7w?d, 4d? I Dunno.

1. Thank you to all the ICLW visitors. I have been pushing myself to do this and I can't for the life of me figure out why blogging is suddenly the most scary thing in the world to me.

2. I'm scared to blog. I'm scared to comment and check other blogs. I've passed 3 out of 4 milestones (passed 3 out of 4 previous pregnancies) and the closer I get to #4 milestone (or if you'll remember, pregnancy #2) all I can do is remember when the "bad" stuff started and how it all went downhill from there. I was eating peaches 'n cream instant oatmeal this morning and I remembered I was eating that the morning I lost #2 at 9 weeks. I mostly remembered throwing it up in the ER. Tomorrow, based on the fetal pole measurement last Friday, I will be 7w5d. That was when the spotting started for pregnancy #2. Listen, I'm not trying to "hijack" this pregnancy. I don't want to doom it. I would like a goddam kid out of this for once. I am sick all the time and the Zofran has me so dang constipated that my insides are playing out every fight scene from every action movie I've ever seen. (I'm not complaining, please believe me.)

I have been quietly checking on everybody during this time and seeing some successes and I'm so thrilled for those ladies but there are also some heartbreaking losses and I'm so incredibly sad and angry about all of it. I'm honestly half-expecting myself to be back where I started instead of this pregnancy succeeding. Why shouldn't I feel this way? I don't know anything else but failure. Sure its not my fault, but still.

I don't get weekly ultrasounds because I have an HMO, which runs the entire medical practice I go to, who is a big dick and won't cover "unnecessary" things like a weekly u/s for a "habitual aborter". My local ob/gyn told me to call his OB nurses and tell them I'm spotting/cramping (none of which has or should be happening soon) and they'll get me in for an u/s and that way the insurance will pay for it. I told him I'll likely do that every other week. Um, I want it every week please. But I guess I have to be reasonable.

As for the prenatal care, that's the HMO again. Sure they cover it, but I have a huge deductible and the insurance calendar year is school-year based because DH works for a University. Thus, the deductible starts over in June. The medical provider wants payment for all doctors fees, exams, etc prior to the baby's birth. Thus they want me to start a payment plan for all this crap. Like I told 'em: I want to get out of the first trimester first please. And screw your payment plan which is as big as my student loan payment; I'll pay the invoice in full each month. Dicks.

Overall I refuse to get ahead of myself. Sure I g.oogle stuff every day like "embryo size 7w3d" or "belly pics 16 weeks" so I can get an idea of how big I might be for my step-sister's wedding if this baby sticks around that long.

I'm just too scared. Thankful but scared.


3. I'm dreading my step-sister's wedding. I'm sure she only asked me to be a bridesmaid because she was one for our wedding. She's forcing us to wear these ugly dresses and horrible matching shoes - because her wedding wouldn't be "perfect" if all the bridesmaids weren't wearing 2+ inch heels with a narrow front and open toes with teal nail polish on our toes (also required) and huge fake flowers in our hair. She's a freakin' bridezilla, I tell ya. I'm hoping she kicks me out of the wedding because our close friend is getting married on 4/2/11 and my step-sister just decided last weekend she wants her shower and bachelorette party to be on 4/2/11. Guess who's bachelorette party I'm skipping? Yeah I don't wanna go anyways. The bridesmaids are bitches. I hate the maid-of-honor, and I don't even like any of my step-sisters anymore. Stupid 4/23/11 wedding on Easter weekend. I don't wanna go. Did I mention I had to force her to write down her shower and bachelorette guest list last Saturday so we could then actually book a place for her shower and know how big of a bus to rent for the party? Yes she is demanding a bus. With coolers of beer in it. Demanding.

4. My belly is really bloated and buttoning/zipping my pants at work has become "optional". I'm glad I have an office with a door. I think the bloating is due to the following: heparin shot bruising = pain, constipation, gas, baby (?), laziness of sucking in my gut. It's all theory.


That is all.

For now.

I'll keep updating.

I promise.

ICLW February 2011 - Consider This Cherry Popped

First ICLW for me - I'm proud that I'm doing this, especially in the wake of some kind of sudden blogging depression/fear that I'm experiencing. So here is my story:


My husband and I got married on November 9th, 2007 and we started trying for a baby that night. Fast-foward five months to Pregnancy #1 in March 2008, lasting 12 hours and ending in a chemical pregnancy. We continued trying for another year using OPKs, timed intercourse and Pre-seed. That resulted in Pregnancy #2 in March 2009 but ended at 9 weeks in a sudden and traumatic miscarriage after many ultrasounds of a healthy pregnancy with a strong heartbeat each time and a healed sub-chorionic hemaetoma.

We began fertility treatment later that summer of 2009. Our doctor told us the day of our first IUI (w/ Clomid) that my husband's count (2 million motile post-wash) was too low and that we'd need IVF/ICSI, we were devastated. We'd known his count was low but not that low. That IUI failed. My husband did not want to do IVF so we continued with IUIs and he saw a Fertility Urologist who put him on 50 mg Clomid every other day. His count increased after three months and we concieved on our 3rd IUI but that ended up being ectopic and rupturing the day after Thanksgiving which resulted in emergency surgery for me but they saved my right tube. I switched doctors within the OB/GYN practice at that point as I wanted to get more aggressive with treatment. IUI #7 with injectables was another "winner" in April 2010 but after not seeing a fetal pole by 7 weeks it was deemed a blighted ovum. That was another surgery I had to endure.

We decided at that point that maybe IVF was the way to go. We had one bad visit with a local clinic and hated it so we kept doing IUIs while we were in limbo. I came across a Newsweek article about a clinic in St. Louis, Missouri called The Fertility Partnership where the cost was nearly 50% of most clinics and the doctor cared about the patients and their well-being, not becoming rich off the process. We decided to stop by the clinic on our way from Iowa to Arkansas for a cousin's wedding and we loved the look and the people. I had a phone consult with the doctor the day after my birthday and we scheduled a trip to the clinic for mid-October 2010. After a wonderful meeting with the doctor and his staff, we knew we were in. We did many more blood tests and I had a Laparascopic/Hysteroscopy with Tubal Dye Study and was diagnosed with Endometriosis Stage I-II but clear tubes.

We traveled back and forth from Iowa to St. Louis this January and completed our first IVF cycle (all out of pocket) and received many new diagnoses from the treatment. I apparently make terrible eggs (weak "shell") and possibly have a clotting disorder in addition to Natural Killer-type cells. Finally my AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone) level is below a 2.0 and that shows Ovarian Dysfunction.

IVF #1 included 20 follicles, ICSI and Assisted Hatching, 4 embryos that made it to the 3 day transfer, 2 transferred embryos, no frozen embryos. Today, I am 7 weeks pregnant with a singleton whose heartbeat was confirmed on an ultrasound last Friday at 6 weeks 5 days. We are extremely hesitant to get too excited and are taking this day by day, but obviously we are beyond thankful to be expecting and hope so much that we have a take-home baby in October 2011.

Thanks for stopping by!

Call Me Dr. Frankenstein...

...because, IT'S ALIVE!!!!!

Measuring a day ahead at 6w5d, 7.1 mm, heart rate of 131 bpm.

I cried. DH said that there's no crying in baseball.

We were then hugged, congratulated, and then ushered to the patient accounts office where they nearly stopped my heart with the total cost of prenatal care (which must be set up an a payment plan, apparently).

I told them to shove it till we make it out of the first trimester. For once.

Can you believe it? I barely could.

I get another u/s in a couple of weeks - though the doc said I'll have to say I'm spotting and worried so that insurance covers it.

Still very sick, got a Zofran Rx. If this gets worse I'm in for a doozy.

Thanks for the well wishes and while we're still holding our breaths, we got to exhale a little today.

6w2d

Sorry that its been a few days. I'm just so nervous to do daily posts because they'll all say the same thing:

I'm happy and thankful each and every moment that I'm pregnant.
I'm sick as a dog (morning sickness), throw up/dry heave all day.
I'm terrified that I'm not getting a take-home baby.

I hate to be redundant so I'll sum it up in those three items.

Next ultrasound is this Friday at 10:30 am - with my local doctor. We should hear/see a heartbeat because I'll be 6w4d with an embryo that might still be measuring a day ahead. We'll see I guess.

Funny: when I called the local office to set up the u/s, I reached Old-Lady-Nurse in the Fertility Department who knows NOTHING about IVF or for that matter, most fertility treatment. All past conversations with her have been infuriating. She specifically asked when my transfer was. I told her it was on 1/20. I added that the retrieval was on 1/17 and that I had a Day-3 transfer. She said that on Friday I'll be barely 6 weeks. I tried to correct her. She said I was wrong. Way to use the transfer date as the "ovulation" date. Why are you in the OB/GYN's infertility department?

Anyways, here's a picture of last Saturday's ultrasound:

The fetal pole is at the top of the yolk sac, looks like a long, skinny "x".
Was measuring 3.1 mm.

We didn't see anything other than a yolk sac with the blighted ovum last May. So we're beating the last pregnancy, yay us I guess. I didn't realize till Saturday that this is only the second actual "baby" we've seen on an ultrasound in five pregnancies. I hope its still there in 2 days with a beating heart. I don't know what I'll do if this goes badly.....

I'll catch up on my commenting soon, I'm just really holding my breath till Friday.

All Has Been Revealed

One gestational sac. One yolk sac. And one amazing fetal pole. Measuring one day ahead at 5w6d. Sooo close to seeing the heartbeat. So happy!

U/S #1 Tomorrow Morning....What Oh What Will We See?

I'm so terrified that tomorrow won't go well. We're going all the way back down to St. Louis (staying 2 nights at DH's insistence) for this ultrasound after only two betas (I'm used to 4 betas) and I'm so scared that we'll get the rug pulled out from under us like last year (pregnancy #4).

I had a dream last night that we were doing the ultrasound with Dr. S and there were two gestational sacks, two yolk sacs and two fetal poles. I was so happy. Then I woke up. You know I've been checking TP every time I go to the bathroom? Every time I've been pregnant something has happened - so I keep an eye out for a repeat occurrence of something bad from previous pregnancies. I don't want to be caught off guard again. At least not for a fifth time.

So today, at 5w4d I will enjoy this pregnancy for everything that it is and just hope that tomorrow goes smoothly.

Did I mention that I've felt sick for the past week? Quite nauseous. I'm a Saltines girl and they've been my best friends for the past 7-8 days. I haven't thrown up yet because I'm still in the stage where I can hold it in. I remember in pregnancy #2 by the time I got to 7 1/2, 8 weeks I couldn't keep it in anymore and was throwing up a lot.

I'll be 6 weeks on Monday and I wonder how much longer I'll make it without full-on bonding with the porcelain queen? Car rides are the worst - we have a 40 minute commute each way for work so that's hard enough. Can you imagine a 5 hour car ride like that? I'll bring some bags with me I guess. And snacks. Lots of snacks. I know morning sickness is a good sign, but I had it last spring and still had a blighted ovum so I'm not going to get too hung up on the odds that getting sick means healthy baby. But it came on so quickly and has progressed so fast that I'm wondering if this "version" of m/s is a good sign. I guess we just won't know for awhile.

I thought I'd amuse you with some funny stuff, since its been a while. We could call it Friday FAILs but I can't promise consistency:

So being pregnant with a "human" baby and feeling sick

because of it makes me feel like what?

Should I not feel human right now?

Or "Drizzle". Terrible name for a baby. Sorry Finn.

I'll probably be saying this in a few weeks, especially if its twins.

It'll bug the hell out of my husband.

*Question: Is it bad that I got my husband's V-Day card

at the Dollar Tree? It's super-cute!

My cats do this kind of stuff too, but behind things like

my shoes, or the leg of a chair.

Mmmm. I bed my cats would love some Cat'sHit.

I'm not a dog person but even I feel bad for the guy.

Cats are bitches and they get sh*t done.

Thats why they get to sleep where they want to I guess.

Life Feels Like A Bunch Of Constant "Countdowns" These Days

2 days. 21 hours. 58 minutes. That's how long (right now) I have to wait till our first ultrasound. I've passed Milestone #1 and on Saturday will have reached Milestone #2. Its all I can seem to think about. We're basically convinced we're having twins - way to put the big fat cart in front of the horse, right? See, we can't see us affording IVF again after even one baby, so I guess selfishly we're hoping for twins so we can complete our family. I can't possibly be the only infertile whose thought this way though, right?

I have to let you all know that I stumbled across this blog today: I Want To Be A Daddy, written by Alec. He recently started the blog and is taking us through their journey one step at a time and I find his writing so helpful as it gives the husband's perspective of an infertile life with losses and heartbreak. I highly recommend you take a look!


In other news, I received my prize from LisaB's giveaway she had on her blog The Pursuit of Pregnancy!

As soon as I saw the package in my mailbox I knew that was it so I tore it open and spent the rest of the night pouring over it - lots of info, for sure. I even showed DH some pictures and while he was pretty grossed out, this whole IF experience has made the female reproductive system much less of an "ick-factor" for him to look at. Thanks for the book, Lisa!

In work news, I've been working on trial prep for case and it's gotten pretty intense. Basically we hate the opposing attorney and she's making everything we do a hassle and a headache. I can't wait till the judge hears about it and throws the book at her. Small-town Iowa, you'd think that we wouldn't have to deal with the schenanigans of big-city lawyers, but apparently we do.

Overall I'm just trying to make it through each day, worried all the time that something bad will happen. Will we have a sudden miscarriage like pregnancy #2? A blighted ovum (or two?) like pregnancy #4? DH wants me to switch to suppositories because he hates giving me the shots (it takes me a 1/2 hour to get myself psyched up for the PIO every night, it's sad) and said he will be begging Dr. S to have me switch over to suppositories as soon as possible.

I don't feel comfortable quitting the shots that early though because I feel like its working and it cancels out a possible progesterone issue if I'm getting so much now. My levels haven't even been tested and I don't want to worry about anything happening if I go off them too soon. Dr. S will give us his advice and I trust him. But I'm scared not to do PIO till at least 8 weeks. Can anyone give me some advice?

Finally I want to send a shout out to all you supporters out there leaving me comments, thoughts and overall encouragement. It makes me feel really good to know there are people out there rooting for us. So thank you again! Soon I will be able to blog about things other than pregnancy, I'm just on edge because of four prior losses. I'm sure you can understand and sadly, some of you can relate.

Beta #2 *Updated with graph

16dp3dt: 1226 mlU/ml!

Doubling time of 35.5 hours.

Dr. S said no more betas, next step: ultrasound #1!

Either I'm havin' twins or an overachieving singleton.

Ultrasound next Saturday, 2/12/11 in St. Louis at 7:30 am. Deep breaths, people.

4w4d/15dp3dt - What A Beta Day

Whew! Yesterday was nutz! Work was crazy, I barely got to eat anything till dinner, and I was up before 5am.

Today is a different story. I finally know that I am pregnant, the number seems to rule out ectopic or a CP (so far), and I'm just so ready to move forward and make it past all my other pregnancy "dates".

If you are not an RPL victim like I am - and I say victim because I didn't do anything wrong - then you always keep track of when the pregnancies ended. Here are my dates/milestones for me to get past for this pregnancy:

4w5d - Pregnancy #1 which was a chemical, ended at midnight at four weeks five days.
5w4d - Pregnancy #3 which was ectopic, ended on this day due to rupture and I had emergency surgery.
7w0d - Pregnancy #4 which was a blighted ovum, ended with a D&C. Might've been 6w5d but what's the difference?
9w0d - Pregnancy #2 which was a sudden loss after seeing the heartbeat consisistently for 3 weeks. Awful.

Once I get to Sunday, I will have reached Milestone #1. It will likely be the easiest of the four. Making it past Milestone #4 doesn't guarantee us anything, but I will surely breathe quite the sigh of relief.

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Question: does anyone know what the hell happened to babymed.com's beta graph capabilities? I tried yesterday to make one on their site and it would not work at all!  I just wanted to see the progression and whether yesterday's beta of 471 mlU/ml was near the twins range. Here's one I made myself based on last year's pregnancy's chart that I saved. Because I'm nuts:

I figure there's still a shot of having twins. At least I'm not below the "average" line. I feel good so far.

But only so far. :)


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Last but not least, I'm finally doing my first ICLW this month! I hope it goes well. I feel like such a an IF virgin when it comes to this stuff! 2010 was my first Creme, now I'm doing ICLW. What's next?

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I have just gotten back into Grey's Anatomy recently after quitting the show during the whole ferry disaster in season 3 or whatever. I want to rant a little here as an IF-er (SPOILER ALERT, LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE):
Calliope is pregnant, maybe 5-6 weeks along. She bugs an MFM/OB/GYN for an ultrasound, everything's fine but she's told it's too early to hear a heartbeat. Drama drama drama.....later this doctor tells her that you can't even hear/see a heartbeat till "at least 8 weeks".
WTF?!?!?! Lies. All lies I tell you. First the "hostile uterus" crap by Meredith and now incorrect info as to heartbeats and ultrasounds? There was a scene where Mark (baby daddy) went to McDreamy and dropped the pregnancy bomb and asked for advice. I loved this: Shepherd said that he and Meredith have been trying for months with no luck and Mark looks at a chick and she's knocked up. You should have seen Shepherd's face when he got the news. Nice to see a man's reaction for once to a preggo announcement.

Still though. 8 weeks!?

14dp3dt - Has Your IVF Doctor Called You Lately?

I have so much to say that I can't even organize it into a coherent thought!

First of all, beta results.



471!!!!


The husband and I are thrilled with this result! Last year, with the doomed blighted ovum pregnancy, the level at 17dpo (today) was only 136 mIU/ml. I think we're doing much better than that, don't you? Beta #2 is this Saturday with u/s #1 tentatively scheduled for next Saturday, 2/12.

I have to say this and I hope that someone googles my blog or my clinic and sees this:

Fertility Partnership is the best IVF clinic EVER!!!!!!

My doctor called me last night because he'd read my post about the PIO info I'd been given by someone at the clinic. I don't know if you saw this, but he actually commented on that post:

"As Medical Director of Fertility Partnership I would like to say that PIO can not cause a false positive hcg. I would like to know what individual on our staff actually said that to you so that they may be reeducated.

The LH/HCG trigger can give false positives if testing is done very early. We draw the test on the day we do for number of reasons that I will share with you when you come in.

Having said that ......Congratulations.!!!"

February 1, 2011 8:51 PM

When I read that comment my heart dropped. I thought I'd gotten someone in trouble, that they were mad at me, that I'd upset someone, etc. I felt so incredibly bad. But then I remembered why I have this blog: to share, to vent, to document. I re-read my post and realized that I was simply venting and hadn't mentioned this person's name or anything. I am spoiled by my local clinic for early betas because I'm sure they give in due to being sick of hearing me call them all the time! I should have waited and been happy that I wasn't in beta hell all week. But I still felt bad. I didn't even know that my doctor was the one who had commented!

So when he called me last night, he wanted to straighten out the confusion about the PIO shots. He clarified that this was not true, just as he'd said in his post and we talked about why they do betas at 14dp3dt (to have a way to track results across the board, on the same day). He answered all my questions, we shared jokes and he said that he'd seen my pictures and that I was definitely pregnant. He was so congratulatory and helpful and all I almost cried because while I almost felt like I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar, I was so happy that he is such an honest and upfront man who would take time out of his evening just to call me about something like this.

I have had many doctors in my lifetime. None have EVER shown me the care and respect that Dr. Simckes has and I'm beyond grateful for that. His care has been above and beyond that of any physician (or even dentists) that I have come into contact with. If I wasn't "in the closet" about our infertility, I would come "out" online and in public today to proclaim how proud and honored I am to have him as my RE. I wish that I lived closer so he could be my all-time OB/GYN and deliver my baby/babies. I'll tell you what though, if I can get through the first trimester, even past viability: I'm having an official coming out on Facebook. I can't wait to tell others about all of this and to advise anyone who will listen that you don't need to spend $24,000 at the clinic closest to you for a 3 fresh + 3 frozen cycle plan that doesn't include monitoring or labs. You don't have to pay a fee for asking to do local monitoring since you only live an hour away from that expensive clinic. You shouldn't be told you will only be allowed to transfer one embryo, even if you fight for two.

We were involved in every single step of our treatment. I asked questions, I questioned answers, and everything that was happening to me was explained and I was comforted. I got hugs and high fives. I walked out of each appointment knowing that the FP staff cared about me and our future babies.

Our decision to drive back and forth to St. Louis from Northeastern Iowa for this IVF treatment was one of the best we've ever made and we are both elated that thanks to Dr. Simckes and his staff at Fertility Partnership, we are, according to him, "Royally pregnant!!!!"

By the way, he called me HIMSELF to deliver my beta results and discuss where we go from here. Are you kidding me?!?!? Sure, a call from one of their awesome nurses would have sufficed, but he called me himself. How cool is he!?

So congrats to me, congrats to my husband, and congrats to the Fertility Partnership for (so far) another success story!!!!

http://www.facebook.com/fertilitypartnership
www.fertilitypartnership.com/

13dp3dt/16dpo

No, you're not crazy. The test line is stealing dye from the control line.

I can't believe beta #1 is tomorrow.

Finally.

I was home for an unintended snow day today because we were literally snowed in and couldn't use our vehicle. I guess I'm working on Saturday.

13 hours and 43 minutes.

Holy beta folks, I wonder what it's gonna be?!?!?!

12dp3dt/15dpo - Lets Talk About My Gay Cats

HPT madness at the bottom if you're interested. Right now, I'd like to have a discussion about feline homosexuality.

I have three cats. Two are male. One is female (but still a kitten). Our two male cats are super-gay. If they would let me put collars on them, they would each have rainbow collars with tons of bells. I support my gay cats but I discourage them when their intimacy makes me uncomfortable. For example: Milo (gray cat) began a little foreplay with Jack (black and white cat) the other day which turned into a full on porno in about 5 minutes. It was pretty disturbing. Jack makes some interesting noises.

So I got out my phone camera and videotaped it. 'Cause I'm gross I guess. But I kept laughing.

Jack is like my best girlfriend. He loves my hair and wants to play with it all the time. He's hugely dramatic and picky and a bit dainty. He's a huge queen. I think he sometimes questions his sexuality because he will occasionally cuddle with little Bella. But Milo always brings him back and I find them making out somewhere.

Here are some pictures of my gay, gay cats.

I kept the pictures clean. But I've got a stash of gay cat porn if you're interested. I wonder if Bella will turn lez? At least I know she won't be getting bugged by the boys. Did I mention the lovely couple is neutered? I think the vet missed a nut or two.

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Thanks for all the support yesterday. I felt like I was crazy after that phone call but now I know that it's all bullshit. I'll definitely be bringing that to Dr. Simckes' attention next time I talk to him.

Below is a picture of last night's FRER addition. I'm only using them at night now. It's still a bit of crack to me I suppose. I also use ICs and $tree tests. The $tree tests are fun because they keep getting darker and darker. I think I've maxed out the FRERs and Answer tests. The dye is starting to make the test line darker now.

Symptoms: heartburn, cramping, motion sickness (if I'm hungry and in a car, I will feel sick), sore boobs, constant hunger, tired all.the.time. I just did a boob check. Yep. Still sore. I know its probably the PIO causing it but still, it is a welcome but painful symptom.

I'm impatiently counting the hours till Beta #1 - do you have any guesses as to what my 14dp3dt/17dpo beta will be with 2 transferred embryos and a super-early BFP with a digital at 6dp3dt? I have no clue. I'm shooting for 500+. The median beta at 17dpo on http://www.betabase.com/ is 580 for twins. Singleton beta for 17dpo is 285 but I'd be surprised if it was below 500. Honestly. The FRERs have been dark since 9dp3dt.

We'll see I suppose.  In the meantime, I'll keep on keepin' on. And trying to survive the blizzard heading our way!



11dp3dt - Here's One For The IF Books

Sigh.

First I have to gather myself after the conversation I had with the IVF clinic today. Wow.


I called to let them know what's been going on with the HPTs and all that and here's what I was told:

"It might be the PIO causing the positives though. You have been on PIO shots, right? Yeah they can cause false positives and that's why we prefer that patients don't test at home and instead wait for the beta. I mean, if they're positive then you're likely pregnant, but we don't want to risk it."

I asked for the beta to get moved up. That got shot down. What the hell?

I called my local doctor's office and asked to set up a beta for tomorrow and Thursday and I was told they won't do it without orders from the IVF clinic. I said I only had orders for this Thursday's beta and I was asked to fax that over.

Have any of you heard of this theory? Home pregnancy tests do not test for progesterone, only HCG. They are two completely different hormones! I'm not buying that crap but I guess I have no choice but to wait for Thursday's draw.

This sucks and kind of pisses me off. I've NEVER read anything, anywhere, about Progesterone In Oil supplementation causing false BFPs. Also, I was on progesterone suppositories after every IUI and I NEVER had a false positive.

This is unreal.

I won't post any pictures of HPTs today because I don't have my cell phone. Also, the test line is getting darker than the control line so what's the point? Also I've had AF-type cramping since Saturday, my nips hurt a lot and I pee all the time. I have heartburn once in a while and I'm starving all the time.

Could be PIO, fine. But don't tell me that it's causing my HPTs to be falsely positive. Puh-leeeze!

10dp3dt - Just More HPT Pics

I'm probably going to beg for an added beta for this Tuesday (12dp3dt) to go with Thursday's beta.

Taken Saturday 1/29/11, 9dp3dt

Taken Sunday 1/30/11, 10dp3dt

You might not be able to see it, but the test lines are as dark as the control lines. I don't know why I continue to test...but I'm now out of FRERs and Answers and I have coupons, so I'll be going to the drug store later today. Before my nap. I'm exhausted.

Good lord am I eating for 3 now?


That would be pretty awesome.

8dp3dt - Blog Award #2!

I would again like to thank Bridget at The Lost Stork for this award, and it is only my second one since my blogging adventure began waaay back in 2008. I'm honored. 

This award acceptance is very similar to my first award but with a twist, read on:

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.  *Thanks again Bridget!!!
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers (this is the twist!).
4. Make sure you contact these bloggers to let them know about the award


Here are 7 more things about me:

1. I care about animals more than humans. I can't watch movies or TV where an animal is hurt or killed.
2. DH and I are college sweethearts. We met and fell in love when I was a sophomore and he was a freshman (December 2002).
3. People sometimes have a hard time believing I'm 28. I was asked what "grade" or "year" I was in school just last summer. Apparently I am aging well or I don't know how to carry myself as a grown woman.
4. I'm very bossy. I like things done my way on my terms. That makes it hard to get along with other people. Especially medical professionals. *snort*.
5. I didn't have many friends and was pretty much socially tortured in elementary school or junior high, except for a handful of wonderful girls who made it bearable. I'll always be grateful to them for accepting me for who I was back then. Its a long story.
6. I have many issues with FB and how much people share. Between my 25 year old brother and sister-in-law's mushy and inappropriate exchanges and my 14 year old cousin's oversharing, along with stupid pregnancy announcments and updates, I wish the whole thing could be shut down. But I like FB page stalking to see how people are doing without "friending" them. I'm terrible.
7.  I've gone through this horrible IF journey so far with few family or friends to make me feel supported or that I'm not alone and I'm so happy now to be a part of such a special community where support is never too far away. Besides, I get more satisfaction in following other women's stories and letting them know I'm here for them too, because we're all together in this, one way or another.

And without further ado (where did that saying come from by the way?), I would like to introduce 15 blogs that I've recently found and really enjoy following (without repeating those who've already received this award):

1. Infertile Follies
2. Viva la Vida
3. Banking On It
4. The Mensing Baby Adventure
5. Zero to Baby
6. Fearlessly Infertile
7. Beckie's Infertility Journey
8. Park Slope Purgatory
9. Project Baby
10. hope4joy
11. Wishing for the Gift of Life
12. The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita
13. Baby Talk
14. Life and Love with the Bradleys
15. .:. Carpe Diem .:.

Thanks again!

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I'm not sure how many of you follow Jane at Infertile Follies or LisaB at The Pursuit of Pregnancy but they both had rough beta days yesterday. Please go show them some love because we've all had bad IF days and the support, at least to me, has helped a lot.

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Whatever's going on inside my ute has continued so far. Here's proof with this morning's test with yesterday's tests. Also the $tree tests have begun to show positives. Finally, stupid cheap asshats.

This mornings shot of test progressions. I clearly have a testing problem.

If they didn't keep changing color I might stop. I could stop if I wanted to.

You can't have an intervention if you can't find me. Neener.

My package of ICs came in the mail yesterday so I peed on lots of stuff last night,

the picture above being Exhibit A.

So when I test every 12 hours, its with three different tests now instead of just two.

I'm obsessed! Do you think there's rehab for this? 

 

The PIO shots are getting better. The movement to the top of the Sharpie circles on my butt instead of the lower half is such a big improvement. So here's my tip ladies about to start PIOs: the higher up on the butt, the better. Apparently the fatty part of our asses doesn't like needles or oil.

Finally, I told DH I'd blog about this but I'd forgotten to do so till now. When I got my IV in and was waiting to go into the ER, he was standing next to my bed and holding my non-IV hand. He kept swinging it back and forth till it hit my boob. Then he did it again. I asked him if he was really trying to cop a feel before one of the biggest days of our lives, and he said, "um, yeah?".   I wasn't surprised. At least it distracted me from all the blood on my IV hand and the nervousness of the occasion.

He's not handling the "pelvic rest" rule right now. I'm not feeling sexy or intimate at all these days and the more I turn down his advances, the more he keeps doing sweet things to take care of me and our house. I feel like the worst wife ever! I'm getting there. The heparin injections are taking their toll on my belly though. I'm running out of room for needle spots and I'm supposed to "pinch an inch" before injecting and all I'm pinching is bruises! Its all worth it now though. I'm freakin' pregnant.

For now, at least. I'll probably if I'll ask to push up my beta till next Monday (11dp3dt or 14dpo) for a Tuesday draw, followed by the already scheduled Thursday draw. I don't know if I can keep peeing on sticks and not know what my betas are!

7dp3dt - Want The BFP Scoop?

It is my rule to take a picture with a positive digital, so I did last night. As part of that rule I post it on my blog. I can't tell what kind of face I'm making but I remember still being in a bit of shock. 

I mean, come on, right? What the whaaaat?

6 days past a 3 day transfer and I'm getting positive digis?

Here's how this played out:

I started testing with FRERs at 4dp3dt. I wanted that trigger to be gone. GONE gone. Well that was at 9 days past the trigger and I saw such a faint line (see: turning 90 degrees at a time and tilting under bright lights) on that FRER on Monday that I figured it was still the trigger and hoped that by Tuesday (5dp3dt) the test would be completely negative. So I was using Dollar Tree tests and FRERs about every 12 hours since Monday night. And I want to say that Dollar Tree tests blow. I quit using those things. Sure I was seeing something, but if I'm getting positives on FRERs and Digitals, the dang cheapos should be pretty clearly postitive, right? Man!

Anyhow, Tuesday morning I tested in the AM (5dp3dt) with a Dollar Tree and it looked faint or negative so I quit caring and moved on with my day, totally bummed, convinced that this whole thing had failed.

THEN: I tested after work with a Dollar Tree test Tuesday night (5dp3dt). Now I would be posting pictures of all of these but my freakin' phone cam sucks so much that they're all blurry. Besides, I barely saw the second line that night myself. Also, and here's the kicker: I took a digital EPT that night and it said, "Not Pregnant". I was disappointed but not surprised. I mean, come on. BUT: that meant the trigger was definitely gone.

I was really confused because I was seeing a second line the evening of 5dp3dt. That's waaaay too soon, right? But I showed DH and he said he saw it, barely, and we both got a little excited. That was my major attitude adjustment that I'd mentioned in my Wednesday morning post.

I tested yesterday morning, the dawn of 6dp3dt. It was positive. There was no mistaken that light pink line. I woke DH up before his alarm and told him....I couldn't believe it! This was really happening! But I didn't want to blog about it because I was worried that I'd get a comment that it was too early and my happy bubble would burst. I just wanted to enjoy the day while I could, just in case it popped when I got home.

We went to the drug store last night to refill my Folgard 2.2 and I decided to pick up another box of FRERs (3 tests inside, not 2!) and a box of Answer tests, just for fun (2 in that box) and we went home, oblivious as to what was about to happen. I went upstairs and used a dollar tree test and an FRER. The DT was sucky. Waste of a dollar. The FRER? Best yet. That second line was much more pink than that morning's test.

Then I said, "Fuck it.", and went and grabbed the last digital I had of the two I'd been saving since the last pregnancy shit-storm from Spring 2010. It was a Clearblue Easy digital and those suckers are hard to get a BFP with, trust me.

I set it down with the hourglass flashing, taking pictures of the positive FRER (again, at 6dp3dt! What is going on?!?!?), when I saw it.

PREGNANT.

My hand flew to my mouth and I started crying. I couldn't believe it, but it had to be true. So I grabbed the FRER and the CBE and put them in my robe pocket and went downstairs where DH was doing some dishes (he has been so flippin' sweet these days I hope I reward him handsomely when I'm feeling less like a fat pincushion) and I stuck the FRER in his face, nicely, and asked if he saw "it". He said it was much darker and he could see it. Then I got out the CBE and showed him and he smiled and said something about it being great and I started crying again and asked for a hug. I didn't care if his hands were wet, we hugged and I cried and I told him that I was so happy. He laughed at me for crying but he knew I was emotional and hormonal. I also reminded him I felt so much pressure because all the money we spent was his retirement money, that this was our one shot for a long time. (By the way, for the rest of the night I clutched that CBE and kept checking it because I thought it would suddenly say NOT PREGNANT. Tell me nobody's thought this, please. I can't be that nuts.)

Then I went and took some more pictures and then, as you know, I blogged because I had to let you all know. But I want to say this: I have seen so many BFPs on blogs over the past 3 years that have been slaps in my face. It wasn't anything that the ladies said or did, but a reminder to me that I didn't have it. This is not an obligatory apology to anyone, but I have been on the other end of failure for so long that for one moment last night, it was amazing to be able to share some good news for once. Who knows how this will turn out?

It's my fifth pregnancy. I'm trying not to be superstitious or worrisome about it. I feel confident - for now - because of the following:

This is the earliest BFP I've ever gotten. By a long shot.

Dr. Simckes has me on Prednisone (to "fix" the probable NK cells that might have been killing other babies).

Dr. Simckes has me on Heparin (to "fix" the probable clotting disorder that I might have).

Dr. Simckes has me on PIO (to make sure that I get plenty of Progesterone in case I ever had an issue with that).

I'm on Folgard and Rx-strength prenatals.

I had fluid in my uterus 11 days before the transfer and he cleared it out.

I had a tiny dot of fluid again on retrieval day but they said the PIO would make it go away.

After being dumb and googling all the fluid info I could get, it was still gone by transfer day.

My lining was over 14 mm at ET and there was zero fluid.

Dr. Simckes would NEVER have proceeded if he thought the cycle would be threatened or a complete bust.

The embryo(s) are clearly in there now and putting off some serious HCG.

I don't feel like this will be a chemical because I've had one of those and it was the opposite of this.

I doubt this is ectopic.

Finally, we can only hope that we get a take-home baby (or two!) from this pregnancy because we now know how crappy my eggs are.

BUT.

I feel confident today, and I hope the betas are reflective of my confidence.

In a freakin' week! I mean why not 11dp3dt?! Daaang! 14dp3dt sucks. But at least I can start obsessing over them later and enjoy the pregnancy now, for what it is.

I tested again this morning and the FRER is ever so slightly darker than last nights, but in 12 hours, its hard for it to increase that much. But comparing yesterday morning's test to this mornings test for DH was such a difference. Night and day how much darker that line is this morning. Freakin' nutz people. Its 7dp3dt and I'm pregnant.

*I got another blog award - this time from the lovely Bridget and I'm so sorry I haven't gotten a chance to acknowledge it yet, but I will for sure post about it later today or tomorrow! Also Bridget, your socks went out in the mail yesterday so I hope you get them today or tomorrow - good luck with your retrieval! 

**It's going to be tough keeping this from my Mom. She asks me every day how I'm doing, but when she knows I'm pregnant she gets all clingy and excited and talks about it all the dang time with assvice that I don't want. So I'm going to blissfully pretend we don't know anything yet and keep her at arms length till we get our beta result next Thursday. One more week of a secret. Sigh....

I Don't Know What To Title This Entry

And I really don't know what to say about this either....I'll spill more tomorrow but:

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I'm going to go keep crying happy tears, staring at these tests, and celebrate with my husband.

We got some bebez up in here y'all. Pshhh.

6dp3dt

Not much to talk about today. I can say I have had an attitude adjustment and am quite positive about this cycle.

Last night's PIO shot was so much better. DH moved up the circles on my butt (drawn by Nurse Jackie after the retrieval) so the injections wouldn't hurt so much. No tears, no screaming, nothing. Just total relaxation and I took it like a grown-up.

The heparin shots are causing quite a bit of bruising and I'm wondering if my belly looks worse now or when I was stimming? Also the red biohazard bin is getting full and I've been using a mason jar with a lid for my Heparin needles so we need to get those emptied out.

Last night DH and I went out to dinner at a local fancy restaurant. I guess the economy is hitting them hard because when we went there for our anniversary dinner in 2009 our meal cost nearly $100. Last night we paid $35.00 and that included a 22% tip! We got a full appetizer, two entrees (Prime Rib and garlic potatoes) and a dessert. I only took a picture of the cake because the presentation was so pretty. My camera phone blows by the way:



Anyways, all is well here and I'm excited to say that I am mailing some socks to Bridget today who is having her retrieval tomorrow. I'm sure they'll arrive before her transfer, but thanks for the socks shout out! Really, I just went on ebay and looked for "cute socks" under $2.00 and found tons from China and Hong Kong for less than a dollar a pair with free shipping, and I ordered them a couple of months before starting IVF because it sometimes takes 2-5 weeks for the socks to arrive from international shippers. Just a tip for the future if anyone wants to check those out.



5dp3dt...Some News! And Then Less News...

I got my first blog award today!

It is such a much-needed pick-me-up during this 2ww. So thank you to Lisa from The Pursuit of Pregnancy for this award! Even better news, she and I are in the 2ww together and she got her BFP this week after her second IVF - I'm so happy for her!


I will proudly put this on the side bar of my blog...which is getting kind of kitchy so I really need to tidy it up.


The rules for accepting this award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award. (Thanks again Lisa!)

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 other bloggers.

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.



7 Things About Myself

1. I love zombie movies, can't get enough of them. However, other scary movies freak me the heck out.
2. I have a girl crush on Kristen Bell. Love me some Veronica Mars.
3. I wanted to be a sports reporter for ESPN until I got a reality check at my small-town private college.
4. My ten-year high school reunion is this year, if I get invited. The five-year reunion invite must've gotten lost in the mail back in '06. Jerks. Go class of 2001!
5. When I was a kid I'd dress up my cats (Smokey and Cappie) in my underwear and old baby clothes. Discuss amongst yourselves.
6. I've never ridden a horse without a stupid helmet. Dang insurance rules.
7. My glory years of high school athletics are over, but I was All-State, All-Conference and All-Area in varsity softball back in the "day". I was pretty much a bench-warmer in basketball though. If there was an All-anything for keeping it clean and warm for the starters, I would have done well.

15 of my favorite blogs!
(In no particular order, and I won't repeat any of my favorites I saw on Lisa's list because while I want to award you too, I want some other ladies to be honored as well, so I didn't forget about you!)

1. from IF to when
2. One Pink Line Short Of Sheer Bliss
3. LTF525
4. Hoping for our own Peanut
5. Maybe If You Just Relax
6. No Swimmers In The Tubes, No Bun In The Oven
7. A peek into our journey
8. semi-fertile
9. Life and Love in the Petri Dish
10. Making Me Mom
11. Crossing My Fingers But Not My Legs
12. Molto Maria
13. Infertile Follies
14. still a guest room...
15. Teresa's Pieces

I'm not one for speeches, but thanks. After blogging since '08, I feel more and more these days like I truly belong and it's been a long time thanks to this infertility/RPL crap.

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DH and I went to the grocery store last night. I purchased two boxes of FRERs with 3 (not 2!) tests in each box. I then went to the Dollar Tree and found the HPTs there, stacked up on a shelf under the display where they are usually hanging. I then used my arm and wrapped it around the stack and swept all of them in my basket. I no longer care that people are staring, I want my dang cheapo tests. But they do stare, you know, Especially when you sweep a dozen into your basket.

Then we went home, where I went upstairs and proceeded to pee on stuff. Okay, into a cup. But still, my cats are doing it, why can't I? So I used the dollar tree test. Inconclusive. Might be a faint line (still from the trigger). So I decided that the Dollar Tree would be the "test" and the FRER would be the "control" because as we all know, the FRERs are far more reliable early in the game than the Dollar Tree tests due to the indentation lines on the crappos.

I saw a faaiiiiiiint second line on the FRER. I had to turn it 90 degrees at a time and put it under all my lights, but it was there. I didn't bother showing DH. No point. So I figure the trigger is out today and I should be seeing a second line by the end of the week or the weekend if this worked. But since I bought six FRERs, I get one for each day (or evening since my results in the a.m. are notoriously worse than the p.m. piss-fests).

So there you have it. The neurotic, obsessive behavior wouldn't stay hidden. Is anybody shocked? I'm still staying positive though!

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Last night was PIO shot #9. It was the first one that drove me to an involuntary, "MOTHER FUCKER!!!" scream and then impulsive sobbing. With hiccups. Because it felt like DH found a dagger, kept it in a roaring fire for a few hours, and then jabbed it in my ass. It hurt sooo bad.

*please don't be scared if you are going to be doing PIOs soon. My case may be unique.

DH felt incredibly bad and put the heating pad over the spot and then rubbed in a circle around it which helped a bit. I felt like I should've at least gotten a lollipop or a sticker or something. Instead I got to take my prenatals and other plethora of pills for the evening. Glutton for punishment I am.

Here is our PIO routine. Am I doing something wrong? Icing beforehand went out the window when that hurt like a mofo.

1. Turn on heating pad and cover potential injection site, keep that way for 2-3 minutes.
2. In the meantime, DH draws up PIO shot and then hands it to me to put under heating pad to warm up.
3. I lay on my side either on the couch or on our bed with pillows between my legs and begin to relax my whole body.
4. DH takes syringe from me and holds it in his hand to keep warm, makes sure it isn't too hot.
5. I begin to stall, whine and threaten to harm his precious Jaso.n Whit.ten (Dallas Cowboys) jersey if he hurts me.
6. DH bribes me to take the shot, says it'll be worth it.
7. I continue to whine and stick out my bottom lip, asking if he can promise it won't hurt. He can't.
8. I suck it up, count down from 10 while still relaxing my body as much as I can, especially my butt.
9. I tell DH to do it whenever he's ready.
10. He says, "Okay here we go, 3...2...1...and in".

He pulls back to check for blood (hasn't found any yet), pushes in the PIO slowly while counting down from 20, then once it's in he counts to 5 and then pulls it out. I always bleed and he's finally started using the gauze that came with the needles and alcohol wipes. I put the heating pad back on and hold it against my but, usually whining or crying like a little baby because I'm so sore from front to back from injections. After 5 minutes I feel better and get up and go to bed.

But I can't figure out why it hurts so dang much!

I guess my whining stems from the fact that I'm hesitant to behave since if this didn't work then I went through it all for nothing but if I do get knocked up then I'll take these with a smile. I know I can't have it both ways. I'm just a brat I suppose. A brat with a bruised front and backside with a short fuse when it comes to constant pain.

I want a bebe plz. I'll stay bruized for a bebe.

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Symptoms:

I threw up in my mouth yesterday. I also didn't like the smell of my bread from lunch.
The cramping has been pretty constant, I had a strong one on the way to work this morning.

I peed 3 times last night, about every 2 hours, but I was exhausted and slept much better. So who knows.

Progesterone symptoms are consistent too: sore titties.

Just keeping track, you never know, right?