ONE FOLLICLE. Just one. And 3 little ones

I haven't cried in a long time. I don't remember when - maybe it was when I was in the ER the day after Thanksgiving experiencing my ectopic pregnancy. I think that was the last time. I still haven't cried. I am doing everything I can to hold it together.

The doctor wanted to trigger today. I have a 26mm follicle on the left ovary and another small one, 10mm I think, on that one too. Then I have a 9mm and an 8mm on the right.

I told the doc that I would rather do it on our own if he was going to trigger me this early, on CD12. It's ridiculous! I'm a late ovulator! Why would he do it so soon!? He said that once a follicle gets over 20mm, the smaller ones become suppressed and the dominant one "wins". Well, I said we'd do it on our own tonight and then I'd like to keep doing the repronex for a couple more days and then another u/s on Wednesday. If it pops, then at least we got some swimmers in there and we'll BD more on Wednesday and Thursday. If not, and the big one is bigger with the smaller ones around 14mm, then he said we'd wait a couple more days and trigger Friday.

The doc doubts the smaller ones will catch up but I'd rather try this than always wonder. Most likely, no IUI this month. Fine with me.

Oh, and DH really is pissing me off. We had hotel sex on Saturday but not Friday so he whined all weekend. Then all day yesterday he kept bugging me for sex on Sunday night and demanding to have some tonight. I just want to smack him! So I texted him a bunch from the drs office to let him know what's going on and he's saying he wants to do it twice tonight.

He gets so juvenile and doesn't get that I'm near my breaking point with frustration and disappointment and he's bugging me about sex so that HE's happy. What an insensitive jerk. Typically, when the issue doesn't involve sex, he's wonderful. But with IF comes scheduled sex and he's clearly having issues with that. Even after TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

I have to pick up my meds after work b/c STUPID NURSE OLD LADY was an idiot and wouldn't give me the damn shot like the doctor told her to and she told me to go pick up my meds at the pharmacy. Well I had to go to work so now I'll get them at 5:30 when the place is closing down and then drive home to give myself a shot, nearly 10 hours later than if I'd just taken a shot this morning.

I hate all of this. I can't wait for IVF to work with people who can get me pregnant. The doc thinks I will be fine on stims but he didn't give me too much this cycle b/c he was afraid he'd over-stim me. Clearly, we have a problem and I obviously need more meds.

I am just so upset that I have nobody here to call and talk to or a friend to come over and hug me and let me just cry. I have a horny husband and my blog and even though you wonderful ladies follow me and leave such wonderful supporting comments, I still feel so damn alone. And everyone who was my friend is either pregnant or doesn't want to hear about our "problem". Especially my ex-bff who was my maid of honor and is now dating my brother-in-law. She basically ignored me all weekend and I needed her to talk with me like she did last year and if our "problem" came up in conversation she got really uncomfortable.

I. cant. wait. for. IVF.

I'm going home in a couple of hours and giving myself that shot and then i'll either break down and cry or go run. and I never run. only when I'm really upset.