgot to mention in yesterday's novel of a post:

1. I took an OPK around 2pm last Thursday before the appointment. It turned a darker shade and was a typical day-before-a-positve-opk result. Which means I could have ovulated over the weekend. We "did it" Friday and Saturday, just in case. I hate to waste a month, honestly. :) But my blood test results will truly show if I did "O" or not.

2. The doc gave me a bright orange folder all about infertility with several awesome things inside: the prices for all treatment (90/10 and some 50% coverage so we're looking good financially; its affordable!), three magazines called "Conceive" (are you kidding me? A magazine for TTC-ers? Yeah, and it's amazing. If I'd known about it I would have gotten a subscription. There's another one called "Conceived" once you get pregnant. I'm getting that!!!), and all the info I need on Clomid, etc. What a great doctor!

So I'm just trying to get through this week and I should get AF next Tuesday if not by next Friday, if I actually have a 14 day LP, which I doubt after last month's debacle, but who knows, right? I just don't want a 4 1/2 week cycle. I don't have time for that!

I honestly just want to get pregnant on the first cycle so I can announce it to family and friends at Easter, which would be right around the 12 week mark. It's cuter to announce around a holiday, but I'll take anything at this point. Also we see DH's brothers and their kids and my bff (his brother's gf, long story) at Easter and I want to tell them in person.

The adventure is about to really begin now.

Update

Quickly, so you don't have to read on just yet: the appointment was perfect, everything I'd hoped for and they WILL do something.

Okay. If you're not satisfied with the Cliff's Notes version, here goes:

I got there 20 minutes early, checked in. The nervous chatter didn't impress the receptionist. I must remember to not act like a dork at the doctor's office. Or anywhere else. I guess it freaks people out.

Focus...okay so I waited for 20 minutes past my appointment time, which was really pissing me off by that point, but finally they called my name. A nurse (seriously, shorter than the doctor) led me to an exam room and started asking the basics. I pulled out my blood tests for work from 2007 and 2008, then gave her my thorough listing of medical information that is highly pertininent for infertility investigation. She asked what line of work I'm in. I told her insurance. She suggested I switch careers b/c I'd be really good there. I explained that when I get interested in something, I learn everything about it short of getting a degree.

Then the doctor came in and we got to work. She asked me the questions in very simple terms. Such as, "How long after you have a positive ovulation test do you get you period?" I said, "My luteal phase? As you can see in my chart, the average is 15.5 days." She was impressed and it sped things up nicely.

Her speculation? That I am in fact not ovulating and if I am it's all over the place. She suggested Clomid. What? Yeah. Freakin' Clomid. You should have seen my big smile. I told her that I don't think I'm PCOS based on the lack of symptoms, but she said that she wanted to do some tests. So this morning, CD 21, I had SIX VIALS OF BLOOD DRAWN at 7 o'clock in the morning.

First of all, not a big needle fan. Yes, I'm well aware that I need to get used to it but six vials on day one? Not too excited about that. I made it through though. I didn't cry and I didn't faint. That's good for me. The nurse had a crummy bedside manner though. That's for sure.

The doc also wants a semen analysis from DH. I can't even begin to explain the confusion over that one. No, we both understand what it is and how it should be done. But with our 30 minute commute to the medical center and the fact that he has to come up with a sample before 7:00 am on a weekday with zero lubrication, even saliva, he'll have a tough go of it. Oh, and no sex for 3 days prior.

I should have slept wonderfully last night since he wasn't bothering me to BD when I wasn't in the mood, but my brain was not planning on shutting off anytime soon so I maybe got 3 hours of sleep last night. That sucked.

Anyways....the doctor was great. Totally positive and even said, "We can do this, we'll get you pregnant." She's testing me for an insulin deficiency in case they have to put me on Metformin and she's also testing progesterone, prolactin, FSH levels, and some other stuff. Those are the ones I remember her mentioning.

I also asked if they do beta testing and was told that if I get a positive pregnancy test, then yes they will. So yay!!! We're on our way! I should get my results tomorrow or Wednesday, and DH's s/a results should be in no later than Friday.

Thus, we will have a complete plan by the end of this week. The doc figured that we'd start the Clomid next cycle and go for 3 cycles. I just need to get my period. For the first time in 15 months, I've looked forward to getting AF. That witch will actually be my friend. One time, only one time. :)

So the doc also said that 80% of couples on Clomid like us will have success in the first 3 months. Hell yeah!!! I got pregnant once, for 4w5d. If that can happen, imagine if we jumpstart my egg-makers!?! I just hope the tests reveal that Clomid is the answer.

Don't get me started on the multiples conversation DH and I had. He was saying he doesn't want twins, necessarily because they're expensive and time-consuming and he won't have a chance to be one-on-one with his first child. I guess that's important to him. He just came off as really arrogant and thankless for any child/children we get. He later explained that if we had more than one (please not three...too many!), he would obviously be thrilled and love them. Anyone facing down first time fatherhood with impending multiples will obviously panic. I would too, don't get me wrong. So 1% chance of triplets or more and 4-10% chance of twins. The doc said in 22 years, Clomid has produced triplets only twice for her patients. Those are pretty good odds, so...away we go!!!

I'll post the blood test results once they're in. Now I can go back to getting excited about being a mom, because I really feel like it'll happen now.

What Is This?

So I went to the bathroom at lunch because, well it had been six hours and a girl's gotta pee, okay? Well lo and behold, hello CM...where have you been? You're a few days late to boot.

It's not EWCM, but it is promising. I'll take the opk in about an hour and a half, just enough time for a solid reading before the appointment. Only two hours and thirty five minutes. Clock. Must. Move. Faster.

Remember that last day of school before summer vacation? Remember 1:10 pm and you were watching the clock? Yep. Just like that. Butterflies and smiles.

D-Day and Still Not O-Day

Only seven hours and 25 minutes until my appointment. I am freakin excited! Can excitement prevent ovulation? I even brought my last test with me to take it before the appointment today. Huge negative one last night. This is unreal. The latest I've gotten a positive result was CD17. Today is CD17. If I don't ovulate, we'll have wasted a whole month. Not like it matters, see without any CM (yeah, none yet and it would be normally drying up by now) or anything, my libido is shot. I basically asked DH to "make a donation" last night b/c I wasn't in the mood but we needed to BD. He got pretty offended and asked why I didn't want to just "hop on" and get it done. I just said forget it and we went to sleep. It's not fair to either of us to force it, right? And if I'm not even close to ovulating, and we'd done it the night before, it should be fine to skip a night.

7 hrs 23 min. Tick tock, right? I googled questions as to why I'd stop ovulating this month...I'm well aware that it is normal for women to have an anovulatory cycle once in a while. But if I didn't have that over the past year, then that's a b.s. theory. Also stress was mentioned. Well I was stressed during AF, but not after. I've been super excited, and that shouldn't transfer to stress, right? If so, that's also b.s.

Not sure what to think but I am speculating that after doing all the tests, the doc might just put me on Clomid. Neat! DH and I watched a show about a couple having sextuplets (Not Jon and Kate + 8, seen it, done with it). He was like, "No way, I could never handle that!". I said there is a slim chance but still a chance that if I go on meds that it could happen. He simply gave me a look. We've had discussions about what would happen with a multiple birth, how we would feel, etc. He prefers one child at a time he says. I have fraternal twin step-sisters and I can see how having twins would have complications, etc. But I want to be a mother, and he wants to be a father, and I'm sure that everything would work out for the best.

So I'm going to try to get through work which has been dang hard all week b/c I've been so pumped for TODAY!!!! Better than Christmas!!!! Whoo hoo!!!

I'll keep you posted. Pun totally intended. ;)

One Day Left

Seriously, on Doctor's Appointment Eve, I'm pretty pumped. Hope. That's what tomorrow is, all wrapped up with a bow. Hope.



Why do I need hope right now? Because it's CD 16 and last night's opk was negative. How late will I ovulate? How much later will af arrive? Ever since Thanksgiving my cycle is becoming less and less reliable. I went from a 28 day machine to kinda iffy with extra days or less days thrown in here and there. I guarantee that stress had something to do with it. We hosted two big dinners at our house over the holidays and had tons of stuff going on. So...that must be it.



I reviewed my post from yesterday and I see that I didn't really wrap up my thoughts completely about how irrational I am about everyone having babies. Overall in my screwed up head, everyone needs to stop getting pregnant until I do. That way I don't feel like a failure. Basically that's it. It's not really about attention or limelight. It's really more about my self-esteem and frustration with our severe lack of success in the TTC world over the last 15 months. That's all. Every day when I see more celebrities getting knocked up, I get pissed. Is that healthy? I think not.



For more on the TTC front with probably a little TMI, dh and I have switched up our bd-ing process. Instead of our every other day till a positive opk which then meant every day for three-four day schedule, we are now doing it two days, then resting one, then two days, then resting one. It's more for peace of mind as well as I need a break once in a while, physically and emotionally. Also, bd-ing didn't seem like as much of a chore from August through December. I tried really hard not to be so schedule-minded about it and get in the mood. But this month? Not so much. Maybe it's the excitement of tomorrow's appointment or the feeling of utter failure and lack of hope that this month will work that is doing it.



Last cycle, I was sure I was pregnant. Really. I fell for the early PMS as pregnancy symptoms. I didn't know that it was early PMS and that af would come two days early, etc. For the first time I told someone that I thought I was pregnant. The FIRST TIME. I didn't even tell DH that I had suspicions, mainly because he would have told me to wait and see. I told the most random of all people too; a rec volleyball teammate I've known a couple of years. I asked her when she stopped playing sports once she was pregnant; she asked if I was, I said I thought I was. Thankfully she's very discreet and though she emailed me about it (she works at the same company I do) the next week to follow up and I said it was a false alarm, she responded perfectly.

So...the rest of this entry was deleted somehow and it was really long and thought provoking. It will stay in my head I guess b/c it took about 15 minutes to type it. Dangit.

I basically talked about how DH is more supportive now but I'd like a friend to talk to about this other than my mother (I really need to stop talking to her about this stuff). Also I said that if the doctor I see tomorrow sucks, there are five other doctors there and I'll just fire her and move on if I'm not happy. I got her because she had the earliest available appointment when I called to make one on December 2nd, so...we'll see.

Tonight I'll go home, take an opk and pray that it turns positive to semi-positive to show there is some LH in my system this month, like there has been for the past 12+ months (that I know of). I'll also try to have good dreams about the appointment tomorrow. I wonder if she'll draw blood right away? I will have to get ready to be a pincushion. Did I mention I hate needles? Ha ha ha ha!!!! I'm nuts right?! Oh well, needles are necessary to give birth so, here we go!

Get With The Program

So in honor of the theme of this blog, I will share my frustration with my OPKs not giving me a positive result in a timely manner. I am now at CD 15 with extremely negative ovulation tests. Nice huh? My average positive OPK cycle day is technically 15. Since I've gotten several positives on CD 16 and/or CD 17, I will be patient. But if I don't see anything in the next two days...I'll have to go buy more since I only have three left. That's really all I can do. What will pouting do, right?

Thus, I'll continue my testing regime and see what happens. I typically get home around 6:15 pm, grab the mail and run upstairs to test, and that's pretty exciting. It would still be okay for a positive tonight, tomorrow or Thursday. But here's the deal: my appointment is this Thursday. At 3:45 pm. Did I not mention that before now? It has been a bigger deal than Christmas or New Years'! I actually cared more about it than the Outback Bowl (Hawkeye fan here, look out)! Yes I have counted down the days since I made the appointment on December 2nd. I had 36 days to get more and more excited and now it's down to 2 days! (I'm mentally jumping up and down now).

Want to know how pathetic I am? See, since there was zero indication of a possible opk and I felt nauseous yesterday, I actually went online and searched if its possible to have AF (a seven day af to boot) and still be pregnant. Yeah, I know the answer. I have read every book and website about TTC. I have opk'd, bbt'd, ate healthy, drank water and tea, used pre-seed, checked my cp and cm, taken hundreds of hpts and timed bd-ing like never before. I have also prayed and smited God at the same time. I am considered normal by all accounts. DH seems to have all of the appropriate "kibbles and bits", if you know what I mean.

All we need are some tests to at least confirm that we are normal, OR, that there is a problem that is fixable. Either way, some medical intervention would be just lovely. It would also save me from losing it.

Another wonderful personality trait that will most likely be shared on this blog is my competitive nature. It's not only bizarre but most likely unhealthy. Here's a good one - DH and I had been trying about four or five months. I'd had my chemical pregnancy by then. My mom told me my brother's girlfriend was pregnant. It was an oops. Yeah. We couldn't even have an oops. I had a bit of a breakdown in front of my mom and DH that day. It was embarrassing to say the least. Why that reaction? Because I was supposed to be first. I'm the oldest (of five). I went to college, graduated. I have a great job. I got married. I have a house. See? The checklist is complete. I did everything I was supposed to as prerequisite to having a child. Let's just say my brother was on the opposite end of that spectrum. I now have a cute little nephew, and its painful to hold him but great at the same time. I'm slowly getting over it.

However, DH's younger and only sister mentioned over Thanksgiving that she and her DH might start TTC-ing as of summer 2009. He wants to start ASAP but she's only 22 (will be 23 in May) and says she's too young. This would be another sibling near the middle of the spectrum, much closer to DH and I than my brother, but still, in my opinion, not as close as she should be. Why do I feel this way? I think it might be because I hold myself to a higher standard than others. I just feel that having your sh*t together helps when actively TTC-ing. So that's how I feel and maybe I need to change, I don't know. But this stuff is just SOME of the crap in my head on a daily basis.

On the diet front, I had a cupcake yesterday. I made a bunch for Christmas (yes, almost 2 weeks ago) and they're getting stale. I should toss them but the sugar-addict in me screamed "NO!!! It's only the first day! You ate well all day, treat yourself!!!" So I did. And it didn't taste that great. And I should just throw them out. Oh well. P.S. I haven't weighed myself b/c 2 months ago I got weighed for a work thing and the number wasn't pretty (af was in town so hopefully that had a lot to do with it) so I figure I'll weigh myself when I'm ready. Right now I'm scared sh*tless b/c when I went on the wedding diet exactly 2 years ago today (we set the date on this date too), I topped out at about 205. I'm 5'10" people. I lost 45 lbs for that wedding and I looked dang hot. But I'm pretty sure I'm up 15-20 lbs since the wedding day and if it's more, then I'll just cry, most likely. So...I'll tell you when I have a Garfield/scale moment. ;)

New Year Clean Slate

Wow, that first post was theraputic. If you're in my shoes and need to get some stuff off your chest, write it down, it sure feels good. Also, I'm sure DH appreciated me not bombarding him with my frustrations with all things TTC. Though I did have a few to many drinks on Saturday night at bowling league and decided to blab all the way home how I'll never get pregnant and we should just go back to Jamaica (went there on our honeymoon), blah blah whine whine. ;)

So. Onto the new year. Resolutions?

1. Lose between 15-20 lbs. Maintain that.
2. Stop eating so much junk food! That means the chips have to go. :)
3. Cut out between 30-50% of pop drinking. I only drink diet, but since it's a majority of my liquid intake each day, that needs to stop.
4. Exercise more. Bowling league and volleyball league will not do it. And do crunches for goodness sake!
5. Keep working on not blowing up at DH when he doesn't think before he speaks/acts/breathes. I have habit of turning all Phoenix from X-Men when he so much as tugs on one of my nerves, especially when I'm PMS-ing/thinking I have pregnancy hormones but I'm always wrong.

I think five resolutions is enough. And the first four are basically the same, in a broad sense.

Oh well. So on the TTC front, only 3 days till my doctor's appt!!!! I can't explain how excited I am. I want to hug the doctor and tell her how much I've been waiting for the day to come where she can tell me what's wrong with us and what we can do to fix it. I'm a dreamer though so don't be surprised that I'd have that fantasy. Like I'd hug a doctor prematurely. Not only would it jinx the hoped-for outcome of the appointment in the first place, but I'd probably get sent to the psych ward. Sorry, getting off track. I took a couple of ovulation test strips (internet cheapies, you know, the green ones) on Saturday (CD 12 and CD 13). Saturday's barely registered as a negative and Sundays was a miniscule step up where I didn't have to squint to see the faint line.

So I'm thinking I'll be ovulating late. Great. So AF arrives two days early last cycle after being four days late the month before, and now it's back to the late crap.

I typically have had a strict 28 day cycle with a 12-14 day luteal phase. Since November, things have been off by 2-4 days. Though I am aware this is "normal" I just don't like it. I like to know when AF is coming so I'm prepared. I don't like to be surprised by the witch and she sure did a doozy on me last month. Even though the ovulation tests are negative, DH is insistent that we keep up our "efforts" a lot. I definitely need a night off though and negative tests make me feel okay about doing that. ;)