CD7 - Closer to the shots

I can't believe I finally get to stick needles in myself in 2 DAYS!

I've wanted to move to this level of IF treatment last year. Geezus.

I don't care if it hurts. I've been through worse. I just want it to be April 20th b/c I will know by then if it worked or not.

20 days. What a long time. I hope I can fill up those days enough to keep busy.

Onto more fun stuff:

It is 75 degrees here in  western Iowa today. I went to the post office at lunch (walked). Lovely outside. Ahh. Missed that.

I'm feeling motivated to start getting up early to run if the weather's going to be like this. Maybe I'll actually lose those 10 pounds that keep hanging around. lol.

I am currently holding my breath for "Eclipse" to be released into theaters. If you didn't see it before, the countdown ticker is in the upper right portion of my blog. You may steal it if you want to. I encourage all to count down with me. I do not, however, encourage the onslaught of tween/teenage girls who go to opening night and scream their heads off the ENTIRE MOVIE, especially when a certain werewolf comes into frame. Good lord. DH hates going b/c of that but he likes the movies. Well, he tolerates them for me. *chuckle*
I hadn't even read Twilight but we went and saw it opening weekend in 2008. We had no idea why girls were screeching and laughing at strange parts. Then I read the book and kind of understood what was going on with these girls.

On the subject of movies - has anyone seen "Baby Mama"? It's a couple of years old but bear with me.
Has anyone seen "Couples Resort"?

Okay - spoiler alert for both - I just want to touch on my feelings about things in these films. I'm done after this so if you don't want to know stuff, see you next time.






So - "Baby Mama". Tina Fey, infertile, tries with a surrogate. (I saw this in the theater after our first miscarriage. I'm a masochist, or at least I was then).
At the end of the film, Ms. Infertile with the T-shaped uterus and improbable odds gets knocked up by accident and didn't even know it after having slept ONE TIME with her boyfriend.

Ladies - we would know, would we not? If you've been trying for so long, even if you took a break for a couple/few months, you'd recognize the signs at some point. We're trained to! That movie pissed me off.

Then - "Couples Resort". Watched it this weekend with DH. This couple who has been trying for TWELVE MONTHS is considering getting a divorce b/c of the IF stress or whatever. Come on. Cliche much? Try for several years then recheck your marriage status.  Anyhow, they talk their other friends to go to this resort for couples to fix their marriages. Fine. Some uncomfortable moments but we made it through. One scene, the infertile couple (finally) has some crazy, unprotected sex. Like IFers ever use protection, lol.

I held my breath, painfully, waiting for the ending where they find out they're pregnant and all they needed was to relax and go on a vacation and have wild sex to get knocked up.

And waited.

And fast forwarded through the credits to the end b/c nowadays they're adding little scenes to ends of films after the credits (X-Men much?).

The scene began post-credits and I was like, "Oh here we go - let's stereotype and then fix the infertiles!"

Yeah, just some guys peeing and chatting for 20 seconds.

I checked the alternate-ending, everything.

No "Pregnant" scene.

I went to bed happy. Leave it open-ended. Fine. Just don't try to "fix" infertiles with a vacation or "relaxed" sex. Damn hollywood.

Thoughts on this? Anyone?

Injectables for Dummies

So yesterday was my baseline. I had a 9mm-er on the right and a 10mm-er on the left. On CD5. WTF? I had one baseline last year in January. I have no clue how it went, I don't remember except that I got pregnant that cycle (I wonder if the HSG had anything to do with it?) so whatever.

Wand-time is gross when AF is in town so, TMI, I'm glad it was CD5 (almost over). The wand lady asked if I had a tampon in. I replied by asking if that's actually happened. She said yes and gave examples. I didn't need to hear those. Eww. Shudder.

After the probing I met with Nurse Old Lady Who Knows Nothing And Recently Got A Kate Gosselin Reverse Mullet Haircut. She had me sit in the non-stress testing room to watch a video on how to mix Repronex (Bravelle & Menopur) and inject yourself.

Class, does an infertile like to sit in a room where pregnant ladies sit (in luxurious leather recliners I might add)?

NO!!!! SHE DOES NOT!!!!

Good job class.

So I watched the video; Nurse OLWKNARGAKGRMH kept opening and closing the door. It was then even more difficult to concentrate. Besides I was going to be late getting back to work and when you're new at a job, absences look bad.

After the video, we went into an exam room (thank geezus but I don't want to see more pictures of frigging babies on the walls!) so she could literally show me the exact same thing I'd seen on the video. Seriously.
The equipment I'll be using is a little different than in the video but still. 40 minutes I can't get back that should be 10.

I was told to start Clomid yesterday and continue to Friday. Also on Friday I am to begin giving myself the injections. Yes, to myself. In the tummy (I'd like to say my lower abs but, chuckle, sadly that is not the case).

Well - schedule for injections:

Friday (early) a.m. - somehow remember to mix and then inject myself while DH is urging me to hurry up so we can leave for our 7 HOUR CAR RIDE to Indianapolis.
Saturday (not as early) a.m. - mix and inject myself in the HOTEL ROOM
Sunday a.m. (reasonably early) - same as Saturday and then drive home

Then I have an ultrasound on Monday afternoon.

Nurse Idiot thinks the IUI will be next Tuesday. Really? On CD13? Lady you're nuts. Not gonna happen. Wednesday at the soonest. More likely next Thursday.

Question for you lovely ladies (and if there are gentlemen you are to be commended for reading these blogs):

Have you ever taken Repronex, Menopur or Bravelle and did you consume alcohol at all? This trip to Indy is to visit in-laws and my best friend. Drinking is ALWAYS involved. If it will be bad for me in any way I won't drink but I'm afraid to call the drs office and get that stupid nurse.

Anyhoo, as all of this was going on yesterday all I could think about was posting the play-by-play here so someone could either confirm that this nurse is getting on your nerves too or if this is typical for first time injecters....

CD2 - Cycle who knows how many - Onto IUI #7

So AF arrived yesterday. Like I told the nurse it would. It was a pretty painful first day. But at least I was asleep by 10pm. That never happens.

Here's the plan so far according to Nurse Old Lady Who Knows Nothing About IF And Has No Memory Of Patient History:

Baseline u/s on CD 5 (next Monday)
Start Clomid after baseline u/s on CD 5
Start Repronex injections on CD10 - CD12
U/s on CD12
U/s on CD14
IUI #7 on CD15 (Thursday 4/8)

As far as Repronex goes, it's basically the same as Menopur. It's LH and FSH (Follistim) in a shot form and boosts the Clomid.

I guess it's a bit of a "training-wheels" cycle to see how I respond. After sleeping on it, I realized it's a bit of a combination of our plans moving forward so it's no big deal.

Maybe next month I'll get to do something other than clomid though.

Also, another blog I've been following posted last night how their first IVF cycle was a failure. That's two IVF failures I've seen in the past month in other blogs. It makes me so nervous b/c we most likely won't qualify for a package deal and will have to go cycle by cycle. If the first one fails I don't know if I can talk DH into another $12k cycle that soon.

PS: we have over 100k in student loans combined plus a house. Yeah. We are not rolling in the dough.

So.....tonight I drink. Tomorrow, I go for some shopping therapy. We'll see. But at least we're doing something totally different.

Finally - I don't think the repronex comes in pen forms like Follistim. I think I'll have to draw the stuff out of the vials and give myself the shots. In the arse. yeah. DH says he refuses to do it. Um....who else will help me b/c I can't reach my arse? Help on suggestions you wonderful ladies who have been commenting on my blog???  Or anyone passing through? Oh, to top it off, we will be out of town the weekend I start with the shots so one night we'll be alone. for the last 2 shots i'm thinking of asking my nurse sister. lol....

Sigh...the plan for IUI #7 a.k.a. "Last Ditch Effort"

So I called the doctor's office today to let them know AF is coming. The nurse asked, "Has it arrived?"
I said, "No but it will be here by the end of the day." She then asked, "Have you taken a pregnancy test?"


LADY - WHY DO YOU THINK I'M CALLING YOU???? IF I THOUGHT THERE WAS A CHANCE I WAS PREGNANT I'D BE BEGGING FOR A FRIGGING BETA!!!

So I told her the that yes I've taken several and they are all very much negative. I then asked when we should order the injectables so that if I need them this weekend they will be here in time. She didn't know what was going on (so typical) so she talked to the doc and then called me back.

Here's the plan - even though I tried to get them to be more aggressive:

CD1 - alert Dr. B's office.
CD3 (possibly CD4 or CD 5 b/c u/s days are falling on weekends) - Begin CLOMID 100mg
            - Baseline ultrasound and informational lesson on giving myself shots.
CD4 - Continue Clomid (yeah, like I want this crap some more)
CD5 - Continue Clomid (I love night sweats)
CD6 - Almost done with Clomid (hope I don't have more crazy mood swings)
CD7 - DONE with Clomid
CD8 - Begin REPRONEX injections
CD9 - Continue REPRONEX injections
CD10 - Complete REPRONEX injections
CD11 - Ultrasound
CD13 - Ultrasound/probable trigger
CD14 - Probable IUI #7

The doc is afraid to go nuts with the injectables on me b/c it would be better to get 2-4 follicles than to waste all this money and give me OHSS. So I have to respect and appreciate that. I guess the Repronex is a booster to the Clomid.

I'll keep you all posted.

But I'm calling the IVF clinic tomorrow to schedule an appt for May, hopefully one that is on the same day as DH's follow-up with his Urology/Fertility specialist. DH's doc and the IVF clinic are in the same complex/hospital.

Grrr. I'm going to get some wine now. And chocolate. And potato chips.

F.uck this sh.it.

Sorry for the cursing. I'm just really pissed and fell for fake symptoms. Something I rarely have done since our first year of trying.

I Just Woke Up...

Stupid Equate tests. Must've been faulty. All tests (FRERs, Dollar Trees) are negative. Stark frigging white negative. Today is 13dpiui/14dpt.

Onto injectables and all out of pocket to boot.

Screw the progesterone tonight. I quit if I'm not going to need it. AF should arrive on Thursday like clockwork.

I'm really fricking pissed. It's going to take at least a few days to get positive again.

Now, for the THIRD YEAR IN A ROW, I get to travel to Indy to visit DH's brothers (wives and kids too) for easter and no pregnancy or baby to show for it.

I'm near tears. I can't do this anymore. I just want to move onto IVF. I'm calling them at lunch on Thursday when AF shows. I'll try to get an appt for May.

I'm going to sulk now. If the last of my FRERs is negative tomorrow (14dpiui) I'll be buying a bottle of wine and enjoying it.

Saturday the 27th is our one year anniversary of our 9-week sudden loss. I swore to myself all last year that I'd be pregnant or have a baby by the time 3/27/10 came around. It was the only way to survive last year. I was so depressed.

Sob.

Now I have nothing.

I wish I could just go home and get drunk. But I get sadder when I drink so I have no clue what would make me happy.

This cycle's failure is so painful.

I like this dream...11dpiui/12dpt

Got up around 8:30 am....tried to use the CBE but turns out it's a digital one. My mistake. So I got out the Equate EPT. Took it. Faint line again. I've NEVER SEEN this past 10dpiui/11dpt when it's negative. So then I took the digital. Negative. That's fine, I have never gotten a positive on a digital before 12dpo and 13dpiui. So I'm not panicking.  But my nips are getting sensitive. OMG please let this be happening. Not a chemical, not an EP, but finally a success.

I'll probably be a nutcase and go to the local drug store for more tests this afternoon. My afternoon tests have always been darker. lol....I guess it might be worth dropping $20-$50 on hpts this month huh? lol....  They may be faint but I know it's early. If this continues and I get to a beta (I won't ask for one till I get a positive digital if it's before 14dpiui), then I might breathe a teensy bit.

Goals for pregnancy for fertiles: stock nursery, wear cute clothes, don't get too sick, give birth.
Goals for pregnancy for infertiles: get positive hpts. get positive betas that rise appropriately. make it to first ultrasound. confirm uterine pregnancy. make it to heartbeat ultrasound. make it past the latest you've ever gotten if you've had an early miscarriage. Make it past first trimester. make it to viability at 24 weeks. make it into third trimester. give birth to live baby.

Sad huh? But that's what happens when it doesn't "just happen".

Here are the pictures of this morning's tests:

If this is a dream, I don't want to wake up...

We went to Walmart. DH didn't even try to stop me from buying HPTs. I got a 3-pack of Equate EPTs. More blue-liners. But no cross on this one. Either there's a line or there isn't.

It's official for today at least. 10dpiui. Positive.
I will take a CBE and the Equate tomorrow. If they show a positive sign I'll take another digital. Please don't let this be the trigger. Please.

10dpiui/11dpt

Okay. So I made it as far as today. For me that's pretty darn good. Got up at 9 (was wonderful to sleep in but I had some super-scary dreams. However in one part of the dream I was reading my blog but it was a post a week away. I must have time-traveled or my blog did. In the dream it said I was pregnant with 2 babies. The "future" post was over a week in the future. So when I woke up I knew I had to test. Even though it's early).

I had 2 CBE's come in the mail from Ebay a couple of days ago so I figured I'd test today and then tomorrow morning. If anything got worse, then it was the trigger. If it got better, then it would be legit.

For the first time, I have some pics for you:

(Ignore the date/time stamp. I'm trying to figure out how to change that. Pics taken around 9:30 am. lol....)



Let me explain. The CBE has a faint bfp. Even DH sees it. On camera it's pretty darn hard to see. But we see it so I suppose that's all that matters. The only other time I got any kind of bfp on a CBE on 10dpiui/11dpt was last November when I had the ectopic. And that beta was a 10 on 13dpiui. Anyways, I then took one of my 3 remaining digitals. If it was "Not Pregnant", then any "Pregnant" results in the coming days would not be trigger-related. I will take one tomorrow if the CBE is positive again.

NO DOLLAR TREE TESTS! Grrr. Once I get a good beta, THEN I'll get some DT tests and start watching them get darker. Until then, screw them and their imprint lines. Giving false hope...

I have some FRERs coming in the mail soon...hmmm let me check on that now...hold on.
Okay it was in NJ on Thursday. So I'd think it'd be here by today or Monday. Anyways, I'll probably be an obsessive POAS-er now and when DH and I go into town today to get NEW MOON!!!!! Whoohooooooo....at Walmart, I'll hop over to the HPTs and get some secretly. Lol. Just to mix it up. Then I'll probably take a test that has the non plus-sign just to be sure this isn't a joke.

Here's where my now semi-optimistic attitude has come from: I get REALLY PMS-y by about 5-6dpiui. It continuously gets worse till AF shows. I've been in a super fantastic mood since getting back from the RESOLVE conference. This was my first week back at work. I was exhausted all week but I didn't snap at dh like I normally do. I know I'm a terrible wife. But I think that b/c of my happiness over the past week or so, things have been great! Also, DH has said since Tuesday that he is sure it worked b/c I've been in such a good mood. Yeah he tracks my bitch.iness. Lol....

So.....I'll let you all know what transpires.

But as of today, I'm happy.

New Job update

First day went great, so did today. I love the ladies I work with and everyone is so nice. I have my own office. With a door. That I can shut. There are windows everywhere. I have worked in a frigging BASEMENT in a CUBICLE for 4 years. This is quite the step up. I'm the only person in both my family and my husband's family who has an office with a door. Neener. At least I've got something going for me.

Today is my 1/2 birthday. Go me. I had taco bell for lunch. Woo.

TTC update: today is 6dpiui/7dptrigger. No I haven't tested yet. Not even after the trigger shot to get a fake bfp to make myself feel good. I will be good. I'm trying really hard. I have about 4 hpts coming from ebay though. lol. The trigger should be out by Sunday so I'll probably start testing by then. Obviously, I will announce anything that is significant. Or even not significant.

And I don't want to use Dollar Tree tests unless I get a positive on a legit test. Those things suck balls. Stupid imprint line.

Resolve conference was AWESOME!

It was totally worth going. DH and I feel so much closer; there was one session where they talked about how one person in the marriage is about a year ahead of the other regarding infertility and awareness of it, treatment goals, etc, and only when you catch up to the other one is when it is easier to move forward as a couple. I know it sounds DUH but it's true and hearing that helped so much because we are FINALLY caught up after 2 1/2 years and it feels so good.

We saw an actual RE. Yes, not our OB/GYN who is covered by insurance, but an actual RE. We had 15 minutes with him. Typical time for an appointment anyway, right? So we got a private room with him, gave him the quick overview of our history, and he agreed that what we've done and what we plan to do (one more IUI but with injectables and if unsuccessful go to IVF) is exactly what we should do. I raised concerns about my current and past treatment, he seemed to think that we've done fine and oh my god it helped so much. Also, DH is only at the urologist appts (duh they're for him) and the IUIs. He's not there for the follie checks, trigger shots, questions I ask the doc, etc. So this weekend was such an eye opener to him. The IVF overview was amazing too. Remedial for me, but there were people who have been through it on the panel, telling their stories, an IVF nurse, a slideshow...all things DH hasn't been exposed to. He doesn't stalk the internet for info like me, surprise.

He even wore a sperm pin. Yes. A gold sperm pin with a green eye. Where else can you embrace your infertility? At a RESOLVE conference. It's like being a lesbian at a gay pride parade or something. Or in a room of fans of your favorite team. You all feel the same things, experince similar/same things, and it's such a breath of fresh air.

No we didn't win any of the prizes, but we got a weekend away and learned so much about ourselves and how to cope and also succeed with our infertility. SO worth it and if you are ever considering going, I strongly recommend doing it.

TTC note: started progesterone supps last night. Still no fun. DH is beyond optimistic that this cycle worked. I believe 100% that it didn't. Right side tube is f-ed up, one follicle on the right side...hmmmmm. We'll see.

RESOLVE conference

Well we will leave in about an hour to drive from iowa to minneapolis. 4 1/2 hours in the car. Not looking forward to that part of the trip but i'm hoping so much that we win something tomorrow, especially the ivf cycle. man. well there should be free wi-fi at the hotel so i'll plan on posting something but if i don't then you'll hear from me soon and i'll tell you ALL about it.

wish us luck.

btw this 2ww sucks already. 2dpiui. i just know it didn't work.

1dpiui

So DH has agreed to injectables. Without a long conversation. Crazy stuff. Obviously we hope/need this cycle to work but if it doesn't we have a plan. Injectables. Finally.

Doc says that if we breach 4 follicles he may cancel the trigger and iui for fear of OHSS and rupturing my ovary. Um, that sucks. I want 10 follicles! lol... they also said that some people may only get 1 follicle but i said that clomid did that already and i want to boost our odds and injectables are our best bet and bang for our buck (likely $1,000).

Fingers and toes crossed that we win the IVF cycle at the RESOLVE conference this weekend. Or even the meds. Sheesh.

IUI #6

30-35 million post-wash. Still 1 follicle. Hope this works. I'm pushing dh for injectable cycle next month.

One. Just one.

Yeah. That's all. One damn follicle. Right ovary. 2 follicles at 9 and 11mm on left side.

I freaked. S/w Dr. B. He agrees to do injectables next cycle. DH wants to increase clomid once more.

Follicle Check today

So - any one in a betting mood? My Clo.mid was doubled these past 2 cycles from 50mg to 100mg. I had the same response last month as I did to the 50mg: 2 follicles.

We want at least double that!!! Both were on the right side last month with the probably screwed up tube so this month...inhale, exhale, we are really really really hoping for more than 2 follicles and that at least one if not a majority are on the left side.

I will still be TELLING, not ASKING for an injectable cycle next month if this doesn't work. We have to be more aggressive. Also, if this month is a bust, I'm calling the IVF clinic to get us in.

My cousin's wedding is in August. We will HAVE to start IVF by then. I don't want to be doing injections or traveling during a cycle or in the 2ww. I also don't want to be needing to do betas or ultrasounds while I'm in, of all places, freaking Arkansas. No offense to ANYONE from Arkansas. But that's pretty far away for an IFer to be needing her daily fix of the following: betas, poas-ing, progesterone suppositories, ultrasounds or immediate access to her doctor.

So. Either I will be sailing through pregnancy during this wedding trip or we will take a break that month. I will not be psyched about option #2.

I know. It's five months away. Things can change. But I'm a planner! And with that deadline fast approaching, we need to do something.

Pregnancy Announcement - not mine...

A married couple that we are friends with have been trying for a few months to get pregnant. We got a text yesterday saying this: "Just letting everyone know we are expecting (name witheld) is 3 months along."  Oh. Thanks. Since you have known about our IF for TWO FREAKING YEARS but you sent me and DH a mass text. You couldn't have called or texted me directly or emailed me. I've been avoiding these people for almost a year b/c they were going to start trying and I didn't want them to tell us in person when they were expecting.  Well they went to the other end of the spectrum. Thanks. So much.

There is one other person who I'm competing with to get pregnant. SIL. The one who still goes on drinking and smoking binges with her husband and gets arrested for public intox. August is a bit of a deadline b/c DH might be taken off Clo.mid by then and my cousin is getting married that month and as she is a couple years older than me, she WANTS A BABY. So we have about 5-6 months to get KU.

If SIL gets pregnant before me I. WILL. LOSE. IT.

DH is actually willing to let me talk Dr. B into letting me do an injectable cycle next month for our out of pocket IUI #7 if necessary. He is also wrapping his head around IVF. Finally.

We will be broke but we will have a baby/babies.

I also don't drink anymore. Ever. Maybe a beer or two a MONTH but never. I'm afraid if I start I'll never stop. The same goes with crying. I don't cry anymore. Every day I get a lump in my throat several times but I push it down b/c if I cry, then I won't stop. I have to keep it together and believe that sometime this year, we will be pregnant and stay pregnant.

I wish we had IVF coverage AND counseling coverage.

Something Positive

I got the job!  Same salary as my last job AND I'd get overtime if I work over 40 hours!!!!! I start on March 15th so yay me!! At least something is going right.

As far as IVF coverage, I doubt there is any; it's a high-deductible program so even if they did, we'd be paying a lot out of pocket. I'll ask more on Monday when I talk to the lady that offered me the job. She called this afternoon and said they loved me! I also think this job will be so much better than that craptastic one I had before I got laid off.

I talked to Julie from the RESOLVE conference tonight and she gave me tons more info. We are going and I"m booking the hotel tomorrow. I'm so excited! There's a bunch of breakout sessions and one is "Guy 101". Well it's at the same time as the IVF info session so DH is demanding to go to the IVF one instead of the Guy talk thing so he can learn about IVF from someone other than me. It sounds so great and I figure DH and I will bond over this experience. I'll share everything I can with you, my legion of followers. lol....

IUI is next week. Last one covered by insurance (at 50%, jerks). We don't pray often but it's gotten to that point.

March 13th

So DH and I are strongly considering going to the RESOLVE Family Building Conference next weekend in Minneapolis, MN.

We could win a free IVF cycle. I called the lady on the website to find out how many couples/people usually go to these things. Maybe our odds will be better. I also had a daydream that we went but as usual, we didn't win what we wanted. But the couple who won could never have children and were there for the adoption sessions and info and they would give the IVF cycle to us. Okay for this to happen, the wife would have no reproductive organs and no chance of a surrogate to carry a donor baby; her husband has zero sperm, you get the picture? Yeah. I'm pretty pathetic. Like an IF-er would ever not take a free IVF cycle? Lol...

So I'll let you know if we go; but DH wants to go so it's hard to turn him down if he's interested in learning more. And a weekend away in a hotel? Yeah...he likes that idea.

*Side note, I had my second interview yesterday and they will call me next Monday to let me know about the job either way. I bet I get it. I feel really confident.
DH was one of 2 people up for a job recently and didn't get it. So we never know what will happen but when he got the call telling him they went with the other guy, he was pretty devestated. It reminded me of the monthly devestation I've dealt with for the past 2+ years. Maybe that's why he decided to go the RESOLVE conference.

Maybe a Job?

So the interview went great and the lady said she wants me to come in later this week for a second interview to meet with the head litigation paralegal and one of the firm's partners. I'm not sure if I mentioned before but this job is for a litigation paralegal at a law firm in the "city". I live in a "town" about 20 minutes away.

I'm sure they'll offer it to me. IVF coverage sounds totally doubtful. They have a required HSA (healthcare spending account) where you basically pay thousands in a deductible then anything over that is covered. I'm sure I'll stick with DH's coverage. Same doctors are covered but the law firm's sounds pretty bad.

I'll let you all know if I get the job. Clomid is doing fine. For the SIXTH cycle using it. The hot flashes at night are the worst. No real mood swings.

AF is almost gone. I wish we could do IVF now. I'm sick of all the IUIs. Clearly they're not going to work and there's something wrong with me....