Since we got the ball rolling on our upcoming IVF in St. Louis, I've been a non-stop talking machine about all things related to IVF and what you ladies have been posting, commenting, experiencing. The only thing is, I blab to DH and nobody else. He is my best friend in the whole world and we're together every waking moment that we aren't at work. When we are working, we email.
On the way to work this morning, I kept talking about the projected dates, when we need to have the money for the IVF bills and meds, how many shots I'll be giving myself, on and on and on. I asked him why he was so quiet and he said he was sick of talking about IVF and he wanted to talk about something else.
Logically, as an obsessed infertile, I was hurt. This is my life. This is what it's come down to. Its a reflection of who I have become and who I have always been. When I take an interest in something, I research the heck out of it. Items I want to buy, movies, books, actors, singers, sports, weddings, babies.... I demand to know every single thing I can learn about my obsession of the moment.
I've wanted a baby since the day I walked down that aisle. I've read books, blogs, journal articles, phamplets, news reports, anything I could get my hands on. I've watched documentaries, video blogs, YouTube videos, movies and how-to videos. I consider myself an expert who is just shy of a licensed physician or Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have never heard of a passive infertile. If you weren't a Type-A before trying to concieve, you will become one. I have been Type-A my whole life. If I couldn't control something, I quit or tried as hard as I could to get what I wanted.
This is the first time in my life that I find myself near the end of a journey that I just knew would result in what I wanted. If you asked me three years ago if I thought I'd need IVF to concieve and carry a baby to term, I'd say no way. Now? I can hardly breathe at the thought that this last chance, this $10,000 dollar hail mary, turning over all control to a doctor hundreds of miles away.....might not work. Or that it could work and we'll lose another baby.
I'm terrified that my mental and emotional state won't survive failure. This effort - this IVF cycle - is the pinnacle of our journey together, of every single day of our marriage, starting with our vows. We don't know what marriage is like without trying to have a baby. What it's like to not live through constant disappointment and terror. Through loss and frustration. Through one person being in another place emotionally than the other. My mind is 100% focused on IVF. Every waking, even every sleeping moment is full of thoughts of "what if"s.
When DH got out of the car this morning, he sensed that I was upset that he said he didn't want to talk about IVF anymore. Not the logistics, the money, the fears or the excitment. He'd said he was sick of it.
He asked me if I was mad at him. I said I wasn't, that I was disappointed and I wouldn't make a day of it. (I tend to hold grudges, sometimes all day. Usually forever with people who wrong me. It's a terrible aspect of my personality). We kissed goodbye and he walked into work.
About 15 minutes ago, he sent me an email asking if I was still mad at him. I said I was not mad, just frustrated. Here is how he responded:
"I know, I am frustrated too not at you or anything, I'm just frustrated at the entire situation and how everything is out of our control and also not a guarantee. I am scared about what could happen and I am so excited to do this, but I just have my doubts and it is really stressing me out, which I am sure it is stressing you out as well."
See? Same thoughts as me. The difference? He keeps them to himself instead of constantly talking about it with me. We are so different yet so the same. He is able to sum up his feelings in three sentences. Is it because he's a man?
When we buy a lottery ticket, we spend our own money on that wish. We know the odds are next to zero that we will win any of that money back. But we still hope. This IVF is our lottery ticket. Instead of a dollar, it will cost $10,000. Probably more than that. What are the odds we'll get pregnant? Over 50%.
I just wish the real lottery had those odds.
BLUF
5 years ago
10 comments:
Either *I* wrote this post, or you are married to my husband. As women, we like (need!) to talk things out. Men are so opposite of that - especially your and my DH. That's why I blog . . . even if nobody is listening, I'm able to talk. I've also learned that DH doesn't talk about it much because he is worried. Men can't verbalize the same our exceptional ability :), so they just go silent.
I'm probably preaching to the choir here because I'm sure you've figured all of this out by now. Right now our IVF is the only thing I can think about, so I have to do a brain dump every now & then. Everything is difficult enough and is then compounded by IF, but somehow we keep surviving! GL!!!
I always found it hard to not talk about our cycle/treatment/anxiety/fear ect related to our IF. But I did come to realize after a while that it wasn't healthy for me or my marraige to be so singularly focused on something that may or may not work out. I know its hard but I always tried to limit myself in how much I talked to DH about everything because I didn't want our IF to consume our marraige. Try to have a couple days a week where you all don't talk about it. It won't stop you from thinking about everything, but it may help open the door for discussion about other things.
You're on my blogroll, obvs, but I found this via Creme de la Creme. I had a holiday with my husband where for two and a half weeks we had a tacit agreement and I didn't mention fertility things to him, at all. I wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but for us it really worked.
But, great post hen!
Happy new Year!!! Here via CdlC, but wanted to say that this is the kind of post that reassures me that I am not alone and that both my DH and me are totally normal in the way that we process this experience so differently.
Much luck and love to you in 2011!
-Foxy
Hahaha - my husband and I are the opposite. I would rather not discuss anything, while he wants to go on and on about whatever is bothering him. But we also feel the same things...
Here from the Creme...
My husband remained mostly silent during all our years TTC. Every now and then he would tell a story of something TTC related and roll his eyes, but it was not often.
I am sure he got sick of me prattling on about it constantly. he generally said nothing and would change the subject abruptly. I knew his meaning: "Shut up please, honey."
Good luck with this round.
(from the creme)
My husband and I are doing our last IVF lotto round this month too. I actually blogged about the importance of communication a few days ago in a "His & Her" post - but I must admit....I like your husband's reply better than my own.
Wishing you all the BEST this month and beyond. Now following from Creme de la Creme.
The "last" IVF is SO hard. The fact that it's your first one at the same time makes it so much worse. It's not surprising that both of you are having a hard time with the stress. Men and women just tend to handle things so differently. It was the same with my husband and me.
Best of luck with your cycle. I hope it's the last one you ever need!
I've never talked much about it with my husband. But I've blabbed online forever.
Good luck!
(Arrived from the crème de la crème list)
It's funny how differently men and women tend to deal with things. I know me and my guy process things very, very differently. The one thing we do the same is take on the negative energy of the other. So usually we only get two to three days at most of feeling down on things before we start to pull the other down with us. Then we usually see what we're doing to each other and snap out of it, buoying each other back up. I'm glad you and your husband can communicate with each other about these things, even if you feel comfortable taking different avenues. As long as you're communicating, that is all that matters.
Congrats on the BFPs! I read your history, you have really been on the crappy side of the statistics so far. I'm so sorry for all your losses. I can't imagine going through that pain. I hope this is your sticky bean! Good luck!
Creme de la Creme #125
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