Wednesday, January 19, 2011

No News Was Not Good News

I'm too upset to post all the pictures from last week, from the retrieval, I'm just kind of numb and attempting not to cry. I bugged the clinic yesterday for a fert report but nobody had any answers other than, "Yes, some did fertilize." I just got off the phone with Dr. S.

We wanted answers from this IVF. But we wanted to eat our cake too. 20 eggs should have solved all our problems. Oodles of embies, tons to freeze, etc. Our dreams came true on Monday - or so we thought.

Only 7 mature eggs could be ICSI'd, the rest of the eggs were degenerating upon retrieval. Cracked eggs, he called them. "Inherent", he said.

I make shitty eggs.

DH has shitty sperm.

Apparently, it's a miracle that we even have four embryos right now sitting in a dish, growing as of this morning's check.

Dr. S said he's open to transferring three if that's all that's left tomorrow since freezing and thawing will likely kill the remining embryo, if there is even three. He said he figured with 20 eggs, we'd have at least 8 embryos to work with for tomorrow.

I used up my resources, DH's retirement fund, work time, money, practically abandoned my cats (and bird) for weeks, jabbed myself incessently....for this?

I know it's not over till we get to tomorrow. And if we transfer (though there was a spot of fluid in the uterus during the retrieval so if that's still there, then the transfer is cancelled and we likely kill any remaining embryos if we freeze them), then great. We wait till the beta. If its negative, then we start doing more hail mary IUIs until 2012.

I peed on an expired FRER after the call to cheer myself up by seeing 2 lines. Did it make me smile? No. It made things worse because I don't expect to see one of those in 10 days.

Fuck my life.

17 comments:

LisaB said...

Oh honey, I am so very sorry. I cannot believe this. I am so sad and angry for you. I hope and pray that your embies do well and that the fluid is gone. ((HUGS)) Ugh, I just cannot believe it.

Bridget said...

Christa, I am so sorry. Try your hardest to keep positive and I will pray that the four embryos you have keep growing and everything will work out.

Amanda said...

I wish I had something brilliant to say to ease your pain, but I just don't. I will certainly keep you and your embryos in my prayers.

Katie said...

I wish I knew what to say other than I am so, so, so sorry. And I want to give you a hug. Life is royally fucked up sometimes. :( You are in my thoughts, sweetie, and I'll be praying for your embabies. <3

Emily said...

Well shit Christa. That sucks so hard core it isn't funny.

Ugh.

I'm so sorry for you and your husband.

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

This really sucks...I am praying for your four embryos. It's not over yet so hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Attrition sucks, but it's not the end of the world. My first IVF I had 20+ follicles. We got ten eggs, not all of which were mature. Come the fertilisation report, we only had five embryos. By transfer day (day 3), we only had two.

One of those embryos is now a happy and healthy two year old boy. It was not an ideal cycle. I had nothing to freeze and wound up getting OHSS. I remember being devastated by how fast the numbers of our potential children dropped. But in the end, that one good embryo came through and it was worth everything.

It's worth crying over, because it is scary and it does suck. But as of this morning, you have quads. My fingers are crossed that tomorrow you will get to be pregnant, however briefly, with triplets. It's not over yet. Just take it one step at at a time.

Scottie Mom said...

It sucks...i am sorry i cannot do anything to fix things for you. I do agree with previous commenter: you are still in the game. I will continue to send you positive thoughts...and hope your little guys continue to grow.

Maria Joy said...

Oh, Christa, I have been there and it just absolutely sucks. I am so so so sorry. I will be praying for a transfer to take place and an embryo that survives the odds. I am with you, I have lived this nightmare, and I hope so much that you have a positive outcome. Huge hugs.

Still A Guest Room said...

Oh, I am just so sorry. Praying for your four little ones to make it through!!!!

Sarah said...

Christa, I'm so sorry you're going through this. IVF is a serious emotional rollercoaster. Try not to give up hope yet -- I only had 3 embies fertilize as well, and today I'm 10 weeks pregnant. It's not over 'til it's over! Hang in there.

Teresa said...

Christa, I am so sorry for your news. I know this crushing feeling you are having right now. It is so hard to remain positive..but know that there is still so much hope in that petri dish. Keeping you and your embies in my thoughts.

infertilefollies said...

Hang in there Christa!! Don't give up on your embies just yet --- it's not over. I am thinking about you and praying for you!!!!

Lindsay said...

((hugs)) Hang in there. It only takes 1. Its definitely not over yet.

Jessica said...

I am so sorry that you got this disappointing news. I'm prayin' for those 4 embryos.

Crossing My Fingers said...

UGH! That totally sucks BUT you do have 4 and 4 is better than zero. I know it sucks to hear this, and I need to take my own advice, but head up girlie and stay positive! It ain't over yet. Prayers being sent your way!

Autumn said...

I am so sorry it is not turning out the way you had hoped. Here's good vibes for your four embryos, may they grow grow grow!

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