No News Was Not Good News

I'm too upset to post all the pictures from last week, from the retrieval, I'm just kind of numb and attempting not to cry. I bugged the clinic yesterday for a fert report but nobody had any answers other than, "Yes, some did fertilize." I just got off the phone with Dr. S.

We wanted answers from this IVF. But we wanted to eat our cake too. 20 eggs should have solved all our problems. Oodles of embies, tons to freeze, etc. Our dreams came true on Monday - or so we thought.

Only 7 mature eggs could be ICSI'd, the rest of the eggs were degenerating upon retrieval. Cracked eggs, he called them. "Inherent", he said.

I make shitty eggs.

DH has shitty sperm.

Apparently, it's a miracle that we even have four embryos right now sitting in a dish, growing as of this morning's check.

Dr. S said he's open to transferring three if that's all that's left tomorrow since freezing and thawing will likely kill the remining embryo, if there is even three. He said he figured with 20 eggs, we'd have at least 8 embryos to work with for tomorrow.

I used up my resources, DH's retirement fund, work time, money, practically abandoned my cats (and bird) for weeks, jabbed myself incessently....for this?

I know it's not over till we get to tomorrow. And if we transfer (though there was a spot of fluid in the uterus during the retrieval so if that's still there, then the transfer is cancelled and we likely kill any remaining embryos if we freeze them), then great. We wait till the beta. If its negative, then we start doing more hail mary IUIs until 2012.

I peed on an expired FRER after the call to cheer myself up by seeing 2 lines. Did it make me smile? No. It made things worse because I don't expect to see one of those in 10 days.

Fuck my life.