Did I Mention 2010 Will Be The Year?

So I've been obsessively testing since 9 dpo. Yes I'm nuts. DH and I thought we saw a faint BFP on Monday night on a Clear Blue Easy non-digital and an E.P.T. but I think they were bleed lines b/c nothing else has come close to a BFP since then. I've used a FRER, internet cheapies, Dollar Tree tests and more CBE and EPTs. No dice.

That's fine - AF is supposed to show by New Year's Eve or New Year's Day (preferably) so this should be a fun weekend. If AF shows on 1/1/10, then the cycle days would literally be the same as the calendar days, easier to keep track I suppose. Also, January is our only chance to get the coveted 10/10/10 due date!!!! lol...doesn't mean it'll happen but it'd be so cool. Finally, once DH has his surgery we may be kind of screwed with any IUIs for awhile. If January's doesn't work then we'll definitely do one in Febuary, but we will probably do a s/a in March before doing another one. We'll do clomid in March for sure, but definitely a se.men analysis before an IUI in March just so we aren't wasting one of the 6 that are covered. We've used three so Jan-Mar woudl be our last chances to have the 50% coverage by insurance. Yeah, only 50% is covered. But DH believes that it'll happen this year for sure w/out IVF so I told him that if i'm not pregnant by the end of the year that we're going to start IVF. I'm not waiting anymore. Also, about 74 days after his surgery - or April-ish - his count will likely plummet and won't recover for another 74 days. So we basically lose at least 2 cycles this year if not 3. Yay, right? So we only have 9 months in 2010 to get knocked up and stay that way. No pressure, right?

One Month after BFP - 2 1/2 Weeks Post EP Surgery

Beta on 12/10/09: 3
We got the green light - it's bunny time!

I got a positive OPK last night. FINALLY. And this afternoon. Yes. I took one at work. It's currently in my sweater pocket. B/c it looks like an HPT, I have to hide it so nobody finds it/sees it and thinks i'm pregnant. Or if someone figures out what it is I will be quite red-faced.
This afternoon I have been feeling quite a bit of pressure/pain in my right ovary area and then under my belly button (that spot probably b/c of the buttoned pants I'm wearing toady; I've been unbuttoning my pants since the surgery), and my lower back.
Thus, I think I'm ovulating today/tonight/tomorrow. Dh and I have been bd-ing every other day since last wednesday just in case. Since it appears I am actually popping out an egg in the next several hours, we're going to "hit it" hard tonight and tomorrow for sure.
Maybe it'll work. Maybe I'll have another ectopic. Maybe we'll actually get a live baby in nine months. No clue. But I'm excited for the possibility. At least we didn't have to wait 3 months like the other/fired doc was going to make us wait and at least dh has a healthy/normal (kind of) count for us to try with unlike what happened in March. We tried for three months after March, oh yes we did. But with very little swimmers that actually knew where they were going, it clearly didn't work. Let's see, the first IUI 3 months after dh started taking Clomid, we got pregnant. Duh. Obviously it worked and his swimmers got a clue. So, since we've got some good ones till about 74 days after dh's ACL surgery 1/28/10, we have got to go at this hard until the count drops off. THEN we'll have to wait 74 more days after that till they go back to normal-ish...for him. You know what I mean.

But I feel confident that we WILL get pregnant and STAY pregnant in 2010. Dammit. Or else. You hear me future baby/babies?!?!? You will sit and you will stay in the right place until it's time to come out. Grrr.

I'm happy. I am in total love with my husband. We are okay. We got a new TV and a Wii for Christmas. Instead of an exchange we decided to get those things. The Wii's not yet set up, we're pretty 'tarded when it comes to that kind of stuff and we want to wait for our NEW COUCH to arrive! We got a sectional that I call "the butt couch" b/c it has little cushions all over it so i think it looks like it's got butts on it. Dh doesn't agree but we both like that it's beyond comfortable (our current couches are hand-me-downs from my parents and I think the couches are 15 years old), and has massagers on both sides of the sectional! We got two couches that are three-seaters and then the middle triangle thingy. I never wanted a sectional but I ended up falling in love with this one. Each side has a little cooler in it too under the middle seat so how neat is that! The couch is to be delivered on New Year's Eve (not entirely convenient but we'll work with it) and they'll take our crappy couches and horrible recliner. We're counting the days.

We'll find out by New Year's Eve or New Year's Day if I'm knocked up. If it didn't work, then I get to start Clomid by day 3 (if I can't reach the doctor, I'll just take Eric's and then replace his with the Rx that I get - this really works out, being on the same fertility meds) and then we'll do IUI #4 by the 15th or 16th. I'll find out if I'm knocked by Dh's ACL surgery (probably do beta the morning of the surgery) so, that's all good stuff! I'm super excited for the next six weeks. I really really really hope it works before April (when DH's sperm go to sh*t). As long as it works before April, we'll have our baby in 2010. Hopefully.

Dr. Google Is Not Helping

So I have googled the crap out of a question I have. Not much on answers. I just want to know when I will ovulate now. We are not waiting a cycle to try b/c DH has ACL surgery at the end of January so we don't want to waste a possible cycle. It's been over 2 weeks since the surgery and my count has been under 100 since then as well so my body should be getting ready to ovulate.
*TMI Alert*
I've had a TON of ewcm lately. Like gobs. Not typical for me. So I've been using my leftover opks to figure out what's going on and we've been bd-ing every other day since last Wednesday. I should ovulate this week based on what's going on "down there" as it comes about 3-4 days after the ewcm for some strange reason. The opks aren't getting darker yet but i figure they will in the next couple of days. I only have one left though so I have to decide whether to use it tonight or wait until Tuesday. I have a bunch (30) coming from Ebay but the seller shipped on 12/6/09 and I still don't have them so if I use the last one I have then I'll have to go buy some at the store and they're a bit costly...but if it helps us conceive this month then they'd be worth it right? A long-time TTC-er will spend money on some pretty crazy stuff so nothing I buy that's related will surprise DH.

Luckily my cycle should play out for January (if this December trainwreck doesn't end in a BFP) works out for the IUI to be mid-month so that maybe I can get a beta before or during DH's surgery.

Also, his urologist and I exchanged emails last week and he said that the surgery shouldn't impact DH's sperm until about 74-90 days after surgery. So we'll keep doing the IUIs until then which works out fine. But how, logistically, will DH and I "do it" at home if he's laid up (lol, no pun intended) with a bum knee? Yes, all mental images aside folks, I will have to do all the work. I'd rather do that then "take a break". Besides, if our efforts fail, then we'll be "taking a break/doing it on our own" for three months after the bad sperm kick in until they come back after another sperm cycle. Bummer huh? So we've got December, January, February, March and April (maybe) to get pregnant. No pressure right?

Smack in the face

i knew the betas sucked. i convinced myself that i was at the low end of normal but i knew. it was ectopic. ruptured day after thanksgiving. took four hours of pain quickly intensifying to get me to announce (in choked tears) that something was "wrong" and that we needed to see a doctor immediately. went to local (small town) ER. they were confused, couldn't give me pain meds. sent me to "big city" ER. they didn't get the memo from local ER so there was some confusion at first but soon i got pain meds, lovely, then an u/s which confirmed no sac, nothing in uterus. lots of free-flowing blood though. my favorite doc was on call, told me i had ectopic. apparently beta was around 450 or so. that monday it'd been 131. if my dang doctor had just ran one more frigging beta she would have seen the problem. anyways, i went in for emergency laproscopic surgery. they saved my tube. stayed overnight at hospital. dh took amazing care of me for the past week. i'm back at work today, still quite sore. refused to have the rest of the stitches out after first one hurt like a bi*ch.

but i'm not depressed and hiding this time. dh's count is nearly normal now. the motility is grade 4. i just know that we'll get pregnant again. he has to have ACL surgery soon so we only have a couple of months to try. we'll do it on our own this month and once i get af, i'll call my new doctor, the one from the hospital (same department, just a different doc) and i'll start a clomid/iui cycle again. We'll go for IUI #4. i feel good about it. even if it doesn't work, we'll keep trying.

now SIL and BIL are trying. in a sick way i still dont want to be 2nd to them. my little/only brother had a kid before me and if SIL (younger) has one too i'll be pissed. i'm terrible. but i'm not depressed anymore.

Welcome back?

so. it's been at least 8 months. you won't be able to guess why...yeah. we lost everything.
long story short - started spotting at 7 1/2 weeks, got u/s, everything was fine but there was blood near the sac. Bedrest for 4 days. spotting exactly a week after it started, then bleeding. went in for another u/s. baby normal, heartbeat good, blood problem gone. thought everything would be fine. then the next morning - bam! heavy bleeding, worst cramping i've ever experienced, lost the baby in the ER. saw it, was quite traumatic. had u/s to show clear uterus, horrible experience. then the next day, had the same thing happen all over again due to incomplete abortion. went to ER in my town and got medication to make everything flush out properly.

i've been in some kind of depressive social coma since then. the only reason i'm back is b/c i'm pregnant again. dh went on clomid and his count and motility basically tripled. we did three iuis and this third one worked i guess. low betas to start with: 13dpiui: 10; 15 dpiui: 33; 17 dpiui: 56; 19dpiui: 131.

B/c i got Beta #4's results this morning and they were good, i decided to post this. not sure if i'll keep things up. i'm sure nobody is following this blog.

if you are actually following this and you know me - please don't tell anyone. you can talk to me directly but please keep this a secret.

odds are nobody is following this. most people ask to be kept in prayers, etc. screw that. a lot has changed for me this year and i decided that the whole god thing is b.s.

if it's going to happen, it will. if there are problems, make it happen. if it can't happen, then it won't.

so...first u/s is next monday the 30th. i'm getting the flu and the h1n1 shot tomorrow per doctor's orders. we'll see how this progresses.

but i think i'm healing a little. even if this one bombs, dh's count is so good i feel confident we can do this on our own.

ironically, our initial ivf appt is next monday at the same time as the u/s. i will most likely cancel the ivf appt tomorrow.

7w5d

Still pregnant, for all you followers out there. I see nobody is following this blog so that was sarcasm...

I haven't thrown up yet and that's concerning me. Why? B/c I suffered from horrific PMS since Iwent through puberty and I always figured that any pregnancy hormones would hit me hard. Well, I just get nauseous if I'm hungry and usually from 10am - 3pm. So...I don't get it. I'll probably call the doctor's office on Friday (my day off) and tell them I'm nervous about it. Maybe I'll get another u/s if I really push.

Other than that, I went golfing with DH yesterday b/c it was 65 degrees. I carried my bag since there were no golf carts allowed and I hate pull carts. We only went five holes since it started getting chilly, I was starving and I'm out of shape. I thought I was going to puke. Maybe we'll go Sunday. Who knows? Dh has been great though. He's cleaning a lot and being attentive. He gets excited a lot about the baby but we're still on edge till the second trimester.

Oh, I ordered a doppler ($100 bucks!) from Amazon.com so I can sooth my psychotic internal ramblings since I'm terrified of having a missed miscarriage. My symptoms are so minor (sore bbs and mild nausea) that I'm scared that something is going or has gone wrong. Hopefully the doppler or doctor's office can make me feel better.

7 Weeks

Wow, it's just unbelievable that we're at seven weeks. I still have it in the back of my mind that the baby is measuring 6w4d but I don't care. The doctor told me to stay with the calendar I started with so whatever. Seven weeks!

The nausea has come and gone. I can't get too hungry; though my appetite has been huge, holy cow. I feel like a cow. Lol. My cold seems to have gone away (knock on wood) but my sinuses feel slightly swollen, you know what I mean? Not much of a runny nose but I feel kinda stuffy.

My back has had some aching, it comes and goes, and the cramping is very minor and is sporadic. Maybe the puking won't happen to me, I'd like it to just so I know how strong the hormones are, but if I can get by without it and have a strong, healthy baby, that's fine by me!

I just keep praying all goes well and I'm looking forward to some pleasant weather so I can go walking. I'll start next week at the gym (I have a membership I bought two months ago that I haven't used yet, the timing hasn't been there) twice a week. That should help. And I can walk at home, around the block and such. Spring starts next Friday! I can't believe it'll be late fall by the time we have this baby! I still call it our little sea monkey (that's what it looked like in the ultrasound pictures) but I figure by the end of next week I'll be calling it our little gummy bear. ;)

Heartbeat!!!!

I'm at home; took the day off today to enjoy the ultrasound. I'll post more later, but it went fine. Baby is actually measuring at six weeks one day but the doc told me to consider myself six weeks four days. We'll see down the road if we need to change the due date, but the most it'd be off by is three days and she said its no biggie.

I started crying when I saw the baby and its heartbeat. We even got to listen to it, which his nuts! Dh says it was 128 bpm but I thought she said 113 bpm. Either way, our little one is measuring great and the doc is happy with what she saw.

Next appointment is a basic prenatal appt with a nurse on 3/31 and then with the doc for my first pelvic, heart monitoring, etc on 4/13!

Yay!!!

5 weeks 4 days

Still pregnant! I need to stop peeing on the dollar tree tests, but I really enjoy watching the progression of the darkening lines!

Symptoms:
Sore boobs, especially the nipples.
Lower back pain kicked in today.
Queasiness started last Friday.
Tired ALL.THE.TIME.
I enjoy ice cream and dill pickle potato chips (isn't it too early for cravings?)
Gassy
Did I say tired a lot? 'Cause I am.
Constant runny nose.

I think I've been an obviously happier person though, overall. DH says things like, we're having a baby, I'm going to be a dad. I can't believe it...things like that. The timing of this is really good too. We're better prepared than we were last year. We have two good jobs, a house and a stable financial situation. Our marriage is solid as a rock, and our extended families are doing well.

I do still check the tp every single time I wipe, just in case. I think anybody would do that though, especially someone who's had a miscarriage.

Next Tuesday is the first u/s and appointment with my ob. I'm so excited! I can't wait to see our baby. It's unreal yet; every day I get a little more used to being pregnant. Yet, the puking hasn't begun yet so I may start to get a little annoyed with that symptom. Anytime I'm bothered, I'll remind myself of how badly we wanted this and that any m/s is a sign of a strong pregnancy.

Hopefully DH helps me clean the toilets more often though. Random note: I have sworn off pop (anything but diet 7-up/diet sprite/diet sierra mist) since my BFP. I'm scared the sweeteners and lack of health benefits will be bad for me or the baby. The only time I drink the diet sierra mist is when I can't stand water anymore or if we're eating out and it's all they have other than water.

DH has been wonderful though, and I'm a little surprised. He has been drinking a lot the past two saturdays but that's because 1) he's been celebrating and 2) his brothers came into town unexpectedly and drinking is what they do. I'm sure he'll back off of it this weekend until St. Patty's weekend. After that he'll have no real reason to have anything to drink till we visit his brothers again in late April. I guess I'm mostly tired of being the designated driver.

Only 2 days left and we'll be at 6 weeks! I need to find more synonyms for excited!

5 Weeks!!!

I can't believe it! It's five weeks already! Yeah right, every day has taken forever to be over with. I just want to have the u/s and see the baby!

Boobs hurt and I feel sick when I get even a little hungry. I pee all the time which is also probably because I drink crazy amounts of liquids due to this cold I'm still fighting. I went to the doctor yesterday for what I figured was a sinus infection. Lo and behold, it is just that. I got ammoxicillin for the next 10 days. Dh was worried so he made me call my ob to make sure it was okay to take it. She said yes it was fine. Lol. Also I get crampy once in a while, for about a minute; they're mild to moderate and feel different than AF cramps. I asked the ob nurse about that too and she said since this is my first child that my uterus hasn't been stretched like this before so of course it'll get crampy. The different feeling is it expanding, not being pushed in like during AF.

I still need to tell how we announced it to our parents, but we're telling his immediate family tonight and mine next Saturday, so I'll post everything soon enough. But in case anyone was actually following this blog, I wanted to make sure they knew that I'm still pregnant!!!

Oh Yeah

Progesterone at 24.5. Got the call yesterday morning that I won't need progesterone supplements/suppositories. The U/s is scheduled, and I told the nurse I don't want to set up all the prenatal stuff till I see the baby on screen. They understand...

I'm cautiously optimistic!

Still Pregnant

I have held my breath since Friday, hoping that this preganancy didn't circle the drain like the last (and only) one did. Nothing yet! Some crampy/pulling feeling randomly but thats it. My boobs hurt on and off and my back has started hurting. Also I can't seem to sleep past 3am. lol. This is nuts! Speaking of nuts, I went to the dollar tree last night and bought 9 pregnancy tests. I thought I had ten...lol.
I took one as soon as I got home. Yep, a nice medium-dark line pretty quickly. I have 2 $6.00 digitals left and I want to save them for either making the announcement or if I have a scare.

DH is getting more and more excited. Every morning when I wake up, I look right at him, smile, and say, "Still pregnant!". He just smiles and closes his eyes. Today he's emailed me and said he's surprised at how excited he is and how this will be a long nine months. He has no idea. It's 14 days till our first ultrasound and that feels like a million years away! It's like my birthday every day, like Christmas, like our wedding day...I love being pregnant! Bring on the morning sickness and the cankles! I want it all!

I've wanted this for so long, longer than the 16 months it took to get pregnant. I saw a beautiful sunrise this morning on the way to work, prettier than any I can remember seeing in my 26 years. All I could do was thank God. Usually, when I lose hope, He seems to pick me back up. He also helps me to appreciate what I have and to learn tough lessons when I need them.

Maybe that was the reason for last year's chemical pregnancy. I got the BFP on Tuesday (4w 4d) and started spotting at midnight and officially miscarried on Wednesday (4w 5d).

Today is 4w 4d. I have to make it past tomorrow. That will be HUGE!!!!! The first milestone was the BFP on our own. The second was making it past the first night. The third will be making it past 4w 5d. ;) I think (and pray) we can do it.

Due date 10/30/09. Let's do it, shall we pumpkin?

Shock Of A Lifetime

I. Am. Pregnant.

BFP on Friday. Went to ob/gyn immediately for a pee test there and a progesterone blood test. Pee test waaaay positive but no progesterone results in till Monday.

WTF????

How did this happen? I've also got a nasty head cold and a probable sinus infection. No meds for me...

I will tell the story later on how I told DH and our parents...but this is nuts and I thank God every time I wipe and see nothing on the tp (TMI, sorry but I've lost one in the middle of the night and I don't want it to happen again). Ultrasound is on 3/10!

Who Isn't Pregnant?

Seriously, I'd like to know. Just found out that a friend of ours is "oops" pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. Another friend got "oops" pregnant last fall. Unreal. Oh and DH's cousin's wife was quickly knocked up over Christmas...they made the announcement 6 weeks along. A bit soon but whatever.

I know it's not a contest. But I'm the most competetive person ever. EVER. I will beat anyone at being competitive. It's not the most attractive personality trait. But can't you understand that spent most of 2008 planning on being pregnant, filling our nursery, picking out daycare, telling the family, taking birthing suite tours...

This has been so hard. Now the local hospital (where I'd have our baby) is pushing their baby commercials in overtime. I see them on tv and hear them on the radio constantly. 3x a day I swear! I'm getting near tears anymore when thinking about this because I'm so scared we'll never be able to have children. It is a basic human function, something we're genetically programmed for and we have been simply unable to do that job! It's an emplty feeling, one that is resonated in my mom's face each time I tell her AF came, or that the outlook of us conceiving naturally are very slim.

It's started going deeper too. I subconciously must be pushing DH away because I'm not really interested in being intimate as often as I used to. It's unfair to him and to me, I used to enjoy it, often. But now that I know that bd-ing is only for pleasure and won't work for making babies, it's so difficult to do it. I'm sure I'll need time (and maybe therapy, who knows???) but I feel like I'm failing as a wife and a best friend because it's as if everything changed when we got the MFI diagnosis.

Some days are better than others. Today, I am counting down the handful of days till AF arrives so I can call and get my Clomid perscription. DH is faithfully taking his fertility blend from GNC and we figure by this time next week, I'll be taking the meds. Oh, DH failed his important work exam three times. That means he can't take it for 6 months but his workload will be less though is pay won't change. I think he'll improve (and his count too) since the stress of studying for three months straight is done now.

I'll keep working on my issues. Hopefully once the next cycle starts, I can start getting excited again. Until then, I'll keep living...and crossing days off my calendar.

Moving Forward

I thought the template for this blog was a bit dark, with the black background, etc. So I changed it today to this new peaceful, beachy template. It gives me hope, and I feel better about most things these days.

I kind of had a brain fart on the opks over the weekend. Yes, we're taking one more natural/at-home shot at this before Clomid/IUI#1 next cycle. The opks I got online, like all the others, are smaller, skinnier, etc. So I misread a negative for a positive. Good thing I took one each day b/c Saturday's got really, really dark in the afternoon. So we tried on Sunday too. Unfortunately there was only one Preseed applicator left and we used it on Friday. I figure it'll help DH's already struggling little guys...it worked for the one time I got pregnant...so maybe our 2 big efforts over the weekend worked. I doubt it, but I'll probably get all excited once my cycle heads past the 28 day mark like it has for the past few months. 28-days till November. Then it was 32 days. Then 26 days in December. Then 32 days again in January. What the deuce, right?

I just keep ovulating later and my LP is so screwy now. Glad I'm going on the Clomid. Hopefully if the red headed sl*t comes around, she's here around the 20th or 21st instead of the 22nd or 23rd. Only because the IUI would fall on a Monday or Tuesday and I don't have those days off. I hate the thought of using a sick day on it and I'd rather go home and relax all day to allow the swimmers to do their jobs.

I am taking a work test on March 11th though so I could use the day to study at home, etc. Whew! I'm quite the planner huh? This kid will have to get used to it, even though he/she hasn't exactly followed our "plan" for the past 16 months.

So I came up with a great idea for telling DH that I'm knocked up. See, he's not drinking anymore. Yeah. No booze. You don't understand how big of a sacrifice this is for him. He had a sip of his dad's beer last Saturday and looked like a 16 year old when I looked at him. It was funny.

But my idea is as follows, though not in concrete yet: I get him a six pack of his favorite beer and wrap it. Then I include the BFP test and present it to him accordingly. The BFP can't be faint either. It's gotta be pretty obvious. Then I can have a fresh digital one waiting for him to make me prove it. Since I lost our only pregnancy a day and a half after that BFP, he may make me continue to pee on sticks till the ultrasound. I don't mind. I'll enjoy every single positive test I take and cherish it. I'd kiss each one but we all know that there will be pee on it so...if I do I'll keep it to myself. :)

Ironically though, it'll be a year to the day on March 19th when I miscarried. This year I will hopefully get my BFP within a week of that anniversary. My next AF would be due around March 20th -23rd. So I shuld know by then. What a great way to get through such a difficult time.

I Took A Self-Imposed Time-Out

I see, based on all the comments left for me, that I have a huge following (that's a little sarcasm there)...so I figure I'll update you "all" on what's been going on.

I've been moping and feeling sorry for myself lately, mainly because of the frustration of this whole testing process, and also irritated that we have to take this cycle off basically to gear up for next month's start of treatment.

Overall? DH's counts are too low to get me pregnant. Not only are they low but also confused and lazy, and misshapen. For the most part. However they're not too low that the doc doesn't feel confident about Clomid/IUI for 3 cycles.

Thus we're counting the days till AF comes (expected 2/20/09) so that I can get the Clomid and get started...I had my ultrasound (normal and awesome) last Wednesday and my HSG on Friday.

I'm not in the mood to post about it today, but the HSG was the WORST PAIN I'VE EVER FELT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. 'Nuff said there. My right (or left I don't remember I was dizzy with pain) tube was probably blocked so the doc had to push more contrast through. Now that they both look clear and my uterus is 100% normal (I asked if it was mis-shapen or tilted or anything), the doc is ready for us to begin treatment.

DH and I agreed, with the doc, that we would try 3 months of Clomid/IUI and if they didn't work, we'd find out if Dh has a varicocele. If he does he'll get it fixed. DH is also on GNC's Fertility Blend vitamin supplements so hopefully they help. He started them 2 weeks ago and they take about 3 months to take effect so it may not be seen till the IUI #3...even then, third time's a charm, right?

We told our parents about all of this on Friday and Saturday. My mom knew everything, but my dad didn't know much. I kept it low-key with my folks. With DH's parents, they had no idea we were having problems. His mom, bless her heart, gave some advice but didn't understand how much we've been through with testing and how much I know about TTC and infertility.

Then they said it took them 2 years to get pregnant with Dh's younger sister, and they went for a workup at the doctor to find out what was going on; antibiotics administered and boom. Pregnant.

I explained it's not like that, and it was hard to tell them that their son has a low sperm count. His dad said he thinks his count might have been low too, but he can't remember. It's easier if Dh can blame this on genetics.

In the meantime I'm apparently helping my brother's fiancee plan their wedding in 2 months. They had an "oops" baby, my first nephew, back in December. She got pregnant 2 weeks after I had my miscarriage. I harbor a bit of resentment for my brother in general so I'm working to get through this...wish me luck.

I Hear The JAWS Theme In The Background

I'm getting minor cramps, started about 11:15 am this morning. I know AF is coming. My bbs have stopped being sore, classic sign. And that's fine. I might have started getting excited and hoped one of DH's funny-shapen, slow moving and rare spermies found my egg and we got lucky. But now I'm in a bit of limbo. At least I can call the doctor's office and schedule the dang HSG now. The thing I'm worried about is that when I was trying to schedule the ultrasound, next Thursday and Friday were booked. How will they get me in for the HSG in time? It has to be done over CD 7-10...that'd be next Tues - Fri. Geesh. Also it would be totally awesome if they had me start Clomid too so we could do an IUI this month. That would be sweet! But I'm sure they'll say no...

However, if AF doesn't come by tonight I'm taking a test tomorrow morning. I'm a bit of a masochist I think. But if I got pregnant this next cycle the baby would basically be due 10/28/09 which is kind of close to Halloween. That is okay, I'll take a baby any day. Halloween would be tough on the kid, I'd think. Christmas would be way harder though...

I told DH about the varicocele surgery. He didn't seem to excited and said I'd owe him. For what? I'm being poked, prodded, scanned, etc. I've worried, stressed, cried (countless times) planned on being a mother for almost a year and a half now. He's sat back and said to relax. Hmmm. Not to be horrible but it's technically an issue directly related to HIM! How do I owe him?!?!?! Sorry. He can be so insensitive sometimes and says things that really irritate me. I feel badly for him and I know it's a huge hit to his ego and manhood. But how do I "repay" someone for having their problem fixed? And I thought finances were the biggest problem in marriages.

Anxiously Anticipating AF

So strange! I know, right? For the past 15 months, I've dreaded her return. It meant we failed yet another cycle. But this time, her arrival means we can start more testing and move on towards better chances of success! However, since I think I o'ed on 1/9/09 and we timed bd-ing around there, it's our last chance to do it naturally, since the doc figures IUI is our best shot.

Probably a bit TMI but I'm just not feeling her yet. My nips are kind of sore and my attitude has been less than pleasant (or patient) the past few days. So I say she'll be about 2 days late. With the early arrival of AF last month by 2 days but a late ov, who knows when she'll show? The latest I'd guess is 32 day cycle. I technically o'ed three days late based on last cycle, and since my LP is typically 12-14 days, she could come tomorrow, Thursday or Friday. But I'm wearing my trusty pantiliner and have my Super tampax in my pocket (it does look weird but I never seem to be prepared on the spot at work). I keep rushing to the bathroom to check every time I feel something. How many times have I done that since I was about 12? Sometimes though, you know. The last time it was in public, I was in a golf tournament on hole #1 when I sat down and I just knew. I kinda ruined my khaki shorts and walked funny the rest of the tournament. I also only had a mini-type “light” tampon that’s meant for a tween or something. It was horrible.

But I regress…DH is less in the dumps over this dx because I called the doc’s office yesterday to get some clarity as to what his results really mean. He basically has 2 strikes out of 3. His count is low (18.5 mil; 20 mil is normal, my doc wants to see at least 50 mil); and his morphology is bad (7%; my doc wants to see 13%+…whatever that means on the count, I know what morphology is). His motility is 50% though and that’s on the line. Doc wants 50%+ and DH has 50%. We’ll take it.

The nurse I spoke with speculates that DH has a varicocele. I googled that and found it is repairable. Apparently no urologists in our area do that kind of specialized surgery (it involves a 2 inch incision and pulling the testes out of the sack to repair and then putting it back…sounds painful and includes anesthesia).

Thus we’ll have to go to UI to have a male fertility specialist examine him and diagnose him with this condition. If it is a varicocele, then once it’s repaired his count should increase and maybe the morphology will be better too. The nurse did say that they’ll be putting me on Clomid. She also said that if I have PCOS I’ll be put on Metformin and something else. I told her that I don’t have extra hairs growing or random periods. She said that I could still have it if there’s a “pearl necklace” or visible cysts growing on my ovaries. They’ll also clear things out with the HSG. I just hope I’m okay. The tests seemed to show that…
I’ll try to keep posting. I like to run from things that suck. That means that putting them in writing makes them exist.

Cancel The Baby Parade

1. My tests normal but my glucose was 103, should be 99 or below. I was put on a low-carb, low-sugar diet and I have also been ordered to get an ultrasound and HSG before moving forward.

2. Male Factor Infertility is our culprit. DH's count was pretty low and the suckers don't move very well. So this sucks.

Doctor says IUI with Clomid is our action plan. I'm still in shock. I secretely hope that a miracle swimmer caught up with a late ovulation last weekend and I got pregnant. Will find out next week of AF doesn't show. But I'm more looking forward to her arriving so we can get the HSG scheduled and get this fricking show on the road.

DH is devestated, as am I. We just don't know what to say. His dad and half-brothers are baby-making machines. We can only speculate that DH's smoking for many years and beer drinking would be a factor. He quit a year ago with me so we can't for sure say that's the problem. This sucks though. I wish the doc would order another S/A so we can see the difference. Maybe she figures its pointless b/c how this one turned out.

I'm just so upset. We've got volleyball league so I'll go enjoy my plain grilled chicken, salad and diet coke...and maybe go home for a mixer and get trashed. This blows. It could be worse, I'm well aware there are couples out there who have it way worse and we are blessed to have options. But odds haven't really been in our favor on much...ever. So we're not so confident the Clomid/IUI will work. I guess we just need to sleep on this news. For a weekend.

And What Time Was The Collection?

This morning was the appointment for my dear husband's S/A. We had to drop off the "sample" at the hospital in our town as it was much closer than driving into the city where we work, and then he could do his thing at home.

First I was up before six to shovel our driveway and sidewalk as another snowstorm dropped about five inches of white rain (snow, get it?) all over the place. So we then had to time DH's sample especially since it couldn't be dropped off until 7am. Somehow it worked and we went to the lab. The technician asked what time it was collected. DH turned beet red and cracked a nervous smile while I was the grown-up who said "6:57 am and it's written on the cup too." He giggled all the way to the car, which I must admit was cute, in an adult-acting-like-a-teenager sort of way. It was a morning experience that I really don't want to have again. We were both late to work too because of the late lab opening and the horrible road conditions. Oh well, we figured this would happen. Since we have to stay later, it'll be another Subway night because I am sooo not cooking (we need groceries) and DH needs to study for a really important licensing exam tomorrow.

We should have those results by tomorrow and my blood test results should be in today and absolutely no later than tomorrow, so we should know by the end of the week what the final plan is. Clomid is my best guess. I just pray DH's swimmers are strong. Then the problem is not his, you know? I'd feel so bad for him if he was a factor.

Oblivious To The Snow

We're in Iowa. Yesterday was a blizzard. I was not really paying attention because all I could do is think about how thrilled I am that we're getting help and I will most likely be starting Clomid in the next week or so! How exciting is that!?!?!

DH is scheduled to provide his "sample" for his s/a tomorrow. He's already whining because we had to abstain from sex or any other fun for three whole days leading up to the analysis. I kind of feel bad for him because he's used to every other day since we're TTC-ing and he's a bit stressed with work, his MBA and a licensing exam this Thursday, so all I could do was give him a hug. He'll get over it.

A couple of things I forgot to mention in yesterday's novel of a post:

1. I took an OPK around 2pm last Thursday before the appointment. It turned a darker shade and was a typical day-before-a-positve-opk result. Which means I could have ovulated over the weekend. We "did it" Friday and Saturday, just in case. I hate to waste a month, honestly. :) But my blood test results will truly show if I did "O" or not.

2. The doc gave me a bright orange folder all about infertility with several awesome things inside: the prices for all treatment (90/10 and some 50% coverage so we're looking good financially; its affordable!), three magazines called "Conceive" (are you kidding me? A magazine for TTC-ers? Yeah, and it's amazing. If I'd known about it I would have gotten a subscription. There's another one called "Conceived" once you get pregnant. I'm getting that!!!), and all the info I need on Clomid, etc. What a great doctor!

So I'm just trying to get through this week and I should get AF next Tuesday if not by next Friday, if I actually have a 14 day LP, which I doubt after last month's debacle, but who knows, right? I just don't want a 4 1/2 week cycle. I don't have time for that!

I honestly just want to get pregnant on the first cycle so I can announce it to family and friends at Easter, which would be right around the 12 week mark. It's cuter to announce around a holiday, but I'll take anything at this point. Also we see DH's brothers and their kids and my bff (his brother's gf, long story) at Easter and I want to tell them in person.

The adventure is about to really begin now.

Update

Quickly, so you don't have to read on just yet: the appointment was perfect, everything I'd hoped for and they WILL do something.

Okay. If you're not satisfied with the Cliff's Notes version, here goes:

I got there 20 minutes early, checked in. The nervous chatter didn't impress the receptionist. I must remember to not act like a dork at the doctor's office. Or anywhere else. I guess it freaks people out.

Focus...okay so I waited for 20 minutes past my appointment time, which was really pissing me off by that point, but finally they called my name. A nurse (seriously, shorter than the doctor) led me to an exam room and started asking the basics. I pulled out my blood tests for work from 2007 and 2008, then gave her my thorough listing of medical information that is highly pertininent for infertility investigation. She asked what line of work I'm in. I told her insurance. She suggested I switch careers b/c I'd be really good there. I explained that when I get interested in something, I learn everything about it short of getting a degree.

Then the doctor came in and we got to work. She asked me the questions in very simple terms. Such as, "How long after you have a positive ovulation test do you get you period?" I said, "My luteal phase? As you can see in my chart, the average is 15.5 days." She was impressed and it sped things up nicely.

Her speculation? That I am in fact not ovulating and if I am it's all over the place. She suggested Clomid. What? Yeah. Freakin' Clomid. You should have seen my big smile. I told her that I don't think I'm PCOS based on the lack of symptoms, but she said that she wanted to do some tests. So this morning, CD 21, I had SIX VIALS OF BLOOD DRAWN at 7 o'clock in the morning.

First of all, not a big needle fan. Yes, I'm well aware that I need to get used to it but six vials on day one? Not too excited about that. I made it through though. I didn't cry and I didn't faint. That's good for me. The nurse had a crummy bedside manner though. That's for sure.

The doc also wants a semen analysis from DH. I can't even begin to explain the confusion over that one. No, we both understand what it is and how it should be done. But with our 30 minute commute to the medical center and the fact that he has to come up with a sample before 7:00 am on a weekday with zero lubrication, even saliva, he'll have a tough go of it. Oh, and no sex for 3 days prior.

I should have slept wonderfully last night since he wasn't bothering me to BD when I wasn't in the mood, but my brain was not planning on shutting off anytime soon so I maybe got 3 hours of sleep last night. That sucked.

Anyways....the doctor was great. Totally positive and even said, "We can do this, we'll get you pregnant." She's testing me for an insulin deficiency in case they have to put me on Metformin and she's also testing progesterone, prolactin, FSH levels, and some other stuff. Those are the ones I remember her mentioning.

I also asked if they do beta testing and was told that if I get a positive pregnancy test, then yes they will. So yay!!! We're on our way! I should get my results tomorrow or Wednesday, and DH's s/a results should be in no later than Friday.

Thus, we will have a complete plan by the end of this week. The doc figured that we'd start the Clomid next cycle and go for 3 cycles. I just need to get my period. For the first time in 15 months, I've looked forward to getting AF. That witch will actually be my friend. One time, only one time. :)

So the doc also said that 80% of couples on Clomid like us will have success in the first 3 months. Hell yeah!!! I got pregnant once, for 4w5d. If that can happen, imagine if we jumpstart my egg-makers!?! I just hope the tests reveal that Clomid is the answer.

Don't get me started on the multiples conversation DH and I had. He was saying he doesn't want twins, necessarily because they're expensive and time-consuming and he won't have a chance to be one-on-one with his first child. I guess that's important to him. He just came off as really arrogant and thankless for any child/children we get. He later explained that if we had more than one (please not three...too many!), he would obviously be thrilled and love them. Anyone facing down first time fatherhood with impending multiples will obviously panic. I would too, don't get me wrong. So 1% chance of triplets or more and 4-10% chance of twins. The doc said in 22 years, Clomid has produced triplets only twice for her patients. Those are pretty good odds, so...away we go!!!

I'll post the blood test results once they're in. Now I can go back to getting excited about being a mom, because I really feel like it'll happen now.

What Is This?

So I went to the bathroom at lunch because, well it had been six hours and a girl's gotta pee, okay? Well lo and behold, hello CM...where have you been? You're a few days late to boot.

It's not EWCM, but it is promising. I'll take the opk in about an hour and a half, just enough time for a solid reading before the appointment. Only two hours and thirty five minutes. Clock. Must. Move. Faster.

Remember that last day of school before summer vacation? Remember 1:10 pm and you were watching the clock? Yep. Just like that. Butterflies and smiles.

D-Day and Still Not O-Day

Only seven hours and 25 minutes until my appointment. I am freakin excited! Can excitement prevent ovulation? I even brought my last test with me to take it before the appointment today. Huge negative one last night. This is unreal. The latest I've gotten a positive result was CD17. Today is CD17. If I don't ovulate, we'll have wasted a whole month. Not like it matters, see without any CM (yeah, none yet and it would be normally drying up by now) or anything, my libido is shot. I basically asked DH to "make a donation" last night b/c I wasn't in the mood but we needed to BD. He got pretty offended and asked why I didn't want to just "hop on" and get it done. I just said forget it and we went to sleep. It's not fair to either of us to force it, right? And if I'm not even close to ovulating, and we'd done it the night before, it should be fine to skip a night.

7 hrs 23 min. Tick tock, right? I googled questions as to why I'd stop ovulating this month...I'm well aware that it is normal for women to have an anovulatory cycle once in a while. But if I didn't have that over the past year, then that's a b.s. theory. Also stress was mentioned. Well I was stressed during AF, but not after. I've been super excited, and that shouldn't transfer to stress, right? If so, that's also b.s.

Not sure what to think but I am speculating that after doing all the tests, the doc might just put me on Clomid. Neat! DH and I watched a show about a couple having sextuplets (Not Jon and Kate + 8, seen it, done with it). He was like, "No way, I could never handle that!". I said there is a slim chance but still a chance that if I go on meds that it could happen. He simply gave me a look. We've had discussions about what would happen with a multiple birth, how we would feel, etc. He prefers one child at a time he says. I have fraternal twin step-sisters and I can see how having twins would have complications, etc. But I want to be a mother, and he wants to be a father, and I'm sure that everything would work out for the best.

So I'm going to try to get through work which has been dang hard all week b/c I've been so pumped for TODAY!!!! Better than Christmas!!!! Whoo hoo!!!

I'll keep you posted. Pun totally intended. ;)

One Day Left

Seriously, on Doctor's Appointment Eve, I'm pretty pumped. Hope. That's what tomorrow is, all wrapped up with a bow. Hope.



Why do I need hope right now? Because it's CD 16 and last night's opk was negative. How late will I ovulate? How much later will af arrive? Ever since Thanksgiving my cycle is becoming less and less reliable. I went from a 28 day machine to kinda iffy with extra days or less days thrown in here and there. I guarantee that stress had something to do with it. We hosted two big dinners at our house over the holidays and had tons of stuff going on. So...that must be it.



I reviewed my post from yesterday and I see that I didn't really wrap up my thoughts completely about how irrational I am about everyone having babies. Overall in my screwed up head, everyone needs to stop getting pregnant until I do. That way I don't feel like a failure. Basically that's it. It's not really about attention or limelight. It's really more about my self-esteem and frustration with our severe lack of success in the TTC world over the last 15 months. That's all. Every day when I see more celebrities getting knocked up, I get pissed. Is that healthy? I think not.



For more on the TTC front with probably a little TMI, dh and I have switched up our bd-ing process. Instead of our every other day till a positive opk which then meant every day for three-four day schedule, we are now doing it two days, then resting one, then two days, then resting one. It's more for peace of mind as well as I need a break once in a while, physically and emotionally. Also, bd-ing didn't seem like as much of a chore from August through December. I tried really hard not to be so schedule-minded about it and get in the mood. But this month? Not so much. Maybe it's the excitement of tomorrow's appointment or the feeling of utter failure and lack of hope that this month will work that is doing it.



Last cycle, I was sure I was pregnant. Really. I fell for the early PMS as pregnancy symptoms. I didn't know that it was early PMS and that af would come two days early, etc. For the first time I told someone that I thought I was pregnant. The FIRST TIME. I didn't even tell DH that I had suspicions, mainly because he would have told me to wait and see. I told the most random of all people too; a rec volleyball teammate I've known a couple of years. I asked her when she stopped playing sports once she was pregnant; she asked if I was, I said I thought I was. Thankfully she's very discreet and though she emailed me about it (she works at the same company I do) the next week to follow up and I said it was a false alarm, she responded perfectly.

So...the rest of this entry was deleted somehow and it was really long and thought provoking. It will stay in my head I guess b/c it took about 15 minutes to type it. Dangit.

I basically talked about how DH is more supportive now but I'd like a friend to talk to about this other than my mother (I really need to stop talking to her about this stuff). Also I said that if the doctor I see tomorrow sucks, there are five other doctors there and I'll just fire her and move on if I'm not happy. I got her because she had the earliest available appointment when I called to make one on December 2nd, so...we'll see.

Tonight I'll go home, take an opk and pray that it turns positive to semi-positive to show there is some LH in my system this month, like there has been for the past 12+ months (that I know of). I'll also try to have good dreams about the appointment tomorrow. I wonder if she'll draw blood right away? I will have to get ready to be a pincushion. Did I mention I hate needles? Ha ha ha ha!!!! I'm nuts right?! Oh well, needles are necessary to give birth so, here we go!

Get With The Program

So in honor of the theme of this blog, I will share my frustration with my OPKs not giving me a positive result in a timely manner. I am now at CD 15 with extremely negative ovulation tests. Nice huh? My average positive OPK cycle day is technically 15. Since I've gotten several positives on CD 16 and/or CD 17, I will be patient. But if I don't see anything in the next two days...I'll have to go buy more since I only have three left. That's really all I can do. What will pouting do, right?

Thus, I'll continue my testing regime and see what happens. I typically get home around 6:15 pm, grab the mail and run upstairs to test, and that's pretty exciting. It would still be okay for a positive tonight, tomorrow or Thursday. But here's the deal: my appointment is this Thursday. At 3:45 pm. Did I not mention that before now? It has been a bigger deal than Christmas or New Years'! I actually cared more about it than the Outback Bowl (Hawkeye fan here, look out)! Yes I have counted down the days since I made the appointment on December 2nd. I had 36 days to get more and more excited and now it's down to 2 days! (I'm mentally jumping up and down now).

Want to know how pathetic I am? See, since there was zero indication of a possible opk and I felt nauseous yesterday, I actually went online and searched if its possible to have AF (a seven day af to boot) and still be pregnant. Yeah, I know the answer. I have read every book and website about TTC. I have opk'd, bbt'd, ate healthy, drank water and tea, used pre-seed, checked my cp and cm, taken hundreds of hpts and timed bd-ing like never before. I have also prayed and smited God at the same time. I am considered normal by all accounts. DH seems to have all of the appropriate "kibbles and bits", if you know what I mean.

All we need are some tests to at least confirm that we are normal, OR, that there is a problem that is fixable. Either way, some medical intervention would be just lovely. It would also save me from losing it.

Another wonderful personality trait that will most likely be shared on this blog is my competitive nature. It's not only bizarre but most likely unhealthy. Here's a good one - DH and I had been trying about four or five months. I'd had my chemical pregnancy by then. My mom told me my brother's girlfriend was pregnant. It was an oops. Yeah. We couldn't even have an oops. I had a bit of a breakdown in front of my mom and DH that day. It was embarrassing to say the least. Why that reaction? Because I was supposed to be first. I'm the oldest (of five). I went to college, graduated. I have a great job. I got married. I have a house. See? The checklist is complete. I did everything I was supposed to as prerequisite to having a child. Let's just say my brother was on the opposite end of that spectrum. I now have a cute little nephew, and its painful to hold him but great at the same time. I'm slowly getting over it.

However, DH's younger and only sister mentioned over Thanksgiving that she and her DH might start TTC-ing as of summer 2009. He wants to start ASAP but she's only 22 (will be 23 in May) and says she's too young. This would be another sibling near the middle of the spectrum, much closer to DH and I than my brother, but still, in my opinion, not as close as she should be. Why do I feel this way? I think it might be because I hold myself to a higher standard than others. I just feel that having your sh*t together helps when actively TTC-ing. So that's how I feel and maybe I need to change, I don't know. But this stuff is just SOME of the crap in my head on a daily basis.

On the diet front, I had a cupcake yesterday. I made a bunch for Christmas (yes, almost 2 weeks ago) and they're getting stale. I should toss them but the sugar-addict in me screamed "NO!!! It's only the first day! You ate well all day, treat yourself!!!" So I did. And it didn't taste that great. And I should just throw them out. Oh well. P.S. I haven't weighed myself b/c 2 months ago I got weighed for a work thing and the number wasn't pretty (af was in town so hopefully that had a lot to do with it) so I figure I'll weigh myself when I'm ready. Right now I'm scared sh*tless b/c when I went on the wedding diet exactly 2 years ago today (we set the date on this date too), I topped out at about 205. I'm 5'10" people. I lost 45 lbs for that wedding and I looked dang hot. But I'm pretty sure I'm up 15-20 lbs since the wedding day and if it's more, then I'll just cry, most likely. So...I'll tell you when I have a Garfield/scale moment. ;)

New Year Clean Slate

Wow, that first post was theraputic. If you're in my shoes and need to get some stuff off your chest, write it down, it sure feels good. Also, I'm sure DH appreciated me not bombarding him with my frustrations with all things TTC. Though I did have a few to many drinks on Saturday night at bowling league and decided to blab all the way home how I'll never get pregnant and we should just go back to Jamaica (went there on our honeymoon), blah blah whine whine. ;)

So. Onto the new year. Resolutions?

1. Lose between 15-20 lbs. Maintain that.
2. Stop eating so much junk food! That means the chips have to go. :)
3. Cut out between 30-50% of pop drinking. I only drink diet, but since it's a majority of my liquid intake each day, that needs to stop.
4. Exercise more. Bowling league and volleyball league will not do it. And do crunches for goodness sake!
5. Keep working on not blowing up at DH when he doesn't think before he speaks/acts/breathes. I have habit of turning all Phoenix from X-Men when he so much as tugs on one of my nerves, especially when I'm PMS-ing/thinking I have pregnancy hormones but I'm always wrong.

I think five resolutions is enough. And the first four are basically the same, in a broad sense.

Oh well. So on the TTC front, only 3 days till my doctor's appt!!!! I can't explain how excited I am. I want to hug the doctor and tell her how much I've been waiting for the day to come where she can tell me what's wrong with us and what we can do to fix it. I'm a dreamer though so don't be surprised that I'd have that fantasy. Like I'd hug a doctor prematurely. Not only would it jinx the hoped-for outcome of the appointment in the first place, but I'd probably get sent to the psych ward. Sorry, getting off track. I took a couple of ovulation test strips (internet cheapies, you know, the green ones) on Saturday (CD 12 and CD 13). Saturday's barely registered as a negative and Sundays was a miniscule step up where I didn't have to squint to see the faint line.

So I'm thinking I'll be ovulating late. Great. So AF arrives two days early last cycle after being four days late the month before, and now it's back to the late crap.

I typically have had a strict 28 day cycle with a 12-14 day luteal phase. Since November, things have been off by 2-4 days. Though I am aware this is "normal" I just don't like it. I like to know when AF is coming so I'm prepared. I don't like to be surprised by the witch and she sure did a doozy on me last month. Even though the ovulation tests are negative, DH is insistent that we keep up our "efforts" a lot. I definitely need a night off though and negative tests make me feel okay about doing that. ;)